Rachel Callahan

The Slimy Demise of Me.

January 12, 2011September 5, 2012 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, I embarrass myself just for your amusement., It's Tough Being a Girl, Just My Luck, Weird Strange and True

Disclaimer: This post contains medical disgust. For all three of you who like such things, feel free to keep reading. The rest of you: be warned and run far, far away.

Disclaimer 2: There are always a few of you who say you felt guilty laughing at my expense. If I wasn’t okay with you laughing at me, I wouldn’t write it. I hereby excuse you to laugh guilt-free at all of my blogged-misfortunes here forth.

I am living the dream.

Or at least the Junior High Boy’s dream.

In the past three weeks, I have completely grossed out a doctor, a dentist, and countless nurses with my medical conditions.

I mean really, how often is it that you get to hear a doctor say, “Oh, THAT is really gross!” before they have a chance to stop themselves?

It all started three weeks ago, when I was still in the hospital, and began to have complications after Noah’s birth.

(I know – I said I wasn’t going to blog about them, but that’s just because I didn’t want the horrific disgustingness to take away from Noah’s birth story. But you couldn’t expect me to pass up an opportunity to blog about something disgusting all together, could you??)

It was Tuesday afternoon, and Chris had to leave the hospital for a bit, so my lucky friend Amanda (Happy Birthday, by the way!!) was “babysitting” me.

I’d started having horrible abdominal pain earlier that day, but assumed it was related to them CUTTING ME OPEN two days ago, so didn’t think too much about it.

Until I stood up. And all of a sudden, a gushing waterfall of fluids poured out of my incision. And kept pouring. And kept pouring.

I screamed for Amanda to call the nurses.

The pouring continued.

After what felt like long enough for all of my internal fluid to pour out, a nurse came in, and before she looked, said, “It’s normal to have a little bit of leakage from your incision.”

Then she looked…

“OH. That’s really disgusting. I’ll call your doctor.”

More pouring…

A bit later, my doctor comes in, takes a look, wrinkles his nose, and then gets up and starts looking around the room.

“What are you looking for?”

“Gloves!!!”

At this point, I remember apologizing profusely for my absolutely stunning level of grossness.

Turns out, it was a Seroma – a pocket of fluid (or in my case, a water tower of fluid) that can develop behind an incision.

He drained and drained and drained it some more, and then told me that if it didn’t drain out, he’d have to re-open the incision and <shudder> pack it, after which I would have to <gag> re-pack it for several days at home.

Thank goodness it healed. There are few things in life that make me sick, but wound packing is one of them.

So. Three weeks later.

As I mentioned, I’ve had this wonderful tooth fun, which has turned into a party for my whole face. The right half of my face got so swollen that it was actually drooping from the weight, making me look rather like this guy:

And so, after enduring 72 hours of saggy-cheeked-intense-toothache-fun, I finally was able to brave the icy roads (or my chauffer, my Father, was), and get to an Endodontist yesterday.

I sat down in his chair, completely prepared (and actually anticipating) him going drill-crazy in my mouth.

He pulled out his mirror and took a look around.

“OH WOW. It’s REALLY gnarly back in there!!!”

“I know – I haven’t been able to brush my teeth all weekend.”

“No – I mean it’s disgusting!! You have two HUGE pus pockets on your gums, and I can actually SEE the green pus through your SKIN!!”

And then he went on to explain to me that my infection was so intense that there was no way that he could redo my root canal, because the blah-blah-dentist-speak alkaline of the infection would blah-blah interfere with the novocaine…

“So basically it’d hurt like heck?”

“Yes.”

“But I assure you: it already is!!”

“It’d hurt worse. BUT I am going to need to cut open those pus pockets today and drain them.”

Lovely.

“But don’t worry! We’ll pack your mouth with gauze – because green pus doesn’t taste so good.”

Yum.

“And it’s the infection that’s hurting you, so this should alleviate your pain.”

Promise?

“Yes. You’ll just need to keep pushing on your pus pockets all day and changing out your gauze packing every half hour to help all of it to come out.”

Excellent.

“And then in a week, when all of the infection is gone, we’ll redo the root canal.”

Can’t wait!

And so, my day yesterday was filled with green-pus-pushing. Although I still look like half a Basset Hound, I am definitely feeling better….besides the taste of the green pus. He wasn’t lying about that.

Living the dream, alright.

Recipe For the World’s Most Bizarre Weekend.

