Rachel Callahan

What’s That Sound, Volume Two

September 26, 2013September 25, 2013 Rachel Callahan Toddlers: The Experience, What's That Sound

What’s That Sound is a series of my second child’s most recent quotes. (And no, this isn’t unfair to my first child – she got her own series.) It’s the most Mommy-Bloggified thing I do, but how else am I going to remember?

One morning at breakfast, it went down like this…

“Thank you Jesus for our food….Wait. That didn’t work – let’s try again. Thank you Jesus for our food….Okay – that prayer worked.”

Me, to the children: “C’mon guys! Let’s read!”

Noah, sounding amazed and stunned with wonder, “You will read even to ME???”

Coming out of the grocery store, I picked up Noah and my one grocery bag and headed to the car.

“Do you need any help, Mommy?”

“I’m good, thanks!”

“Okay!”

I thought I should encourage his gentlemanliness, so I added, “Do you want to carry my bag?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I’m little.”

“Who made you so little?”

“The Man. The Man made me little.”

Noah kept repeating over and over, “The gun shooted the Rowing Barrow and hurt me at Gramamma’s. It was really super loud.”

I didn’t think he got shot at my parent’s house, but I finally called my Mom to figure out what happened. What he actually meant was that he fell while pushing the wheelbarrow, which coincided with the neighbors shooting their guns for target practice. Which was indeed really super loud.

“Argue argue. Let’s argue, Mommy!”

“What?”

“Can we argue?”

“What about?”

“I don’t know.”

At his first bite of dinner, Noah said, “Mmmmm…well done, Mommy.”

He dropped a strawberry and yelled out, “That’s ridiculous!!”

When we last visited Chris’ Aunt Kitty and Uncle Leo at the beach, Noah was fascinated with her candles. Anytime they were lit, he insisted “Blow it out!”, and anytime they weren’t lit, he insisted, “Blow it in!!”

Noah was admiring the full moon one week. The next week, he noticed it’s waning state and yelled, “The Moon!! It broked!!!”

I was trying to see if toddlers were impervious to tongue twisters. So I said, “Say, ‘Cindy sells seashells by the seashore.’”

“I’m not going to say it.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t…understand…the words.”

Heard from he back seat of the car…

Ali: “Do you love Jesus?”

Noah: “I love chicken.”

Ali noticed the Waffle House and asked to go there for her birthday. I wrinkled my nose and said, “Yuck!”

Ali: “What?”

Me: “I don’t like the Waffle House.”

Noah: “Well, Daddy sure does.”

Noah was pitching a fit and I warned him that he needed to stop crying or he’d have consequences. He stopped, blinked twice, then yelled, “I’ve got water in my eyes!!!” and started crying again.

Heard from Noah to Ali in other room… “I don’t wanna poop, Ali. It’s too yucky.”

Ali: “We’re going to Sunday School! Are you going to play with Charlotte?”

Noah: “No, she’s out of town.”

(Apparently they’ve been texting?)

That night, at bedtime,

Chris: “What was your favorite part of the day?”

Noah: “Sunday School, because Charlotte was there.”

Chris: “Did y’all play?”

Noah: “Yes, but she didn’t have her bow.”

Chris: “Does she usually wear a bow?”

Noah: “Yes.”

Chris: “Is it pretty?”

Noah: “Ummm…”

Chris: “Is it pretty when it’s on her head?”

Noah: “Yes!”

He likes big bows and he cannot lie…and is apparently a hair man like his father.

While peeing in his diaper, Noah yelled, “I’m melting!!”

The Lullabies of Our Life.

September 25, 2013September 24, 2013 Rachel Callahan "Deep" Thoughts by Rachel, Musically Speaking, Parent of the Year, Rachel's "Brilliant" Marketing Ideas

So I’ve mentioned once or twice that we prefer a more eclectic selection of pre-bed singing to Noah.

(And formerly to Ali, but she’s way too mature for such a thing now.)

Because you can only sing their requests of “Dora Dora Dora the Explorer” so many days in a row before you start to crave some actual lyrics. And even the more thoughtful ones, “Thomas and his Friends” and “Hey Hey Hey Have a Henry Hugglemonster Day” can really ruin a naptime for Mommy if they get stuck in her head.

(Perhaps this is all more of a reflection that our kids need to be exposed to more real children’s music and less cartoon theme songs, but that’s an argument for another day.)

(And I’ve fought long and hard for car radio control and am not ready to relinquish my grip again.)

Anyway.

So Chris’ lineup usually includes The Eagles, James Taylor, The Lion Sleeps Tonight, and perhaps a “Yay Alabama” fight song thrown in for good measure. Mine is a little more variant, including selections from REM, Gotye, Kanye West, Michael W Smith, TLC, The Lone Bellow, The Presidents of the United States of America, the ever-present yet reluctant rendition of Thomas and His Friends, and The Cranberries.

