Rachel Callahan

The Year, In Emoji.

April 1, 2015March 31, 2015 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, Just My Luck

This symbol is what one of my friends so artistically created to represent how many of us feel about this year.

Aside from the smile in the middle of the turd, it’s accurate.

Because everyone we know is experiencing.

Maybe it’s just Alabama – or maybe it’s all of the United States. Who knows, maybe it’s the whole world. But fueled by continuous illness and/or injury of every kind and stoked by various other mishaps, this has been our year.

It is the first day of the fourth month of . And I am currently on my fourth antibiotic of the year. I have spent the last 48 hours feverish in the bed, cuddled up to a bag (or two) of Cadbury Mini Eggs.

Because they are working as a carrier oil for my antibiotics, obviously.

My child ate sprinkles for breakfast.

Because he asked to.

And I said yes.

Yesterday was mine and Chris’ fourteenth anniversary. We had a lovely date at a fancy restaurant reserved for us, a date that had to be cancelled because…my tonsil is so very painfully infected.

So very infected that Chris looked in my mouth and yelped, then exclaimed that it looked like I had leprosy.

Needless to say he won’t be sticking his tongue down my throat this anniversary.

Because,

Did I mention that it’s also the children’s Spring Break?

My dear friend who invented this year’s motto for me, when this week brought with it gifts, sent me this.

I’m pretty sure that is one giant April Fool’s Joke. The good news is, it should be over after today!

I’ll be back as soon as I can find The Holy Grail:

Your Official Invite to My Reality Show.

March 30, 2015March 29, 2015 Rachel Callahan Actually Possibly Informational, Newsflash

I’ve always been a technological early adopter. From texting before it had a name, to joining Twitter in 2008 and scrolling through every user in Birmingham then writing my first tweet: “I don’t think Birmingham is ready for Twitter just yet.”

(And we weren’t. But I came back year later, and we were.)

But in all of my technological experimentation, I’ve never been as quickly convinced that something would be world-changing as I am about a new free app/social network that released last week: Periscope – an app that provides an easy platform for interactive live-streaming.

(Note: This is not a requested/paid review of any sort. I am just this excited about it.)

Some of you are saying “but Periscope is not what you said its name was last week…”

You are correct. The week before last, I discovered Meerkat, a similar app, and even encouraged you to join me, which some of you did. I knew Periscope was coming, and that the Twitter-Owned app was going to have the advantage, since a) they’re Twitter-owned and b) Twitter wasn’t playing nice with Meerkat.

And sure enough, everyone that was early adopting Meerkat with me jumped ship to Periscope. I did too, and although I still prefer the look and a lot of the features of Meerkat, there were some nice features in Periscope, too. And, they are owned by Twitter. So they will most likely win this battle.

So I’m sorry, Most Loyal Readers Who Followed Me to Meerkat – for now, I’m moving to Periscope. As much as I’d like to support the underdog, I must be realistic.

Now. For those of you who are completely lost.

Why is this so great?

Because it allows a whole new level of interactivity that we, The Internet Population, have never experienced before. We get to share real, live moments.

So, instead of looking at my still, quiet photos of our visit to The Botanical Gardens that show my toddler when he’s being bribed to smile,

And instead of not having any idea that Ali had just burped ferociously loud right before this picture,

You can experience it all with us, uncut and unedited – and get to hear and see Noah’s angry attitude and Ali’s burp, type messages to us, and we can answer you verbally. And then we’ll basically be BFF.

Yes. This is a Meerkat screenshot from my pre-Periscope days. But Periscope works basically the same way.

Perhaps this sounds like the greatest waste of time in the entire universe – and maybe it is. This leap forward in social sharing has definitely made me revisit the always-open discourse in my mind of how much is too much, and when should I just live my life and leave the internet out of it. But at this point, the kids find it fantastically fun to do once a day or so (they like interacting with people who talk to them), and it’s a great way to get to know you all better.

I have some fun ideas for the future – such as taking you all jeans shopping with me, telling live stories (I actually already tried this yesterday with mixed and somewhat awkward results, but I REALLY want to get better at verbal storytelling so you get to watch my struggle in the meantime), sharing my sunsetting adventures with you, letting you see what our school day looks like, and whatever other adventures happen to come our way.

And I’d love to see your streams, too!

Plus, as Jimmy Fallon on Periscope has shown us, you can have deep, stimulating conversation with the internet through this app.

So clearly it’s going to be a hit.

If you’re willing to join me on this little experiment, here’s what you need to know:

1. You’ll need a Twitter account to sign into the app, but you don’t really have to use it again after that.

2. Download the app called “Periscope” – make sure you get the one created by Twitter – there’s another one out there for spying on people and I would never encourage spying on people. (It’s only available on iPhones right now – sorry, Android users.)

3. Allowing Push Notifications is pretty much a must, since it’s a live stream (unless you stay really current on your Twitter feed.) However, live streams are available to watch on Periscope for 24 hours after filming (Scroll down on the first tab to “Recent” to see the day-old streams of anyone that you’re following.) So if you miss it, it’ll still be there for a little while.

4. Follow me – my name is ObjectivityRach – just like on Twitter and Instagram.

One last disclaimer. I could be completely wrong and watching me do my life might be the most boring endeavor ever construed. And I might be so awkward that you’re all like “we’ve been reading her blog because…why?!”

If so, forgive me and we can just go back to knowing each other as words on a screen. Promise?

