Rachel Callahan

ATTENTION ALABAMA FANS!!

October 10, 2010 Rachel Callahan Football and I have a Complicated Relationship, Utter Silliness

HAVE YOU BEEN INJURED???

EXTREMELY RECENT STUDIES HAVE PROVEN THAT SUCCESSFUL ALABAMA FOOTBALL, WHEN TAKEN IN VERY LARGE AMOUNTS IN CONJUNCTION WITH AN INEVITABLE BITTER LOSS (with its corollary implications that could deny Alabama a chance to repeat based on their 1-loss and their weak nonconference schedule, weak already with the mighty Georgia State Panthers scheduled late in the season, and getting weaker by the day thanks to Joe Paterno), CAN CAUSE DETRIMENTAL SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO UNCONTROLLABLE ANGER, HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, DEPRESSION, THROWING OBJECTS, KICKING (AND THEREFORE STUBBING TOES) ON FURNITURE, AND MENTAL ANGUISH.

ALTHOUGH THESE SIDE EFFECTS ARE MOST COMMONLY FOUND IN MALES, A GROWING PERCENTAGE OF FEMALES HAVE BEEN FOUND TO BE AFFECTED ALSO.

BUT, EVEN IF YOU WERE NOT DIRECTLY AFFECTED, YOU MAY HAVE SUFFERED SECONDARILY DUE TO CONTRACTION OF COMPLICATIONS BY SPOUSES AND SIGNIFICANT OTHERS.

IF YOU OR A LOVED ONE HAS BEEN EXPOSED TO ALABAMA FOOTBALL AND HAS CONSEQUENTLY SUFFERED FROM ANY OF THESE COMPLICATIONS, CONTACT US IMMEDIATELY TO HAVE YOUR CASE REVIEWED BY A SPECIALIST! YOU MAY BE ELIGIBLE FOR MONETARY COMPENSATION, POST TRAUMATIC STRESS COUNSELING, FOOTBALL REHAB, REFUND OF SEASON TICKET PURCHASES, OR, IF INJURIES SUSTAINED WERE SERIOUS ENOUGH, YOU MAY EVEN BE ENTITLED TO A PERSONAL APOLOGY FROM NICK SABAN HIMSELF!!

FURTHERMORE, IF AN ALABAMA FOOTBALL LOSS OVERDOSE OCCURRED ON YOUR BIRTHDAY, YOU MAY BE ENTITLED TO EVEN GREATER COMPENSATION, INCLUDING MONETARY SPOILING, SHOPPING TRIPS, FLOWERS, AND POSSIBLY EVEN A REPEAT BIRTHDAY.

SO DON’T DELAY! CALL NOW TO BEGIN THE PROCESS OF RECEIVING WHAT YOU DESERVE!!!

No representation is made that the quality of football performed is greater than the quality of football performed by other teams. As if that wasn’t already obvious.

Disclaimer: I had a lovely birthday weekend date in Atlanta, sleeping comfortably for the first time in months in a wonderfully cozy king sized bed surrounded by 28 pillows (of which I may need to rent for the duration of my pregnancy), and eating delightful meals with my even more delightful husband.

There might have been a period of about three hours during our weekend date that was traumatic, but after taking Chris, in his dejected and defeated state, to a memory-erasing clinic similar to the one in “Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind”, all traces of his tumultuous and painful relationship with the above mentioned football team have been permanently erased from his memory.

In fact, he is now convinced that he is a Maryland Terrapins fan.

It’s just better that way.

29. And Prepared to Prove it.

October 8, 2010 Rachel Callahan "Deep" Thoughts by Rachel, Anal Retentivity to a Fault, This is TONGUE IN CHEEK People - Don't take me Seriously., Utter Silliness

So. Today is my last day of being 28 years old.

Typically, I’m such a big fan of birthdays (particularly my own) and the personalized attention that comes with them, that I don’t mind at all the thought of becoming a year older.

But there’s just something distasteful about the thought of 29.

After all, 29 is the age that every woman OVER the age of 29 that is desperately trying to hold onto her youth claims to be.

When I hear the age 29, I immediately picture a 45 year old woman in tight leopard print pants and a hot pink shirt with too much makeup on and hair dyed and curled in the exact same style of her 1980’s Prom…

Come to think of it, I think I took a picture of 29 in my Tailgating post…

Yes, she’s exactly my mental image of 29.