What can I say? I believe in diversification.

But then. One blessed night, we struck gold and discovered my favorite lullaby of all time. Chris sang the first line, and I recognized its perfection – the belting-out quality of the tune, its cheery-depressionistic attitude, and lyrics that every child and parent needed to hear at bedtime or naptime. So I finished rewriting the important parts, and have since rocked Noah with it every sleep since. You might recognize it – it’s a slightly modified version of everyone’s favorite Christmas song to hate.

And one day, when we create “Parentz Bop,” this will be on it, along with Ironic, With Children.

Here’s the naptime rendition…

So this is Naptime
And what have you done
Another day over
And a new fight just begun
And so this is Naptime
I hope I have fun
The near and the dear one
Cause naptime’s for moms.

A very merry Naptime
And a happy dream too,
Let’s hope it’s a good one,
Without any poo.

Morn is over,
Morn is over,
Morn is over,
Go to sleep…

A very merry Naptime
And a happy dream too,
Let’s hope it’s a good one,
Without any poo.

You must sing it at your loudest to understand how unbelievably therapeutic it is – I’ll wait here.

Now that you’re finished with that, it’s your turn. What do/did/will you sing to your kids? Songs, Artists, or Genres – you pick how specific you want to be. Admit it to the world – and if enough of you participate, perhaps we’ll have data aplenty for an official study and a pretty pie graph. And you know how happy that would make me.

A Peek Into Our Schoolhouse.

September 23, 2013September 23, 2013 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, Anal Retentivity to a Fault, Homeschooling: Not just for the socially awkward anymore., Kids: The Experience.

We have now completed four weeks of first grade. Which is like, nothing. But for whatever reason, it makes all the difference.

That’s the strange thing about homeschooling – you really have no idea how the family dynamics will work each year until you actually start, then at least you know what you’re dealing with. Also, no matter how much you plan and read and scour and ask for advice, you simply cannot predict what books you and your kid will love and hate.

So here’s what we’ve learned in our first four weeks.

Rewards (or bribery, as it’s known to many) are everything. Being able to visualize your rewards with perfect princesses gazing proudly up at you – even better.

After forgetting this necessity from last year and hurriedly throwing together the ugliest rewards sheet ever, I started week two with the above laminated fancy sheet.

(By the way. Have I mentioned how bewitched I am with my laminator? Because there’s nothing quite like the pleasure brought forth from the consummation of plasticizing something.)

(Feel free to come over if you need anything plasticized. Bring your important papers, your gun permits, your kids. I’ll run ‘em all through.)

Anyway. Based on how well Ali focuses on each subject, she gets to put an arbitrary number of stickers on her page. And when she gets to fifty, which happens about once a week, she gets to raid my School Prize Drawer.

(I wish it were a wall instead of a drawer. Then I could tell Ali, “Be sure to use the School Prize Wall thoughtfully.”)

As she’s picking her prize, I split my thumbnails peeling all the stickers up and we start over.

This was working fairly well, but Ali’s attitude was still not great – she was exhausted and “not feeling well” every day. At the beginning of week three, I was on the verge of booking her a doctor’s appointment when I decided to first attempt an attitude chart, on which she can earn only one sticker per day, or two if she’s an exceptionally attentive or whiny student.

(The consequences would most likely be a grounding off of her iPad, but just leaving it at “consequences” sounded so much more ominous.)

It was magical. The moment I placed the freshly laminated sheet in her hand, her little eyes lit up with the passionate joy of a girl motivated. And since then, she’s been so cheerful she could be the focal point of an insurance commercial.

“How happy are Geico customers? Happier than an OCD little girl with an attitude chart!”

I kicked myself for not implementing it sooner. I should have known – I’m motivated in every area of life by charts and graphs – of course Ali would be even more so.

As far as our curriculum itself, the textbook approach was definitely the right way to go for Ali, and we agree that our favorite choice was the Bob Jones Reading/Reading Comprehension program.

Ali loves the activities that go with the stories, and I can already tell a marked difference in her comprehension and attention to what she’s reading. We’ve moved really fast, finishing the first and second book in two weeks each. But the stories quickly ramp up in depth, so I’m hoping that means we slow down soon.

Ali is also enjoying Explode the Code for her phonics (it has about half a dozen different formats of learning pages, and she especially loves the silly question language comprehension.)

The A Beka Science, History, and Health are each going well, although I’m not doing a good job of supplementing them with fun activities or paper mache dioramas or really anything at all other than reading the books. We’ve been doing a mixture for Bible, between the Bob Jones Bible, ABC Bible Verse Book stories and memorization, and What’s in the Bible DVDs (which are perfect when I need a mental break. Which is at the end of every school day.)

