Rachel Callahan

Grounded For Life.

May 2, 2012May 1, 2012 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, Blogging: the therapy., Just My Luck, Parent of the Year, Toddlers: The Experience

This kid is grounded.

Consider these symptoms:

For our entire vacation last week, he walked around with his finger jammed in his right ear.

…Or if he wasn’t doing that, he was shaking his head out to the right, as if he was desperately trying to knock loose a gallon of water from within the depths of his eardrum.

…Or if he wasn’t doing that, he had his whole right ear clinched in his fist, moaning.

The first night we were there, he slept horribly, which is quite unusual for him.

Also unusual for him – sleeping excessively.

On our first full day back home, he slept in until 10am, then fell asleep in a loud, bright room at 12:30 (from which I promptly woke him to preserve the Sanctity of Nap), then when it was The Holy Appointed Time of Nap, he slept for 3 1/2 hours.

And in the short periods of time in which he was awake that day, his nose spewed forth gallons of snot, and his grouchiness reached new heights, causing my toes to curl and my teeth to grind.

What would you assume?

Ear infection, right?

So I fought off my fears of being labeled as the HypochondriParent and made an appointment for the next morning.

I gathered my courage and my two children and a piece of chocolate or two and headed for the Pediatrician’s office.

Of course, thanks to Murphy’s Law of Parenting #201, Noah was suddenly full of abounding and overflowing energy and hyper-euphoria as soon as we arrived in the waiting room, wanting to touch and suck on all surfaces while visiting with every other sick or otherwise kid in the place.

As was his sister, except for the sucking part.

Then we headed to our exam room.

Murphy’s Law of Parenting #202: The smaller the space and the longer you’re confined in it, the more completely your children will fill said space with cacophony and unending movement. And they will also feel the need increase their veracity to touch and/or suck on every surface.

So by the time we were placed in a room, saw the nurse, and waited for the doctor, my nerves were completely fried.

Which explains my huge sigh of frustration when she looked in his right ear and said, “It’s perfect!”

And my uncontainable groan of aggravation when she looked in his left ear and said, “Yup, it’s perfect too!!”

Thankfully, my Pediatrician is a compassionate and kind fellow-mother and understands the frustration of a baby TRICKING you into thinking that they needed to be treated when all they had is a RIDICULOUS COLD with NOTHING TO BE DONE ABOUT IT.

(And therefore she did not turn me into Child Protective Services for being angry that my kid did not, indeed, have an ear infection.)

So here’s what I’d like to say, for all mothers everywhere:

It is totally okay to hope that your kid has an ear infection.

Because the Fake-Ear-Infection-That-Is-Really-Just-A-Cold-And-Will-Make-You-Never-Trust-Their-Ear-Pulling-Again-And-Also-Be-Filled-With-Fear-Of-What-New-Germs-They-Licked-Off-The-Exam-Room-Floor is MUCH WORSE than a real ear infection.

Also?

It is totally okay to be momentarily mad at your one year old for faking an ear infection just so that they could get a sucker at the doctor’s office that they’re not old enough to properly eat anyway, thereby forcing you to take it away from them when you get to the car which causes them to scream…and tug at their ear.

Lucky for him, he’s cute – even when he’s covered in snot, pulling on his ear, and screaming in protest over Sucker Inequities.

Conquering Teething, and $100 Target Gift Card Giveaway!

May 1, 2012April 30, 2012 Rachel Callahan Giveaways and Contests

Having a boy teether has been a completely different experience.

Because let’s face it – men do not handle pain as well as women.

(Or at the very least, they want you to be fiercely aware of their discomfort at all times.)

But despite Noah’s continuous anger while teething, I don’t like the thought of constantly medicating my baby, despite his (at times) quite unbearable composition.

Every time I’ve asked other moms how they handle this incorrigible stage, they’ve told me the miracle cure is homeopathic teething tablets.

But the complicating factor was that they were sold in very few stores and were made by a company I’d never heard of. I’ve not been able to find them since Ali was a baby, but they definitely helped her.

So I was super excited to find out that Baby Orajel Naturals is now making their own all-natural teething tablets. A major brand I know well and that will be a lot easier to find in stores!

They sent me a few bottles to try out, and the timing couldn’t have been more perfect. Noah just cut his seventh tooth, and since they’ve all come in pairs, I knew number eight was not far behind.

When I showed Chris the bottle, he looked skeptical.

“They’re … pills??”

“Yes, but they’re dissolvable, and he really likes them!”

And so I demonstrated our process.

1. Begin by cornering very angry baby.

2. Pull out the bottle and watch angry baby morph into excited baby. Pull out first teething tablet and hand to baby. Watch ensuing admiration and intrigue.

