Rachel Callahan

When Intelligence Leaks.

May 20, 2013May 19, 2013 Rachel Callahan Toddlers: The Experience, Utter Silliness

Toddler Intelligence Agency, Home Office
Security Clearance: SLEEP
CODE RED INTELLIGENCE BREACH

The Toddler Intelligence Agency (TIA) has determined that “Noah”, hereafter named “The Agent”, has allowed a serious breach in confidential agency terminology.

On the afternoon of May 15, The Agent did so use a Code Sleep Security Command (CSSC) in the presence of “Mommy”, hereafter known as “The Target”.

After running an impressive exercise battery of refusing sleep for more than two hours despite The Target’s every effort at exhausting him that morning, in a delirious stupor of half sleep, The Agent had the following conversation with The Target, which was recorded and transcribed by undercover field agents:

The Agent: “I won’t take a sleep. I won’t.”
The Target: “You have to.”
The Agent: “I won’t.”
The Target: “You have to.”
The Agent: “Why?”
The Target: “Because if you don’t, you will be sad and Mommy will be sad.”
The Agent: [Silence.]
The Target: “Take a Sleep.”

The Agent, as programmed, promptly fell asleep.

Prior to this conversation, The Target had no knowledge of the existence of CSSCs. It is apparent that she suspects there is power in the phrase, because she repeated the CSSC that evening at bedtime, and again the next day at naptime, both, of course, immediately successful.

The Target then proceeded to experiment with a more blasphemous use of the CSSC, stating it over the baby monitor.

“Take a Sleep, Noah.”

It worked.

She was even able to successfully use the CSSC during a Lunar Toddler Eclipse, which is that period of time when naptime and The Agent’s poop schedule cross orbit, creating the most effective sleep-ending action known to the TIA. The Target proceeded to get The Agent, change his diaper, and then lay him down and tell him to Take a Sleep.

And it worked.

The danger of this power in the hands of The Target can not be underscored enough.

The Target can now be heard chanting “Take a sleep. Take a sleep. Take a sleep.” under her breath at all times.

Due to this grave security leak, The Agent must be called in immediately for a reprogramming. He may also need reformatting to prevent another similar informational leak.

All means necessary are authorized to contain this breach.

Breaking Update: The Agent has been successfully reprogrammed. The CSSC is no longer functional, and the new Sleep Key has triple encryption. Refusal to Nap Maneuvers are back in full operation.

The Banker and I.

May 17, 2013May 17, 2013 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, Weird Strange and True

It was Monday afternoon. I was playing with the kids, as my job description dictates that I should. The house phone rang.

Actually that’s not quite accurate – the copy/fax machine rang – which has no handset to answer. I lost the last remaining house phone weeks ago.

So instead of getting up to answer the missing phone, I waited for the answering machine to pick up so that I could determine whether I needed to call them back, all while wondering to myself as to the possible reason that I even have a house line since the lost handset’s battery lasts all of 2.65 seconds and, as such, I never attempt to use it even when it isn’t lost.

A deep, serious voice began reverberating throughout the room.

“Hello, this is Henry from [Your] Bank. I need to speak to you about your accounts with us. Here is my direct number – please call me as soon as you have the chance.”

What the…?

I despise calls like that, as I can feel anxiety over approximately 617.5 potential crises per minute.

Has someone hacked my account? Stolen all my money? Left my checks for dead?

Did I overdraft? Make a mistake?

Did they read my blog post about their teller love notes? Are they finally calling to get my input on whether they should dot their i’s with a heart or a flower?

Are they following up to make sure that my husband got that curly-cued lovey-dove postcard in the mail from the female teller last week? Because he did. What is UP with that??

Is this about me complaining about one of their policies on Twitter a couple months ago?

Has the IRS frozen my assets? Launched an investigation?

IS THAT THE FBI DRIVING UP THE STREET RIGHT NOW???

What went wrong? WHAT DID I DO???

So I dropped my kids like last week’s sippy cup and ran to find my cell phone.

I listened to the chilling message again and hurriedly jotted down Henry’s number.

I called him back.

A kinder, perkier, female teller (who smelt of mailing postcards to other women’s husbands) answered the call – clearly Henry lied about this being his direct number.

She included the branch location in her greeting – not even a branch I visit, but it was the one my husband frequents.

(WHAT DID HE DO????)

I asked for Henry. She put me on hold. I sat waiting, feeling my heart jumping inside my ribcage as my toddler jumped in synchronization on the outside of the same poor ribs.

As I waited, I continued my rundown of every possible choose-your-own-adventure ending to this call.

This WAS the branch I complained about to their Twitter Person. I bet Henry is now calling to let me have it for tattling on his branch.

I hate confrontation. Maybe I should hang up now.

But it was too late. Henry picked up the line with his deep, rich, smoky voice.

“This is Henry.”

“Uh hi, this is Rachel. You just called me?”

“Oh yes, Rachel. Thank you for calling me back. How are you today?”

“Fine…for the moment.”

“I called to find out if you have ever considered having a personal relationship with a banker.”

I choked.

Then I lied.

“Um, I’m sorry. My phone cut out. What did you say?”

“I called to see if you wanted to have a personal relationship with me. As your banker.”

“Well, um, what exactly did you have in mind?”