The A Beka Math is good, but we’ve also been adding in other skills that Ali already knows, like multiplication tables and fractions, and doing supplemental work on concepts that are difficult for her, like telling time, skip counting and place values.

Also, on one random day’s lesson, her math book included a map problem. It turned out to be her favorite problem ever (along with graph problems – again, big surprise), so I’ve been drawing her custom map problems that contain her best friend, favorite places to play, and her most adored restaurants.

(I do realize that there might be some slight spatial reasoning issues with my measurements. And yes I might have considered hiding these from my husband so he didn’t realize the errors of my ways.)

(And yes, we’re raising a local foodie snob – And I’m okay with that. Ali doesn’t understand why people go to restaurants where they don’t know the owner by first name.)

I have to admit I’ve enjoyed drawing these problems as much as she’s enjoyed solving them, which proves that our personalities really are quite blessedly suited to be paired together as teacher and student.

(We’ll see how Noah wrecks my peaceful paradigm when he gets to Kindergarten.)

What we haven’t ended up using is the Handwriting without Tears. I suspect this is my fault as I only have the workbook, and not the entire system. However, Ali much prefers copying my writing at this point, and it seems to be more effective.

And then there’s Noah.

His passion for learning is palpable.

His first set of “School Legos” were fantastic – he painstakingly built each suggested vehicle included on the poster (which I lovingly laminated for him), and I think it was great for his comprehension.

The peace that this Lego set bought us lasted for ten glorious days.

And then he was done with it.

So on the third week of school, he got a new Lego set – this time, the construction one. So if anyone’s keeping count, school is costing me approximately $9 per week of toddler hush money – and I’m budgeting that as “Cheaper than Mother’s Day Out.”

(Suggestions are welcomed and desperately needed for his next gift. Please help soon.)

And then there’s me. I couldn’t find a school planner that I liked, so I made my own pages on Excel this year, and I’m very happy with them (You can download my template here.)

As for the beautiful efficiency of homeschooling, our school days are lasting from about 8:30 to 12:00 every day, we usually end up ahead enough to have a light day on Friday, and I never plan ahead – I write down each subject as it’s completed. Because who likes changing things once they’re in ink?

And those stickers down in the bottom right-hand corner?

Yeah. That’s my own motivation section.

And it’s so totally effective.

Regarding a Summer Love Affair with YouTube.

September 20, 2013September 19, 2013 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, I embarrass myself just for your amusement., Toddlers: The Experience

I’ve never been a YouTube sort of girl. Sure, I use it to suit my own purposes, uploading videos for blogs and then immediately logging off.

But watch other videos? No.

Search for stuff? Never.

Until I had a son.

A son obsessed with all things containing wheels.

Noah needed to see tractors. His fire truck viewing quotient could get dangerously low, and if he didn’t get to lay eyes on a bulldozer regularly, then really – what was the point of living?

And so I found myself watching tractor videos. And enjoying them. And simultaneously marveling at how the heck they could have so many views. And remembering that here I was, a 31 year old Mom with no interest in tractors, enjoying them – so that’s how they had so many views.

Then there were the mining equipment videos. They were basically infomercials for ridiculously huge all-terrain vehicles, and each one would have a million views! Who knew mining machinery was so sexy?

I do now.

(Here’s my favorite Mining Truck Video, since I know you’re dying to watch.)

From there, we moved to tractor tipping videos – i.e., kids playing with Mater, Frank, and Lightning toys, reenacting the tipping tractor scene.

There was something about watching another kid play with toys that really spoke to Noah’s soul.

Then we found our first true love: MadAboutLego.

It was brilliant: entire mini-movies, plot and all, done with Legos in stop motion photography. And they had these fascinating bits of the Lego creations building themselves.

I responded to these revelations as was if I was the first person to ever discover The YouTube.

I texted Chris.

“I found the most amazing YouTube channel ever!! Who knew there was such cool stuff on here??”

“Um, everyone.”

It amazed me that these famous people were just on YouTube. They had 75,000 subscribers, but didn’t seem to even know Twitter existed, had an abandoned Paleolithic blog, and weren’t promoting themselves in any other way.

How did people find them? How do they interact with their fans? HOW DID THIS WEIRD ALTERNATE SOCIAL MEDIA UNIVERSE WORK?

It was all so new and strange.

We spent our days watching Legos being built, but the children didn’t seem quite as addicted as I was. Stinks for them.

But then.

Then we found her.

The fantastic, soothing voice of DisneyCollectorBR.

All she does is make videos of opening, assembling, and briefly playing with Disney toys, namely of the Cars variety, while giving a commentary in her lilting and mysterious accent.

And she never shows her face.

I watched her gentle and delicate hands de-bag toys and listened to her mystic voice narrate her de-bagging for many an hour before I realized that something deep and intrinsic was happening within all of us.

