Rachel Callahan

The COVID Diaries Part One: The Lockdown Months.

August 13, 2020August 13, 2020 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, COVID Life

We’ve now been in this new state of reality for circa 150 days.

Remember when we thought it would be two weeks? How we reassured ourselves it wouldn’t affect the fall?? How your husband planned to celebrate all the holidays we missed (Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Easter, birthdays, etc.) with a big cookout on the 4th of July???

{moment of silence and/or sobs and/or maniacal slightly-demented laughter}

The scenery of The COVID World has changed quite a bit over the months – we’re not in the “don’t leave the house” strict quarantine we were in for the first 30 days. It’s still a weird You-Can-Leave-The-House-But-You-Will-Be-Judged-Based-On-Its-Worthiness time, but it’s even weirder to think back on those early days.

I’ve spent some time trying to recall that first month (I’ve apparently already blocked it), using pictures from my phone and reading my diary to help. Those days before I even owned a mask because I wasn’t leaving the house. Back when I didn’t go inside of any type of retail establishment for 51 days (that’s what antsy “essential working” spouses and grocery delivery are for), and didn’t have Starbucks for 60 days.

Because for me, that month was pretty much the strangest thing that’s ever happened in my life. For my kids, they’re just kinda cool with it like this is something that happens every now and then. I sincerely HOPE that in 30 years they look back on this year and say “that was the strangest thing that’s ever happened in my life”, too, and not “oh yeah – that was the first year of The Quarantine Decades.”

But to help them with their recollections, and to document The Weirdest Thing in My Life, here’s what went down in our quarantine.

——-

Remember in the beginning, when everyone’s main priority was entertaining and encouraging their neighbors? We all put drawings on the doors, hid scavenger hunt pictures in the windows and yards, and CHALK ART.

It was the rage.

There was this one particular look of stained glass (helped with painter’s tape) that EVERYONE was doing. Which of course we could only know because of Facebook.

We turned ours into a robot, then made a tree with a snake. Because why not. It’s not like there was any other way to connect with humans (except the dreaded Zoom – shiver) – this was before you even felt comfortable when a neighbor was walking by your house on the other side of the street.

So Chalk Art it was.

But somehow on our neighborhood walks, I always found scary things like this broken piece of positivity,

oh – and if Evil Tree Nymphs are a thing, I met one.
I still have nightmares about him.

Puzzles had their Best Month Ever. We (okay mostly I) did several, and I even made some from my local photos to make it more fun. Who knew you had so much time for puzzles when you didn’t leave the house?

Meanwhile, I was spending too much time shopping online for clothes I had no purpose for, and Hautelook was trying to sell me activewear that basically sums up the crap-show that 2020 is.

Because if 2020 were a piece of clothing, it would DEFINITELY be a Sleeveless Sport Romper.

One of the biggest blessings of 2020 was the fact that at the very beginning of the year, we began construction on a new back porch – covered and screened – and it was finishing up right when lockdown started.

Of all the years to need more OUTDOOR living space, this was the one that it mattered.

We spent many lazy Saturday mornings reading, drinking coffee together, and doing what quarantine does best – nothing at all.

The best THING we accomplished in quarantine was severely cleaning out our basement.

We aren’t hoarders, I mean, we’re NOT – we just don’t always take time to throw things away – several things, OK – LOTS of things, especially big things. For years we’ve talked about renting a dumpster and getting rid of things all at once, but spending a weekend throwing stuff out just isn’t our jam.

So I told Chris that if we don’t do it now, when we’re stuck at home anyway, we will literally never do it.

He agreed. And the next week, he had us a giant dumpster delivered and ready to go.

We filled. That. Thing. Up.

30 cubic yards of freedom in 5 introverted weekends.

And it felt so good.

It took five weekends of hard labor, such as going through college notes and middle school diaries and finding my cast from when I broke my arm in seventh grade – but dang it we threw some crap out.

It’s not like I was ever going to need that 17 year old test sheet for Tax Accounting ever again, but it did sting a bit to throw out all that hard work.

The softball trophies all got trashed,

As did all my employee awards from my pre-kid career.

But I kept the diaries. I need my grandkids to ask me what a “catalog” was.

I did find two very useful items hidden in the basement, though probably woefully expired.

Week Five was the week I finally got desperate enough to paint.

I don’t dislike painting, but the prep is exhausting. And my office / guest room has been the ugliest baby poop beige for the 13 years that we’ve lived in our house, and I’ve always wanted it to be a more relaxing space. And when better to create more relaxing spaces than in Week Five of COVID Lockdowns?

Even Noah got in on the fun.

Here’s the before and after:

SO MUCH HAPPIER SPACE.

Then I painted the front door…and a bathroom…and I got so mad at the world one day that I pressure washed the sidewalk while barefoot with our overpowered hose. And left my mark while I did it.

The kids and I did a bunch of experiments and activities – some of which were not as successful as others.

Baking Soda + Vinegar + Food Coloring Painting is not as pretty as Pinterest advertises.

Sorry kids. No one ever said Quarantine would be fun.

The extreme satisfaction of water beads, however, somewhat made up for failed baking soda experiments.

I was introduced to a new treat by my friend Nikki that got me through the first few weeks – Dalgona Coffee.

I’m a bit tired of it now, but man was it a needed something special. It’s a weird creation, but well worth the research if you’ve never heard of it.

(Quick interruption to this long monologue for a recipe: blend 2 tbsp of Instant Coffee and 2 tbsp of sugar with 2 tbsp of boiling water until it becomes a very thick foam that looks unsettlingly like peanut butter. Then you dole it out onto a little bit of half and half or creamer or milk, and slightly mix it up as you drink it.)

It’s bizarrely good – and also bizarre.

I tried to use lockdown to teach Ali how to like coffee, but no matter how sweet I made it, she was involuntarily forced to stick out her tongue and say “eeeueegh” with each sip.

Speaking of bizarre. I think those first few birthday parades will be something that we all remember as “can you believe we did that, and furthermore that some city governments tried to tell us that even birthday parades with windows rolled up were unsafe?”

For those sadly unlucky children who had their birthdays in the deepest deep of lockdowns, we made birthday bunting,

Hand Puppets,

Found the most rocking “Happy Birthday” on Spotify, and cheered them on from the safety of our cars. Car Horns are having THE BEST YEAR EVER.

I’m sorry, Unlucky Lockdown Children. You get a Double Portion of Birthday in 2021.

Easter 2020 was an unforgettable one: Easter baskets on Saturday (SACRILEGE!), church via livestream (LAZINESS!). On the porch (HERESY!). With Buddy the Snake joining in (Snakes are part of the Easter Prequel, so it works).

Noah did enjoy getting to join the praise team, though. Chris only wishes he was hipster enough to pull off a toboggan/ukulele/pajama pants combo.

