Rachel Callahan

Changin’

November 10, 2010November 10, 2010 Rachel Callahan I'm a Blog Geek, Newsflash

Yes, it’s been over 48 hours since I’ve blogged.

Yes, I’m going into withdrawals.

No, I haven’t had a baby.

I’ve just been in transition….

After a few months of agonizing about making The Big Change, a failed attempt at doing it on my own, and a few weeks of working with a great crew of people at Blogalicious Designs to help me with it, I’ve finally transitioned. Welcome to my new WordPress blog!

(Insert Cheering Crowds of Other Bloggers Here.)

(Insert Confused and Indifferent Looks of Non-Bloggers Here.)

I’ve been wanting to do it all my life (or at least for the past year) because of the plethora of problems with Blogger. But what really put me over the edge were the problems that so many of you have been having with commenting.

As I’ve mentioned a few times before, I love to blog because of the relationships. I’ve met hundreds of amazing people through blogging that I wouldn’t have met otherwise, and although I try to read all of your blogs (if I know about them), the best way for me to interact with you and get to know you is through your comments. So it pains deeply me every time I find out someone wanted to comment but wasn’t able to.

WordPress is different, for sure, but it is a MUCH more stable platform, and hopefully you will find it easier to leave comments. It SHOULD save your information after you leave your first comment (if you have cookies enabled) so that you won’t have to enter it each time, so if your first comment is clunky, cross your fingers that it will get easier after that.

Also, you do NOT have to put in a website – if you don’t have one, just leave it blank. You DO have to put in an email address (which will not be visible to anyone but me). The email address is great, because it enables me to respond to your comments in my preferred form, via a response email. As I said, I love the interaction!

This change also should make it easier for those of you who read blogs on iPhones or other mobile devices – let me know if it doesn’t load faster.

B-Sides and Alabama Bloggers are still hosted at Blogger for now – I’m starting with one site at a time. At some point, I hope to transition the other two, but I’m not in a huge hurry – change scares me, after all.

PLEASE let me know if you have any questions or problems, or if things don’t seem to be showing up right on your screen. It will take me a while to work out all the quirks of the new site (including getting all the comments imported from my last few posts), so please let me know of anything you notice that isn’t working quite right, that is missing, or that you have problems with. And, of course, PLEASE let me know if you have any commenting problems.

Also, if you’re a feed subscriber, nothing should change – it should be seamless. But if not, let me know and I’ll help you get it fixed.

Thanks so much to Blogalicious Designs for my new design and all of their work on getting me transferred, and welcome to my new home!!!

Setting Unrealistic Expectations Since 2007.

November 8, 2010November 10, 2010 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, Deception: A Parent's Best Friend, Kids: The Experience., Pregnancy: The Psychoses.

It’s a strange phenomenon that no matter how long you’ve been married and how many kids you have, if you add someone else’s kid to the mix, it always feels like you’re “playing house” all over again.

We’ve been keeping one of our favorite two-year-olds in the world, Radford, all weekend, and Ali has blissfully been playing house as well.And, I’m afraid, the weekend may have given Ali some very unrealistic ideas about how her life is going to change in six weeks.

Little brothers are fun!

Little brothers are responsive!

Little brothers will play with you!

Little brothers will laugh with you!

When you find a nasty, melted, unrecognizable, covered-in-lint Skittle and say, “Ew, this is really nasty!! Touch it!!”, little brothers will touch it, scream “EWW!!”, and you will both fall into a fit of laughter, over and over and over again, until the lint is almost all rubbed off that Skittle of nastiness.

When you call from downstairs, “Radford!!! Come downstairs and play with me!!!”, little brothers will answer back, “Pummin’, Ali!!!”

When you ~~boss~~ instruct little brothers as to how they should play with you, they will hang upon your every word and obey you as if you are God.

When you play school with little brothers, they will attentively learn and thrill you with your own excellent teaching abilities.

Her unrealistic expectations of the extraordinary fun of siblings wasn’t helped at all by adding two more fun kids, her cousins Eli and Tessa, to the mix on Sunday. It was playing-together-age-kid heaven!

(Tessa also had a few unrealistic expectations yesterday, but hers were more centered around unrealistic ideas of desirable career choices:)

But I digress.

The bottom line is, Ali is more excited than ever about baby Noah arriving.

