Rachel Callahan

Houdin-O-Baby.

March 2, 2011March 2, 2011 Rachel Callahan Just My Luck, Newbornities, Parent of the Year, Utter Silliness, Weird Strange and True

Noah has many talents besides his acting skills… such as his ability to strangle a beast of a bear one-handed…

and (almost) shove his whole fist into his mouth…

But his most impressive talent thus far is his ability to escape impossible situations.

I put him to bed every night like this:

Okay. Maybe not that happy OR that awake, but definitely that trapped.

His imprisonment is as follows:

Fully buttoned footie pajamas,
A double-sided wedge sleep positioner, and
Swaddled ridiculously tightly in an extra large and completely un-stretchy blanket, rolled up in his tootsie roll so many times that you have to flip him four times on the bed to unravel him.

He looks like nothing but a detached Baby Bobble Head by the time I finish:

And so, with all of that effort and the fact that he’s TEN WEEKS OLD, and, therefore, not exactly mobile, I fully expect for him to look like this when I come get him in the morning:

But no.

About every fourth morning, I come in to find this:

Yes. Just casually laying there, pretending that he’s been doing nothing but sleeping all night long, rather than feverishly working on escaping from his pajamas AND his straight jacket swaddle.

I can almost hear the over-excited TV Commentator start talking as I leave the room…

“Okay! Start the countdown!! The Great Houdin-O-Baby now has only eight hours to be the YOUNGEST MAGICIABABY EVER to escape from this impossible trap!! Look at him wriggle!!! There’s a shoulder!! And another!! AMAZING!!! Will he make it??”

I suppose I should count my blessings that he hasn’t figured out how to escape his diaper yet, because once those morning stretches begin…

…his bed would suffer a fate worse than death that no amount of magicianship could reverse.

A Collection of Ifs and a Butt.

March 1, 2011March 3, 2011 Rachel Callahan "Deep" Thoughts by Rachel, Photographical Oddities, Utter Silliness, Weird Strange and True

IF you’re marketing designer maternity denim, why not put your model in shoes that would completely risk the life of any (off-balanced and clumsy) pregnant woman?

IF one has to wait 10 minutes for an apparently picky request of “No Cheese”, this should not be what one should receive:

IF you’re a University that shares a state with two other Universities that have recently won Football National Championships, then by all means, hide your feelings of sports-inadequacy by acting like the Penelope, the one-upper character from SNL:

(I’m totally going to get kicked out of the Alumni Association for that…except for the fact that I’ve never gotten around to joining.)

IF you hashtag notes to yourself, you might be a twitter addict…

(Also, IF you’re the husband that feels the need to expose your wife’s Twitter addiction on Twitter, you also might be a Twitter addict.)

(And, as one of my friends pointed out, IF you have to write yourself a note to remember to bathe your kids, you might have a newborn.)

But back to addictions…

IF your collection of reusable cups is taller than your child, then you might be a Zoës addict…

IF you like the thought of Taxation Without Representation, DC is, apparently, the place for you:

IF your delivery craving of choice is tacos AND spaghetti, then I found the take-out service for you:

IF an adjective to describe your playground wear is not just “Cheek-Hugging” but “Cheek-Paint”, then it might be time to give up your pre-kids wardrobe.

IF you have a special affinity toward people of the Asian descent, then why not have a bumper sticker to tell the world?

(Would that be considered "reverse discrimination??)

IF you’re a babywearin’, huntin’, or babywearin’-while-huntin’ sorta guy, I found the product for you:

They also have a gun holster attachment to go right onto your baby wrap! And infant-safe deer pee with which to cover you and your progeny to make sure that you attract the prey!

…or not.

(By the way, for those of you who have asked which babywearing accessory I ended up getting, I actually got this same Moby (but in a slightly different print), and Noah and I are BOTH in love with it, as you know if you’ve seen us anywhere in the past few weeks.)

And finally…

IF you’re so distracted photographing this truck that you run into it, you MIGHT need more than tomato juice to rid yourself of that much aroma…

…and more than psychotherapy to remove the frightening visual of a Fezzik-Sized Kim Kardashian smashing through your windshield.

Hollywood.

