Start with a Three Week Old Baby:
therefore also adding in one Very-Sleep-Deprived-Three-Weeks-Post-Partum-Mommy.
On Saturday morning, stir in a Four Year Old’s Birthday, starting and ending with complete sugar overload:
Then add in a Fully-Energetic Gymnastics Birthday party with 14 Kids, from ages 1 to 6:
After Birthday Party ends (including a rather toxic and epically long diaper change by Daddy of aforesaid three-week-old on the kitchen counter, on a paper plate, and running out of wet wipes),
Start adding slowly to the above mixture an extreme toothache for Mommy-With-No-Sleep.
Immediately add Percocet-Left-Over-From-C-Section, bringing back visions of fuzzy rabbits.
Attempt to add a nap for Mommy-With-No-Sleep-And-A-Toothache during Birthday Girl’s Sugar-Coma-Nap, but nap may or may not take, due to toothache and fuzzy rabbits.
DO NOT TRY TO EAT THE CHRISTMAS PIZZA WITH TOOTHACHE.
Allow Newly-Turned-Four-Year-Old to run the show in the absence of Sound Mind within Mommy-With-No-Sleep-And-A-Terrible-Toothache-Especially-Now-From-Trying-To-Eat-The-Christmas-Pizza.
Allow recipe to set overnight. During the night, you will discover that the toothache pain is so constant and intense (and not always helped by C-Section Percocet) that it absolutely MUST be an abscessed tooth. Pain MAY keep you up during the hours that Three-Week-Old doesn’t.
Take note that a Great Snow Storm is predicted the next day, so if you want to get said abscess treated before the world shuts down (because that’s what happens in Alabama when the white stuff falls), then you better hurry and figure out where you can go to the Dentist on a Sunday.
After setting all night, drag entire family out Sunday morning in the attempt to go to the Emergency Dental Clinic before the snow arrives. Allow family to go to the mall while you wait for your most-anticipated-dental-work-ever – drill pain is MUCH preferred.
(Keep in mind that Emergency Dental Clinics can attract a rather…interesting crowd. Do not be alarmed if a sleazeball weirdo stares at you the whole time, despite your rapidly swelling face.)
(Or maybe BECAUSE of your rapidly swelling face.)
After waiting endlessly at Dental office, the recipe will take a turn for the worst: they will tell you that you actually have a failing root canal, and need to be referred to an Endodontist.
Of course, there are no Endodontists that work on Sundays. Or in Snowstorms. So add in antibiotics and more pain medicine, and prepare for a Winter Storm of Continuing and Constant Pain.
Within 36 hours, your face will swell from this:
To this horrific sight:
After a few tears of disappointment at the lack of drillage happening in your mouth, return home and try to have a wonderful family moment of finally giving the Birthday Girl her present from Mommy and Daddy.
Which, in keeping with tradition, she will be totally underwhelmed with.
But, after an hour or so of pondering it, will finally, but very trepidatiously, at least sit upon said present:
On Monday Morning, check the process of Epic Snowstorm to find out that, although it looks like snow, it is really ice.
Meaning, of course, that the world will MOST CERTAINLY be completely shut down, allowing your face to swell past it’s natural limits and making you look like you should be on one of TLC’s freak shows.
Lay on the couch all day in a daze of Percocet, allowing Not-Able-To-Go-To-Work Daddy to take Newly-Four-Year-Old out to play in the ice:
And eat disgustingly dirty icicles off of her extraordinarily dirty trampoline, which will thrill her soul so much that it will make the possible risk of contamination completely worth it.
After all ingredients are mixed in, sit back and revel in the wonderful parts of the weekend (birthdays, Christmas, and snow ice), watch the National Championship Football Game, and pray that the roads will be clear by mornin and that all of the Endodontists in town won’t be so behind from Ice Storm Make-Up appointments that SOMEONE will be able to drill into your head before your face completely explodes from the pressure.
…and hope for an as-boring-as-Cream-Of-Wheat-with-no-butter-or-salt kind of week.