My (Three Day) Life as a Minivanning Mommy.

May 5, 2011May 5, 2011 Rachel Callahan Actually Possibly Informational, Anal Retentivity to a Fault, I'm a Glutton for Adventure, Kids: The Experience., Survey Says. . .

Due to obvious reasons, I began my Grand Minivan Challenge two days late.

On Friday, I packed up the two kids and headed to pick up our borrowed ride from Serra Honda.

Ali wasn’t quite understanding the concept of a car store, so I got grilled all the way there…

“So how are we going to pick it up off the shelf? Isn’t it too heavy?”

“We don’t have to pick it up – we’re going to drive it.”

“Oh. So they’re on the GROUND??”

Obviously, the kid isn’t too observant of car lots.

When we arrived and were being treated like royalty by the Serra Honda Man, all Ali could talk about was how extremely badly she wanted a smoothie, of all things.

(Enter SHM’s mental images of an entire grape smoothie spilled in the back seat of his top-of-the-line 2011 minivan…poor guy.)

I assured him that no smoothie purchases would be made.

Which made Ali immediately contrary. The entire time I was strapping her into our borrowed car and sliding the door closed, she was calling out to him, “My Mommy’s Pilot is my favorite car here! I don’t want to borrow your Odyssey! MY HONDA PILOT IS BETTER!!”

Nice.

She certainly didn’t win herself any Customer-Of-The-Year nominations.

So. The Test Drive.

First of all, I will definitely award it Cool Points for the new body style.

You see, one of my readers, Angie, helped me dissect my subconscious dislike of the minivan shape.

If cars were a pair of jeans, then minivans most definitely have The Dreaded “Long Butt”.

I don’t know how I never realized that Minivans were Mom Jeans.

Long, flat butts all around.

As compared to an SUV, which has a much more stylish, curvy rear…

And then I realized: the fronts of minivans are no better – they’re…saggy. Like, I-Nursed-A-Dozen-Kids saggy.

Now I’m certainly pro-nursing (OBVIOUSLY), but let’s not be in denial – it does cause more than a bit of saggishness. And nobody wants their sag mirrored in the front of their car.

Even the older models of Odysseys have quite a sag to them.

…as opposed to SUV’s….yup – they’re perky.

Perky.

And so, with that minutia of analyzing the plight of Long Buttishness and Saggyness in the Minivan genre, what I did appreciate about the 2011 Odyssey is that it’s shape is much less Mom Jeansy.

It has a nice butt…

…and it has an SUV’s level of perk.

Here are a couple of things I didn’t like about it:

* Despite it’s generous number of cupholders, it did not have a cupholder within reach of a strapped-in kid. In my Pilot, Ali has a cupholder AND a storage rectangle in the door.

(This seems trivial until you have a four-year-old drop her grape smoothie in the floorboard because she had nowhere to set it and got tired of holding it.)

* The driver’s area was much further away from the second row, making it very difficult to drive while holding Noah’s paci in to mitigate his favorite tradition of car screaming. Once he is old enough to behave in the car, though, I might really appreciate that extra air space between us.

Here are some other things that I did like about it:

* The dashboard information panel was a geek’s paradise.

In the days before having the carry on an endless conversation about fairies and favorite colors while driving, I would actually entertain my mind by figuring my gas mileage in my head. Now that I am not allowed that time of mental wandering, it was fun to be able to simply look up and see the glorious statistical heaven.

* That same geek-out stats screen automatically becomes a back-up camera when you put the van in reverse:

…as opposed to my Pilot, which, due to a LACK of backup camera, has a rear end that looks like this:

* The automatic opening and closing rear hatch. My Pilot’s rear hatch is so heavy that it takes both arms to close it, so I can hardly use it anymore since I’ve always got a baby in one arm. The Odyssey’s opens and closes with a click of a button.

* Instead of a sunglasses holder in the roof (which I always forget is there in my Pilot and spend 20 minutes searching for my sunglasses), it has a kid-mirror. LOVE.

(Notice my arm? Yeah. That’s how we roll. Car-Hatin’-Baby-Style.)

I was really hoping that the Minivan magic would extend to Noah and he would suddenly love car rides, but alas. It was not to be.

Ali, however, had a change of heart.

After watching Tinkerbell in the car and discovering the fun buttons that open and close the sliding doors, she begged me not to take it back – Pilot Who??

