Rachel Callahan

Mysteries of the Deep.

June 23, 2011June 29, 2011 Rachel Callahan I'm a Glutton for Adventure, Newbornities, NoahBlogs, Utter Silliness, Yes I'm a beach bum. What of it?

Hi! Noah here.

So last weekend, The Servant Who Calls Herself Mommy and that guy she hangs around all the time took me to this weird new place.

And let me just say – it didn’t taste so hot.

It was kind of like the big bathtub I told you about last time, but even ginormouser.

Oh – and the bathtub kept attacking my toys and snatching them from me.

Luckily, The Sister Who Calls Herself Ali was there to give them back to me – for some reason, she seemed a little more in control of her toy situation.

But the Gigantic Moving Bathtub wasn’t the only weird thing going around down there.

They also had Furry Things. LOTS of Furry Things. And they weren’t like our Furry Thing that basically ignores me… these Furry Things wanted to play.

I’m pretty sure we were playing a game called “Chicken” – you know – who could make the other one leave, or at least cry, first?

The Furry Thing started the game…

So I played along. I tried grabbing it…

Explored it’s Long Bendy Thing,

Attempted a removal of the Long Bendy Thing,

And, finally, decided the only way to win would be a full-on body-slam of the Furry Thing.

And it worked. Noah: 1, Furry Thing: 0.

Oh Yeah. I’ve got skillz.

One other bizarre thing happened that I wanted to tell you about.

The Servant Who Calls Herself Mommy, as always, made me sit and let her take my picture.

I swear she must think I’m the most beautiful creature on the planet.

And really, I don’t blame her.

Yeah. I know I’ve got It, whatever It is.

Anyway, I was having fun watching the birds…

And pretending to be a fish…

When something strange showed up in the background…

Uh, yeah. Can anyone say we’re not in Kansas anymore??

I got pretty worried, because I was afraid that the flying monkeys would show up any minute.

I don’t like flying monkeys.

So I can’t tell you how relieved I was when we saw the pole –

A birdhouse! Of course. There aren’t REALLY flying monkeys – silly me.

At least – I don’t think there are.

Are there?

I’ll be hiding behind a Furry Thing if you need me.

The Fruit of the Sea.

June 21, 2011July 5, 2019 Rachel Callahan Chris, Guest Post, Storytime, Uncle Leo

A guest post, as written by my husband Chris.

All that I ever learned about shrimping, I learned by watching Forrest Gump.

That all changed on Saturday.

My uncle Leo invited me to go along with him and his neighbor Doug on a beautiful mild Saturday morning. Since I have a 6 month old son, getting up at 6:30 is very easy, even on weekends. We headed over to Doug’s pier about 7:15 and mounted our expedition.

Captain Doug, in my opinion, “know ever’thang they is to know about the shrimpin bidness.”

He has a sturdy boat he built himself,

a shrimping net,

a cooler, a shrimping license, and a lifetime of experience.

That experience was useful in navigating the complex web of categorical, territorial, calendar, quantity, and time limits on shrimping. The laws are numerous, and sometimes people don’t follow them, but we would never do that, because it is a state wildlife criminal act. So don’t do it, kids.

My helpfuness, on the other hand, was more akin to Lieutenant Dan.

So Uncle Leo, Captain Doug, and I set out from the dock and after a Gilligan worthy 5 minute ride, cast our net behind the boat, and started dragging. After a few peaceful minutes of manly fisherman storytelling, our forward progress abruptly stopped with our net firmly snagged on the bottom.

We were stuck.

As we discussed our problem solving options and tried them without success, a gigantic barge slowly wandered in, what looked like to me, our exact direction.

I posed a hypothetical question to Captain Doug.

“What happens if the tugboat snags our net/lines?”

His thoughtful response: “Then we are going for a ride, and you will need to grab that knife and cut the ropes quick!”

We survived without that contingency, as the barge slid by us.

We eventually untangled our net and tried again. While dragging the second time, we took in the wildlife:

A bald eagle soared overhead.

The porpoises, brilliant mammals that they are, knew that breakfast was being churned up, and followed the boat, closer and closer.

As we hauled in our catch, they came in close enough to feed by hand, but we would never do that, because it is a federal wildlife criminal act. So don’t do it, kids.

Anyway. The catch came in,

and I stuck Leo and Captain Doug with the sorting, washing, and, um, processing of the shrimp while I left to take the kids to the beach. We’re took our share home to have fresh shrimp cocktail this week for dinner. Or maybe we’ll barbecue it, broil it, bake it, sauté it, or make shrimp kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo…

We may not have had a Jenny-size boat like others had that morning,

but Captain Doug & Leo go together like peas & carrots.

In the end, with a myriad of options including pan fried, deep fried, stir fried, pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp & potatoes, etc., we just went with the peel & eat.

That’s all I have to say about that.

On Grasping Reality…or Not.

June 20, 2011June 29, 2011 Rachel Callahan I'm a Meme You're a Meme, Kids: The Experience., Let's Play

A couple of weeks ago, Ali asked me.. “Mommy – are fireflies real?”

