Rachel Callahan

Win a $50 PhotoWorks Shopping Spree!

March 19, 2010 Rachel Callahan Giveaways and Contests

I’ve recently been introduced to an awesome photography printing website, PhotoWorks. PhotoWorks is the newly redesigned American Greetings Corporation website, and they have tons of easy options for getting your pictures printed – in all kinds of creative ways.

They have many options for getting full photo books printed, as well as very inexpensive photo cards, magnets, stickers, calendars, mouse pads, throw rugs, coffee mugs, and more! And of course, you can get regular prints made of your photos as well.

They sent me a credit to try out the website, and I found the interactivity of their site to be extremely easy and intuitive. Once I decided what product I was going to buy (which took quite a while, thanks to all of their great ideas), it was literally less than five minutes until I had completed my order.

Since I’ve had a bit of an addiction to coffee and hot tea after receiving a Keurig for Christmas, I decided to buy a few of their photo mugs. I ordered them Tuesday night with the standard shipping option, and they arrived on my doorstep Friday morning – a three day turnaround for a personalized product!

And the mugs came out extremely adorable:
The photo quality amazed me – they were very clear, as opposed to other photo products I’ve gotten from other companies, where the photos come out very granulated and fuzzy.

If you’d like to try out PhotoWorks for yourself, I have a $50 coupon code to give away to one of you! Simply comment on this post to enter.

You can earn up to five extra entries by:

Go to their website and tell me one thing that you would want to order.
Subscribe to OR Follow my blog
Follow me on Twitter OR Facebook
Follow PhotoWorks on Twitter
Tweet, blog, OR Facebook about this giveaway

(be sure to leave separate comments for your extra entries.)

Best of luck! This giveaway is open until Monday, March 29th. The winner will be randomly selected and posted on my giveaway winners page on Tuesday, March 30th.

Disclosure: I received a $50 credit to PhotoWorks for review purposes, but as always, my opinions are completely my own.

Rachel: Baby Whisperer, LLC.

March 18, 2010 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, I'm a Glutton for Adventure, The Blissfulness of Life

Tessa and I have a special relationship.

(She’s the little one, not the one measuring her gargantuan head or the one posing for her Miss America publicity shots.)

It’s not like we even spend that much time alone together, but the time we do spend together is quite productive.

Episode One: Septemberish.

Ashley left her with me while she went into the other room to make her a bottle. We started playing.

As soon as she made eye contact with me, she started laughing.

Great – I look THAT bad today, huh?

She laughs more.

Ashley yells from the other room, “Is she LAUGHING????”

I yell back, “Yup.”

She comes running in, “She’s NEVER LAUGHED BEFORE!!!”

Me: “Umm…Oops.”

Episode Two: February.

Tessa and I are at the same Birthday party. We’re all sitting out on the deck, watching the older kids on the trampoline. Tessa is sitting in her carrier on the opposite side of the deck from me.

I start clapping, and then I make eye contact with her.

She locks into my eyes, and starts slowly clapping.

Ashley looks down, looks shocked, then follows Tessa’s gaze over to me.

Ashley: “SHE’S NEVER CLAPPED BEFORE!!! I spent all week last week trying to get her to clap!!”

Me: “Umm….Oops.”

Episode Three: March.

I kept AJ and Tessa on Tuesday for a little while. Since she and I had a reputation to keep up, I spent some time deciding what I was going to teach Tessa before she got there.

Ali and AJ were quite occupied playing keep-it-in-the-air,

So I started my training process.

We locked eyes.

Me: “Say RACHEL. RA….CHEL. RAAAAACHEL.”

AJ stops what she is doing to point out my ridiculous waste of breath. “She can’t talk, you know. She’s just a baby. She can’t talk. She can’t say Rachel.”

Me: “Say RAAAACHEL. RACHEL. RACHEL RACHEL RACHEL.”

