People of Wal-Mart: The Live Show.

Wal-Mart.

I’d rather dance through a hunting reserve in a deer costume than go to Wal-Mart. Ever.

There’s just something about the atmosphere there that immediately stresses me out – I’m pretty sure God removed His presence from all Wal-Marts many years ago after one too many scary human sightings.

No matter how little I appreciate Target’s underwhelming sales events, they are Miley Cyrus in Hannah Montana and Wal-Mart is Miley Cyrus on stage with Robin Thicke.

Target is Lindsay Lohan in the Parent Trap and Wal-Mart is a conglomeration of every horrific iteration of Lindsay Lohan since.

Target is Instagram and Wal-Mart is Reddit.

Target is Anthony Bourdain and Wal-Mart is Adam Richman with Guy Fieri’s hair.

You get the point.

But it was my husband’s birthday.

And I love my husband. I love my husband so much that I was willing to put aside my from-scratch baking ideals and make him his favorite boxed cake.

Chris Birthday Cake

(And let the kids decorate it to death.)

I love my husband so much that I was willing to go the one and only place that still carries his favorite cake mix, Butter Pecan.

Yes. That place is Miley/Lohan/Reddit/Richman/Fieri-Mart.

I steeled my resolve, prayed blessings over my children, and managed to not have a wreck in the parking lot that is eternally a scene out of Independence Day right after the Aliens start shooting up the world.

I forced Noah to sit in the cart like an infant because I needed to minimize my distractions to make it through the American Ninja Warrior challenge to come. I could hear the commentators in my head.

Let’s see if Rachel can turn sideways quickly enough to avoid the lady in the electric shopping cart who can clearly walk but chooses not to do so. She did it – without even glaring when the Scooter tried to cut her off at the last minute!

Oh! She needs to duck! There are cans falling off the shelf due to an over-forceful stock boy.

Can she keep her three year old properly contained in the cart? No she cannot. But then again, who could?

Will she step on the fit-pitching child in the middle of the aisle? Rachel will get 100 points deducted if she does, and 500 points deducted if she rolls over him with the shopping cart, no matter how much he deserves it.

It’s time for Rachel to scour every tub of frosting looking for cream cheese – You can see her wheels turning, wondering WHAT CRAZY PERSON CAME IN HERE AND BOUGHT EVERY SINGLE TUB OF EVERY SINGLE BRAND OF CREAM CHEESE FROSTING?!?!

We got our cake mix, found the last elusive tubs of Cream Cheese Frosting, I allowed the children to shop for birthday presents to give their Daddy (Legos – obviously), and we made it up to the row of registers with minimal point deductions.

30 registers….5 with lights on.

The second round of competition began at picking the register least likely to turn on their blinky light for a price check…or worse.

We picked the last one in the row. Only one lady in line, and she only had four items.

What could go wrong??

That’s when I noticed that she was more blinding than The Star in the East.

I looked up to find the source of her light.

She was wearing a silver-sequined fedora – the kind you’d buy at Party City for a Tacky New Year’s Eve get-together. Her fishnet hose had such giant spaces between the fish nets that a school of Tuna could escape without breaking a scale. She was wearing peep toe shimmering heels, a cock-eyed black skirt with a separate silver sequined skirt hanging out from underneath, and a black business suit jacket…with more silver sequins poking out around the collar.

At first I thought she was also wearing a parole ankle monitor over her fishnets, but then I realized she just had the two biggest anklets ever created, but both still slightly smaller than ten out of twelve of the rings she was somehow managing to keep steady around her fingers.

When I got close enough to see what was going on, I realized she was singing. Softly at first, swaying back and forth minimally. The song swelled and her hips began gyrating.

In the name of Jesus you ain’t gonna take my money!

In the name of Jesus you ain’t gonna take my money!

In the name of Jesus you ain’t gonna take my money!

I don’t think that’s what He meant when He said “If you ask anything in my Name…”

The cashier just watched, with a level, bored, I’ve-seen-this-type-of-routine-every-day-I’ve-worked-here expression on her face.

“Ma’am. They’re $1.97. I’m sorry.”

I looked down and saw the item in question: a box of Candy Crush Gummy Snacks.

The song resumed, this time on the second verse.

They were a dollar last week and they were a dollar before that.

In the name of Jesus you ain’t gonna take my money!

You will need to adjust that price down to a dollar.

There was other bartering going on as well, one item in question being a neon pink sequined headband that had a clearance tag for fifty cents. Apparently the disappointment in the gummy snack price made her decide that this, too, was an outrage, so she threw the fuchsia headband onto the back of the conveyor belt.

I felt it was best, as she clearly had a silver sequin theme working for her.

“I need to talk to a manager or something. These gummies should be a dollar – they’ve always been a dollar and in the name of JESUS you ain’t gonna take my money!”

“I can’t adjust a price. Why don’t you pay for everything else you want, then you can go talk to a manager.”

She pulled from her pocket a large medicine bottle with the label ripped off. Through the amber plastic, I could see wadded up money and what looked like a couple of fake fingernails that had worked their way loose.

She sang under her breath as she pulled out the bills.

Apparently, Miss Sequins was also a magician, because as the clerk was bagging up her purchases, she found the pink headband in the bag.

“Ma’am. You didn’t pay for this. You said you didn’t want it. Do you want to buy it?”

“Uhhh! YES…I’ll buy it. How much is it?”

“Fifty-five cents with tax.”

“Fine! Just a minute.”

Out came the pill box again, where she pulled out a single bill from betwixt the fingernails.

(At this point I was just glad I didn’t spot any actual fingers in that bottle.)

She danced off with her bag in one hand and the gummies in the other. I assumed those gummies would magically move to the bag and she’d be walking out in no time.

