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The Emperor’s New Mom Jeans.

May 9, 2014May 8, 2014 Rachel Callahan Actually Possibly Informational, Denim Drama, HauteLook, Shopping: A Girl's Best Friend, Uncategorized

I wrote my first jeans post in 2009 – more as a humor piece than fashion statement, but it did have some valid advice. I readily admit that some of the information in that post is outdated, no longer accurately expresses my opinion about certain items (such as skinny jeans), and that certain items have actually gotten much more stylishly cut since the publishing of that article (again, such as skinny jeans.) Even my more popular 2012 post, which is still traveling circles around the internet, has some outdated information that I sometimes have to apologize for.

However.

I hereby swear to you with one virtual hand on Bible Gateway that there is one issue I will never waiver on, regardless of the winds of change, regardless of the pressures of society.

Long Butt is NOT okay. Nor is it ever necessary.

I spent over 2,000 words proving that Long Butt is a side effect of bad jeans, not actually of a literal long butt. And now fashion is trying to convince us that Mom Jeans and therefore Long Butts are “coming back in style” – I get sent at least one article a week stating this, always shared with me from some horrified soul.

Do not believe the hype.

Do not fall victim to the advertisements.

We must stand.

We must fight.

We must not falter.

Our butts are depending on us. And our daughter’s butts after us. And their daughter’s butts after them.

But sometimes, the attacks are so ridiculous they’re fantastic. Which is what I bring you today.

A high-end New York-based store, going by the name “What Goes Around Comes Around,” is taking vintage Levi’s (of the old-style Mom-Jeans variety), dyeing them, sometimes cutting them off, and then selling them. for over two hundred dollars.

I mean at least pull out the model’s wedgie before taking the photo.

I became aware of this line through my go-to jeans app, HauteLook, who desperately tried to accessorize-up these frightening creations to help the sale-job they were trying to make.

Three-foot zipper…check.

Leg openings big enough for four…check.

Fringe that looks like you might have been involved in a heavy machinery accident…check.

Photo-shopping the model’s belly-button up a foot or two…check.

Sometimes they didn’t even bother to dye the material a cool color. This pair came straight out of my brother’s 1988 closet. AND ONE LEG IS SIGNIFICANTLY LONGER THAN THE OTHER.

Two hundred dollars, people.

Two. Hundred. Dollars.

You can tell the above tortured denim was originally a male pair of jeans because it doesn’t have the horrific elbow-pocket that Levi’s always felt the need to add to ladies’ jeans – you know, because we do love a good, wide hipline. Like this jewel.

And there’s nothing that says “I lost my butt in a fight with the neighbor’s dog” like wearing your Dad’s jeans from 1995.

Or 1984.

So clearly this is an exaggerated example. And no, not all Levi’s (or even men’s jeans on women) are bad.

All I ask that you take away from this is:

1. Not every trend is a good one – don’t believe all fashion hype, and especially not name brand designers and stores – sometimes they smoke crack.
2. Avoid elbow-pocket. And airport-hangar leg openings.
3. If you want them, you can have high-waisted jeans without Long Butt. They are out there. Find them. 4. There is no way that a zipper as long as your thigh could possibly be necessary on any body or in any pant.

That is all.

Answers and Elaborations.

April 28, 2014April 28, 2014 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, Actually Possibly Informational, Kids: The Experience.

First of all, your quirky bits of life MADE MY DAY. I was not feeling well at all on Friday, but I got so many giggles from your comments. I really think that needs to be a regular feature – because y’all are far more interesting than I am.

In case you missed it, here are a few of my favorite quotes:

“I was present for my husband’s first wedding…. when I was 5.”

“I have a scar on my chin from a deodorant container.”

“I have never had “relations” with a man with two legs.”

“I gave birth to my first child in the parking lot of our birth center. Her head came out in target maternity shorts. Buy target maternity shorts, they can catch a baby and that needs to be their slogan.”

— How could I ever beat those slices of gold??

(To get the whole story on them from those who offered to share, click here and read the precious comments.)

Not too many of you had questions for me, which did not disappoint – again because of your own fantastic facts. But here are the answers for those that did:

Travis requested an update on Fred the Cat.

Fred is still around, and is awesomely photogenic despite sometimes looking like Miley.