In their Easter Baskets, for which I shopped via Amazon and grocery delivery (thank you, Shipt, for bringing me all those jelly beans), we tried to get the kids things that would occupy them. These building straws were a huge hit, until I got extraordinarily tired of them in my living room and the kids weren’t willing to give up their bedroom floor space for their own construction projects. Upside: permanent re-usable straws for multiple generations.

On my first time back to actual running out-of-doors, I got splatter-pooped by a bird.

Again, yup. That about sums it up.

Early on in our cluelessness, I remember even feeling guilty walking around our neighborhood.

All the parks were closed.

All walking areas were off limits, except your own neighborhood. Chris took this quite literally, and sometimes disappeared for hours on foot, because if you go on foot, it was okay, right?

Thank goodness “outside” eventually became all of our safe space just before I lost my mind.

On one of our earliest ventures to a park – one of the first to open back up – we saw FIVE families of baby geese and ducks.

After being in strict quarantine, it was an extreme happy place.

This was another one of our early outings, where Noah could blessedly get out some pent-up energy – poor kid. Nine year old boys should not be kept indoors.

The kids taught themselves how to do a lot of computing. Noah started by making his own business cards (super duper applicable during a lockdown and all)

Ali learned how to use Excel for things like list-making (because the girl appreciates a to-do list), and then she taught herself and Noah how to “use” Excel for more creative pursuits. Spreadsheets are so 2019.

Solitaire became a favorite game for man and beast,

And I shopped for bras to wear in an at-home life – enough of a bra that I wouldn’t be embarrassed if a neighbor stopped to talk at a 6 foot distance, but not so much bra that I felt constricted. I found a section called “comfort bras” on Hautelook. But I immediately realized that their idea of comfort is not the same as my idea of comfort.

We finished school still during the stay at home order, and also on a puzzlingly freezing May day, but we couldn’t break tradition. We went to the clock tower anyway for our annual family meeting. We made it quick, and tried to stay out of sight.

Thankfully, no errant COVID strains were hanging out there.

And somehow we actually didn’t forget to take our comparison photos for beginning of school / end of school, though admittedly they were a few days late.

Look at those first day of school kids. So young. So innocent. So clueless as to how they’d finish the school year – with raggedly-long hair and overwhelming missing of their friends that was only treatable by the horrible beast that is Zoom.

My literal first indoor store experience was 51 days in, to PetCo for Buddy. Because one can only hoard frozen mice for so long.

On my first run in the woods, I found a family of four baby armadillos. I was lonely enough that I stalked the said armadillos. One walked up to my shoes and apparently thought I was his mommy. We needed each other, ‘Dillo and me.

Then he taught me where the idea for Shrek Ears originated.

Finally, as our state began to change to the next stage of The COVID Experience, I couldn’t help but gasp at Alabama’s COVID marketing team. Because if “Safer Apart” is the goal, I want a new goal-setter.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Break to the Future.

May 20, 2020May 20, 2020 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, Boy Child = Bizarre., Just My Luck, Kids: The Experience.

It’s 1985. Doc Brown has just arrived back from the future, steps out of his DeLorean, and tells me, “Great Scott! Whatever you do, DO NOT go to 2020!”

Why not, Doc?

“There’s a global pandemic! The world gets shut down, you won’t go into a store for 53 days, you’ll have 3 trips cancelled, you’ll forget how to talk to people or put on makeup. And when you do put on makeup, you’ll immediately smear it all on the inside of your face mask and ask yourself why you put on makeup.

…But then, after much discussion and changes of plans and months of uncertainty, you and your husband will go to a remote beach to celebrate your 19th anniversary, taking a much-needed break from the four walls of your house.

…You’ll share a long, deserted beach with nearly no one except for the crabs and the birds and the creepy driftwood.

…But while you’re sitting at a restaurant for the first time in in 61 days (61 days without eating out!! Can you imagine??) (outdoor seating only, of course), you’ll get a call from your mom that your son fell off his cousin’s hoverboard and broke his wrist! But don’t worry – there will be VIDEO PHONES by then, so it’ll be like you’re in the ER with him but actually you’ll be in your condo at the beach. I’m telling you. The future is crazy!!”

Okay, Doc. Um. Well, the hoverboard part makes sense anyway.

So yeah.

Noah gave us an extra special anniversary gift.

Thankfully, it hurt so little that he was confused at the fact that it was, indeed, broken.

You see, two weeks ago, we had given his cousin Andi a Hawaiian Shaved Ice machine for her birthday. Which Noah definitely wanted for himself. But then he saw Andi on her hoverboard, another birthday present, and he fell deeply in love. Watching Andi flippantly and expertly drive that two-wheeled contraption around like she was controlling it with her mind, all while casually eating a shaved ice…

well, it was a taste of the future.

And Noah wanted the future.

Noah had asked Chris and I if he could buy one with his money. We were both slow to answer, not sure of how safe hoverboards were these days.

Chris told Noah that he would think about it while we were gone on our trip.

So when Gramamma took Ali and Noah to visit at their cousin’s house on mine and Chris’ first full day of quiet beaches and solitude, Noah of course had to try out this device for himself.

It did not go as well as he’d planned.

You see, he ran into a flower pot.

Which caused him to fall backwards and catch himself on his wrist. Which actually did not hurt that bad…as long as he kept ice on it. And didn’t move it. Oh and it had a nice swelling and bump to it that very much reminded me of my 7th grade wrist-breaking incident.

I was texting with Adolfo, our Pediatrist friend, who consulted last time Noah needed to go to the ER, to find out if he thought it needed x-rays. Noah said it barely hurt. Could it (possibly-please-there’s-a-pandemic-going-on) just be sprained?

Adolfo answered. “He probably does need x-rays, but I’ll be glad to go get him from your mom take him in real quick.”

Um, what? Aren’t you like, a busy doctor?

“I got off early today. It’s really no problem.”

Okay. We’ll take it.

What followed on our end was several hours of tense waiting… updates… consent for care over the phone… insurance information texted… finding out that it was truly good and broken… and wondering.

Wondering if we would need to come home.

Because if he needed surgery on his broken arm the next day, we really should pack up, cancel our trip, and drive the 5 hours home to be there with our kid.

But if he was just fixable by a quick set-and-cast, well, the kid was in no pain and was clearly going to love being King of Gramammas with his cast propped up for the rest of the weekend, so obviously us coming home would just be a disappointment and cramp his style.

So we waited. And finally, we heard the news. All he needed was a minor sedation, a yank to get the bone back in place, a quick wrap in a cast, and he was done. He would be back at Gramammas before we could have gotten home anyway.

All was well.

Noah became The Injury King.

Adolfo was already The Doctor King.

And we, well – we got to stay on our much-needed vacation from reality.

p.s. – he totally signed his own cast.

p.p.s. – And he also let Buddy the Snake sign it.

p.p.p.s. – But he never wants a hoverboard, and has already ordered himself a Hawaiian Shaved Ice machine instead.

