Rachel Callahan

Pigpen.

October 19, 2011August 23, 2014 Rachel Callahan "Deep" Thoughts by Rachel, A Day in the Life, Kids: The Experience., Parent of the Year, Survey Says. . .

I had to kill a very large spider this morning…out of my children’s bathtub.

Then, I had to dismantle his carefully constructed home, saliva-web-piece by saliva-web-piece, before I could start their bath.

This COULD be considered a sign that I don’t bathe my children often enough. Or perhaps it’s just a sign that I have the patience to wait for them to properly age before washing away their slime and grime, revealing a perfectly cured child underneath.

Which brings me to a personal observation about parenthood. There are two distinct theories on child-bathing (particularly regarding pre-independent-bathing children).

1. The Shameful. These parents tend to think of children like a fine cheese, or perhaps a nice slab of steak. They appreciate the process of ripening, knowing not to disturb the sensitive process of marination until the time is right.

However, they also are burdened by the weighty assumption that they most likely bathe their children less than other parents, which makes them feel like less wholesome caretakers. So they either a) don’t mention their bathing choices, or b) whisper about it quietly, and then find themselves overjoyed when they realize that they’re not alone.

“We bathe our kids twice a week. I know we should probably do it more often, but it’s just so hard to get around to…”

“Us too!! In fact, we’re doing good if we bathe twice a week. I think your kids always smell wonderfully – you’d really never know!”

“Oh thank you for saying so. I’ve HEARD that there are people who bathe their kids every night…but surely not!!”

“No! I hope not!! Those poor children…scrubbed until they’re raw, probably!!”

The Ashamed fall into two sub-categories:

a) The Minorly Ashamed, which are typically every-other-night bathers, and

b) The Mega Ashamed: those who bathe their children…less. But of course they would prefer for me not to say exactly how much less. Because, after all, they’re ashamed.

(I would tell you which sub-category I fall into, but I’d be mega ashamed to admit it.)

Then, there are:

2. The Clean. These are the parents that actually do, for some unknown reason, bathe their children NIGHTLY. These people, I’m sure, disdain The Ashamed with all of their soul, reckoning them to be parents straight out of The Dark Ages.

“I bet they throw their kid’s dirty diapers out into the streets, too!!”

“If they even let them WEAR diapers!!”

However, this category is much smaller than it appears, because it unfortunately also includes a third category, The Liars, who falsely claim to bathe their children nightly due to their deep shame.

I have made it my mission in life (or perhaps a random diversion) to survey the world and determine the exact percentage breakdown between these categories. So far, my studies have delighted me, as I’ve come to find that most parents actually do fall into category one….and that’s despite the fact categories two and three are mashed together by virtue of definition.

So how about it? Which category do you fall into? Are you willing to admit it?? C’mon, make me feel better about myself and the spider cohabitating bathtub.

(See? Even though I know I’m not alone, I’m still ashamed.)

The results of this survey are available here.

Dr Pepper TEN: An Investigative Report.

October 17, 2011July 21, 2020 Rachel Callahan "Deep" Thoughts by Rachel, Actually Possibly Informational, Anal Retentivity to a Fault, Investigative Report, Lose It Diet, Mystery Solved, Pop Post, Popular Posts

On our trip to Atlanta last weekend, Chris and I were introduced, via the ripe discovery grounds of a Quickie Mart, to Dr Pepper TEN.

Being an avid Diet Drink Hater up until this year, I’m still trying to discover ones that I can stomach, and possibly even enjoy. And Dr Pepper TEN was delicious – it tasted exactly like real Dr Pepper – at least to my diet-ravaged taste buds, anyway.

But I immediately found an irreconcilable problem.

You see, I’m a continuity geek.

So when I saw this diametrically opposed mathematical claim on the front of the bottle,

I was thrown into an monumental existential crisis about my newly discovered drink.

Dr Pepper is a DOCTOR!! And he can’t do simple addition?? How could this be?

This confirms my suspicions that calorie counts on foods are all ridiculously erroneous and not to be trusted.

It probably has some random calorie count of 18.65 but they didn’t want to name the drink Dr Pepper EIGHTEEN POINT SIX FIVE. The marketing department is just using calories as a manipulative ploy to sell drinks. How dare they exploit our beloved dieting tool in that manner?!?!

Now obviously, it matters not whether the calorie count is 10 or 20 or 2.5 – it’s not enough to even bother counting. But as I mentioned previously, I’m a continuity geek.

And then.

My crisis was exponentially heightened when I bought my first 12 ounce can of the aforementioned drink:

So, let’s summarize. Between two packaged products, Dr Pepper TEN has made three agonizingly conflicting claims:

1. Dr Pepper TEN has 10 calories per 8 fluid ounces,

2. Dr Pepper TEN has 20 calories per 20 fluid ounces (which would be 10 calories per 10 fluid ounces), and

3. Dr Pepper TEN has 10 calories per 12 fluid ounces.

Obviously, I could not continue live my life burdened by the weight of this illogical inequality.

So I emailed The Doctor Himself.

Here was my inquiry:

Dear Dr Pepper,

I have been highly enjoying your new Dr Pepper TEN this week. It really does taste like original Dr Pepper – something a diet-drink avoider like myself can intensely appreciate.