The cashier and I made eye contact. She shrugged her shoulders and said “The characters you get in here…”

I laughed sympathetically and prayed that my children wouldn’t do anything to send this poor soul over the edge.

While she rung up my purchases, my eyes wandered down a few registers where Sequins had found herself a manager. Her dance was even more animated and her song had the passion of Adele after being stood up for a date.

In the name of Jesus you ain’t gonna take my money!

In the name of Jesus you ain’t gonna take my money!

In the name of Jesus you ain’t gonna take my money!

As I finished checking out, Sequins was stomping away, shimmering in the florescent Wal-Mart bulbs. She had her money and the manager was holding the gummies, watching her leave with fearful fascination.

So in the end, her song worked.

A Call for Felinism.

A guest post, by Fred the Cat.

The time has come for a revolution.

We live in America – the land of the free, the land of equal opportunity, the land of respect.

But cats, my friends, are not getting these basic rights.

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Cats are humiliated on YouTube.

Villainized by Disney.

Ignored by Government.

Scoffed in Memes.

And, in general, are kept down by The Dog.

Don’t believe me?

Nashville has FIVE municipally supported dog parks.

Atlanta has dog water bowls and canine-specific-spigots all throughout midtown. In Piedmont Park, they have a special Dog Trail and park set aside just for these pampered creatures.

Sure, you say. Atlanta and Nashville are big cities. Big cities have benefits.

But no. It’s becoming rampant Birmingham, too.

We have dog parks, doggie day cares, doggie spas, and even mobile dog grooming services. Do cats get these amenities? Never.

But the true hammer dropped on The Feline Community when my owner’s favorite nature reserve, Red Mountain Park, posted this sign near the entrance.

IMG_0767

Small Dogs, Large Dogs, and Special Needs Dogs, all with their own parks. SIX ACRES of space. Just for dogs.

WHERE, pray tell, do Special Needs Cats get to play? HOW will they ever have the opportunity to socialize with others like them? WHO will make them feel normal?

My humans, this should not be so.

Sadly, the problem isn’t just in America – cats are being discriminated against internationally. Japan even has a Luxury Dog Retirement Home, providing them access to a gym, swimming pool, and round-the-clock veterinary care for around $1,000 a month.

Humans don’t live at this retirement home, to be clear – only dogs.

And certainly not cats.

I have discussed these grievances and sought the opinion of other neighborhood felines, particularly a wise ginger named Maggie who likes to refer to herself in the third person, as cats often do.

Maggie

Here’s what she had to add to this movement’s creed.

“Maggie agrees with Fred. While she is happy to remain ensconced in her palace, she fully supports the rights of all cats to seek companionship and recreation in community. As long as it’s not in her back yard.

Maggie Backyard
Dogs are wonderful companions, to be sure, but they don’t foster the same sense of independence in an owner that a cat does by being selectively attentive. Owners must learn to stand on their own, to have self-confidence, instead of the complete codependence of a human-dog friendship. Cats also don’t require their humans to venture into the elements, unless it is to buy more food or litter.

Perhaps this is the crux of the matter.

Maggie Wise
Cats CREATE the spaces they need; they don’t have to wait for humans to designate them. As doers instead of followers, they can turn any space into a party, from the public park to the Mario Brothers-like sewer system. While recognition of a cat’s need for community would be nice, we don’t esteem the human opinion enough to truly need this kind of external validation.”

Maggie makes good points.

But nevertheless I weep daily at the injustice.

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AND SO SHOULD YOU.

You say you care about freedom. You salute your flag as if it means something. You get teary-eyed during the national anthem.

Yet freedom doesn’t ring for felines. Who could bring a kitten into this world with a clear conscience?

The time is now. The place is here. Let’s join together and make the world a better place.

We must stand!

We must fight!

We must claw our way to equality!

We must be The Whiskers of Change!

We must join together, paw in paw, as Felinists.

A Time to FitBit.

Really, it was all the old man’s fault.

He was ambling around the edge of the cliff at Weathington Park, offering to take everyone’s picture with their phone.

I don’t know if he was doing some sort of undercover operation to plant a tracking device on everyone’s phone or what, but he was quite insistent.

I was the only one on the ledge that day with a DSLR. I handed him my camera, which is pretty hefty compared to the variety of phones he’d been using.

“Whoa. Is this thing going to kick back?”

“Maybe a little. All you need to do is push this black button.”

“Which button?”

“This one.”

“Okay. Where is it?”

“Riiiight here.”

I placed his finger on the button, then Chris and I posed at the cliff and smiled, somewhat plastically.

Old Man stared at the backside of my camera.

“I can’t see anything! Are you sure this thing is on?”

“Yes sir. You have to look in the the viewfinder.”

“The who-what?”

“The little hole at the top of the camera.”

“OOOOH. Okay. Say cheese! HOLY COW I DIDN’T KNOW THIS THING WAS A SEMI-AUTOMATIC! How many pictures did I just take?”

“It’s no problem. Thank you!”

I quickly saved my camera from further misunderstandings and we moved on. Later, I looked at his photography portfolio.

Most of them contained my hand in front of my face, trying to arrest a bunch of stray strands that gathered there at just the wrong moment.

There was only one where my hand was just barely blurring. But the photo disagreed with me, as do most photos of myself these days.

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Granted, it wasn’t that bad of a picture. But for some reason it was the picture that I could see every one of the fifteen pounds I’ve gained in the past year. I can blame it on the medicine all I want, but it’s still there and it still bothers me.