If Not In Quarantine, Then When?

April 22, 2020April 22, 2020 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, Kids: The Experience.

It has become my theme statement.

It applies to all things.

…If I can’t sit in my front yard and read for two hours without feeling a shred of guilt during quarantine, then when?

…If I can’t clean out my office closet, paint my office (no more poop beige!), the front door, and the bathroom during quarantine, then when?

…If I can’t eat ice cream every night during quarantine, then when?

…If we don’t order a construction dumpster and thoroughly clean out our basement and garage during quarantine, then when?

…If I can’t let the kids make an insane amount of mess with some crazy idea during quarantine, then when? (When I was making a grocery order and asked Noah if he needed anything and he said “Baking Soda and Vinegar so I can make explosions!!” – sure kid. If not in quarantine, then when?)

So when, as I was cleaning out that horrible mess of a closet, I found an old bag of water beads that we’d bought for a school experiment a few years back, it made total sense to go ahead and expand about 10,000 of them, take pictures of them, and then throw them on the children.

Because if not in Quarantine, then when?

Yeah. That was seriously fun. And I was only the photographer – it had to have been more delightful for Chris, the water bead dumper.

I mean for the children. The most fun for the children.

But pictures.

My friend Kristin had told me a couple of weeks ago that I should do a water bead photoshoot because they’re just so darn photogenic.

She wasn’t wrong.

There’s something in the way they hold the light that is mesmerizing.

They also hold reflections of each other nicely, but that’s harder to catch on camera.

After we finished ogling them and holding them and sticking our hands in them and feeling comforted by not giving the water beads ANY social distance, we decided it was time to let them live Their Best Life.

Chris had just gotten home from work, and was completely amenable to the idea of pelting the children with 10,000 squishy balls of water.

I mean really, isn’t that what everybody feels like doing after a long day at work?

And then the jumping bean fun began.

And now all I can think about is… if that was 10,000 water beads, and 100,000 water beads only cost $22 on Amazon, if not in quarantine, then when?

Trust Nothing But Numbers. And Maybe Don’t Trust Numbers.

April 7, 2020April 10, 2020 Rachel Callahan Actually Possibly Informational

Before I begin, let me say that Coronavirus is a very serious situation. We as a family are doing all we can to socially distance and shelter in place, and my heart has been broken for friends whose relatives have passed away. This post is about numbers and projections and objectively analyzing them, and about not allowing anxiety and horror to rule our hearts. It is not about minimizing the human impact of Coronavirus.

I’m a data nerd. I am not even the most novice expert about what the coronavirus is capable of, but I do know how to analyze data. As such, I’ve been looking at all sorts of charts and graphs and anonymized aggregates and models and projections (I’ll list some of my favorites at the bottom of the post), and using them to create and keep my own spreadsheets of “just the numbers, please.” Because oftentimes, the numbers paint a different picture than the headlines.

Last Wednesday, in the UAB press conference, Dr Jeanne Marazzo, Director of Infectious Disease, referenced a projection model created by The Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation (IHME) at University of Washington Medicine that gives a state-by-state, day-by-day projected hospitalization count, ventilator count, and death count. She stated that she was watching the model, but that it didn’t properly reflect our state’s situation, as the model hadn’t taken into account our social distancing measures. She stated that it was currently more like a worst-case scenario model if none of us did anything to prevent the spread.

At the time she referenced it and I looked at it for the first time, the model was astounding. It was saying that we would have 5,515 deaths in Alabama, and need more than 32,000 hospital beds on the peak day, when we only have 5,743 available. Also, the ranges were bizarre. Can you really predict that we will need 32,422 hospital beds when your range of uncertainty is 2,262 – 78,614? And can you really say the worst day for deaths will be a count of 341 when your range is 8 – 847 deaths for that day?

This is a screenshot from those predictions as they were last week. The horizontal lavender line is the number of hospital beds available to COVID patients in Alabama. The dashed lavender bell curve was their estimate of how many beds would be needed, and the shaded lavender are was their range of uncertainty.

This past Saturday, an article was published at al.com referencing this model, with a headline stating Alabama was projected to have the highest death rate in the nation, and contained other dire conclusions from the projections. It did state that these were possibilities and not certainties, but the article was terrifying, and was shared at least half a dozen times in my Facebook feed, alongside much anxiety and fear.

But also by Saturday, the model in question was even more incredible (and by that I mean completely not credible), as they hadn’t replaced their projected data with real data since April 1, which meant that you could see and compare the projections against actual facts now. And they were insanely off-base. A few of those comparisons:

For Saturday, April 4: Actual Hospitalizations in Alabama: 212. Projected hospitalizations in Alabama: between 4,503 – 12,255. Our actual hospitalizations were only 4% of their low range number, and 1.7% of their high range number.

For Saturday, April 4: Projected ventilators needed – 724 – 2,168. We don’t know how many people are actually on ventilators in Alabama, but as we only had 212 hospitalized on Saturday, it was clearly significantly less than their low-range number.

For Saturday, April 4: Actual total deaths (including ones not confirmed by ADPH): 45. Projected deaths: 112. “Only” overstated by 249%.

If the model is off by that gross of an overstatement, it can only be logical to conclude that the peak numbers were also grossly overstated, and therefore should not be used to project what Alabama is going to look like in two weeks when we hit peak virus load.

I was frustrated about an article getting published based on a study that had already proven itself to be extraordinarily overstated, and concerned that it would increase the load of anxiety on already overloaded people. On Sunday I discussed my findings with a couple of friends to make sure I wasn’t looking at the data wrong, and one of those friends, who is a former journalist, encouraged me to email the article’s author with my analysis, which is not something I would normally do. So I did, laying out my reasons for drawing the conclusion that the model couldn’t be trusted.

Within an hour, he replied graciously, thanking me for writing, agreeing that the model had serious issues, and stating that he was looking into writing a follow-up post.

Monday morning, the model and its crazy projections were updated. They replaced the projections with real numbers up through Sunday, and as expected, changing those data points changed the entire skew of the graph, and therefore the entire picture for the state.

For Alabama, they dropped their hospitalization projections by 93%, (that’s right – they now project only needing 7% of the beds that they projected last week(!!), and therefore projecting that we will get nowhere near our number of maximum beds), they dropped their ventilator projections by 93%, and their death projections by 87%. Instead of 5,515 projected total deaths in Alabama (with a range of 849 – 9,624), they now predict a total number of deaths to be 923 – with a range of 378 – 1,996 – so even their max number is now less than half of their previous projection.

This is a screenshot from the updated model. Notice the number of hospital beds available (horizontal lavender line), which of course did not change, is well above their estimate of how many would be needed.

Part of the reason this changed is because they took into account everything that WE are doing for social distancing. This is good news. Part of it is that projections are just projections. They are not solid truth.