But I fear she will be sorely disappointed.

…But that’s okay, because Ali certainly dashed a bunch of unrealistic expectations of how fun a newborn was for me, so now we’ll be even.

Maybe it’s time to pull out some of her newborn pictures and show her how very UN-Radford like babies enter this world.

Reality. Sometimes it’s a real scream.

Who’s Your Most Romantic Singer? And A Giveaway – Norah Jones’ New Album!

November 7, 2010November 15, 2010 Rachel Callahan Giveaways and Contests

A few weeks ago, I rather bashfully proclaimed via Twitter and Facebook who I found to be THE most romantic singer in the world. I expected everyone to make fun of me for my choice (Bryan Adams – …sigh…), but only one person did, and a bunch of people agreed with me, surprisingly enough.

But what I REALLY didn’t expect was that my proclamation sparked the widest reaching conversation/debate that I’ve ever had on my Facebook wall… and it was fascinating to see who everyone chose for their most romantic artist.

So, when Chris and I were sitting on the couch that night, I asked him who his pick was, and it didn’t take him much time to answer: Norah Jones.

…And then he got this faraway, dreamy look in his eyes as I saw him start to mentally romance-out to Norah Jones…

…And then the singing began, as he gave me multiple examples of Norah Jones songs that he found to be especially romantic…

…And then…oh never mind.

So, the next week, when I got an email asking if I’d like to review and give away a copy of Norah Jones’ newest CD, well I just HAD to jump at that opportunity!

Norah Jones’ newest collection, “…Featuring”, will be released on November 16th, and it is an amazing collection of all of the collaborations that Norah has done over the past decade.

…Which makes this album one of the most diverse albums I’ve ever heard – 18 songs with artists from every genre, including Dolly Parton, the Foo Fighters, Willie Nelson, OutKast, Ray Charles, and Ryan Adams.

(Ryan, not Bryan Adams…too bad – a duet between Norah Jones and Bryan Adams would be, like, the most magicest moment ever for our marriage.)

I loved all of the different sounds and genres of the album – it includes Blues, Jazz, R&B, Rock, and Country, to name a few.

And Chris? He most definitely approved.

If you would like to win a copy of this excellent new album, leave a comment and tell me who YOUR choice is for the most romantic artist.

You can earn up to four extra entries by:

Like Norah Jones on Facebook
Tweet, blog, OR Facebook about this giveaway
Subscribe to OR Follow my blog
Follow me on Twitter OR Facebook

(be sure to leave separate comments for your extra entries.)

Best of luck! This giveaway is open until Monday, November 15th. The winner will be randomly selected and posted on my giveaway winners page on Tuesday, November 16th (the same day the album is released, so if you don’t win it, you can always buy it!).

Disclosure: I received a review copy of the CD, but no other compensation for this giveaway, other than, I suppose, an extremely blissful husband. My opinions are always my own. And yes, I know Bryan Adams is one ugly man. But he’s got an amazingly romantic voice, much like Ms. Jones.

A Foreshadowing? …The Cattle are Glowering.

November 4, 2010 Rachel Callahan I embarrass myself just for your amusement., Just My Luck, Storytime

If any of you had any slight deja vu feelings come over you while reading my Halloween Post (I Love My Husband Even When He’s An…) earlier this week, you weren’t crazy. There is, actually, a possible explanation as to why I would want my husband to dress up as a donkey, and evidence that my husband was actually making my childhood dreams come true to by making me dress as Mary. And so, to explain everything, I offer you this reprint of a post from last year…

The Cattle are Glowering

…originally posted December 8, 2009

The year was 1987. I was six years old, and there was a huge opportunity coming up that could greatly advance my acting career.

The Homeschool Christmas play.

I desperately desired the part of Mary. There was nothing more in the WORLD that I wanted to do with my life than to play Mary in this ever-prestigious production. I practiced my part in the privacy of my room – looking holy, quiet, and angelic while clasping my hands and adoring my baby doll. I had it down pat.

The day for casting came. I couldn’t wait to find out that I would get chosen for the part as Mary!

They announced – it would be Rachel…Tingles went up my spine…and then they said the last name.

It was another Rachel.