”I just wanted to let you know that I am here for you and Christopher. If you ever need a line of credit, or a loan, or any money…”

“We don’t need any of that, but thank you.”

“We have some great interest rates right now if you decide that you do.”

“Thank you Henry, have a nice afternoon.”

I hung up, leaving Henry free to solicit more married women. And I sat there, stunned.

Did he really just ask me that? With those words? In that order?

Yes, yes he did.

And then I did what any red-blooded American would do: I turned to Facebook and Twitter to make sure I wasn’t overreacting.

Facebook validated me,

Twitter helped me nail down the important questions to answer,

And Twitter gave me the opportunity to identify a potential Henry.

(If ever one needed to argue the importance – nay, the vitality of Social Media in the Modern World, awkward banking situations prove it every time.)

So I finally sat down to properly answer Henry. After all, I definitely left him without a clear answer, and I’d hate for him to be sitting by the phone, plucking petals off of a Tulip while whimpering to himself, “She loves me, she loves me not…”

So here’s my response, Henry. If you’re out there.

Curry Chicken for the Faint of Heart.

May 16, 2013May 16, 2013 Rachel Callahan Actually Possibly Informational, Can I get a copy of that recipe?

Although I consider myself a somewhat adventurous eater (I’ve eaten raw octopus and liked it,) I do not like Asian food.

Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Indian, Thai, none of it for me, please. Fried Rice is about as far East as I prefer to go.

However, when I gave birth to Ali, a member of our small group, Christie, brought us Curry Chicken. It was unlike anything I had ever had, and it intrigued me greatly. It had a spice and a sweetness to it, another combo I don’t usually like – but in the dish she brought, it was delightful.

She gave me the recipe, and then I modified it to add vegetables to the dish. So this is my modified recipe for Curry Chicken, especially for those who don’t like Asian food (and perhaps for those who do.) It’s easy to make, has simple ingredients, and even my kids like it.

Ingredients:

6-8 Chicken Breasts, thinly sliced
6 tbsp. Butter
1/2 c. Mustard (yellow or spicy, your preference – I’ve tried both and they’re great)
1 c. Honey (it’s best when it comes from your Dad’s bees…but I hear that everyone’s Dad doesn’t have bees, so…)
4 tsp. Curry Powder (There are a lot of different kinds, but I use McCormick Yellow Curry Powder.)
2 tsp. Salt
1 c. Water
1 Bag of Sliced Carrots (or 4 Carrots that you slice yourself)
1 Onion, thinly sliced

What to do with those things:

1. Melt butter in a skillet, then add mustard, honey, curry and salt. Stir over medium heat until boiling, then remove from heat.

2. Roll Chicken in the mixture, then put in a baking dish. Do not pour the rest of the liquid over the chicken – it will keep plenty on its own.

3. Cover the chicken and bake at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes or until cooked through.

4. While the chicken is cooking, add 1 cup of water to the remaining mixture and bring to a boil again.

5. Add carrots and onions to the mixture, then cover and let simmer for a good while. If the carrots don’t seem to be softening, add more water.

6. Serve the chicken and carrots separately or mixed together, paired with Basmati rice. For more of a kick, add more curry at the table.

And to make it even more alluring, it’s super healthy. Before the rice, this dish has only 370 calories per serving (after 1 cup of rice, it’s a total of 575 – still not bad.)

So enjoy – and without guilt!

(And feel free to scoff at me for my lack of Asian taste buds.)

The Final Fix.

May 14, 2013May 13, 2013 Rachel Callahan Blogging: the therapy., I embarrass myself just for your amusement., Just My Luck, Kids: The Experience., Photographical Oddities

And so it came to pass that it was her time to spend 184 Days in the prison of flood recovery. She prayed three times for this thorn to be taken from her flesh, as it grieved her soul greatly. But finally, the end was at hand.

From the dark day in November when my daughter flooded her bathroom and then then went back to playing while the toilet spewed forth until the final completion of all necessary home repairs, it was taken from my life six months and three days.

The cleanup was intense, recurring, and ugly.

The last remaining step in the process was to replace the carpet in Ali’s room where the flooding had leached in brought ruin.

Replacing carpet seems significantly easier than gutting a bathroom and completely retiling and bathtubbing it, an it even seems easier than completely cordoning off the kitchen to scrape and repopcorn the ceiling, all of which had already been completed.

Except for the fact that my daughter is a hoarder. And I was Proverbs 22:6-ing it and training her up in the way she should go, which was clearly hoarding.

(Maybe I misunderstood the concept of “should.”)

So every surface of her room,

every drawer in her room,

every floorspace on her needing-replaced carpet,

was completely loaded with priceless treasures. Treasures that needed trashing before workmen showed up.

The night before The Big Dump, I prepped her and her brother.

“We’ve got a lot of work to do tomorrow. We’ve got to throw many things away, but it will be fun – because we’ll find all kinds of toys and treasures that you’ve forgotten about.”

And the next morning, she was ready to go.

We had a trash box, a donate box, and a sentimental-stick-in-the-basement box.

We started sorting, and Noah started de-sorting.

We sorted faster, and he de-sorted faster.

We exchanged hopeless looks, and distracted him with new and fun toys.

But ultimately, after two days of work, we achieved DeJunked Nirvana.

