The Zulily Digest.

STOP READING THIS POST.

As much as I adore you all ingesting what I have to say, I cannot with good conscience allow you to read any further before you log onto Zulily and buy something specific. RIGHT NOW.

Because almost every day I get an email from a reader.

“Pardon me, Rachel, but do you have any idea where I can buy an inflatable Alpaca?”

And almost every day I have to answer,

“Why no – I’ve scoured the internet myself and they’re just not out there! I have no idea why.”

BUT NO LONGER DOES THIS GREAT INJUSTICE OF HUMANITY PERSIST.

Inflatable Alpaca Zulily

So make haste – go claim one of those precious jewels that is just waiting to be an Alpaca-shaped container for your hot breath.

 

 

 

 

Okay – if you’ve secured your shipment, we can continue.

Nothing looks more classy while escorting your inflatable Alpaca than off-the-shoulder plaid.

IMG_0086

And if you feel like your tank tops aren’t working hard enough to merit their spot in your wardrobe, then I have found the tank for you.

IMG_0088
Thanksgiving wear is also a big deal on Zulily, which is great since I don’t have a single “Thanksgiving Outfitters” store in my city. And if you didn’t have anything to be thankful for already, there is a high supply of Thanksgiving Maternity Wear this year. Because there’s a shortage of punny conversation starters to use with pregnant women around the holidays.

IMG_0891

IMG_0892

IMG_0893

IMG_0895

There are so many choices that 2013 pregnant woman will probably feel the need to celebrate both Canadian and American Thanksgiving.

(Don’t tell them they already missed one.)

Also, what pregnant woman doesn’t have a Black Friday Shopping shirt? Because there’s nothing I like better while housing another human beneath my skin than fighting insane hoards of women for cheap DVD players.

IMG_0894

And then there are the children. Every mother has this struggle every year – how should I dress the children for Thanksgiving?

Zulily has got your back. And theirs, too.

IMG_0896
Dress them just like their Father, Zulily says.

IMG_0902
And don’t forget to add that certain spiciness to their hair with The Winner of 2013, Pumpkin.

IMG_0897
And then there’s your creepy Great-Uncle-Twice-Removed – he deserves to be outfitted properly, too!

IMG_0901

“Hey Kids – pull my gobbler.”

And for the runner in your life, Zulily has a special treat.

IMG_0903
It all makes monogrammed pumpkins look so ridiculously ubiquitous in comparison, doesn’t it?

IMG_0898

 

Even combining The Three Most Overhyped Things of our decade – Chevron, Monograms, and Pumpkins – seems like a fantastic idea after Tennishoed-Turkey-Head.

IMG_0899

And that’s how they get you, America.

Don’t fall for their Good Zulily, Bad Zulily tactics.

But do buy your brother’s new baby a pair of red hairy leopard shoes. Because there’s no better way to show her that you’re going to be her BEST Aunt.

IMG_6066
Also, for the toddler that craves that poopy-diaper-lump look all the time, they’ve got Rosette Bloomers.

IMG_6071
But if she wants that lump with REAL style, you must go with this complete outfit, that covers the head and butt, but disturbingly not the rest.

IMG_6968
“Perfect for family trips to Las Vegas!”

But don’t worry! Zulily doesn’t just provide ways for your little girl to grow up way too fast – they’re here for your son, too.

IMG_6865

(Not to say that I wouldn’t totally put one of those on Noah – if only he’d let me.)

Zulily loves enhancing your life. They have many options, including the bubble butt you’ve always wanted available in options “Boob Butt” and “Long Butt”,

IMG_6078
Boobles for up top, and most puzzlingly, hip bubbles.

IMG_6077

Because widening Side-Butt is a major desire for so many of us.
And of course, Zulily is ready with stocking stuffers for your husband.

IMG_6074

IMG_6075

Let’s think this through for a minute.