3. Pop the pill under their tongue for them. Watch as baby looks shocked and confused at the disappearance of the dissolving treat.

4. Wait patiently for about 10 minutes, then enjoy the newly calm,

and possibly even happy baby.

(Okay, yes. There was a wardrobe change in there. But that’s another thing that boys require more of.)

Although I still give him Tylenol or Ibuprofen when the pain seems to get to be too much, it’s nice to have an all-natural supplement for the milder teething days.

And, in case you’re wondering the details of what is in these happiness-inducing pills, they use Chamomilla as one of their key ingredients and are belladonna-free, benzocaine-free, dye-free, alcohol-free and paraben-free.

And for you, Baby Orajel Naturals and BlogHer are teaming up to give one lucky reader a $100 Target Gift Card!

If you would like to enter for a chance to win, simply comment on the post and share one of your favorite parenting moments…or funniest parenting moment…or even most horrific parenting moment!! I just want to hear about a moment, so entertain me.

Rules:

1. No duplicate comments.

2. You may receive (2) total entries by selecting from the following entry methods:

Leave a comment in response to the sweepstakes prompt on this post.
Tweet about this promotion and leave the URL to that tweet in a comment on this post.
Blog about this promotion and leave the URL to that post in a comment on this post.
For those with no Twitter or blog, read the official rules to learn about an alternate form of entry.

This giveaway is open to US Residents age 18 or older. Winner will be selected via random draw, and will be notified by e-mail. You have 72 hours to get back to me, otherwise a new winner will be selected.

The Official Rules are available here.

This sweepstakes runs from 5/1 – 5/31/2012.

So tell me a story. And best of luck!!

Be sure to visit the Baby Orajel page on BlogHer.com where you can read other bloggers’ reviews and find more chances to win.

Disclosure: This post is in conjunction with a BlogHer Sponsored Promotion. All opinions herein are mine (and Noah’s).

Orajel® is a registered trademark of Church & Dwight.

The Vacation Album.

April 30, 2012April 29, 2012 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, Free Family Vacations, Kids: The Experience., The Blissfulness of Life

Last week was our somewhat-annual family vacation.

Somewhat-Annual Family Vacation: \ noun \ ; what my family does instead of exchange gifts for any holidays or birthdays; a vacation that is supposed to occur annually but periodically gets cancelled for the purposes of birthing babies, during which years nobody gets anything. Except new babies.

Last year, two babies were born, so we skipped. Which means that this year, we went from having three kids to five kids, five and under, all staying in one house, which happened to be hanging off the side of a mountain.

(I know. Some of you have five kids five and under every day. And I highly respect you for that endeavor. An endeavor that I will never experience firsthand. Except on family vacations.)

But despite the whole falling-off-a-mountain risk (which we managed fairly well), the view was the centerpiece of our vacation.

The house we rented in Saluda, North Carolina took every opportunity to take our eyes off the view and onto their garish mountain décor.

Like this exquisite piece of art…

Or this one, which kept us arguing the entire trip.

“I think it’s a path.”

“No, it’s definitely a stream!!”

“Could it be a luge track?”

“No. It’s clearly a road!”

The light fixtures were also… special.

But my personal favorite was the bathroom art. Because who doesn’t love a good bronze profile of a kid peeing?

The owners are lucky that I didn’t steal them.

But despite their fascinating choices in design, they were set up pretty perfectly for a giant group of kids, including high chairs, cribs, kid beds, and a more-than-fully-stocked playroom.

This gave Noah the opportunity to ponder,

and perfect his artistic leanings.

On our first family adventure, we took the kids to downtown Asheville, where they got to experience quite a bit of… um, culture.

But after Tessa awkwardly plopped down next to and intensely stared at one of the making-out couples writhing around in the grass rather grotesquely, the magic was lost and they wandered off, two by two.

Then the kids had a lovely time playing on that in-need-of-Lysol grass,

demanding refills,

looking pretty,

climbing on annoyed statues,

getting whipped by hair,

and hefting into giant bowls, just begging to be filled with children.

We found an impromptu drum circle, where they joyfully joined in with their dance skills,

which highly complimented the grown man break dancing, I must say.

We were also accosted by a juggling demonstration,

And all oohed and aahed appropriately.

Ali was actually pretty taken with the dude,

But Noah scoffed at his art.

The next day, we took our adventures to the woods, where Ali was quick to find a new friend:

Her finding skills made her quite popular with all of the cousins.

We set off on a hike to find a Pearson Falls, thankful for obliging grandparents.

We enjoyed the fabulous architecture,

Beautiful streams,

and the kids loved the rocks most of all, of course.

We took the opportunity to take family photos,

Superheroes and all.