She was two years older than me, with beautiful blond curly hair, gorgeous blue eyes, and a perfect Cindy Crawford lip freckle – the kind that we all wanted in the 80’s.

I was devastated. Sure, she was more beautiful than me, but come on, people – we all know that Mary wasn’t a blond!

Was it the freckle? Because I can draw one on.

And then, they announced my role. I made the play all right – I would be… The cow.

Hey – at least I wasn’t the Donkey.

And really, I was lucky NOT to be the Donkey, as it appears that it was in my genes:

I wonder what my Mom’s reaction was when my Dad suggested that costume pairing….

At any rate, back to the play.

My part in the play would be to look on ~~enviously~~ adoringly as Mary portrayed her holy hand-clasped self, and then when Away in a Manger got to the line about “The Cattle are Lowing”, I had my big debut: I was to lay down.

…but I was so distracted by being jealous of Mary that I totally forgot to lay down – the donkey had to remind me. I was completely mortified for the rest of the play at my not meeting my own performance expectations. I didn’t deserve to be Mary.

However, despite my clarity of memory about being a cow, I did NOT remember that I did have another part in the play until I found this picture:I was apparently a violin-playing cow.

I really missed my acting career opportunity – if only I could have gotten on with Chick-Fil-A at the beginning of their cow campaigns, I could have realized my potential after all.

We of course had a wild and crazy after-party, where Mary was looking as smug as ever about her leading role:

Oddly enough, the donkey looked even more smug.

Obviously, she had lower expectations of her acting career than I did.

So, psychologically speaking, I am subconsciously playing out my Donkeyed-Mom’s revenge on my Father by making my husband dress up as a Donkey…despite the fact that he obviously makes all of my Mary-acting dreams come true.

Exploring (New) Birmingham

November 3, 2010November 12, 2013 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, Actually Possibly Informational, I Love Birmingham, Newsflash, Shopping: A Girl's Best Friend, The Blissfulness of Life

When I was a little girl, my impression of Birmingham’s downtown area was a jumble of closed up, falling apart, and run-down buildings. My Mom would tell me of their grandness when she was a child, and I would daydream as to what it must have been like to dress up in my Sunday best to go shopping downtown.

Because of this, my childhood assumption was that all downtowns were dead or dying like Birmingham’s was. I was amazed to visit vibrant city centers like Atlanta and Chattanooga and discover that in other cities, people not only went downtown, but actually lived downtown. I became, and stayed, very jealous of other cities’ awesome urban-ness.

So it absolutely thrills my heart that Birmingham is finally, but very rapidly, changing. We have real things in downtown now – Ali and I often visit our awesome children’s science center, The McWane Center, the historic but falling down buildings are being refitted and turned into lofts quicker than I can keep up with, and new and very-Atlanta-looking condominiums are popping up all around.

I hope that Ali’s assumptions about downtowns are completely different than mine were.

The newest addition to downtown’s growing appeal is Railroad Park. Located right in the middle of the city between 1st Avenue South and 1st Avenue North, it is a beautiful, crisp, fresh urban park. It is comprised of 19 acres of ponds, streams, playgrounds, picnic benches, walking and biking trails, and beautiful green areas.

We visited Railroad Park for the first time on Saturday, and it endeared me even more to our newly reviving downtown.

Ali loved running in the grass…

And on the long benches.

The playground was very clean and enclosed for plenty of safe playing,

And the streams and ponds were beautiful – and made even more so by the railroad tracks and downtown skyline behind them:

There were also “biking bowls” (for lack of a better term??) and a skate park across the street for those more daring than my child will probably ever be.

They also advertise a Dining Car on their website at which we planned on eating, but it is either only open during the week or not quite open yet, or we were just too dense to be able to find it. However, there IS a Dominoes across the street that gladly sold us a Pizza Picnic.

Ali and I also visited another new addition to our city on Friday – one that I have been ever-so-anxiously awaiting the arrival of: The Shops of Grand River.
Located in Leeds (which is much closer than most people think – it’s the very next exit off of I-20 after 459), it’s a brand new and quite large outlet center – something that Birmingham has lacked for a long time (sorry, Watermark, but you never really satiated my needs for outlet shopping).