This Week’s Headlines

March 27, 2015March 26, 2015 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, Just My Luck, Kids: The Experience.

This week’s household headlines:

“’Hopping around is so much fun – when you’re naked’, Agree Toddler Boys Everywhere.”

“Negligent Mother Makes Children Wait Until She Finishes Her Lunch Before Fixing Them Their Third Lunch. Authorities Launch Investigation.”

“Toddler Places Open Mouth on Meat Counter at Publix Three Times – Then Acts Shocked At Mother’s Screams About Botulism.”

“Breaking: Ice Machines Are Not For Swinging On, Kicking, Or Sticking One’s Head Into.”

“You Won’t Believe What’s in My Underwear, Mommy.”

“CDC Study Recommends: To Prevent Spread of Uncomfortable Car Rides, All Poop Should be Deposited in Toilets.”

“Sister Wives Not Looking Like Such A Bad Idea, Agree Exhausted Mothers.”

“‘Hey Mommy Can You Pick Up The Very Important Thing I Dropped?’ ‘NO I’M DRIVING’ – Why Does This Conversation Happen On Every Car Ride? Mothers Need To Know.”

“Young Boy Hits Head on the Toilet Seat…While Sitting on the Toilet Seat. Proclaimed To Be The Most Talented Child Alive.”

“’If you can’t obey Mommy, you can’t have nice things.’, Local Mother Teaches.”

“Studies Show that Grated Cheese Is More Tasty When Poured on a Plate and Eaten Like Cat Food. Even If That Cheese Was Supposed to Go Into Dinner That Night.”

“Toddler’s Own Meme Gets Used by Random Guy to Pick Up Random Girl. Toddler Hopes It Worked Out For Him.”

“This Toddler Got Mad at His Mother. What Happened Next Will Blow Your Mind!”

“’One more minute until bedtime’ Met With Cheers, then ‘Okay it’s bedtime’ Met With Jeers. Every Time.”

“Surveys Show That Children Must Lean Their Head Back to Get Shampoo Rinsed During Each Bath, Yet Children are Curiously Still Surprised By This During Each Bath.”

“Children Trash House With Play-Doh While Their Mother is at the Store Buying…More Play-Doh. Mother Regrets Actions.”

“Children’s Gummy Vitamins Found Only Acceptable When Favorite Color AND Shape Line Up. If Not, Proclaimed To Be Terrible.”

“Physical Therapy Clinics Found To Be An Ideal Location to Trip Old People, Report One Panel of Expert Children.”

What were the headlines in your house this week?

On The Issue of Being a Morning Person.

March 25, 2015March 24, 2015 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, I'm No Videographer, Kids: The Experience.

God has blessed me with children who appreciate the fine art of sleeping.

Ali napped until she was five, Noah’s still napping at four, and they both wake up well after the 7 o’clock hour (and have been known to sleep until 9:30.)

As such, it is only right and honorable to homeschool my children.

After all, if God gives you two talents to invest and you bury them in the dirt of waking up at 6am to get to school, how do you think you’re going to justify that when He asks after His investment?

No. I will treasure those talents and sleep late so that I can enjoy life more because of it.

However, Noah has been going to preschool this year. Just three days a week, with a 9 o’clock start time – it seemed like a reasonable burden for those talents to bear. And it was – I only had to wake him up (after 8am) every now and then.

Until the time change. And since that time change, I’ve had to drag my moody little talent out of bed every morning (after 8am), kicking and screaming and clawing at his covers.

As an attempt to document this phase of life and lighten his excessively grumpy demeanor, I took a snippet of video every morning for six days.

Each morning, I asked one simple thing of him: “Okay, Noah. Say ‘I’m not a morning person.’”

But, alas. Noah is four. And he is an extraordinarily opinionated and contrary four – especially first thing in the morning when he’s been unceremoniously awakened approximately 1.35 hours before he wished.

So here were the results, after six days:

I clearly need to get back to properly investing that talent.

Crochet Shorts: The Review.

March 23, 2015July 5, 2019 Rachel Callahan Don't Listen to my Fashion Advice, Uncle Leo, Utter Silliness, Weird Strange and True

There has never been any news article released that both my readers and friends felt such unanimous urgency to send to me than Crochet Shorts for Men made out of recycled vintage afghans. The tweets, Facebook messages, emails, texts, and IRL “You have GOT to SEE THIS!” lasted for well over a month.

Perhaps it was because of my post about Doilies not being Shorts, and people needed to know – were blankets as shorts a better choice?

I came very close to ordering a pair – just for you guys. After all, if you all love me enough to bombard me with this information so thoroughly, I owed it to you.

But, thankfully for my budget, I have a family member that is just weird enough to buy them for himself.

No, Not Chris.

Uncle Leo.

If you’ve been around for long enough, you should also remember that Leo is the self-taught toenail artist who makes fantastically intricate three-dimensional artscapes out of his carefully saved clippings for his cherished wife.

(If you don’t know, you need to click through and then come back.)

But he is also well-known in his hometown for his eclectic fashion statements, and can often be easily picked out of a crowd at the Flora-Bama (I’ve actually had one blog reader do just that – and even introduce herself to him.)

So wearing Crochet Shorts with a tuxedo suit to a Mardi Gras Ball was perhaps the most appropriate use that this New American Fashion Staple had ever experienced.

And, after the ball, because he loves me, he shipped the shorts to me.