But when we did return it, I think she got some superhero inspiration…

…I have a feeling that “Playing Spiderman” may be replaced with “Playing Serra Honda Man” at our house.

So. The bottom line…

Would I be able to drive a 2011 Odyssey without feeling like I lost my identity as a person?

As shocked as I am to say this, Yes. It was cool enough that I could handle it.

Does this apply to all minivans everywhere?

No. I definitely did not become a Generalized Minivan Convert.

Would I choose a 2011 Odyssey over an SUV?

Not at this point, but maybe when the kids are a little older. A comparably-priced SUV would have a lot of the same features minus the sliding doors, and although they were nice in tight parking spaces and in the garage, they didn’t make life that much easier at this time. I think that when both kids can get in and out and buckled by themselves, sliding doors would be golden.

Am I going to get any new vehicle right now?

No. Until Noah learns to enjoy the art of the car ride, I’ve come to realize that my Pilot, albeit painful to get him in and out of, is the best option – because I can drive and pacify simultaneously.

But the bottom line is, Honda totally deserves props for figuring out how to overcome Curse of the Minivan Long Butt and Saggy Front End, no plastic surgery necessary. If only it were that easy in real life…

How To Be a Tornado Relief Hero By Using Social Media.

May 3, 2011November 12, 2013 Rachel Callahan Actually Possibly Informational, I Love Birmingham, On a more serious note. . ., Tornadoes

We all know that in the past, disaster relief has been a disaster. Katrina, Ivan, the Oil Spills – they’ve all been a nightmare of unhelpful help. There’s administration. And paperwork. And too many people wanting to help with not enough people being able to point them in a direction. And politics – different relief agencies don’t always want to work together to unify efforts, nor do the different news agencies.

But this time, it’s different – not because all of those complicating factors are gone, but because of social media.

Twitter is changing the world.

(Facebook is helping it, but Twitter is REALLY changing the world.)

I know that Twitter can be confusing and overwhelming, but it is so powerful that it is worth the effort to learn the basics. Plus, I have some quick and easy links at the bottom of this post to help you utilize it’s power without even having to create an account.

This tornado event is the first large-scale American disaster since the exponential adoption of social media (i.e. – more that “just us geeks” are now using Twitter and Facebook), and it is amazing to see how quickly, efficiently, and specifically it is helping to meet the needs of those that are hurting.

I believe that Twitter alone is more efficient in meeting immediate, specific needs than every aid agency in this town.

For example (and I use this not to pat my husband on the back, but to illustrate how unbelievably powerful Twitter can be):

Chris had three hours available on Sunday with which he wanted to help in the tornado relief. Instead of blindly showing up in a disaster area and being told to leave (which is happening to many people), or calling an already overwhelmed aid agency that might or might not be able to point him the right direction, he checked twitter.

Two clicks – He checked the #WeAreAlabama hashtag and @Spann’s feed. (If that made no sense, don’t worry – I’ll explain all that in a minute.)

He read the following tweet that had been sent seconds before: “Buckets and Sunblock needed IMMEDIATELY at Concord Baptist Church.”

So Chris drove to Wal-Mart, bought buckets and sunblock, drove to Concord Baptist Church, and dropped them off.

Less than two hours after they made their specific need known.

There are dozens, if not hundreds of these specific needs being made every day on Twitter and Facebook.

This is amazing, this is powerful, and we all can take part in meeting these specific needs.

Please don’t misunderstand me – I am not at all anti-agency. I am planning on helping out at the Christian Service Mission later this week. If you have an agency that you’re working with and they’re utilizing you, by all means – keep on. But if you can’t find where to help and you want to do something meaningful and specific that you KNOW will make a difference, use social media.

A bit of Twitter Education:

A username starts with an @ symbol. I am @ObjectivityRach and @AlabamaBloggers. You can simply click those links to see what I tweet – you don’t have to even create a twitter account.

A hashtag is a search term. #WeAreAlabama is a hashtag that many people are using when offering help and stating needs. You can also search for that hashtag on Twitter without setting up a twitter account.

Here are some great links, both Twitter and Facebook, where you can find real time needs for specific material goods and services needed during this disaster, as well as find people offering help and give goods.