I know – everyone says that 30 is the difficult-to-swallow birthday. But at least when I’m 30, no one will doubt me. Because who goes around claiming to be 30 when they’re not??

But, for the duration of this year, every time I tell someone how old I am, they’ll look at me with doubt and suspicion, wondering if that’s how old I really am, or if I’m really just a very self-conscious 45 year old who still pulls out her prom dress to wear to football games.

Or maybe they won’t.

But whether they actually think that or not, I’ll be nervous on the inside, WONDERING if they’re thinking that, much like when someone casually asks, “Where in the world did Ali get those blue eyes and her curly hair?”, and I start nervously stumbling around with what color eyes her Grandparents have and trying desperately to subtly prove that she is indeed both mine and Chris’ child without looking like I’m nervous because then they’ll TOTALLY think I’m lying, and all the time wishing I carried a DNA test around with me.

So while I’m getting that portable DNA test, I’ll go ahead and stick my birth certificate in my Packet of Proof – so when someone asks me how old I am, I can spout out with a wild-eyed, slightly-insane look in my eye,

“I’m 29. And I’m REALLY 29, not just saying I’m 29. See? See here? Here’s my birth certificate. You can clearly see that I was born on October 9th, 1981, making me definitively 29. And while I’m at it, here’s my child’s DNA test proving that she is indeed a very odd mixture of mine and my husband’s genes. Anything else you’re thinking I’m lying about? Because if so, I can totally add it to my Packet of Proof!”

…and then they will slowly back away from me, a little scared…

So here’s to 29 years of overanalytical paranoid conclusion jumping.

“Grammar”

October 7, 2010 Rachel Callahan "Deep" Thoughts by Rachel, Anal Retentivity to a Fault, Photographical Oddities

I am not a writer by education, as I’m sure proof of such is in abundance around here.

In fact, the classes I despised more than any other were those of the English variety, mainly due to the title of this blog: they were too subjective – especially in the grading.

Especially my first experience with a College English professor… he looked just like Edgar Allen Poe,
except maybe a bit more psychotic and depressed.

And he made it absolutely clear that he despised our class.

(I think it might have been the pencil throwing that clued me in. Oh yeah – that, and all the times he screamed in rage, “I hate this class!!!”)

And so, since we were apparently such despicable human beings, he swore to us that he would not give a single one of us an A, whether we were one of the troublemakers or not.

And he proved to be a good promise keeper.

The semester after I took his class, I Clepped out of the rest of my English Experience.

And sometime in the break before that next semester, he decided to pull out all of his hair, except for a dozen or so long, black and white streaked tufts, leaving him looking like Poe after The Raven got ahold of him.

But, despite my hatred for diagramming and hanging participles and subjective grading, there ARE certain grammar pet peeves that I most definitely have.

And number one on that list is the inappropriate use of quotation marks.

I learned around the age of six what it meant if you put something in quotes – I remember quite vividly an apparently-not-friend of mine telling me “of course you are my …. “friend”!”, while making the ever-famous air quotes with her index and middle fingers.

That day, I figured out that the quote motion was really more like crossing your fingers behind your back, except that you use it when you want to be a bit more ~~cruel~~ obvious.

But alas, apparently not everyone had this traumatic friend experience to teach them that quotes meant “not really”, because people use quotes in the oddest ways, such as this one I spotted at a gas station a while back:

So…is that gum or is it not??

But hey – a hastily handwritten gas station sign can be overlooked. I’m sure no one copychecked that sign, or really even thought too much about it.

But the one I saw last week…wow.

If you don’t even have smart use of punctuation, can I really count on you to have Smart Lipo???

And, all of a sudden, I have an image of being in the surgical prep room getting ready for my Lipo, and Doctor Joey coming in…

“Of COURSE I’m a “real” doctor!!!”

At any rate, I bet that sign made my Poe-ish English professor pull out one more tuft of his hair.

…not that I’m still bitter about my grade or anything.

Football and Kid’s Market: Two Different Forms of Crazy.

October 6, 2010 Rachel Callahan Don't Listen to my Fashion Advice, I would NEVER take too many pictures. . ., I'm a Glutton for Adventure, Kids: The Experience., Photographical Oddities, Shopping: A Girl's Best Friend

So Saturday Football did not disappoint.