However, I am very confused by your product, and I always find myself having an unavoidable need to get to the bottom of a good mystery.

Here is my question:

The first Dr Pepper TEN that I got was a 20 ounce bottle. It stated that it had 10 calories per 8 ounce serving, or 20 calories a bottle.

Obviously, I was perplexed. How could this be? Where did those extra 5 calories go? Were 4 ounces of the bottle completely calorie free? And if so, which 4 ounces – top, bottom, or middle? Unless of course you shake the bottle, at which point it would be all hopelessly mixed together.

Despite my confusion, I wanted more. So then I proceeded to buy a can of Dr Pepper TEN. A 12 ounce can. Which informed me that there were 10 calories in the 12 ounce can.

Which led to more questioning. Exactly where are these 10 calories and how can there be 10 calories in 8 ounces, 10 calories in 12 ounces, and 20 calories in 20 ounces? Is there a magical system that always equates out to 10 calories? Perhaps at the end of the assembly line, there’s a squirt bottle that squirts 10 calories in every previously zero calorie drink?

At any rate, my curiosity is making my soul burn within me. Can you help me understand this troubling life issue?

And thank you, again, for coming out with such a delicious product.

Sincerely,

Rachel

Within minutes, I received the obligatory computer-generated response.

Thank you for giving a crap about our products. We will respond to what is probably your petty consumer complaint within 72 hours. Unless, of course, you found a Chinese Cockroach or Taiwanese Mouse in our product, in which case you can expect our lawyers to appear promptly at your doorstep to offer a generous amount of hush money.

(Worded slightly more subtly professional, of course.)

I considered the fact that I wrote my email at 4:30 pm on Friday afternoon, and assumed that I would probably be receiving my follow-up after those 72 hours had expired – certainly not until Monday morning.

But I was wrong. Because, apparently, the Doctor has to work on Friday nights.

Here was the Doctor’s response, all grammar left in its genuine state:

Dear Mrs. Rachel,

Thank you for contacting us about Dr Pepper TEN. Your comments and inquiries are appreciated because they provide valuable feedback about our brands.

The 10 calories come from High Fructose Corn Syrup. When it comes to counting the calories for our Dr Pepper TEN, each serving are rounded according to FDA’s rounding rules. Under 50 calories you round to the nearest 5 calories. Hence, the reason the 8 fl oz serving and the 12 fl oz serving of Dr Pepper TEN are both 10 calories is because when they are rounded to the nearest 5 calories and the result is 10 for both.

Thank you for taking the time to contact us. We hope that you will continue to purchase and enjoy our products.

Sincerely,

Consumer Relations

Rounding.

Also known as sin to an accountant.

To fully understand The Doctor’s equation, I enlisted my Engineer Husband and his four levels of Calculus and two attempts at Differential Equations (one of which was successful) to help me work this issue out.

Here is his equation, which is so thorough that perhaps The Doctor needs to send this out to future inquisitive consumers:

So for all future intents and purposes, I shall refer to this drink as “Dr Pepper POINT NINE NINE”.

Their Superpower.

October 14, 2011October 13, 2011 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, Kids: The Experience., Mystery Solved, Uncategorized

“Did you know that an average four year old asks 437 questions a day?”

I saw this factoid on Pinterest.

My immediate response was…surely not.

Yes, my kid asks a crazy amount of questions, but four hundred and thirty seven? That seems absurd… astronomical.. ridiculous… impossible.

And besides the fact that it is inconceivable to think that she would be creative enough to come up with that many questions in a 24 hour period, I unequivocally don’t have the patience to unknowingly field 437 questions a day, every day.

Surely not.

I pondered this impossibility for a few days. Which made me begin to notice how many of her sentences actually do come out in question format. And if I’m being honest, it began to irritate me a little, now that I was noticing and all.

So, to have a little fun with her intense questioning and, therefore, re-align my brain away from irritation, I set out one Monday morning with the intention of counting every single question.

Because what good is a fact without an accompanying scientific experiment to validate the data?

The following is an account of that fateful day of testing.

7:45 AM: Noah woke up before Ali. So I was in his room nursing when she woke up at 8:00.

And, since I told her one time when she was two years old not to get out of bed without me there and try as I might I’ve never been able to get her to break that rule since (she’s a card carrying color-in-the-lines-in-the-box-in-rainbow-order-only kind of kid), the day started off with sixteen repetitive questions, increasing in intensity,

1-16. “CAN I GET UP!?!?!?!!?”

until I finally finished nursing and went and told her for the sixty-eleventh time that if I don’t answer, she can just get up on her own, forgoodnesssake.

By 8:20, at which point we arrived at the breakfast table, the count was up to 37.

38. “I know what my spending and my church banks are for, but what am I saving the money in my ‘savings’ bank for again?”

For big things that you’ll need when you get older. Like a car.

“Oh. Yes. Or like if I need a really really really big box.”

Yes. That.

The questions were endless – I previously had no comprehension of the depths of her curiosity until I started this cursed counting. And still, I was so used to the continuous onslaught of interrogation that at times I would forget and quit counting, just switching into explanation overdrive. When I would remember my task for the day, I’d have to think back and try to remember the last dozen questions I’d answered so that I could estimate an accurate count.