January 10, 2011January 10, 2011 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, I embarrass myself just for your amusement., I would NEVER take too many pictures. . ., I'm a Glutton for Adventure, It's Tough Being a Girl, Just My Luck, Kids: The Experience., Newbornities, The Blissfulness of Life

Start with a Three Week Old Baby:

Who, despite his preciousness, does not sleep good on Friday night,

therefore also adding in one Very-Sleep-Deprived-Three-Weeks-Post-Partum-Mommy.

On Saturday morning, stir in a Four Year Old’s Birthday, starting and ending with complete sugar overload:

(Sugar Overload shown in recipe provided by Krispy Kreme and my amazingly talented friend April’s fantastic cake baking skills.)

Then add in a Fully-Energetic Gymnastics Birthday party with 14 Kids, from ages 1 to 6:

After Birthday Party ends (including a rather toxic and epically long diaper change by Daddy of aforesaid three-week-old on the kitchen counter, on a paper plate, and running out of wet wipes),

Start adding slowly to the above mixture an extreme toothache for Mommy-With-No-Sleep.

Immediately add Percocet-Left-Over-From-C-Section, bringing back visions of fuzzy rabbits.

Attempt to add a nap for Mommy-With-No-Sleep-And-A-Toothache during Birthday Girl’s Sugar-Coma-Nap, but nap may or may not take, due to toothache and fuzzy rabbits.

That same evening after all naps and attempted naps are over, Add in a Family Christmas Gathering at Mommy-With-No-Sleep-And-Terrible-Toothache’s house.

DO NOT TRY TO EAT THE CHRISTMAS PIZZA WITH TOOTHACHE.

Allow Newly-Turned-Four-Year-Old to run the show in the absence of Sound Mind within Mommy-With-No-Sleep-And-A-Terrible-Toothache-Especially-Now-From-Trying-To-Eat-The-Christmas-Pizza.

Allow recipe to set overnight. During the night, you will discover that the toothache pain is so constant and intense (and not always helped by C-Section Percocet) that it absolutely MUST be an abscessed tooth. Pain MAY keep you up during the hours that Three-Week-Old doesn’t.

Take note that a Great Snow Storm is predicted the next day, so if you want to get said abscess treated before the world shuts down (because that’s what happens in Alabama when the white stuff falls), then you better hurry and figure out where you can go to the Dentist on a Sunday.

After setting all night, drag entire family out Sunday morning in the attempt to go to the Emergency Dental Clinic before the snow arrives. Allow family to go to the mall while you wait for your most-anticipated-dental-work-ever – drill pain is MUCH preferred.

(Keep in mind that Emergency Dental Clinics can attract a rather…interesting crowd. Do not be alarmed if a sleazeball weirdo stares at you the whole time, despite your rapidly swelling face.)

(Or maybe BECAUSE of your rapidly swelling face.)

After waiting endlessly at Dental office, the recipe will take a turn for the worst: they will tell you that you actually have a failing root canal, and need to be referred to an Endodontist.

Of course, there are no Endodontists that work on Sundays. Or in Snowstorms. So add in antibiotics and more pain medicine, and prepare for a Winter Storm of Continuing and Constant Pain.

Within 36 hours, your face will swell from this:

To this horrific sight:

AND it may continue to swell at such a rapid pace that you begin to get concerned with adding facial stretch marks to your already impressive stretch-mark-collection.

After a few tears of disappointment at the lack of drillage happening in your mouth, return home and try to have a wonderful family moment of finally giving the Birthday Girl her present from Mommy and Daddy.

Which, in keeping with tradition, she will be totally underwhelmed with.

But, after an hour or so of pondering it, will finally, but very trepidatiously, at least sit upon said present:

Then, add the beginnings of the much hyped Epic Snowstorm:

Allow to set overnight.

On Monday Morning, check the process of Epic Snowstorm to find out that, although it looks like snow, it is really ice.

Meaning, of course, that the world will MOST CERTAINLY be completely shut down, allowing your face to swell past it’s natural limits and making you look like you should be on one of TLC’s freak shows.

Lay on the couch all day in a daze of Percocet, allowing Not-Able-To-Go-To-Work Daddy to take Newly-Four-Year-Old out to play in the ice:

And, although it’s nearly impossible to make a snow ice angel, she will at least be able to try out her new camera (for her future blog),

Make “Frosty the Ice Woman”,

And eat disgustingly dirty icicles off of her extraordinarily dirty trampoline, which will thrill her soul so much that it will make the possible risk of contamination completely worth it.