They opened last Thursday and have a great selection of stores – all of my favorites, for sure. At first, I wasn’t sure about the internal format – I was afraid it would be hard to get around, but once we arrived, I loved it – it felt very much like a mall with two open-air hallways:

I was also surprised that the stores were already running some great deals – I figured since it was opening weekend, they might not have sales yet, but I picked up several things for Ali and Noah at highly discounted prices.

One store I was especially excited to visit was Stone Soup – run by my Aunt Tena of Earthborn Pottery (that I’ve talked about many times before), it is a conglomeration gallery of many local artists of all different types. And it was huge!!

The selection was an awesome mix of paintings, pottery, furniture, mixed media, glass art, and all sorts of other exciting artisan-level pieces at great prices – I will definitely be going back there for some Christmas shopping.

Ali found her favorite, a centipede:

Ali and I also checked out the food court, which was really great, except that half of the eateries weren’t open yet. But once they all open, there will be a good selection.

I was also very happy to see that, although the sidewalks were prepared for the arrival of my Nemeses…

There were NO kiosks installed yet.

Maybe they’ll let us have a happy, peaceful holiday shopping season before implementing Kiosk Predators.

Despite all of the walking we did, even Ali was a fan – when it was time to go, she begged me for more – “But I want to stay at The New Mall for FOREVER!!”
Both Railroad Park and The Shops at Grand River are great additions to Birmingham and the surrounding area – I’m thrilled to see our city growing and changing!

Disclaimer: No one paid me or asked me to write these reviews – I just enjoyed our outings and wanted to make sure that all you local people knew about the exciting additions to Birmingham.

The Second Annual Holiday Shopping (Un)Guide.

November 2, 2010 Rachel Callahan I would NEVER take too many pictures. . ., Kids: The Experience., Photographical Oddities, Shopping: A Girl's Best Friend, Weird Strange and True

It’s that time again…the time that all of the crazy baby catalogs in my mailbox have to move over to make room for all of the even crazier toy catalogs. I seriously just need to put a dumpster out front – the mailbox just isn’t cutting it.

And, since I wrote you a shopping guide last year to make your Christmas perusing easier, I couldn’t help but ~~torture you with another one~~ do it again.

Let’s start with fake pets, because really, who DOESN’T need one?

I’m sure that after a year of listening to the annoying whirl of the Zhu Zhu hamster your kid got for Christmas last year, you were (like I) REALLY hoping that fake hamsters were SOOOO 2009.

But no. Gear up to buy more fake hamsters…but this time, at least they don’t look like realistic rodents that MIGHT have made you scream once or twice as they came barreling toward you…

Apparently, hamsters have gotten more aggressive, now having morphed into “Special Forces Hamsters” and “Ninja Warrior Hamsters”…

(Because I always think of a fierce, predatory animal when I think of hamsters.)

OR they have gone the other way, and demand convertibles and pampering at their own salon..

Rodents. You give them an inch of fame, and they go nutso…

But if you’re looking for a bigger animal to latch onto, I suggest Big Foot.

Somebody’s been doing their research into Big Foot Myths to make sure to accurately portray the giant’s talents… check them out:

Rapping. Just what I always picture Big Foot doing out there in the cold, Northern woods…

But if you’re one of those parents that tends to worry about all of the media-hyped childhood issues, there’s a toy that can solve the two biggest ones: make them exercise AND do math at the same time!!

Have you EVER seen a child so thrilled about burning through math problems and calories simultaneously? Obviously, this toy will bring much joy, smaller midsections, and higher IQs to your household – what more could your child want??

If you were a child of the 80’s and are feeling rather reminiscent of the toys you played with, you’re in luck – there is a very heavy 80’s influence in the catalog this year. I guess they think that parents of our generation will be totally suckered into buying our kids the toys that we played with.

Only problem is, our kids are used to stunning graphics, interactive controllers, and touch screen monitors. I don’t think they’ll be too impressed with Alphie, even IF we tell them that we loved ours so much we slept with it:
And they’re used to all riding toys being motorized or at least battery powered… Sit ‘n Spin… WAY too much work.
But the Ghostbusters…how could they NOT be thrilled by a giant puffy marshmallow dude in a Chippendale-esque sailor collar with no shirt attached?

But as our toys are finding new life, their toys seem to be aging rapidly. For instance, Dora seems to have hit puberty sometime between the 2009 and 2010 catalog:

I half expect to turn on Dora The Explorer tomorrow and the episode be titled “Dora and Training Bra Adventures”.

