How to Act When They Have a Baby.

You know how some people contract an illness of ridiculous speech when you’re pregnant?

Regarding that disease, I have grave medical news: that craziness doesn’t always fade after you deliver your baby.  In fact, in some cases, it can grow worse throughout your baby’s infanthood.

I experienced someone with a most serious case of the disease this week.

I typically go to Michael’s for crafts, frames, and projects for Ali.  And somehow, I almost always have the same check-out lady.

(Apparently, she works every shift.)

She’s quirky, looks like she could pass for a Hogwarts instructor, and always has bizarre conversation to make.

But this week, it was clear that she might need to seek treatment for her malady of words.

I had seven items.  It doesn’t take too long to check out with seven items.  Yet she managed to fit the following conversation in during that time…

(And, may I first say that this conversation is not enhanced or exaggerated in any way.  I went straight to my car and transcribed it word for word – because some things just need to be perfectly accurate.)

I move to the front of the cart to get my items out.  Noah, who is at the back of the cart, begins to mildly complain.

“You need to move him where he can see you.  Babies like to see people, you know.”

“Yes, they do.”

I continue getting my items out and tearing my coupons out of my sale paper.  He is barely fussing – just a “eh” and a “wah” every now and then.

“You really need to move your cart so he can see you!  He’ll be much happier.”

I finish unloading my seven items and giving her my coupons, so I push my cart up, without saying anything to Professor Nosy Nancy.  I use what’s left of my sale paper to wave at Noah, making him laugh.  I then hand him the sale paper to crumple while I’m paying.

“Oh! He’s going to get that dye all over him!! It’s not good for him.  And it will make a big mess!”

I smile at my un-dyed baby so I don’t have to acknowledge her.

She stops ringing up my items, looks at Noah, and coos, “Tell your Mommy.  Say, ‘I’m going to eat this paper and choke and that’s a really bad thing!!!’”

I stare at her. In shock.  And awe.  And complete and utter amazement.

So, to summarize, I am:

  • A Neglectful mother, letting my baby drown in loneliness and misery,
  • An irresponsible mother, letting my baby get newspaper dye all over him, and
  • A completely untrustworthy mother, letting my baby eat, and choke on, a newspaper.

And to think I just went into Michael’s to buy seven things.  All of that maternal affirmation was just a bonus!