(Okay. I didn’t throw away that much, but I certainly thought about blowing up the room and starting over.)

In the process, I ran across some especially curious finds.

1. Such as, the one remaining tiny princess shoe from the Christmas of 2009.

I still want to hunt down the childless idiot doll designer at Disney and ask him what-in-Jasmine’s-name was he thinking when he designed those shoes that were so tiny not even a brain surgeon could even get them to go on those stupid doll’s feet.

2. The Treasured Target Cardboard Collection: authentic floor-droppings from Targets all around Birmingham.

(My friends always thought I was embellishing my daughter’s hoarding tendencies when would I tell them that she has a drawer dedicated to cardboard-from-the-floors-of-Target, but this photo proves it – I was not.)

3. A Corner O’ Styrofoam. Also a hugely exciting Haul from Target.

4. This guy.

I have no idea who he is, from what world he came, how he broke into my daughter’s room, or what his intentions were. But he has now passed on.

5. To prove that perhaps the mess wasn’t entirely Ali’s fault, I present to you Exhibit A: unopened baby presents circa 2007.

(I apologize to whomever gave me those precious gifts. I assure you, I treasured them. In the back of her closet.)

6. While I’m at it, I apologize to the gifters of these as well.

7. It’s bad when her room is so messy that her toys themselves start passing along veiled threats.

8. Although we found enough Legos to sell on eBay and feed the world, there was a bowl with this collection, carefully set aside:

And tucked neatly next to the bowl were these directions, front and back:

When the two were combined, this was created:

Her first set of hand-drawn Lego Instructions. My husband’s lego-built heart grew ten times that day.

9. When all was said and done, the room was cleaned out, and the carpet installers were on site, I went to move a plastic shelving unit out of her closet. The type with the shelves held together by hollow tubes.

As I picked it up and tilted it, I was showered with her final art installation: hundreds of chestnuts, molded and partially disintegrated.

When the carpet was installed and I went to move the shelves back in, somehow a second batch that had been holed up and waiting for the exact right moment to plan their escape and all came tumbling out, covering the brand. new. carpet. with chestnut dust, particles, and nuts.

She’s a special kid.

Our ultimate load included five garbage bags, a box of trash,

and a giant stack of donate items (I hope someone gets good use out of that first year frame – apologies once more to the gifter.)

We also removed the carpet from the hallway and replaced it with hardwood,

And Ali, who was surprisingly proactive about throwing away or giving away even more than I thought she would, was thrilled with her new carpet, but even more thrilled to have a purged room.

And I was just happy to be done. 184 days later.

For those of you who asked the final tally of what that one cursed toilet flush cost our family, here’s the breakdown:

State Farm originally gave us $3,680 for our troubles.

On three different occasions as the project grew and more damage revealed itself, I spent hours calling, emailing proof, nagging, negotiating, and making them wish they never agreed to insure me to get them to give me more money. I even had my wonderful carpet guy and friend George to call my insurance guy and explain why I needed more of The Farm’s cash. Due to my general pain-in-the-buttedness, State Farm sent me three more payments for a total of an extra $1,798.51.

So the total Insurance payout was $5,478.51, which does not include the nine day bill from ServPro for untold oodles of dollars, because State Farm paid them directly.

Our total repairs and upgrades (such as getting a new bath tub while the bathroom was torn out, and getting hardwood in the hallway, an area that State Farm staunchly refused to admit damage but clearly also had ruined carpet) cost $6,352.01.

(This does not include the amount that we spent to go ahead and get the outside of our house painted while we already had multiple workmen coming in and out of our house.)

(And then the amount that we’re spending to finally get sod in our front yard because the house’s new paint job really made the mud pile of a yard look significantly worse.)

So ultimately, we got:

New bathroom tile, floor and walls
A new bathtub
New carpet in one room
New hardwoods in the hallway
A kitchen ceiling paint job

for a net of $873.50. And six months and three days of construction hell.

It is not a route I recommend, but I am gravely concerned that my daughter might feel differently.

Running Out of Tradition.

May 13, 2013May 12, 2013 Rachel Callahan Photographical Oddities, Utter Silliness, Weird Strange and True

For over three decades, my Grandmother has been the cornerstone of Hallmark’s Christmas success. If they have a Ritualistic Secret Society, I’m positive that she is a charter member.

She has bought all of her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren scores of Hallmark Christmas Ornaments every year, all lovingly dated and labeled per child.

As each of us got married and started our own traditions, our multitudinous boxes of ornaments went with us. As such, many of the same ornaments that were on the tree for me and my brothers are now on the tree for my kids each season.

My Grandmother is such an integral part of Hallmark’s Business Plan that she submits her order (written by hand, of course) in the month of May.

(I bet you were wondering why this was coming up right now.)

Which means that she gets really anxious for us to peruse the Hallmark Catalog and offer suggestions as to what each member of our family unit might adore before she misses her VIP ordering deadline.

I went through this year’s catalog, and as usual, Hallmark had adorable, touching, funny, creative, and traditional ornaments.

But along with the usual mix of Christmas Mirth was also an unusually high amount of…odder ornaments.

I pondered this sudden rise of Christmas Uglaments. I mulled it over in my heart. And the only explanation I produced is that after so many decades of supplying my Grandmother (and other equally dedicated stalkers raving fans) with their Christmas Drug, they just might be running out of ideas.