To share with you.

The pattern is quite generous in its hole size, so before I could put them on, in the name of decency, I had to start with some “Undershorts”.

So the process of modeling Crochet started here:

(I’ll have you know that I painted my toenails for the first time post-Winter just for this photo shoot. You’re welcome.)

Then it was time for the shorts.

Now granted, they were made for Leo. And Leo and I are not identical in size.

Which is when the first feature of the Crochet Short, the drawstring, comes in very handy.

But let’s talk about that drawstring.

Its sharp edges tend to cut straight through layers of epidermis, all while creating a serious crochet bunching issue, especially when cinched, adding to one’s waist a small intertube made of yarn. The effect is…unsettling.

My thoughtful photographer and dearest husband went behind my back and captured an image that shows how very deeply that waistband cut, all while adding extreme inches as it did so.

But OH.

The Butt.

If ever anyone wanted a Kardashian-Sized Kaboose, Crochet Shorts will provide. They are the Fairy Godmother, the Genie in a Bottle, the Avada Kedavra of the small backside.

I MEAN. I know that running has grown my butt. But it’s not that size.

To convince myself of that fact after I perused, mouth agape, the photos of my rear view, I had to go put on a pair of blue jeans (after all, that’s the way my butt is the most comfortable being photographed) and drag my cameraman back out to the porch, despite the fact that it was after dark.

How do those shorts make my whole top half look two sizes bigger, too? They are magical in all the wrong ways. And there is something so intestinally inappropriate about the downward design of that chevron.

Oh – you want to see the front Chevron? Even worse.

Overall, they just didn’t seem like they were meant for me.

Or, perhaps, I was not meant for them.

They deserved better.

So I tried them on a different model.

Yes – it was clear.

Crochet Shorts are meant for the naturally cute – like Noah and his Great Uncle Leo.

10 Best Hikes and Runs in Birmingham.

March 20, 2015April 2, 2016 Rachel Callahan Actually Possibly Informational, I Love Birmingham, I'm a Glutton for Adventure

It’s the first day of spring, guys. I can nearly feel all of the viruses and bacteria of this infested winter die. Isn’t it wonderful?

And it’s time to get back outdoors and enjoy our beautiful state. We’re blessed with winters that are mild enough to allow us to comfortably be outside regularly, but the blooming of spring and the warmth of the sun make it so much more invigorating.

Hiking and running are favorite activities in our family, and Birmingham has some spectacular places to explore on foot. Below are our ten favorite places to get outside on a beautiful day, in no particular order.

1. Moss Rock Preserve. (Hike, Walk) – Located in Hoover, it has 12 miles of hiking trails, a boulder field that is kid (and teenager) heaven, and many waterfalls. Moss Rock is a perfect place to go to enjoy nice weather, but it is almost completely shaded, so dress for it to be about 5-10 degrees cooler than it really is.

Located just below the boulder field, this is one of my kid’s (and their cousin’s) favorite places. I wish I was their height so it could be mine, too.

The creek always houses fantastic reflections from the tree covering above.

True to its name, there are all kinds of moss (and ferns) to be discovered.

Waterfalls are in abundance. Try to go after a good rain!

The boulder field is situated on a steep incline, so it’s easy to go out onto the top of the rocks.

There are some passes through those boulders that only tiny people can fit. You have been warned.

The kids call this “The Desert” – it’s a solid rock slab going uphill. It’s great for games – all sorts.

The top of the boulder field is a great place to stand and stare. For obvious reasons.

Pros: Plenty of paths, lots of interesting things to discover, lovely waterfalls.

Cons: There are a lot of creek crossings with no actual crossing. Rock balancing is a must, and sometimes, when the water is high, it can get a bit treacherous for little legs.

2. Red Mountain Park. (Hike, trail run, walk.) There are so many trails to be discovered here – long and short, difficult and flat. There are beautiful overlooks, historic mining relics, rail ruins that make the perfect photo backdrop, and plenty of surprises to discover on your own. They also have fantastic adventure opportunities, such as a zip line course and an 80 foot climbing tower.

The view from Grace’s Gap, one of the many overlooks, is a thrill. This is the zoomed in view.

…And this is the actual view.

The SkyHy Treehouse is my kid’s favorite part of the park. The suspension bridge is just sturdy enough to feel comfortable, and just flexible enough to give an eight-year-old an adrenaline rush.

The mining ruins make every trip out to Red Mountain Park count as a school day. Alabama History for the win!

This old rail bed, more overgrown with forest as you walk further, fulfills every kid’s dream of playing on train tracks.

Pros: Many different walks, 12 miles of trails, many terrain options, great views and activities.

Cons: Many trails are not easily accessible with a jogging stroller. Also, keep this trail map handy on your phone – there are so many trails that overlap and cross each other that it’s sometimes difficult to keep it straight.

3. Ruffner Mountain Nature Preserve. (Hike, trail run, walk) I’ve lived in Birmingham all my life and am ashamed that my first visit to Ruffner Mountain happened in my 30s. It’s another great nature preserve with many trails – many more than I’ve traversed. We almost always take the same one – we park on the backside of the preserve (at the baseball fields) and take an easy .65 mile hike to the Birmingham overlook. It’s a relatively easy trail that has a couple of different-facing views on the way. And the overlook is one of the best spots to catch a big sky sunset in Birmingham.

The colors are beautiful all year long, but especially in the fall.

This overlook faces an old quarry.

