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Parenthood 2.1

May 9, 2013November 3, 2013 Rachel Callahan Pop Post, Rachel's "Brilliant" Marketing Ideas, Toddlers: The Experience, Utter Silliness

Dear Tech Support,

I have recently upgraded my software to Boy Child 2.5. Although in general, this new version is very visually pleasing and much less taxing on The Motherboard, I have noticed some bugs and issues, and was hoping you could advise me on how to work around them since you were so helpful with version 1.0.

The most significant problem I’ve run into is in Sleep and Hibernate modes. I bought the Ultimate Premium Deluxe version of Boy Child so that these modes would run at their highest efficiency, and up until this upgrade, they have run exquisitely. However, I am now experiencing multiple episodes of the Blue Scream of Death when I try to place the program into Hibernate or Sleep mode. Do you recommend allowing it to reboot on it’s own, or should I do a hard reset? Are there any plug-ins that can be run simultaneously to solve this problem, such as Benadryl 2.5, Melatonin 4.6, or Sledge Hammer 1.8?

Secondly, I read in the system specifications that Boy Child 2.5 is designed to run congruously with Potty Training 1.0. However, every time I click on the Big Boy Potty icon, the system develops a high-pitched hum, and I have to ctrl-alt-change-the-subject to silence it. Also, the Dry Overnight script has not self-activated, and it is my understanding that Potty Training 1.0 works best when this is functioning. Do you suggest that I wait to install Potty Training 1.0 until the release of Boy Child 3.0? Because I would really love that, even though I might get scoffed in the Motherboard User Forums.

Thirdly, I am severely underwhelmed with the amount of intake apps that are compatible with this version. Chicken Crush, Angry Fries, and Bad Gummies are pretty much the only ones that launch successfully. I get an unhandled exception when I try to install Soup With Friends, and a run time error when I attempt to open iMilk, regardless of whether it’s the lite or full version.

Next, I appreciate that some functions that were previously manually performed are now built into Boy Child 2.5, such as the Hand Washing Function, The Stairs Function, the Spoon and Fork Toolbar, The Fetch Stuff Function, and a very valuable built-in safety lock to keep the Eject Function from activating during a System Clean. However, it would really be great if you could build in automatic prompts for the Dress Function, Clean Up Function, and The Wipe Nose Function (without using the Sleeve Plug-In.)

Also, it would be amazing if you could add some system defaults to prevent unnecessary actions such as licking the ground in public places (or private, for that matter), throwing things down the stairs that are loud enough to sound like a small human and therefore cause a Motherboard Power Surge, and add a fear subroutine to disable the motor skills interface right before it attempts to dive out of a shopping cart.

In addition, I am highly impressed with the significant upgrade in Boy Child 2.5’s Word Processing skills. HOWEVER. This version seems to be hacking into every other program’s database and picking up key phrases and spitting them out at the most inopportune times. Is there any way to modify the dictionary to be a read-only list of words? Also, it seems like a coding error has caused an infinite loop that continues until the data request is satisfied, which causes a stack overflow on the Family Server. Could the next version simply enter it’s request at the command prompt and then wait for a response?

Also, Boy Child 2.5 doesn’t minimize well at all. It continues to clog up the Motherboard with constant pings when other programs are running in the foreground. I have found this to happen most often when running School K.5, Cooking 5.6, and Cleaning 8.9.

I’ve been surprised that considering Boy Child 2.5 runs on an MOS (Male Operating System), the performance of the program is significantly affected by the template chosen for that day. It runs best when in the template of pajamas, firetrucks, and cars. It hates any template consisting of overalls or solid colors. It would have been nice to know this limitation on the front side when I bought my templates for the year.

But I don’t mean to just complain – I wanted to compliment you on the mobile version of Boy Child 2.5 – it is infinitely better and actually enjoyable! It used to have a significant whine anytime I tried to run it, but it now performs flawlessly, and with the added bonus of a director’s commentary on all other passing traffic. I am also thrilled with the cross-program integration between Boy Child 2.5 and Girl Child 6.5. The seamless communication between these two versions is a work of art, and has caused a significant decrease in system-wide crashes. However, I do sometimes get concerned with how well they are integrated. If I didn’t know better, I’d think the two programs were capable of conspiring against me.

But of course, that’s silly talk.

Thank you for any help you can give me on the above issues.

Sincerely,

The Motherboard.

There’s No Place Like Home.

May 2, 2013February 17, 2014 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, Chris, Guest Post, I Love Birmingham, The Blissfulness of Life

This is another guest post by Chris the Husband, Contributing Editor and all around good guy.