86. “Will Pop be at Gramamma’s when I go spend the night?”

Yes, he will.

87. “Why isn’t he there sometimes?”

Well, he has to travel for work sometimes.

“Oh. JUST like Tinkerbell.”

Yes. Pop is JUST like Tinkerbell, honey.

And so our day continued, me realizing as every second passed that quite literally all I do, all day long, every day, is answer questions.

101. “Why doesn’t Lightning tee-tee?”

Huh??

102. “Lightning. You know – Lightning McQueen in Cars. Why doesn’t he ever tee-tee in the movie?”

I…don’t exactly know.

103. “Do you think it’s because he’s a car? Because cars don’t usually tee-tee. But he has a face, and things with faces DO usually tee-tee…”

Surely this was some sort of twisted psychological experiment.

159. “Why did everyone move out of the way for that ambulance?”

Because he had his siren on, which means he has a very sick person in the back that they need to deliver to the hospital.

160. “Is there one sick person in the back or two?”

Just one, I’m pretty sure.

161. “What’s wrong with him?”

I don’t know, but he’s either very sick or very hurt and needs to see a doctor right away.

“OH. I bet he has a scratch.”

By 2 PM, we were up to 226. At which point came my naptime reprieve. I rested my brain, never realizing how much I needed that rest until this Pandora’s Box Counting Experiment.

Why the heck did I think this was a good idea???

Naptime ended, and the questions instantaneously resumed. I had also previously never realized the stupefying number of questions she could get out before even taking a breath…

289-295. WhyAreTheLeavesRed? AndWhyIsn’tThisOneRed? AndWillItBeRedSoon? WhatDayWillItTurnRed? WhyIsThisOneOrange?WillThisOneStillTurnOrangeEvenThough IPickedItWhileItWasStillGreen? WhatTwoColorsCombineToMakeGreenAgain?

I finally lost count altogether when Chris arrived home. The tally, as it stood, was somewhere around 320.

And she still had two entire hours before bedtime.

…And was now ramping up her question speed to ensure full use of having two parents to respond.

I’m positive that she far exceeded 437 that day. But I won’t be counting again to make sure – it’s just not good for my mental health.

Plus, I’m not sure that I’ve yet learned to count that high.

iSchool.

October 12, 2011June 18, 2012 Rachel Callahan Actually Possibly Informational, Anal Retentivity to a Fault, Homeschooling: Not just for the socially awkward anymore., Stuff I like

Ali is infinitely more interested in learning if it’s happening on an electronic device.

(I have NO idea where she gets her geekiness.)

After seeing her excel greatly in schooling while using apps on my iPhone, we bought an iPad as an investment in our homeschooling future. Obviously, there are still many things that we do the old fashioned way, but the iPad has greatly increased her interest in learning as well as the speed of her learning curve.

Good apps, however, were not as easy to find as I had anticipated. I’ve spent weeks researching and scouring the app store in order to fully utilize our new tool.

With that being said, here are my reviews of the best apps (all available on iPhone and iPad) that I’ve found. They’re great for homeschooling, for supplementing school, or for simply for letting your kid play “edutainment” games that will teach them without them even knowing it – it’s like sneaking carrots into their cookies, virtual style.

Teach Me Kindergarten / Teach Me First Grade – these two apps are by far my all-time favorite learning tools. They have everything that makes an app great – depth of learning (it swaps up between addition, subtraction, sight words, and spelling to keep the kid’s attention and give variation in learning), increasing difficulty, rewards (it gives them coins when and only when they get the answers right, and the fun rewards cost different amounts of money so they learn to save money), a high level of parental customization and tracking, usability for multiple students, and it is entertaining. Ali played Teach me Kindergarten on my iPhone for a year, and is now doing Teach me First Grade on the iPad and still loves it. If you only download one educational app, download one of these.

Math Bingo – This is one of Ali’s favorite apps. It’s great because it’s super educational, but also extremely entertaining. You get to put “Bingo Bugs” on your bingo sheet at the right answer for math problems. You can play addition, subtraction, multiplication, division, or all four. Within the first week, Ali learned how to add double digit numbers because she wanted to play Level 3 Addition. By the third week, she learned the basics of multiplication because she wanted to play in that mode. She can either play this one alone in the lower levels or with me helping her learn in the harder levels, which makes it more interesting for her and more dynamic of a learning tool. It also has a fun game that you get to play as a reward.

Word Bingo – This is the same as Math Bingo, except with sight word recognition. It also has multiple levels and a fun reward game. It’s great also, but Math Bingo is our favorite.

Super Why – This is one of the best imagination-driven games I’ve seen – it is just like the television show, except that the kids really are getting to participate (rather than the awkward pretending to participate thing that kid’s TV shows do these days). The level of it is for very beginning readers, though, so it isn’t very challenging and doesn’t increase in difficulty. But Ali loves to play it anyway!

Bob Books #1 / Bob Books #2 – There are hardly any apps out there that focus on actually reading, and this one is about as close as it gets. The graphics are beautiful, and the words are great beginner words. HOWEVER, it’s very shallow – it starts back at the beginning every time, each page stands alone and doesn’t continue a story, and there’s no way to skip around to different pages. I don’t even know how many pages there are, because Ali always gets bored before she gets to new ones. This app has the potential to be great, but for the price ($3.99), it’s not worth it yet. Maybe check out the free version first.