So here they are, the Bottom Ten 2013 Hallmark Ornaments.

10. Depressed Frogs.

In case you ever wanted to celebrate what frogs look like after losing their Bud-Weis-Er job.

9. Awkward Icicles.

Call me weird, but something about this icicle doesn’t say icicle. It reminds me more of the spires on The Little Mermaid’s Castle.

And lucky for us, it’s the first in a series of Shady Icicles!

8. I’ve always wondered what my Guardian Angel looked like…

And now I know. Tall, dark and handsome.

And topless and muscular.

With a WWE Belt Buckle girding his loins.

7. Our Lady of Guadelupe and the questionable game of peep-eye.

…But in fairness, I did my research, and the above child is actually less creepy than others that Mrs. Guadalupe has encountered.

6. Personally, I’d be more than a bit afraid to push this one’s button around children.

As opposed to this one, which you can clearly see that I claimed. I can’t wait to push all of Milton’s buttons.

5. I am positive that Robin Williams has always wanted to be a Hallmark Ornament, even if it happens thirty years too late. Too bad this Mork looks nothing like him.

In contrast, I’m shocked that it’s taken them this long to create an Iconic (albeit hated) piece of Christmas Lore.

4. I’m pretty sure that putting this guy in the bottom of a kid’s stocking would be worse than coal.

3. Deck the halls with stabbing monsters…

Because the only thing that can make the high-tech Star Trek sound effects better would be canning them into an ornament.
2. Combining multiple facets into one ornament is an art. Mega-Sizing your combo is worthy of a Nobel Prize.

“Hey Deb!! I bet you can’t combine Madame Alexander, The Wizard of Oz, Halloween, and Christmas into one ornament.”

“Oh yeah? Watch me and melt.”

But Debra wasn’t the only one that thought there needed to be a little more ‘Ween in Christmas…

…Or are we supposed to now have a Halloween Tree?

If we are, I’m sure that Hallmark sells them.

And the King of all of 2013 Christmas…

1. Jabba needs Immodium.

Because Christmas isn’t Christmas until you hang your slimy piece of worm-ridden filth on the tree.

Parenthood 2.1

May 9, 2013November 3, 2013 Rachel Callahan Pop Post, Rachel's "Brilliant" Marketing Ideas, Toddlers: The Experience, Utter Silliness

Dear Tech Support,

I have recently upgraded my software to Boy Child 2.5. Although in general, this new version is very visually pleasing and much less taxing on The Motherboard, I have noticed some bugs and issues, and was hoping you could advise me on how to work around them since you were so helpful with version 1.0.

The most significant problem I’ve run into is in Sleep and Hibernate modes. I bought the Ultimate Premium Deluxe version of Boy Child so that these modes would run at their highest efficiency, and up until this upgrade, they have run exquisitely. However, I am now experiencing multiple episodes of the Blue Scream of Death when I try to place the program into Hibernate or Sleep mode. Do you recommend allowing it to reboot on it’s own, or should I do a hard reset? Are there any plug-ins that can be run simultaneously to solve this problem, such as Benadryl 2.5, Melatonin 4.6, or Sledge Hammer 1.8?

Secondly, I read in the system specifications that Boy Child 2.5 is designed to run congruously with Potty Training 1.0. However, every time I click on the Big Boy Potty icon, the system develops a high-pitched hum, and I have to ctrl-alt-change-the-subject to silence it. Also, the Dry Overnight script has not self-activated, and it is my understanding that Potty Training 1.0 works best when this is functioning. Do you suggest that I wait to install Potty Training 1.0 until the release of Boy Child 3.0? Because I would really love that, even though I might get scoffed in the Motherboard User Forums.

Thirdly, I am severely underwhelmed with the amount of intake apps that are compatible with this version. Chicken Crush, Angry Fries, and Bad Gummies are pretty much the only ones that launch successfully. I get an unhandled exception when I try to install Soup With Friends, and a run time error when I attempt to open iMilk, regardless of whether it’s the lite or full version.

Next, I appreciate that some functions that were previously manually performed are now built into Boy Child 2.5, such as the Hand Washing Function, The Stairs Function, the Spoon and Fork Toolbar, The Fetch Stuff Function, and a very valuable built-in safety lock to keep the Eject Function from activating during a System Clean. However, it would really be great if you could build in automatic prompts for the Dress Function, Clean Up Function, and The Wipe Nose Function (without using the Sleeve Plug-In.)

Also, it would be amazing if you could add some system defaults to prevent unnecessary actions such as licking the ground in public places (or private, for that matter), throwing things down the stairs that are loud enough to sound like a small human and therefore cause a Motherboard Power Surge, and add a fear subroutine to disable the motor skills interface right before it attempts to dive out of a shopping cart.

In addition, I am highly impressed with the significant upgrade in Boy Child 2.5’s Word Processing skills. HOWEVER. This version seems to be hacking into every other program’s database and picking up key phrases and spitting them out at the most inopportune times. Is there any way to modify the dictionary to be a read-only list of words? Also, it seems like a coding error has caused an infinite loop that continues until the data request is satisfied, which causes a stack overflow on the Family Server. Could the next version simply enter it’s request at the command prompt and then wait for a response?