I’ve tried to convince myself to exercise and get back to using Lose It a few times over the past year, but I lacked motivation, and was in general too tired from those same stupid medications to keep it up. And really, the real reason I need to exercise is not for vanity, but because Dysautonomia’s two main solutions are drinking ridiculous amounts of water and exercising regularly.

…But it’s counterintuitive since simply standing up can double my heart rate – it doesn’t exactly feel like running would be the best idea.

And also, the only two times I’ve ever been successful at losing weight also happened to be when I was nursing my children. And I can’t lactate on command, therefore I’ve been demotivated ever since.

But still. I knew it was possible.

Here were my before and after photos while nursing Noah:

BeforeAndAfterMaking milk: Does the body good.

But it was time. It had to be done. With or without my mammary glands taking part.

We got home from that trip on Sunday, and on Monday I bought myself a FitBit.

(And Chris one, too, since he’s always a good sport to play along with my geek-motivation needs.)

By Tuesday morning I was unforgivably angry with myself for not getting one years ago. For someone who is motivated by charts and graphs, a FitBit is like finding and taking up residence in The Garden of Eden.

It’s.

So.

Pretty.

FitBit Screenshot

And that’s only half of the information it gives me. ANY TIME I WANT IT.

For those of you not familiar with FitBit, it’s a tiny clip-on gadget (or bracelet, if you prefer that choice) that tracks your steps, and by doing so extrapolates all of the above information (except the water – I am manually adding that) and makes it available to you in real-time on an app and a website. Which, since I would marry a spreadsheet if I could, translates into immediate gratification – a hard thing for me to get from exercise.

(And even the manual water entry is made super easy by standard measurements and a pretty little woman turning blue.)

FitBit Water Tracking

It also seamlessly interfaces with Lose It, which was my non-boob tool in my weight loss last time. FitBit sends Lose It the number of calories I’ve burned, Lose It sends FitBit the number of calories I’ve eaten, and both use the information to help me make wise decisions. It’s a lovely relationship.

Lose It Compared to FitBit

I know that FitBit is basically a glorified pedometer, but any organization that can take a simple tool and turn it into such a beautiful graphical representation of Doing The Right Thing is a hero in my books. Because I need goals. And I need to see how I achieved those goals. And better yet, I need to compete and beat everyone in my path.

(Until Chris ruins everything with his 14 mile Saturday morning runs and taunts me on Twitter.)

FitBit Tweet
(But that’s exactly the kind of competition I need. Because by Monday morning, I had fought my way back on top.)

FitBit Competition copy

…And he thought he was so special because he runs a half-marathon every Saturday.

Mm hmm – Motherhood takes more steps.

(Well, Motherhood plus an intense need to beat one’s husband.)

But back to FitBit. It gives you goals in every area that you could possibly want, offers beautiful and drill-downable charts and graphs of every kind, changes colors from blue to yellow to red to green as you achieve those goals, and allows you to compete with all your friends, and in general completes me.

FitBit Dashboard

It EVEN offers a premium package where you can compare yourself to all the humans. UNIVERSAL BENCHMARKING.

I expect to break down and buy the expanded software within days.

It’s been a full week now, and I have felt fantastic six out of seven days, free of Dysautonomia symptoms. It could be a coincidence, or it could be because I finally found the right tool to reward me with pretty colors when I do the right thing.

At any rate, I’m hooked.

(But whether this pretty software makes up for my lack of lactation remains to be seen.)


If you have a FitBit and want to further my motivation by becoming my friend, my email address is graspingforobjectivity@gmail.com.

For the Record: I was not compensated by FitBit to write this nor did they ask me to nor do they know I’m writing it. But if they want to give me that premium package for free, I’d totally take it. FitBit? Are you listening?

A Brief Analysis of Doc McStuffins.

Doc McStuffins logo.png

My kids were late the the Stuffin party, but we arrived with gusto and obsession.

Doc is now the preferable cartoon above all others – including but not limited to Sophia the First, Jake and the Neverland Pirates, Team Umizoomi, and even the revered My Little Pony.

(Which is a shame because the latter show is the only kid’s show worth watching.)

(Seriously. Unlike the sham of a My Little Pony that I had as a kid, the latest rendition is quality television. It’s like the M*A*S*H of the cartoon world. Why else would tens of thousands of Bronies exist? Even adult men can appreciate Twilight Sparkle and the Magic of Friendship.)

But back to Doc.

She’s not Number One on my list of most annoying cartoon characters, but I do have some issues with her.

Let’s discuss.

1. Does she have a first name? Her parents call her Doc, her brother calls her Doc, her friends-she-hardly-sees-because-she’s-too-busy-with-her-fantasy-life call her Doc. Was her Doctor Mom simply so narcissistic that she had to name her firstborn child after her career choice?

(If so, then my friend who works at the wastewater treatment plant really missed one heck of an opportunity.)

Or does she have an elusive first name but Doc has everyone so severely bought into her playworld-in-which-she-won’t-let-any-of-them-participate that no one uses it? I mean, I insisted on being called Carmen Sandiego for a while, but c’mon, Doc, it’s been four seasons. Give the family a break.

(I’m considering insisting on being called Veronica Mars next. She’s my new I-Wanna-Be-A-Detective HERO.)

2. Does Doc’s lab coat ever get washed? Or is her closet full of nothing but white lab coats? Because I am a Mom. And my children don’t own any white clothing. The only Moms who dare tiptoe into the world of white children’s clothing are those that buy $40 white t-shirts with their kid’s name embroidered over a sailboat. And there’s no sailboat on that lab coat. Therefore, we can clearly assume that the writers are not Moms or they would see this glaring continuity issue.

3. Speaking of continuity, how am I supposed to explain the chasm between Toy Story, where the toys only talk when no one is in the room, and Doc McStuffins, where apparently Doc possesses the only power in the known universe to be in the presence of toys when they talk?