Jungle Time – I was very excited when I found this app and it’s sister app, Jungle Coins, because it fills the gaps of first grade Math not covered in the Teach Me First Grade app. This one teaches how to tell time, and you can set it at varying levels of difficulty. Very cute app, but Ali got bored with it pretty quickly. I’m hoping she’ll become more interested in it later.

Jungle Coins – Ali likes this app much more. It also has varying degrees of difficulty in learning what coins are, counting coins, and making change. This is a great game for teaching something that I’ve had trouble in the past getting Ali interested in learning.

abc PocketPhonics – This game is great for practicing the basics of recognizing letter and blend sounds and writing letters. It’s very easy to use without any help, and Ali is entertained by it quite a bit. It’s not necessarily challenging, but it is good for reinforcing concepts.

Shake the States – I’ve downloaded several geography apps, but this one is by far our favorite. It’s a simple puzzle-like game (you can choose to have the outlines of the states turned on or off for difficulty), but the voice names each state as you put it on, and the graphics are great and very entertaining. After playing it just one time, Ali was easily re-familiarized with all of the states, even the tiny ones.

Stack the States – This is another fun geography app, but it’s a little too advanced for Ali, as it requires reading the questions. Also, some of the questions are pretty challenging. However, the fun of stacking the states makes it compelling for her to play, even if Mommy is having to tell her the answers to most of the questions. I do, however, tell her the name of the state that is correct and let her pick it out of the four choices– it helps her recognize their shapes.

Stack the Countries – Again, the questions require reading and are way too hard for Ali (I’ve learned quite a bit, though!), but she still loves it. And a tip with this game: the first bonus game you “earn” is a simple game of placing the countries on the correct place on the map, something I’ve been looking for in an app for ages. So I actually prefer the bonus game for Ali rather than the main game.

FreeFall Spelling – This app is just “cute” – cute graphics, cute rewards, cute music. It’s not very deep and doesn’t have increasing difficulty or more than one element of play, but it’s cute, and it will keep the attention of a kid for a while and help them practice spelling while they’re at it.

iTouch iLearn Words – This game is just okay. It’s very low-level for early readers, doesn’t have many options, has annoying voice-overs, and is pretty shallow. But Ali finds it entertaining, so it’s not all bad.

MeeGenius – This is a free book-reading app (i.e. it reads the books to you). It comes with several classic books loaded on it, and it wants you to buy more. Ali has loved the freebies, and we have not bought anymore. She lets it read and re-read these books to her over and over. It’s a great free app.

LAZ Reader Sets – I REALLY wanted these to be good, because there is a severe shortage of reading apps. But since the sets are $6.99 each, I downloaded a couple of the free single readers before buying (like A Seed Grows). And although I love that the books teach kids simple science facts while reading, the interface itself is terrible – if you touch the screen to point at a word, the page flips. It’s impossibly hard to help a kid learn to read without touching the screen!! Other than that major and most annoying flaw, these readers have great potential. Maybe just download the free singles until they fix it.

Toddler Teasers Shapes – This is an excellent first game for a small child (and free!). This was one of the first apps I ever got for Ali, and she loved it. It’s super simple and just quizzes the child on shapes, but it’s a great way to learn how to use an iPhone, and great for kids still learning their shapes. It also has a fun sticker reward system.

World Countries – This is a great geography app, having different quizzes on countries, flags, and memory match games. Even though she’s really too young for it, Ali loves it. I am disappointed that it doesn’t have an iPad version, though.

Moms With Apps – This is a free app with a great catalog of apps for kids. It’s divided up into different categories, and I found a lot of great apps via their app.

Here’s my summary grid information on and my opinion of all of the apps listed above:

What apps have you discovered? What apps are your kid’s favorites?

I added more apps in my sequel post, available here.

A Burlap Birthday.

Posted on October 11, 2011October 11, 2011 Posted by Rachel Callahan Categories A Day in the Life, The Blissfulness of Life, Uncategorized

Since discovering the rebirth of Burlap to Cashmere, Chris and I have been living on their music in anticipation of our concert experience.

On one of these particular listening occasions, I found myself alone in the car, stereo system blaring, bass turned up, knowing that my car was thumpin’ the surrounding traffic with the insanely catchy rhythms of one of my favorites on their new album, Build A Wall .

You’re welcome, traffic.

And then I remembered where I was headed.

To a Homeschool meeting.

And all of a sudden I felt like I owed the band an apology.

“Come see the amazing Burlap to Cashmere – adored by homeschool moms everywhere!!”

But you know what?? That’s what you get for disappearing for 10 years. Your teenage fan base morphs into homeschool moms. So I won’t apologize, no I won’t.

(And hey – at least I wasn’t thumpin’ a minivan.)

It was very kind of Burlap to schedule their Atlanta concert on the very night of my thirtieth birthday – it created a utopian excuse to have a night away with Chris, and to travel back in time, pretending to be seventeen again instead of focusing on my newly attained numerical definition.

Granted, the whole late-night concert thing almost crashed me back into remembering exactly how old I was, as I was checking my watch for bedtime before the opening act finished.