James Spann’s Tweet Stream – our infamous meteorologist is doing an amazingly fabulous job of tweeting and retweeting information about the needs of this storm. In my opinion, He should win a Humanitarian Nobel Peace Prize for what he’s already done for our state.

We Are Alabama Tweet Stream – This is a Twitter account created to disseminate needs and offers to help for Tornado Relief

#WeAreAlabama Hash Tag – Many people are using this to get needs known.

James Spann’s Facebook Page – James is also updating here, and letting anyone write needs or offers. Make sure it’s his fan page, not his personal page – the link above is the correct one.

Toomers for Tuscaloosa Facebook Page – This group was started by Auburn fans to help Tuscaloosa – they are doing a great job of helping and getting help.

Hope for Hackleburg Facebook Page – Hackleburg is a small town in Alabama that was hit by an EF-5 tornado that literally lost everything – houses, cars, industry, churches, infrastructure – everything.

UA Greek Relief Facebook Page

The Twitter search term #ALNeeds is a great place to find specific material and volunteer needs, and the search term #ALHaves is a great place to ask where to take specific donations or where to volunteer in specific places.

Blazers for Birmingham – on Facebook and Twitter

Hands on Birmingham’s Event Pages have opportunities to volunteer listed.

**You can also search for specific needs by going to www.twitter.com and typing them in the search box. For instance, if you want to volunteer in Brookwood, type in “Brookwood Volunteer”. You’re likely to find some very helpful information.

**** I will be adding to this list as I find more reputable sources – please let me know of any and I will add yours as well. ****

A couple of notes:

– Try to pick needs that you can fulfill by going to places that are churches or disaster relief centers if at all possible – it’s safer, and you know you can find the location. However, there are many unreached small communities in our state that have no one helping them – they need our help, too.

– Make sure the person that you are taking the information from seems credible.

– If you want to be able to take material goods but don’t have the funds to buy it, check with some local agencies and see if they will let you deliver their goods to meet these specific needs. I know that the Christian Service Mission was doing this early on, but I’m not sure if they still are.

– If you are out of state and want to meet specific needs, the Christian Service Mission has set up an Amazon wish list that you can order off of and have it sent directly to them!

– I have set up a Charitable Paypal fund, Mommies helping Mommies – that all proceeds will go directly to buying formula, food, and diapers for families in the smaller communities without as much publicity/help. I will personally deliver the items to these communities. There is no overhead cost (I’m personally paying the Paypal fees), no agency, no expenses – just a desperate attempt to keep further tragedy from happening as a result of these storms.

And if all else fails, contact me and I will help you. My Mom called as I was writing this post – she was at Wal-Mart, and asked me to look on Twitter and find a specific need that she could fill. I asked her what area she could deliver to, she told me, I searched using the links above, and I gave her a specific list of things to buy and a church dropoff location within 3 minutes. It’s that easy. This works the same way if you have tornado relief related needs – let me know and I will get it into all of the right tweet streams for you.

Social Media is not just a game anymore. It IS changing the world.

Pointless Parenting.

May 2, 2011May 1, 2011 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, Just My Luck, Newbornities, Parent of the Year

There are moments in every parent’s job that they wonder what good their efforts are producing. How any positive impact could possibly come from all of their hard work.

…Trying to logically reason with a teenage girl, for instance.

(Sorry, Mom.)

…Or perhaps trying to convince a ridiculously cautious four year old to try something – ANYTHING – new.

…Or, in this case, the first week of teaching the art of eating.

Seriously, son.

I’ll take the utter rejection as a compliment – food, apparently, tastes horrible compared to the Nectar of Goodness that I create.

But really?? Must every molecule of every bite be deposited onto your bib?

Not that I was surprised by this behavior – your sister was quite the expert food-rejecter as well.

…But her faces weren’t nearly as entertaining as yours.

Also? Your ability to splatter paint yourself – quite impressive for a guy your age.

I know, I know – the first week of real food is rough.

But the second week?

Not one tiny bit better.

Ali witnessed this gross injustice against your bib, your food, and your mother, and she decided to go a different route with the feeding of her baby.

“I’m just going to feed my baby from my chest, okay?”

And I think she’s onto something.

My “How to Help” Recommendations.