Because my kid is a thinker.

And she asks about this conundrum regularly.

And I have no acceptable answer.

4. But most importantly, Doc has led many a child astray with the “It will only tickle a little” line.

I can only imagine how much real doctors and nurses despise Doc for her blatant lies and unrealistic expectations that she’s forcing onto young, impressionable minds. As such, I need to see an episode when it’s time for Doc to go to the actual doctor and get four or more immunizations. I imagine it’d go something like this…

Doc: “OOOOOW!! What the HALLIE?!? That actually HURT! And wait – AM I BLEEDING?!? WHY! AM! I! BLEEDING!!!”

Lambie:“Quit flailing your arm – I thought you were a professional! Now I have blood splattered all over me!! I wanna cuddle.”

Chilly: **faints**

Because if I were her nurse, I’d jab her just a little harder than necessary.

How to Use Essential Oils: A Step-By-Step Guide.

1. You will receive your first (and second, third, and four hundredth) introduction to Essential Oils via your favorite social network – most likely Facebook. This glorious day in your life will occur when you happen to mention any form of personal discomfort. A headache, scabies, a sword wound, or split ends. If the stars shine down upon your confession, you will have commenters on your status. These commenters will bring you into The Age of Aquarius Oil.

“Have you heard of Essential Oils?”

“If you rub just one drop of Lavender Oil on that sword wound, it will clear right up!”

“Can I bring you over some samples really quick? I can rub that Scabies out the back door!”

You have begun to step out of your chrysalis and into REAL LIFE.

A Guide To Essential Oils

2. You will want to keep things quiet at first – after all, oils are kinda crunchy-hippy-kale-eatin’ stuff, and you might want to make sure they actually work before you say anything. So subtly sign up under another rep and receive your first shipment of oils.

Did I mention that they’ll make it significantly cheaper for you to sign up as a rep than to just buy the stinkin’ (and I do mean that literally) oils? That’s okay, you’ll tell yourself – I’m just doing it for the oils.

3. Receive your oils. You may find your nose hairs running for cover up into your sinus cavities upon the initial opening. Your children will hold their noses, screaming as they run from the Blessed Package. Don’t worry – the whole city won’t smell you when you start rubbing that stuff onto every square inch of your body – it will absorb and cure every ailment you didn’t know you had.

4. This will not stop your husband from routinely commenting “What is that SMELL?!” when you come to bed at night.

5. Everyone tells you that a capsule of Peppermint and Lemon Oil a day will make you a better person, a lighter person, a more detoxified person, and a more energetic person. You will stay home that first day because you will absolutely be energetically running to the bathroom all day long.

6. Just like Cloth-Diapering, CrossFit, and Eating Organic, Oil Success doesn’t really occur unless you share it on Facebook. So you will begin crafting your own statuses about these dews of the gods.

“This morning, my appendix burst and I went completely septic. But instead of emergency surgery, I just dabbed on a bit of Thieves Oil. In an hour, I was fine – and I got to keep my appendix. Because I believe in being WHOLE.”

“I quit using tampons and instead simply put a drop of Blood Orange Oil on my lower abdomen. No more periods!! It’s like God forgave The Curse when He gave us these oils.”

“My hair was falling out in handfuls every time I took a shower. But now I just rub a drop of peach oil on my scalp every morning and I have the most beautiful head of fuzz!”

“I had diarrhea all day yesterday, but at bedtime, I rubbed two drops of peppermint oil in the dimple at the top of my butt. I still have diarrhea, but now it smells fantastic!!”

7. You quickly realize that in order to succeed in this Status-Eats-Status World, you will need to know how to defend your position against those who challenge your oils as perhaps not being the most pure, most miraculous, and least witchcrafty oil out there. So you study every oil exposé blog pinned on Pinterest. With the precision of a politician in run-off season, you will now be able to discredit the other brands in 140 characters and with an air of authoritative finality.

8. Your friends and family will be amazed and overjoyed at your new life success. They will also want relief from their periods and cysts and diphtheria! So they will sign up under you and YOU WILL BEGIN MAKING MONEY.

DOING WHAT YOU LOVE.

9. You will begin looking for opportunities to rub oils on everyone and everything in your household (the recliner is looking frayed? No worries! All it needs is a touch of Myrrh!”), but be prepared for your husband to refuse even the smallest amount of oils to cure his post-run aches and pains.

He is a MAN. He will heal NATURALLY.

(Not naturally with oils.)

But don’t worry! Because there’s now an oil called Mister.

What man could refuse an oil specifically for Misters?

That’s right. Your man.

10. You have learned so much, but will want to know the full breadth of your new abilities to cure with these oils, so you will buy the manual. There, you will read about which oils to use for Aneurysms, accidental Anthrax poisonings, Halitosis, and Dysentery! This is when you proceed to your medicine cabinet and throw out everything, declaring yourself to be the epitome of naturally cured perfection. You then go shopping and buy a new wardrobe with the money you will save on doctor co-pays this year.

11. …Until you realize that your bottle of Peppermint oil is now empty. And oh – so is the lemon. And Frankincense is how much to replace?? You can’t live without Frankincense – Even Jesus didn’t have to suffer that!

12. So you log on and begin shopping. As you browse all of the oils available, you may have questions. Such as,

Why does “Into the Future” cost $22, but “Present Time” costs $82? I’d so pay four times more to skip a few days ahead, since Thieves did NOT keep these kids of mine from getting the stomach virus.

Does “Christmas Spirit” actually provide Christmas Spirit all year round, or only when seasonally appropriate? And if I rub it on my feet, am I going to look like a doofus yelling “MEEEERRRY CHRISTMAS!!” to everyone in the Food Court in the middle of May?