I downloaded the new raw data and compared it to their previous raw data that I grabbed last week, and they drastically dropped their numbers for many states (though there were a few they drastically raised them for), but Alabama was one of their top two most drastic decreases.

As he said he would, the author of the al.com article wrote a follow-up article Monday morning based on the new numbers, and put a disclaimer and link at the top of his prior article (as well as some updates he made to the prior article.) But his new article has not and will not be shared nearly as many times as the original, since it isn’t shocking news.

So I wrote this post to say this:

Conversations are worthwhile. I was surprised and happy that this journalist took the time to read my email, consider it, and email me back. And even more happy that he wrote a follow-up article repainting the situation of our state.
If there’s an article with good news, share it! His first post, the dire one, has 40,200 shares. His second, the good news post, has 1,900 shares. Let’s reward our journalists by sharing their good news and not just terrifying news.
Click through on any data points mentioned by any article. Raw data can be very enlightening.
Don’t allow projections to control your emotions or outlook. If a projection can drop by 93% in four days, it probably doesn’t mean much.
But don’t feel bad if you’ve been scared out of your wits by a projection – I certainly had a mini panic attack a few weeks ago after reading the Imperial College of London’s projections – projections that also got questioned and downgraded.
This is not to say that Coronavirus isn’t serious – it absolutely is. I am completely on board with all of the social distancing we are doing – my car’s tank of gas is currently 20 days old and counting. However, I believe that allowing panic, anxiety, and horror to consume us is also not healthy. We can do everything we need to do to minimize this virus’ impact AND have some peace of mind. We don’t know what this virus will do. No one does, really. But we can do our part, so many of us are doing our part, and it is helping tremendously.
Be encouraged – there are new tests, new discoveries, and medications being frantically tested and found to help.
And again, share encouraging news. Overwhelm the scary news. We all need encouragement and light right now. Let’s share it.

My favorite data analysis tools:

For raw data:

Alabama:

Alabama Department of Public Health

Good news – what we’re doing is working:

Based on aggregated, anonymized smart thermometer readings, we can see a significant decrease in fevers around the nation.
Based on aggregated, anonymized cell phone location data, we can see people’s nonessential travel decrease. (Ignore the grades they give each state – I find that too subjective. But I like the graphs when you click on each state and county.)

April 10 Update: Since I wrote this, there have been three more updates to the model referenced, and all of them have consistently decreased the projections of hospitalizations and deaths in Alabama. What was a projection on April 1 of 32,422 beds needed at peak has now decreased to 829. That is merely 2.5% of the former projection. The total death count for Alabama was projected at 5,515 last week, but today the projection is down to 431, a 92% decrease. Although I still don’t put stock in the projections themselves, their dramatic and consistent decreases are good news. This virus is absolutely a catastrophe for those affected by it, but the number of people affected has been drastically diminished. Social distancing is working. And the worst case scenario is not going to occur in Alabama.

The 55 Stages of COVID Grief.

March 28, 2020March 28, 2020 Rachel Callahan "Deep" Thoughts by Rachel

1. When you first hear of other countries’ lockdowns.

2. Reading the new rules that apply to you. Every day.

3. What you think of the rules when you first hear them.

4. Arguing with the new rules.

5. Realizing the rules are happening with or without you.

6. When you find out you’re non-essential.

7. When you realize you’re actually essential.

8. Resolution that this is us.

9. Determination.

10. Doing what needs to be done.

11. Denial.

12. Every day, every news story.

13. Surely there’s something we can do to fix it.

14. Worst case scenarioing to make yourself feel better.

15. Remembering relaxation is actually what you always wanted.

16. Attempting to enjoy the relaxation.

17. Reading too many articles.

18. Trying to sort out what’s true.

19. Thinking you had it all sorted out.

20. Realizing you definitely didn’t.

21. Having a news hangover.

22. Realizing that every day has 24 hours that you will spend in your house.

23. Accepting it.

24. Realizing you will see no one but your spouse for the next 13 months.

25. Renewing your physical touch consent agreement with your spouse.

26. Accidentally seeing news.

27. Perfecting laziness.

28. Regretting laziness.

29. Finding yourself talking to the inanimate objects in your house, and giving them new personalities.

30. Realizing you have to go to the grocery store.

31. Wondering if you can ask your doctor for a three-month coma.

32. On your 153rd text to your best friend before 10am on Monday.

33. Remembering what it was like to go to a restaurant.

34. Telling yourself it will get better.

35. Losing all sense of time, space, purpose.

36. Crafting the grief away.

37. Trying to figure out what you miss the most.

38. Describing your complex feelings to your family.

39. Bargaining.

40. Depression.

41. Acceptance.

42. Rebellion.

43. Being informative on Facebook.

44. Not actually replying to informative friends.

45. Being Judgy McJudgerson on Facebook.

46. Not actually replying to judgmental friends.

47. Being whiny on Facebook.

48. Not actually replying to whiny friends.

49. When you forget for just a minute…then remember.

50. When your former life no longer exists.

51. When your spouse arrives home from work.

52. Forgetting completely how to people.

53. Your daily undoing.

54. When this is all over, how we wish we could greet every stranger we see on the street.

55. How we will actually greet people for the rest of our quirkaparanoid lives.

A Social Distancing Fail of the Most Fascinating Variety.

March 26, 2020March 26, 2020 Rachel Callahan Uncategorized

Spring has sprung here in Birmingham. Flowers are blooming and trees are filled with pinks and whites and greens. It makes me wistful when we walk around our neighborhood, as seeing the trees around us makes me remember all the trees I can’t see right now at the Botanical Gardens, and Aldridge Gardens, and pretty much everywhere else.

I mean, we only get like three weeks of Spring in Alabama and then BAM it’s 95 degrees. We don’t have Spring to Spare on Quarantine.

But here we are.

And we are determined to make the most of it.

(Some more than others.)

(Noah, who normally begs me to take him out every single day to do fun things, is ironically absolutely THRIVING in Quarantine. He gleefully told Chris on our nightly walk, “I LOVE QUARANTINE!!!” then followed it up with “If we didn’t have quarantine, then Mo Willems wouldn’t have started his Lunch Doodles series. And if he hadn’t started Lunch Doodles, then I wouldn’t have become an author!!”)

(Because yes, Noah wrote and illustrated his first book Tuesday. And didn’t sleep Tuesday night because his mind was so abuzz with ideas for the sequel. He’s also built cities out of cardboard boxes, drawn endless pictures, read many books, and in general has proven himself as not an extrovert or an introvert, but clearly a quaranvert.)

(There are even “Coming Soon” posters tacked throughout our house.)

Anyway.

We’re making the best of it.