Even Winter Walks are beautiful at Ruffner Mountain.

Pros: Close to the city, many different trails.

Cons: A lot of altitude changes.

4. Jemison Trail. (Walk, run) This lovely two mile trail in the heart of Mountain Brook is fantastic for exercising. It has many different parking and entry points, wide paths, flat trails, a creek for distraction, and numerous park benches along the way. Also, if you have kids with you, plan your walk/run so that you can go out into Mountain Brook Village, and bribe them with a stop for candy at Swoop halfway through – it’s a multi-generational tried and true way to get kids to love exercise.

Jemison Trail is one of the best runs in the city because of its easy access and extreme mileage variability. It can be made into a 4-6 mile loop using Montevallo Road as the other side, or it can be combined with Lakeshore Trail to get a 10-12 mile loop, or climb the mountain to the top of the city and visit all three Mountain Brook Villages for an 8-10 mile loop.

The stepping stone bridge about halfway through the trail.

The view from the stepping stone bridge.

The trail is half paved, half gravel.

The water wheel house across the road from Jemison Trail – you’ll also notice a sketch of this house on the doors of Mountain Brook Police cars – interesting, since it’s actually a private residence. I’d feel pretty safe if my house were on the side of every police car in my city.

A Swoop fan for life – her future running career has been powered by the promise of their candy.

Pros: Super flat, convenient, mostly paved.

Cons: Right against the road, therefore not so rustic. Also, if there’s been a heavy rain, the stepping stone path over the creek is covered up, so plan accordingly.

5. Lakeshore Trail. (Walk, run, bike) This 2.5 mile sidewalk is perfect for an easy, mindless run. It semi-connects to Jemison Trail via Brookwood Mall, and also skirts alongside the creek. Being in the flood plain, there’s also often a “lake” on the other side, convenient since there hasn’t actually been a lake at Lakeshore Drive in quite some time.

There are several places along the creek that have beautiful vistas.

The “lake” when it was frozen over this winter.

If you go out the Green Springs Highway side of the trail and turn right onto Old Green Springs Road, you will find this always changing and entertaining bridge – that is, if you like graffiti.

Pros: Super flat, can be used by runners or bikers, mileage marked every .25 miles.

Cons: Not too interesting for children, less rustic.

6. Boulder Creek Nature Trail. (Hike) Situated right behind the Vestavia Library in the Forest and accessible from their back door, this nature trail feels surprisingly remote to be right off Highway 31. Ali and I recently checked it out for the first time, and were quite surprised at its depth and natural beauty. It flanks both sides of a fairly steep ravine through which Patton Creek runs, has a nice waterfall at one end, and is quite a beautiful hike.

Patton Creek in the bottom of the ravine

The origin of the name “Boulder Creek” becomes apparent quickly.

There are some seriously steep moments on this trail. Thank goodness for hand rails!

Pros: Beautiful, convenient, surprisingly scenic.

Cons: Not stroller accessible, narrow trails along ridges, a good deal of altitude change.

7. Irondale Furnace Trail. (Walk, Run) – Starting on Stone River Road in Mountain Brook, this gem of a trail is difficult to find, but well worth the effort. It’s only 1 1/3 miles long, but it’s stunningly gorgeous (especially in Fall and Spring), and has its own set of ruins halfway down the trail. It can also be combined into a running loop, as it empties out onto Old Leeds Road near the Jemison Trail/Montevallo Road loop referenced earlier.

Pros: relatively flat, convenient, not crowded, an easy walk.

Cons: Short and hard to find (Reference the map at the bottom of the post.)

8. Aldridge Gardens. (Run, walk) – Aldridge Gardens is a gem of Hoover that I’m constantly surprised by how many people have never visited. The perfect place for letting kids run off some energy, it has an endless supply of fish, ducks, and turtles to feed, a beautiful lake for practicing your reflection photography, a half-mile walking trail along the lake, and the wonderful hidden secret of The Fairy Garden.

The Fairy Garden is something that must be experienced rather than photographed, but it is a settlement up the hill on the far side of the lake (take the upper trail and it will lead you right to the fairies.) It includes fairy houses and settlements, and three giant bins labels “Rocks”, “Sticks”, and “Pine Cones.” Kids collect and sort the items so that the fairies have building supplies the next night. There must be fairy magic involved because it’s endlessly entertaining. So if you want a nice walk around the lake and then an opportunity to sit in silence for a few minutes, take your kids up to collect items for the fairy construction workers.

The colors light up in Autumn and Spring at Aldridge Gardens.

This guy is always hungry, waiting for thoughtful kids to come place rocks in his mouth.

The animals are very kind to the children. Except for the hissing Geese, if you don’t have food for them.

There are plenty of benches for walk breaks.

Pros: Perfect for children, many different gardens to explore, beautiful scenery.

Cons: Trails are relatively short.

9. Oak Mountain State Park. (Hike, Walk, Run, Bike) – Oak Mountain is the most diverse state park I’ve ever visited. With 9,940 acres, they have easy walking trails, steep hikes, a 22 mile biking loop, and dozens of activities – it would take many visits to run out of new things to try. We have not yet put Oak Mountain to nearly the use it deserves, but the trips we have taken have been perfect.

The Lake Trail is 2.3 miles long, and is a great trail for running, walking, or biking. It goes over a dam on the lake with the amazing view below:

The hike to King’s Chair along the Blue trail is well worth the climb – and there is certainly a climb.