February 27, 2011March 11, 2011 Rachel Callahan Guest Post, I would NEVER take too many pictures. . ., Newbornities, NoahBlogs, Utter Silliness

Hi there – Noah here. The servant that calls herself “Mommy” told me that I had a lot of fans from my last post, so I decided to guest blog for her again. Plus, both servants ditched me at the Grandparents for the first time and fled town to one of Mommy’s favorite places for the weekend, and even though I wasn’t around to consume her every waking second, she still couldn’t find the time to blog.

I wonder what they were doing all that time…

Anyway. In my last post, I wrote my Memoirs. So today, I want to write about my future. I have aspirations for my life, and I’m not just going to lay around and let life pass me by, even if I don’t know how to sit up quite yet!

I want to go to Hollywood.

No, not just because I’ve been watching American Idol with the servants. Besides – that guy with the big lips kinda scares me – especially since the Mommy Servant told me that would happen to my lips if I ate too slow.

I guess that’s how his lips got that way.

Anyway. Hollywood. I want to be an actor.

And so, I’ve been working on my auditioning skills.

First, I started with simple characters…

Such as…an old, beer-bellied Italian Grandfather giving a long-winded speech to his glazed-over grandchild:

A cheering football fan, slightly wild-eyed-passionate-for-my-team, but not quite to the killing-trees state of “fandom”:

(The Daddy Servant wouldn’t be too happy at the colors I wore while practicing that character. Don’t tell him, mmkay?)

That annoying student that there’s one of in every class – the one who can’t help but have a comment on every single stinkin’ thing the teacher has to say:

The frustrated boss that’s about to blow:

And the traumatized employee on which the boss blows up.

After perfecting those AWESOME characters, I wanted to show how talented I am at impressions – to prove that I can handle just about any role that Hollywood would allow me to play…you know, in case they decide to hire me and that E-Trade baby to remake some old films.

Mister T:

(The Mommy Servant wouldn’t buy me any gold chains – she said it wasn’t in my auditioning budget. Ri-DICULOUS.)

Chloe from 24, with that characteristic “something smells” look on her face:

(I think something DID smell in that audition clip…)

Romeo, speaking up to Juliet on her balcony:

(That audition can also double as President Obama during a rousing speech. Man I’d love to play him in his Memoir Movie one day, but the Mommy Servant said something about me not having the right genetics…whatever that means.)

Jason Bourne, recklessly driving a small European sports car through the streets of Paris:

Jackie Chan, in every movie he’s ever been in:

I worked the hardest on Harry Potter. I wanted to show my ability to act out an entire Harry Potter Scene, one-baby-style. And it’s pure magic, I tell ya…

Professor Snape, casting an Expelliarmus!!

Harry, blocking the spell!!

Harry, fighting back with Confundo!!

Snape, becoming confused and befuddled after Harry’s Confundo spell!

Hermione, scolding Harry with great disapproval for fighting with a Professor!

Ron, looking a bit shocked and confused over the whole thing!

And finally, Dumbledore, wand drawn, arrives to break up the fight!

– Oh wait – I’m getting a call from my agent…

“Good work, son. Impressive acting skills. But if you want to be an A-Lister, you’ve gotta be able to put on a million dollar smile with which to charm all the ladies. Do ya have it in you?”

Oh yeah…I can make Justin Bieber look like Gary Busey when he’s compared to me!! Sending over my head shots now…

“You’ve got yourself quite a future, son. And I’m especially glad to see you grew some eyebrows. But if you really want to show up Bieber, you might want to consider some bangs.”

Maybe if I push hard enough…

eeeerrrrrGGGHH…

oh.

Um, no bangs came out, but does anyone happen to have a fresh diaper?

Family Photos – Mine AND Yours! (Giveaway!!)

February 25, 2011February 25, 2011 Rachel Callahan Giveaways and Contests, Kids: The Experience., Newbornities, The Blissfulness of Life

A few weeks back, we decided to attempt the scary – the impossible – the potentially traumatizing.

Family photos. With a newborn. A newborn that was not (yet) out of a three-week-long fussapotamus phase.

AND without my Mom along to help corral little people and bring about smiles. I’ve never attempted photos without my Mom’s help – she’s the epitome of the photographic security blanket.