AJ: “She can’t SAY Rachel!!!!!! She can’t say anything but Dada!!!!!”

Me: “Say RRRRRAAAAACHELLLL.”

So while Ali and AJ were enthralled with The Nutcracker,

Anxiety-Filled about The Nutcracker’s demise after his fight with the Mouse King,

And pretending to be Clara so that they could dream about dancing with the Nutcracker and “Sugarplum Perry”,

I stayed on task.

“Say RACHEL. RaaaaaaaCHEL.”

Finally, Tessa locked eyes with me. She got a big grin. She opened her mouth really wide, as if she were preparing to shout the roof off the house.

Then she whispered in a tiny little voice, “atchel.”

“RACHEL.”

“atchel.”

“AJ! Come here! She is saying it!!”

AJ came running, very skeptically.

“Say RAAAACHEL.”

“atchel.”

AJ: “She can say Rachel!!! Ali!! Come listen to my sister say Rachel!!!”

And that’s how I taught a ten month old to talk.

If only I had that much power over my OWN child.

Rachel is now taking baby and toddler training appointments for specialties such as learning to walk, potty-training, learning to pick up toys on command, eating what is put on their plate, and allowing their Mommies to go to the bathroom in without following them to ask them a bazillion random questions.

Scratch that last one – if she had the knowledge of how to do that, she’d lead a much more serene life.

Spring Break Means Nothing To Me.

March 17, 2010 Rachel Callahan "Deep" Thoughts by Rachel, A Day in the Life, Actually Possibly Informational, Earthborn Pottery, Giveaways and Contests, Shamelessly Plugging Away

…except that it means that half of you all are off, gallivanting around on the warm sunny beaches of the world while I’m stuck in The Neverending Winter.

I’m pretty sure God typoed and selected “Alaska” instead of “Alabama” on the pull-down menu when he put in our Weather Order for this year.

But back to Spring Break. I’m still in the weird stage of life – in between college and having school-aged kids – where Spring Break is a week that lots of other people have off, but is another normal week for me.

I want a better, more meaningful relationship with Spring Break. Without having to be in school or teach school to get it.

So, while I’m over here sulking, here are a couple of randoms:

1. Blogger has this great new gadget called “Pages”.

(At least I think it’s new. I just noticed it for the first time last week. If it’s not new, don’t tell me that I am WAY behind the times.)

2. I’m very excited about pages. It’s kinda like having WordPress without having to make The Big Change.

(Okay, it’s not at all like having WordPress, but a girl can pretend, right??)

3. First of all, I am using these pages to bring back my Blogroll. I took it off of my sidebar a few months ago because I didn’t like that I couldn’t include everyone without it being a mile and a half long, but the pages application is the perfect use for it. So now there’s a link on my sidebar to get to my blogroll, which will take you to my nifty new page. I tried really, really hard to include everyone, but if I left you off, please let me know.

4. I am also using this uber-cool new pages feature to host my giveaway winners from now on. There is now a Winners Page that will always have the winners on it. That way, my OCD self doesn’t have to feel weird about having a whole post to announce one winner. It just makes me nervous. So, check out my new Winners Page to see yesterday’s Earthborn Pottery winner.

5. Speaking of Earthborn Pottery, several of you have asked me about when Tena would have products on sale. Tena is having a liquidation sale of 40 extra Banquet Bowls that she makes for Bellagio Resort. They are large bowls and retail at $287 but she’s selling these 40 for $100 each (65% off!), and they can be shipped. If you’re interested in getting one or want more information, you can tweet her, or let me know and I’ll get you in touch with her.

5. Ali’s got some stiff toddler competition (for last place) in my Bracket Pool by K from This is the Day. K even has a super cute video of her Selection Show – I think Ali is feeling the burn of intimidation. So, I’ve decided to add a prize: I haven’t finished nailing down all the details yet, but there will be a very fun kid prize for whichever kid (under the age of 10) does the WORST. So far it’s just K and Ali, so you have a day to get your kid in to play too, or K will just win by default.

