HAVE YOU BEEN INJURED???
EXTREMELY RECENT STUDIES HAVE PROVEN THAT SUCCESSFUL ALABAMA FOOTBALL, WHEN TAKEN IN VERY LARGE AMOUNTS IN CONJUNCTION WITH AN INEVITABLE BITTER LOSS (with its corollary implications that could deny Alabama a chance to repeat based on their 1-loss and their weak nonconference schedule, weak already with the mighty Georgia State Panthers scheduled late in the season, and getting weaker by the day thanks to Joe Paterno), CAN CAUSE DETRIMENTAL SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO UNCONTROLLABLE ANGER, HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, DEPRESSION, THROWING OBJECTS, KICKING (AND THEREFORE STUBBING TOES) ON FURNITURE, AND MENTAL ANGUISH.
BUT, EVEN IF YOU WERE NOT DIRECTLY AFFECTED, YOU MAY HAVE SUFFERED SECONDARILY DUE TO CONTRACTION OF COMPLICATIONS BY SPOUSES AND SIGNIFICANT OTHERS.
IF YOU OR A LOVED ONE HAS BEEN EXPOSED TO ALABAMA FOOTBALL AND HAS CONSEQUENTLY SUFFERED FROM ANY OF THESE COMPLICATIONS, CONTACT US IMMEDIATELY TO HAVE YOUR CASE REVIEWED BY A SPECIALIST! YOU MAY BE ELIGIBLE FOR MONETARY COMPENSATION, POST TRAUMATIC STRESS COUNSELING, FOOTBALL REHAB, REFUND OF SEASON TICKET PURCHASES, OR, IF INJURIES SUSTAINED WERE SERIOUS ENOUGH, YOU MAY EVEN BE ENTITLED TO A PERSONAL APOLOGY FROM NICK SABAN HIMSELF!!
FURTHERMORE, IF AN ALABAMA FOOTBALL LOSS OVERDOSE OCCURRED ON YOUR BIRTHDAY, YOU MAY BE ENTITLED TO EVEN GREATER COMPENSATION, INCLUDING MONETARY SPOILING, SHOPPING TRIPS, FLOWERS, AND POSSIBLY EVEN A REPEAT BIRTHDAY.
SO DON’T DELAY! CALL NOW TO BEGIN THE PROCESS OF RECEIVING WHAT YOU DESERVE!!!
No representation is made that the quality of football performed is greater than the quality of football performed by other teams. As if that wasn’t already obvious.
Disclaimer: I had a lovely birthday weekend date in Atlanta, sleeping comfortably for the first time in months in a wonderfully cozy king sized bed surrounded by 28 pillows (of which I may need to rent for the duration of my pregnancy), and eating delightful meals with my even more delightful husband.
There might have been a period of about three hours during our weekend date that was traumatic, but after taking Chris, in his dejected and defeated state, to a memory-erasing clinic similar to the one in “Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind”, all traces of his tumultuous and painful relationship with the above mentioned football team have been permanently erased from his memory.
In fact, he is now convinced that he is a Maryland Terrapins fan.
It’s just better that way.