Moving on to a couple of toys to encourage your child in their future careers…

If you want your kid to want to be the next super-risk-taking-animal-scientist-TV-star, then this line of toys is for you:
…but they MIGHT catch you off guard a little more violently than last year’s Hamster.

Or, if you want your child to chase another television-inspired dream career…

…because who DOESN’T let their 10 year old watch CSI??

But, if you really just want to encourage your child to sit on their butts and enjoy the indulgent nature of childhood, then they REALLY need a TV with a Magic Wand Remote Control:

However, if you want to sell your kid on the idea that the outdoors are more fun than their magic wanded pink TV, then you TOTALLY need to buy them the ever-realistic Glamour Camper:

I’m pretty sure that the terms “Glamour” and “Camper” have never been used together before… Cousin Eddie would be so proud.

And, speaking of fostering realistic dreams, don’t forget Princes and Carriages…

I had no idea Ken joined a boy band… but wow at the hair. Is he supposed to look like Justin Bieber? Because if so, it’s a total fail – way too much helmetyness and way too little swoopiness going on.

If you want to offer more realistic ideas of life, though, then the Monster High girls are here for you:

…because it’s really best to go ahead and start preparing them, as early as possible, for how monstrous high school girls can really be.

Enough girl’s toys. Now for a few really great boy finds…

I don’t know about you, but when I was a tween, my friend’s brother’s favorite pasttimes were to spy on us. They would have had SO much more success had they been able to attain this device:

Yes, our spend-the-night parties would have been SO much more interesting…and filled with indignant screams.

And this one – this one is totally awesome for adult boys, too. Chris totally needs an alarm clock that says this to him in the morning:

And finally, this year’s scary-predatory-monster toy: because what family doesn’t need a fast-moving, projectile-spitting “Terrordactyl” that snaps at anything that moves??

Yes, Christmas still brings families together in SUCH a joyous way.

Now that your shopping list should be complete, get out there and get shopping!!

I Adore My Husband, Even When He’s An . . .

November 1, 2010September 23, 2013 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, I'm a Glutton for Adventure, Pregnancy: The Psychoses., Trunk and Treat, Utter Silliness

Yes. That really is Chris that I’m sitting upon.

You see, he’s always had this strange desire of wanting me to play the role of Mary when I’m pregnant. I avoided it when I was expecting Ali, but this year, he begged relentlessly.

And so, I agreed. With one condition: that he couldn’t be Joseph. After all – he doesn’t LOOK like Joseph. If he wanted me to be Mary, he had to be my Donkey.

And so, we had a deal.

Our Church holds a Trunk and Treat each year, where people dress their cars up with different themes and hand out candy to thousands of kids from the area, so Chris masterminded our theme:

~~Tailgating~~ Traveling to Bethlehem.

We knew the distance we had to go…

And, for those who asked where Joseph was, he was headed out to fulfill my craving:

We were also prepared for our upcoming arrival:

Including the proper traveling safety measures:

And, of course, I had a reference book for the journey, just in case I ran into any questions:

Our entourage was a single angel,

Who travelled back and forth between our campsite and Heaven, which happened to be the car next door:

But our Angel was shockingly helpful with the candy-handing-out, despite her usual fear of strangers (especially strangely dressed ones), tirelessly picking up candy (only eating one in every 100 or so pieces),

And passing it out to the crushing crowds (over 3,000 visitors in 2 hours!!):

Donkey also handed out his fair share of candy, despite mixed reactions from the smaller consumers, including shock

And disgust.

And yes, I managed to hand out a bit also. And yes, I’m sure Mary had Birkenstocks and drank out of a Tervis Tumbler.

I had been having pretty intense contractions all day and the night before, so of course I was having visions of having to report to Labor and Delivery dressed as the Mother of God.

And, of course, them not having any rooms available.

However, I managed to survive without the need of the hospital stable.

Donkey was the one who was probably closer to passing out than I – rubber masks and thick flannel onesies, apparently, aren’t so breathable. Every now and then, he would disgust me to the point of hysterical laughter when he would open his donkey mouth really wide and point the mouth-hole downward, creating a literal waterfall of sweat to empty out his snout.

It was nasty. Just like Donkeys tend to be.