(Obviously, Ali can’t win. Stinks being the Blogger’s Kid.)

6. BUT NO CHEATING, people! This is the honor system. No fair guiding them in their selection process to pick all of the 16’s! You must honestly let them pick their brackets by some method, whether just asking them, or the more archaic methods that I used last year.

7. So if you have a kid that wants to enter, let me know it’s a kid entry, and be sure and get it in before the first game Thursday night (after that I don’t think it will let you add one).

8. And if you’re an adult that still wants to enter, by all means, do! For the details of the bracket and prizes, click here.

Okay?

Okay.

Now I’m going to go back to my Non-Spring Break. Please tell me I’m not the only one suffering from Lack-Of-Spring-Break-Blues…

Living with an OCD Child.

March 16, 2010 Rachel Callahan Anal Retentivity to a Fault, Toddlers: The Experience

When Chris and I were dating, he let me in on a little family secret.

They were all obsessive/compulsive. In a major way.

They all had their own special OCD quirks…

His Grandmother saved every piece of mail, letter, card, newspaper, or magazine she ever received. In very nice, neat, orderly, and organized stacks and boxes.

Also, she had a special admiration for crisp, new currency. So when she would get an unbent $20 bill, she would tuck it, for safekeeping, into one of those many letters or cards.

ESPECIALLY if she got several that were in serial number order.

You can only imagine the fun that Chris’ Aunt Kitty had when Grandma moved to a nursing home, trying to sort through all of those letters to make sure that she didn’t throw out any of her nice, new, crisp money that was now decades old.

Speaking of Kitty, she has her OCD quirks too. Chris taught me a game when we were dating: The Turn-Kitty’s-Knick-Knacks-Around Game. You didn’t even have to turn them all the way around – just turn one of those wooden cats at a ten degree angle, and watch how long it took Kitty to notice and come rushing over there to straighten it up.

Everyone in the family has their little OCD quirks, even (or should I say especially) Chris (just reference his Lego post for more details).

And then, there’s me. If you haven’t figured out that I can be a bit OCD myself, then you must be new here.

(Hi! My name is Rachel and I’m an OCD blogger. Nice to meet you!)

So you can imagine what this dual family history has created in our child.

It includes traits like:

Everywhere we go, from the mall to the office to my parents house, has a ritual. She must do the exact same things in the exact same order to be able to enjoy the rest of her visit.
Lining things up, counting them, keeping them together, making sure that they look exactly like they did the day before…
hoarding.

This week has been especially full of these moments…

She was coloring with my highlighters in a very orderly fashion (blue then yellow then pink, then blue then yellow then pink) when I told her it was time to go upstairs and get ready to go.

She carefully collected all the highlighters, laboriously put the correct top on each one (including the missing top that she destroyed the rest of my desk to find), and then I took them from her and put them in my pen holder. She kept reaching for them, but I told her that it was time to go upstairs.

As we turned to walk upstairs, she turned back around and reached for the pens again.

Assuming that she was directly disobeying me, I sternly told her, “Ali, I told you that we were done writing. It’s time to go upstairs.”

She burst into tears. Not I’m-pitching-a-fit tears, but you-don’t-understand-me-at-all-and-now-I-have-severely-hurt-feelings tears.

I turned back around and picked her up to talk to her, then I noticed what the problem might have been: I had put one of the highlighters in the cup upside-down. AND to make matters worse, it was sticking up slightly above the others.

To see if this was the problem, I asked her, “What were you trying to do?”

Ali: “I was trying to fix the yellow pen!!”

I picked up the cup and held it toward her. She pulled out the yellow highlighter, turned it around, and tucked it into the cup at exactly the same depth and angle of it’s sister pens.

And then life could go on.

This morning, she was peeling herself a Mandarin Orange. She got about halfway done, and then said, “OH NO!!! I can’t eat this – I put a hole in it!!!”