“Of course they are, sweetie!”

..but then I got to thinking about it, and it totally made sense. We hadn’t been outside late enough this year to see any, and if I were her, which one seems more realistic – a bug with a light-up butt, or a horse with a horn sticking out of the middle of it’s forehead?

If I were her, I’d totally think Unicorns were real and Fireflies weren’t.

So I decided to do an experiment with her: we played “Real or Pretend?”.

And I was surprised by some of her suppositions. Out of 25 items, she got 7 wrong.

(Yeah. My kid got a C- in reality.)

Here’s the list of things I came up with to ask her in our game:

Princesses
Hippopotamus’
Robots
Fireflies
Dinosaurs
Dragons
Dragonflies
Magic
God
Hearts
Unicorns
Presidents
Monsters
Police Men
Alligators
Kings and Queens
Castles
China
Rapunzel
George Washington
Moses
Goldilocks and the Three Bears
Buffaloes
California

(This is a great car game, by the way.)

Ali’s incorrect answers were Princesses, Hippopotamus’, Robots, Dragonflies, Hearts, Presidents, and Moses – oddly enough, all of which were things that are real that she thought were pretend.

(Feel free to psychoanalyze the significance of those findings.)

So. I’m curious about the general grasp of reality, which means that you have an assignment. Play this game with your kids, and please add more items if you can think of some good ones. Report back your kid’s age, score, and any new items to add to the list.

Hopefully your kids aren’t failing out of reality like mine is.

But then again, reality’s not always all it’s cracked up to be.

A Look Back: 6 Months Later.

June 19, 2011February 17, 2013 Rachel Callahan Every Now and Then I Can Be Sappy Too., I'm a Blog Geek, Newbornities, Pregnancy: The Psychoses., Storytime

Noah is six months old today.

Half a year.. goes by so much more quickly the second time around.

Despite my fears of having another baby, Noah has been a complete delight and pleasure. He’s the happiest, most joyful, smiliest baby I’ve ever encountered. His charm and constant laughter keep me falling in love with him on a daily basis.

It’s crazy now to think back about his traumatic entrance into the world – it feels so far away. It was most definitely the most painful day of my life – quite unintentionally, might I add.

Yet – so, so, so, SO worth it.

One of the brighter points of the most painful parts of labor (pre-Noah-getting-there-and-making-it-all-worth-it) were you all being there with us. Through Twitter, Facebook, and emails, you encouraged, congratulated, and empathized with us. I had a blast having a Social Media Baby.

Also, I cannot express how perfectly amazing Chris was that day. He took awesome care of me, kept Ali in the birthing loop, greeted and took care of his new son while I was still anaesthetized, AND helped me with my wish to share our birthing experience with all of you.

So, for celebration of Noah’s half birthday AND Father’s day (two for the blog of one!), I decided that it would be fun to take a step back in time and publish the twitter logs of Noah’s birth.

(I totally get it if this post isn’t nearly as fascinating to everyone else as it is to me..and hopefully Chris..and maybe Noah one day, but hopefully you can find it in your heart to forgive me for this narcissistic…or babycisstic…post.)

My tweets (ObjectivityRach) and Chris’ tweets (RehpoChris) are in bold, and all of the other tweets were all of you talking back to us…

(And by the way, I usually answer every tweet I get, but for obvious reasons I couldn’t that day. I do think I answered most of them in the next few days, though…)

December 19, 2010:

ObjectivityRach: Looks like Noah has his own plan after all…1 day before his deadline! Sign of a future procrastinator? On way to hospital! #EvictivityNoah

cosmicgirlie: @ObjectivityRach Omg!! Are you over? Or are you due? Are you in labour?? OMG!!! GOOD LUCK!!! :D :D :D xxxxxx

scampikins: @ObjectivityRach YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t wait to see pictures! (Of Noah…)

ObjectivityRach: @cosmicgirlie in labor and you’re the only one awake to experience it! 345am in this Bham.

cosmicgirlie: @ObjectivityRach Oh wow!!! I am SO EXCITED for you, hoping everything goes fantastic. Can’t wait to see him!!!

cosmicgirlie: Wishing the best of luck to @ObjectivityRach who is in labour in Birmingham…in the United States!! :D :D :D xxxx

RehpoChris: At hospital! I got to speed at 3:45am w/ hazards on, run red lights, & swerve to avoid an accident! #herewego ? #EvictivityNoah

ObjectivityRach: Progress is definitely being made.. Slowly and quite painfully. But he’s definitely on his way! #EvictivityNoah

ObjectivityRach: Just got my I.V. Bring on the lovely facial swelling. #EvictivityNoah

KetzerMusic: @RehpoChris ObjectivityRach By far the coolest use of Twitter yet, bring on the baby #EvictivityNoah

PeggyAnn_Design: @ObjectivityRach congrats!!! Sending easy labor vibes your way!

WadeOnTweets: @ObjectivityRach Pulling for you!