That doesn’t mean we don’t have moments of anxiety or frustration or NEEDING JUST A MOMENT TO ONE’S SELF. But I haven’t, as yet, resorted to THE SITUATION found yesterday by one of Ali’s friends, as she was walking through her backyard.

Her parents sent me a picture and I was so amazed that I had to go see it, and photograph it, for myself.

****TRIGGER WARNING****

****THERE WILL BE SNAKES****

****BUT REALLY AWESOME SNAKES DOING AWESOME SNAKEY THINGS****

****THAT WILL MAKE YOU THANKFUL FOR SOME SNAKES****

****SO PUT ON YOUR BIG BOY UNDERWEAR (or big girl panties but I find men are more squeamish than women in general)****

****AND LOOK AT THIS AMAZING NATURE OCCURRENCE. ****

You ready now?

It was a King Snake and a Copperhead, not at all practicing social distancing.

And furthermore, the King Snake was EATING THE COPPERHEAD.

I have not once considered eating my children or any other humans, so I’m going to go ahead and consider that a win.

But getting to photograph this amazing exchange of nature made my day, my week, my quarantine. And when I do feel the urge to eat someone, I’ll remember how happy these snakes made me (and my hostess.)

And this is your reminder that King Snakes are better protection than your Golden Retriever. Thank your King Snakes, y’all.

p.s. If you want to see how big the Copperhead started out, here was the picture my friend sent me as the King Snake started his meal:

Tasty, no?

Homeschooling Tips for the Quarantined.

March 19, 2020March 19, 2020 Rachel Callahan Uncategorized

I’ve had some readers ask me to write a tips post on homeschooling for those of you who very suddenly found yourselves involuntarily in such a situation, thanks to COVID-19, who is apparently homeschooling’s hardest lobbyist. There are a ton of resources already floating around about that, though, so I’m not going to retread a lot of ground. However, I do have 10ish years worth of homeschooling posts peppered into my blog, but seeing as how I have 2,355 blog posts, I get how it might be hard to find the ones that are helpful RIGHT NOW. So first I’m going to start off with a couple quick notes, then I’m just going to give you a link index of some posts that you might find helpful.

Tips for RIGHT NOW:

Don’t panic about cramming in a bunch of education right now. It’s a weird time. We’re all distracted. Focus is nearly impossible. You can’t possibly be expected to accomplish a perfect school day. Relax. Enjoy the forced break. Do fun stuff. Be creative. Don’t worry about getting in every subject.
Use the resources being provided by wonderful people for this crisis. Our favorite is Mo Willem’s daily lunch doodles.

His voice is so lovely and soothing and his doodles are so fun. We have been looking forward to doodling with Mo every day. James Spann also did a live Science/Weather show today, and it is available to rewatch – it was excellent and I highly recommend it for when you need an hour for the kids to watch something educational while you get stuff done – and it totally counts for science for one day – maybe two.
Feel free to list the resources you’ve found in the comments!
iPad education is awesome. Khan Academy is fantastic for Math and Grammar, and totally free. There are many games for math, spelling, reading, grammar, and more. Kids learn exceptionally well via fun, so why not have some fun.

Links to old posts that might inspire you:
(Disclaimer: These posts are only if you NEED things to do. Do not feel pressure to do ANY of these things. I just told you to relax, remember??)

For the Mamas Thinking about Homeschooling – I wrote this post a few years ago because every Spring, I get a fresh batch of moms wanting to ask me all about homeschooling. Obviously this post applies to a more permanent homeschool situation, but you might find it helpful or encouraging anyway.
USE MOTIVATION SYSTEMS. My kids are old enough that I don’t need these anymore, but they are so so so so so (did I mention SO?) helpful for when your kids are little, or are learning to be self-motivated. Here’s a year that I made and laminated Lego Bucks, here’s a year that I just printed a sheet with numbers and put stickers on it, and here’s a system that worked so well I used it several years – tickets, because kids love tickets.

Easy Craft Projects are a great time-filler and are very motivating. Here’s one we did with fabric scraps for geography, and here’s several crafts we did with paint chips (they could be done with colored paper as well.)

If you want to keep up with what you’re doing, here are my free homeschool record templates – you can change them up as much as you need to in Excel.

Get your kids to keep a diary – whether it’s one sentence or a page. Don’t grade it on spelling or neatness – just let them write. It’s so much fun to look back on. Here was Ali’s when she was six, and here it was when she was ten. She still keeps a diary every day and is so happy that she has her entire life (back to being five) to go back and read.
Here are 80 Writing prompts to get kids to write. Use the prompts to inspire a sentence for small kids, or a paragraph for older kids.

Here’s a giant list of great books to read aloud to your kids. Also great is when you can get your older kids to read aloud to your younger kids.

Here are some early reader recommendations that are fun and high quality – if you can get books right now.

Here’s a math game that I made up – you don’t need anything but a printer and paper to play.

$Multiplication-and-Addition-Math-Game-and-Template.jpg$

Here’s another fun way to do math – how to teach division with remainders and then, the best part, to eat your remainders.

If you’re feeling the need to burn something, why not crayons? Here’s a fireworks painting we made with melted crayons. Very therapeutic in a time like this.

Playing store is a fun and engaging way to teach math, commerce, bargaining, price gouging, toilet paper shortages and more.

This is old, but here is my first and second list of iPad educational apps. There are probably lots of better learning apps now, but it’s a start.
Here are a few fun ways I encouraged writing letters when my little ones didn’t like to do so, including making a secret code for them to solve, or teaching them how to use invisible ink (with white crayons and watercolor paint.)
Here’s another fun Geography project – tracing the map, then quizzing everyone on what states they’ve visited and making a legend. This would be a fun thing to do to keep in contact with family members right now too – get your kids to call their grandparents, ask them what states they’ve visited, and start a conversation about those trips.
Speaking of Geography, this is the post behind my most watched YouTube video of all time, and it’s not just because of all of my personal re-watches because I love hearing Baby Ali pronounce the states (okay maybe half the watches are mine.) But this is a great time to learn all the states – so why not?

(Okay I had to stop and watch it again. It almost made me want another baby.)

That should be enough to keep you busy EVEN THOUGH I started out this post telling you to CHILL OUT and relax. So you do you. And don’t feel any pressure. Let’s all take a deep breath in, and a deep breath out. Except not in the direction of another person.

(And feel free to ask any questions in the comments.)

Grasping for Objectivity in Probiotic Social Distancing.

March 14, 2020March 14, 2020 Rachel Callahan A Bit More Vulnerable Than I Usually Am, Actually Possibly Informational

I’ve spent half the week trying to understand the coronavirus. All of the conflicting reports and graphs have just confused me and forced me to keep digging to find some objectivity in all the mess of opinions and prophecies and, of course, legit funny memes. After words left me boggled, I finally went to my most trusted friend, numbers. I googled some numbers for myself, connected the dots, and now am starting to grasp the whats, the whys, and the ifs. To understand both the “it’s not a big deal” and the “it’s a big deal” and the “why all of us playing our part matters.”

