Just Peel It.

 

Last week while we were at the beach, we went out to eat. I added a side salad to my dinner as I sometimes do. When it arrived, I went through my all-too-familiar Cycle of Salad Emotions.

CYCLE OF SALAD EMOTIONS

…The ranch looks homemade and thin…happy!

…The tomatoes aren’t completely juiceless crunchy tomato imposters…okay.

…There are no telltale carrot shreds, giving away the fact that they just poured my salad from a bag. RELIEF.

…But oh. The cucumbers. The sad, sad, cucumbers. WHY the peels?? Do they WANT to ruin my night?

…Disappointment.

…Anger.

…Resentment.

…Removal of Cucumbers out of protest. Maybe they’ll notice and realize their grave sins against humanity.

…But at least the Ranch is good.

I vocalized a bit of my inner dialogue to our friends across the table. And I was shocked. SHOCKED I say. To find out that my friends did not feel the same way.

They said that they were indifferent as to whether cucumber slices were peeled or not.

My mind screamed at them.

HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!?! HOW COULD YOU NOT CARE?? WHERE IS YOUR MORAL COMPASS?! YOU ARE PARENTING YOUNG CHILDREN AND THIS IS YOUR BELIEF SYSTEM??

My world had been shattered. Surely there weren’t really these kind of people roaming around freely. Surely they were just attempting to tear down my carefully built ideals and rip apart my soul.

It was time for another survey to restore my belief in humanity. So I asked you.

I knew you would agree with me. You would be on my side in this crucial issue. You would understand the importance of a properly peeled cucumber slice.

But instead. You were the Judas Iscariot of Salads.

Almost all one hundred and fifty of you came together and stomped on my heart.

Who Eats Unpeeled Cucumbers

How. HOW HOW HOW could 61% of you have Cucumbic Apathy?!

I understand that it is perfectly natural for 20% of the population to dislike a certain food and even that 12 of you would statistically be clinically insane.

(Seriously. Only people in padded rooms and straight jackets while singing in a monotone voice about Muskrat Love would actually prefer cucumber peels.)

But those of you who just don’t care. You were the ones who broke me.

I had no idea that apathy had escalated so rapidly in our nation. It’s one thing not to care about politics or education or world peace.

But to not care about whether your cucumber slices are naked as God intended or not?!

WHAT is WRONG with you people?

YOU ARE TO BLAME FOR THE STATE OF OUR NATIONAL SALAD.

Because nothing will ever change as long as 61% of you don’t give a peel.

And in the meantime, heinous cucumber peels will continue to worm their way between my teeth and cut into my gums like a dull razor blade while tasting like the bitter herb of betrayal.

And I will know who to blame.

One Girl at a Time.

How to Put on a Bra

My friend Katherine writes a series called Uncomfortable Truths that is positively brilliant. I love this feature so much that I might have contributed my own not-so-comfortable facts once or twice.

However.

In a recent installment, she discovered a fascinating bit of information about the way we go about restraining ourselves.

Katherine hooks her bra backwards (in the front) and upside down, then swings it around and places it where it should go. She assumed everyone else did it “correctly”, aka putting their arms through and hooking it in the back.

I am Katherine’s Normal – I put my arms through and hook in the back. I also assumed everyone did it “correctly,” aka like me.

However, it quickly became evident through the comments on the post that there are many more women in the world like Katherine than Katherine or I would have thought.

(Thereby nullifying her confession as an Uncomfortable Truth – she owes us all one extra next time.)

I had to know the stats. So I tackled the research project to find the truth in this pressing matter, using the highest of scientific methods: Facebook.

I received 146 responses and the data was shocking.

Here’s a broad overview.

Bra Graph Split

That’s right, ladies, we have been lifted and separated.

Who would have thought that we were a nation divided between those who needed to see the clasps and those who did not?

Furthermore, if you take out the one percent of Hook-In-Backers who get their husband to do the hooking, we are nearly an even split.

(Also. Whose husband is always around when they’re putting on their bras? Are they just magnetically drawn to this procedure? Do they have an app that keeps them abreast of this need? Do they linger a few extra minutes before heading to work so that they can be a part of the brocess?)

(Maybe I’m just jealous because I don’t even see my husband in the mornings. No – wait – I’m not jealous – I get to sleep in instead.)

We did, however, rack up a few jugs of outliers, as well as some specifics that must be addressed.

For instance, the number of Backwardsers were split between whether they were just backwards or backwards and upside down.

And then there were a few Hook-in-backers that hooked with it upside down, which seemed to puzzle the rest of the respondents.

(But far be it from us to be knockers of someone else’s technique.)

And although we didn’t have anyone that hooked then stepped into their bra (we all have hips that preclude such), there were people who hooked before pulling the bras over their head…and a couple that hooked at waist level then pulled it up.

Here is the complete statitstical breakdown:

Bra Graph

Now it must be noted that the decision on how to put on one’s bra is a grave and important one to make. Several respondents admitted to getting strained muscles or sprained wrists from using the wrong method, and a broken toe is not out of the question. Although many respondents said that they put on their bras “just like Mom taught”, make sure that your Mom taught you a method that will not maim your body.

I hope this has been enlightening. And please – weigh your girls in below.

Take a Turn.

This Page Not Intentionally Left Blank

Guys.

I’m tired.

Life has taken 100% of my time lately.

I know, right? So unthoughtful.

I have endless things to blog about and no time to actually sit down and write. Or when I do, Life (again!) has dismantled my brain in such a way that words will not come.

Blurg.

So today, It’s your turn to help me out.

It is officially introduce yourself and/or ask me anything day.

Pick one or the other or both.

Tell me random facts about you. Your most bizarre quirks. Or your kid’s quirks. They won’t mind.

And the questions. What have you always wanted to ask me? What do you wish I’d blog about, flesh out, revisit, or re-post?

Or better yet, do you have any fantastic stories that just need to share – either in guest post form or in interview form, like I did with one of my favorite stories last year from my friends Chuck and Lydia? Tell me more.

I’ll answer your questions next week. And hopefully get at least a few of my stories written, too.

You guys are the best.