ObjectivityRach: @PeggyAnn_Design @scampikins @WadeOnTweets thanks!!

momunabridged: @ObjectivityRach yay! Glad he finally decided to make an appearance.

mommyinstincts: @ObjectivityRach yay Baby Noah is on his way! Good luck sweet friend!

ObjectivityRach: Just got Demerol. Way too much. My tweet is spinning. #EvictivityNoah

ObjectivityRach: Progress is happening quicker, but so is the pain. Looking forward very much to my epidural. #EvictivityNoah

RehpoChris: Epidural happening now! #happymommy #EvictivityNoah

ObjectivityRach: OhMyGoodness I’m so glad God has started forgiving us women from the curse and allows epidurals!! #SoHappy #EvictivityNoah

llatkins: @ObjectivityRach I totally agree! Bring on the drugs!

RehpoChris: In the quiet, calm, sleepy world that is post-epidural labor. #EvictivityNoah

amykiane: @ObjectivityRach yay!! Glad he’s on his way.

JacksMomMarie: @ObjectivityRach so excited for you!

CraftyChele: @ObjectivityRach Hope you’re comfy now. Can’t wait to see your new baby!

JacksMomMarie: @ObjectivityRach epidural=good thing! Did not have twitter 5 yrs ago but I emailed & every1 thought I was crazy! U make me look sane :)

ObjectivityRach: @JacksMomMarie glad to help your sanity quotient :)

OttawaMaryJ: @ObjectivityRach WooHoo! Glad to hear he’s on his way! #EvictivityNoah

MediaGuyCarl: @ObjectivityRach I think this is the first live tweeted childbirth I’ve witnessed. Can we count on baby photos?

ObjectivityRach: @MediaGuyCarl of course!

ObjectivityRach: Wow… I just realized how much pain I was in.. I told the nurse I weighed 7 pounds MORE than I really do when I checked in. #EvictivityNoah

LaureeAshcom: @ObjectivityRach just opened twitter…. blessing on you… prayers are winging…

TimWillingham: @objectivityrach @RehpoChris Come Noah come!

southcheesehead: Praying for @ObjectivityRach and @RehpoChris as they are at the hospital having baby #2!! Excited for you guys! #EvictivityNoah

sweethomealagrl: @ObjectivityRach yay!

ObjectivityRach: Halfway there!! #EvictivityNoah

AlabamaMoms: Wishing my friend, Rachel @ObjectivityRach , a safe and fast delivery. Time to disembark-Noah! #EvictivityNoah

Noscriptomylife: Go @ObjectivityRach!!!!! #EvictivityNoah

WinLiannefield: @ObjectivityRach Happy Baby Day! And *all* it took was reading all your emails and Google Reader? Maybe you should’ve done that sooner? ;)

gina7477: @ObjectivityRach Yay! Clearly, Noah just wanted you to sweat it out a while. Praying for a speedy labor!

tlatkins: @ObjectivityRach I have to admit, I’ve never heard play by play labor before…and from the one in labor. Praying things go well.

OttawaMaryJ: @ObjectivityRach You’ll blink and he’ll be there! #evictivitynoah

OttawaMaryJ: Here in Canada the nurses would probably confiscate @ObjectivityRach’s phone (but having Twitter during labour sounds fun) #EvictivityNoah

LaRee1979: Me too! Hooray! // “@southcheesehead: Praying for @ObjectivityRach and @RehpoChris as they are at the hospital

jonathansmom: @ObjectivityRach This is so exciting!! Hope you’re feeling better now that you have the epidural! : )

jonathansmom: Is so jealous that @ObjectivityRach is having her baby today!!! Hoping for a great delivery for her!

cturnip: @ObjectivityRach good luck! #EvictivityNoah

tiamimi: @ObjectivityRach excited for you, Chris and Ali.

RehpoChris: Redo on the epidural. C’mon back, mommy’s happy place. #EvictivityNoah

ObjectivityRach: THAT was not the most fun hour of my life. Epidural fell out. Got a new one. Then got nauseous. Getting better. Phew. #EvictivityNoah

ObjectivityRach: I would reply to you all but the phone is spinning again. But thanks so much for all the encourageyness & excitementeyness! #EvictivityNoah

greekgrits: @ObjectivityRach How in the Sam Hill did the epidural just fall out. I have never seen that. Wow!

lzannis: @ObjectivityRach @RehpoChris Yay yay yay!

RehpoChris: OK, mommy’s happy place is back. It brought new friend Queasy with it, but manageable. #EvictivityNoah

RehpoChris: Makin’ progress. 6 down, 4 to go! #EvictivityNoah http://twitpic.com/3hi0vp

llatkins: @ObjectivityRach Ha! Got a little nervous when I saw you posted a pic. lol. We’re praying in the nursery area!!