“Dragon Time.” No questions there – I know exactly when I need that.

Is “Lady Sclareol” a mermaid, a Madame, or a feminine itch?

If I order “Three Wise Men,” do I get to pick the three men I get? Because Ryan Gosling seems really wise…

But questions are good! Because all of them can be answered in the three dozen Essential Facebook Groups of which you are now a member.


Now that you’re informed, I promise to go study my manual and see which blend of Transformation, Envision, and Surrender I need to treat my sarcasm.

For the sequel to this post, click here.

A Tale of a Few Cards

A good friend shared her story with me at dinner not long ago, and I insisted that she write it down. Please enjoy it heartily.

I have taken my family on a terrible rollercoaster of borrowing and lending. At times I have binged and maxed out my card. I have even occasionally missed a deadline resulting in the payment of late fees. I discovered that membership has its privileges and I enjoyed them to the fullest. I know now that it is NOT truly priceless.

My card use started early. I was raised with a platinum card in my wallet, before I even knew the value of elements. Twenty-five years ago, the Rocket Valley was emerging on the radar of modern society. The Cold War was ending and those brilliant men that decided to go places, like the moon, wanted a great education for their children and grandchildren. This community liked to do what matters most: read.

The Rocket Valley Library had two branches that I can remember. One was small and typical: books and cassettes only; the other was a huge 3-story treasure trove of all sorts of things. In the larger one, there was a whole smorgasbord of opportunity and adventure: books offered 7 days a week, summer reading programs, lectures, microfilm and current periodicals, VHS and audio cassettes, even large artwork to display in your home. Then again, I was young, so the last few things, as should be expected, had an age requirement. For everything else, there was… a child’s signature.

As I grew, I moved a few places and took my habit with me. I found that libraries were everywhere you want to be. Honestly, during college and my first years at work, I didn’t leave home without it, but I didn’t use my card very much. It wasn’t until I started having children that my insatiable appetite to have more was renewed. Eric Carle and Margaret Wise Brown were fantastic, but limiting my children and I to a meager home collection of a hungry caterpillar and a bunny going to bed did not touch the span of these authors’ work. I, nay we, needed to DO MORE! I was compelled to return to the habits of my youth.

We lived just outside a major city, Iron Mountain, which had a great library system with over a dozen branches. I knew of the high return and quality of their products. Unfortunately, as residents of Border Town, we could not automatically be approved to participate in this network; however, it pays to discover. I learned that for a small annual fee, we could indeed access all the services available.

I marched my kids into the nearest branch of Iron Mountain Library to join. The fee applied to each membership, so I paid, showed my driver’s license, signed my electronic name, and told my kids to feast since I was covering the tab. After all, with a 50 item limit, certainly we could manage to keep our borrowing in check. I assured my children that they, too, would one day earn the borrowing power that I possessed. I had found the card that pays you back.

We did pretty well for a while. Then, I started homeschooling. This life change led to bi-weekly trips to get items. I scanned my card and supplies at one of several self-checkout stations. Access was easy and typically had no waiting period. Modern technology allowed a touch of my child’s finger to checkout up to 6 items at a time. I graciously co-signed the responsibility of inventory control. In the event that I didn’t find a particular book on the shelf, I could request a book be delivered from a different branch to any branch within the network. Requests could be made using the library’s website, which held the catalog of all items in the system. Most requests were filled within 7 business days. They trusted me and sent emails to remind me of pending deadlines. Sure, we made a few mistakes, as you may do with a high balance. We controlled our own destiny.

This library was worth every late fee, replacement fee, and annual fee! It had summer programs, computers for the kids (which were upgraded to iPads as technology advanced), puppets, and large selections of books, music and movies. My students were able to research, practice with technology, and find fun things to do. The experiences in real life and in our imaginations as a result of my card use were…priceless.

My heartache was understandable when we left Border Town, moved out of state, and had to cancel our membership with Iron Mountain Library. Once again, I was in search of a service provider. I recognized I had high standards. I understood that not all cards are created equal, but all advertising confirmed that Americans everywhere like things connected and instantly. I was sure our new library would be at the forefront of community advancement.

I had found that lots of things in Rural Plains were rural and plain. It was a close-knit community, where everyone seemed to know everyone else. They were cautiously friendly to outsiders. According to the locals, Rural Plains Library was amazing, but I am sure my amazement was quite different than their feeling toward their beloved institution.

Library Hours

After several missteps in trying to get to the library during business hours, we strategically took all of our large family to experience the joy of being card-carrying members of such an elite society. I had no concern as I explained to my children that NOW we could each have all we wanted. There should be NO LIMITS to what we can do. My husband and I assumed we met all the prerequisites for application; opening an account had never been a problem before. Besides, it is an unspoken right that everyone that could write their name would be members. Although some were relatively young, our family was filled with people who fit this basic eligibility. This should be an easy in-and-out visit rich with new books to inspire and inform, right? We entered filled with zeal and hushed whispers, as we know to do in libraries.

The family was kindly greeted and sorely disappointed.

Each parent dutifully provided a valid form of ID: new local driver’s license. In turn, we were presented with a 3×5 card to complete with basic information to apply for membership. They required references – two local, non-related references who could verify residency.

This is who we knew in our new community: some distance relatives (They lived in town, right?) and the couple that lived next door (What was there last name?) After an awkward search of the phone book, we managed to piece together what we hoped would be accurate names and numbers. The librarian thanked us for the information and told us that we should expect our cards in the mail within 10 business days.