April 29, 2011November 12, 2013 Rachel Callahan Actually Possibly Informational, I Love Birmingham, On a more serious note. . ., Tornadoes

I’m going to go back to “normal” blogging next week, although I’ll still be, I’m sure, in tornado-mindset personally.

However, many of you have asked how you can help, so I wanted to compile a list of a few easy ways to help the many hurting people of our state.

But first, here is a stunning view of some of the damage by the biggest of the tornadoes. This video shows part of the damage in Tuscaloosa (where the University of Alabama is located and we attend football games), and the damage between Tuscaloosa and Birmingham:

This tornado alone travelled over 300 miles with a 1.5 to 2 mile wide damage path. The video just shows a sampling of the devastation. It shocks me every time I see it.

Please don’t feel like I am pushing you to donate at all – there are so many needs in our world right now, and our state is not the only one hurting from these tornadoes. However, I did want to provide this information for the people who have asked for it.

There are hundreds of relief efforts and programs set up and dozens of listings of said opportunities, so I obviously can’t list them all and don’t want to be redundant. Instead, I’m listing very few, but focusing on ones that I personally know are trustworthy. I have a few locally based options that can vouch for their integrity, and a couple of trusted national options if you’d rather go that route.

Local Options:

1. My church, Shades Mountain Independent Church, is partnering with an organization we often work with, Mission Birmingham, to help with relief efforts. We are collecting items for the people so severely impacted by the storm (clothing, water, diapers, food, toiletries – basically any items for immediate needs), and also are channeling monetary donations under the “Tornado Relief Fund” category directly to Mission Birmingham’s tornado relief efforts.

Mission Birmingham is a locally based, smaller operation, so I feel that they are able to more efficiently and quickly use funds donated to meet immediate needs than some of the larger, more bureaucratic aid organizations.

If you have items that you’d like to donate, you can drop them off at SMIC or mail them to me and I will drop them off – just ask me for my address.

2. The three families that I mentioned that Ali and I helped yesterday are in desperate need, as well as their neighborhood in general (of which there is nothing left). One of the families has 13 children, and their father was killed after throwing himself on top of the family to save their lives. Many of the children were injured as well. I don’t know this family personally, but I know many people who do know them very well – I’ve been constantly seeing updates about them via my friends on Facebook. Lora Lynn at Vitafamiliae talks more about these wonderful families, as well as this post.

These families need everything, as they’ve lost everything. If you have items you’d like to donate, I’ll get them to them for you. Or to monetarily donate directly via Paypal to a fund set up by two local churches for the people of the community, you can click on the “Donate Now” button below:

If you’re local/semi-local and want to volunteer or give items:

1. The Christian Service Mission needs volunteers to sort and organize donated items, help prepare and serve meals in the areas hardest hit, and assist in clean up efforts. If you would like to volunteer your time in any of these areas, email tracy@csmission.org or call (205) 252-9906.

2. There are MANY drop-off locations for all products to meet immediate needs. As I said, my church is one, and BirminghamMommy.com has many more listed as well.

If you’d rather give to a national aid organization:

1. You can donate $10 to The Salvation Army tornado disaster fund by texting GIVE to 80888.

2. You can donate $10 to Red Cross by texting REDCROSS to 90999 or going to their donation page.

Feel free to ask me if you have any questions or would like any more specific details – I’d be glad to help!

The Aftermath.

April 28, 2011November 12, 2013 Rachel Callahan I Love Birmingham, On a more serious note. . ., Tornadoes

First of all, thank you SO MUCH for all of your thoughts and prayers last night. We had no power, no television, no phone service on our home phone or cell phones, but we could get spotty Twitter, Facebook, and email on our phones, and it was really wonderful to be able to focus my nervous energy into reading your sweet comments, emails, and tweets while we waited.

We spent about three hours in the basement last night, and those three hours ranked in the top 3 most intense times in my life.

God was graceful, though, and Ali seemed completely oblivious to mine and Chris’ nervousness and horrified reactions to the news we were hearing on the radio. I’m not sure how, because she usually picks up on every emotion and intonation, but she was able to happily eat, play, and read while we paced, listened, and prayed.

Although we had no further damage last night, I am beyond heartbroken by what has happened to Birmingham, Tuscaloosa, Cullman, and to other cities in and around Alabama.

