You know how some people contract an illness of ridiculous speech when you’re pregnant?

Regarding that disease, I have grave medical news: that craziness doesn’t always fade after you deliver your baby.  In fact, in some cases, it can grow worse throughout your baby’s infanthood.

I experienced someone with a most serious case of the disease this week.

I typically go to Michael’s for crafts, frames, and projects for Ali.  And somehow, I almost always have the same check-out lady.

(Apparently, she works every shift.)

She’s quirky, looks like she could pass for a Hogwarts instructor, and always has bizarre conversation to make.

But this week, it was clear that she might need to seek treatment for her malady of words.

I had seven items.  It doesn’t take too long to check out with seven items.  Yet she managed to fit the following conversation in during that time…

(And, may I first say that this conversation is not enhanced or exaggerated in any way.  I went straight to my car and transcribed it word for word – because some things just need to be perfectly accurate.)

I move to the front of the cart to get my items out.  Noah, who is at the back of the cart, begins to mildly complain.

“You need to move him where he can see you.  Babies like to see people, you know.”

“Yes, they do.”

I continue getting my items out and tearing my coupons out of my sale paper.  He is barely fussing – just a “eh” and a “wah” every now and then.

“You really need to move your cart so he can see you!  He’ll be much happier.”

I finish unloading my seven items and giving her my coupons, so I push my cart up, without saying anything to Professor Nosy Nancy.  I use what’s left of my sale paper to wave at Noah, making him laugh.  I then hand him the sale paper to crumple while I’m paying.

“Oh! He’s going to get that dye all over him!! It’s not good for him.  And it will make a big mess!”

I smile at my un-dyed baby so I don’t have to acknowledge her.

She stops ringing up my items, looks at Noah, and coos, “Tell your Mommy.  Say, ‘I’m going to eat this paper and choke and that’s a really bad thing!!!’”

I stare at her. In shock.  And awe.  And complete and utter amazement.

So, to summarize, I am:

  • A Neglectful mother, letting my baby drown in loneliness and misery,
  • An irresponsible mother, letting my baby get newspaper dye all over him, and
  • A completely untrustworthy mother, letting my baby eat, and choke on, a newspaper.

And to think I just went into Michael’s to buy seven things.  All of that maternal affirmation was just a bonus!

30 thoughts on “How to Act When They Have a Baby.

    1. The thought occurred to me, but I don’t think she had any idea she was rude. In my book, if you’re outright and purposefully rude, it’s a whole lot worse than being completely oblivious to your own bad behavior – because I don’t think she meant it nearly as insanely ridiculous as it came out.

  1. Goodness, what a kook. I think I would have had to light a cig for the baby or hand him a pair of scissors, but that’s just me. ;) I remember buying bunk beds for the kids and I remarked about being able to fit handcuffs on the headboard. That salesperson had no sense of humor either.

  2. You must have had shoes on him, and the proper attire for the weather because she didn’t have to mention that. See, at least you are doing SOMETHING right!

  3. I once had a middle aged man tell me that “a reasonable person probably wouldn’t take a baby out in this kind of weather.” True, it was below freezing and snowy but in the 30 seconds from the car to the coffee shop, he was in a warm outfit, a snowsuit, two blankets and a carseat cover. If I didn’t take my baby out in that kind of weather I would be housebound almost always between late October and April. I’m pretty sure I would be much less reasonable were that to happen!

  4. Don’t ever give him a bath either, babies can drown in less than 2 inches of water. And don’t even *think* about letting him play with the car keys, do you KNOW how disgusting those are??

  5. I applaud you for holding your tongue. I can’t stand people like this. If you want to raise a child, have your own.

    1. Not bad, not bad. Except that I think she would have been quite puzzled – she obviously was completely oblivious to the fact that she was rude. (sigh)

  6. What she said sounds EXACTLY like something I would have been saying to someone and the kind of thing I have said.She probably just gets nervous when she sees people doing things with babies that she thinks are wrong.

  7. Oh my gosh…seriously? Why do people feel the need to give young moms unsolicited advice? It’s so annoying!

    I have had this happen twice to me lately. Maybe I’ll blog about it later because after reading your story, I’m really irked all over again.

  8. Wow. I think you are right though, she probably didn’t even realize she was being rude. I think some of those people get so bored standing there all day that they will say anything to get a reaction out of someone!

  9. Poor lady couldn’t help herself! She knows so much more about raising babies than you…obviously! lol ya gotta laugh. Can you imagine her as a grandmother driving her daughters-in-law crazy??

  10. Okay, so I know this is an old post, and I’m super late to the party, but I had a sweet little old lady ooh and gooo over the twins at Walmart the other day.

    And then she asked me how old they were.

    I said, “Almost 9 weeks.”

    And she said, “WHAT? And you have them out in THIS weather? If I had tried that in my day, they would have killed me!”

    Apparently, she was fine with my babies being out in the horrendously freezing 65-degree weather in their footie pajamas and blankets until she found out their exact ages.

    Also, I wish she’d been a little more specific about who “they” are because I’m scared to meet “them.”

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