I attempted Ali’s first official photos when she was 3 months old. After an hour of waiting at the busy photography studio, another hour of trying to get Ali to quit screaming long enough to snap a picture that didn’t show her intense hatred of the world, and 60+ photos later, there was not a SINGLE decent photo of her.

So this time, I was scared. One more kid, taking family photos too (which I would be predestined to hate due to my still post-pregnancy body), and no helper.

But we decided to do our photos with a wonderful couple photography team, Harrison Abbott Photography, instead of the crowded, cookie cutter photo center that we usually go to.

And, although Noah certainly didn’t make it easy (he was quite grouchy that day – apparently he wanted Gramamma along for the ride also), AND it was too cold to get outdoor shots (despite the weekend before AND the weekend after being beautiful), it went so well that I didn’t even pull out one strand of my hair (or anyone else’s) in a fit of photographical stress!

Harrison and Hannah were great with the kids, so much so that Ali still can’t stop talking about “Annah”.

(Apparently, the “H” is silent, and the only one that knows that bit of knowledge is Ali.)

Now granted, Ali DID question our photographical timing judgement when Noah screamed into her face…

But as it turned out, our absolute favorite picture was of the two of them together – once he finished screaming in her face.

(Thank goodness she’s a very forgiving child.)

We got some sweet photos of us with Noah,

As well as Ali.

And, of course, you might have noticed my new family photo at the top of my blog..

(Thank goodness you can’t tell that was probably the day that my jeans met a sad demise..)

Harrison and Hannah were extraordinarily patient with us, asked for our input on what types of photos we wanted taken, and even worked around a Noah-Insisted-On nap right in the middle of the photo session. They were great!

And, because they’re so great, they’re giving a free photo session away to one of you! The session (a $125 value) can be used at any location of your choice in the Birmingham area, or in their studio. All prints and products sold separately.

If you would like to be entered into the giveaway for a free photo session, simply request to be entered in your comment!

You can earn up to four extra entries by:

Liking Harrison Abbott Photography on Facebook OR following them on Twitter.
Tweet, blog, OR Facebook about this giveaway
Subscribe to OR Follow my blog
Follow me on Twitter OR Facebook

(be sure to leave separate comments for your extra entries.)

Best of luck! This giveaway is open until Monday, March 7th. The winner will be randomly selected and posted on my giveaway winners page on Tuesday, March 8th.

Disclosure: I received a free photo session from Harrison Abbott Photography, but paid for all of my photo prints. I was not compensated for writing this post. My opinions are always my own, as are Ali’s. Noah’s opinions will also be his own one day, but right now his only opinion is that he HATES a nasty diaper more than a thousand burning suns.

If Only I Could Live in a Skinny Mirror…

February 23, 2011February 23, 2011 Rachel Callahan "Deep" Thoughts by Rachel, Don't Listen to my Fashion Advice, I embarrass myself just for your amusement., It's Tough Being a Girl, Photographical Oddities

I first became aware of the phenomenon about a decade ago.

It was in a CVS Pharmacy, of all places. It must have been Christmastime, because they had a plethora of cheap-Christmas-gift-Merchandise on hand.

And there was a “full-length” mirror – or at least it was a long rectangular mirror about four feet high. It had the world’s cheapest frame around it, and a pricetag of $10.

But I caught a glimpse of myself in it as I passed by, and was magnetically drawn back to it… and could barely tear my eyes away. I had instantaneously lost at least 20 pounds.

All the fitness-trainer-endorsed diet pills for $50 a bottle in the entire store couldn’t make me lose weight as fast as that ridiculously cheap mirror.

I still regret not buying that mirror…

I mean, it’s really great to teach your kids to boost your self-esteem like Mama Hen trained us to do, but to have a mirror that would visually lie to you every single day of your life – that is priceless.

Since that fateful day, I have been keenly aware of the existence of skinny mirrors and their evil stepsister, fat mirrors.

And, unfortunately, the mirror that Chris so romantically gave me last Christmas (and that I took all of my pregnancy pictures in) is not, indeed, a skinny mirror.

But how was he to know? Only a girl can truly judge the weightiness of a mirror.

Plus, it helps me keep a realistic image of myself.

However, the $3 pink-plastic-framed mirror that he bought Ali (so that she could be like Mommy) is, indeed, a skinny mirror.