Also, Boy Child 2.5 doesn’t minimize well at all. It continues to clog up the Motherboard with constant pings when other programs are running in the foreground. I have found this to happen most often when running School K.5, Cooking 5.6, and Cleaning 8.9.

I’ve been surprised that considering Boy Child 2.5 runs on an MOS (Male Operating System), the performance of the program is significantly affected by the template chosen for that day. It runs best when in the template of pajamas, firetrucks, and cars. It hates any template consisting of overalls or solid colors. It would have been nice to know this limitation on the front side when I bought my templates for the year.

But I don’t mean to just complain – I wanted to compliment you on the mobile version of Boy Child 2.5 – it is infinitely better and actually enjoyable! It used to have a significant whine anytime I tried to run it, but it now performs flawlessly, and with the added bonus of a director’s commentary on all other passing traffic. I am also thrilled with the cross-program integration between Boy Child 2.5 and Girl Child 6.5. The seamless communication between these two versions is a work of art, and has caused a significant decrease in system-wide crashes. However, I do sometimes get concerned with how well they are integrated. If I didn’t know better, I’d think the two programs were capable of conspiring against me.

But of course, that’s silly talk.

Thank you for any help you can give me on the above issues.

Sincerely,

The Motherboard.

The Outtake.

May 8, 2013May 7, 2013 Rachel Callahan 50 Restaurants in Crappy Pictures, I embarrass myself just for your amusement., I'm a Glutton for Adventure, Just My Luck, Toddlers: The Experience

Just because I have a vision, a dream, a calling even, to visit fifty new restaurants this year, does not mean that my children have the same sense of seriousness and urgency regarding this ever-important quest.

And as such, they might, in their own unintentional (or perhaps not) way, occasionally hijack the process.

One such occasion happened last week.

10. The Steel Drum Grill – So this is a small, new startup restaurant in a strip mall fairly near to me. As such, it was definitely on my list of places to try.

My neighbor Alice and I had been trying to get together for lunch for way too long, but we finally found a date that worked, and agreed that we needed to try the Steel Drum.

I arrived first with my two kids. It was quiet, having only one other table of diners. The chef, the server, and the presumed owner seemed to be the only workers needed.

With much foresight, I had instructed Ali to bring her iPad along to keep her and Noah entertained if the meal lasted longer than their collective span of patience.

But since we were about ten minutes early, I let her pull it out while we were waiting.

Ali asked if she and Noah could make a video (she’s becoming quite the vlogger), and I agreed, as long as there was no running and yelling involved (most of her movies contain Blair-Witch-Like scenes of her fleeing from monsters.)

But before they created a new piece of artistry, they decided that they needed to be inspired by their previous works of art. So she pulled up a video that she and her friend AJ had made (with much running from monsters) and she and Noah watched, laughing heartily at their cinematic brilliance.

At the very end of the video, Ali said the line “Mister Pooky Pants!!”

Because she’s six, and silly.

Noah can copy and turn a phrase faster than you can desperately attempt to take it back, and Mister Pooky Pants was a saying highly worth adopting.

So, just as the owner of the restaurant was walking over to our table to see if we needed anything or had questions about the menu, Noah started yelling with great glee and conviction,

“MISTER PIGGY PANTS!!! MISTER PIGGY PANTS!!!”

I tried my best to talk over him, quickly attempting to cover my son’s weighty accusations. But in true southern form, the owner acted as if he couldn’t understand what Noah was saying, and laughed at him anyway.

I do not think that Noah’s original intention was to connect this nice man to his new favorite catchphrase, but it happened.

And so, when the owner walked back over to give me a sample of his lovely pimento cheese, Noah checked up, saw him coming, and began proclaiming once again.

“MISTER PIGGY PANTS!!!! MISTER PIGGY PANTS!!!”

And then, when Alice arrived and the insistently welcoming proprietor walked to our table once again (much to my dread and chagrin,) it started again, Noah staring him dead in the eye.

“MISTER PIGGY PANTS!!!! MISTER PIGGY PANTS!!!”

There is no shushing a two year old on a roll. Especially when his sister laughs at his every exclamation. And, in fairness, it’s not like he understood the girthy insinuation behind his words, anyway.

“MISTER PIGGY PANTS!!!! MISTER PIGGY PANTS!!!”

Finally, Mister Piggy Pants asked, “What is he saying? It sounds like ‘Sneaky Pete’, but…I don’t think that’s it.”

I lied. “I have no idea. He’s two – he jabbers a lot.”

He chuckled uncomfortably and walked away.

I tried to eat my sandwich (which was a fantastic and fruit-filled chicken salad) as unobtrusively as I could, taking great precaution to not look like I needed ANYTHING AT ALL that would make The MPP think he should walk over and check on me.

As we were finishing our meal, I got up to refill my drink and slip out the door.

But he just had to stop by one more time.

“MISTER PIGGY PANTS!!!! MISTER PIGGY PANTS!!!”

The very nice gentleman looked at me with a suspicious and determined look in his eye, and said, “You really don’t know what he’s saying?”

Then it all came blurting out, in a panic of assurances that it wasn’t personal.

