For over three decades, my Grandmother has been the cornerstone of Hallmark’s Christmas success. If they have a Ritualistic Secret Society, I’m positive that she is a charter member.

She has bought all of her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren scores of Hallmark Christmas Ornaments every year, all lovingly dated and labeled per child.

As each of us got married and started our own traditions, our multitudinous boxes of ornaments went with us. As such, many of the same ornaments that were on the tree for me and my brothers are now on the tree for my kids each season.

Christmas Hallmark

My Grandmother is such an integral part of Hallmark’s Business Plan that she submits her order (written by hand, of course) in the month of May.

(I bet you were wondering why this was coming up right now.)

Which means that she gets really anxious for us to peruse the Hallmark Catalog and offer suggestions as to what each member of our family unit might adore before she misses her VIP ordering deadline.

I went through this year’s catalog, and as usual, Hallmark had adorable, touching, funny, creative, and traditional ornaments.

But along with the usual mix of Christmas Mirth was also an unusually high amount of…odder ornaments.

I pondered this sudden rise of Christmas Uglaments. I mulled it over in my heart. And the only explanation I produced is that after so many decades of supplying my Grandmother (and other equally dedicated stalkers raving fans) with their Christmas Drug, they just might be running out of ideas.

So here they are, the Bottom Ten 2013 Hallmark Ornaments.

10. Depressed Frogs.


In case you ever wanted to celebrate what frogs look like after losing their Bud-Weis-Er job.

9. Awkward Icicles.


Call me weird, but something about this icicle doesn’t say icicle. It reminds me more of the spires on The Little Mermaid’s Castle.

And lucky for us, it’s the first in a series of Shady Icicles!

8. I’ve always wondered what my Guardian Angel looked like…


And now I know. Tall, dark and handsome.

And topless and muscular.

With a WWE Belt Buckle girding his loins.

7. Our Lady of Guadelupe and the questionable game of peep-eye.


…But in fairness, I did my research, and the above child is actually less creepy than others that Mrs. Guadalupe has encountered.

Lady of Guadalupe
6. Personally, I’d be more than a bit afraid to push this one’s button around children.

As opposed to this one, which you can clearly see that I claimed. I can’t wait to push all of Milton’s buttons.

5. I am positive that Robin Williams has always wanted to be a Hallmark Ornament, even if it happens thirty years too late. Too bad this Mork looks nothing like him.

In contrast, I’m shocked that it’s taken them this long to create an Iconic (albeit hated) piece of Christmas Lore.

4. I’m pretty sure that putting this guy in the bottom of a kid’s stocking would be worse than coal.

3. Deck the halls with stabbing monsters…


Because the only thing that can make the high-tech Star Trek sound effects better would be canning them into an ornament.
2. Combining multiple facets into one ornament is an art. Mega-Sizing your combo is worthy of a Nobel Prize.


“Hey Deb!! I bet you can’t combine Madame Alexander, The Wizard of Oz, Halloween, and Christmas into one ornament.”

“Oh yeah? Watch me and melt.”

But Debra wasn’t the only one that thought there needed to be a little more ‘Ween in Christmas…


…Or are we supposed to now have a Halloween Tree?

If we are, I’m sure that Hallmark sells them.

And the King of all of 2013 Christmas…

1. Jabba needs Immodium.


Because Christmas isn’t Christmas until you hang your slimy piece of worm-ridden filth on the tree.

19 thoughts on “Running Out of Tradition.

  1. Those ornaments are truly frightening, although possibly not as frightening as the concept of buying Christmas ornaments in May! (That’s organized!)

    Do you have multiple trees? Wondering how you have room for all your annual ornaments. Somehow our tree filled up the second year we were married, killing any idea I had of getting annual ornaments for my kids. Or do you rotate?

  2. Hahaha this is awesome. I’m a little sad that my grandma isn’t one of those grandmas that keep Hallmark alive…although she does keep the Avon lady in business! By the way, you and your daughter looks so much alike!!

  3. Oh my goodness, my geek of a husband would FLIP if I got him the MIlton one for Christmas this year! Office Space is a huge thing for us. :-)

    Our parents both did the ornament at every Christmas tradition so we have quite the tree-full. And now we do it for our own children. There’s a darling little Christmas shop in the old part of town we go and get our ornaments at. One for each of the boys, and a family ornament. And they always have someone with perfect handwriting and a fine-tip Sharpie to personalize them. :-)

    1. I LOVE the “family” ornaments – the ones made out of clay that you put everyone’s name on a figure? I get one of those every year.

  4. Wow, those ornaments are scary! The Jabba is especially disgusting. :/ that’s great that your grandma does that though! Fun tradition. I didn’t even know they had an ornament catalog! I bought little Christmas trees to put in the girls rooms next year since they had so much fun this year. We’ll see if the just break all the ornaments. :)

  5. I stared at that first picture to be sure that girl in blue was not Ali. The likeness is amazing. I would like to hear the frogs singing. The others are horrible. Glad I stopped collecting.

  6. This is hilarious. I never even realized (or thought about it, really) that Hallmark put out a catalog for these. I suppose I just thought there was a mad rush descending on Hallmark and Kohl’s stores everywhere the day after Thanksgiving. (Or Halloween; however early they get set out in retailers.) And then I thought Phase 2 was tracking them down at a premium on eBay. A catalog?! Brilliant. :)

    1. Yes, my poor little Grandmother would surely get trampled if she bought ornaments at the same time as the peons. That just couldn’t happen.

    2. Someone tallied the cost of all ornaments shown in Hallmark 2013 Dream Book-just over $5,000.00! I purchased 20 last weekend and will purchase 8 more in October. Of these, 4 are for me. The rest are gifts, including 10 for my 16 year old son.

  7. Hallmark also has a catalog app for your iPad, you can even hear the frogs sing.

    My husband has Hallmark Star Wars ornaments, and I am so thankful that he no longer collects, especially after seeing that Jabba ornament . I thought having Chewbacca hanging on your tree was bad enough.

    1. Oh my goodness! I will HAVE to download this app and show it to my Grandmother next Sunday at lunch. She will be so amazed she might consider getting an iPad. Or not.

  8. This post made me laugh out loud! Both my grandma and my husband’s grandma have been buying up Hallmark ornaments for us our whole lives…we have so many. I’m kind of sad that there were this many different options and all I got were Barbies and traditional Christmas themed ornaments…

  9. I agree with your top/bottom nine, but I love the frog ornament. Buying Hallmark ornaments for the kids and grandkids is a tradition at our house too.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *