IF you’re marketing designer maternity denim, why not put your model in shoes that would completely risk the life of any (off-balanced and clumsy) pregnant woman?
IF one has to wait 10 minutes for an apparently picky request of “No Cheese”, this should not be what one should receive:
IF you’re a University that shares a state with two other Universities that have recently won Football National Championships, then by all means, hide your feelings of sports-inadequacy by acting like the Penelope, the one-upper character from SNL:
(I’m totally going to get kicked out of the Alumni Association for that…except for the fact that I’ve never gotten around to joining.)
IF you hashtag notes to yourself, you might be a twitter addict…
(And, as one of my friends pointed out, IF you have to write yourself a note to remember to bathe your kids, you might have a newborn.)
But back to addictions…
IF your collection of reusable cups is taller than your child, then you might be a Zoës addict…
IF your delivery craving of choice is tacos AND spaghetti, then I found the take-out service for you:
IF an adjective to describe your playground wear is not just “Cheek-Hugging” but “Cheek-Paint”, then it might be time to give up your pre-kids wardrobe.
IF you have a special affinity toward people of the Asian descent, then why not have a bumper sticker to tell the world?
(Would that be considered "reverse discrimination??)
IF you’re a babywearin’, huntin’, or babywearin’-while-huntin’ sorta guy, I found the product for you:
They also have a gun holster attachment to go right onto your baby wrap! And infant-safe deer pee with which to cover you and your progeny to make sure that you attract the prey!
(By the way, for those of you who have asked which babywearing accessory I ended up getting, I actually got this same Moby (but in a slightly different print), and Noah and I are BOTH in love with it, as you know if you’ve seen us anywhere in the past few weeks.)
…and more than psychotherapy to remove the frightening visual of a Fezzik-Sized Kim Kardashian smashing through your windshield.