Search for "Gap"

Don’t Be The Butt of The Joke.

January 9, 2015January 9, 2015 Rachel Callahan Don't Listen to my Fashion Advice, Let's Talk about The Internet, Weird Strange and True

When I opened up my Christmas presents from Chris, there was one particularly long and skinny one. As soon as I saw what it was, I gasped and looked up in horror.

“You DIDN’T. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!”

“Wait! No…this isn’t a Selfie Stick! THIS, my dear….THIS is a SUNSET STICK.

“Ummmm…..it says Selfie Stick right here.”

“Just think of all the sunset angles you can find with a six foot pole! This will revolutionize your sunset game. No more will trees and buildings block your view!”

I can’t say that I wasn’t still a bit horrified.

I haven’t yet used my Sunset Stick – I’m kind of afraid to pull it out in public, but I do see that there are places to which this could be quite advantageous. I’ll let you know how that goes.

However.

The fact that I received a Selfie Stick for Christmas pales fifty shades of narcissism in comparison to a product to which my friend Wade alerted me this week.

Guys, there’s a real actual product just for taking butt selfies.

And it’s called….The Belfie Stick.

Disclaimer: You will never be able to un-see the B in the logo’s typeface.

Seriously. Never.

There are so many things to discuss here. SO MANY THINGS.

But let’s start with dude on the right. HE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A BUTT. Why does he want to see it, let alone share it?!

And then there’s girl on the packaging. Can’t see her? Here she is, but bigger.

She has the ability to take a Belfie. She took a Belfie. She can see that her PANTS ARE TRANSLUCENT. Yet she’s still smiling.

THIS IS WHAT IS WRONG WITH AMERICA.

Now let’s discuss the Guarantee noted on the box. There is going to be a significant portion of America that becomes vastly unsatisfied when they see what their backside actually looks like – and those are just the people that didn’t realize they had Long Butt. Are you going to refund their money after you ruin their rear self image? Because that experience can be life-altering.

Next, let’s discuss the Testimonials on the web site.

Or at least, one in particular:

“I never again have to take pics in the bathroom. I can’t tell you how many times Ive dropped my iphone trying to take pics. I love it! Thank God they invented belfiestick!”

~ Lauren – Los Angeles, CA

Lauren, honey, I am positive you have many things in your life that are worth thanking God for.

The Belfie Stick should not be one of them.

Let’s move on to the name itself. In the list of Product Names That Should Never Be, “Belfie” is right after “Jegging” and “Maxi Skirts”, and right before “Booties”. It’s stupid wrong.

Besides the name, though, their byline is…

“Finally, a solution to all your back problems!”

I cannot WAIT to tell my Dad that I found the solution to all of his back problems! Father’s Day is going to be SO. AWESOME.

And if this wasn’t enough of a snapshot of what has become of our beloved nation,

this will make you want to pack up and move to Cuba.

It’s time to burn all the social medias.

To. The. Ground.

Editor’s Note: It must be acknowledged that the writer is aware of her possible status as having the most pinned butt on Pinterest. And even that this product would have made her research easier, had it not been for her superstar butt photographer/husband. However, her buttography was all in the name of Scientific Analysis, with a Mission Statement of Helping the Entire Populace – not to Instagram a selfie of her Derrière with three dozen hashtags.

Things In Which You Shouldn’t Run.

December 9, 2014December 9, 2014 Rachel Callahan Don't Listen to my Fashion Advice, HauteLook, It's Tough Being a Girl, Running, Shopping: A Girl's Best Friend, Weird Strange and True

Okay.

So I wear leggings as pants.

Clearly, that came as a terrible shock to many of you – at least based on the comments, the Facebook conversations, and the in-real-life justifications I’ve had to offer since making my grand admission.

So, in an effort to regain your confidence, I’d like to present you with a few “At least I don’t wear these” items, compliments of HauteLook and Target.

(I realize that I’m simply yet again setting myself up for later recants, but surely not. Surely. Not.)

I may be wearing athletic leggings as pants now, but at least I don’t wear these.

“When leggings as pants aren’t edgy enough for you anymore, try hose as pants wrapped in brightly colored Ace Bandages!”

I cannot help but wonder the state of the crotch. Are we talking mummy-in-a-diaper or celebrity peek-a-boo?

If you prefer to mix and match your hosiery and metallic Lycra, there’s this variety:

* Note: anyone without thigh gap, which includes me and 99% of the world, will get exactly one wear out of these pants before getting a run in that frighteningly thin seam.

If you prefer to look like the Tin Man halfway through the shredder rather than C-3PO, they have you covered as well.

However. Any and all leggings ever made are better than a dropped-crotch pant.

Especially a dropped-crotch sweat pant. With heeled boots.

Because nothing says “I wear granny panties and Depends and maybe Pampers too” like a crotch that intentionally comes down to your knees.

Speaking of Granny Panties.

Can anyone explain to me why you want Granny in the front, party in the back?