I don’t know a ton about cars. Or racing. But I hear that we have a super cool race track here in Birmingham. Barber Motorsports Park has a giant motorcycle museum, a road course, and tons or beautiful scenery. I highly recommend a visit.

On a recent Saturday, I took my 2 young adventurers to meet their Pop for a morning soaking up the ambiance of the Indy race weekend. The little one was in heaven. Everything with a motor – wheels, sirens, wings, etc. was seen and admired.

The lovely one, however, was bored out of her six year old mind. But she wanted to come along, so fun was going to be had.

See! Fun, right?

Noah couldn’t get enough of it.

Ali, not so much. I’m sure these will be treasured memories.

I swear, this was not a posed photo.

Sitting down for a rest and a snack was the highlight of the day for all.

They really pull out all the stops for Indy weekend, with a fair area that included – and I’m being totally serious here – THE ferris wheel from Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch.

Grandstand climbing is also a featured activity.

Eventually, you do have to talk your little people into letting you put foam earplugs in their ears, because race cars, although really cool, are a lot louder than you think they will be, or want them to be.

But it was an absolutely glorious day.

After awhile, even my motorsports enthusiast was close to a breakdown, so we bailed on Barber’s and headed home for naptime.

After completing a morning of Superdad activity, I headed off for my alone time, which is pretty much always running.

I’ve documented some of my best runs, like San Diego, New York, Lake Saluda, and the Mercedes Half-Marathon, but I’ve never done my typical once-a-week local Birmingham route, which has been tried, tested, analyzed with apps for distance and elevation, and optimized in general to take in some of the best scenery available in town while maximizing trails & sidewalks and minimizing flirting with disaster on the shoulder of the road.

This route has a few variations, from 8-10 miles, and would be great for a 2 hour walk-and-talk if running wasn’t in your fun zone. I’m a pretty slow runner, and sometimes I have to turn it up to blow past the mall-walkers like I think I should. Anyway, it starts and ends at Robert Jemison Park, a common place for walking and running in the ‘Ham.

You get the trail & nature start, just to feel the breath of fresh air and the crunch of earth under your feet.

It quickly turns into sidewalks and up a hill and through pleasant neighborhoods full of more professional landscaping.

The first village (Crestline) takes you past a few open restaurants with sidewalk tables and happy eaters to remind you that they are doing the opposite of what you’re doing. This should make you feel good. Somehow.

There’s a lot of running water around Birmingham, so you can usually find a creek to look at if you need to stop for a minute and gasp for air.

After a potentially brutal hill or two you are rewarded with one of our city’s more quirky landmarks, (no offense to bare-bottomed statues of mythological dudes.) A large graffiti-painted piece of artillery…

…pointed at the city…

…theoretically unloaded.

You catch a few glimpses of the downtown skyline along the way, and work your way through older, even nicer neighborhoods, again with professional landscaping.

This neighborhood provides a peek into Birmingham’s distant past, into homes built by turn-of-the-century iron & steel barons, scary looking dudes whose portraits hang in local attractions and name the roads & parks.

At the top of the mountain, you get the best view in town, at an elevation 330 feet higher than where you started. Luckily, its all downhill from here.

Another village (English) includes more happy sidewalk eaters, and a frozen yogurt place that hasn’t yet lured me in mid-run, but there will be a day.

Creative yard art is a hallmark of the modern south, but demanding yard art – well, that’s just awesome. Note to self, go before you run.

I end up going through the Birmingham Botanical Gardens, the most professional of professional landscaping, which brings some of the variableness to the distance. If you aren’t in a hurry or worn out yet, there are myriads of trail options to make loops around the gardens. (Bonus: a public restroom and water fountain.) This spot, in the center of the rose garden, is always inspirational to me. Something about the form of the figure on top is lighthearted and free, the way running feels when it feels like you want it to feel.

Certain seasons of the year bring hordes of well-dressed, camera toting people to the gardens. Springtime provides a flood of wedding parties, fully-loaded prom limos, Easter children, and fussy toddlers all photobombing one another. Good times.

One more village (Mountain Brook), one more ice cream shop, and one local pizza parlor that will knock you down with airborne butter if you happen to run by when the door is open. But I like the charm of it all.

Past the last wafting elegant odor of the cigar shop, the trails pick back up, and you are almost back.

One more stretch of sidewalk…

One more creek view…

One more beautiful old house…

One more Birmingham landmark (this is an actual occupied privately owned residential dwelling, with rotating water wheel)…

And one unique foot bridge, that only once I have found impassable to due high rushing water.