But finally, after taking my dentures out and hopping into my housecoat, the band appeared behind the curtain.

And then the curtain rose and the music began.

Upon the first transcending notes, everything else became inconsequential.

Johnny was just as mind-blowing of a guitar player as he had been in 1999.

Steven’s voice reached down and grabbed our guts.

The band melded together and created a masterpiece that was a thousand times more epic than that tiny music venue deserved.

As Chris said in a tweet that night, this is what music always wanted to be when it grew up.

After a minute, our trance-like state wore off, and we settled in to soak up the occasion.

Then Chris whispered, “Wow, they’re a lot older than I remember.”

I looked him up and down. “Guess who else is older.”

The entire show was one of those moments that will linger romantically in our minds for the rest of our lives. But the most magnificent of all was when they truly transported us back to 1999 and played only one song from old album.

(No, not Eileen’s Song – although Johnny told us after the show that it is usually in their set but oddly got cut, upon which Chris said that it was best since we would have probably made everyone feel awkward when we started making out, upon which Johnny said he was glad it got cut so that we didn’t conceive a third child during their show.)

(Yes, he did indeed go there.)

Anyway. The old album. They played Anybody Out There, a song that is fabulous to listen to recorded, but completely indescribable live. And it proved to be just as current and relevant as it had been a decade ago. It literally made my toes tingle.

But aside from no children being conceived and no awkward kissing moments being had, the show was absolutely meant for us.

In fact, the greatest tragedy of the whole experience was how few people got to experience the moment with us – I counted, and there were only forty people in attendance.

Forty.

This, dear internet, should not be.

If there is any justice in the world, Burlap to Cashmere will be the Simon and Garfunkel of this decade. Or perhaps the R.E.M., since there seems to be an opening for that spot all of a sudden.

At any rate, Burlap is without a doubt the most musically brilliant band that Chris and I have ever experienced, and they deserve so much more than to be in the tiny upper room of a crummy old bar playing for forty people.

We did what we could for the Burlap Economy – we bought the T-Shirts, we’ve both downloaded the album (thanks to Chris not listening to me years ago and therefore putting us on separate iTunes accounts and thereby causing us to throw duplicate money at Apple like we’re just able to copy and paste dollar bills), and Chris has this crazy notion of trying to singlehandedly get Burlap to Cashmere to play in Birmingham at Workplay, swearing up and down that the show would completely sell out.

So listen to the musical opinion of this homeschool mom: Burlap to Cashmere is SO worth your time to check out. Or just pull up next to me at a traffic light – because I share.

Disclaimer: I paid full price to go to the concert and was not in any way compensated to love Burlap to Cashmere or to blog about my love of them. We just really do adore them this much.

So We Meet At Last.

Posted on October 9, 2011October 8, 2011 Posted by Rachel Callahan Categories Blogging: the therapy., It's Tough Being a Girl, This is TONGUE IN CHEEK People - Don't take me Seriously., Utter Silliness

Why hello there, Thirty.

What’s that? Is that loathing I hear?? You already detest me? But we just met!

Ooooh…you’ve heard about all of the nasty things I’ve been saying about you.

If you thought that was bad, you should have heard all the nasty things I’ve been thinking about you.

But nevertheless, I apologize. We’re in this together now, so we might as well make up and at least try to get along.

Hey!! Stop shooting crow’s feet at me!! And is that a spider vein?? I SAID I’m sorry!!! Didn’t you know that today is my birthday?? Everyone is supposed to be nice to me on my birthday!!

Okay, okay, I know I deserve it. I’ve offended you (and probably half of my readers) with my whining about turning thirty. I’ll make it up to you, mmkay? I’ll write down all the reasons I’m thankful to be leaving my twenties and embracing you.

Ready?

REASONS I’M THANKFUL TO BE LEAVING MY TWENTIES:

…..aaaaand that’s all I’ve got.

Hey!! I felt that forehead wrinkle! Stop it already!!

It’s Like Doing Laundry With A Baby…

Posted on October 7, 2011October 7, 2011 Posted by Rachel Callahan Categories A Day in the Life, Just My Luck, Newbornities

The following is a true story. Unless there are any segments which you find to be terrible acts of parenting. In that case, those parts aren’t true.

3:29 PM: Mommy settles into laundry closet, with Baby in tow, to attempt to fold one load of laundry.

3:30: Baby picks up and eats a piece of lint, requiring Mommy to drop the clothes, root around in his mouth, and pull out remains of said lint.

3:31: Being as how the laundry closet is also the family janitorial closet, Baby finds a hard, dry sponge. Sticks corner of sponge into mouth. Responds to “no”, pulling sponge away from mouth. Then resumes resticking corner of sponge in mouth. Mommy takes it away from him, blocking from her mind what might have been dried onto that sponge at one time.

3:32: Baby picks up and eats paper that was washed and is now a different, more tasty variety of lint, requiring Mommy to drop the clothes, root around in his mouth, and pull out now even more shredded paper particles.

3:33: Baby launches attack on the Swiffer Mop. Attempts to place any and all parts of it into his mouth. Forcing Mommy to cover the base of said Swiffer Mop with towels, hopefully acting as a germ barrier.