We were becoming addicted to DisneyCollector.

She calmed us. She gave us happy feelings. She left us sitting there, in a complete trance, listening to her inform us if Lightning McQueen’s eyes were painted on or were mere stickers.

Even now I can hear her melodious voice, always the same on her opening line, “Hi Guys, Disney Collector here…”

I found myself picking up on clues to her identity: an Asian symbol on a thumb ring. Okay – maybe she’s Chinese. But her age completely baffled me. She could have been eight or twenty-five – I had no idea.

For weeks, I had a picture of DisneyCollectorBR in my head. A young, Chinese girl. A tween, perhaps? Or a very young-sounding adult. A very peaceful girl, with zero life-angst and surrounded by every Disney toy ever made.

But then I clicked on one of her videos where she was speaking…Portuguese?? And in the comments, she answered the question asked by many: SHE WAS BRAZILIAN.

(Hence the BR at the end of DisneyCollector. Duh.)

My mind was blown. I immediately texted Chris to tell him the world-changing news – “DisneyCollector is BRAZILIAN!!!”

He nonchalantly answered, “Yeah, I could hear that.”

I laboriously attempted to reconstruct my mental image of her, but with no luck. The question as to her age was throwing me completely off-track.

So I googled her.

“DisneyCollectorBR Face”

The text popped up in suggested searches early, assuring me that I was not the first person to ever Google her, and giving me a small comfort that perhaps I was also not the only person to be addicted to a faceless, ageless female reviewing TOYS.

But alas – her face was not available. She is a mysterious one, for sure.

Several times a day, Noah would ask, “I want to watch Disney Collector!! I need to watch Disney Collector!”

And I loved it. Because for her and her alone, Noah would be completely still, lying on my chest, cuddling happily to her rhapsodic drug of a voice.

But then when it was time to put her down, he would have a tragic meltdown, unable to comprehend a life without her.

Yes, we had a problem.

Then Chris came home one night and told me about an episode of This American Life he’d listened to.

“You’re not going to believe this, but there is actually was such a thing as a ‘Clicky Voice Addiction,’ and a subset of humans that seek out certain voices on YouTube to trigger feelings of peace and calm.”

Uh oh.

I listened to the podcast in question and looked up ASMR, the diagnosis for this addiction.

And was relieved.

Phew. I don’t get tingling in my head from DisneyCollector. I must be okay.

…But I wouldn’t mind having head tingling from her…she’s so delightful.

Yes. I wonder how I can get head tingling from Disney Collector? Can you catch this syndrome?

And that’s the point that I realized that perhaps we all needed a YouTube break.

Supporting Fair Trade With Green Mountain Coffee {Giveaway!}

September 19, 2013September 24, 2013 Rachel Callahan Giveaways and Contests

My Keurig® changed my life.

Okay maybe not my entire life, but at least the first few hours of my days. I love the ease, the speed, and the variety with which it provides me life-giving coffee.

And, with regards to the variety, I might be a bit over-the-edge OCD. In fact, my husband measures my sanity by the current state of the K-Cup Carousel.

I’ve been training the kids on refilling it, justifying their labor as critical thinking education due to all of my rules and regulations.

(Preferably, there should be no repeats of flavors on a single side of the carousel. If a repeat is necessary, the pair cannot be touching unless there are more than two of the same flavor, in which case they should be lined up together to indicate an Intent to Repeat.)

(Perhaps OCD isn’t a strong enough term.)

One of the brands of coffee that we enjoy is Green Mountain Coffee®. They have fantastic flavors including the always anticipated Pumpkin Spice, and they have just released their new Fair trade Certified™ Three Continent Blend

I learned a lot about Fair Trade when researching artisan chocolate, and the same principles apply to coffee. Most family coffee farmers live in remote locations and lack access to credit, so they are vulnerable to middlemen who offer cash for their coffee at a fraction of its value. Fair Trade assures coffee farmers a fair price for unroasted green coffee. Fair Trade also links farmers directly with Fair Trade roasters like Green Mountain Coffee®, creating long-term sustainability.

I love the idea that my eating and drinking choices can help change the lives of families in countries that are not as fortunate, and that by being conscientious about the products that I buy I can help turn the tide to fairness in international commerce. It makes coffee and chocolate taste so much better when you can think of your consumption as a bit humanitarian.

In celebration of Fair Trade Month this October, Green Mountain Coffee® is introducing Fair Trade Certified™ Three Continent Blend, which combines the flavors and aromas of three continents in one harmonious Extra Bold blend. My kids can’t wait to have another flavor to figure out how to fit in my carousel schematics.