I looked, and sure enough, there was a small break in the orange where her fingernail had gone too deep.

The earth-shattering tragedy.

I told her “It’s okay. Oranges taste just as good if they’re broken than if they’re not. Finish peeling it and it will be just fine.

She said doubtfully, “ooookay…” and kept peeling.

She got it all finished up and held a piece out to me and said in a sugary sweet voice, “Would you like one of my oranges, Mommy?”

“Of course, sweetie!! Thank you SO much for sharing!”

“You’re welcome. I gave you the broked piece.”

And then life could go on.

One thing is for sure: Kitty most certainly doesn’t have to worry about Ali continuing the tradition of turning her knick-knacks around.

Bracketology and Geography

March 16, 2010 Rachel Callahan Giveaways and Contests, Parent of the Year

I’ve always pretty much despised Basketball, but I’ve been REALLY looking forward to making my bracket this year.

Although I used to always keep up with Chris’ bracket for him (because I’m a geek and I love to count things), last year was my first ever attempt at making my own bracket, which I did with no research, no information, no nothing except for my very primitive knowledge of what schools have good basketball programs.

I expected to be the laughingstock of Chris’ Office Pool, but by some sort of sports miracle worthy of a heartwarming and inspirational movie starring Sandra Bullock as me, I totally swept the whole tournament.

Obviously, this was simply a very cliché example of beginner’s luck. But just in case I have a very specialized psychic ability to predict basketball outcomes, I was waiting for the selection show to end Sunday so I could run to the computer and print out a bracket.

(because you know, if I WERE basketball psychic, I’d hate to find out after it was too late that the gift was time-sensitive.)

Also, because of Ali’s great talent at gambling, I helped her make a bracket last year. Her selection methods were a bit archaic, and her outcome was so bad that I’m pretty sure she had no mathematical shot at winning after the first game.

Being that she’s another year older and wiser now, I’ve been hoping that her skills would better reflect her maternal genes.

Also, I thought it would be an excellent opportunity for us to brush up on her geography skills, since it had been a while since we had reviewed her states.

So we began our selection process. She definitely showed that she had talent. She had talent at knowing which school was seeded the absolute worst and picking it very decisively.

I tried swapping up the order in which I asked her the teams, but she still managed to pick the worst team in almost every match-up. At least she’s consistent.

And her winner – Morgan State, a 15 seeded team.

But really, I don’t know why I’m surprised that she would predict 20 Cinderella Stories – the girl loves princesses with all her heart.

(Did you like that Basketball terminology I just threw around like I know something? I thought you’d be impressed.)

Anyway, I recorded the first part of our bracket selection show for posterity’s sake…which actually included her best picks of her entire bracket – it all went QUITE downhill after this:

(Forgive the poor videography. I was trying to fill in her bracket while keeping the camera on a shifty toddler. Alas, the results.)

And, I decided to share the fun this year and create my own ESPN bracket group: Grasping for Objectivity. So far, Ali and I are the only two in the group, which is why you need to get yourself over there and play with the super-cool drag-and-drop features of the bracket-making process and join us!

Unless you’re scared of Ali’s stiff competition, that is.

(Just pick Morgan State like her and I’m sure you’ll do great.)

I think you have to join before Wednesday night or Thursday or before the Tournament starts, whenever that might be.

There will be a prize for first place – I’ve decided to use my newest favorite hobby, frame-making, to make a set of frames for the winner. This is the first of the set:

By the time March Madness is over, I will have used my during-Basketball-Game boredom to create at least three more frames to go with this one, all different sizes but with coordinating patterns.

And don’t worry – they’ve already got Sandra Bullock on standby to make this year’s inspirational sports sequel, this year starring the mother of child prodigy, Ali – the only person in the ENTIRE WORLD to correctly pick Morgan State as the 2010 National Champions.

The Truth About Cats and Dogs.