“Okay so he and his sister were watching this video right before you walked up the first time and she said Mister Pooky Pants in the video and then he took it and ran with it and turned it into Mister Piggy Pants and since you walked up at the same time I think he associated you with the video and he’ll probably totally remember it next time we come here so I’m so so so so sorry.”

Sir Pants chuckled even more uncomfortably as I stood there slowly melting through his floor and looking for a fork with which to spear my own eyeballs for punishment.

“MISTER PIGGY PANTS!!!! MISTER PIGGY PANTS!!!”

And then he simply walked away, peering down at his waistline.

50 Restaurants in Crappy Photos: Round Three.

May 7, 2013May 6, 2013 Rachel Callahan 50 Restaurants in Crappy Pictures, I Love Birmingham, The Blissfulness of Life

For a quick recap, the purpose of this series is to eat at fifty restaurants that I’ve never visited before in and around Birmingham (although I’ve been known to break my own rules.) Feel free to catch up with Round One and Round Two.

Although we usually eat local, chains aren’t against the rules, and several restaurants this week fall into the chain category, so if you’re not local, some of these restaurants may be near you, as well.

So. Let’s hop in.

7. Mooyah Burgers – This one is a chain, but it’s fairly new to Birmingham. And we love a good burger, so trying it was an easy decision.

We walked in and they had order cards much like our favorite one-location hamburger place, Riff Burgers. I love a good check-the-boxes sheet, especially when many decisions must be made. Because remembering all of the burger accessories I need while trying to order quickly at places like Five Guys is entirely too much for my tender disposition.

So we filled out our orders and handed them in, all of our work already done.

I liked the look of the assembly line and grill – much less greasy than Five Guys appears, if you can for a moment suspend reality and assume that a hamburger could come in quantities of “less greasy.” They also offer sliced avocado as an option, which gives them the automatic status of winning.

And the kids. Mooyah has a wall-sized chalkboard to entertain the kids, IN ADDITION TO multiple coloring sheets.

They know how to lure parents in and keep them coming back.

The food was great. I especially like their sweet potato fries – they’re crispy-not-crunchy and soft and slightly sweet. The hamburger lived up to the cleanliness of the grill and was less…let’s call it “juicy”…than I prefer, but my inner thighs thanked it.

They also have shakes that looked pretty phenomenal, but the big cup of fries was really enough for me to stomach without guilt.

However…

[BONUS TIP]

Mooyah is at the Colonnade on 280, and the best little summertime secret is just around the corner in Cahaba Heights: Doodles. They have the most fantastic sorbets and italian ices in dozens of flavors,

in addition to a huge field for kids to run off their sorbet-fueled energy, AND the new addition of a climb-on fire truck.

There are not enough words in the human language with which I could reiterate the joy that this fire truck brings to my son’s heart.

(And a Peach Sorbet has to be less calories than Mooyah’s milkshake with M & M add-ins, right??)

We have been back twice, so clearly, Mooyah is a keeper on our list.

8. Moe’s Original Barbeque – I’m a bit embarrassed about the fact that I proclaim to be a somewhat foodie but have done a severely poor job of exploring the vast amount of barbeque options in Birmingham.

Guys. I have never even been to Dreamland.

Granted, I don’t like ribs and I don’t like messes and I don’t like white bread, so I have just cause. But still.

Anyway, we’d been hearing about how great Moe’s was for a while, so we finally went with some friends, and then back again a few weeks later.

Their pulled pork made me very happy, because if I’m going to eat barbeque, I want it to be tender, not at all crusty, and it better not be chewy. I forgot to order “all inside meat” at Moe’s, but it was anyway – beautiful, so soft, and it had a deep, smoky taste.

Chris tried their wings, and he also approved. He said they tasted both smoked and fried.

The kids were a bit unhappy because Moe’s doesn’t offer fries, and one cannot eat chicken without fries, and my children eat nothing but chicken and fries when we go out to eat, so their meal was ruined.

9. El Barrio – We teamed up for a date night with Lora Lynn and Andrew, who are in that beautiful category of people “friends in real life that we would have never met had it not been for the internet.”

None of us had ever been there before, so we were unaware that we would have to wait a while to get a “private table” – El Barrio has quite a number of family-style tables, where you get to know strangers as you eat.

But the four of us had come to visit with each other, so we waited.

(And after all, no kids were present, so waiting was a glorious basking in leisure-without-the-consequences-of-child-boredom.)

We ordered a trio of appetizers to get a feel for the restaurant: guacamole, salsa, and queso.

I’m a guacamole girl, so I hung out there. But the consensus was that all three were quite pleasurable.

I ordered the fish tacos, which came out deconstucted so that I could make my masterpieces exactly how I wanted them. Yes, my fish looks like Gorton’s Fish Sticks. No, it didn’t taste like that at all. I loved their sauce, their rice and corn mixture, and the fact that they were thoughtful enough to give me more guacamole.

Then, because we’re all internet people and understand the need for documentation, we passed my phone around the table for everyone to photograph their food.

Problem is, this all happened a few weeks ago. And I was busy visiting. And I have no recollection of what everyone got.

Hey look! Chris got some mexican looking dishes.

And Andrew got a gigantic mouth-unhinging sandwich of some sort!

Lora Lynn got a pretty salad!

So despite the fact that this is the most unhelpful and undetailed review of El Barrio ever, we all enjoyed our meal greatly and the company of each other even more, so I’ll say that El Barrio was a win.