And once the falls were discovered,

We decided to make an attempt at our full family photo for the year.

Only after three rounds of setting up my camera on a rock, yelling for people to hurry up and get in the frame and for kids to look at the camera did we realize that our family completely eclipsed the background of the falls.

Thankfully, a not-making-out couple wandered our way and offered to attempt the shot for us.

…at least the women look happy to be there…we’re the only ones who care what we look like, anyway.

Well, most of us do.

These are memories we’ll all treasure forever, especially the lessons learned from older cousins.

So, in conclusion, WHAT IS IT??

A woodsy road? An out-of-the-way luge?? A lumpy stream?? A pebbly path??

4-27-2011.

April 27, 2012November 12, 2013 Rachel Callahan I Love Birmingham, On a more serious note. . ., Tornadoes

One year ago today changed my life forever.

But yet, the damage to me personally was so miniscule compared to thousands of other people in my state, some living only twenty minutes away.

Like bear claws ripping through flesh, 62 tornadoes tormented Alabama, forever altering the course of 691 miles of our beautiful state.

Photo from NOAA National Weather Service Birmingham Office.

Almost 2,000 people were injured. 140 people lost their lives. And ALL of us suffered from post traumatic stress syndrome from what was the most ominously horrifying day of our lives.

The massive paths of these tornadoes are still visible from the air – our state had hundreds of miles of what looks like power line trails cut through our city centers, our neighborhoods, our forests, and our farmland.

And from the ground, they are exquisitely painful to see.

But there’s hope, too. And shocking amounts of love.

So many of you poured out your kindnesses into our state to help the hurting babies – you sent thousands of dollars worth of baby supplies to Alabama, and your prayers and well wishes meant the world to all of us.

And then there are other stories. Stories of amazing people coming from amazing distances to do amazing things. Thanks to one of my South Carolina readers, Lindsay (that I got the opportunity to meet yesterday – hi Lindsay!), I was able to interview one of these people a couple of months ago. I wrote her story on Alabama Bloggers in February, but I decided to share it here, today – as a reminder. A reminder that although the destruction was great, the love that has come out of it has been greater.

Shortly after the April 27th tornadoes, I visited Pleasant Grove.

Although I went to half a dozen destroyed towns, Pleasant Grove was one of the most painful. I knew what it was supposed to look like, as I had spent many days of my childhood visiting friends who lived there.

And also, there was this house.

I broke down when I found it.

I had barely removed the blue bow from my own mailbox when the tornadoes hit. Had the storm moved a little more in another direction, this house could have just as easily been mine.

I never found out if that baby was okay, but I think about him often, as I thank God for the opportunity to look into my own baby boy’s blue eyes.

For the first time since that original visit, I returned to Pleasant Grove this past Friday. As I entered the city, the determination to rebuild their community was immediately evident. Both in tornado damaged and non-damaged areas, construction was everywhere. New neighborhoods, new houses, new everything.

Their commitment to stay in their community was so admirable, despite the wide open spaces all around them.

Brand new houses would be alone on a block, with cleared fields on one side and house ruins on the other.

With most of the ruins cleared, it wasn’t nearly as evident as to what had happened to this community.

In some areas, the new construction was so widespread that if it weren’t for the telltale eerie trees, one who didn’t know might just think it was a brand new development.

My visit to Pleasant Grove was for the opportunity to meet Sara Newton and Jim Mosley.

Sara and Jim almost certainly would have never crossed paths if it weren’t for the April 27 tornadoes. Sara is an architect who lives in Clemson, South Carolina, and Jim is a retired steel mill worker in Pleasant Grove, Alabama.

After the tornadoes hit, Sara and her father, Steve Sanders, wanted to find someone that their church service group, the Clemson Pres Doers, could bless.

And when I say “bless”, I mean “build a new house”.

Yeah – wow.

Their motto, Go Big With God, is certainly fitting.

They did some research and found a list of people who needed houses. Jim was on the top of the list.

So they met with him, committed to the project, raised all of their own funds, and built Jim a house.

Isn’t it beautiful?

Jim’s original house was next to where the new one is, but very little was left. He was at home during the storm, and managed to secure himself in the doorframe. He later had to be dug out of the rubble.

Jim told me that when he was going through a stack of papers that hadn’t been blown away, he found a house plan that his mother had saved – it had been her dream home. He gave the plan to Sara, they tweaked it slightly for Jim’s needs, and he now has his mother’s dream home.

Jim got his certificate of occupancy on Friday, and plans to move in later this week.

For this building project, the Clemson Pres Doers raised over $90,000, and only lack $4,000 to finish paying for all of their expenses. They have also brought groups of volunteers from South Carolina throughout the whole process, giving their church members had the option of serving or giving (or both) to complete Jim’s house.