March 14, 2010February 7, 2011 Rachel Callahan "Deep" Thoughts by Rachel, Mystery Solved, The Cartoon Age, Weird Strange and True

Every now and then, I have mentioned my cat, Oreo, whilst blogging. From the comments on those posts, I have become aware of a very interesting phenomenon.

People hate cats.

They aren’t just “not cat people” like I’m “not a dog person” (and really I’m not that much of a cat person either but that’s off topic), but they really DESPISE them.

Sure, there are some “cat people” out there, of course, but talking about everyone else.

This has puzzled and amused me, because although I have no desire AT ALL to own a dog, I don’t hate them, and I am pretty sure that the majority of Non-Dog-People would agree. Other people’s dogs are cute and endearing, but that doesn’t mean that I EVER want one of my own.

But Non-Cat-People are not the same. They despise cats with all of their being.

And, as I was having one of my deep-thoughts-ponder-the-meaning-of-the-Universe moments the other day, I figured out why.

(I know you’re dying to find out the source of your feline animosity, right?)

DISNEY.

We all know that Disney is rumored to have secret motives.

(As a kid, how many times did you stare at the box of The Little Mermaid or rewind that scene in Aladdin to hear the tiny voice and see the writing in the clouds?)

I would like to expose a new Disney Secret Motive:Cat Loathing.

They apparently have a company policy to perpetuate a propaganda that all dogs and angelic, adorable, loving animals and cats are evil, hateful, malicious villains that can’t be trusted.

Need proof?

I present to you Exhibit A: Lucifer.

They weren’t very subtle in in the 50’s with their anti-cat message. Step One: name a cat after SATAN HIMSELF.

Step Two: Have a loving, kind, gentle dog that defends Cinderella against the gleefully evil cat,

Step Three: further the dog’s feel of humanness by turning him into a lovable footman for Cinderella’s magical carriage:

Not enough proof? Don’t worry – Disney has left no feline-bashing-opportunity on the drawing board.

There’s the greasy, Chipmunk-eating, politically-incorrectly named villain in Chip ‘n Dale, “Fat Cat”,

The LSD Junkie and can’t be trusted Cheshire Cat à la Alice in Wonderland,

The extremely vicious and hateful Si and Am from Lady and the Tramp,

(Juxtaposed, of course, with the heroic and romantic dogs that are so talented they can not only eat spaghetti, but slurp a whole noodle without breaking it in order to kiss while doing so):

And Disney didn’t just stop with animated cats. Cosmic Creepers’ name said it all in Bedknobs and Broomsticks:

And then there are the dogs.

The heroes.

The best friends.

The lovable, cute, cuddly, perfect, never chew up the furniture or go outside, roll in poop, then come in and roll it on the Persian rug perfect animals.

Who couldn’t love Slinky from Toy Story?

Bolt got a whole movie where he was a super-hero twice over:
The Fox and the Hound showed how Dogs, unlike cats, can look past racial differences and become friends with supposed-to-be enemies, and be adorably cute while doing so:

Pluto showed how loyal a best friend can be, even to a mouse:

Disney was SO successful with their portrayal of canine perfection in 101 Dalmatians that there was a craze of people that went out and bought Dalmatians, only to find out that they were actually unpredictable and not-good-with-children pets:

And, in their apex of Dog Holiness, Nana in Peter Pan showed how Dogs can be just as good as a Mother, doling out medicine and tucking children in at night.

Hopefully no one bought into THAT piece of Disney wisdom.

So there you have it. I’m not sure if Walt Disney was attacked by an angry band of violent cats and then nursed back to health by a loving, matronly dog when he was a child or what, but there’s no question that he had it out for cats.

And the rest of the world? Obviously effected by his message.

Gotta go now – Oreo’s scratching the furniture again. CATS.

No, You Didn’t Dial the Wrong Blog…

March 14, 2010 Rachel Callahan I'm a Blog Geek

I gave myself a makeover!