LaRee1979: @RehpoChris yay go rach! I was a little scared about what a twitpic was gonna show at this point… ;)

tlatkins: @RehpoChris Praying…

TimWillingham: RT @tlatkins: @RehpoChris Praying…

WinLianneField: @RehpoChris God bless y’all!

lzannis: @llatkins @LaRee1979 @ObjectivityRach I love how we’re all tweeting in the middle of church… :)

LaRee1979: @lzannis @llatkins @objectivityrach yes well we have to keep up w #EvictivityNoah ! :)

BethBryan: @ObjectivityRach A huge CONGRATS on the #EvictivityNoah news! Praying for yall today!

robinandmarty: @ObjectivityRach good luck Rach!!!!

MediaGuyCarl: @ObjectivityRach Given all the attention, should we rename the baby Truman? #EvictivityNoah

kimt205: @ObjectivityRach yay! Congrats!

Leslie_Wiggins: @greekgrits @ObjectivityRach My epidural came out during my 3rd labor. No one had ever heard of it happening then, either. It happens.

Leslie_Wiggins: @greekgrits @ObjectivityRach But we didn’t notice it til labor was over; anesthetic all over my back. RN: Oh, that’s why U felt everything!

CourtFuller: @ObjectivityRach thinking about you! Can’t wait to see pics!

sketsananer: @ObjectivityRach I hope u and baby r safe!

grass_stains: @ObjectivityRach Go, Rach, go! Praying that the delivery itself goes smoothly and recovery even more smoothly. Get here, Noah!

ObjectivityRach: Progress is speeding up!! Happy happy!! #EvictivityNoah

ObjectivityRach: I’m apparently the 1 in a million. 2nd epidural failed at 8 cm. I think I almost died fr pain. Please pray for 3rd to work. #EvictivityNoah

RehpoChris: Good: Still Progressing. Bad: Getting 3rd Epidural. She was feeling everything just b/f anesth arrived. #EvictivityNoah

cosmicgirlie: @ObjectivityRach Oh honey you’re STILL going?? :( :( Really hope 3rd time’s the charm xxxx #EvictivityNoah

countryfried: @ObjectivityRach Ach! I’m so sorry. You are strong, mama. You can do it! Wishing Noah a speedy eviction. ;-)

CraftyChele: @ObjectivityRach Are you guys dancing?! Third time’s the charm. #EvictivityNoah

sweethomealagrl: @ObjectivityRach get @greekgrits in there right away! Hope the 3rd time is perfection & Noah comes shortly after!

beckyjomama: @ObjectivityRach Praying sweetie – You need a good anesthetist … where is @greekgrits when we need her?!

LaureeAshcom: @ObjectivityRach i am praying… but you will be fine…. make yourself relax…. breathe…

greekgrits: @ObjectivityRach Oh.My.Word.

MediaGuyCarl: @ObjectivityRach C’mon Noah … the suspense is killing us, and I think your mom’s ready! #EvictivityNoah

Shelly_Overlook: @ObjectivityRach Oh honey. I hope you found RX relief soon! Bring on the baby!!!

WeMentorSMM: @ObjectivityRach I’ve really got fingers crossed that the 3rd epidural worked…

RehpoChris: No Spinal. She’s going to be put under. C-section coming immediately. #EvictivityNoah

WinLiannefield: For those who follow @ObjectivityRach but not her hubby @RehpoChris , he just tweeted that she’s being put under for c section. Poor Rach!

RehpoChris: Baby is born. Doing fine. Rachel is successfully asleep. Expecting Noah back in room any minute. #EvictivityNoah

southcheesehead: @RehpoChris still praying. Glad he’s here safely. Sorry @ObjectivityRach had such a rough time. #EvictivityNoah

WinLianneField: @RehpoChris Congrats!!!

LaRee1979: @RehpoChris glad to hear it! Congrats! Bummer that the VBAC didn’t work out but it’s a good thing that everyone is ok! Can’t wait to meet baby Noah! cc @ObjectivityRach

RehpoChris: Unto as a child is born. Unto us a son is given. 21 1/2″. 7lb 9oz. #EvictivityNoah http://twitpic.com/3hkef3

RehpoChris: Rachel is back and groggy and in good shape. #EvictivityNoah

SouthernRhoda: @ObjectivityRach Thinking about you, Rachel!!

gina7477: @RehpoChris @ObjectivityRach He’s beautiful! Congratulations!

JacksMomMarie: @RehpoChris congratulations!

JacksMomMarie: @RehpoChris and so glad Rachel is resting. Please send her our congrats. Have fun with the BOY!

tlatkins: @RehpoChris Congratulations. When he gets older, make sure to take him here: http://bit.ly/i0Rk5t.

southcheesehead: @RehpoChris beautiful!!!!! Praise God for this miracle!!! #EvictivityNoah

sweethomealagrl: @RehpoChris awww, tell sweet Rachel I’m praying for a swift recovery! Glad they are both ok! @ObjectivityRachel!

LaRee1979: @RehpoChris beautiful! Congrats!! cc @ObjectivityRach

WinLianneField: @RehpoChris Yaaaaaaay! He’s so handsome!