Disclaimer: I am no expert, I could be wrong, but I share my thoughts because it’s the chain of logic that finally helped me understand what was happening, and I thought it might help someone else as well. (Also I needed to unload my brain.)

First: Stay Calm. This isn’t the end of the world. Do Not Panic.

The population of Hubei, the province in China where all this started, where they didn’t even know they had a new disease for nearly two months (details: they are now saying Patient Zero contracted around mid-November, Chinese officials told WHO they had dozens of cases of unknown pneumonia on December 31, they identified it was a new virus on January 7, and didn’t quarantine the city until January 24)….the population is 58.5 MILLION.

Of that 58.5 million, 67,790 people have gotten the coronavirus as of today. That’s 0.1% of the population of the most caught off guard people group.

Once that 58.5 million started following strict social distancing guidelines, their rate of spread fell dramatically.

So in that way, these numbers make it seem like not a big deal. And it isn’t – as long as we don’t get it all at once. Note that they QUIT getting it AFTER they social distanced. Meaning that social distancing is the only way to slow/prevent the exponential growth the virus has if left to its own devices.

Second: Pay Attention. It is a big deal.

Italy is at the moment the example of the worst case scenario. The numbers are why.

Four Fridays ago: 21 cases of coronavirus.

Three Fridays ago: 1,128 cases – a multiplication of 53.7 times more cases.

Last Friday: 4,636 cases – a multiplication of 4.1 times more cases.

This Friday: 17,660 cases – a multiplication of 3.8 times more cases. Or, in three weeks, a multiplication of 841 times more cases.

This is a serious issue because their medical infrastructure cannot handle this, and their death rate is higher because they simply cannot treat everyone. The doctors are having to make horrific decisions of who gets treatment and who dies for lack of treatment.

The exponential power and especially speed of this virus is dangerous if left unchecked. Yes, it’s not dangerous to everyone, and it’s still a small percentage of the population, BUT when numbers are increasing at that rate of multipliers, it takes mere weeks to be a severely dangerous situation.

Third: Have Hope. We can be proactive and prevent the worst case.

If we socially distance now, before we know if we have it and how many people have it, we prevent the multiplier.

*** We are not sheltering in place out of fear, but out of prevention. ***

The best case scenario is that, in a couple months, all the people who said this virus is a political sham are laughing in our face and saying “See? I told you so.”

Fourth: Don’t Be Selfish. It’s not about you.

Yes, the virus can be very mild – so mild that you don’t know you have it. Yes, the death rate for younger people is drastically low.

But all lives are valuable. ALL lives. And if we, as “younger” people, can get it and not even know we have it, then we have the potential of spreading it to someone that is older or that has secondary health problems without even knowing we did it. That makes younger, healthy people not just a null value in this equation – it makes them a weapon.

If you cannot be motivated to practice social distancing for yourself, practice social distancing for your grandmother. For your elderly neighbor. For your friend with diabetes. For your uncle with heart disease. For my grandmother. For that stranger’s grandmother. Because every life has value.

If we preventatively limit our social interactions (not necessarily our leaving home – just minimizing our close proximity as many people as we practically can), then we prevent the exponential growth, and we prevent being a part of the cause of suffering of others.

So. Am I going to my friend’s 45th birthday dinner, consisting of a small group of friends? Yes. Am I going out to eat randomly just so I don’t have to cook? Probably not, but I might send Chris to the drive-thru. Am I going to keep running and hiking? Yes, because there aren’t large groups of people involved in that. Am I going to church, or sporting events, or to hang out at the mall or the movies? Nope. That can wait.

Those are my personal decisions, and certainly not black and white guidelines. Everyone needs to weigh their personal situations and make informed decisions.

Numbers both alleviated my fear and inspired me to do a large amount of social distancing to keep the numbers low. But it’s not out of fear. It’s more like eating yogurt. It’s a Probiotic.

Books For a Time of Personal Distancing.

March 13, 2020March 14, 2020 Rachel Callahan Books Are The Best

I mean, they’re not books about personal distancing, because what we all need right now is the feeling of community, even while we’re preparing to avoid community. But I’ve read a bunch of books since my last book report, and for such a time as this, thankyouverymuchcoronavirus, we all need a healthy stack of books (or five) for our time of forced snuggle-up-in-bed-and-wait-it-outness.

Also, I don’t know about you, but I need some serious escapism between my bouts of corona-research.

(As a side note, I’ve been pointedly ignoring the Coronavirus until Wednesday, at which point I started researching heartily to try and sift the hype from the reality, and for 36 hours I couldn’t decide which was closer to the truth, that truth that was surely somewhere in the vast murky middle. But yesterday, I finally decided that despite my generalizer persistent optimism, I’m starting to believe the Clear and Present Danger, and regardless, the best thing we could all do is follow the social distancing protocol as best as we can (I’m not stopping my whole life but being wise and cutting out what I can) and hope that we all laugh heartily about this in a year when it comes back up on our Timehop. I’d much rather remember fondly all of our silliness than the alternative. And, plus, the introvert side of me is super cool with the idea of a forced couple weeks of cuddling up in bed, on the couch, and in the armchair and reading. But that’s just my opinion and I do not claim to be an expert. Read my further thoughts here.)

So let’s read, shall we?

Fiction:

Once Upon a River – I read this book before The Thirteenth Tale, not realizing that raving fans of The Thirteenth Tale were disappointed by Once Upon a River. I’m glad I read this book first, because I found it to be intriguing and delightful, weaving a unique story that very much feels like it is carrying you down a magical river of words. It’s a great mystery to escape into.

The Thirteenth Tale – So THEN I got her first book, which was so impressive as a first book that it created a bidding war between quite a number of publishers.

It. Was. Spectacular.

It was so good that I wanted to immediately go back and reread it to figure out “How tha heck did she just do that??”

In fact, it may warrant a Corona-induced second read.

Wildwood – My positive review of this book is apparently quite questionable. I loved this book, but Ali has not loved it, and I had another friend who also didn’t love it. Also, I didn’t like the two sequels nearly as much. BUT the first book was magical and lovely and meaningful and fun and deep. It had traces of Narnia, but with a few beautiful deep thoughts and lessons in it. The book is also magically illustrated. I felt like the tone of the book was happy and magical, but Ali felt it was dreary and depressing (though she hasn’t finished it and I’m hoping she changes her mind.) If you’ve read this book, I need to know if you’re #TeamAli or #TeamRachel.

A Gentleman in Moscow – This might be the perfect Coronavirus book, because it’s long and slow and a drawn out tale of an entire life. The first section, though fine, did not draw me in. But by the end, I was fully committed, and since finishing it, I have sorely missed The Count and his life under house arrest (except it was actually “really fancy hotel arrest”) in communist Russia. It’s upbeat and optimistic in a dark time. It tells tales of a time and place that I really know very little about, starting with the Bolshevik revolution in the 1920s and going through the 1950s. But it’s a very vague retelling of events, as if you, too, were under house arrest and removed from the action.