I was astonished at their generosity, commitment, and desire to love their fellow man in such a practical way.

Not all of Jim’s neighbors have been so blessed, yet. As you look out of Jim’s window, there is still much to be done.

I asked Jim what made him stay in Pleasant Grove.

“It never was an option for me to leave. My family has been in Pleasant Grove for over 100 years – it’s home, that’s it.”

Jim has been living with his Aunt and Uncle a couple of miles away during this construction process, and is thrilled to be moving into his beautiful new home.

When I asked him if I could get his and Sara’s picture, Jim beamed. Then he said “Wait!!”, and pulled off his jacket.

“I never thought this Bama Boy would wear a Clemson shirt, but I sure will now!!”

After all, being willing to wear another team’s colors is the highest form of gratitude around here.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to everyone, everywhere, who has loved on our state in the past year. We have felt it, and we have been able to continue on because of it.

The Art of Discernment.

April 26, 2012April 25, 2012 Rachel Callahan Actually Possibly Informational, Blogging: the therapy., I'm a Blog Geek, Weird Strange and True

My Dearest Blog Readers,

I just wanted to let you know that I am looking out for you.

It’s not in my nature to hound you with advertisements, beat you over the head with product placement, or barrage you overly-unrequested opinions. And even when I do come across products and companies that I do find life-altering, such as Vault Denim and Flexi the Space Toaster, I am constantly and quite consciously aware of not being that annoying person that never shuts up about their “thing”.

Because I am naturally the super-paranoid type, I always strive to only bring things of value to the table.

(You know, like meat flowers and toenail art, pro-placenta-eating graphics and a helpful recipe for making breastmilk cheese.)

With that in mind, when I actually choose to do a product giveaway pitched to me by someone else, you can be assured that it was one of the few that made it through my grievous process of paranoid over-analyzation.

But oh, the opportunities I get.

For instance, sharing the details of how a contraceptive product works for me! And how fabulously it would work for you, too!!

Um, no thanks. I don’t want to be blamed when surprise child #4 rolls into your life based on my recommendation.

Oh, but wouldn’t you like to talk about these Outdoor Trash Bags on your blog, Rachel?

Yes, but can I talk about how well they hold up when one is stuffing the bodies of annoying PR people into them?

But my favorite opportunity as of late has to do with toilet paper.

Because really, who doesn’t want to read a whole blog post about toilet paper?

But it was even better than that – it wasn’t about the toilet paper itself – it was about the toilet paper roll covers.

Special, fancy toilet paper roll covers that are a part of a huge media blitz right now – Chris even was barraged with them by his grocery buggy last week.

I’m not saying that some people don’t find this product useful and necessary. I mean, if I walked by a display of pretty patterned toilet paper roll covers, I might consider it for a moment – until I remembered that they would just add to Ali’s stash of containers to hold her vast collections of tiny, useless items.

But the kicker was that they didn’t just want me to review it – they wanted me to have an…

(wait for it…)

in-home party.

A Toilet Paper Roll Cover In-Home Party.

Because I know you’d all be thrilled to drive to my house for a night of hors d’oeuvres and the opportunity to discuss your immediate need to cover your extra rolls.

“Watch now, as I put the roll in… and take the roll out.”

“Ooooooh….”

“Doesn’t it slide smoothly out of it’s home?”

“Aaaaaah….”

“No one will ever guess that these designer boxes sitting on the back of your commode are actually concealing toilet paper!!”

“I must have them!!”

But really, I think they should expand their focus. What if this toilet paper roll cover company decided to branch out and also offer their adult wet wipes at these fabulous in-home parties?

The hostess could serve Orange Metamucil and Prunes! And everyone could sit around and talk about the satisfaction of a job well cleaned!

(This type of party would most likely work best at homes with multiple bathrooms.)

Or perhaps we should have in-home parties for roach baits?

Because really, who wouldn’t jump at the opportunity to come over to sip on coffee, eat petit fors, and talk about home infestations?

“Make sure that you clearly indicate on the invitation your assurances that there will be plenty of the large, flying cockroaches available to show off the amazing attract-and-kill power of the magic baits!”

In summary, I’m looking out for you. And I just wanted you to know.

…at least until I get offered a small fortune to promo The EZ-Curd© Cheese Maker: Mommy’s Milk Edition.

Zulily: The Burning Questions.

April 24, 2012August 27, 2012 Rachel Callahan "Deep" Thoughts by Rachel, Do You Know? Because I Don't., Don't Listen to my Fashion Advice, Photographical Oddities, Shopping: A Girl's Best Friend, Weird Strange and True, Zulily

I do love me some Zulily.