KetzerMusic: RT Congrats @RehpoChris: Unto as a child is born. Unto us a son is given. 21 1/2″. 7lb 9oz. #EvictivityNoah http://twitpic.com/3hkef3

TimWillingham: @RehpoChris Congratulation! Noah only missed @jordanfrenzy’s birthday by 2 days!

brandiofbham: @RehpoChris @ObjectivityRach Congrats y’all! He’s beautiful!

WeMentorSMM: @RehpoChris @ObjectivityRach many congrats!

gretacarter: @RehpoChris, @ObjectivityRach Congrats to y’all and welcome Noah! Sounds like a pretty exciting day. Glad you’re all done and doing well.

BamaELF: Congrats to @ObjectivityRach and @RehpoChris on the latest addition to their family!! #EvictivityNoah

amykiane: @ObjectivityRach yay!!! Can’t wait to see pics. Glad you are doing well.

ObjectivityRach: Noah is SUCH a precious baby. And he’s quite fond of me. Makes the nightmare of the day all worth it!! #EvictivityNoah

ObjectivityRach: Here he is! Sweet Noah James. #EvictivityNoah http://yfrog.com/h7wxefj

MediaGuyCarl: @ObjectivityRach Attagirl, Rachel! Congratulations!!

SarahBroadus: @ObjectivityRach yah for baby birthday!!!

PotentialBham: So happy for @ObjectivityRach ! Baby Noah has disembarked and looks beautiful. WIshing you the best. Nanci

Hillary_Liebman: @ObjectivityRach Happy Birthday Noah! Congrats you ya’ll!

vitafamiliae: @ObjectivityRach Just caught up on your tweets. I missed it! But so excited and happy for you! enjoy all those baby cuddles!!!

MaryRSnyder: @ObjectivityRach welcome to the world baby Noah ! I know Mom is glad you’re here. Rach, glad he’s so precious! Iknew he would be!!

robinandmarty: @ObjectivityRach Awwwwwwe, congratulations Rach!! I bet he is precious! Sorry you had such a rough day!

sweethomealagrl: @ObjectivityRach so glad y’all are both ok – he is a precious little fella! Rest well & heal quickly!

xoxo_trina: @ObjectivityRach Oh my goodness, he’s gorgeous! :) #EvictivityNoah

Noscriptomylife: @ObjectivityRach how cute!!!

amykiane: @ObjectivityRach precious!!!

kimt205: @ObjectivityRach Congratulations yall ! And yay for big sister too! : )

onetruegemini: @ObjectivityRach Precious! So happy for your family!

flourishes: @objectivityrach Yay! Welcome to the world, Noah James!

robinandmarty: @ObjectivityRach He is a DOLL! CONGRATULATIONS!

grass_stains: @ObjectivityRach Here he is! Sweet Noah James. // Congratulations, Rachel! Just precious. I know you’re so happy! Can’t wait to meet him.

McKt: @ObjectivityRach He does look pretty precious! Congrats.

greekgrits: @ObjectivityRach GIRL, I am so sorry you had a horrific epidural experience!! You at StV? Can’t wait to see pics of sweet Noah.

wilsonsway: @ObjectivityRach: Congratulations Rachel & family! Noah looks great!

3girlsmom: @ObjectivityRach BLESS!!! Congrats mama!!! So happy for you!

beckyjomama: @ObjectivityRach Oh, he is HANDSOME! Congratulations mama!

BethBryan: @ObjectivityRach Here he is! Sweet Noah James. #EvictivityNoah He is BEAUTIFUL!! So so precious. Congratulations!

KetzerMusic: @ObjectivityRach Congrats!

scampikins: @ObjectivityRach YAY! Congrats! How precious is he!?!?!?

sweethomealagrl: @ObjectivityRach love :) and I still love his name!

KennMegs: @ObjectivityRach Congrats, Rachel!! He’s a doll! Hope you are both doing well and getting some much needed rest!

LaureeAshcom: beautiful!!!! RT @ObjectivityRach: Here he is! Sweet Noah James. #EvictivityNoah http://yfrog.com/h7wxefj

MaryRSnyder: @ObjectivityRach oh so precious…. wonderful days of baby snuggles!

lzannis: @ObjectivityRach He looks SO much like Ali! Precious!

naycauthen: @ObjectivityRach Aw! So glad he’s finally here for you and he decided to come on his own!

made2worshipJen: @ObjectivityRach Congratulations!!! He’s precious! Praise the Lord!

LaRee1979: @ObjectivityRach so glad!! Can’t wait to meet him!

llatkins: @ObjectivityRach Aww. He looks like Eli to me.

sue_anne: @ObjectivityRach Congrats! You’ll definitely have a story to tell for this one. :)

southcheesehead: @ObjectivityRach he’s precious! Congratulations!!! So sorry you had a rough time. #EvictivityNoah

bekahbutler: @ObjectivityRach woohoo! Congrats! He IS precious…and I think he looks a lot like his big sister! :)

michaelstewart: @ObjectivityRach Congrats!