Zulily does not normally sell men’s items, and so therefore, one can assume that all of the men’s items that are sold on Zulily are bought by women for their man. I may be wrong, and I offer my deepest apologies to the .0001% of Zulily customers that are indeed male. However, if we continue on with my assumption for a minute, then we have to conclude that if any of these were sold, an awkward conversation like this happened at some point,

“Honey, I ordered these for you because I’d really love it if your manhood was more…apparent when we went out to dinner.”

Zulily: Making us all feel violently uncomfortable since 2009.

Speaking of, if you ever wished your eyelashes looked more like cranial piercings, they’ve got that.

IMG_7168
And I would like to point out that this ad is for the WIG.

IMG_7169
And finally, let’s leave it on a smocked note. Because nothing makes a better catcher’s mitt for pureed peas and carrots than a stark white bib – with embroidery and thousands of carefully crafted germ receptacles.

IMG_6961

Thank you, Zulily, for adding more “What the crap?!” to everyone’s holiday season.

Special thanks to Heather and Christen for contributions to this edition of Zulily Finds.

Zulily Lace and a Pretty Face.

Hey – you know what?

It’s almost Christmas.

Or at least according to Zulily.

And you do not want to miss out on your one chance all year long to have “Ho Ho Ho” embroidered on your daughter’s butt.

zulily

Also. I get that Santa is this nebulous somewhere-between-human-and-angelic-hosts kind of guy, but I still don’t want my daughter professing love for him or anyone else on her hind regions.

zulily

And then there’s this piece. There is so much about it that confuses me.

zulily

In case you can’t read that lovely font, it says “Santa’s Lil Diva Loves Couture.”

The only explanation I can come up with is that the back says “But my Mommy will only dress me in this so SEND HELP NOW.”

So I guess I won’t be doing my Christmas shopping at Zulily.

However, this would make an awesome baby shower gift.

zulily

“Perfect to wear in an airport, a carnival, or to Wal-Mart!”

Can you even begin to imagine the flocks of creeptastic strangers that shirt would magnetize?

This one is much more reflective of the expecting mother’s soul.

zulily
Nothing says “We’re your completely normal neighbors” like this lawnsculpting choice:

zulily
Also, little is more comforting than the Travelocity Talking Gnome at the edge of your yard.

zulily

I just hope that he spontaneously starts conversation with passerby.

The Rooster’s severe neck-cramp is the least puzzling thing about this accessory.

zulily
Fanning Roosters aren’t your thing? No worries! There are options!

zulily
When it comes to dinnertime, I never feel hungry unless I can eat off of a shoe.

zulily
…especially if there is proper toe-division – it really gives that authentic toe-jam feel to my guacamole.

zulily
I got a text from my friend Christen one day alerting me to drop my kids right then and hop onto Zulily – she didn’t want me to miss Adult Hooded Footie Pajama Day!

zulily
Because nothing says “My Mom still pours my cereal for me” like a fully-grown man in AHFPs.

zulily
Or “when I signed up to be a male model, this was not what I envisioned.”

zulily

 

In other news, if Honey Boo Boo were to attend Abby Lee Miller’s dance studio, she would most certainly be wearing these shorts.

zulily
And Zulily is doing a fabulous job of recreating the reputation of the whale tail.

zulily
My favorite Zulily find ever, the Crotch-Munching Ladybug, is back and cheekier than ever,

zulily
And she brought a very hungry friend.

zulily

I’m not sure which is worse – those teeth or their insistence of bringing happiness.

The only thing I can assume is that some of these clothes are imported from Venus and they have a very different child-fashion-scene there, where protruding elephant trunks are highly regarded.

zulily

“Helps soften the impact when running into walls!”

And where it’s normal to get your toddler to run on a treadmill, or hop, if they follow the footprints.

zulily

(Which includes a calorie counter. Because all toddlers should be tracking.)

zulily

Recently, we’ve talked about monogramming. Many times, we’ve talked about smock. So it makes sense that Zulily would pick this very week to combine the two in a glorious upheaval of humanity.