After all ingredients are mixed in, sit back and revel in the wonderful parts of the weekend (birthdays, Christmas, and snow ice), watch the National Championship Football Game, and pray that the roads will be clear by mornin and that all of the Endodontists in town won’t be so behind from Ice Storm Make-Up appointments that SOMEONE will be able to drill into your head before your face completely explodes from the pressure.

…and hope for an as-boring-as-Cream-Of-Wheat-with-no-butter-or-salt kind of week.

Four.

January 7, 2011January 6, 2011 Rachel Callahan Every Now and Then I Can Be Sappy Too., I would NEVER take too many pictures. . ., Kids: The Experience., The Blissfulness of Life

Today is your last day of being three, something you’ve been counting down to for weeks, if not the entire year!

You learned and grew a lot this year, including working on your sporting abilities,

…but really realizing that it was much more fun to just sit and have girl time.

Your need-for-organization-and-categorization (which you came by quite naturally) developed even more intensely..

…along with your technology skills. I’m sure you won’t need me to blog for you for too many more birthdays..

And although I’m pretty sure you only bled once this entire year,

You did manage to get yourself into a few more binds than usual.

Your unrealistic expectations of snow being a regular treat weren’t helped by snow at the beginning,

AND at the end of the year.

You worked on your imagination,

Enjoyed getting to play an Angel TWICE,

But, of course, dreamed of becoming a Tinker Fairy above all other roles.

You learned to wink,

about the joys of being pampered at the salon,

to love heights like your Mommy,

how to dye Easter Eggs (and get less messy than your Mommy),

and developed an intense passion for frozen yogurt,

all while also intensifying your extreme DISLIKE for all things Bubblegum.

You continued your love for the beach,

For your friend AJ,

And for football with Daddy.

And, of course, you found out you were no longer going to be an only child – an announcement that made you a bit queasy.

But luckily, you recovered, and were thrilled to announce to the world that you were getting a little brother.

…And had even more fun painting,

and decorating his room.

By the time Noah arrived, you couldn’t wait to try out your big sister role!

…except for the holding him part. You would have much rather skipped that.

You worked on your aloof-modeling expressions,

And were definitely willing to make a fashion statement, even if that statement was a bit… panties-on-the-head-Lady-Gaga-like.

It’s been an absolutely amazing year, and I have loved watching you grow and mature:

January

February

March

April

May

June

July

August

September

October

November

December

Happy Birthday, Ali !!!

The Categories of Scream.

January 5, 2011January 5, 2011 Rachel Callahan "Deep" Thoughts by Rachel, Newbornities

It’s one of the things that comes with parenthood…there’s just no avoiding it. If you’re lucky, you get a few years off in between the Screaming of babyhood and the Screaming of teenagehood, but rest assured, you will endure many moments of Offspring Screaming.

But luckily, Newborn Screaming is like pain: you can remember that it was bad, but you can’t remember the actual FEELING of it. I certainly remember that Ali was a Grade A Newborn Screamer, but I can NOT, thank goodness, remember the pitch, ferocity, and complete terror of the actual sound of her scream.

And, speaking of Scream Grades, there are definitely differing levels of luck when it comes to the Screambility with which your newborn is gifted …

The Categories of Scream: Newborn Stage

Grade A Screamers:

The Pained Animal Screamers – These newborns have an uncanny ability of sounding rather unnaturally like they just stepped out of a horror movie. Their cries-that-don’t-sound-like-cries can send shivers up your spine within half a second of onset. Even your pets – cats, dogs, and goldfish alike – will howl in protest. All that you can do is hope that they grow out of their unfortunate talents AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

The Shriekers – These newborns have the ability to make every whimper sound like they are in excruciating pain. There are no levels and no volume differentials on these kids – every cry feels like a bone-jarring personal reminder at how extraordinarily unhappy they are with you. I’m pretty sure, from the best of my thankfully-faded memory, that Ali fell into this category.

The Future Opera Singers – These newborns have one thing in spades: VOLUME. They can blow the windows out with the extreme decibels coming from their tiny bodies. Your neighbors five doors down will know it if you have one of these. The baby across the hall from us at the hospital was one of these, and his screams were so impressively powerful that he drowned Noah’s screams right out of our room.