Half of Ali’s summer wardrobe, including her Easter dress, arrived via Zulily.

Every morning, I fit it into my routine to peek around at the day’s sales before my miniature tenants wake up. Besides the benefit of getting to shop the best deals for both me and the kids, I also get the privilege and joy of checking out the…other stuff.

And, being the introspective, overly curious person that I am, these other things always lead to many, MANY unanswered questions.

So. I thought that perhaps, just maybe, if I post them here, someone, somewhere can help me answer one or two.

After all, last time I came to you with my Zulily Questions, you actually solved one of them. So it seems completely worth it to try again.

So. Let’s begin.

1. Where are the Afghan Blanket and Great-Grandmother-curtains that got together and had this baby?

2. Why didn’t anyone tell me that Blossom was back and designing children’s clothes?

3. Where is the parent that said, “Yeah, I’m totally okay with my little girl having pulled-back curtains down the middle of her skirt.”??

(Many of my questions are followed by a long and uncomfortable shudder.)

4. I know I’m more of a prude than most when it comes to my daughter’s wardrobe, but really, people? Butterflies??

5. Who stole Dolly’s outfit from Best Little Whorehouse in Texas and reproduced it in child’s sizes?

6. Why haven’t I gotten on the bandwagon of having carousel horses on my thigh?

6b. And Fantasy Islands on my kneecaps???

7. Who stole this from my Mother?? Because I distinctly remember last wearing this in the spring of 1984.

8. Are there four words in the English Language that should go together LESS than “Leopard”, “Bikini”, “Toddler”, and “Girls”?

8b. Oh wait. Perhaps “Cheetah”, “Girls”, “Spandex” and “Booty Shorts” could compete.

9. When did it become necessary for toddler girls to go into Full Mourning, Downton Abbey Style?

10. How did the 1986 El Dorado Kansas Wal-Mart Clearance Rack make it onto Zulily?

11. Wasn’t there a Star Trek Episode about this swimsuit?

12. What exactly makes this worthy of originally costing $1,200? 12b. And did anyone pay it? Because I would like to meet them. Now.

13. Who was the marketing genius that came up with the byline “Ready to Boogie”? Because I want to meet them. Now.

14. Does she have her office door closed? 14b. And does she have to look over the top of her glasses quite so sultrily? 14c. And why isn’t anything written on her notepad? 14d. And don’t those red polka dots show through her white shirt when buttoned up? 14e. And why oh why didn’t I patent this when I invented my own five years ago with an old tank top and scissors???

15. How exactly does smock hold up under water? It seems as if it would perhaps weight a child down past the point of flotation…

16. Why aren’t more kid’s clothes screen-printed with belly dancers??

Just in case you wanted to see her closer…

17. How cool would Ali think I was if I looked like Jasmine on the beach?

18. And speaking of the beach, who needs help looking wrinkled, drooping, and flabby? Because I’ve found the suit for you!!

19. How can I make sure that Chris NEVER sees this and forces me to buy a matching set for my children?

20. Isn’t this what was left of Cinderella’s dress after the Stepsisters ripped it up?

21. Where were Tube Socks for Babies when my Babies were Babies?!?!?! Because who wouldn’t want to pay $62 to make their baby’s head be mistaken for a soccer player’s calf??

Please. Feel free to answer below.

Ford Flex, the Mommybloggermobile.

April 23, 2012April 22, 2012 Rachel Callahan Actually Possibly Informational, Anal Retentivity to a Fault, I'm a Blog Geek, I'm a Glutton for Adventure, Stuff I like

It took Obsession. Overanalysis. Focus. Dedication. And…

– 635 days from the time I first blogged about it.

– 50 days from the time we decided to buy to actually find one that met all of our criteria and price point.

– 177 miles driven to purchase it.

But I finally have one of my very own. The most disliked car in all the universe, The Ford Flex.

(I mean, Ford doesn’t even promote this car. Even they hate it!! Lucky for them, there’s a me in the world.)

But. Without further ado, I am so pleased to introduce you all to Flexi,

The Space Toaster.

“Why??”, the people ask. “WHY would you buy such an ugly, unpopular vehicle?? You could stick wood trim on the side of it and it’d be a 1978 Brady Bunch Station Wagon!!”

Because I understand that no one can appreciate her beauty but me. And I’m okay with that.

Because I don’t mind being way off the trend curve, and Flexi is A Geek’s Paradise.

Because I’ve only begun to scratch the surface of her abilities (I can’t wait until I have the opportunity to read her many manuals!! And make an excel spreadsheet of all of the things I need to try!! And then check them off the list with glee!!), and she completes me, in a way that only an Artificial-Intelligence-Automobile could do.

She knows things.