Kate Milford’s Books – I went on a serious Kate Milford bender in the fall and winter. I had read Greenglass House a couple years ago and enjoyed it, but didn’t read the rest of her books right away. Then I got one, then two, and before I knew it I had hungrily read every book she’d ever written (except for the one that only had 50 copies and is impossible to find.)

(Except that there’s one copy on Thriftbooks for over $100 and I’m all like “uh, no. ThriftBooks. I love you but no.)

(By the way do you know about ThriftBooks? It’s the most amazing thing for my bookbuying addiction. Or worst thing. Depending on how you look at it. It’s like having access to the world’s thrift store books without having to sift through dusty copies of outdated cookbooks to find what you want. And you earn points for buying books and get a free book every now and then. Which is super sweet of them.)

But back to Kate. Her books are unique – they happen over many different time periods and settings, yet they all weave together in a beautiful, complex, thought-provoking way. Some are more magical than others, and there is a LOT going on in all of them. She’s the opposite sort of writer from JK Rowling, who is a preparer – you know if JK describes some new setting or piece of magic at the beginning of the book, it’s going to play into the end of the book. Meanwhile, Kate just jumps into her worlds with zero explanation, all the while turning and waving at you and yelling “Keep up! You’ll get it in a minute I promise.” If you like a complex world with many strings, you will love her books.

It’s a bit confusing to figure out what order to read them in, since they happen across many time periods, but here’s my input:

Read Greenglass House first. Important context: Nagspeake is a fictional sovereign city on the eastern coast of the United States, of whom all industry (and government) is controlled by the evil Deacon and Morvengarde, who have a monopoly on all the things. So naturally, smuggling is a must.
Don’t read The Left-Handed Fate before Bluecrowne, and maybe read both of these before The Thief Knot, though not required.
Don’t read The Thief Knot before Ghosts of Greenglass House.
Expect The Broken Lands and The Boneshaker to be very different, yet connected, to the rest of the books. These have some violence in them – I wouldn’t recommend Broken Lands for sensitive children.
Don’t miss the fact that some of the other books are just part of the role-playing-game (i.e. a legend) by the time history arrives to the present, which is when Greenglass House occurs.

There Will Be Stars – This was a random find at Ollie’s (by the way – Ollie’s has amazing book deals and a shockingly good selection of even new releases), and I knew nothing about the author or the book. It was quirky, a little rough around the edges, but created an eerie, interesting world and scenario that definitely pulled me in and made me think. I’ve only read one Stephen King book ever (11/22/63 – the one about JFK), but this book reminded me of it in some ethereal way.

Nonfiction:
The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks – This is one of the most engrossing and fascinating nonfiction books I’ve ever read. It tells the story of the first ever human tissue ever grown in a lab and the story of the woman the cells came from, the effect on her family, and the fact that 70 years later, her cells are still being grown and used in laboratories all over the world. Although she never knew nor gave permission for her cells to be taken or grown, they were in the atom bomb, went to the moon, helped cure polio, make vaccines, and have been reproduced and grown so much that Henrietta Lacks’ cells on this earth right now is estimated to weigh 50 million metric tons. There’s a LOT more to the story, and the easy to understand scientific explanations and implications are woven beautifully in with Henrietta’s story, then with her children’s stories as they had to grapple with the fact that their mother was “saved and grown” without her permission or knowledge, and without their knowledge for over 20 years.

I Am Malala – I read the young adult version of this book first (a lot of my reading is to fill my kid’s literature choice shelves – they each have a shelf full of “quality literature” – both fiction and nonfiction – to pick from for their school reading), and upon finishing it, immediately ordered the adult version, which I haven’t read yet. Malala is a Pakistani young lady who, in 2012, when she was fifteen years old and on the school bus, was shot in the face by The Taliban. They targeted her because of her stand for girl’s rights to education in opposition to The Taliban. Her story is gripping and eye-opening to how the Taliban can come in and control entire regions out of fear and terror. But ultimately her story is one of optimism and change and the impact of one person on an entire nation. Malala was the youngest recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize and continues to work for peace and freedom.
Two Miserable Presidents – Another read for the kid’s bookshelves, this book is full of fun, weird, bizarre facts about the Civil War. In the introduction, the author Steve Sheinkin admits to being a frustrated textbook writer, because all of his interesting facts always get cut. So he’s been saving them and has now released a series sharing real history, but also all of the fantastic stories that give history its depth and interest. The book does a good job of explaining both side’s perspectives on the war, how the war came about, and describes all of the complicated issues that often get glossed over. Noah has also read the book and really enjoyed it.

King Leopold’s Ghost – This book is engrossing, insane, unsettling, and eye-opening on so many levels. It tells about the atrocities of King Leopold II of Belgium, who lived between 1825-1909, and his calculated, cold, and extraordinarily propaganda-coated takeover of a giant swath of Africa. While he was charming America and all of Europe, who gave him accolades for his charity and goodness, he terrorizes and tortures millions of Africans, steals all of their resources, forces them into slavery, and ultimately kills an estimated 10 million Africans. Unsettlingly, the premise for going into the continent was that these Africans, who supposedly practiced cannibalism and such, needed to be “civilized” so that they could advance as a people. What happened instead was that the Belgians “in charge” went on a power trip of hatefulness and cruelty and became the savages against the people they went to “help.” The book is not as horrific as it sounds (though in fact the events are indeed horrific), and it’s a good reminder that unchecked power breeds the worst of evil and savagery.

What I didn’t enjoy – the books in my Bottom Shelf. It has hereby been titled The Bottom Shelf because if we run out of toilet paper…well, these will be the books that get used first.

When Life Gives You Lululemons – This book was annoying. It tried to be gossipy and catty, but it just achieved whiny and awkward.

A Series of Unfortunate Events – I read the first two books of these (more kid shelf research) and found them to be way too train-wrecky and anxiety-inducing for me. I suppose the title should have been a clue, but somehow assumed the hype around them would make me like them. Nope.

Alex and Eliza – This is a dumb fictionalization of the story of Alexander Hamilton. It veers too far away from the actual story, is ripe with coincidences, and was disappointing.

I Capture the Castle – I found this book on a list of “happy reads” – and oh my goodness – WHO were those people and how were they so sad that this book made them happy. The first half was fine and fun, but then it spiraled into a horrific simpering pity party and depression and ended horribly. I was angry when I finished it.

The Curious Charms of Arthur Pepper – This book had promise (I usually love endearing old men books), but it was too “easy”, too coincidental, didn’t dig into characters enough, and just had too little depth.