I mean regarding my Scavenger Hunt, of course – what, you thought I was talking about the game?? It was good too.

The “interesting” fans were out in full force. Amanda B. did quite well on the Scavenger Hunt, and Green Door Girl did a fabulous job creating an Auburn version of The Hunt (thank goodness we don’t go around wearing curly-cued elephant tails on our butts like all the Tiger Tails she photographed – it wouldn’t be nearly as attractive).

But, just to prove that the phenomenon of football-fashion-overzealousness is not limited to the state of Alabama, the ones I DID photograph on Saturday were the Florida fans.

My two favorites were Ringling Brothers Visit Florida,

And Look! I Can Still Fit Into My Homecoming Dress from 1985.

Speaking of her, boobs seemed to be the theme of the day.

After all, it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

But unfortunately, “Cancer” apparently got left out of the dress-code memo for Saturday, and everyone just went with the theme of “Breast Awareness Month”.

I mean, you could even buy the T-Shirt saying so, as this girl was selling:

Doesn’t that shirt make YOU aware of cancer?

I didn’t think so.

She made Chris buy a bracelet in order to let us photograph her and her, um, wares…

(Obviously, as soon as we got home, I got out a Sharpie and edited his bracelet to read “My Wife’s and Only My Wife’s as per Proverbs 5:18-19”.)

But while I was gallavanting around in Boobieville on Saturday, pretty much all of my friends were either working at or shopping at The Infamous Kid’s Market.

Kid’s Market is a semi-annual gigantasauraus consignment sale that brings out an unparalleled frenzied state in the Moms of Birmingham.

It is held in an huge, empty retail building, and is filled with enough kid’s clothing, toys, beds, socks, and even panties (ew) to clothe and entertain the entire continent of Eurasia for at least a decade.

It lasts for a total of three weeks, but there is a three-tiered caste system as to when you earn your way in.

The most esteemed and respected members of Kid’s Market society are the Workers – the Moms who love their family and their budget so much that they are willing to work up to 20 hours for free – all in exchange for the privilege of shopping first. They TOTALLY get a Mommy Scout badge for their dedication.

The slightly lower members of KM Society are the Contributors – the people who consign. They get to shop after the workers, but they have to still earn their way – the earlier you arrive to contribute (aka camp out all night or get there at 3AM on contribution day), the earlier your prized shopping day.

And then there are the rest of us – the Scumbag Moms. We do nothing to deserve any sort of special treatment, and so we have to wait until the “Public” days to shop.

(In this sense, “Public” means “Crazy-Insane-Lines-Around-The-Entire-Perimeter-Of-The-Store-That-You-Might-Rot-And-Die-In-Before-You-Ever-Get-To-Escape” Days.)

And so, I showed up on Monday, with my shameful head hanging low, on the opening day of Scumbag Moms Shopping.

I’ve never attempted to shop on opening day before. I was scared – very scared.

And, on top of that, I was ghastly unprepared. I had my three-year-old in tow (a dangerous environment indeed for any child), and brought no devices in which to carry my finds.

(The inventions that Moms have to carry their loads are nearly par with Football-Tailgating paraphernalia – they have Laundry Baskets tugged with belts, Laundry baskets retrofitted with wheels, and I’m sure someone somewhere has a motorized laundry basket that adds up their total spent all while matching up outfits for them.)

But, I survived.

We arrived at 11:30, shopped for clothes for Ali and only Ali (sorry, Noah – kids aren’t worth the pain of Kid’s Market shopping until they’re breathing with their OWN lungs), got in line at 12:30, carried 26 items through line for 45 minutes all while very close in proximity to the token-Kid’s-Market-screamer-baby who screeched torturously THE ENTIRE 45 MINUTES (I think they hire him to punish us Scumbag Moms), and left at 1:15.

Was it worth it?

I think it will be once my arms quit hurting. Especially since Children’s Place was such a disappointment this year.

Ali will now have clothes to wear this fall:
And, as always, I got to spot some of the more awesome pieces of three-year-old consignment fashion…

Because what small child doesn’t need a pair of real suede pants??

Or better yet, an entire leather outfit?? And yes, it was in the GIRL’S section.

…it’d go AWESOMELY with a Toddler Tat.