The lake is always relaxing to sit along, and includes a beach.

The architecture of some of the buildings have a magical, old-world feel to them.

Pros: Endless supply of every sort of hike, bike, run, or walk.

Cons: Make sure you have a map if you set out on a new trail – there are so many connectors and trails that it can get confusing.

10. The Chief Ladiga Trail (Run, Bike, Walk) – This is the furthest recommendation from Birmingham, but there’s a good reason for including it. IT IS AMAZING. The Chief Ladiga Trail is a Rails to Trails project that goes from the Weaver-Anniston city line to the Georgia-Alabama state line, for a total of 33 miles. It then connects with the Silver Comet Trail in Georgia, which is a 61.5 mile rail to trail that goes all the way to Smyrna, right outside Atlanta.

Since it is a Rails to Trails project, the grade is nearly nonexistent, it’s relatively straight, and it goes through beautiful countrysides and small towns. A good chunk of the trail travels through the Talladega National Forest, which is simply stunning.

We have biked and run 20 miles of this trail at different times, and plan on biking or running the entire trail (and the Silver Comet Trail) as we have the opportunity.

Here are some sights along the trail in the Talladega National Forest:

This post has been just a taste of all of the great places to hike and run in and around Birmingham. A few other places that are well worth the visit include:

– The Botanical Gardens – they have way more trails than you might think, and the gardens are very invigorating.

– Downtown – a run through Birmingham will give you a whole new appreciation for the beauty of our city, and you will notice many things you’ve never seen before.

– Star Lake – Although it’s a short loop, it’s a beautiful one, and easy to get to. It’s great for a small window of time to exercise.

– The Tuscaloosa River Walk – if you find yourself in Tuscaloosa, you must check out the beautiful path along the river.

So get outside, Birmingham, and enjoy Spring.

More Resources:

– Here’s an interactive map of all of the places mentioned in this post:

– 35 Things to do in Birmingham
– 38+ Places to find Birmingham’s sunsets
– 30 Hiking Destinations in Birmingham
– Five Star Trails: Birmingham, book by Thomas Spencer – if you want all of the details, down to where to enjoy the annual run of the spotted salamanders and what flower blooms when and where, then check out this book. It opened my eyes to several trails I’d never even heard of, and helped create my bucket list of trails to visit soon.
– Picture Birmingham, over 500 photos of Birmingham (including many from above), indexed by location, and available on prints, canvas, note cards and more, with 100% of the profits donated to The WellHouse to help rescue victims of human trafficking.

Stuff Finds Me.

March 18, 2015March 17, 2015 Rachel Callahan Photographical Oddities, Weird Strange and True

Thank you, Antibiotics, for going above and beyond the call of duty to take your share of the blame for life’s uncomfortable moments.

I MEAN. What clinical trial intern saw that 15% of their victims reported diarrhea weeks to months later, and said, “Yeah, sure – we’ll claim that side effect. Heck, we’ll even put it on the side of the bottle. Because why not?”

Also, I feel like “Lupin Lupin” and “Cefdinir Cefdinir” were taken right out of J.K. Rowling’s spell books. And if you say them both in a row, you might get diarrhea weeks (to months) later.

In other news, Orbitz is getting awfully intimate with their email subject lines.

Stop trying to make bae happen, marketers! It’s not going to happen! And certainly don’t talk about anybody’s bae’s dock.

I appreciate the thorough explanation of why this page was left blank. Because all of those “This page was Intentionally left blank” pages just leave me burning with curiosity.

This came in our race day “goody bag” for the Mercedes Marathon and Superhero 5K. If you ever thought you wanted to read instructions on how to use a moistened wipe, YOU WERE SO WRONG.

We only received the “Toilet Cloth”, but inevitably became curious as to how, exactly, the entire “Gotta Go Poncho” operated.

This YouTube video satiated our curiosity. And all curiosity that will ever come after it.

https://youtu.be/FP7CtR-84go

But hey. If you’re the type of person that often finds yourself in great need of pooping in public, they’ve got you covered. Literally.

I found this in my Mom’s car. She’s now on my list of suspects titled “People Who Might Secretly Be a Graffiti Artist.”

Noah has just started getting interested in writing words, so when he wrote “Daddy” for the first time on a prized piece of artwork he titled “Alien Car”, I texted it to Chris – with no explanation, because I felt like none was needed.

When Chris got home that night, I asked him if he was impressed with Noah’s car.

“What car?”

“The one I texted you earlier.”

“Wait a minute. That was a car?? I thought it was me! Let me see that picture.”

I showed it to him and his eyes lit up with recognition of fine art.

But I needed to know.

“HOW exactly did you think that was you?”

“Well, it had my name on it, and when I turned it upside down, it looked like me. With a beard and all.”

They say you see yourself in art…I guess it’s true.

The other day while running, I saw these giant bags…

Right in front of this sign…

And could only assume that Clifford the Big Red Dog was feeling especially spunky that day.

Speaking of dogs, whenever I think about what vibe I want to give off with my feet, I always land on “Depressed Dog.”

There are many life hacks available on the internet.

Many suggestions for product substitutions, for when you just don’t have what you need on hand.

This is not one of them.

But thank you anyway, Target.

I spotted these in a local coffee shop. For when Essential Oils just aren’t holy enough for you anymore.