We asked about membership for the children. Since we (the parents of the children) had a pending application and were obviously not established as current residents in this upstanding community, standard terms and conditions would apply. However, in the event that our application was approved for full card benefits, their application could be expedited. Furthermore, only the students currently in first grade or above could have a card.

We returned home empty-handed and waited for our cards. We remained optimistic, believing that our high credit scores and legitimate documentation had overshadowed our outsiderness. Unbeknownst to us, our gross infraction was the use of only cell numbers with out-of-town area codes and no local landline which apparently screamed deception and untrustworthiness to the fine management of Rural Plains Library.

The cards arrived 12 days later. Not the library cards we assumed that we would receive; the 3×5 cards that we had completed upon our original application.

I apprehensively took the cards for my husband and me back to the library to sort out this befuddlement. I was once again graciously greeted, as the librarian explained that no mistake had occurred. After calling to confirm our residency with the references we provided, they had to insure that the card actually arrived at the address that was listed. Now that I had the application card again, I could receive a real card to be used for a two month probationary period. In my best penmanship, under the intense scrutiny of two librarians, I signed my first and last name on the back of the card.

Then, the librarian carefully covered my signature with a protective layer of scotch tape.

Unfortunately, since my husband had remained at home with the children, his card would have to wait. He must arrive in person so a librarian could witness his signature on his very own card as he hand-delivered the mail that was sent to his house from this fine establishment.

Two Months of probation meant only two (2!) items checked out at a time. The kids that were desperate for new reading material or a movie would rotate use of my card until I reached full membership status (which would allow 15 items congruently) before they could apply.

So, we entered purgatory trying to earn our way back into the graces of this lending warehouse…two items at a time.

Thankfully, my husband was able to exponentially increase our borrowing potential when he also became a probationary member a few days later. We were on our way back to the good life with…four items at a time.

It is just as well that we all started this new venture slowly. Because…

…It is standard procedure for the librarian to gently evaluate each book as it departs and returns to this paragon of modern civilization.

…All movies (the actual discs) and most periodicals are stored in a back area accessed only by the staff.

…Three scanners are at the librarian’s disposal: two for check-in and one for checkout.

…Only the computers at the circulation desk seem to consistently work.

…The librarian is the soul individual to be trusted with the password to unlock the computer in the children’s area…if, as she kind-heartedly commented, she can remember what it is and how to turn it on to the log on screen.

…Even the electronic card catalog stays off.

The good news is the ancient paper catalog can still be accessed. However, they stopped updating it when the new computers came in about 10 years ago. Good thing we like the classics! I also discovered a typewriter, so my kids can take that keyboarding class I was considering.

Library Adventures

I heard you can request books from other area libraries, but I think I will wait on attempting that. I was told requests are filled within 4-6 weeks, but the memberships aren’t reciprocal. Therefore, membership at the library 30 minutes down the road could affect my current membership at Rural Plains. But residents have also told me that the summer reading program can’t be missed.

Don’t worry Rural Plains! I won’t be transferring anything any time soon. I have worked too hard to get where I am.

So, this led me to ponder: WHAT’S IN YOUR WALLET? Does it have the borrowing power you had hoped? Have you used it recently? If not, take it out and use it. Because membership has its privileges.

The Summer of June Bugs.

As Chris and I sat on the lawn of Gorham’s Bluff basking in the wonders it possessed, we noticed an impressive bug convention going on around us.

Chris watched them reservedly and said “Are these ground bees or something?”

I stared down at them, waiting for one to do a fly-by for me to identify, then squealed with glee.

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“They’re JUNE BUGS!!”

He looked at me skeptically.

“Don’t tell me you’ve never tied a string around a June Bug’s leg.”

He scooted over a few inches.

I explained.

Every summer of my childhood, we anxiously awaited the arrival of June Bugs. They never came in June, though, tricky little buggars. They arrived in early July. Upon the first sighting of a glowing green back, we would run in, beg our parents for string, and set out to catch our newly arrived pets.

(It should be noted that our parents were the ones who taught us this skill, so they always had June Bug String around for us to carry on family tradition.)

We chased and chased those stupid bugs – they’re harder to catch than fireflies but easier than a fly would be if perchance anyone ever wanted to catch a fly. But they’re big and nearly incandescent so they’re easy to spot – if only they’d stay in one place for a summer second.

When we caught one, the real struggle began. Unless you’ve ever turned a flying beetle over on its back and tried to hold one of his legs still enough to tie a string around it, you really can’t understand the hardships of my childhood.

But the glory of victory – it was well worth the trial.

As mentioned, June Bugs don’t hold still for long, so once we uprighted our freshly tied new pet, he’d immediately fly away – only to find that he was now an Alabama Kite. He’d fly this way and that, and we’d hold onto our string gleefully as if we were walking our miniature flying dog around the yard.

Finally, he’d get tired and sit down.

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I would sit Indian-Style beside him (these were the days before Criss-Cross-Applesauce, obviously) and nudge him with my index finger.

“Fly, Juney! FLY!”

nudge, nudge, nudge.

June Bugs are stubborn creatures, though, and once one realizes that his only path to freedom is to be boring, he will stick at boring like a woodpecker boring through a chimney.

So we’d attempt a leg-untying, which sometimes resulted in a leg being untied and sometimes in a leg amputation, and set off to find his more gullible relative.

June Bugs were greatly anticipated summer fun – right before Lightning Bugs and right after the now-illegal high-dive at the Fraternal Order of Police swimming pool. Until the fateful summer that we had aged enough to observe these June Bugs in their natural environment. And realized that they enjoyed our yard not because of our superior skills in human-insect interaction, but because they ate our dog’s poop.

And let me tell you. Finding out your pet June Bug is actually a second cousin to the Dung Beetle can really ruin the magic of childhood.