So there you go. I’m certain that reading about running 9 miles burns at least half the calories of actually running 9 miles, so go enjoy a treat!

If you’re interested in the exact route, here is one variation, but feel free to ask for more details.

The One That Hooked Me.

February 6, 2013February 6, 2013 Rachel Callahan Homeschooling: Not just for the socially awkward anymore., I embarrass myself just for your amusement.

I have been impervious to temptation until now.

I bought Ali an iPad a year and a half ago, mainly to use for the purposes of school. As such, we have bought dozens of school and play apps. I have studied them, reviewed them, reviewed them again, and added and deleted as I saw fit.

But I never once got addicted. I was even surprised how little I personally desired to use her iPad.

Sure, I had games on my phone that I played for short spurts. Angry Birds, Bejeweled, and so on. But even those did not rule me. They did not force me to claw at my phone with the obsession of One Ring That Rules All.

But this game. Oh, this game has done it.

It’s free.

It’s clearly for kids.

And it’s hooked me to the point of dreaming about it. Multiple nights in a row.

Oh yeah – and it’s a Fairy Game.

(I know. I am fully aware at how shameful this admission should be for me.)

We downloaded it a couple of weeks ago as a reward for Ali letting me pull her second tooth.

(Between The Lines: I agreed to get her a new game out of my guilt from coming home from a weekend of Mommy Vacation and immediately insisting that she let me pull her tooth amidst much protestations on her part. Also, I might have had a slight measure of extra guilt about the fact that I REALLY enjoy pulling her teeth. Have I mentioned that already? Do you have any loose-toothed-kids lying around that you want to send over?)

Back to the game. Being the analytical person that I am, I’ve studied the root cause of my addiction. The game brings back my childhood and blends it with my present. It has the RPG aspects of my favorite Nintendo game, Dragon Warrior, combined with the fashion design angle of my second favorite TV show, Project Runway.

(Which, as an aside for all of you loyal Project Runway watchers – have you noticed that This Season’s contestant, Daniel Esquivel, looks like he should be Casanova’s Weird Drunk Uncle?)

Back to the game again.

It has levels.

It has points.

It has pretty clothes.

It has pretty colors.

It has goals.

It makes you wait, thereby increasing anticipation.

It has ways to get more points by checking in every five minutes or so, thereby keeping your mind on the game. No matter what you’re doing in real life.

And it has much affirmation.

The first day after downloading the game onto Ali’s iPad, I declared it a “School Game,” because it was teaching Ali all sorts of great skills, like reading quickly, memorization, managing orders, profitability, and time management.

(Declaring it a School Game meant that we could play it as a part of our School Day. Which was helpful, since I couldn’t exactly…quit.)

The second day after downloading it onto Ali’s iPad, I grabbed it as soon as we got her in bed and began playing endlessly by myself.

I even [Shameful Admission #1] made an in-app purchase.

That’s right. I bought $1.99 worth of diamonds so that I could force my insect servants to sew clothes faster.

I detested myself.

But not for the in-app purchase – for the fact that I then needed more fabric. But I couldn’t justify another purchase.

So I had to wait, anxiously watching my tiny creatures sew their tentacles to the bone.

The third day after downloading it onto Ali’s iPad, I downloaded it onto my phone and began my own game.

EVEN THOUGH it meant starting from the beginning.

I even [Shameful Admission #2] updated the progress of my game in the car. And during dinner. And right now as I’m typing this blog post.

Although I enjoyed starting over with all of the proper knowledge and strategy of how best to save my pixie dust and diamonds and carefully use my fabric, I took pride in the fact that I did not and had not made any in-app purchases.

Nosiree. I was determined to play honest this time.

Even if I did wake up in the middle of the night to update my progress.

Until I [Shameful Admission #3] earned the right to have an honorable number of ten mannequins – and I couldn’t just leave them there, all naked and all!! So I bought $1.99 worth of my own diamonds – to hurry the process to clothe my shameful mannequins.

In my defense, I would like to point out that both of my purchases were at the lowest of tiers of possible purchases:

And I would also like to say that although spending $1.99 to make a game go faster is, perhaps, worthy of scorn and detestation, whatever developer chose to offer that $99.99 option is more evil than Mila, Laura Kathleen, Joshua, Bert and Ivy combined.

…and is a really good reason that you should never share your iTunes password with your child.

Or with me.

I am ObjectivityRach in the iPhone Game Center if you want to visit my boutique and gawk at my ridiculous obsession. But beware – it’s contagious.

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