Or, if you’re feeling contrary, these were at the bookstore next door:

I hear that if you drop a Bible Bar and six Draft Beer Jelly Bellies into a Diet Coke, fire rains down from heaven and RIGHT INTO your Diet Coke.

Ali gave me this picture of a coffee cup, because it reminded her of me.

I wasn’t sure how to process my feelings about her choice of tape cropping.

But speaking of, this outfit was in the window of a store called “Know Style”.

I can only assume the question mark that was a the end of their name must’ve fallen off.

Know Style?

Because we don’t.

Why do even hair products have to be obnoxiously suggestive? These are all items I’ve bought for my daughter. Then prayed that she didn’t ask me to explain their names.

(Yes, I bought my daughter purple hair dye. Don’t you?)

I spotted this precious, precious specimen of Faux Jean in the children’s section of a department store.

AND GUYS. Ever since, Ali’s been asking me to buy her PajamaJeans. “They’re like pants, but look like jeans, Mom! And they look SO comfortable.”

I’M AFRAID SHE MAY NOT BE My DAUGHTER.

But ohmygoodness I want these muffin holders SO BAD.

I’ve been seeing more and more minivan cops in my city, and I can’t help but concoct a TV sitcom about the moms who drive them.

COPS: Yo Momma Brings the Law.

CSI: Moms on the Case.

Police Academy M.O.M.: “Don’t Make me Come Back There!”

Disclaimer: I know that there are Moms who are policewomen and they do a darn good job of it. I am not making fun of Moms. Only of Minivan Police Cars. Because they’re the Mom Jeans of the Criminal Justice System.

While out of state a few weeks ago, I got takeout from a rather sketchy looking diner. While I waited for my food to be boxed, I perused the walls. I found this fancy listing of giant-hamburger-eating record holders:

Each picture was precious, and I especially liked the ones who posed in front of the wall of pictures – such a meta way to celebrate the moment.

But I will never forget Bottom Center.

He deserved more than just a T-Shirt.

But his gluttony was all for Jesus. So at least we can be comforted that his reward is waiting for him in heaven.

We recently paid a visit to the local Alabama gear store. And in case you have always wondered what exactly all those angels are up there singing about, well, here’s your answer.

But until you get your celestial pom-pom in the sky, you can relax in this beautifully detailed “Comfy Throw.”

Just try not to look at the crotch on that thing. JUST TRY.

We also learned that a fly is not dead until he’s been killed while yelling roll tide.

And finally, one more life hack. If you’ve always been perplexed about what you should do with all of your plastic dinosaurs from Chuck E. Cheese’s prize counter, Zulily has you covered.

* Dinosaurs not included.

You’re welcome, world.

Cherries, Take Me Away.

March 16, 2015March 15, 2015 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, It's Tough Being a Girl, Just My Luck, The Blissfulness of Life

My life has been the definition of “train wreck” lately.

Nothing devastating or life-changing – no worries. Just a constant onslaught of sicknesses and injuries and roadblocks and traumatic doctor visits.

The upside is, they often make good blog posts.

Y’all have read about some of them, but I haven’t written about a lot of things because I have a rule for myself – never write about something until you’re on the other side of it – otherwise, it comes out whiny.

And nobody likes to read whiny.

(A rule I clearly broke with my Printing Woes. But hopefully Sukhad added the humor back in for me.)

Anyway. One very special blog reader, Melissa, from Prosser Washington, picked up on the undertones of my rather unpleasant start to 2015. And she commented after this post that she was going to send me some chocolates, thereby solidifying her spot as my Best Friend Forever [That I Probably Won’t Ever Get to Meet].

Because by chocolates, I knew she meant Chukar Cherries.

I knew this because she had sent them to me once before. AND THEY CHANGED MY LIFE.

They’re made in her hometown, and they’re basically the most luxurious chocolate-covered dried fruits and nuts ever concocted. All the combinations are divine, and the flavors they put together are the essence of chocolate fantasies. The last box she sent me contained eighteen different varieties of heaven dipped in chocolate.

After receiving them last time, I also started getting the catalogs. And with each one, I nearly ordered myself another box (to hide from the children and eat embarrassingly fast), but always somehow intervened before I delved into what was sure to become a serious addiction problem.

So when the Melissa mentioned a box of chocolates, I was pretty intensely elated.

The hope of those chocolates carried me through finishing my Kid’s Market preparation.

They carried me through recovering from a sinus infection.

They carried me through the mothering of sick children, blowing their noses on my pants, wiping their boogers down into my shirt, and hacking all night long.

They carried me through falling while running and injuring, bruising, or scraping every joint on my body, and the resulting physical therapy.

I knew that Washington is a long way away and it would probably take a good bit for them to arrive, but the hope of chocolate covered cherries and berries and pecans and hazelnuts in eighteen different varieties carried me through.

Until I got an email from UPS, telling me that they needed to let me know that a package headed to me from Chukar Cherries had a slight problem.

Slight.

WHAT. THE WHAT.

MY CHOCOLATE WAS IN A TRAIN WRECK.

I read that email three times, and then contracted an unstoppable case of the giggles. If there was anything more fitting for my life at that juncture, I could not possibly imagine it. The chocolate I was receiving because my life was a train wreck got caught up in an actual train wreck and I’m pretty sure the space-time continuum folded in on itself.

I started checking the UPS status of my cherries, waiting to see when they would resurface, imagining a UPS worker walking along the side of a train track, plucking chocolate covered cherries out of the grass and placing them, carefully sorted, back in my trays.