After working on and off for five months of frustrating design work, I’ve finally redesigned my blogs! (B-Sides got a coordinating makeover, too.)

I’m not sure why, but it is MUCH easier to design someone else’s blog than your own.

At any rate, I am hoping to accomplish a few things with this new redesign:

Sleeker, less busy design – maybe even more professional (but probably not).
MUCH faster loading time (let me know if this isn’t true).
A change of scenery.

Hope you like it!

Alex Lambert: An Ode.

March 12, 2010 Rachel Callahan "Deep" Thoughts by Rachel, Utter Silliness

Dear Alex,

I don’t know where to start, except that your American Idol candle burned out long before your legend ever will.

(sniff)

I’m pretty sure that you’re the first contestant that has ever inspired me to vote in the preliminary rounds (except for all of the Birmingham guys – Ruben, Bo, and Taylor – I’m a hometown supporter, after all). I’m sorry that America didn’t see what I saw in you.

You overcame so many adversities to make it to the show…

For one, the mullet. You sang so well it almost made me think that it was cute.

Let me be clear: It is NOT cute, but had you stayed, I might have been won over by the end of the show.

And even more importantly, you overcame the adversity of very nearly sharing a name with the scariest person that has ever been on Idol:

I promise you that the Lamberts of the world are VERY appreciative of you bringing respect back to their surname.

The thing is, if the show was based on talent, Aaron Kelly should have gone instead of you.

But there’s some sort of unspoken Idol rule that there MUST be one scrawny, cheesy teenage boy that could easily play the starring role in “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” in the top 12 to keep the tweens coming back for more.

Apparently, yesterday’s wimps are today’s heart throbs.

Whether it’s David Archuleta,

Anthony Federov,

John Stevens,

Or the King of the WimpyVille, Kevin Covais.

If only you looked wimpy and cheesy…but then I probably wouldn’t be a fan.

Ali and I watched the DVR’ed show today..when you came on to do your last performance, I told her you were my favorite. She stood, mesmerized, attempting to clap with the rhythm but failing miserably, definitely crushing on you instead of Wimpy Kid.

I’m pretty sure that if she knew what a Zippo was, she would have been waving it above her head.

It sure seemed like the judges could see your talent, too – why else would Ellen compare you to a banana three weeks in a row?

But maybe I saw something in you that wasn’t really there.

But at least they always do a horrid group-medley-made-for-the-Wimpy-Kids-of-the-World on kick-off night to add a silver lining to that dark cloud of rejection…at least you can take comfort in the fact that you’ll never have to do THAT again.

Let me just say that you are officially, and always will be, the Grasping For Objectivity 2010 Idol.

…but you might want to consider ditching the mullet.

Your biggest and apparently only fan,

Rachel

p.s. – Lilly should have stayed too. And maybe even Katelyn. America obviously stinks at the whole voting thing this year.

p.p.s. – It was totally obvious that Siobhan has a thing for you – but be careful not to break her heart. I wouldn’t get on anyone’s bad side that uses a blow-torch in their day job.

p.p.p.s. – Seriously. Get rid of the Mullet.

Turning Liquid Gold Into Cheese.

March 11, 2010 Rachel Callahan Can I get a copy of that recipe?, Weird Strange and True

Caution: People of the Male Gender MIGHT find this post to be disturbing and possibly too much information, and people of the Female Gender might have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome Flashbacks. Proceed With Caution. You have been fairly warned.

It’s been a couple of years since I’ve personally been through it, but I can still WAY TOO CLEARLY remember my days of nursing Ali.

And especially The Pump. (No that is not mine, no that is not Ali in the picture, and no I never put a picture of Ali in the picture pocket. I personally found that more than a little strange.)

The time investment, the pain, the high maintenance of nursing, pumping and bottle feeding, and 56 items that had to be washed every three hours, the constant whirring of the motor, the hilariously grotesque visual…fun times.