Or maybe Miley looks like him.

But at any rate he makes a better Album Cover.

(Yes, I did just spend part of my Sunday afternoon making that. No, I have no idea why.)

He disappears for a day or two at a time, always beginning with a trip down the storm drain across the street. We have a theory that storm drains work for cats like Warp Pipes work for Mario – music and all. Fred pops down then pops back up at his real home – maybe in Tupelo, maybe in Warsaw, maybe in Beijing, or maybe, as I’ve settled on, in Alabaster Alabama.

Fred is an Alabama fan – he will lay in ANYBODY’S lap if it is covered with this blanket.

…And he seems to like Frozen like the rest of the known universe.

We have also recently discovered that Fred is a Circus Cat.

Not once, but TWICE, Fred leapt up a tree with magical agility upon hearing the phrase “climb a tree.”

Can your cat do that?

I didn’t think so.

The first time was a complete accident. Ali was talking about climbing the tree, and he totally wiped the floor with her when it came to tree-climbing bravery, speed, and skill.

(And he most definitely stuck that tongue out at her.)

The second time, I tried it as a very hopeful experiment.

He was laying under the same tree, so I walked over, patted the tree, and said, “Climb the tree, Fred!”

And he did.

He will NOT, however, do it in front of Chris.

So Chris thinks I’m a complete liar.

But Fred, the children, and I know better.

It should also be noted that Fred seems to have a lengthy list of aliases.

Besides Fred and whatever his name is when he pops up in Alabaster, he is also Cocoa two doors down.

(Which…compared to Fred….totally sounds like stripper name.)

(No offense, neighbors.)

They were walking by the other day and said,

“By the way. Do y’all have a gray cat?”

“Kinda…”

“Yeah. He’s been hanging around our house and trying to get in. And we’ve fed him a couple times. He’s really friendly though!”

I have a feeling that Fred answers to anything anyone will call him. And that his fake IDs are innumerable. Which would explain why he disappears so often. Because he has a LOT of houses to hit up.

(In Warsaw, he answers to “Czeslaw!”)

(Yes. I did just look at a list of Polish Baby Names. No. I don’t know why.)

(At least he doesn’t go by “Wlodzimiers!”)

But regardless, Ali is his favorite owner. Because sometimes…she gives him ice cubes in his water.

Okay I spent nearly the whole post answering Travis’ question.

But Fred is an intriguing character. He deserved it.

Rachel asked if I was still involved in jean consultations.

No, I am not. I quit doing that last summer when I began to get sick – it had just become too much for a variety of different reasons. I do still offer advice over email and Twitter from time to time, especially since I still receive regular butt emails due to this post.

I now buy all my jeans (and recommend that others do the same) from HauteLook (Nordstrom Rack’s Zulily-esque site) because they have great jeans and fantastic prices. But of course you have to know what fits you first…so it’s only helpful if you already know what works. Which, I suppose, is where the butt picture emails come in.

But, to answer Fi’s question, I DO plan on doing more denim blog posts – I have several in mind. However, those take huge amounts of work and research (some have taken over 40 hours), so the time to create those posts has to present itself to me.

And finally, Jenna asked, “Does Ali have a drawl like Noah?”

Well I don’t know because I don’t hear Noah’s drawl. So…I figured you’d need to decide for yourselves. I told Ali that y’all wanted to hear her talk (she knows ALL about who you are, but Noah has no idea that you exist), so this is what she chose to tell you.

(Note that I wasn’t lying when I said she introduces herself as an artist every time.)

So how about it.

Does she drawl?

And what is Fred’s name at your house?

p.s. – Kathleen, I got your question after I wrote this post. So….I guess I’ll have to write a post just to answer it! …Eventually. That one’ll take some thought.

Solids Are Hard to Come By.

March 10, 2014April 11, 2014 Rachel Callahan "Deep" Thoughts by Rachel, It's Tough Being a Girl, Just My Luck, Picture Birmingham, Shopping: A Girl's Best Friend

Reassurance: Despite my blogging track record and the implications of the above title, this post is not about potty-training. That one will come later in the week. You’re welcome.

So. Last week was a slight bit busy for me.

The Picture Birmingham website launch was exhilarating, exhausting, emotionally taxing, anxiety-inducing, overwhelming, and extraordinarily fun. And right smack in the middle of it, on Wednesday morning, I was supposed to have a live interview on a morning show here in town.