Here are the three major tornado touchdowns that hit our state yesterday (out of over 160 total tornadoes yesterday):

The Cullman tornado was the first large hit that our state took:

Soon after, an even larger tornado decimated parts of Tuscaloosa:

The debris that was picked up in Tuscaloosa fell out of the skies for over 100 miles.

Yet the Tuscaloosa tornado grew in size and nastiness and traveled over 50 miles to hit Birmingham:

If you know our downtown area and skyline, you can imagine how gigantic that storm was.

If you have caught any news, I’m sure you’ve seen some of these photos, but the damage is nightmarish…

Tuscaloosa …

Concord, outside of Birmingham:

Gardendale, suburb of Birmingham:

Photos from around Birmingham:

(Photos from al.com, weather.com, and Twitter.)

There have been so many times in the past 24 hours that I’ve gotten choked up about the intense pain being felt in our city.

This morning on Twitter, someone posted a birth announcement photo of their beautiful newborn baby that was missing and they were searching desperately for.

That could have been Noah.

Others are trying to find their children, begging people to let them know of any news about them.

That could have been Ali.

It’s so close, so real, and so painful.

Although I was glad that Ali was oblivious last night during the unknown, this morning I wanted her to understand and desire to help those that are hurting.

We packed a bunch of clothes, toiletries, bottles, formula, and other items and took them to a Lora Lynn, a blog friend who was collecting for three families that lost everything, including one of the families’ Fathers.

Ali and I talked about them, prayed for them, and hopefully helped them.

Later, we were watching the news (we got our power back today around lunchtime), and Ali was listening to an interview with one of the tornado victims. After she finished talking, Ali asked..

“That girl said she was looking for her sister. Why is she looking for her sister? Did the tornado suck her up?”

It took me a minute to choke back tears before I could answer her.

“I don’t know – it might have.”

And then, with a loving and trusting voice, she said,

“If you were sucked up in the tornado with me, I wouldn’t be scared.”

Hug your children.

Kiss your children.

And thank God for your children’s safety today.

Alabama

April 27, 2011November 12, 2013 Rachel Callahan I Love Birmingham, On a more serious note. . ., Tornadoes

** Update: we’re okay but the damage to the state is devastating. I don’t ever remember tornadoes hitting three major metropolitan areas in one day. I’ll share more when we get our power back, whenever that may be. Cell phones also aren’t working so if you’re in Alabama, let me know you’re okay, too!
***

If you’re elsewhere, our state is in need of your prayers tonight (we’re already all praying!).

We’re in the middle of the worst group of tornadoes in 30 years. There have been many separate ones already, two of which have already hit and severely damaged two of our good-sized cities – Cullman and Tuscaloosa – and at least one tornado will be in our biggest city (my city), Birmingham, within an hour. And they’re just getting started.

Although the tornadoes just arrived this afternoon, we had 80 mph straight-line winds early this morning that caused a lot of damage in my suburb and others. We’ve not had power since 6am (I’m typing on my phone), and we have a log-sized branch speared all the way through our porch roof a foot from our bedroom window from this morning’s winds.

But our damage (so far) is nothing compared to others in our state – many people’s houses have been completely destroyed. The pictures are insane – I’ve never seen tornadoes like this before.

Tornadoes are just a part of living in Alabama – they’ve never bothered me before – but these are horrifying.

We’re camping in the basement for now, which Ali finds to be super-fun.

Thank you for your prayers!!

Belief System Status: In Peril.

April 25, 2011December 3, 2011 Rachel Callahan I'm a Glutton for Adventure, Survey Says. . .

I have never made my personal distaste for the minivan a secret. Nor have I hidden the fact that I desperately long to be able to take advantage of the awesome minivan superpowers – just without the sinking feeling that driving a minivan would inevitably cause in my soul.

When we added Noah to our family, my desire for an easier-to-use vehicle became even more intense. As much as I liked my Honda Pilot, getting two kids + infant seat + kid stuff + groceries + myself in and out was beginning to age me faster than driving a minivan would. And the heavier he gets, the more painful it gets – my poor shoulders need a massage every single night.

The closest solution I’ve found to what I really want, which is the mythical and as-yet-non-existent SUVan – was, as I shared last year, the Ford Flex.

(Which almost every one of you hated with the same amount of passion that I despise the minivan.)