She knows when we cross time zones and automatically adjusts her clocks so that I don’t get confused.

She knows if it’s dark outside, and she automatically darkens her rearview mirror so that your bright headlights don’t damage my sensitive eyes.

She knows when my phone is in the car and automatically plays music from it via Bluetooth.

She knows when my phone rings, so she mutes the radio and displays the caller’s name on her screen.

She knows that I have an intense fear of locking my keys and my children in the car, so she has a keypad on the driver’s door that I can use in just that sort of situation.

She listens to me.

She listens when I tell her to call Gramamma. She asks me whether she’d like me to dial Gramamma’s cell or home number, and then she calls her. And my kids can talk to Gramamma. And hear Gramamma. Through her speakers.

She listens when I tell her to turn up the air. Or down the radio. Or to play a certain song off of my phone.

She opens and closes her own trunk with the click of a button, saving me from the pain and agony of trying to close a trunk one-handed while holding a squirming 22 pound baby.

She talks to me.

She tells me how to get to where I’m going.

She tells me if she isn’t feeling well.

She shows me how I’m doing while backing up, and strongly urges me not to hit things in my path.

She saves things.

She records my CDs and keeps them on her hard drive so that when I’m all alone in the car, I never have to remember to pop out VeggieTales to make room for Leona Lewis.

She keeps up with my cell phone’s call history and phonebook, you know – because she’s nosy like that.

She makes the children happy.

They have more than enough personal space, but can still reach each other to share slobbered-on snacks.

They have a cheery amount of light, thanks to three rows of sunroofs.

And again, they can talk to their favorite people through the speakers. Who would need anything else?

She tells me about her last owner.

Chris and I drove to Atlanta late Friday night, got very little sleep, then bought Flexi and drove her back home Saturday. Somewhere around the state line, we popped in Ali’s “King George and the Ducky” to record it onto the car’s hard drive.

(You see, Ali had a Moment of Great Panic and told my Mom that she didn’t want us to get a new car after all because then she couldn’t listen to her favorite Veggie Tales CD!! And this COULD NOT be happening to her!!)

So we thought we’d really impress her and put it on the new car permanently – as the first album.

But as we were listening to “My affection for these duckies isn’t getting any stronger!!” and trying to figure out how to record it, we popped over to the “Jukebox”, and discovered that Flexi’s former owner hadn’t deleted her music collection.

189 songs.

And, based on the 189 songs left on the car’s hard drive, Chris used his Sherlockian powers of stereotype and nicknamed Flexi’s former owner The Urban Lady.

It was all R&B. Old R&B. New R&B. Greatest Hits R&B. Live R&B. Let’s Get It On R&B. Girl Power R&B.

No rock. No rap. No country. No variation. No statistical outliers to throw him off the trail, like Wham! or David Hasselhoff Live in Branson.

And, all of a sudden, Flexi watched as it’s two new suburban homeschool owners went from VeggieTales to an hour of passionate yet awkwardly white car-dancing to Ne-Yo, Whitney, Mary J. Blige, and Jennifer Hudson, and then contracting romantic feelings while listening to Brian McKnight, Luther Vandross, and Lionel.

And we now have Date Night music for the next five years.

God Bless You, Urban Lady.

Back to Flexi…

She’s Polite Like That.

She knows that when you use windshield fluid, it always drips back down onto the windshield post-wiping, so she performs a … “Courtesy Wipe” two seconds later, thereby saving my vision from unsightly skid marks.

…Perhaps she can even teach my kids a thing or two.

Giveaway, $360 Value: Atlanta Food & Wine Festival!

April 20, 2012April 19, 2012 Rachel Callahan Giveaways and Contests

Oftentimes, the South gets a bad rap from other parts of the nation. And, although we do like getting the respect that we deserve, sometimes we don’t mind living in a well-kept secret of beautiful forests, striking mountains (Yes! We have mountains!), the best beaches in the world, and the most friendly, welcoming people you’ll ever encounter.

However, one secret that we haven’t kept so well is our food. Because something that amazing just can’t be hidden.

Barbeque, grits, southern seafood, fried okra, chicken and dumplings, cobbler, banana pudding… the list is endless, and should be making you hungry about now. Southern food is comforting, friendly, and absolutely deserving to be celebrated.

And in less than a month, celebrations will occur!

The second annual Atlanta Food & Wine Festival will be a four-day extravaganza of southern food immersion.

Although “Atlanta” is in the name, it’s only the location: the founders, Elizabeth Feichter and Dominique Love, are committed to ensuring that every part of the south is equally represented and celebrated. They have an all-star Advisory Council of 70 highly celebrated chefs (all of which have been recognized with major national culinary honors) that hail from fifteen states.