SouthernRhoda: @ObjectivityRach Awww, Rachel, he is so sweet. Congrats!!

kevinandamanda: CONGRATS Rachel! He’s so handsome! :) RT @objectivityrach Sweet Noah James #EvictivityNoah http://yfrog.com/h7wxefj

ValerieGail: @ObjectivityRach Rach how precious he is!! Congrats to you, Chris and Ali!

mommyinstincts: @ObjectivityRach so sweet. Congrats mama! You’re one tough lady! He’s precious!!

tiamimi: @ObjectivityRach How adorable. Congratulations to you guys.

kbama: @ObjectivityRach Oh how wonderful! He is lovely. Congratulations!

sketsananer: @ObjectivityRach congrats

WadeOnTweets: Congrats to Rachel @ObjectivityRach who gave birth to Noah James Sunday, and live-tweeted labor: http://yfrog.com/h7wxefj

MagicCity_Mama: Congrats @ObjectivityRach!!!

WadeOnTweets: @ObjectivityRach You’re way tougher than most people I know.

(For the whole birth story, click here.)

Happy half-birthday to Noah, and Happy Father’s Day to the best Daddy ever!

Mission: First Car Trip.

June 16, 2011June 16, 2011 Rachel Callahan I'm a Glutton for Adventure, Just My Luck, Newbornities, Utter Silliness

The Villain: A normally delightfully happy baby…

…who has a severe disdain for all things vehicular.

The Victims: The innocent parental units and The Sibling, who unfortunately is in the nearest proximity to the villain.

Luckily, however, The Sibling has superpower capabilities, making her impervious to the agonizing screams of protest.

The Mission: Beach. Breathe the destination. Visualize the destination.

The Reward: Getting to visit with our dear Aunt Kitty, Uncle Leo, and their Toenail Art.

The Time Elapse of Torture: 4-5 hours, depending on whether there will be maternal (shorter) or paternal (painfully longer) driving.

Expected Modes of Torture: Screaming, Whining, Non-Napping, Pulling of Sister’s Hair if it wanders into The Polygon, spitting out of the paci, and more spitting out of the paci.

Coping Mechanisms: Ear Plugs, Ear Phones, Heavy Medication (for Mommy – not Villain), Giant Servings of Chocolate, Riding on the roof (Again, for Mommy – not Villain…maybe), a soundproof glass box over The Polygon.

If I survive this mission, I can survive anything.

However, should I perish, please know that I loved you all dearly.

Gourmet Baby: Yes, I Did Make a Breastmilk Smoothie.

June 15, 2011June 13, 2013 Rachel Callahan Actually Possibly Informational, Can I get a copy of that recipe?, I'm a Glutton for Adventure, Newbornities

After Noah’s obvious frozen yogurt love last weekend, Chris had an epiphany: I should make Noah his own FroYo, Baby-Kosher-Style.

Baby-Kosher-Style = made with frozen breastmilk.

Don’t worry – I’m not about to get all crazy. My byproducts will not be made into breastmilk cheese or anything curdish like that, but the thought of making Noah Frozen Yogurt was an interesting one…

Especially since Noah has still refused to actually swallow anything offered to him from a spoon – except for that fabulous Chocolate Frozen Yogurt.

It was as if he, in that chocolatey moment, realized the incredible value of swallowing.

So on Monday afternoon, Noah was a bit of a pill (which is quite odd for him – perhaps a Chocolate Frozen Yogurt hangover?), and I decided it was a perfect time to make him up a special treat to lift his spirits.

Ingredients: 5.5 ounces of frozen breastmilk and a tub of Gerber Peach Baby Food.

(Yeah, I know – I could have used real peaches. But I still think I should get some major organic points for this recipe, because I am definitely free-range, and sometimes even grain-fed.)

First, I turned the milk into shaved ice with my Ninja:

Then I stirred in half the peaches, tasted it, and quickly stirred in the rest of the peaches – a vast improvement.

(Yeah, I tasted it. No, that’s not cannibalistic.)

Here’s how it went down.

1. Fussy, discontent baby.

Just Add Baby FroYo…

2. WHOA! What was that?? And wow was it cold.

3. MoreMoreMoreMoreMoreNOW

(However, peach FroYo didn’t have the same amazing magic as chocolate – he still spit every bite out. That tongue just gets all excited and can’t help itself.)

So while I sopped him up and thought about other options, that led to…

5. How could you deny me???

In a brilliant move, I decided to repurpose the Frozen Yogurt into a Smoothie, which made for a happy, much less messy baby.

Once I managed to de-sticky-fy him while he was drinking the smoothie (to prevent further smoothie tantrums), I decided that we should move outside – because what better place to drink a smoothie than in a porch swing on a hot Alabama June day?

So. Baby smoothies?

Noah Approved.

(You may now insert your disgust here.)

How to Act When They Have a Baby.

June 14, 2011November 3, 2013 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, Awkwardly Intense Busybody Club, Blogging: the therapy., Newbornities, Parent of the Year, Pop Post

You know how some people contract an illness of ridiculous speech when you’re pregnant?