So, if I’m ever feeling especially self-conscious about my post-babyishness, I sneak into her room to see the skinny person that exists somewhere inside of me.

But, I believe that retail stores are beginning to learn of the skinny mirror / fat mirror phenomenon and are starting to take advantage of my weakness for a flattering self-image…

In particularly, Express.

I’ve never quite understood why Express was one of my favorite stores, and why I tended to buy more there than anywhere else. Until last week.

Chris had given me an Express gift certificate to buy some post-baby clothes. I am well aware of my post-pregnancy state-of-body, and so when I looked in that mirror and saw a much smaller, not-post-partum version of myself, I all of a sudden knew EXACTLY why I loved that store so much.

(That, plus the fact that they size all of their pants two sizes smaller than they really are…)

I walked out of that dressing room, bought every piece of clothing I tried on, even though I had full knowledge that they wouldn’t look as good anywhere else, and asked the sales clerk if I could please rent out their dressing rooms to get our family photos taken – in their mirrors.

I don’t think he knew just how serious I was.

La Tristesse.

February 22, 2011February 22, 2011 Rachel Callahan Photographical Oddities, Weird Strange and True

“The Sadness.”

Despite my many years of French lessons (which are oh-so-helpful in Alabama, let me tell you), I didn’t know what La Tristesse meant until I met Chris.

He had this weird, melancholy, artsy poster left over from his College Dorm Days – it said “La Tristesse” at the top, and was a very dramatic, black and white picture of a little girl with a tear running down her cheek.

I never understood why he was drawn to it – I found it to be an odd and depressing sort of picture, but being that he was a musician and all, I figured he was allowed some oddities for composition inspiration.

I hadn’t thought about that poster in years, until I took this picture the other day…

And Chris felt it looked oddly familiar…

So he poked around in the basement until he found this…

And we had the very eerie realization that Chris had a poster of his child – fifteen years before she was born.

The Kind of Suckers You Wait Decades For.

February 20, 2011February 22, 2011 Rachel Callahan Actually Possibly Informational, Homeschooling: Not just for the socially awkward anymore., I embarrass myself just for your amusement., Storytime

It all started sometime in very early elementary school when I had gone over to my cousin’s house after he got out of school. He had just had his Valentine’s party that day, and was loaded down with delicious looking Valentine’s loot attached to Valentine’s cards from all of his classmates.

(I wish I’d learned from this memory – I sent Ali to her Cubbies Valentine’s party with JUST cards, seeing as how that was what the instructions said. Imagine my feelings of inadequacy when she came home with a bag full of cards – but every one of them with candy, stickers, and other such gifts attached. Oops.)

Anyway, back to the 80’s.

Amidst my cousin’s plentiful loot was one of those colored-chocolate-suckers. A Red Rose.

(I guess it’s not really chocolate, but it’s the consistency of chocolate, except that it comes in all different colors, and tastes like White Chocolate, which was my childhood chocolate of choice).

I wanted that sucker so badly, but my cousin, ever the entrepreneur, wanted instead to try to sell his treats in the front yard to passers-by.

So we set up a Valentine-Candy-Selling Stand.

(Which, really, was quite the upgrade from the Rock-selling stand he’d convinced us to put up at our house once before.)

But his Mom wasn’t too keen on the idea of us selling Valentine’s candy to strangers (although surely it was better than us TAKING candy from strangers), so she came out and told us that we had to close up shop.

I, of course, was thrilled with this turn of events. This was my chance!! Maybe I’d end up with that amazing sucker after all…

But my cousin was quite upset at his foiled plans of great wealth, and to show his frustration, he feigned a kick in his Mom’s general direction. Which of course got him in trouble, and punished, and the candy taken away.

(sigh.)

That sucker and I just weren’t meant to be.

Fast forward to 2011.

Since I was giving birth at Christmastime, I wasn’t able (or at least willing in ANY way) to do my traditional Christmas baking with which we typically gift our neighbors. So instead, I decided Ali and I would make a much less intense batch of Valentine’s treats.

…Which was the perfect excuse to regain my childhood Valentine desires.