[One More Bonus Tip]

I don’t feel like it’s right to review Mooyah, without paying homage to the best burgers I’ve ever had, especially since we just discovered them this year: Mugshots Grill and Bar. Yet another chain restaurant, they are doing something seriously right.

Or several somethings.

For instance, their freshly made sourdough hamburger buns.

They are indescribable. Seriously.

And the burgers are excellent too, with the added bonus of all sorts of inventive toppings, including peanut butter?!?

But I stick with mushrooms and Swiss.

To wrap things up, on Week Three of 50 Restaurants, the winner is officially Mooyah, with an honorable mention to Mugshots.

So go get a burger this week, wherever you are.

How Amazon Turned You into Their Sales Force.

May 5, 2013January 6, 2014 Rachel Callahan "Deep" Thoughts by Rachel, Actually Possibly Informational, Investigative Report, Mystery Solved

I am not an Amazon hater. They bring me the things I need to my doorstep and keep me from having to haul two small children into the store.

I’m also not one to jump on the bandwagon of Facebook privacy complaints. Thanks to five years of blogging, I’ve long since come to terms with the lack of internet privacy, and have reconciled myself with The Core Internet Truth: Anything you post can and will be used against you. And it will NEVER EVER truly go away.

You put it on here, it’ll be seen. And you can’t control the who, what, when, where, and why.

With that being said, though, I’ve recently noticed an odd, relatively new behavior on Facebook.

You know all of those bizarre products on Amazon that have the humorous fake reviews? The Banana Slicer, the Women’s Pens, the Duplo TSA Security Checkpoint…

They started getting shared a lot on Facebook.

This wasn’t strange – at first I assumed that it was just the next trend of Facebook sharing. And at least they were more creative than the zagillion eCards that have been in my feed for the past few years, so I was cool with it.

But then I started to notice something. The very same status about a product would show up in my feed multiple times over multiple weeks, regardless of whether I was mentioned in the status.

And even though it would be the fifth time I had seen a specific status, the time of posting was always “Just Now” or, in the case of the one below, “4 minutes ago.”

The likes and comments on this one give away the false timestamp: the possibility of something having 2 likes and 14 comments in four minutes is unlikely, especially since most people would first click through the link, read it, then come back and like or comment.

So I started looking more closely at these repeats in my timeline, and I realized that they all had something in common:

They were all sponsored, which means that someone paid to have these actual, genuine statuses by real people show up in more people’s feeds, as if they were advertisements.

But who sponsored them?

I assumed that the odds were low that three different friends paid real money to have these specific posts be seen by more people, so surely it was not them.

But who did it?

You can’t just go around sponsoring other people’s statuses – I did some investigation to see. An individual can only sponsor their own statuses, and a fan page or business page can only sponsor their own statuses. At least from the Facebook website.

I did further experimentation to see what options and visibility that I, as a Fan Page, have. I cannot see the walls of people who “like” my page, nor can I see their posts mentioning my page or sharing my links, and I certainly can’t sponsor their statuses.

So although this isn’t a publically available option, the only logical conclusion is that the secret sponsor is Amazon (a fact which David Griner at AdFreak confirmed a few months ago.)

And since they can’t do it from Facebook proper, clearly Amazon has made a behind the scenes special deal with Facebook that goes something like this…

Dear Facebook,

You have access to, like, EVERYONE. And you know what everyone is talking about, regardless of their privacy settings. So do you think you could, like, hook me up, and anytime someone links to me, go ahead and sponsor that post? I promise – I’m good for the money.

Although Facebook has been doing shady advertising techniques for years (such as Sponsored Ads when you try to search for your long-lost 2nd grade best friend, your page likes becoming ads to try and entice your friends to like the same things (“Well gosh darn it, if Cindy Lou likes Wal-Mart, I guess I should, too!”), and discovering that you involuntarily liked a corporate page, perhaps even after your death), I haven’t really gotten on the bandwagon of hating on them for doing it.

Because after all, Facebook is providing us all the invaluable service of making it easy for us to become victims of our distant friend’s daily political rants, see more cat memes than the total population of cats in the United States, and live in a pool of everyone’s vague angst.

They deserve to make money for high quality internet such as that.

But this new option brings up some important questions that I think are worth discussing.

~ If corporations can pay Facebook to sponsor our personal statuses and shares, what are the potential awkward situations that this could cause?

For instance, if they could sponsor key words in addition to links, and I happen to have an Aunt named Jemima who dies, would I all of a sudden find my status about my Aunt Jemima’s funeral arrangements sponsored for weeks after she was in the ground?

~ Are corporations getting to pick and choose which links they sponsor, or are they also inadvertently sponsoring negative rants about their products? This, at least, could be fun.

~ How do we as consumers feel about a corporation using our personal statuses to promote themselves to all of our friends and friends of friends without our permission or knowledge?

~ Speaking of which, are our privacy settings considered in this action? If we don’t want our posts available to friends of friends, can Amazon come in and sponsor our post to be seen by friends of friends anyway?

~ And since individuals can now sponsor their own personal posts (I suppose if you’re REALLY desperate for someone to see your vague angst multiple times over multiple weeks,) do our friends assume that it was actually we ourselves that sponsored these Secretly-Corporately-Sponsored posts?