3:34: Baby attempts to dig Swiffer out from amidst the towels. Gets leg hung awkwardly on said towels. Begins to cry for deliverance. Mommy considers leaving him – at least he’s stuck.

3:35: Baby finds the fix-your-own-toilet innards that Daddy stuffed in the closet after attempting and postponing a fixture attempt. Tastes said parts, starting with the directions, then on to the pump. Mommy takes away and attempts to hide toilet filth.

3:36: Baby finds a plastic hanger. Aaaaaahhhh – a moment’s peace.

3:37: Poke. Waaaaaah. Mommy takes hanger away from Baby.

3:38: Mommy finally stuffs Baby in an empty laundry basket.

3:38: Baby reaches over side and into another laundry basket and messes up the very few folded garments that Mommy has managed to have victory over.

3:39: Mommy gives baby a toy. Baby looks at toy, throws down. Not interesting.

3:40: Mommy decides that unfolded laundry is good enough for her. Moves Baby into other room and sits down with him to play.

3:41: Baby sits oddly still and perfectly content, not interested in playing or doing anything except taking a quiet break.

3:42: Mommy spontaneously develops a twitch.

Brought to You By The Letter X, for X-Ray.

Posted on October 6, 2011October 5, 2011 Posted by Rachel Callahan Categories A Day in the Life, Just My Luck, Kids: The Experience.

It’s only fitting that I begin this post the way my phone call to Chris started out.

“Everybody is OKAY. However…”

I blame it all on Noah.

You see, he chose to wear his X-Ray Jammies Tuesday night.

… and I didn’t realize that this was an ominous premonition on his part.

Wednesday morning.

I had high hopes of accomplishing much, as the day before, a nasty computer virus and resulting day-killing completely-unintelligible phone conversation with Mister Karthikayan (think, “Hello, thees ees Peggy!”) stole my good attitude and all of my productivity opportunities.

Noah and I went downstairs first, and I got Noah settled into his exersaucer while I started the coffeemaker and pulled out cereal bowls. I heard Ali coming down the stairs.

Then I heard Ali coming down the stairs very quickly. And loudly.

My child is neither quick nor loud. Ever.

I panicked. As I began my run toward the stairs, I heard her shock wear off, resulting in the initial scream.

Nearly five years old, and she had just taken her first fall down the stairs.

I got around the corner, and she was only halfway down, but sprawled completely out, over 5 stairs (hardwood, by the way), face down, superman style, screaming insanely.

My Mommy heart dropped through the floor.

I sprinted up the stairs and picked her up, all the while thinking that I probably should have checked to make sure nothing was broken before grabbing her up like that.

I held her. She cried out-of-control on my shoulder. I managed to not cry by repeating mumbled phrases of comfort under my breath.

(Noah, meanwhile, was laughing maniacally from the other room, just as he always does when his sister (or mother) cries. I’m choosing to believe that this is a case of mixed-up emotion comprehension, not sadistic little brotherdom.)

She finally looked up at me and I realized that we were both covered in blood.

OhNoNoNoNo….

Through her completely out-of-control screaming, I managed to inspect where the blood was and was not coming from.

Nose – Yes.

Face – No.

Mouth – thank you for holding your mouth open so widely with that ear piercing scream – thankfully, no.

Then I began to inspect her nose more closely. It looked gigantically bulbous as if she had just grown my family’s Greek Nose in five minutes. And a bit crooked.

NoNoNoNo. No more broken noses in this house!!!

She finally calmed down enough to tell me what did and did not hurt.

No arms or legs were hurting at all – just her forehead and her chin.

“Your nose doesn’t hurt?”

“No, my nose doesn’t hurt.”

That kind of worried me more… then where is all that blood coming from??

We headed straight to the doctor. No coffee, no breakfast. I began pondering the act of telling them that she had fallen down the stairs.

…which seems like the ultimate bad parent version of “The dog ate my homework” – so clichè.

I swear I’m a good parent…I swear I’m a good parent…

I asked her on the way… “How do you think you managed not to hurt your arms or legs at all? That’s pretty amazing…”

“Well, that’s because my head is hard but my arms and legs are soft.”

“Oh. True…”

We arrived and waited for our turn. I began to realize that we were being considered a same-day fit-in (Priority Number Last) rather than an emergency (Priority Number One).

…which made me ponder the fact that other families – say, ones with less anal-retentive-unbelievably-cautious children – probably have this sort of thing happen all the time. Maybe this wasn’t as much of an emergency as I feared. Maybe I just have no experience whatsoever with injuries.

calm down…calllllm down….

Ali was already calm and had completely moved on. “Nothing hurts anymore, Mommy! Look! I’m under the TV! Hey – can I climb on that shelf? Where’s my computer? They’re not going to give me a shot, are they? Why is Noah still in his jammies? And hey – you left my jammie shirt on, too!!”

The nurse came and got us.

“What happened to you?”

I immediately begin feeling the need to assure her that my child fell down the stairs and that this never happens and she’s usually so careful and…I probably sounded ridiculously suspicious in my efforts to quell any and all suspicions.

I was sure that those notes the nurse was taking were something along the lines of “parent seems overly nervous and appears to be repeating herself continuously…hmm.”

While we waited for the doctor, Ali wanted to see what she looked like. Having no mirror on my person, I took an iPhone pic and showed her.