Or, for the especially stylish three-year-old, you just KNOW they have to have a pair of high-waisted jeans to fight their way out of each and every time they need to go to the bathroom:

…I have a feeling that in their pre-consignment life, those jeans may have gotten peed in more a few times.

Giveaway: 1-800-FLOWERS $40 Gift Certificate!

October 5, 2010 Rachel Callahan Giveaways and Contests

Since I do so love random facts, here’s a great one: America’s most common birthday is today, October Fifth!

…Which means that my parents were a mere four days away from giving me the most common birthday in the country.

(Hint, hint.)

In celebration of my upcoming special day, 1-800-FLOWERS sent me an early birthday bouquet: A lovely birthday flower cake!

It is quite beautiful and festive, and was decorated with miniature roses:

And of course, Ali totally thought it was for her. And totally thought that she could eat it.

Of course, I cleared up who it belonged to. But we both LOVE the arrangement, and it is still brightening my kitchen today!

In celebration of Fall Birthdays and as a part of their Deliver Smiles Birthday Campaign, 1-800-FLOWERS has some very creative arrangements, including the one that they sent me, and the Cupcake in Bloom:
If you’d like to win a $40 gift certificate to 1-800-FLOWERS to send someone you love a beautiful arrangement (or send yourself one – why not??), simply comment here to enter!

You can earn up to four extra entries if you:

Tweet, blog, OR Facebook about this giveaway
Follow 1-800-FLOWERS on Twitter or Facebook to find out more ways to win!
Subscribe to OR Follow my blog
Follow me on Twitter OR Facebook

(be sure to leave separate comments for your extra entries.)

Best of luck! This giveaway is open until Monday, October 18th. The winner will be randomly selected and posted on my giveaway winners page on Tuesday, October 19th.

Disclosure: I received a review product for this giveaway, but did not receive any other type of compensation. My opinions are always my own. And I like flowers. They smell nice. And look pretty.

Top 10 Reasons Your iPhone Might Divorce You.

October 3, 2010 Rachel Callahan "Deep" Thoughts by Rachel, Utter Silliness

Having been an iPhone owner for a few months now (admittedly I am an iLateBloomer), I may have become a little more than addicted to it’s convenience, super-hero abilities to do anything I want it to do, and capability to amuse me in any second in which I might find myself becoming bored.

I (very shamefully) might have even gone through two full battery charges yesterday while we were tailgating all day.

Yes, I’m officially an iGeek.

However, in all of my iPhoneiness, I have run across a few ways that you can use it that would make your iPhone cry, if indeed it had tear ducts, which will coming in the iPhone 9, I’m sure. And that may might even make your phone so upset that it would, indeed, divorce you.

After all, I’m pretty sure that as smart as iPhones are, they could most definitely turn on you in an 80’s-movie-computers-take-over-the-world kinda way if you pushed them.

And so, because I like to be helpful, here’s my list of the Top 10 Reasons that Your iPhone Might Divorce You:

10. Your iPhone might divorce you if you use it’s superior technology and amazing touch screen abilities (especially the “pinch to zoom” function) to play the app “Pimple Pop.”:

9. Your iPhone might divorce you if you let your toddler play their games on it – with NO case at all to protect it from certain danger.

8. Your iPhone might divorce you if you let your wife use your phone with NO case on it – your wife who may (hypothetically) have a very sharply-edged diamond ring (that YOU gave her, for the record) – and she accidentally slides her diamond ring against your beautifully unmarred screen, leaving a two-inch scratch down the front of it.

(This may or may not have happened to Chris’ first iPhone. I may or may not have waited a few weeks to own up to my damages. I also may or may not have sweated my life away for a whole weekend waiting for him to notice and break out into tears.)

7. Your iPhone might divorce you if you Bedazzle it.
especially if you take away all it’s manhood and bedazzle it with “Hello Kitty”.

(Because all iPhones are men, right?)

6. Your iPhone might divorce you if you use it as a coaster, or as a hard, flat surface on which to apply your fingernail polish.

5. Although iPhones have wonderful tracking abilities through apps such as iPregnancy and Task Manager and are more than happy to allow themselves to be used to make your life more organized, if you use it to track your POO, it just might divorce you.

4. Your iPhone might divorce you if you only use it to make phone calls.

3. Your iPhone might divorce you if you dare buy the app iFrenchKiss and yes, actually practice your abilities ON your iPhone screen.