~ If multiple parties can sponsor an individual’s post, shouldn’t Facebook add more specific information, such as “Sponsored by Amazon” or “Sponsored by Rachel”?

~ Should Facebook notify us that some third party paid them to have our status sponsored, and also give us the right to opt-out?

~ And, perhaps less importantly, are all of those amusing product reviews actually just a creative PR stunt by Amazon to get people onto their site? Probably not, but one must wonder…

So many questions, so few living, breathing, reachable people at Facebook or Amazon that could or would answer them.

What do you think?

My Head on a Platter.

May 3, 2013May 2, 2013 Rachel Callahan "Deep" Thoughts by Rachel, A Day in the Life, Anal Retentivity to a Fault, Kids: The Experience., The Cartoon Age, Utter Silliness

Keep Calm and Speak British.

Ali has an iPad Atlas that is quite fabulous. She regularly turns the globe, scours the world and learns all sorts of cultural nuances.

And to make it all the more fabulous, it speaks in a British Accent.

Which is great and well and just peachy – except in the case of words that Ali has only ever heard on her atlas. And there’s no fixing what’s done – she learned the word that way and her Atlas says it’s correct and there’s no way that she’s going to believe me that it should be pronounced otherwise.

For instance, geysers.

We’re in Alabama. Talk of geysers doesn’t come up much. Therefore, Ali pronounces “geyser” the way the voice on her iPad taught her.

“Hey mom – can we go out west and see a geezer sometime? That would be really fun. I’ve always wanted to see a real live geezer!”

But geezers are nothing compared to a certain night sky phenomenon that the Atlas taught her about.

So, I can be driving down the road, thinking about mundane happenings and tasks to be done, when Ali will interrupt to ask,

“Hey Mom! Don’t you love how beautiful an Aurora Boreanus is? Have YOU ever seen an Aurora Boreanus? I definitely want to see an Aurora Boreanus one day!!!”

“Honey, it’s BoreALIS.”

“No, my Atlas says it’s Aurora BoreANUS. It DEFINITELY says BoreANUS. Hey Noah – can you say ‘Boreanus??”

“Bowee…ANUS!”

“Good job!! Now say ‘Aurora…Boreanus.”

“Awowa…Boooweanus.”

And all I can think about are huge, colorful swaths of hemorrhoids.

Sunday Morning Poetry.

I asked Chris to set my alarm for seven-thirty,
But I awoke at eight-thirty.
I swore he didn’t, he swore he did.
The blame was at a standstill,
Until my alarm went off at seven-thirty…
That evening.

I Don’t Think That Word Means What you Think it Means.

People Magazine is gearing up for their annual extravaganza of proclaiming the identity of the World’s Most Beautiful People. They have a “Special Double Issue” just to lead up to the actual complete listing.

And this is an award that irks my number-crunching brain oh-so-greatly every single year.

Because without fail, there is a severe case of unfair representation in those whom People Magazine deems as the most beautiful people in the world.

Let’s do the math. And just for a moment, so our numbers aren’t astronomically small, let’s assume that People is exaggerating it’s use of “World” like baseball does in “World Series” and let’s just talk about the United States.

There are 165,000 members in the Screen Actor’s Guild.

There are 313,900,000 people in the United States.

.0526% of the population are actors and actresses, yet People’s list is made up almost exclusively from this category. Every year.

Sure, there will be a singer thrown in here, an Oprah thrown in there, but by and large, well – see for yourself. Here is the list of the #1 Most Beautiful Person each year since they started keeping track:

And, because I just know you’re waiting for one of my pie charts…

What about the random girl in Bug Tussle Oklahoma who happens to be more beautiful than Meg Ryan? Or the ravishing lady in Thief River Falls Minnesota that is way prettier than Michelle Pfeiffer who won TWICE, if you didn’t notice?

And then if we take the Magazine’s use of “World” literally, then their double-triple-ten-thousand-page special edition really is just a large pile of donkey dung.

Contrary to People Magazine’s assumptions, not all of the prettiest people chose to make a trek to Hollywood. So either call it “Most Beautiful Celebrities” or turn it into an American-Idolesque Reality Show. But let’s not lie about it anymore, mmmkay, People Magazine?

(But if you do turn it into a reality show, please don’t film the shocked and horrified ugly people that got turned down at the auditions. Crying, cussing, and shooting birds at the camera makes one ugly enough when one is pretty – no need to pile on.)

Vocal Confusion.

The timing of puberty in trains puzzles me.

Thomas, despite his designation as the number one train, has clearly not hit it yet. His high-pitched annoying squeak of a voice could be carbon-dated to no older than 10.35 years old.

His friend Percy is even further from it, sounding like a six year old boy that weighs less than forty pounds.

Yet James, the immature and vain train, has definitely hit adolescence and received his proud, deep voice.

Gordon, rightfully so, is also post-pubescent. After all, he’s a grouch.

Then you have Toby, one of the oldest and most antiquated trains on the Island of Sodor, but yet he still has the voice of a village lad.

We need an episode to explain this.

Something like, “Thomas the Train asks, What is Happening to my Body?”

And since Thomas and Friends was created in the same country as the good people that brought my family the Aurora Boreanus, it’s sure to be a hit.