And Ali – she had a wonderful time. Despite giving out candy, collecting her own candy, seeing all of the costumes and hanging out with her friends, when I asked her what her favorite part of the whole night was, she quickly and confidently responded…

“Seeing the old pumpkin by the trash can when I went to throw away all of the candy wrappers!!!”

Now THAT’S a successful night.

Survey Saturday: Push Presents and Cameras.

October 30, 2010 Rachel Callahan Pregnancy: The Psychoses., Survey Says. . .

I never write posts on Saturdays anymore, unless I just have something really important to say, or unless I have a survey.

(I have no idea what the connection is, except that “Survey Saturday” flows really well.)

But this is both: it’s a matter of grave importance AND a survey.

Push Presents.

i.e., a present for Mommy recognizing the grueling and laborious work of nine months that culminates into an act so violent and gruesome that it had to be the result of some sort of curse on women.

(Thanks a lot, Eve.)

I had never heard of a push present until a couple of months ago when one of my also-pregnant friends, Jessica, posted on Facebook what she wanted for her push present.

Of course, I immediately thought that the idea was absolutely stinkin’ brilliant, totally regretted not knowing about it when I had Ali, and also assumed that if you earn a “cut you open from pelvic bone to pelvic bone present” instead of a literal push present, that of course there should be a 20% increase in gift value.

Which means that I should get a Cut-You-Open present (plus four years of interest) for Ali and a to-be-determined present for Noah.

Right?

So I told Chris about the amazingly wonderful idea of a push present, and although he, being the extremely smart man that he is, did not in any way impune my deserving state of such a present and said he would gladly recognize my ~~misery~~ efforts with a present, was somewhat suspicious that this idea actually existed since neither of us had ever heard of it.

Which made me start to think: was my friend just full of brilliance and made the concept up and told her husband that everyone got one?

Or have I just been missing out?

So I did my research due diligence: Wikipedia.

Apparently, men in England and India have had this tradition right for a long time, but it’s a fairly new concept in the US, and is spreading through peer pressure (or, more likely, pregnant-wife-pressure) and, of course, jewelry store advertising campaigns.

Two quotes from Wiki:

“It’s more and more an expectation of moms these days that they deserve something for bearing the burden for nine months, getting sick, ruining their body.”

Yes!!

And…

“A 2007 survey of over 30,000 respondents by BabyCenter.com found that 38% of new mothers received a push present, and 55% of pregnant mothers wanted one, though fewer thought it was actually expected. About 40% of both groups said the baby itself was already a present and did not wish an additional reward.”

(gag!!!) – why let the little detail of the blessing of a new baby take away from the opportunity for a present to recognize our grueling efforts???

Forty percent of the world is CA-RRRAZY.

At any rate, if you’re wondering, my push present dream (or, more accurately, my push present plus back-interest cut-you-open present plus Christmas present) is to finally get a Big Girl Camera. To move up into the world of DSLRs.

Just barely – mind you – nothing professional or crazy expensive. Now I’ve just got to decide if I want to go Nikon or Canon…and which one – I’m way overwhelmed by all the different models.

So. To sum up this unbelievably-important survey, Here’s what I need to know:

1. Have you heard of a push present?

2. Did you get a push present?

3. What sort of DSLR camera should I get?

The fate of the world hinges on your answers.

A Plague Has Come Upon Us.

October 29, 2010 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, Just My Luck, Kids: The Experience.

a mere four days…

plus

weather consisting of tornado warnings, high temperatures, rain, and intense humidity…

turned this…

into this.

one of them seems to have acquired a terrible case of rotting beardface…

and the other, a horrifically painful-looking throat infection, along a malady of behind-the-eye-socket fuzz.

four days.

all that work for FOUR DAYS.

for the record, my glitter pumpkins are as healthy as can be.

…and maybe a little gloaty about their state of well-being.

was our household the only one hit by the pumpkin plague?

is this normal???

Kiosk Warfare: A Guide for Survival.

October 27, 2010July 21, 2020 Rachel Callahan "Deep" Thoughts by Rachel, Actually Possibly Informational, Anal Retentivity to a Fault, Pop Post, Popular Posts, Shopping: A Girl's Best Friend, This is TONGUE IN CHEEK People - Don't take me Seriously., Utter Silliness

The mall is a glorious place for Moms of young children. Akin to an indoor playground for both Mother AND Child, it is full of glee-filled places such as Toy Stores, hot dog trucks, carousels, and, of course, shopping.