Regarding that disease, I have grave medical news: that craziness doesn’t always fade after you deliver your baby. In fact, in some cases, it can grow worse throughout your baby’s infanthood.

I experienced someone with a most serious case of the disease this week.

I typically go to Michael’s for crafts, frames, and projects for Ali. And somehow, I almost always have the same check-out lady.

(Apparently, she works every shift.)

She’s quirky, looks like she could pass for a Hogwarts instructor, and always has bizarre conversation to make.

But this week, it was clear that she might need to seek treatment for her malady of words.

I had seven items. It doesn’t take too long to check out with seven items. Yet she managed to fit the following conversation in during that time…

(And, may I first say that this conversation is not enhanced or exaggerated in any way. I went straight to my car and transcribed it word for word – because some things just need to be perfectly accurate.)

I move to the front of the cart to get my items out. Noah, who is at the back of the cart, begins to mildly complain.

“You need to move him where he can see you. Babies like to see people, you know.”

“Yes, they do.”

I continue getting my items out and tearing my coupons out of my sale paper. He is barely fussing – just a “eh” and a “wah” every now and then.

“You really need to move your cart so he can see you! He’ll be much happier.”

I finish unloading my seven items and giving her my coupons, so I push my cart up, without saying anything to Professor Nosy Nancy. I use what’s left of my sale paper to wave at Noah, making him laugh. I then hand him the sale paper to crumple while I’m paying.

“Oh! He’s going to get that dye all over him!! It’s not good for him. And it will make a big mess!”

I smile at my un-dyed baby so I don’t have to acknowledge her.

She stops ringing up my items, looks at Noah, and coos, “Tell your Mommy. Say, ‘I’m going to eat this paper and choke and that’s a really bad thing!!!’”

I stare at her. In shock. And awe. And complete and utter amazement.

So, to summarize, I am:

A Neglectful mother, letting my baby drown in loneliness and misery,
An irresponsible mother, letting my baby get newspaper dye all over him, and
A completely untrustworthy mother, letting my baby eat, and choke on, a newspaper.

And to think I just went into Michael’s to buy seven things. All of that maternal affirmation was just a bonus!

Because I Like to Be Helpful: Baby Feeding Tips.

June 13, 2011June 13, 2011 Rachel Callahan I'm No Videographer, Newbornities, Parent of the Year, Utter Silliness

* One should be very structured in introducing babies to solid foods. Do not introduce them to too many different flavors at once, and keep the variety of foods to safe, bland choices.

** Rice cereals should be offered first (unless your particular doctor says they’re now poisonous…much debate is currently in action over the efficacy and benefit of rice cereal), then fruits and vegetables, one at a time. Go very slowly with the introduction of new flavors to test for allergies and baby’s ability to digest and like new foods.

*** One should especially not introduce babies to sugar too early – certainly not as one of their first foods. This can be very detrimental to the development of their taste buds and their desire to eat normal foods.

**** One should never give a baby chocolate – and never even consider giving a baby anything espresso flavored, unless they want to put their own sanity and ability to sleep at extreme risk.

Here is an instructional video to illustrate these tips.

The Slippery Slope to Pink Hair.

June 12, 2011June 12, 2011 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, Don't Listen to my Fashion Advice, I'm a Glutton for Adventure, Just My Luck

The day started like any other.

A random question from Ali at the breakfast table: “Mommy, will you show me what a color wheel is?”

So, I did what any Mom would do, and pulled up Google Images.

We looked at dozens of different color wheels, talked about primary and secondary colors, and discussed which colors you mix to get which other colors.

The pinnacle of my morning was when we found a color wheel that listed tertiary colors:

It thrilled my geeky heart to the core to have a reason to teach my four year old the word “tertiary”.

Now if only I could find an excuse to teach her quaternary…

Of course, all of the color wheel talk led to drawing our own color wheels.

…But I had no idea the foreshadowing this would be to the rest of my day.

I had a hair appointment directly after our color wheel fun – it was time to redo my new highlights.

(They ended up being a bit orange for my taste last time, so I hoped to “tone it down” a bit.)

But, due to a discussion on Twitter earlier in the week about how I missed The Era of Pink Hair, I mentioned to my stylist (a student again, mind you), that my husband told me that I could have any color hair I wanted – even pink – as long as I left my hair long.

I’m positive she’d been waiting for the opportunity to make pink hair her whole life.

“OH! I could totally put a pink streak in your hair!! Do you really want one??? Would you let me would you let me would you let me??”

“Sure. Why not? Chris will love it.”

I could practically hear her soul squeal with delight.

She foiled my hair, all normally except for one section, which she especially bleached for pink preparation.

…Until her instructor came over and said “You can’t do pink.”

“Why not?”

“We don’t have pink. You could do Royal Blue… or Dark Purple…but not pink.”

“But I’ve already turned that piece of hair white! And she wants pink!”