I am positive that the panel of smock on this piece was an afterthought to increase the selling value of the item in question.

zulily

But on this one, the smock left no room, so it required a side-monogram. Just in case you forget who that right thigh belongs to.

zulily

If you’re looking to get the least bang for your buck on complete and utter un-resaleability of your kid’s items, then by all means – go with a personalized kitchenette.

zulily

But of course you’ll need one for each individual kid – after all, only one name fits.

zulily

And for the little men monogrammees out there, you’ve always got the option of completely illegible fake ties.

zulily

(For the record, I actually am ordering a monogrammed item this week. This cape with an N will be Noah’s.)

Cape

But in case you prefer lace over smock and monogram, I found you this.

zulily

And this, which includes $43.01 of free lace!

zulily

So go dress those babies. And dress them well.

Rambling Round-Up.

Chris and I were having a discussion the other night. The kind where I thought we should do one thing, and he thought we should do another.

(I take full responsibility for this sort of discussion as I was quite difficult to live with last week, thanks to Pink Eye, a painful reaction to the steroids, multiple mouth ulcers, and general malaise.)

But we weren’t making much progress in our discussion, so Ali ran in, handed Chris a note, then ran out.

Do Wot Mommy Ses

Clearly we need to discuss the hierarchy of authority up in these parts.

I’ve been seeing some fascinating things on Pinterest lately.

Like these rings, for instance.

IMG_0413

Any girl old enough to understand them should be too old to want them, and any girl who’s young enough to want them is also young enough to be Jonathan’s daughter.

(Seriously. I checked – he’s 44.)

(Which means that Adele is young enough to be his daughter.)

(Chew on that for a minute while you twist your rings.)

I’ve also seen some evidence as to why men should not be on Pinterest:

Busts

But then again, I drink Dr Pepper TEN and it’s for men, so who am I to judge.

Also. You might have picked up on the fact that I find back pockets to be very crucial to denim success.

However. If you find your back pockets to not quite be what they should be, this is not the way to fix them.

IMG_0412

 

If you’re getting ready for summer celebrations, Zulily has some fantastic Independence Day looks.

Because you can never go too literal with the Fourth of July.

IMG_9967

But if you’re feeling more morose about freedom, you can always go with this outfit.

IMG_9970

Or if you’d rather just blend into the crowd, then camo is your friend.

IMG_9973

Ali and I borrowed a children’s poetry book from the library.

It was a cheery collection.

IMG_0182

I quite randomly stumbled onto a post on Babble where Ali-as-a-toddler had been named in a list of “25 Adorable Hairstyles for Toddler Girls.” Who knew?

Toddler Hairstyles

I scrolled down, excited to see how everyone fawned over my precious daughter in the comments section…

Hairstyles Comments

Speaking of comments gone wrong, this priceless thread has popped up somewhere deep in the middle of my Inconvenient Gap of Truth post comments. I love that they are all a month apart, from four different women, and they will surely never come back to see the conversation they sparked.

Jeans Gone Wrong

Who knew? Only strippers need good jeans.

And yet, they don’t.

Sometimes I get questionable PR Pitches, especially in the form of Twitter and Facebook Parties.

This one just…doesn’t seem like too jubilant of a party.

Bad Facebook Party copy

And this one could have used a bit more hashtag analysis.

Bad Twitter Party copy

(Note to PR people everywhere: a focus group of over-observant bloggers can go a long way to help prevent embarrassing hashtag oopsies.)

I cannot pass a Tom Thumb gas station without picturing a partially sunburned man in tighty-whities. Can you?

Tom Thumb

And with much thanks to my friend Debbie for this last one, who saw this beautiful sign at the mall and took a picture just for me. And you.

Mother Sign

So there you go. Don’t be afraid of hand-holding during movements, ladies. If it’s important enough for a ceramic placard, it’s important enough for me.