So I’m guessing you’d love a Keurig® Brewing System and Green Mountain Coffee too, right?? For a chance to win a Keurig® Brewing System and a Green Mountain Coffee® gift basket, please comment on this post with an answer to the question: Are you a coffee drinker, and if so, would you consider buying fair trade coffee?

Sweepstakes Rules:

No duplicate comments.
You may receive (2) total entries by selecting from the following entry methods:
1. Leave a comment in response to the sweepstakes prompt on this post,
2. Tweet (public message) about this promotion; including exactly the following unique term in your tweet message: “#SweepstakesEntry”; and leave the URL to that tweet in a comment on this post,
3. Blog about this promotion, including a disclosure that you are receiving a sweepstakes entry in exchange for writing the blog post, and leave the URL to that post in a comment on this post.
4. For those with no Twitter or blog, read the official rules to learn about an alternate form of entry.

This giveaway is open to US Residents age 18 or older. Winner will be selected via random draw, and will be notified by e-mail. You have 72 hours to get back to me, otherwise a new winner will be selected. The Official Rules are available here.

This sweepstakes runs from 09/18/13-10/31/13.
Best of luck!!

Have a Happy Vasectomy.

September 17, 2013July 21, 2020 Rachel Callahan Actually Possibly Informational, Pop Post, Popular Posts, This is TONGUE IN CHEEK People - Don't take me Seriously., Utter Silliness

Disclaimer: My husband and I created this post to be a public service for the world. However, you know the topic of this post, so if you feel it might offend you, feel free to move along. Otherwise, read at your own risk.

1. Pay no attention to the hobbling, saddle-sore gentleman leaving the office as you arrive. Do not look down and notice that he has thoroughly wet himself.

2. On a related note, the Urologist’s office will smell strongly of urine. I presume that’s why it starts with a U and an R.

3. The morning of, your wife may be quite preoccupied at the conundrum of what one wears to her husband’s vasectomy – it’s a once-in-a-lifetime event, after all. You, however, should wear very loose, stretchy clothing. And take along extra underwear.

4. Speaking of underwear, although boxers might still make a fine second layer, tighty-whities are a necessary post-surgical evil, as excessive range of motion must be avoided. If the idea of tighty-whities makes you feel ten years old, buy a pack of dark, solid colors. Tighty-mauvies and tighty-navies aren’t quite so imposing on your coolness factor.

5. You will be awake, lucid, and possibly anxious during your procedure. Prepare to have a focal point in the attempt to separate your mind from what is going on. Find your Happy Place. If you’re not sure how to do this, ask your wife for help – she’s had to visit the OB-GYN at least once a year for half her life.

6. There will be nurses prepping you for your procedure. Female nurses – and more than one. They will laugh frequently and heartily at their own rapid conversation. They are not laughing at you. Certainly not laughing at you. Definitely not. Surely not. Ok, probably not. They do this thirty times a day.

7. Thoroughly reading and following the pre-op preparation instructions will serve you well – otherwise, that giggling group of nurses will have to do touch-up work – and nobody wants that.

8. Speaking of paperwork, it will THRILL your wife that you have to bring an authorization form with her signature in order for you to seek medical care of this nature. She might even march around the house singing about suffrage at the top of her lungs.

(Cast off the shackles of yesterday…)
(Shoulder to shoulder into the fray…)
(Our daughter’s daughters will adore us…)
(And they’ll sing in grateful chorus…)
(Well done, Sister Suffragette!!)

9. A vasectomy is ten thousand times more fun when live-tweeted in harmony with your wife. Your mind will be distracted by the attempts to share carefully yet entertainingly, and many followers will appreciate your candor and willingness to divulge such hard-to-come-by information.

10. Other followers will need to be prompted to unfollow or mute you for 48 hours.

(Facebook, however, is not the place for vasectomy humor. For obvious reasons.)

11. You may get up to three different sets of post-op instructions – one from the paperwork, one from the doctor, and one from the nurse.

(“Pick up your pain medicine on the way home and take as needed.”)

(“You probably won’t even need prescription pain medicine – just take Advil. That’s all I did.”)

(“Take your medicine, boy!! He may be the doctor, but I’m the nurse. I KNOW what you need. Don’t you be listenin’ to him!”)

Go with the most conservative approach. After all, you’re a man. You’re not used to pain down there.

12. Have at least four bags of frozen peas prepared at home for immediate implementation, and seal each well in a Ziploc freezer bag – because peas thaw. They smell like peas. They contain a certain percentage of juice… just use the bags.

13. Pre-plan how specific you want to be with your children regarding your surgery. Six-year-olds can ask some impressively nutty questions that may hit well below the belt if you’re not properly prepared to combat effectively. And speaking of combat, don’t forget to protect yourself from your toddler’s standard headbutt greeting.

14. Take note that the severing of your vas deferens may drastically change your taste in television. You may find yourself watching the Velocity Network all weekend, dreaming of a manlier era full of muscle cars and important junk in need of repair.