All iPhones are, after all, germophobes.

And these last two may not make your iPhone divorce you, but they are ways that your iPhone might get YOU divorced:

2. Your iPhone might get you divorced if you start your marriage out by proposing with an iProposal.

If you’re geeky enough to use this app and even think that it’s a possibility that your (hopeful) wife is geeky enough to appreciate it (which is really, REALLY not likely), please at least have more than an iRing to offer her.

1. And your iPhone might (or most certainly would) get you divorced if your wife finds your “I Am A Man” app in which you’ve been tracking her moods and “such”…

….and then finds out that there’s more than one woman that you’re tracking.

Unless you’re on TLC’s new polygamist show Sister Wives, this app is NOT for you.

Having Two Index Fingers is SO Redundant.

October 1, 2010 Rachel Callahan Just My Luck, Kids: The Experience.

Ali is determined to lose a finger.

Not in a quick it’s-done kinda way, like, say, chopping it off, but more in a slow, painful, death-by-strangulation kind of way.

(Which reminds me that when I was a kid, I believed that body parts, when they had their circulation cut off, went through a very specific color changing process: First they turned white, then red, then blue, then green, then purple, then black, then they immediately and without hesitation fell off.)

(I was careful to always stop at purple.)

Finger Removal Attempt #1:

I usually let her play in her room in the mornings while I do my bible study (that is, if I’m too lazy to get up before she does, a side effect that Noah has had on me more often than not as of late.) She usually just arranges her stuffed animals, puts on ALL of her dress-up clothes, or locates toys that she thought were lost forever.

A few mornings ago, she played in her room, then watched Dora while I took a shower, THEN we headed downstairs for breakfast. When I was at the bottom of the stairs and she was at the top, she said, “Look Mommy! I put on a ring while I was playing!!”

Obviously, I couldn’t see from the bottom of the stairs and so just assumed that it was one of her play rings and gave the “Oh that’s beautiful!” expected answer.

About halfway through breakfast, I happened to notice that her index finger was QUITE swollen and purple.

I looked further down it…and realized that she had gotten out her tiny hair rubber bands and had put at least 50 of them onto her finger, piled on top of each other in a strangling heap, where they had stayed all the way through playtime, Dora, and breakfast.

I managed to peel them all off JUST before her finger turned black and immediately fell off.

Finger Removal Attempt #2:

Last week.

On Wednesdays, it is imperative that she get down for a nap at a normal time so that she gets up in enough time to go to Cubbies. So I put her down for her nap and gave her strict instructions to go STRAIGHT to sleep – no playing or talking.

She usually obeys strict instructions.

I thought she had obeyed my strict instructions.

Everything was quiet for nearly an hour.

Then I hear the sound that No Mamma wants to hear an hour into what they THOUGHT had been naptime: a completely calm and unsleepy and obviously-not-having-slept-a-wink voice saying, “Hey Mommy…Hey Mommy…I need you for a second.”

I go upstairs, irritated already.

She tells me in the dark, “Hey Mommy, I got my bunny’s neck-hole stuck around my finger and it won’t come off.”

I feel her finger. It’s huge. And swollen. And probably purple.

“Hey Mommy, it’s stuck. I put Baxter Bear’s neck-hole on my finger all the time and it doesn’t get stuck…but Bunny’s neck-hole does.”

What the heck is a neck-hole??

I turn on the light.

Ahhh…a neck-hole is the bow around Bunny’s neck. Except that it is now a Boa Constrictor. Or at least acting like one on her finger.

And yup, it’s purple.

I STILL can’t get the ribbon to come off, and it’s obvious by the size and coloration of her finger that it’s been on there the ENTIRE non-nap, and she’s been probably trying (very quietly) to remove it the ENTIRE non-nap.

I finally gave up, got scissors, and unceremoniously removed Bunny’s neck-hole, leaving quite the REAL hole in his neck.

Serves him right.

That night at Cubbies, she told Gramamma about her neck-hole issues.

“Oh yeah, she did the SAME thing at my house last time!!”

So naturally, I put Ali under strict orders to no longer play with ANYONE’S neck holes, or ALL neck-holes would be violently eradicated.

So naturally, she found a new way to get stuck during what was supposed to be naptime:

Having two feet is SO redundant.