The Advisory Council is deeply involved in every aspect of planning the event, so they have combined their expertise with everything they learned at last year’s event to create an even more unforgettable southern culinary experience.

The three focus areas of the festival will be Old Traditions (soul food, barbecue, Cajun and Creole, etc.), New Traditions (the fusing of Southern food with Asian, Greek, French, Latin, etc.), and Imports and Inspirations (“Other Southern” – food from other southern regions around the world, including Southern Europe, South Africa, South America, etc.).

The event has many different aspects for all levels of foodies and enthusiasts, including:

Tasting Tents – There will be fifteen different food trails, which highlight all of the different flavors of a particular food. Some of these trails include fried chicken, barbeque, seafood, southern snacks, and southern sweets.

Seminars, Demonstrations, and Panel Discussions – During each time slot, they have many different options for the foodie who wants to learn. Some of these sessions include Cast Iron Cooking, Techniques for Biscuits, Grits, and Cornbread, Southern Cakes and Pies, World Class Coffee at Home, and Southern Chemistry.

Dinners – During the evening hours, local chefs will host out-of-town chefs for a series of special dinners, parties and southern-style soirees. One such event will be a “Pig-Out, Southern-Style”, where the 70 chefs of the Advisory Council will be hosting and not cooking, which means that they will be interacting with the guests and helping to create the epitome of a foodie atmosphere. There are dozens of these amazing dinners that can be bought in a weekend package or à la carte.

They have a wide range of participation options, including day passes, three-day passes, tasting tent passes, dinners and events, and the ultimate VIP Connoisseur experience.

And if you would like to experience this for yourself, I have a pair of Day Passes for Sunday, May 13 to give away to a lucky winner!

This prize is a $360 value!!

If you would love to attend Atlanta Food & Wine Festival, simply comment on this post and tell me your favorite southern delicacy.

You can earn up to three additional entries by:

Following Atlanta Food & Wine Festival on Twitter or Facebook.
Tweeting, blogging, or Facebooking about this giveaway.
Following me on Twitter or Facebook.

(be sure to leave separate comments for your extra entries.)

This giveaway is only open until Midnight, Monday, April 23. The winner will be randomly selected and notified by email and posted on my giveaway winners page on Tuesday, April 24.

Best of luck, and I hope to see you there!!

Disclosure: I was not compensated in any way to write this post. My opinions are always my own.

Aflac, For Mommies.

April 19, 2012April 22, 2012 Rachel Callahan "Deep" Thoughts by Rachel, Rachel's "Brilliant" Marketing Ideas

Dear Aflac,

Hi! Let me introduce myself. I am an accountant with a specialty in Human Resources. Over the past decade, other than being a stay-at-home Mom, I have managed employee benefits for small companies, including supplemental insurance policies such as those you offer.

Although I appreciate your catchy duck-based marketing strategies, I’ve personally never been a fan of supplemental policies. After all, if one would just save the money instead of paying the premiums, one could pay oneself the $500 in the event of a hospitalization.

However.

If you were to branch out into the world of Mommy Benefits, I would be your biggest supporter.

For instance, I propose you add the following options to your portfolio:

Mommy Sickness Benefits.

This policy will pay you, the Mommy, the funds required to procure an all-day babysitter in the event of a Mommy Illness.

If the illness is of the puking variety, it will also provide the funds to have your house completely sterilized by a certified HAZMAT team to prevent the you wanting to go die in a hole because your child came down with The Spews.

If the illness is of the flu variety, this benefit will provide an in-home delivery of Homemade Chicken Soup and Chocolate Cake. Because we all know that is the only cure for The Flu, and if Mommy can’t make it, then who can?

Daddy’s Going to Be Late Benefits

In the event that the resident Father cannot make it home by his appointed time, Aflac will provide dinner delivery, an as-yet unwatched Disney or Veggie Tales movie to occupy the children, and again, CHOCOLATE – for everyone in the household.

Blowout in the Car Coverage

If you are unfortunate enough to experience an inhuman level of baby poo explode during transit, you will be entitled to the following:

a) an immediate, on-location car detailing,
b) a brand new car seat,
c) a new outfit for you and baby (and for any other children hit by shrapnel), and
d) one day of paid vacation leave to recover mentally, physically, and spiritually from the cataclysmic devastation.

The Terrible Twos Rider

Not all children go through a true Terrible Twos phase. But if your child is a qualifying* Terrible Two, your policy will pay you a Weekly Shopping Therapy Benefit, a monthly floral delivery accompanied by a thoughtful card reminding you that everything is a phase, and a quarterly two-day visit by a professional as-seen-on-TV nanny while you and your husband are given a vacation allowance to pay for a quaint, quiet cabin deep in the woods with no cell phone coverage.