(insert instructor-doubty-voice) “Well, you can try it…” (insert instructor-instructory-voice) “So. What makes pink?”

“Blue and red?”

“No… that makes purple.”

(I stayed quiet, but was really wishing I had our color wheel handy to loan to my stylist…)

“Oh. Right. White and Red.”

“Right. So you’ve got to dye her hair white, then mix it with a red, and it MIGHT work, but probably not.”

(I began wondering what it would look like if the “probably not” occurred…)

The instructor left, and my stylist explained… “We must not have pink hair dye here, because Aveda only makes “natural” colors.”

Psha. Pink is a natural color!! Flowers are pink, aren’t they?

But it was too late to back down now. It was time to find out what “probably not” would look like.

But first, she had to de-foil my subtle all-over highlights.

Subtle.

Like, when she pulled it out, it looked like this:

Luckily for me (and her), she’d prepared me that my hair was a monstrosity of a color, but that the toner would make ALL the difference.

THANK GOD FOR TONER, whatever that is.

Finally, she pulled out the white piece and began applying the Probably-Not-Pink toner.

When the time came for the reveal, she and a bunch of students crowded around my hair…which I couldn’t see.

“That’s not pink.”

“That’s – what IS that color even??”

“I don’t know what that color is, but it’s NOT pink.”

“That’s bizarre!!!”

They pulled it around to let me see my now alien-like strand of hair.

They were right. I had never seen that color before, but it definitely wasn’t anything near “natural”, or pink.

It was, I’m pretty sure, an as-yet-undiscovered color.

As if someone had taken Ali’s color wheel and soaked it in water, mixing all of the colors into a brand new, GHASTLY UGLY color. It was somewhere between gray and purple and pink and white and a little blue… a color that no hair, nor anything else for that matter, should ever be.

“We think you should just go to Sally Beauty Supply and buy some of the good pink hair dye – ours just won’t do it.”

(I’m pretty sure the Snobs of Aveda Salon would have fainted at that statement by their sweet little protégés.)

They pulled another student over with blazingly hot pink hair à la Sally – yes, that was exactly what I wanted.

So I agreed. Self-applied hot pink Sally hair is better than I-Have-No-Idea-What-Color-That-Is hair.

(Which, by the way, she normal-tonered away – almost. I can still find a trace of the UnColor.)

So that evening, I told Ali we were headed to Sally Beauty Supply, because we were going to make Mommy some pink hair.

Her eyes got wide. She gasped.

“No! Not pink!! That’s weird!! …you’re not going to do ALL your hair pink, are you??”

“No baby. Just a little bit. Won’t that be fun?”

“Well I’M not going to have pink hair.” …but then in a dreamy whisper, she added… “But when I get big, I’m going to have bright blue hair.”

That’s great, honey.

On the way there, I had a major moment of sanity doubt when I looked in my vanity mirror and noticed my 29-year-old face.

Wrinkles.

Lines.

General agedness.

I am WAY too old to have pink hair.

Then I reminded myself – what’s life if not an adventure?

Plus, Chris is, as we all know, a hair man. He’ll totally think it’s hot. And if I can’t mix it up for my husband every now and then, what good am I, really?

So I forged ahead and bought the Holy Grail of Hair Color.

I found the lightest strand of my new (and much better, by the way) highlights I could find (not the UnColor one… no need to create an even more ghastly color), and coated and foiled myself (with kitchen aluminum foil) – totally like a professional.

Although halfway through, I had to re-foil after checking and messing up my foiling, and ended up looking more like a drunk teletubby.

(Apparently, my former foiling was totally beginner’s luck.)

20 minutes later, my streak was barely-ever-so-slightly-not-really pink.

I re-applied, my foiling job getting even worse. Waited. Conditioned it. Waited for it to dry. Checked it: I had a bit of pink.

Um, yeah. I said a BIT of pink.

But you know what? I’m 29. A bit of pink is probably all that’s really decent, anyway.

And then, after all that work, two washes and a swim later, it totally disappeared.

Pink – it eludes me.

How to Properly Embarrass Your Kid.

June 10, 2011June 10, 2011 Rachel Callahan Utter Silliness, Weird Strange and True

I’ve decided that we cannot homeschool after all.

In fact, Ali will be attending public school as soon as possible. So that she can ride the bus.

…because I really, REALLY want to be able to do what this guy did – Wave at the Bus.

170 days of school,

spending less than $50 dollars total,

he managed to costume up uniquely (and hilariously) every day and wave to his high school son’s school bus:

As the betrothed…

As the typical Dad…

As the rebellious teenage daughter…

As every man-born-in-the-70’s dream girl,

As the mom-next-door,

As a world leader,

And as Ali’s favorite,

And, on the last day, celebrating his one leg by dressing up as a Pirate.

…plus 162 other costumes that you can go see on his wife’s blog journal of the entire year.

Brilliant. Utterly brilliant.

He has now set the bar at a new high.

If I make it through life without ever doing anything to this caliber to my children, I will consider myself a complete and utter parental failure.