Grade B Screamers:

The Forever Hoarse – If you have one of these babies, you really need to get down on your knees and thank God right now. Noah is one of these, and I couldn’t be more thrilled. His screams are persistent and demanding, but it’s as if he stayed up way too late the night before screaming in the stadium with 100,000 other people at an Alabama game (like his Daddy does), and just doesn’t have the vocal capacities left to REALLY let you have it like you deserve. His screams are actually quiet enough that Ali can’t hear them AT ALL from her room across the hall when her noisemaker is on. This, dear readers, is bliss.

The Uncommitted – These babies are surely going to grow up and be the Phlegmatics of the world – they just don’t put a lot of effort into their protests. They WANT to care, they WANT to express their opinion, but they’re really just too laid back to put it all on the line. Their cries consist of periodic and unconvincing “Wah………….Wah’s”.

The Happy – These newborns are possibly little more than a legend. I’ve heard that they exist, but I have yet to inspect a specimen of this variety with my own eyes. They are… quite simply… and blissfully… always happy. They may cry every now and then, but generally, they just live and let live. Again, the reality of existence of these babies is quite questionable, and if they do exist, I might or might not seriously resent their ridiculously lucky parents.

I hope that all of you are blessed with Grade B Screamers only. And I also hope that I’ll never be able to write the sequel to this post – “The Categories of Scream: Teenage Stage.”

The Difference Between Boys and Girls.

January 4, 2011January 4, 2011 Rachel Callahan Boy Child = Bizarre., Newbornities, Parent of the Year, This is TONGUE IN CHEEK People - Don't take me Seriously.

Really, it should have a slogan.

“Circumcision: Making newborn boys hate diaper changes since Genesis 17.”

It was the part of having a boy that I least looked forward to. As if new babies aren’t shocked enough by their entrance into the outside world, let’s REALLY give them something to be shocked about!

Now granted, I certainly didn’t dread it enough to become an Intactivist and make him wear embarrassing onesies such as these:

(Thanks to Marty for introducing me to this concept…I had no idea that Intactivists even existed before she enlightened me – after all, it takes a while for trends such as this one to make it all the way down here to Alabama.)

…but nonetheless, I wasn’t looking forward to it.

And, although putting Vaseline on “it” every time the diaper is changed is supposed to help “it”, I am positive that Noah very clearly informed us that no, it was not a pleasant feeling AT ALL to be smeared with thick goo.

But, luckily for me, since it’s fairly impossible to change diapers easily after having a C-Section, I got a 5 day reprieve from having to deal with his injuries.

And really, luckily for Noah, too.

Because when I DID take up my diaper changing duties, I didn’t make it any easier on the poor kid.

You see, Vaseline is pretty thick stuff. And so you have to squeeze the tube with all your might to get it to squirt out.

And you see, in the dark, the Vaseline and Desitin (diaper rash cream) tubes look exactly the same.

But, Desitin comes out of the tube a WHOLE lot more willingly. ESPECIALLY if you give it a Vaseline-strengthed squeeze.

And so, one fateful middle-of-the-night last week, poor Noah found himself topped with half a tube of Desitin where I was SUPPOSED to have put Vaseline.

And, apparently, Desitin feels even worse than the intended topper.

And, just to make things worse, the act of Mommy trying desperately to scoop up half a tube of Desitin off of aforementioned injury feels EVEN INFINITELY WORSE.

Poor kid. Doesn’t even know what one is, but he’s totally wishing I were an Intactivist.

On Having a Social Media Baby: A Review.

January 2, 2011January 2, 2011 Rachel Callahan "Deep" Thoughts by Rachel, Blogging: the therapy., I'm a Blog Geek, I'm a Glutton for Adventure, Newsflash, The Blissfulness of Life

As I’m sure you noticed, I made a conscious effort to share my entire pregnancy and birthing experience on social media via blogging, Facebook, and Twitter – at times possibly sharing more than some people wanted to know.

I know that some of you thought I was crazy to give social media any attention while giving birth (especially while I was tweeting from the delivery room), but my final report is that it was SO. MUCH. FUN.