But we persisted through our adversities. And replaced our June Bugs with pet rabbits.

…And now Chris thinks I grew up on Mars. Help me out, people – who else had flying-pets-on-a-string when you were a kid?

On Declaring Independence.

I know that you’ve all been waiting with intense anticipation for an update on the fallout of Noah’s stomach virus.

I am here for you.

I am gleeful to report that, although it did last through the night and he woke up Thursday morning with his bed in such an abominable state that if I described it I’d have to burn my blog, it did end quickly after that. And more importantly, whatever parasite he licked off of only God knows what disgusting surface was blessedly not the type that spreads to other family members.

So, gloriously, we were all free of spurting out of any orifices just in time for the holiday weekend.

And as we’d been in our-life-is-falling-apart-at-the-stomach-seams mode, we found ourselves having not planned ahead a single minute of our Fourth of July.

So we did what any loving parents would do and made our children hike two miles up a mountain in the woods.

140704b Ruffner's View of Birmingham

(With one in a diaper. JUST in case.)

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(He can’t believe I just told you that.)

On their way up the mountainside, they both managed to find gender-stereotypical pieces of nature, of which they took a moment to appreciate once we allowed them to sit down.

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Seriously guys. That was unstaged.

…As was Noah’s near-use of his rock when I actually asked them to pose for me.

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And he wonders why she doesn’t trust him.

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That night, we set out on an unplanned attempt to find a vantage point for Birmingham’s fireworks show above Vulcan. We had no idea where to go and were entirely uncertain as to whether our children would be whiny-sleepy, interested, or petrified, as Noah had a bit of a traumatic fireworks experience last fall, and this was the first Fourth of July we’d been in town in many years.

I applauded my husband’s ability to withstand such tenuous uncertainty.

We ended up on the Children’s Hospital Parking Deck, where they had actually roped off the top deck for viewers, and were quite kind to everyone who had found their way up there.

Better yet: we made it in time for sunset.

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A sunset which, for a moment, even turned red white and blue. JUST FOR ME. (And everyone else.)

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Our children were excited and self-entertained while we waited for 9pm to arrive,

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Chris had the forethought to pack popsicles,

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My Parents, Grandmother, and Brother joined us after we let them know we found the best view in Birmingham,

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And when the fireworks began, Noah relieved us all by saying “I do like these kind of fireworks!!”

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From Puke and Poo Hell to Family-Togetherness Utopia…clearly God did indeed shed His Grace on us.

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I took my DSLR, set it up on a tripod, adjusted it to what I hoped would work, then carelessly snapped about 250 crappy fireworks photos without even looking through the viewfinder. Chris suggested that I pick the least blurry ones and create a composite image of the night, which turned into an obsessively geeky exercise in Photoshop Layering.

140704 Vulcan's Show

(But I totally got fussed at by my seven-year-old for not including one of the upside-down smiley fireworks.)

(So here you go.)

Smiley Firework

The next morning, gloriously, (how often does the climax of a story come after the fireworks are over?), I dumped my disease-free children at my parent’s and Chris swept me off to North Alabama.

For Recovery from Motherhood.

(It’s a real thing, y’all.)

140705c Weathington Point

We visited the above, Weathington Park, then continued to one of our favorite retreats, Gorham’s Bluff.

140705 A Gorham's Bluff Sunset

We ate, we rested, we read, we biked, we talked, and we got to sit on the edge of a ledge and see this.

140705b Beams over Gorham's Bluff

Happy Independence Indeed.

(p.s. I love my children.)

(p.p.s. But sometimes distance makes the heart grow fonder.)

Toddler, Interrupted.

I woke up yesterday morning holding a handful of vomit.

I quickly took in my surroundings, trying to orient myself as to how I had come into possession of someone else’s stomach contents. There was a screaming toddler sitting on his bed in front of me, his carpeted floor was dotted with stepping stones of puke, mysteriously going to the door and back, leaving one to wonder where his journey of bile might have taken him. And myself – I was in the center. Holding puke, puke on the bottom of my foot, sitting in puke.

It was 6:14am.

This was not what I had in mind for an alarm clock. In fact, I had asked Chris the night before to move my phone to my bedside table when he woke up so that I didn’t have to jump up and run in the bathroom when my rare alarm clock did go off at 7:30.

[I can’t sleep with my phone in the same room. We need space for our co-dependent relationship to function.]

Jumping up to turn off my alarm clock now sounded delightful compared to my current frozen position. Because what exactly does one do when they awaken to realize they are coated in a potentially pandemic contagion? One does not move.

“Maybe this is to save Noah from becoming the next Brad Pitt,” I reasoned to myself in my sleepy subconscious.

Earlier in the week I had rather inexplicably volunteered my son to be in a local commercial. I had been confused by my turn of events – it wasn’t really my thing to attempt to go out of my way to make my life difficult, as I certainly had done to my Father when my own childhood movie debut consisted of me riding on the same Merry-Go-Round for four hours straight with a doll that I despised.

The thirty minute screen test for this potential four-hour commercial shoot of Noah’s was scheduled for The Morning of Puke, hence my alarm clock in the first place. And clearly this commercial would have skyrocketed Noah’s career instantaneously, propelling him to become The Male Shirley Temple of the twenty-teens, and would’ve led to a life of screaming tween girls, Disney Channel sitcoms, addiction, ten million SnapChat followers, stringy hair, and being not-married to a scary woman with giant lips that could certainly beat him up if she pulled out her Lara Croft outfit.

(I know Mr. Pitt wasn’t a child-star but this is Noah’s story, not Brad’s. Keep up.)

So it was best that I was holding a handful of vomit. Because nobody wants Angelina as a daughter-in-law – I can’t compete with that. Even if I was the one who had held his vomit.