LIVE, y’all. No second takes, no flubs, no wiping my nose, no hold-on-a-minute-I-need-to-make-sure-I-don’t-have-lipstick-on-my-teeth.

It was petrifying.

Thankfully, they sent me instructions and the opportunity to suggest questions and talking points, which was my only comfort all week. At least I knew they wouldn’t ask me something and I’d have to say, “Uh….ummm….I have no idea hold on a sec while I Google that.”

Not to say I looked any less idiotic. Or that I slept any more the night before (which was zero, by the way. Not exaggerating.) But as I said, it was a comfort.

Within the instructions, though, there was a seemingly innocuous but bone-chilling bullet point.

“Wear bright solid colors but avoid white!”

I went to my closet.

It was as I suspected.

I do not own solid colors.

Except for one white dress, a few overly casual shirts, and two too-fancy cocktail dresses.

Even my current favorite blue jeans are prints.

I’ve got it bad.

Because you see, in my former life I was an accountant. And as an accountant I felt compelled to wear a boring solid button-up shirt or a boring solid blazer with boring solid pants.

I liked my life, I liked my job, but I hated my wardrobe.

So when I became a Stay-At-Home-Mom, I went craaaazy.

No more pants that could be called slacks or shirts that could be called blouses. No more Mom Jeans (yes I had some.) And NO MORE SOLID COLORS.

Which led to my great quantity of fretting last week.

Should I go casual solid?

Should I go dressy solid?

Should I go shopping?

Or should I break the rules?

Will they kick me out of the studio if I break the rules?

Does the news station have some sort of giant green screen technology that makes people wearing prints invisible? Or worse, just their clothes invisible?

Or are they just afraid I’ll clash with their couch? Because I know I have this one dress that will compliment it just fine…And it’s kinda like two solids in a solid sort of mash-up….so…it’s…semi-solid?

Okay it’s tie-dye. So probably not EXACTLY a solid.

And anyway. I’m a rule-following people-pleaser.

So I went shopping on Monday afternoon, while my first (non-live) interview about Picture Birmingham was airing. After all, it seemed to be the only reasonable choice. And it makes me too nervous to watch myself live anyway. Which was not exactly a comforting foreboding for the fact that I was going to have to be myself live in just a couple of days.

And I had a gift card to Express, so at least these solids wouldn’t cost me anything.

I pulled every semi-dressy thing they had in a solid color and dumped them in the dressing room. Which is when I realized that most of the shirts were button-ups. And when I put them on and looked into the mirror, I was transported back in time to the days of financial reports and accounts payable and long meetings and saggy-butted pants.

No. I can’t do it. I can’t I can’t I can’t.

I fled, leaving these garments behind before they wrapped themselves around me and forced me back into a cubicle.

Next, I went to a super trendy clothing boutique that specializes in semi-dressy dresses.

That are almost all prints.

I found the only three dresses in the store that were solid colors and visited their dressing room. Which was in possession of the World’s Most Unflattering Lighting and Fat Mirror. That or I Petri-Dished more thigh cellulite than I had calculated over the winter. But whichever it was (most likely a grotesque combo), I again fled, empty-handed, knowing that solids and I were never going to happen.

I scoured my closet again. I went back to that semi-solid tie-dye dress as my only logical option. And I decided to risk it.

After all, that instruction wasn’t in bold. And the exclamation point was after “and no white”, so surely the urgency implied was exclusive of the latter instruction.

It was more like a suggestion….not a requirement.

Right??

And I could have been much more disobedient and chosen one of my dresses with multiple prints, so I should get bonus credit for not doing that, right?

I showed up to the studio in my semi-solid. I tried to cover the printishness nervously with my hands as I signed in at the reception desk, and I began looking around for Studio Fashion Security.

In fact, you might see my eyes wandering nervously at the beginning of the video…and probably in the middle of it, too. Yes, that explanation makes me feel better about my super awkwardness on Live Television.

In conclusion, I didn’t catch anyone giving me a disapproving glare. But if I’m on the blacklist at ABC 33/40 henceforth, now you know why.

Note: The live interview is no longer available…here is the original spot on ABC 33/40:

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