Every morning, I checked. Every morning, nothing had changed. Every morning, I assumed my chocolates had been eaten by the roadside chickens and cows before they could be collected and repackaged.

(Because there are totally roadside chickens and cows next to all train tracks, just waiting for derailments and the resulting chocolate spillage. Right?)

The above email came on March 3. The shipping status of my package did not update again until I received this email on March 9.

My poor cherries, after having been spilled onto a rickety train trestle spanning a crocodile-filled ravine, were now encapsulated by a snowstorm, shivering their fragile chocolate coating off.

Or perhaps, they were stuck in a Sharknado – after all, it didn’t specify the weather type.

You never know.

Until somehow, they weren’t. UPS fought train and snow and sharks flying through the air and my chocolate dropping off the grid for over five days, and still managed to deliver those precious, life-giving chocolates – just one day after they were originally due.

When the box arrived, my warm tingly heart burst within me.

I wish I’d gotten a better picture of that big red sticker – it said “Perishable Goods – Open Immediately.” But I didn’t have time for good photography – I had a package to open. I had chocolate-covered cherries to rescue.

They had been through a lot, after all.

I could relate.

Oh, the bliss of discovering that Melissa, Fairy Godmother of the Blog Realm, had indeed sent me that giant box of utopia again – along with a couple of other precious, blissful, renewing treats.

The endless array of beautifully coated goodness made up for all of the train wrecks – both figurative and literal.

And that box of cherries took over where the hope of cherries left off.

They carried me through running a half marathon perfectly fine, and then reinjuring myself the next day during my “recovery run”.

They carried me through not being able to walk for two days, then finding out that I would have to go to Physical Therapy 2-3 times a week for 6 weeks.

They carried me through multiple technological breakdowns – including those blogged and those only shared in Facebook comments.

And they’re still carrying me through. And doing a darn good job of it.

So from now on, when my life starts spinning off-balance like a washing machine whose drum came loose and is shaking the house down with its ear-shattering rhythm, I shall not waver at the thought of ordering myself some chocolate covered cherries – because mothers are best fueled by good chocolate. And Chukar Cherries most definitely balance everything out.

(Even if they have to survive their own train wreck to do so.)

Because Printing Is Hard.

March 13, 2015March 13, 2015 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, Just My Luck

In this digital age of presentations and tablets and electronic interfacing notes, we have lost the fine art of simple printing. Ink on paper. And archaic and environment-destroying though it may be, sometimes it is still necessary.

I miss Kinko’s.

All I wanted was a black and white coloring book – the one I told you about last week. A nice, folded-over booklet, pages printed front and back. It’s simple, really – you just take a bunch of 11×17 pieces of paper, print them, fold them in half, staple in the middle, and VOILA! You have what is defined as “The Booklet”.

I did it in 2010 with only very minor injury to my mental health, but 2015 is five years later. And technology has had five more years to encroach on the ancient art of printing.

Many companies, however, have uploading software into which you can design exactly what you want printed. Then you can either pick it up in store or have it delivered. One can only assume that a company’s employees know how to translate the data coming from their own software and make it happen.

One would be wrong.

To attempt to be money-wise, I uploaded my file into both Staples and FedEx Copy and Print’s website interfaces. I laid out the exact same booklet in each, and it was a few dollars cheaper through FedEx. So though I used Staples last time, I went with FedEx.

And anyway, FedEx bought Kinko’s many years ago – certainly they have the equipment to make this happen.

Upload…Design…Quantity…Credit Card…Complete.

My order was submitted: 40 black and white booklets, approximately 70 pages each, to be delivered to my house in two days. It seemed simple – too simple, really.

In ten minutes I received my first phone call – from a lady at the local FedEx Copy and Print store.

“Um, I just got your order in. Are you wanting that stapled in the corner?”

“No. I want booklets. 11×17 pages folded in half and stapled to make a booklet. Like the choice I chose in the uploading software.”

“Hm. Well, my stapler isn’t big enough to make that happen. And the software only charged you for 8 1/2” x 11” paper. And when I pull up your book, your pages are all wonky. They all need rotatin’ or turnin’ or something.”

“They were all fine on the layout view in the software…”

“Well they’re not anymore. I can’t print this.”

“Okay. Cancel the order, then, and give me a refund.”

“I can cancel your order but you’ll have to call the toll-free tech line to get a refund.”

“Wait. What? Shouldn’t my refund process automatically if you cancel my order?”

“Uh, no – I don’t think so. Hold on – I’ll transfer you to tech support.”

What followed was ten minutes of on hold, off hold, transfers, and on hold, finally followed up with “Your refund will happen automatically since she cancelled your order.”

I pouted on the couch for a while – all I wanted was to be done with this blasted project and how hard is it to print a booklet?! Do businesses not need presentations anymore? In my pre-kids accounting days we had to print this type of document all the time! WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THE WORLD.

After I finished a good sulk, I got back on the Staples website, praying my document had been saved.

Of course it hadn’t, so I uploaded, chose my options, and formatted my booklet all over again. I selected the “Pick up in store” option because I had found a 25% off coupon if you pick up in store, so at least I could save some money.

Upload…Design…Quantity…Credit Card…Complete.

Ten minutes later, I had not heard from Staples.

I breathed a giant sigh of relief and enjoyed my night, with visions of booklets propelling off the printing press dancing in my head.