That’s it – for now. Thankfully, though I haven’t stockpiled toilet paper, I have accidentally stockpiled large amounts of unread books. So you know where to find me for the next month – reading and inventorying toilet paper squares, wondering when I have to break out The Bottom Shelf.

What do you plan on reading?

Diary of a Tired Mom – The Please No More Words Edition

February 26, 2020February 26, 2020 Rachel Callahan "Deep" Thoughts by Rachel, A Day in the Life, Blogging: the therapy., Boy Child = Bizarre., Diary of a Tired Mom, Kids: The Experience., Parent of the Year

It’s been a weird month for me.

My subconscious wants to write very badly – I have dreamed about writing blog posts multiple times in the past month.

And those dreams have not been limited to when I was asleep.

When I got my first dose ever of “the gas” at the dentist, I was so trippy that my entire being was spinning out in staticky, multicolored, 8D spirals, and as the galaxies orbited what was left of me, I began realizing deep truths such as “I don’t even exist anymore. But I faintly hear the dentist still drilling on my teeth. I wonder if she realizes I don’t exist anymore. Someone should tell her she’s wasting her time except it can’t be me because I don’t exist anymore. But wow this would make a great blog post. Wait until I describe these new colors and sensations to the world. It will CHANGE IT.”

(Right after that, I came back to existence enough to rip off the gas and vomit three times.)

(I’m pretty sure my dentist will not allow me to have such services again.)

So yeah, a weird month. But despite my desire to write, I have had a rough month health-wise, so I haven’t been able to write. I’m getting better, so I’ll try to document some of my jotted-down notes from the month.

(Except not the rest of my thoughts from the dentist’s chair. Because those would change the universe too drastically and I’m not ready to pull the rug out from under y’all like that.)

Tiers of Childhood Monologue.

In case you haven’t noticed, kids talk a lot.

They ask a lot of questions, tells the same things over and over, and LOVE to, once they can read, tell you everything they are reading.

The prime ages for this phenomenon, I believe, is between 6 and 10. Which helps me understand a little more why toddlers are middle schoolers are my jam.

(But, Noah is the snuggliest nine-year-old boy that ever lived, which entirely makes up for his endless words. Most of the time.)

(Also he’s prepared for anything. Which comes in handy more often than you’d think. Though I did tell him I was afraid this particular preparation belt would keep me from having grandkids if he fell at the wrong angle.)

Car rides are especially difficult for words with me, because the multi-tasking of operating a large machine AND listening to my kid (because I learned long ago that I am entirely incapable of tuning out any words ever) is tricky. So I have tried to hone the quality of words that come out in the car.

And so, there needs to be a helpful chart – a continuum if you will – of the things read or narrated to a parent while said parent is driving.

Level Negative Ten: iPad narration. I DO NOT CARE what your Monsters are singing about. THAT IS GREAT that you just killed all your Minecraft villagers and goats, but is it really? Did those angular goats really deserve that slaughter? But whatever you want to do to the goats, do it – just don’t tell me about it while I’m driving. (We even have a family code word (more on that later) for QUIT NARRATING YOUR IPAD GAME TO ME.)

Level Negative Eight: Unnecessary and/or repetitive questions about the future. This seems like a placeholder in conversation that my children love to use to fill space. Thankfully Ali learned my terror of answering questions about the future a couple years ago and ceased doing it most of the time, but it’s still a favorite hobby of Noah’s.

Level Negative Six: Jokes from a joke book. Or worse, jokes they know and have already told you ten times. Jokes are excruciating 99 out of 100 times. But then there’s always that one joke that catches you off guard and actually makes you laugh, which makes it not so bad.

Level Negative Two: Trivia books and Guinness Book of World Record books. These facts, read aloud, can be sometimes interesting. But then they seem to read the same pages over and over and they begin to feel like jokes.

Level Positive Two: Hearing about the books they’re reading, or their school books. I like knowing that they’re interested and involved in what they’re reading. Although Noah sometimes gets too involved in his history book, throwing his book on the floor and screaming at our forefathers for their prejudices, poor decision making, and foolish life-ending dueling. But that can be entertaining as well, giving this oration an overall positive rating.

Level Positive Four: Family Feud Cards. This is the one random Car Conversation Savior that I’ve found I enjoy. Someone got these for Christmas, and Noah loves quizzing Chris and I on Family Feud categories. They’re actually entertaining with the same magic that Family Feud is entertaining as a show – magic I don’t necessarily understand but appreciate nonetheless. But what makes them most fun is the children’s uncertainty about whether they’re inappropriate or not when they don’t understand them.

I present this example:

Noah: “Name things that start with the word ‘skinny'”

I snorted. My first thought was “Skinny B**ch”

I wondered if it was on the card, but I certainly wasn’t going to ask.

Chris and I got a few right, then trailed off.

Noah: “Do you give up?”

Us: “Sure.”

Noah:”There’s only one left but I think it’s inappropriate.”

Me: “Oh here it comes.”

Noah: “It’s ‘Skinny Late’ with Two T’s.”

Chris and I thought for a second, then exploded with laughter.

And immediately dared each other to go into Starbucks and order a Skinny Late with Two T’s.

I’m learning how to live with an apparent extrovert.

I held out hope for a long time that Noah was just an outgoing introvert, but the evidence continues to suggest a strong strain of extroversion. The amount of sounds that need to come out of his mouth at all times is staggering. It’s mostly questions but also comments, sounds, random thoughts, and just a stream of consciousness.

As such, over the past few years, we’ve created a collection of Callahan Family Code Words. I only have to say one word, and he knows exactly what I mean, rather than me having to use up all my words telling him to use less words.

Here is the legend to the Callahan Family Code Words. We haven’t copyrighted them, and so we offer them free to help you, too, have a less verbally overwhelming life.

Rubiks – “You’re making random, repetitive, completely unnecessary noises and I let it go for a while but I now need you to cease.”

Honda – “That question is either a.) a question about the future, b.) a completely unnecessary question, or c.) you’re just out of questions for the day because you’ve asked more than my brain can possibly handle. So I’m not answering it.”

Blubbermuffin – “NO ONE wants to hear your narration of your iPad game. If you don’t want your iPad to disappear forever, you’re gonna have to keep your mouth shut while playing.”

Banana – “Quit using your mouth and start using your eyes. We’re on a hike forgoodnesssake can we enjoy the sounds of nature PLEASE.”

The nicest part of these words is that I have to be less rude as a mother. There’s much less emotional content to just say “Honda” rather than “FOR THE LOVE DO NOT ASK ME ANOTHER BLOOMIN’ QUESTION, CHILD.” He knows what I mean and he accepts it without emotion. AND, the magic of the code word keeps him from arguing with me – it just ends the conversation.

But despite my code words’ helpfulness, I do assume this blog post has fully informed you of where my headspace has been going and why I haven’t had any words left for writing.