“I look really funny!! I like it.”

“Then you’d probably also like to start watching Star Trek TNG. Ever seen a Klingon?”

The doctor came in and took a look. I consciously made the effort to quit trying to not appear suspicious.

He assured me that it looked to be completely surface injuries, but ordered an x-ray, most likely for my peace of mind.

The X-Ray tech was unusually insistent that I didn’t have to come to the x-ray room, or even wait outside the door.

After a grueling eternity and a half, Ali came back.

“How was your picture taking?”

“It was good. She took three pictures of me!! And we talked.”

“Oh really? What did you talk about?”

“I told her that I fell down the stairs. And what I was doing when I fell down the stairs.”

“What were you doing when you fell down the stairs?”

“Well, I was walking down the stairs.”

“Oh. Yes, that makes sense.”

I could almost sense the X-Ray tech’s note on my file… “Child’s story lines up with mother’s…she appears to have actually fallen down the stairs. Perhaps send the mother home with some household safety brochures.”

The X-Rays came back – there were no fractures. Everything appeared to just be some really ugly surface bruising.

I began to breathe again.

And Ali became very proud of her new look, excited to show anyone and everyone.

(The Peanut Butter mouth was not a part of the aforementioned injuries.)

And amidst all of the injury hoopla, Ali had one friend close by her side. I even heard that she got x-rayed, too. And I’m pretty sure that once you’ve worn your owner’s blood, you definitely become a real bunny.

…but I’m really dreading finding out what happens next time that Noah wears his Alien Jammies.

The Final Weigh-In.

Posted on October 4, 2011October 3, 2011 Posted by Rachel Callahan Categories Actually Possibly Informational, Anal Retentivity to a Fault, Lose It Diet

Six short months ago, two people sat on the couch.

One, a woman in her late 20s, two kids down the road, feeling antsy about how to get rid of the baby weight.

The other, a man in his mid-30s, who had been stuck in a continuously yo-yoing range of chubby to walrus since the 2nd grade [his words not hers].

She asked about Lose It, one of the tools he had used on the downhill side of the waistline roller coaster in 2009. He acknowledged its usefulness and potential for success.

Inspiration was born.

A bet was made.

Fat was in the crosshairs of competition.

The Timeline:

April: They began using the free Lose It app, set goals and started competition: She wanted to lose 20 pounds, he wanted to lose 30 pounds, all by October 1. Both would get paid per pound for their weight lost, and the winner (by percentage of weight lost) would get to choose the celebration dinner.

May: Combined weight loss of over 30 pounds – 15.2 for her, 16 for him. And she was killing him on percentages.

June: Combined weight loss of almost 40 pounds – 19.2 for her, 20.4 for him. Once they realized that they actually WOULD be able to meet their goals (something they thought was impossible), they set new goals: She wanted to weigh 130 (26 total pound loss), he wanted to weigh 180 (42 total pound loss).

August: She exceeded her new goal and weighed in at 128.6. He exceeded his original goal and lost 31 pounds.

September: She kept using Lose it, but quit losing weight. He kept losing weight, but was doubtful that he would meet his goal of 180. Their weight loss percentages became eerily close.

Leading up to October 1:

It became apparent than unless she did something drastic, he was going to beat her by the slimmest (no pun intended) of margins.

She considered forcing the baby to go on a nursing bender. But then she remembered those two new teeth. That feel like needles. And how many times those two new teeth had already punctured her. So she decided against having the baby do a boob kegstand

She considered eating an all raw vegetable diet for a week. Okay, no she didn’t.

Really, when it came down to it, she realized that she was…actually…OKAY if he won.

And, in perfect Hollywood Timing, He hit his goal of 180 on September 29, and then 179.8 on September 30, a mere 24 hours before the end of the time apportioned. She was quite impressed, actually, at how he managed to time out his six month weight loss journey to the EXACT moment of perfect drama.

But she knew she was toast.

Then Friday rolled around. She stood on her feet all day baking delectable treats for her Vault Denim party, and was so rushed all day that she didn’t have time to eat (except for tastings, of course).

So she had hope that she could pull off a miracle the next morning.

October 1: The Weigh-In.

The dust had settled. Two nerdy iPhone app dieters put down their proverbial pencils in the SAT’s of nutrition. After 6 months of broccoli instead of potatoes, coffee creamer measured in tablespoons, ground beef patties measured on a scale, and many home recipes analyzed and divided by portion, it was time for the big reveal.

There were no sob stories, no confetti, no teary-eyed hugs of Bob and Jillian, but this was it, nonetheless. Just cold hard numbers. No drama, just numbers. One winner.

They weighed in…

And then they ran downstairs to input the data into their spreadsheet.

And so it was that he won, by the most microscopic of margins.

Only 0.8 pounds, and she would have had him.

You can chalk it up to her peaking too soon and switching to a prevent defense. You can say she let him win to stroke his ego, but in any case, the celebration of their diet will occur in the near future over Bob Baumhauer’s Wings and a giant plate of cheesy fries.

The Photographical Evidence:

28.8 pounds…

41.8 pounds…

For a combined loss of 70.6 pounds.