Until the next morning, when I received a call from a gentleman at the local Staples print and copy center.

“Hi, uh, Miss Callahan. I don’t understand your order. So….you want a booklet?”

“Yes.”

“And…you want me to staple it in the middle?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want that booklet to be half of an 8 1/2” x 11” sheet?”

“No. 11×17, folded in half, making a 8 1/2” x 11” booklet.”

“I don’t think my stapler can fit through that much cardstock.”

WHAT IS UP WITH THESE PEOPLE AND THEIR STAPLERS.

“I didn’t ask for the order to be in cardstock. I just want it in plain copy paper, like I selected, with a cardstock cover.”

“Okay…I’ll try.”

An hour later, he called me back.

“Uh….Miss Callahan? I can’t download your file.”

“It uploaded fine onto the website…and the preview showed the booklet exactly as I requested.”

“I don’t know why it won’t work but I can’t get it to download. Can you email it to me?”

“It’s too big for email. How about a Dropbox?”

“Okay.”

I Dropboxed him the file.

He emailed me back.

I don’t know if it was the persistent replacement of “won’t” with “want” or if it was the frowny face, but I had serious doubt that Staples Copy Center #1188 would have any more luck with a flash drive than their own software and two Dropboxes.

So I asked him to please try it on a different computer or…maybe…get someone else to look at it?

That was my last conversation with #1188. I could take no more.

I got on staples.com and opened a Tech Support Chat. I frantically explained my problem and my frustration and that all I wanted was a booklet and I waited. And I waited. To be connected to a specialist.

It was as if the god of irony shined down upon that moment.

Sukhad.

Suk. Had.

I want to complain about how terrible Staples is and I get to explain it to…Sukhad.

Naturally, Sukhad was zero help. He immediately told me he couldn’t help me, and, even though my name was on the chat screen at least six times, Sukhad called me Denise.

Please don’t have chat support if you’re just going to tell me to call you. Because that Sukhad.

I had no other options. So I dialed the number, with much trepidation and fear of the withering of my afternoon.

But I got Lindsay on the phone, and she seemed horrified by my tales of #1188 and Sukhad, and immediately jumped in to help me. She accessed my account to take over my job at the national copy and print headquarters,

but she couldn’t.

Because #1188 had cancelled, and deleted, my job.

So I uploaded it again. I chose all my options again. I checked the big box next to “BOOKLET”, I explained to Lindsay preemptively exactly what I meant when I checked that big box next to “BOOKLET”, and she assured me that she understood completely, she would do it herself, it would get shipped to me, and that she would apply 25% off since I wouldn’t get to use my in-store coupon.

I rested in the loving arms of Lindsay, knowing I was finally safe, that my arduous Pilgrim’s Progress was nearing its end at The Celestial City. That my journey down the Yellow Brick Road of printing was at the doorstep of the Wizard.

The next day, I anxiously checked the status of my order – it said “in production” and showed no coupon applied.

The third morning, I checked again.

Same.

On the afternoon of the Third Day, I received another phone call. From a gentleman at Staples.

“Hi, Miss Callahan. I was working on your order here, and I just wanted to check and see what you meant when you said you wanted a…booklet.”

I fell to the floor and loudly wept rivers of tears, slamming the phone repeatedly into my splintering hardwoods, as I begged God to send Kinko’s back from the bosom of Abraham – even just to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I was in agony in this fire.

Epilogue: My booklets are still “in production.”

VeggieTales: Noah’s Ark {Giveaway}

March 12, 2015March 12, 2015 Rachel Callahan Giveaways and Contests

We’ve been watching VeggieTales’ newest movie, Noah’s Ark, on repeat at our house for the past couple of weeks, and they sent us a couple of DVDs and Bobs to share with you guys!

Ali loves this movie because she gets all the humor (or most of it – but they always put those nuggets in there for us parents.)

Noah loves this movie because he can read the title, since it’s the one word in the universe that he can read.

And I love the movie because the main character (Shem) is voiced by Wayne Brady, and it brings back fond memories of our pre-kid days when we used to watch hours of “Whose Line is it Anyway?”. Every time the movie starts, I have a strong urge to find Whose Line on Netflix and binge watch it all night long.

(Except that I don’t do anything all night long. But we’ve already discussed that.)

Obviously, the movie has been a huge hit in our house, and has even inspired some rather artistic diary entries by Ali.

Which, in turn, inspired me to use this as an opportunity to let her have a fun day of school centered around the movie – and slip in a writing project at the end.

Because that’s what us homeschool Moms do. We exploit fun and turn it into school.

Ali and I just studied about how to write a book report in her English curriculum, so I explained to her that she could, in the same way, write a movie report. I sat her down in front of the movie, gave her some paper and a pen to take notes on the things that she wanted to write about, and then after the movie, we discussed her findings and constructed a movie report together. She then wrote it out for you guys.

So, I give you, Ali’s very first Movie Review.

Giant squids and honeymoons and Easter Egg Hunts. If uppity movie reviewers would just finish their reviews with “I like this movie because it is funny!”, the world would be a better place.

If you’d like to win one of the two DVDs and Bobs that I have to give away, simply comment on this post! You have until March 18 to enter, and the two winners will be emailed and announced on my Giveaway Winners Page on March 19.

Best of luck!

Disclosure: We were sent a copy of Noah’s Ark to review and enjoy, but Ali’s opinions are her own – as are mine.