For over three decades, my Grandmother has been the cornerstone of Hallmark’s Christmas success. If they have a Ritualistic Secret Society, I’m positive that she is a charter member.
She has bought all of her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren scores of Hallmark Christmas Ornaments every year, all lovingly dated and labeled per child.
As each of us got married and started our own traditions, our multitudinous boxes of ornaments went with us. As such, many of the same ornaments that were on the tree for me and my brothers are now on the tree for my kids each season.
My Grandmother is such an integral part of Hallmark’s Business Plan that she submits her order (written by hand, of course) in the month of May.
(I bet you were wondering why this was coming up right now.)
Which means that she gets really anxious for us to peruse the Hallmark Catalog and offer suggestions as to what each member of our family unit might adore before she misses her VIP ordering deadline.
I went through this year’s catalog, and as usual, Hallmark had adorable, touching, funny, creative, and traditional ornaments.
But along with the usual mix of Christmas Mirth was also an unusually high amount of…odder ornaments.
I pondered this sudden rise of Christmas Uglaments. I mulled it over in my heart. And the only explanation I produced is that after so many decades of supplying my Grandmother (and other equally dedicated stalkers raving fans) with their Christmas Drug, they just might be running out of ideas.
So here they are, the Bottom Ten 2013 Hallmark Ornaments.
10. Depressed Frogs.
In case you ever wanted to celebrate what frogs look like after losing their Bud-Weis-Er job.
9. Awkward Icicles.
Call me weird, but something about this icicle doesn’t say icicle. It reminds me more of the spires on The Little Mermaid’s Castle.
And lucky for us, it’s the first in a series of Shady Icicles!
8. I’ve always wondered what my Guardian Angel looked like…
And now I know. Tall, dark and handsome.
And topless and muscular.
With a WWE Belt Buckle girding his loins.
7. Our Lady of Guadelupe and the questionable game of peep-eye.
…But in fairness, I did my research, and the above child is actually less creepy than others that Mrs. Guadalupe has encountered.
In contrast, I’m shocked that it’s taken them this long to create an Iconic (albeit hated) piece of Christmas Lore.
Because the only thing that can make the high-tech Star Trek sound effects better would be canning them into an ornament.
2. Combining multiple facets into one ornament is an art. Mega-Sizing your combo is worthy of a Nobel Prize.
“Hey Deb!! I bet you can’t combine Madame Alexander, The Wizard of Oz, Halloween, and Christmas into one ornament.”
“Oh yeah? Watch me and melt.”
But Debra wasn’t the only one that thought there needed to be a little more ‘Ween in Christmas…
…Or are we supposed to now have a Halloween Tree?
If we are, I’m sure that Hallmark sells them.
And the King of all of 2013 Christmas…
1. Jabba needs Immodium.
Because Christmas isn’t Christmas until you hang your slimy piece of worm-ridden filth on the tree.