So I researched what we needed, and we bought the supplies at our local craft store.. Wilton Candy Melts , Sucker Sticks , and Candy Molds…

I read the directions – this was going to be SO easy!! Why haven’t I fulfilled this desire earlier in my life? All those years I wasted, sucker-less…

Simply melt the candies for a minute in the microwave right in microwaveable Wilton Icing bags, then cut the ends off and squeeze it into the molds.

What could go wrong???

Well, hypothetically speaking, one might forget that twist ties, unlike the bags, are NOT microwave safe:

After the loud popping, sparks, and firestorm, Ali informed me that she was going to go in the living room for the duration of the microwaving process, “so that I don’t get scared.”

But once Ali tasted the yumminess of the (non-burnt) melted candy, she forgave me for my arson attempts.

The first day, we simply squeezed the candy into the molds and left it at that. But I desired a higher level of artistic intricacy.

(Plus, we ate all of the suckers we made, leaving none for the neighbors.)

So we went back to the store and bought a candy paint tray and brush…

(Forgive Ali’s wardrobe. It was right after gymnastics…)

We melted a couple candies in our tray and painted the details in the molds one color, then squeezed another color over them to fill the molds.

And what we ended up with were surprisingly artistic dual colored candy suckers:

We bagged them up with Ali’s school assignment from that day – handwritten Valentines – and delivered them to our neighbors..

And, of course, fulfilled our own candy cravings to our heart’s desire.

It took 20+ years to actually have that sucker, but it was totally worth the wait.

…And we might just have to make Easter Suckers when we run out.

Then Independence Day Suckers…

Then Labor Day Suckers…

You get the point.

Giveaway – Family Four Pack to Madagascar Live!

February 18, 2011February 19, 2011 Rachel Callahan Giveaways and Contests

We took Ali (And Noah) to see “Madagascar Live!” Tuesday night. We had seen the movie, and seeing as how it is one of less than half-dozen movies that are un-scary enough for Ali to like, we figured she would definitely enjoy the musical.

And sure enough, she loved it!!!

(We also took Gramamma along. And not JUST so that she would help us with the kids. Wasn’t that nice??)

The actors do a great job portraying the same personalities as the characters from the movie:

Photo from Madagascar Live’s web site

My favorite was definitely Melman the very hypochondriac Giraffe, but Ali preferred Gloria the Hippo. Who, I must say, has quite the self-confidence to be willing to wear that costume.

Photo from Madagascar Live’s web site

The show was a ton of fun. It was the perfect length for Ali’s attention span (about an hour and a half, including an intermission), and she loved all of the music and animals.

The characters were funny without being overly cheesy – entertaining for both Ali AND us. And the sets were amazing!! It was very professionally put together, obviously with a lot of time and effort put into it.

The only thing that I didn’t like was that there was, in my opinion, some language that could have been left out of the play, considering it is geared toward children: namely the one-time use of the word “sucks” ( and also quite a few “butts” and a “sexy”). But Ali didn’t seem catch onto any of them.

Overall, though, we all thought it was a great family event! And I’m excited that Ali has experienced her first musical – and loved it!

If you would like to win a family pack of four tickets to any of the cities that the Musical is travelling to, simply comment on this post!!

(And if you’re in Birmingham, the performances here are over, but they’re still coming to Knoxville, so it might be a fun family trip if you won.)

You can earn up to four extra entries by:

Liking Madagascar Live! on Facebook
Tweet, blog, OR Facebook about this giveaway
Subscribe to OR Follow my blog
Follow me on Twitter OR Facebook

(be sure to leave separate comments for your extra entries.)

Best of luck! This giveaway is open until Monday, February 28th. The winner will be randomly selected and posted on my giveaway winners page on Tuesday, March 1st.

Disclosure: We received four tickets for the purposes of reviewing the musical. My opinions are, as always, my own.

The Shot Heard ‘Round the State.

February 17, 2011February 17, 2011 Rachel Callahan "Deep" Thoughts by Rachel, Football and I have a Complicated Relationship, Newsflash

The Date: 2042.

The Setting: Ali’s kids are over visiting my ancient grandmotherly self, and the following conversation occurs…

“Gramamma, why is there an East Alabama and a West Alabama? And why is there that huge orange and red wall up between them??”

