Disclaimer: My husband and I created this post to be a public service for the world. However, you know the topic of this post, so if you feel it might offend you, feel free to move along. Otherwise, read at your own risk.
1. Pay no attention to the hobbling, saddle-sore gentleman leaving the office as you arrive. Do not look down and notice that he has thoroughly wet himself.
2. On a related note, the Urologist’s office will smell strongly of urine. I presume that’s why it starts with a U and an R.
3. The morning of, your wife may be quite preoccupied at the conundrum of what one wears to her husband’s vasectomy – it’s a once-in-a-lifetime event, after all. You, however, should wear very loose, stretchy clothing. And take along extra underwear.
4. Speaking of underwear, although boxers might still make a fine second layer, tighty-whities are a necessary post-surgical evil, as excessive range of motion must be avoided. If the idea of tighty-whities makes you feel ten years old, buy a pack of dark, solid colors. Tighty-mauvies and tighty-navies aren’t quite so imposing on your coolness factor.
5. You will be awake, lucid, and possibly anxious during your procedure. Prepare to have a focal point in the attempt to separate your mind from what is going on. Find your Happy Place. If you’re not sure how to do this, ask your wife for help – she’s had to visit the OB-GYN at least once a year for half her life.
6. There will be nurses prepping you for your procedure. Female nurses – and more than one. They will laugh frequently and heartily at their own rapid conversation. They are not laughing at you. Certainly not laughing at you. Definitely not. Surely not. Ok, probably not. They do this thirty times a day.
7. Thoroughly reading and following the pre-op preparation instructions will serve you well – otherwise, that giggling group of nurses will have to do touch-up work – and nobody wants that.
8. Speaking of paperwork, it will THRILL your wife that you have to bring an authorization form with her signature in order for you to seek medical care of this nature. She might even march around the house singing about suffrage at the top of her lungs.
(Cast off the shackles of yesterday…)
(Shoulder to shoulder into the fray…)
(Our daughter’s daughters will adore us…)
(And they’ll sing in grateful chorus…)
(Well done, Sister Suffragette!!)
9. A vasectomy is ten thousand times more fun when live-tweeted in harmony with your wife. Your mind will be distracted by the attempts to share carefully yet entertainingly, and many followers will appreciate your candor and willingness to divulge such hard-to-come-by information.
10. Other followers will need to be prompted to unfollow or mute you for 48 hours.
(Facebook, however, is not the place for vasectomy humor. For obvious reasons.)
11. You may get up to three different sets of post-op instructions – one from the paperwork, one from the doctor, and one from the nurse.
(“Pick up your pain medicine on the way home and take as needed.”)
(“You probably won’t even need prescription pain medicine – just take Advil. That’s all I did.”)
(“Take your medicine, boy!! He may be the doctor, but I’m the nurse. I KNOW what you need. Don’t you be listenin’ to him!”)
Go with the most conservative approach. After all, you’re a man. You’re not used to pain down there.
12. Have at least four bags of frozen peas prepared at home for immediate implementation, and seal each well in a Ziploc freezer bag – because peas thaw. They smell like peas. They contain a certain percentage of juice… just use the bags.
13. Pre-plan how specific you want to be with your children regarding your surgery. Six-year-olds can ask some impressively nutty questions that may hit well below the belt if you’re not properly prepared to combat effectively. And speaking of combat, don’t forget to protect yourself from your toddler’s standard headbutt greeting.
14. Take note that the severing of your vas deferens may drastically change your taste in television. You may find yourself watching the Velocity Network all weekend, dreaming of a manlier era full of muscle cars and important junk in need of repair.
15. Pre-op instructions restrict several things, including athletic activity and horseback riding for two weeks following the procedure. That is a large range. Jogging two weeks later is okay. Horseback riding? For the love of all that is tender, please refrain from horseback riding until…just never do that again.
16. Clarify with your wife beforehand if you feel that you will need to sense her sympathy during your recovery, because she will require some time to practice faking. Especially if she’s had C-Sections with multiple complications.
(It’s a tiny snip. You’ll live.)
(Also. SHE GREW HUMANS FOR YOU.)
17. When you’re fully recovered, please throw out your own peas. They are not salvageable, even when simmered nicely with a little ham and onion. Your wife doesn’t want to touch them, and nobody wants them left in the freezer for so long that everyone forgets their tainted past.