I believe you all used words like “Box on Wheels” and “Stationwagon” – but you that’s just because you’re not seeing it’s British Characteristics. It’s totally the Mini Cooper’s Baby Daddy – a Maxi Cooper.

Also? Because of the Kia Soul commercials with the Hamsters car-dancing in the boxy little Kia, every time Chris and I sit in the also boxy Flex, we simultaneously begin bobbing our heads rhythmically and imagining that we’re hamsters with an odd resemblance to Eminem.

And really, who doesn’t want to pretend to be a rapping hamster?

But my love for the Flex came with three unconquerable problems:

1 They’re a Ford. And I’m a Honda girl. Or at least Toyota. Maybe even Nissan. But NOT Ford.

2. As I said, everyone hates them but me. Which means that there are very, VERY few used ones available.

3. They just came out in 2009 and are ludicrously expensive, so even buying a used one was way more than I wanted to pay.

So the Flex got shelved in my “impossible” file.

And after I resigned myself to the death of a dream, I resumed my whining on Twitter for Honda to make a true SUVan.

And because of my incessant whininess, the one and only Serra Honda Man himself issued me a challenge.

Who is the Serra Honda Man?

Here’s an introduction – and if your curiosity is killing you after the first installment, many more episodes can be found on YouTube.

I would say I know him in real life, but that wouldn’t be accurate. Like Spiderman, he keeps a low profile when in superhero form. But I DO know his altar ego – who happens to be the General Manager of the same Serra Honda.

At any rate, he issued me a challenge: drive a 2011 Honda Odyssey for THREE DAYS and still be able to honestly say that minivans make me feel old.

Although I feared that my core beliefs about life might be shattered, I accepted his offer. And so, I will be driving a brand new, with that awesome new-car-smell, 2011 Honda Odyssey from Wednesday through Saturday.

And then I will tell you what happens to my grasp of reality – if anything.

Will I stand behind my firm beliefs in the need for an SUVan and hatred of the minivan?

Or will I crumble to the temptation of magical sliding doors and kid-helpful minivan superpowers?

Will the Odyssey make me feel like a Hamster with Rhythm too?

Or will it make me instantaneously age by 10 years as I’ve always feared?

Chris says I’m totally going to get spoiled rotten.

What do you say?

Disclaimer: This is not a review, a promotion, or an advertisement for Honda, Serra Honda, rapping hamsters, Ford Flexes, or even the Serra Honda Man himself. I am not being compensated in any way, but am simply risking my understanding of life in the name of science and blogging.

Lessons Learned: Easter With Kids.

April 25, 2011April 25, 2011 Rachel Callahan I would NEVER take too many pictures. . ., Kids: The Experience., The Blissfulness of Life

1. If one allows one’s four year old to pick out her own Easter dress, one may end up with an insanely manic mixture of tulle, glitter, ribbons, bows, flowers, and polka dots.

In fact, it was The Ultimate Anti-Smock.

(Sorry, Mom.)

2. If one aspires to photograph four cousins four years old and under, one will have to take dozens of photos to get one semi-all-looking-in-the-same-direction-and-not-sticking-out-any-tongues-or-slapping-each-other-accidentally shot…

But one will most likely, in the end, find more pleasure in the outtakes.

“Tessa’s B.O.”

“Pick Out the Future Cheerleader”

And, my personal favorite,

“Noah’s Indignation at Tessa’s Hand.”

3. If one is overcome with Mommy-guilt at just not getting around to making the whole Easter Egg dying thing happen one year, one can placate one’s guilt (and thrill one’s child) by simply making chalk eggs together instead.

In fact, chalk eggs are a lot less messy than dyed ones.

And quicker.

And easier to find on an Easter Egg Hunt.

And don’t reek when they rot.

We may have a new Easter tradition.

4. A lot can change in a year…

2010:

2011:

Especially if, on that very 2010 Easter weekend, one conceives an addition to their family.

…which, incidentally, is exactly what happened on Easter Weekend 2006.

A 2011 sequel is NOT in the plans.

Glory.

April 22, 2011April 22, 2011 Rachel Callahan Uncategorized

I’ll be back next week with more pointless posts and inane meanderings, but this weekend I’m excited about focusing on the Resurrection. In so doing, I thought I would share what I’ll be listening to with you – just hit the little triangle thingies if you’d like to listen along…

Alas Alas

It is Finished It Is Finished

Were You There Were You There-

There is a Fountain Filled with Blood There is a Fountain Filled with Blood
May you have a glorious weekend!

