ATTENTION ALABAMA FANS!!

HAVE YOU BEEN INJURED???

EXTREMELY RECENT STUDIES HAVE PROVEN THAT SUCCESSFUL ALABAMA FOOTBALL, WHEN TAKEN IN VERY LARGE AMOUNTS IN CONJUNCTION WITH AN INEVITABLE BITTER LOSS (with its corollary implications that could deny Alabama a chance to repeat based on their 1-loss and their weak nonconference schedule, weak already with the mighty Georgia State Panthers scheduled late in the season, and getting weaker by the day thanks to Joe Paterno), CAN poison_signCAUSE DETRIMENTAL SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO UNCONTROLLABLE ANGER, HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, DEPRESSION, THROWING OBJECTS, KICKING (AND THEREFORE STUBBING TOES) ON FURNITURE, AND MENTAL ANGUISH.

ALTHOUGH THESE SIDE EFFECTS ARE MOST COMMONLY FOUND IN MALES, A GROWING alabama_logo1PERCENTAGE OF FEMALES HAVE BEEN FOUND TO BE AFFECTED ALSO.

BUT, EVEN IF YOU WERE NOT DIRECTLY AFFECTED, YOU MAY HAVE SUFFERED SECONDARILY DUE TO CONTRACTION OF COMPLICATIONS BY SPOUSES AND SIGNIFICANT OTHERS.

IF YOU OR A LOVED ONE HAS BEEN EXPOSED TO ALABAMA FOOTBALL AND HAS CONSEQUENTLY SUFFERED FROM ANY OF THESE COMPLICATIONS, CONTACT US IMMEDIATELY TO HAVE YOUR CASE REVIEWED BY A SPECIALIST! YOU MAY BE ELIGIBLE FOR MONETARY COMPENSATION, POST TRAUMATIC STRESS COUNSELING, FOOTBALL REHAB, REFUND OF SEASON TICKET PURCHASES, OR, IF INJURIES SUSTAINED WERE SERIOUS ENOUGH, YOU MAY EVEN BE ENTITLED TO A PERSONAL APOLOGY FROM NICK SABAN HIMSELF!!

FURTHERMORE, IF AN ALABAMA FOOTBALL LOSS OVERDOSE OCCURRED ON YOUR BIRTHDAY, YOU MAY BE ENTITLED TO EVEN GREATER COMPENSATION, INCLUDING MONETARY SPOILING, SHOPPING TRIPS, FLOWERS, AND POSSIBLY EVEN A REPEAT BIRTHDAY.

SO DON’T DELAY! CALL NOW TO BEGIN THE PROCESS OF RECEIVING WHAT YOU DESERVE!!!

No representation is made that the quality of football performed is greater than the quality of football performed by other teams. As if that wasn’t already obvious.


Disclaimer: I had a lovely birthday weekend date in Atlanta, sleeping comfortably for the first time in months in a wonderfully cozy king sized bed surrounded by 28 pillows (of which I may need to rent for the duration of my pregnancy), and eating delightful meals with my even more delightful husband.

There might have been a period of about three hours during our weekend date that was traumatic, but after taking Chris, in his dejected and defeated state, to a memory-erasing clinic similar to the one in “Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind”, all traces of his tumultuous and painful relationship with the above mentioned football team have been permanently erased from his memory.

In fact, he is now convinced that he is a Maryland Terrapins fan.

It’s just better that way.

Leave your comment below!

Comments

  1. Awesome Rachel! Love it but a Terrapins fan? That's reaching a tad far isn't it? ;)

  2. sweethomealagirl says:

    Love it! And happy birthday month :)

  3. Happy Birthday Rachel and I thought about you while the game was going on. I'm not sure what movie you were referencing so I am trying not to draw any conclusions…but I hope you had a really really good time!

  4. So glad that you had a great w/e. When "the traumatic event" occurred, I wondered what was going on with your celebration. I feared the worst. Glad to hear that the fun times, in the immortal words of Tim Gunn, carried on.

  5. Elizabeth says:

    Glad to hear your birthday weekend went well! I do, however, have to disagree with the point you made about Alabama having a weak schedule. We play Arkansas, Florida, LSU, South Carolina, & Auburn! None of those teams are in a list that I would consider weak. And I think a lot of other teams have much easier schedules. But any how, that's just my opinion and me being the die hard bama fan that I am :P Happy Birthday! :)

  6. Liz – that part was added by Chris (anything technical about football can be assumed not from me), and I think the key word was weak NONCONFERENCE schedule. I agree – the SEC schedule is crazy hard.

  7. Kitty Engle says:

    That is a great post for all us Bammers.

  8. This Is The Day says:

    Glad you had a great birthday weekend (other than the 3 hours) glad you were able to fix things. :)

  9. I think there are hundreds of thousands of Bama fans all over the state suffering from many of these conditions this week :)

  10. c.a. Marks says:

    Happy Birthday and I had no idea you were pregnant! Double congratulations.

    Now about the football thing, I was expecting the Bama fans to call for Nick Saban to be fired for a loss. Oh my!

  11. Stephanie says:

    Yay for happy birthdays!!!!!!! And pillows! Pillows are awesome!

  12. Oh I'm so glad you were able to sleep – that is just the worst! And glad you had a good birthday!! I think I need to contact the agency you mentioned and get an apology from Saban… or maybe some monetary compensation… it was certainly a sad 3 or so hours – but we'll get 'em next time! Watch out Ole Miss! RTR!!

  13. Too funny! I'm sad to say that I might have this illness as much as I hate to type that.

  14. Ha! Our posts are similarly themed but yours is SOOOOO clever.

    And yes, I am injured.

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