Lisa Leonard Trunk Show Meet-Up and $50 Giveaway!!

September 29, 2010 Rachel Callahan Alabama Bloggers, Giveaways and Contests, Newsflash

If you haven’t heard of Lisa Leonard yet, it’s time that you’re introduced. She is a fabulous jewelry designer and blogger that has completely charmed the social media world with her creativity, gorgeous designs, friendliness, photography, and beautiful writing.

As a mom of two, she has a knack for creating jewelry to touch the hearts of Moms. But of course, her jewelry isn’t just for Moms – she has amazing pieces for everyone.

Lisa is coming all the way from California to Birmingham on October 15th to record a segment for Talk of Alabama, and while she’s here, she would love to meet you!!!

Whether you’re a blogger, a Mommy, a business woman – whoever you are, you’re invited to a meet-up with Lisa!!She’ll have pieces from her amazing jewelry collection on site to admire and purchase, and she will even be giving some of it away!!

The meet-up/Trunk Show will be from 12-2pm on Friday, October 15th at the jennifer harwell art gallery in the Regions Harbert Plaza Downtown.

But we need help getting the word out!! So we are giving away a $50 gift certificate now to Lisa’s online store! If you would like to be entered into the drawing to win, simply tweet, facebook, or blog about the event, and come back here and comment to enter! Feel free to enter whether you can attend or not!! Link to your announcement in your comment if you can, and make sure I have a way to contact you via email or twitter if you win!!

And yes, if you blog, tweet, AND facebook about it, you get three entries! Just be sure to leave separate comments for your entries.

If you tweet about it, be sure to include @lisaleonard in your tweet, and a link back to this blog post for all of the details.

Here’s a sample tweet – feel free to use it or write your own:

Excited that @lisaleonard is coming to Alabama! Let’s meet up! http://bit.ly/LisaLeonard

If you blog about it, feel free to snag the invitation above to use in your post!

This giveaway is open until Thursday, October 14th, and the winner will be randomly selected and posted on my giveaway winners page on Friday, October 15th.

And let me know if you’ll be coming – I hope to meet you at the trunk show!!!

Disclosure: I received no compensation or review products for this giveaway. My opinions are always my own.

Alabama Gameday Fashion Photo Scavenger Hunt.

September 29, 2010December 2, 2013 Rachel Callahan Don't Listen to my Fashion Advice, Football and I have a Complicated Relationship, Gameday Fashion, Giveaways and Contests, I would NEVER take too many pictures. . .

We get to Tuscaloosa on Saturdays bright and early in the morning, regardless of game time. And so, on late gamedays like this coming up Saturday, I have plenty of time to ~~photograph the oddities~~ people watch.

And believe me, Gameday Fashion offers a LOT of people watching opportunities.

And since I love a good Scavenger Hunt, I decided to write one.

These are all things that you SHOULD be able to spot on a football Saturday in Tuscaloosa. And most of them you could probably still spot if you’re watching the game on TV.

If you’re going to be in Tuscaloosa Saturday (or any coming up Saturdays), I hereby challenge you to take my Photo Scavenger Hunt with you and see how many of these you can spot and photograph. If anyone actually takes my challenge, I promise to find a great prize to give out to at least one winner. And definitely feel free to pass this on to anyone you know that WILL be in Tuscaloosa.

And, if you’re not ever going to be in Tuscaloosa, that’s okay too. Just sit back and enjoy the craziness that ensues… because I’ve included a few example photos from my past photographical endeavors.

Alabama Gameday Fashion Photo Scavenger Hunt

A Houndstooth bow bigger than your head. These can usually be found on dresses, but you get an extra point if you spot one engulfing some poor child’s head.

A kid in a cheerleading outfit that is WAY too old to be in a cheerleading outfit.
A girl trying to walk the whole campus in stiletto heels taller than Bear Bryant himself. One extra point if it’s a rainy or muddy day.
At least 5 sorority girls all together and ALL wearing UGG boots – not dependent on the weather.

Someone ELSE taking photos of all of the crazy fashion. Ten extra points if it’s me. :)
Houndstooth Rainboots. On a non-rainy day.
An Alabama Tattoo. Bonus points for each consecutive Alabama tattoo on the same person.