Chris had been downstairs about to exercise then leave for work, and he’d heard the guttural screams (whether coming from myself or Noah, no one will ever know), and thankfully trailed my sleepwalking puke-catching self and had the presence of mind to bring a trash can. I shook the contents of my hands into the receptacle and muttered something about Knox being a gelatin and Zahara being a desert and neither being a proper name for a grandchild anyway.

My second thought was my weekend. My enablingly-doting husband had arranged to take me away for a day and night, as I had been feeling suffocated by my children and hiding from them on a more regular basis than typically necessary. This hiding had been sponsored by a six-day nap-strike on the part of Noah, who would follow his non-naps with extreme sleep-deprived grumpiness and then fall asleep immediately upon entrance to an automobile.

And now he was potentially contagious. Ready to spread his lovingkindness to every family member and stretch this particular breed of hell out until we were no longer able to escape his toddler grips this weekend.

Was it a stomach virus or food poisoning? I secretly hoped for a mild case of food poisoning – food that he had picked up off the sidewalk and eaten alone.

I ran the list of possible pick-up points…

1. Chick-Fil-A PlayPlace (In which he blessedly didn’t require a rescue – but was that because he was too busy licking every surface?)
2. The Neighborhood Playground
3. Playing with Bird Placentas (That’s on everyone’s list of why-is-my-child-sick, right?)
4. Sunday School
5. Drinking out of a sippy cup he found under the car seat or under a park bench or in the trash can

I spent the rest of the day attempting to catch the remains of Chicken Nuggets as well as I had whilst sleepwalking. And with any energy left over, I obsessively crafted slipcovers for my valuables to protect them from my Valuable’s bodily fluids.

Puking Toddler

 

And then naptime came. I curled up next to him in his bed to get him settled in, and he immediately started snoring.

Nap. The sweet sweet aroma of nap. It took an upside-down stomach to bring it back, but…you get what you pray for.

Science is For the Birds.

My homeschooling strength has never been science – as a student or a teacher. I buy experiment books and we never open them; we read our science book but never put it into practice; I managed to worm my way out of dissections in both high school and college, whereas by the time my younger brother was in high school, dissected frogs could be regularly found in lunch sacks in the fridge.

However.

When it comes to the Animal Kingdom and our neighborhood, we are keen observers, enjoying the beauty and intricacies of God’s creatures.

Whether it’s Yard Bunnies who allow us to see their beautiful babies, neighborhood cats (and kittens) that adopt us, or Copperheads that I erroneously assume are harmless, we are students.

(Okay. Except for the bats. Never the bats.)

Our latest observations have centered around this nest, lovingly built under the eave of our porch.

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We watched the two birds for days as they built the nest, stealing moss from our yard and somehow managing to find bleached out Easter Basket Grass that we’ve never used.

(I do hate that stuff.)

We further observed when the mother began her roost, having successfully chased her man away. Because everyone knows that Bird Husbands are only good for baby-making and homebuilding.

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With help from my much more nature-educated mother, we decided that she was a Phoebe Bird, and based on her roosting patterns and a little help from Wikipedia, I knew exactly when her babies would hatch.

Unfortunately, that date was going to occur while we were gone for a weekend trip to the beach.

Even more unfortunately, Fred apparently decided that he needed a supplemental snack while we were gone, despite the fact that our neighbors fed him for us, along with who-knows-how-many-other secret families he has.

When we returned, the mother bird was gone, there was a pile of matching feathers in the yard, and a very satisfied-looking cat.

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I texted my mom immediately and asked if she could use her chicken-egg incubator to hatch our babies. She informed me that no, the mother had probably been off of them for too long, and plus none of us were going to want to catch bugs all day and night for those babies.

She wasn’t wrong.

I was matter-of-fact with the kids, reminding myself that children never react to tragedy as strongly as adults assume they will. The Circle of Life is pretty cut and dry before you experience any true pain in life.

We left the eggs alone for a week, anxiously watching for the mother to miraculously return – perhaps she was a prop in a Bird-Watching Expedition or some other such pressing matter! But she didn’t come back, it was a sure thing that our eggs were not going to hatch, and the kids were eager to inspect them.

So I instructed them on how very fragile the eggs were, climbed up on the porch railing, and looked into the nest.

They were exactly as they had when I’d last peeked in (from a distance with a zoom lens) – undisturbed and peacefully resting.

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I let the kids each hold one, reminding them yet again to be very, very careful.

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(Ali’s taped hands had nothing to do with her caution – that there is magical tape that enables her to do amazing cartwheels. Or not.)

Noah asked questions, Ali inspected, and we talked about the different colors and markings of the eggs.

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We rehashed the fact that Fred wasn’t evil for eating their mother – that’s what God programmed him to do. It’s a part of life.

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We carefully set all the eggs back down and just looked at them.

Looking at Baby Bird Eggs

…Until Noah couldn’t stand it anymore and grabbed the whole bunch, then dropped them in horror when his toddler hands got more than they expected.

The Culprit and the Eggs

THIS. Is the look of guilt. Or aversion to yellow slime. Probably the latter.

Egg Smashing Guilt

Chaos ensued.

Noah was grossed out, Ali was indignant over the beautiful eggs, and I was in a frenzy to sanitize my toddler.

Once I was sure he was free of Salmonella, the eggs once again caught my eye. Although one of the three broken eggs was clearly nothing but yolk, the other two appeared to have more to investigate, so I carefully finished opening them.

PAUSE.

Anyone who has a weak stomach needs to tune out now. However, I and the kids found the contents of the eggs captivating, so if you can handle it, click here to continue to page two. If not, feel free to stop.