Well, it all started when your mother was a little girl like you are now…

You see, there was this sport called Football. It’s long been banned from the country now, for the very reason that we have two Alabamas…

There were two big football teams in our state – and they had the biggest rivalry in the entire nation. But it was a good rivalry – after all, football wasn’t football without having a rival, so although the teams and fans were constantly “bickering” (or, as they called it back then, “Trash Talking), they were actually enjoying themselves – that’s what made the sport fun for them.

(Of course, I myself was just a marginal fan, so I would have preferred there to have been no booing, bickering, or trash talking, but your Grandfather was quite the fan, so I obliged and cheered, but never booed.)

Anyway. The problem with rivalries is that while most people are just having fun, there are always the crazy people who don’t get the memo that sports fandom is supposed to be enjoyable and light-hearted, and think the whole thing is serious and “life or death”.

Well one day after the two teams had won back to back National Championships and the hype (and, therefore, the rivalries,) were as high as they’d ever been, one of those crazy people did something over the top, horrible, and even criminal. He poisoned ancient trees that were an integral part of the other team’s campus, and that had unbelievably huge sentimental value to the other team.

Which led to outrage on both sides…

(Thankfully, almost all of the fans of the team that the crazy man was associated with were horrified at his actions, also.)

But the extremists on both sides turned it ugly…

Which led to the non-extremists getting mad at the extremists…

Which led to retribution…

Which led to Civil War.

You know how your Mommy puts you and your brother in time out when you start arguing? Well, the reason she does that is so that you can both cool down and quit being so angry, so that you don’t keep ramping up your fighting and end up doing or saying something you regret.

Well, no one could put the entire state of Alabama in a time out.

And that’s why we have East Alabama and West Alabama.

Dear World:

I apologize for my state. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, I’m afraid you will soon. Oh – and may I move to your state until the war stops?

Wardrobial Consequences.

February 16, 2011February 16, 2011 Rachel Callahan Denim Drama, Don't Listen to my Fashion Advice, I embarrass myself just for your amusement., It's Tough Being a Girl, Just My Luck, Pregnancy: The Psychoses., The Cartoon Age

As I was folding my jeans on Saturday, I saw a horrific sight. My favorite pair of jeans – the most cherished item in my wardrobe – had, unbeknownst to me, acquired quite the hole. And said hole was notsomuch in a place where holes are acceptable…

My first reaction was mourning, of course. There were so many things that I never got the opportunity to tell those jeans…

Then the paranoia came. Obviously, that hole had developed at some point when my butt was actually in those jeans, meaning that there was a good chance the someone – or MANY someones – knew about the death of my jeans (and, therefore, the color of my undergarments) before I did.

(If you were one of those someones, I do apologize for my immodesty. Oh – and I’m no longer speaking to you for allowing me to continue on in that condition, blissfully unaware of my hinder issues.)

As I continued my ten steps of grieving, next came blame.

Okay, I can’t totally blame Noah for that hole. He didn’t make me choose to cram myself into my jeans until I was seven months pregnant, therefore stretching the very soul out of that poor, unfortunate expanse of denim.

But now I know, first hand, that Sir Isaac Newton was no fool: Every action does indeed have an equal and opposite reaction.

So of course, I became consumed with replacing my favorite pair of jeans.

Which, of course, had been discontinued.

But, thanks to my best friend, Internet, typing the style number into Google found me the one pair left in the universe – that happened to be for sale on Ebay, and in my size.

(Seriously – how DID people live before the internet existed???)

Those jeans are now flying towards me from whence they came with the help of UPS, desperately hoping that they don’t suffer the same fate as their predecessor.

…But then on Sunday I watched the Grammys.

And I realized that my wardrobe sorely needed to be updated, not replaced.

Because – Who Knew? Denim is totally out, and CARTOON clothing is the way to go.

Lady Gaga dressed as Madeline,

(Or, at least, she dressed as Madeline in the as-yet-unpublished book, “Madeline Meets Teen Angst”.)

Nicki Minaj was most definitely channeling Cruella De Vil,

And Cee-Lo was strutting the style of Giant-Elmo-Eats-The-Entire-Cast-Of-Sesame-Street.

But I didn’t feel TOO bad, because I wasn’t the only one who didn’t get the memo: Poor Miranda Lambert thought the style was COMMERCIALS, not cartoons.

So she naturally dressed as Mud.

Swiffer would be so proud.