FAQs:

Are y’all discontinuing the use of Lose It? Absolutely not. We’re so accustomed to entering in our food now that it doesn’t take hardly any time or effort, and this program has worked for us. Why would we quit? And plus, it’s free!! Chris still wants to lose some more weight, and I just want to stay on it for the accountability (and possibly lose a couple more pounds, preferably in my midsection).

Speaking of midsections, did you tone your abs like you committed to do in August? Sadly, no. I ordered Jillian’s Six Week Six Pack Video the very next week, and although the exercises were great and probably would have helped, the video was so painfully long – 30 minutes of ab workouts (!!) – and all I thought about the entire time was how much I hated exercise. So I did it for a week, then quit. I definitely still have a wiggly jiggly c-section belly. I really am going to try to find the motivation to start something again. If only there was an app for that…

What’s with the terribly shadowy “after” shots? Are you trying to hide something? No, those would be quick photos taken due to Noah attempting to eat rocks and Ali climbing on a precarious rock wall…parenthood is an impediment to good photography, and that’s just the way it is.

A Denim Miracle.

Posted on October 2, 2011February 15, 2015 Posted by Rachel Callahan Categories Can I get a copy of that recipe?, Delicious Greekness, Denim Drama, Don't Listen to my Fashion Advice, Shopping: A Girl's Best Friend

Update: Due to significant changes in the company and a terrible downward spiral in denim quality, I no longer recommend shopping through Vault Denim. I now buy all of my jeans through Nordstrom Rack’s app, HauteLook, which regularly features my favorite brands of designer jeans at half the cost. I highly recommend it! My current favorite brands are Joe’s Jeans, Genetic Denim, Hudson Jeans, Frankie B, Mother Denim, and 7 for all Mankind

So Friday night was the Vault Denim party.

Being that this was the first time I had done major party preparation with two kids underfoot, I got a bit over-ambitious in my preparations.

Also, every recipe I thought about sounded delicious, so obviously, I had no choice but to make them all.

So I spent all day long up to the very last second possible, with Ali’s help and Noah’s hindrance, making knock-offs of everyone else’s awesome treats.

I made Christen’s Soft Butter Mints…

My Mom’s twenty-years-in-the-creation-of-the-perfect-recipe Greek Tzatziki Dip…

Nikki’s Oreo Truffles (aka John MacArthurs)…

And Pinterest’s Rainbow Fruit Kebabs.

And Lydia, our party hostess, treated us with Edgar’s amazing and gigantic Petit Fours.

And then, of course, there was the main attraction.

Jeans,

Jeans,

And more jeans.

I was in heaven.

They had many of my favorite brands… 7 for All Mankind…Rock and Republic…Citizens of Humanity…and then a bunch of new brands I didn’t know but fell in love with. And they were actually, on average, less expensive than I expected!

It was almost more than I could take – it was as if the power to demolish Mom Jeans was all in one room at one time – a beautiful feeling indeed.

We had a wonderful group of women come to the party, almost none of which I actually photographed their faces.

Because I was, apparently, too busy photographing their butts.

In fact, as I lay in bed Friday night reviewing the party in my mind, I had a mini panic attack when I realized that I got no photos of the awesome Vault reps, no group photos of everyone who came to the party, and hardly any photos of people at – all except for butts.

So, it’s butts I’ll show you, I suppose.

But as I was saying, a great group. We had people that needed jean interventions, people that already had great jeans and just wanted more, and even a Mother/Daughter intervention, where Giann gave her Mom the priceless gift of helping her change her denim ways.

Look at that appreciation, mutual admiration, and overwhelming gratitude…

(And that’s the only picture of faces you’ll see in this entire post. Enjoy it while you can.)

The Vault reps, the unphotographed Kwanzaa and Simone, were amazing. They consulted with each person and helped them locate the perfect pair(s) of jeans for their body.

And they were experts at what they did. Almost everyone left with jeans, and most of us found two pair! Which, since the deals were so fabulous, was not at all overwhelming in cost.

So. I’m sure you want to see some Vault Magic now.

Several of the guests were willing to “smile” for the camera to show off their before and after rear view.

Our first victim was Subject A.

That, dear people of the internet, is stunning.

If that’s not proof of what I’ve been preaching about the right pair of jeans, I don’t know what is. For a mere $60 and a group of women to help you scrutinize your rear for the best possible fit, you too can lose 15 pounds and 10 years.

Then, there was Subject B.

Again, the shape, profile, and contours are fabulously improved.

And finally, Subject C.

…I’m pretty sure that was 20 pounds shed in a mere 15 seconds.

The next day, two of the above subjects texted me to tell me that they were now believers, and that I had been right all along about the power of designer denim. It changed their butt, it changed their life.

Okay, maybe not their life. But definitely their butt.

The party format completely exceeded my expectations. It was fun, it was interactive, we all had a fabulous time giving each other honest help in choosing the perfect pair of jeans, saved hundreds of dollars, lost hundreds of virtual pounds, and all left happy and fully denimed.

Lydia and I are already talking about throwing another Vault party, but if you’re at all interested in having a party, I highly recommend it! I’ll be glad to get you in touch with the wonderful ladies that I worked with, who can help you find out how you can throw a party no matter where you live.

Change your jeans, change your life.

Or at least your butt.

Sequel: For more before and after photos and tips for fitting jeans to different body types, click here.

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