I’ve reiterated time and time again that I consider all of you my friends, whether I’ve met you in real life or not. One of the reasons that I blog is for interaction and relationships – I absolutely LOVE getting your comments and emails and being able to have personal, two-way relationships with each of you, rather than just writing one-way blogs. And part of my drive to do this IS my stay-at-home-Mom role – when I first had Ali, I was SO lonely. After years of a very fast-paced, people-oriented accounting career, the quiet house drove me up the wall. Despite the fact that I’m an introvert, I discovered that I NEEDED people. So when I discovered blogging and the relationships that come with it, my life changed. It actually helped me ENJOY and APPRECIATE my job as Mom at a higher level, because I now had a way to reflect on it, to record it, and to relate to others that were experiencing the same things as I.

And so, when it came time to have another baby, it only seemed natural to share it, real time, through the medium that had enriched my life so much. And it didn’t disappoint! All of your Facebook, blog, and twitter comments (although there was no way I could reply to all of them) were amazing!! During the more boring parts of labor (you know – the parts that didn’t hurt and it was just my job to lay there and wait), Chris and I enjoyed reading all of your feedback. And during the intense parts, it was a nice distraction from the pain.

(Although in the MOST intense parts, I don’t think I was aware of anyone or anything. But besides that.)

Did it take away from our precious family moments? Not at all. We had many, many wonderful personal times where there were no cell phones or computers anywhere to be found. But since we spent FIVE days in the hospital, there were also plenty of moments where having the immediate presence of hundreds of our friends kept us from getting lonely, homesick, or getting cabin fever.

Granted, our families in the waiting room were quite amused by the fact that they occasionally got quicker updates from Facebook than from us personally…

And once we got into our room, social media plus Chris’ work made our hospital room look like a Bookie’s headquarters…

But it was totally worth it.

So, although you might not have been able to get a family photo with Noah while he was in the hospital,

(right after he explosively and very talentedly peed-out-his-diaper all over you like he did poor Ashley…)

I hope that you felt as much of a part of our family and friends as anyone else – because you certainly felt like it to us. Thank you all so much for being a part of our new baby experience!

O Lego Town of Bethlehem…

December 30, 2010July 9, 2013 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, I would NEVER take too many pictures. . ., Kids: The Experience., Lego Love, The Blissfulness of Life

On the Saturday that I went into labor with Noah, Chris and Ali set out on an epic undertaking, combining Chris’ favorite Daddy activity with the Holiday Season…

In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. And everyone went to their own town to register. So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David. But there was no room in the inn..

(Every bed was quite full, albeit a little lumpy and hard, so really they weren’t missing out on much anyway.)

(But it was a shame, since it was a lovely inn, fully decked out with a Christmas Tree (?!?) and a copy of The Torah, most likely placed there by a Jewish Gideon…)

(But alas, the innkeeper stood in the doorway, explaining with an oddly happy face that there was no room for a woman about to give birth…)

And so she gave birth to her firstborn son; and she wrapped Him in cloths, and laid Him in a manger.

(And He happened to have an oddly gigantic head – most definitely off the growth charts. And Mary, instead of a long flowy headpiece, seemed to have a case of helmet headcovering.)

In the same region there were some shepherds staying out in the fields and keeping watch over their flock by night.

(Who happened to be raising some weird crossbreed of RobotDogSheep…)

And an angel of the Lord suddenly stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them; and they were terribly frightened.

(Most likely because he looked more like a ghost than a Heavenly Host.)

Now after Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea in the days of Herod the king, magi from the east arrived in Jerusalem.

(Magi tend to prefer the “eclectic” look.)

(Although the far left Wise Man has more of a “Village People” vibe about him.)

They said, “Where is He who has been born King of the Jews? For we saw His star in the east and have come to worship Him.”

(It was a special star, looking oddly like a Windmill…)

But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.

(Spending an especially long time pondering that weird RobotDogSheep, and how the Christmas Tree made it into the Inn but she couldn’t.)

In Lieu Of Words…

December 28, 2010December 28, 2010 Rachel Callahan Boy Child = Bizarre., Newbornities, Wordless Wednesday - as IF I could be wordless.

Brace yourselves for a level of ferocity beyond your wildest imagination…

Christmas in Images.

December 26, 2010December 26, 2010 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, I would NEVER take too many pictures. . ., Kids: The Experience., The Blissfulness of Life

I do hope to be back to my “regular” blogging schedule at some point in the near future, but there’s something about having major abdominal surgery plus complications (and having staples still in your belly from it – very chafing if you wondered), being in the hospital for five days, having a brand new member of your family and helping everyone get adjusted to the new reality, creating and providing 100% of another human being’s sustenance, and getting drastically less sleep due to providing those nutritional needs that takes away one’s energy to get other things done.