15. Pre-op instructions restrict several things, including athletic activity and horseback riding for two weeks following the procedure. That is a large range. Jogging two weeks later is okay. Horseback riding? For the love of all that is tender, please refrain from horseback riding until…just never do that again.

16. Clarify with your wife beforehand if you feel that you will need to sense her sympathy during your recovery, because she will require some time to practice faking. Especially if she’s had C-Sections with multiple complications.

(It’s a tiny snip. You’ll live.)

(Also. SHE GREW HUMANS FOR YOU.)

And finally,

17. When you’re fully recovered, please throw out your own peas. They are not salvageable, even when simmered nicely with a little ham and onion. Your wife doesn’t want to touch them, and nobody wants them left in the freezer for so long that everyone forgets their tainted past.

The Foreign Universe of The South.

September 16, 2013September 15, 2013 Rachel Callahan "Deep" Thoughts by Rachel, Actually Possibly Informational, Don't Listen to my Fashion Advice, This is TONGUE IN CHEEK People - Don't take me Seriously., Weird Strange and True

I do adore Project Runway.

As long as Tim Gunn is there, I will be a lifelong fan.

(Same goes for Sofia the First. He’s the star of that show and Sofia knows it.)

However, last week’s episode was a tiny bit perplexing, and has made me seriously rethink the perception that the rest of the world holds of my little universe.

I’m not surprised that it happened, as our southern department store, Belk, is the sponsor of the accessories wall this year.

(A fact which will not allow me to go any farther without pointing out that the Parisian Accessories Wall would’ve sounded a million times better. Stupid, stupid, Belk. How could you jettison such a lovely name in exchange for a bodily function??)

(I love Belk. I shop at Belk. I just hate them for ditching the name Parisian when they bought out Birmingham’s Best Department Store. And I always will. And I will be required to take a moment to harp on this each and every time I mention Belk for the rest of my life.)

Back to Project Runway.

The challenge was,

“Design a dress for The Modern Southern Woman.”

Which prompted Heidi Klum to actually say “Hey Y’all!” in all the glory of her German Accent.

But the reaction to the challenge from nearly everyone on the show was as mystified as if they’d been asked to design for The Modern Young Klingon.

Because apparently, we’re a completely different breed of human than rest of the world.

“My dress is for a girl going to a cotillion. Because that’s like a thing, right? Not just in movies?”

(Oh yes. I got to a cotillion at least once a week. Me in my finest hoop gown and Chris in his tails.)

“I’m really thinking about how NOT to make this Mother of the Bride.”

(Perhaps instead you should have thought about how NOT to make hideous.)

And half the group designed out of plaid. Because that’s what all us farm workers wear while we ride our tractor with a tasty hay stem sticking out the side of our mouth.

The designer of the dress on the left won the challenge, with his faux-Laura-Ingalls-Wilder-apron and plaid-right-out-of-the-Ralph-Lauren-toddler-boys section.

And with regards to the sweetheart neckline plaid dress on the right, Tim and the designer had the following conversation:

Tim: “And this is eveningwear?”

Designer: “It’s day. But I mean it’s definitely not a picnic dress or for going to the forest…or whatever they do down there.”

GUYS.

Seriously??

Is The South really perceived as this foreign of a place?

Do people actually think that we live so differently than the entire rest of the United States?

No wonder y’all read my blog. You’re all like, “Hey! Here’s a Modern Southern Woman that doesn’t spend all of her time milking cows and picking tobacco! Who knew southerners were so normal?”

“Hey! Did you know they had actual cities in the South? Me neither, until this blogger I follow got obsessed with sunset photos and showed pictures of her city. They even have buildings! Made out of metal and glass and everything!”

“Guys. You’re not going to believe this, but did you know that Southerners actually don’t wear aprons and gingham dresses anymore? They actually wear good blue jeans these days! And not even with giant bonnets! Who knew, right?”

”This blogger I follow homeschools. I find that strange, but it’s probably because she didn’t want her kid going to the one-room schoolhouse and having to share the outhouse with so many other children. I bet that’d be awful.”

“Dude! Apparently they actually have internet in the South now!! Then again, maybe these southern bloggers are just going to the library.”

Or, maybe it’s the opposite.

Maybe you all weren’t as ignorant as the Project Runway designers, and instead, I’ve ruined you. And now you’re like,

“Wow! I thought the South was totally normal until I started reading this blog and found out about their football and their monograms and their smock and their park rules and their bank love notes and relationship soliciations and their toilet worms and their bare-butted statues and their willingness to talk about their kid’s tub poop. They don’t even know what Hipsters are! The South is SO WEIRD!”

Hm.

Maybe we are as weird as they think we are.

Either way, thanks for reading.