But it doesn’t come without it’s risks – without the dangers of attack.

The Kiosk Predators.

I often wonder if they hate their job as much as I hate their job.

Although some kiosks sell desirable things, the ones with the predators are the ones that sell things that no one wants for more money than anyone would ever pay, and their only hope is to convince you to let them try their undesirable product on you which will STILL not make you want it, all of which creates an attitude of desperation, which, if handled wrong, can turn into hostility and even, legend has it, violence.

So, you can either spend your mall visits having the following continuous dialogue… “No, I would not like my hair straightened. No I would not like a freaky hairpiece. No, my three year old doesn’t need a hairpiece either. No, I would not like a 15 minute massage while my kid runs amuck throughout the mall. No, I don’t smoke, nor do I know anyone who needs your electric cigarettes. And, by the way, you look really cheesy smoking them.”

Or, you can implement a few simple strategies to help you avoid, overcome, and come out victorious against the Great Kiosk Predators.

And, since everyone may not spend as much time at the mall as I do, I decided to write a guide to help you survive any holiday mall trips you may find yourself embarking upon.

1. You must know your enemies and their strategies.

a. The Eastern European guy at The Nutty Bavarian booth will try to draw you in with his Mediterranean dark, mysterious, sultry eyes. Do not make eye contact lest you become unable to refuse his nut samples.

b. The Barbie-esque hair straightener girls are vicious. Don’t turn your back on them lest you find yourself jabbed in the back with a 200 degree hair straightener. Also, if not told no firmly enough (all while not turning your back on them), they will try a second attempt of wanting to straighten your child’s hair. Apparently, they lack the common sense that 200 degrees + 3 year olds does not end in a happy equation.

c. The Israeli guy at the weird sea salt lotion booth will implore you with a look of desperation, as if he is kept in a cage underneath the kiosk at night. He will also not give up. You must be firm and walk fast. Very fast. Oh – and the Israeli trinkets he sells at Christmastime? Check the little gold sticker. They’re usually made in Lebanon. Ironic, no?

d. The Chinese hairpiece lady may try to throw a hairpiece into your head before you even see her. This may feel like you just got attacked by a small, furry woodland creature. Don’t panic – she’ll use your moment of confusion against you.

2. Be aware of High Risk Days. Similar to the smog alert that comes on the news each morning, prepare yourself accordingly.

If it is a less crowded day at the mall, the risk of attack is higher because the prey is less available.
If it is holiday season, the number of Kiosk Predators may be higher, raising the risk of attack.
If you are alone, your risk is MUCH greater. Travel in packs to help ensure safety, and to help you escape (without buying a small woodland creature for your hair) if you get ensnared.

3. Know the Kiosk Danger Zones and plan your route accordingly. For instance, I have made the following sample diagram and legend of my mall, the Riverchase Galleria, to aid in the planning process:

As you can see, most areas of certain attack can be avoided by strategically planning your route between the two floors. But, of course, you may NEED to go through the high risk areas of the mall, so when you enter a yellow zone, you need to go ahead and start planning your Strategy of Avoidance…

4. Strategies of Avoidance:

Hang back away from the red zone until you see someone of a similar attackable demographic walking by. Then run past as quickly as you can while they are devoured by the flesh-eating-Kioskers.
Walk as closely to the “real” stores as possible, looking intently in each and every window. This is a weak strategy, however, because Kiosk Predators are not afraid to reach out and grab you. Also, you may walk into someone else due to your intent focus on the stores.
Pinch your child to make them scream right as you’re walking into a red zone. They should decide that you’re not worth the kill, but even if they don’t, you can pretend you can’t hear them over the wails of distress.
Have a failproof excuse for each booth. To the Nutty Bavarian, say as you walk by quickly, “I’m allergic to nuts.” To the hair straightener girls, “I prefer the frizzy look.” To the hairpiece lady, “I’m already wearing a hairpiece. Can’t you tell this isn’t real??”

The bottom line is that preparation is key. And it may be the only way that you don’t find yourself wondering how and when you bought a hairpiece for your baby.