But at any rate, we had an absolutely magical and quite surreal Christmas – having a precious new baby (who is really spoiling us right now – wow he’s happy), and then to top it off, having the first Alabama White Christmas in recorded history.

Bizarre.

And so, here’s our Holiday in Images, with a little narration. After all – I’m still me.

On Christmas Eve, Ali was quite thrilled with her Christmas nightgown…

And luckily, her new-nightgown-high was distracting enough to convince her to hold Noah for the first time. Of course, I took thousands of photos trying to get the perfect one, and this was as close as it got, despite Ali’s expression looking somewhat like Gilly from Saturday Night Live:

And if you were wondering, Noah was quite indifferent about his new Christmas Jammies.

Due to a late night Christmas Eve, we had to actually wake Ali up at 10 AM for Christmas morning. We told her what day it was, and she said, “But I’m still tired. But I don’t want to go back to sleep!!!”

She immediately went to her stocking, passing by the unwrapped-because-I-went-into-labor-while-wrapping-presents gifts from Santa. Her Crayola Candy Canes were much more thrilling.

She then proceeded to take out each piece of candy and knick-knack, one by one from her stocking, examining each one as she pulled them out.

…And then asked for bowls to sort and organize her candies.

Finally, she got to her presents. I’d recently bought her a new schoolbook, and Chris told me I should wrap it from Santa just to prove what a geek our daughter was.

Sure enough, she was thrilled:

Gotta love not having any preconceived notions about school.

She finally got everything opened, and began studying intently for her Lego building project with Daddy:

During her long, relaxing present opening, Noah was also pretty chill.

After everything was opened and Daddy anal-retentively organized and displayed it, Ali and Chris headed out in Alabama-appropriate clothing to enjoy the snow:

Ali most wanted to taste the snow. But to avoid the big-fluffy-flakes-in-the-eye-issue, it makes for an interesting expression:

But at any rate, she was quite happy with the flavor.

I kept hearing Chris (in his shorts in the snow) asking Ali if she was ready to go inside yet. And I kept hearing Ali (in her nightgown with no pants) say “No, I’m good!”

I don’t think Ali has any idea how low the chances are that she will ever see Christmas lights and snow in Alabama at the same time ever again.

Chris’ parents came over a bit later, and Ali used her new doctor kit to check on Papa’s recovery:

And then that night, we headed over to JC and Lindsay’s to introduce Noah to his cousins for the first time.

Eli came over to inspect him, and my Dad asked him, “Do you know who this is?”

Naturally, considering the day and the introduction of a new baby, Eli immediately answered, “It’s Baby Jesus!!!”

Tessa wasn’t quite as interested – she was more interested in making sure that she hadn’t lost her status as Pop’s baby.

Before the present chaos took over, Ali used Gramamma’s “What God Wants for Christmas” set to tell the family the Christmas story,

And then Ali and Eli led a rousing, albeit chaotic version of “Away in a Manger”.

Ali’s favorite present? Well, I think they were all her favorites, but she was pretty thrilled with her new magical wardrobe from Eli and Tessa:

It was an awesome Christmas, but by the end of it, there were at least two of us who were quite ready for the present of sleep.

Which, by the way, we’ve gotten much more of since that first night at home.

Merry Christmas!

…and now it’s time for another nap.

He Doesn’t Believe in Silent Nights.

December 24, 2010December 24, 2010 Rachel Callahan Newbornities, Parent of the Year

Wanted: Baby mattress with faux-flesh sheets, warms to a constant 98.6 degrees, has a built-in noisemaker that simulates a heartbeat and the occasional tummy gurgle (and maybe a snore or two), and has two built-in, conically shaped pillows that produce life sustaining milk when requested by the occupant.

…Because I’m pretty sure that’s the only thing that’s gonna make this kid sleep in his own bed.

Good thing he’s so unbelievably cute.

If that item isn’t available, I’m also interested in purchasing an As Seen In Hospitals call-a-nurse-who-will-come-take-your-baby-to-a-magically-faraway-nursery-so-you-can-rest button.

This blog post was composed at 2:58am, on Night One at home, with one hand, on an iPhone, before any sleep occurred for anyone but Ali. Luckily, the night (marginally) improved after that point. Although he may have won a battle or two, I won the war.