Fashion Statements of Fact.

September 13, 2013October 28, 2013 Rachel Callahan Actually Possibly Informational, Don't Listen to my Fashion Advice, I'm No Videographer, NoahBlogs, NoahVlogs, Toddlers: The Experience

Since his debut onto the fashion scene in August, Noah has discovered that he has much more to offer. And so he’s back, explaining in detail the intricacies of toddler clothing and more.

He realizes that exposing the world to his impressive depth of knowledge runs the risk of making him the go-to guy for fashion conundrums, and he has even answered his first fan question in the following video. But he feels that the fashion category is too limiting to his vast scope of expertise, so he wants to answer questions about anything. So if you have your own questions for Noah to resolve in upcoming videos, please leave them in the comments. Because he’s here for you – the Dr. Phil of two-year-olds, ready to help you with all of your life’s mysteries.

Or you can just tell him he’s awesome – because he’s totally down with fan mail.

How To Stay Dry in the Rain.

September 12, 2013September 11, 2013 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, I would NEVER take too many pictures. . ., I'm a Glutton for Adventure, Kids: The Experience.

1. Steal your sister’s junk-hoarding bucket.

2. When she catches you, act like you did nothing wrong and didn’t even realize she was chasing you.

3. Steal your sister’s other junk-hoarding bucket.

4. Skip around in the rain, satisfied at your complete dryness.

5. But beware – rain is slippery.

6. Don’t fall.

7. If you do fall, be sure to not lose complete control, and therefore soil your entire body.

8. If you do lose complete control, don’t let your sister see you, or she might become patronizing.

And lecture on the evils of bucket-stealing.

Leading you to remorse.

9. If you find yourself in a remorseful situation, use it to your advantage – sympathy can go a long way in convincing sisters to do ridiculous things.

And she might even find herself enjoying it.

10. At which point, be sure to enjoy your successes with dignity and honor.

And that’s how you stay dry in the rain.

75 Ways to Get Guilted on Facebook.

September 10, 2013November 3, 2013 Rachel Callahan Actually Possibly Informational, Let's Talk about The Internet, Pop Post, This is TONGUE IN CHEEK People - Don't take me Seriously., Utter Silliness

This list started months ago as a text vomit stream between my friend Ashley and me. And we decided that the world should be allowed into our heads.

How can Facebook give you a Guilt Trip? Let us count the ways.

1. By buying organic. It’s too expensive and you’re selfishly robbing money for your own family from starving people in other countries that need it more.

2. By not buying organic. You are feeding your family processed, pesticide ridden foods that will ultimately cause untimely sickness and death.

3. By being liberal. Don’t you know they’re ripping the country apart?

4. By being conservative. Don’t you know they’re ripping the country apart?

5. By being politically apathetic. Don’t you know you’re allowing the country to crumble into ruin?

6. By being immodest or letting your daughters do the same. How could you do that to innocent men?

7. By feeling obligated to the idea of modesty – geez. It’s not your responsibility.

8. By not waking up at 5 AM to do a 3 hour spin class. You’re sooo lazy.

9. By waking up at 5 for a 3 hour spin class. You’re obviously exercise obsessed.

10. By not having pets for the sake of your children. They add so much quality to a child’s life!

11. By having pets concurrently with children. Don’t you know that cats eat the faces off of sleeping babies?

12. By not spending hundreds of dollars on your kid’s Halloween Costumes.

13. Or Christmas Loot.

14. Or Valentines Loot.

15. Or Easter Baskets.

16. Or Fourth of July…Baskets? Give them the childhood they deserve!

17. By spending hundreds of dollars on any of the above. You’re raising spoiled brats and wasting your money!

18. By playing on your phone too much. You’re slowly sinking into the quicksand of having no actual human interaction, and you’re obviously missing your kid’s entire childhood!

19. By making others feel guilty about playing on their phone too much. It’s the world we live in – loosen up for crying out loud.

20. By not eating Greek Yogurt. It is the key to health, happiness, and regularity.

21. By eating Greek Yogurt. Don’t you know about its terrible environmental byproducts? And specialized yogurt mold?? It’ll probably bubble and hiss at you when you open it!

22. By not talking about how wonderful your spouse is at least three times a week on Facebook. Do you even care about your marriage anymore?

23. By talking about how wonderful your spouse is three times a week on Facebook. Don’t you know you’re making people nauseous?

24. By putting your kid’s pictures on Facebook – there are predators out there, and once on the internet, always on the internet!

25. By not putting your kid’s pictures on Facebook – don’t you know that people need to see those precious faces? You have a duty!