A man wearing a Kilt (see above – 100 bonus points if you actually find THAT guy – he’s not hard to spot).
A girl wearing a skirt shorter than her purse.

A fan wearing a random non-related-to-the-game-school shirt – extra points for the complete randomness of the school, such as the Maryland Terrapins.
Two different houndstooth prints on the same person.

An Auburn fan.
A shirt that is about Alabama Football AND drinking.
Houndstooth pants. Full length. On a man.

An Outfit that makes you dizzy. Extra points if you’re still able to photograph it despite your dizzy state.

A Wardrobe Malfunction.

Someone that looks totally unaware that they’re even at a football game of any sort.

An opposing team’s fan that makes all Alabama fans look sane. (These are most easily found when Alabama plays LSU.)

A man’s khaki pants with some sort of embroidering on them. Elephants, Alabama A’s, etc. (Men + Pants + Embroidering = Only happens at football games. An ironic combination of the femininity of embroidering and the masculinity of football…one I’ll never understand.)

Someone in a unrelated-to-football bizarre costume of some sort.

A Houndstooth Print that is so large it looks like somebody put their dress in a copy machine and punched in “Enlarge 8000%”
Someone so bizarre that no one would believe you if you DIDN’T photograph it.

May you not get beaten up by a cranky-yet-bizarre fan or hit over the head with a stiletto heel.

Pleading Insanity Due To Internal Parasite.

September 27, 2010 Rachel Callahan I embarrass myself just for your amusement., Pregnancy: The Psychoses.

Pregnancy is a voluntary state of insanity.

It makes you do things, think things, and eat things that you would have never DREAMED of doing, thinking, or eating before nor (ohISoHope) after.

Ali and I went to lunch with Ashley, AJ, and Tessa last week. After lunch, we walked down the street to a local bakery. We got each of the girls a cookie, then sat at a table to let them eat their treat.

I’m not usually a cookie kinda girl. Especially the type they were having – completely iced sugar cookies, airbrushed and shaped into butterflies. WAY too sweet. Definitely not my thing.

But they just looked So. Darn. Good.

Luckily for me, I have a generous kid.

“Can I have a bite?”

“Sure!”

Mmmm…they taste even better than they look.

AT THIS POINT, a sane person would have simply walked up to the counter and bought a $1.50 cookie of their own. I mean, how hard is that?

But for some reason, I didn’t. A decision I shall rue for quite some time.

I just sat there and lusted after their cookies.

Ashley’s parents were walking by, and so they stopped in and were visiting with us.

I couldn’t very well ask Ali for ANOTHER bite and look like a total PreggoPig. It would just be uncouth.

While all of us were talking and I was thoroughly distracted, Noah took the opportunity to, yet again, completely hijack my mind AND body.

I noticed a big crumb on the table – must’ve fallen off my cookie bite. And without hesitation or thinking about it, I reached down, picked it up, and popped that crumb into my mouth.

From the table.

And, as I ate said crumb, I all of a sudden realized: That was not a crumb off of Ali’s cookie. That was a crumb off of a Petit Four.

We didn’t have any Petit Fours.

Which meant it belonged to the previous user of the table. Or maybe the one before that.

OHMYGOODNESSWHATHAVEIDONE?!?!?!

Then, my mind went into manic overdrive…

Seriously?? Did I just pick up a large crumb off the TABLE of a PUBLIC ESTABLISHMENT and eat it???

Did Ashley see it?

Did her parents see it?!?!?!?

Did that crumb come off of the person’s Petit Four before or after it touched their mouth??

Did I just swallow a horrible disease?? At least we’re in a snobby part of town. “Ladies Who Do Lunch in Fancy Dresses” eat here. Surely they’re not disease-ridden.

But then again, what if the Ladies Who Do Lunch in Fancy Dresses are the Desperate Housewifey type…ew!!

Maybe if I drink a lot of my coke really quickly, it will wash the germs straight through me.

Nope. I still feel gross.

I really want a cookie. Those cookies were much better than that Petit Four crumb.

Funny…I usually like Petit Fours.

It was probably stale.

WHAT AM I THINKING?!?!?!?

I really want a cookie.

******

But no, I still did not go buy a cookie. Mainly to punish Noah for his ridiculously disgusting behavior.

….I just REALLY hope that he doesn’t develop a taste for Placenta.