* To be a qualified Terrible Two, your child must habitually evoke emotions of intense anger, be prone to fits of rage and contrariness, have a penchant for destruction of household order and cleanliness, and regularly make you question your choice of the occupation of parenthood.

Picky Eater Policy

If you have a child that regularly and quite suddenly refuses to eat certain foods, this policy is for you. It will reimburse you a prorated amount for the quantity of the food item left over when the refusal occurs. So if you just bought a bulk-sized box of Mandarin Oranges and then find out that your child is violently opposed to even seeing them, let alone eating them, then Aflac will reimburse you for the aforementioned box of fruit, minus any eaten before the change of taste.

So, Aflac, I beg of you: Please offer these choices.

Because I WILL BUY ALL OF THEM.

Sincerely,

A Mommy Willing to Call Aflac.

The Artistic Train Wreck.

April 17, 2012April 21, 2012 Rachel Callahan I embarrass myself just for your amusement., I'm a Glutton for Adventure, Just My Luck

My Dad is an artist.

Well, he’s kinda everything. He’s an artist, writer, antique car restorer, race car builder, car mechanic, race-around-the-world navigator, ex-cop, chicken coop designer, beekeeper, home builder, Le Mans Series Race Tech Inspector, woodworker, ADA Surveyor Consultant, and inventor.

(What he is not, for the record, is an Excel Pro. At least I have something to offer him.)

(“Just hit Delete, Dad! DELETE!!”)

(“By right clicking. Then choose the “delete” option.”)

And although he didn’t attempt to teach me all of his talents (I’m so not fond of chickens while they’re still alive and pecking), he did make some valiant efforts to teach me how to draw.

“You have to look at the world with different eyes – you have to see the lines and shapes with which things are comprised, and then draw those.”

I squinted as if I were looking at a Magic Eye poster.

I turned my head upside down to see if that helped.

But alas – I did not inherit his second set of eyes.

Yet, despite my complete artistic blindness, I have allowed myself to get sucked into the iPhone sensation, Draw Something.

Enter an avalanche of shame and embarrassment into my life.

And, since my heinous crimes against art have been laid bare for all to see on other blogs, I suppose I might as well own my shame here, as well.

If my Dad played Draw Something, even his most simple doodle would have merit enough to be placed in the Art of Draw Something Masterpiece Collection.

Mine, however, deserve an entirely different type of internet fascination.

For instance. I learned from other Draw Somethingers that when you need to draw something white, it’s good to use a different colored background.

However, a red background might not quite catch the aura of joy that goes with a wedding celebration.

Especially when you leave the bride’s face all bloody.

Speaking of red, when drawing the world’s most tragic sinking, perhaps you shouldn’t draw the characters in that color?

Fortunately, every now and then I get assigned a word that’s not too difficult for me to translate into art, despite my Paleolithic abilities.

Then again, my opponents may not appreciate the unannounced queasy effect that my drawings can have on them.

I’ve also found that Spinach is extraordinarily hard to draw. And when you try to draw a cartoon character to explain your drawing of said vegetable, it only gets worse.

And that’s the thing with Draw Something – once you’ve started a nightmarishly awful drawing, you might as well commit to it.

For instance, when I tried to draw Heidi Klum. And her ex-husband, Seal.

I was nearly crying with shame, on so many levels, by the time I finished it.

The more I drew, the more I fought the urge to gouge my own eyes out with my drawing finger.

Humiliating.

Horrific.

Deserving of punishment.

Right before I forced myself to give up due to my crimes against drawmanity, I realized that using Ali’s iPad was a much easier way to play, and I began to show slight improvements. For instance, this homage to C.S. Lewis:

Okay, “slight” was the key word there.

But I did learn some tricks.

I learned how to draw compound words,

meat in tube form shoved on a stick,

obsolete video games,

and I discovered that my true forte – where I could really shine – was the violent and morbid.

So now that you’ve adjusted your expectations to my skill level, I feel that it is only fair to show you how normal people play this game.

My friend Cara, for instance. She could have just drawn a stick figure with a dress on, but NO. She drew this.

Her sole purpose, most likely, was to open my eyes to my own unworthiness to play with her.

Lianne did a convincing portrait of Trump, mastering his hair in a very special way,

and then there’s Jamie. Even though she ridiculed me (albeit an honestly earned shaming), I will be the bigger person and share some of the masterpieces that she so graciously bestowed upon me.

All of those drawings occurred before she fully realized how shockingly horrible I was, at which time she deemed me only worthy of stick figures thereafter.

But it’s okay, because I acknowledge my deserving of such treatment.

Just call me the Oozing Scabies of The Art World.