IF you’re marketing designer maternity denim, why not put your model in shoes that would completely risk the life of any (off-balanced and clumsy) pregnant woman?

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IF one has to wait 10 minutes for an apparently picky request of “No Cheese”, this should not be what one should receive:


IF you’re a University that shares a state with two other Universities that have recently won Football National Championships, then by all means, hide your feelings of sports-inadequacy by acting like the Penelope, the one-upper character from SNL:

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(I’m totally going to get kicked out of the Alumni Association for that…except for the fact that I’ve never gotten around to joining.)

IF you hashtag notes to yourself, you might be a twitter addict…

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(Also, IF you’re the husband that feels the need to expose your wife’s Twitter addiction on Twitter, you also might be a Twitter addict.)

(And, as one of my friends pointed out, IF you have to write yourself a note to remember to bathe your kids, you might have a newborn.)

But back to addictions…

IF your collection of reusable cups is taller than your child, then you might be a  Zoës addict…


IF you like the thought of Taxation Without Representation, DC is, apparently, the place for you:

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IF your delivery craving of choice is tacos AND spaghetti,  then I found the take-out service for you:

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IF an adjective to describe your playground wear is not just “Cheek-Hugging” but “Cheek-Paint”, then it might be time to give up your pre-kids wardrobe.

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IF you have a special affinity toward people of the Asian descent, then why not have a bumper sticker to tell the world?


(Would that be considered "reverse discrimination??)

IF you’re a babywearin’, huntin’, or babywearin’-while-huntin’ sorta guy, I found the product for you:


They also have a gun holster attachment to go right onto your baby wrap!  And infant-safe deer pee with which to cover you and your progeny to make sure that you attract the prey!

…or not.

(By the way, for those of you who have asked which babywearing accessory I ended up getting, I actually got this same Moby (but in a slightly different print), and Noah and I are BOTH in love with it, as you know if you’ve seen us anywhere in the past few weeks.)

And finally…

IF you’re so distracted photographing this truck that you run into it, you MIGHT need more than tomato juice to rid yourself of that much aroma…Back Camera

…and more than psychotherapy to remove the frightening visual of a Fezzik-Sized Kim Kardashian smashing through your windshield.

24 thoughts on “A Collection of Ifs and a Butt.

  1. That van reminds me of the fact that we were in Atl last weekend and saw several signs and a van for “Willy’s Mexican Grille,” and it cracked me up. Willy’s? Really? It just doesn’t have the same authentic Mexican ring to it that Padre’s or Pedro’s would. ;)

  2. This is a fantastic post. I’m going to have to bookmark it and come back to it often. It gave me a much needed chuckle this morning.

    Thank you!

  3. Noah sure does look adorable next to the Zoe’s cups…they match perfectly :) Might should submit the photo to Zoe’s for some advertising!

  4. re: the UAB bumper sticker – that tagline actually came out prior to AU winning the championship. There was a big contest this summer with the best employee picture including the car magnet; they got some pretty interesting submissions. I always giggle whenever I’m out and about and see the magnet on someone’s car – I would NEVER EVER put that on mine (I do have two on the file cabinet in my office though).

  5. Those shoes would have killed me when I wasn’t carting around another person in my gut. Then again… hiking stilettos… so maybe we’re the weird ones?

    And painted on pants are NEVER okay.

  6. Oh em gee. THOSE PANTS!!!!! Some things make me wonder if people look in the mirror before leaving the house.

  7. Ooh… I can’t wait ’till some new atrocity takes over from the ‘tights as pants’ phase. Tights are *not* pants and no, I do not want to see that much detail down there!

  8. First of all, I’ll be laughing about cheek paint and Fezzik-sized Kardashians for quite some time! Secondly, isn’t the point of buying those Zoe’s cups to bring them back for cheaper refills? Why aren’t you reusing? Hmm…we might need to meet for lunch for a refresher course.

  9. Maybe that lady forgot to put on her pants (practicing for no pants subway day?)

    The key to your reusable cup problem is to put the whole stack in your car :)

    PS I nearly woke Elizabeth up with all the giggling…

  10. Girl, are you sure you are OK? That post is hilarious, but who would have ever thought of it? Especially the note to remember to bathe the kids.

  11. Those are awesome! I need to take pictures when I see funny stuff like this. I’ve never written a post it but it seems like once a week we’re like, “When did we give the girls a bath last?? They are starting to smell.” Haha, why is it so hard to remember to give them a bath??

  12. I think the phrase on the DC license plate holder is in protest of taxation without representation rather than supporting it. DC doesn’t have representation in Congress yet they pay taxes like everyone else.

  13. Tacos and spaghetti, excuse me while I throw up.

    Those painted on pants look disgusting. Are they stirrup pants? I think those holes are for her heels.

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