Newspaper Headline

This week’s household headlines:

“’Hopping around is so much fun – when you’re naked’, Agree Toddler Boys Everywhere.”

“Negligent Mother Makes Children Wait Until She Finishes Her Lunch Before Fixing Them Their Third Lunch. Authorities Launch Investigation.”

“Toddler Places Open Mouth on Meat Counter at Publix Three Times – Then Acts Shocked At Mother’s Screams About Botulism.”

“Breaking: Ice Machines Are Not For Swinging On, Kicking, Or Sticking One’s Head Into.”

“You Won’t Believe What’s in My Underwear, Mommy.”

“CDC Study Recommends: To Prevent Spread of Uncomfortable Car Rides, All Poop Should be Deposited in Toilets.”

“Sister Wives Not Looking Like Such A Bad Idea, Agree Exhausted Mothers.”

“‘Hey Mommy Can You Pick Up The Very Important Thing I Dropped?’ ‘NO I’M DRIVING’ – Why Does This Conversation Happen On Every Car Ride? Mothers Need To Know.”

“Young Boy Hits Head on the Toilet Seat…While Sitting on the Toilet Seat. Proclaimed To Be The Most Talented Child Alive.”

“’If you can’t obey Mommy, you can’t have nice things.’, Local Mother Teaches.”

“Studies Show that Grated Cheese Is More Tasty When Poured on a Plate and Eaten Like Cat Food. Even If That Cheese Was Supposed to Go Into Dinner That Night.”

Toddler’s Own Meme Gets Used by Random Guy to Pick Up Random Girl. Toddler Hopes It Worked Out For Him.”

Noah Memed

“This Toddler Got Mad at His Mother. What Happened Next Will Blow Your Mind!”

“’One more minute until bedtime’ Met With Cheers, then ‘Okay it’s bedtime’ Met With Jeers. Every Time.”

“Surveys Show That Children Must Lean Their Head Back to Get Shampoo Rinsed During Each Bath, Yet Children are Curiously Still Surprised By This During Each Bath.”

“Children Trash House With Play-Doh While Their Mother is at the Store Buying…More Play-Doh. Mother Regrets Actions.”


“Children’s Gummy Vitamins Found Only Acceptable When Favorite Color AND Shape Line Up. If Not, Proclaimed To Be Terrible.”

“Physical Therapy Clinics Found To Be An Ideal Location to Trip Old People, Report One Panel of Expert Children.”

What were the headlines in your house this week?

12 thoughts on “This Week’s Headlines

  1. It does get better, I promise.

    Our headline would be, “Parents return from vacation to an immaculately clean home, and very appreciative children after leaving their teen daughters home alone for 9 days.”

  2. “The Third Birthday Marks the Beginning of the ‘Pants Optional’ Phase of Life, Study Shows”

    “A Long Awaited Bowel Movement Will Most Likely Occur When The Final Buckle of a Child’s Carseat is Secured”

    …… sigh.

  3. “Baby WIll Sleep Through Night Enough Times in a Row to Get Mom’s Hopes Up, Then Dash Them Two Nights Running.”

    1. This is the worst, and most prevalent trick babies play on their parents. It’s so much worse when they don’t sleep through the night and you know that it’s possible for them to do so.

  4. “A mother of two says she was pushed to her limits. Green plastic Easter grass littered in her house was the last straw. An intervention has taken place and she will be transported out of town immediately for retail therapy.”

  5. Mother spends 20 min. carving intricate designs in old potatoes ( circle, triangle) after loosing all sense in pinterest parenting. Child spends 0.335 seconds using them to create her masterpiece.

    Smart eldest child collapses weekly in horror over her enrichment book report due every Monday. She becomes enraged that her parents ask her to do such horrible things. Child completes similar book report form in class in record time. She explains that she always wants to do what her teacher asks in school.

    Eldest child cannot take a breathe at home to stop talking or singing, even when she is supposed to be doing anything else. Home environment is too distracting for her to get dressed, brush teeth, sit on her chair, or listen. School staff sees this child as almost too quiet and an excellent listener.

    Mother asks youngest child if she is going to be a baker when she grows up. Child looks at Mom with absolute horror, telling her mother that she never wants to leave her and can she stay with her forever and ever. Child sobs in bed shortly after bedtime, explaining to Mom that she is going to miss her so much when she grows up. Mom and child decide to become business partners when child grows up so they always have to stay together.

  6. Toddler nearly dies of starvation in two minutes before Chinese food is delivered when heartless mother refuses to feed her popcorn.

    Local children considering charging parents with neglect for not letting them have Chromebook; basis of claim is “Ashley’s mom let her have a Chromebook.”

    Department of Labor investigating violation of child labor laws for father forcing 5 year old boy to pick up his Legos every night.

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