* All songs by Red Mountain Music.

The Post that Proves I am an Idiot.

April 21, 2011April 21, 2011 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, I embarrass myself just for your amusement., I'm a Glutton for Adventure, Parent of the Year, Weird Strange and True

We went on a walk Tuesday night in our suburban neighborhood. As we were coming down a hill about a block from home, Ali suddenly stopped walking and silently stared at the ground in front of her.

A snake!

(That exclamation point was in excitement, not fear.)

I happen to be completely fascinated by snakes. What other animal can you let wrap around your arm? And who doesn’t like a bracelet that gives you a massage while you walk?

(I once found a much smaller snake at the beach and played with her all weekend. I even named her – Greta. She had this adorable little broken and off-centered jaw that made her look just like Greta Van Susteren’s long-lost-identical-twin-snake.)

But this snake was much bigger than ones I’d picked up in the wild before – about two feet long, and thicker than Noah’s arm. Just because I like snakes doesn’t mean they don’t frighten me a bit also – they’re kinda like the thrill from a scary Roller Coaster.

We praised Ali for what a perfect response she had to the snake – to calmly stop, not panicking and not getting too close to him. Then we talked about his pretty stripes, and how he wiggled when he crawled.

Chris then took Ali and Noah to the far side of the street (he’s not as fond of them as I), and found a ridiculously long stick and offered it to me.

“Do you want to play with him? But this stick isn’t big enough to pick him up with…”

(Apparently he thought I was braver than I actually am – I had NO intentions of picking up that snake – he was too big, had his head cocked up at a threatening-looking angle, and I wasn’t SURE of his non-venomousness.)

But I took that 15 foot long branch and petted him with it to not look like a wuss in front of my husband show Ali how he moved around.

Until he hissed, jumped, and snapped at me.

Then I was done.

We walked on down the street and saw our Neighborhood-Expert-Neighbor. He is the epitome of neighborhood knowledge. He can tell you which former resident had gout in 1985, or he can teach you how to make wine from the indigenous neighborhood muscadines.

We asked him if he wanted a new pet, and told him there was a snake in the road in front of his next door neighbor’s house. He asked me for more details…

“What kind was it?”

(I could see in his eyes that my friend was in danger…)

“I don’t know – but he looked harmless enough.”

“What color was he?”

“Brown. But I really think he was nice!”

“Brown?? Sounds like a Copperhead!! I have grandkids that come here, you know!”

He ran up the hill, and next thing we knew, he was beating the ground fiercely with his walking stick as we saw a tail violently and repeatedly fly into the air.

He yelled back, “It was a Copperhead!!! And a big one all right!!”

What kind of moron AM I?!?!?!

I don’t know what I had expected a venomous snake to look like…

This maybe?

Or perhaps this?

My mind headed into panic mode…

I played with a COPPERHEAD?!?! I am SO stupid. Stupid stupid stupid. I am the stupidest stupid on the face of the planet.

What if Ali hadn’t seen him and had stepped on him and he had bitten her?

What if Chris had run over him with the stroller and he’d jumped in it and bitten Noah?

What if he had crawled up my fifteen foot branch and had bitten me?

How long would I have to not nurse Noah if I’d been bitten by a venomous snake?

Does venom pass through breast milk?

Pumping and throwing away breast milk is the worst atrocity the world has ever known.

Is that neighbor going to put me down in the Neighborhood History Books as “The one who tried to get my grandchildren bitten by a Copperhead”?

Why didn’t that stupid snake warn me?? Oh yeah – he did snap at me.

I told Chris about my panic-stricken thoughts. He shrugged and said, “Eh. It didn’t happen – so why worry? There’s no way Ali wouldn’t have seen it. And if you’d gotten bitten, well, I’m sure that the ERs around here have PLENTY of Alabama Copperhead antidote, and I’ve taken you to the ER several times with one kid in tow, why not with two kids in tow?”

Thanks, babe.

(And he’s supposed to be the paranoid half of our marriage.)

One thing is for sure, though. My innocent and fascinated relationship with the belly-crawlers has been tainted forever. I fear that I might…just possibly…need to completely reconsider my position on snakes.