26. By not caring about the decline of Miley Cyrus’ morals, and how it may very well impact your children’s future.

27. By caring about Miley Cyrus – don’t you know there’s a civil war in Syria?

28. By caring about Miley Cyrus – what about Robin Thicke?! Who’s holding him accountable??

29. By caring about Robin Thicke and Miley Cyrus – don’t you know there’s a civil war in Syria?

30. By not liking a picture of Jesus that instructs you to like if you…love your kids?

I wish I were making this one up.

31. By not doing a daily original craft with your children to show off to the world.

32. By doing a daily original craft with your children to show off to the world – don’t you know there are mothers barely surviving out there?

33. By not enjoying every second of your children’s lives – it just goes by so fast!

34. By attempting to enjoy every second of your children’s lives – don’t you know about chronos and kairos time??

35. By suggesting to others that they should enjoy every second of their children’s lives – have a heart, that’s ludicrous!

36. By spending too much time on Pinterest. It’s not like you’re going to do that stuff!

37. By not spending enough time on Pinterest – don’t you know there are teacher gifts to make, hair to chalk-color in rainbow-order, and animal-shaped food plates to sculpt to make your kid’s lives complete?

38. By not having a super creative pregnancy announcement. And Christmas Card. And birth announcement. And St. Patrick’s Day Card.

39. By shopping at Aldi – they sell horsemeat!

40. By eating at Taco Bell – they sell horsemeat tacos and you’ll probably find hoof fragments, too!

41. By eating at McDonalds – haven’t you heard of Pink Stuff? It’ll kill you and your children and your children’s children that won’t even be born because McDonalds.

42. By not eating at McDonalds. Don’t you know you’re sheltering your children and turning them into hopeless hipsters?

43. By not voting for your friend’s slightly-blurry kid in the Cutest Baby Contest – they could have won $100 if it weren’t for you!

44. By not sharing your friend’s slightly-blurry kid in the Cutest Baby Contest with all of your friends – they need your help to collect their rightful $100!

45. By not voting for your favorite disease to win a million dollars from a giant corporation.

46. By not voting for your favorite blogger to win each and every possible blog award out there.

47. Because of the fact that your kid didn’t serenade you with “You are my Sunshine” when you woke him or her up this morning – clearly you’re not nurturing enough.

48. Also? They are obviously behind on their verbal skills. And are they expressing emotion yet? Call the Pediatrician stat.

49. By posting sarcastically and then someone not reading it sarcastically and agreeing wholeheartedly with what you weren’t saying.

50. By playing Candy Crush. What a colossal waste of money and intellect, dude!

51. By not playing Candy Crush and not being willing to help your friends in their important game. Um, selfish!

52. By being addicted to Candy Crush. You know the British have a rehab facility for that, right?

53. By not being a runner. And you call yourself healthy?

54. By not being a football fan. Why do you even have a Facebook Account in the fall?

55. By being a football fan and daring to mention it. You just got hidden by hordes of angry non-fans, and their Facebook status is now all about what a pain it is to hide all of you EVERY. STINKING. YEAR.

56. By not posting about your anniversary (along with a lovely soliloquy about your spouse.)

57. By not answering all of those “Happy Birthday” messages. And likes are for the lazy.

58. By sheltering your teenagers. They’re totally going to be on the Molly as soon as they go to college.

59. By letting your teenagers run wild. They’re probably on the Molly right now.

60. By not knowing what Molly is. Know your drugs or you won’t have a clue when your tweens are on them!

61. By overdisciplining your small children – let them be kids! Don’t make them robots!

62. By underdisciplining your small children – those kids at the restaurant once drove a family mad!

63. By vaccinating your children. Don’t you know how dangerous that is? They could DIE!

64. By not vaccinating your children. Don’t you know how dangerous that is? They could DIE!

65. By having too few kids. The world will never change if we don’t populate it with like-minded people!

66. By having too many kids – They’ll stretch you too thin and you won’t realize when the oldest is on the Molly, especially since you don’t know what Molly is!

67. By dressing your children in designer clothes. What a waste of money!

68. By not dressing your children in designer clothes – don’t you know how waif-like they look in Faded Glory?

69. By shopping at Wal-Mart. And here’s a 100-Point Case on why you shouldn’t. And don’t you know how they treat employees??

70. By shopping at Target. It’s OWNED by the FRENCH!

71. By boycotting Target. It’s not a French company and the French aren’t the devil anyway. Don’t you use Snopes?!?

72. By not getting around to scanning in all of your old photos so that you too can take part in Throwback Thursday. And Flashback Friday!

73. By drinking a Mountain Dew. It has sugar, high fructose corn syrup, and brominated vegetable oil! It will give you cancer and rot your entrails! And this one time, in Iowa, a guy opened his can of Mountain Dew and there was a human FINGER inside. Ew.

74. By not drinking Mountain Dew. Geez. Relax a little and live.

75. By realizing you wasted your precious time reading this post. Thanks to whoever shared it on that devil the Facebook.