Worth it? Totally. Painful? Extremely.

But after Ali was finished nursing and I was too lazy to thaw those last few bags of breast milk and give them to her, I will admit that they sat in the freezer for quite some time.

(Maybe a year.)

But I assure you that they are definitely gone now.

(Liquid Gold. It’s hard to throw out.)

But I finally did, and I moved on.

And then I saw this the other day.

A chef. A real, live, very talented chef….

decided to use his wife’s extra breast milk to make….CHEESE.

I already felt like a Dairy Farm during those days, but if Chris had made cheese out of my milk?

Moo.

It brings a whole new meaning to the term “Locally Produced”, doesn’t it?

He has very detailed and step-by-step directions, if any of you just couldn’t bear to part with your liquid gold and would like to transform it into a new and tasty product.

But if you try it, be sure and let me know how it turns out…so I remember to stay away from the cheese ball at your next party.

The War On Embarrassment.

March 10, 2010 Rachel Callahan "Deep" Thoughts by Rachel, Parent of the Year, Toddlers: The Experience

Ali’s a pretty shy little kid around people she doesn’t know, so I figured that she wouldn’t be one of those that was constantly embarrassing me by making loud observations in front of strangers. And I was right, at least about the “constantly” part.

However, we have definitely entered the stage of embarrassment. It all started when she was convinced for so long that I had…twins…in my “tummy”. But since then, it’s blossomed into observations about strangers as well…

(in the parking lot)

“Mommy! That lady has a BIG HUGE baby in her belly!”

“Umm…no she doesn’t honey…here, let’s run this way and duck behind that car over there.”

~~~~

(in the beauty salon)

“Mommy!! She smiled at me!!”

“Um, that was a man, honey. Sometimes boys have long hair, earrings, and eyeliner, too.”

~~~~

(in the Target bathroom)

“Mommy, I smell something. I smell something and It smells YUCKY!!!”

~~~~

You get the idea. All parents go through this, right?

Well, I’ve been compiling a list of helpful tips for parents on how to fight this very disconcerting behavior.

1. Duct Tape.

Pro: I’m pretty sure that it’s child proof and makes a pretty good sound barrier (for especially loud children who need a little extra soundproofing, line the inside of the duct tape with those styrofoam blocks that they use to line music studios).

Con: Those same strangers that your child would have made embarrassing observations about will now be making observations about YOU.

2. Don’t Teach Them To Talk.

Pro: It guarantees saving you from 99% of all embarrassing observations. Of course, there’s still that 1% that involves them touching, rather than talking about, random strangers.

Cons: By the time you realize you should have done this, it’s too late. And even if you DO remember on your third or fourth child that it’d be better if they waited for their common sense to grow in before talking, you may or may not be able to accomplish this difficult feat. My parents swore that they wouldn’t teach my little brother to talk based on the lessons me and my older brother taught them, but he learned anyway, and in an ironical twist of fate, I’m pretty sure that me and my O.B.’s embarrassing moments don’t hold a candle to one day’s worth of L.B.’s moments.

3. Teach your child that strangers are mean, nasty creatures that bite little children if they catch them talking about them.

Pro: It should work for quite some time.

Cons: You may be more embarrassed by the way your child horrifically screams and runs from strangers as if they are ghastly creatures. And, well, the nightmares.

4. Beat them to the punch – go ahead and make the embarrassing observations yourself before your kids have the chance.

Pro: At least you know what’s coming – no surprises.

Con: Your children will only learn from your parental expertise and become even better at it. And, well, the bruises that you’ll get from that lady that does NOT have a baby in her belly will just make it not so worth it after all.

Until I figure out a strategy that works, don’t expect to see me out in public – I’ll be in disguise.

And if you see someone that looks just like me except with a fake looking mustache and glasses on, that’s not me. That’s just my Little Brother. And watch out – he’ll embarrass you.