No.

If you’re going to wear a thong, wear a thong. If you’re going to cover the bottom half of your rib cage with your underwear, cover the bottom half of your rib cage with your underwear. You can’t have it all.

But let’s talk about what we’ve come here to talk about: What not to wear when running.

1. Don’t wear a sports bra that looks like it may have been hired to strangle you.

2. Or a sports bra that looks like it just finished touring with Lady Gaga.

3. In general, don’t give your boobs the opportunity to jump out the top of your top. It’s not good for aerodynamics.

4. Don’t wear pants that were upcycled from your fifth grade class photo backdrop.

Because no one needs flashbacks of their pimply tween face when they see your butt.

5. Don’t wear “pants” that look like you just escaped from a cult.

Because then everyone will assume you’re running from a bearded long-haired dude with 15 wives and 167 children, and you’ll be slowed down by dozens of offers to help.

6. Running skirts are weird. And they’re weirder still if printed with a 3-D Magic Eye poster from 1992.

After all, you don’t want to make other runners go cross-eyed trying to see your secret message. Unless you’re in a race. Then by all means make the other contestants trip.

7. Shoulder Peek-A-Boo is not meant for running. We’re running, ladies, not clubbing in Miami.

8. Unless you’re thighless, Dr.-Seuss-colored vertical stripes and spandex aren’t usually a good mix.

And most importantly,

9. Do not. I say DO NOT. Run. In a Thong.

I don’t care if it claims to be a performance thong.

So what if it says it wicks moisture. Exactly where do you think it’s going to send it?!

And you think your shoes rubbing your feet can cause chafing…you do not want chafing in the places a thong can travel.

And after a marathon, no amount of laundry detergent could make that thing sterile again. Assuming it doesn’t pop and smack you in the face on mile 22.

Let’s all just agree that VPL is okay when running – because the alternatives are deadly.

Smells Like Tween Spirit.

November 30, 2014November 30, 2014 Rachel Callahan "Deep" Thoughts by Rachel, Do You Know? Because I Don't., Just My Luck, Kids: The Experience., Shopping: A Girl's Best Friend

My daughter is tall – like 90th percentile tall. She’s always been tall. And we’re not quite sure why.

Lately her tallness has been catching us off guard – if Chris takes a picture of her, I flip out a little on the inside at how old she looks.

http://instagram.com/p/vtpUMIsb8i

If I take a picture of her, he becomes slightly teary-eyed at how mature she appears.

http://instagram.com/p/vwSr4ASEz-

She also loves to wear dresses. So tallness + dresses means that I always buy at least one size too big so that she can:

a) Wear it a year with modesty,

b) Wear it another two years with leggings, and

c) Wear it another year as a shirt.

…Because I buy her nice dresses and I want them to get their due usage. I buy these nice dresses because the cheaper brands that I used to buy her had a striking change at the size of 4, as the size of 4 is complicated.

4 is great because you have the choice of buying 4T or 4 clothes, which means you have twice the selection.

4 is horrible, awful and no-good because every size 4T sleeved dress is now a size 4 halter, and every size 4T shirt with a scooped neckline is now a size 4 with a deep plunging v neckline.

BECAUSE THEY’RE FOUR.

AND IT IS APPARENTLY TIME TO START LOOKING LIKE A WOMAN.

The heaviest offender of this habit is Children’s Place, where I almost exclusively shopped until she turned four. So we parted ways and I replaced them with the Tea Collection, who sees no need in skanking up a pre-K’s clothing.

(Note. I do not think that every halter or v-neckline is slutty on a four-year-old. Hopefully you understand the point of my rant. If not, feel free to throw turtleneck blue jean overall dresses at me in the comment section.)

Nearly Ali’s entire wardrobe is now Tea Collection,

But Tea Collection isn’t cheap. And even though I have the four-year-plan for Ali’s dresses, I’m still not going to pay full price. So I carefully shop the sales and clearances and really do quite well.

(And I buy the coordinating long sleeve tees to put under her short-sleeved dresses, thereby getting two seasons a year for four years out of some of her dresses. I really should get a Nobel Prize for my wardrobe-stretching abilities.)

But as I have been shopping Black Friday and Cyber Monday sales to purchase Ali’s latest allotment of dresses, I’ve found myself in a deep crisis.

Ali turns 8 in January.

Which means that I don’t want to buy her size 8 dresses, or she’ll grow out of them before I feel they’ve been adequately used.

But guess what size doesn’t exist for girls?

That’s right.

A 9.

Or an 11, for that matter. Or a 13.

And so now I’m stuck, with many questions and zero answers.

Why the flip does the clothing industry decide that nine-year-olds don’t deserve their own size? Does no growth happen at nine? Are nine year olds such a black hole between little girl and tween that they don’t deserve clothes that fit?

And is a 10 two sizes bigger than an 8, or just one size and they’re trying to make it seem two sizes bigger? And if so, why not just call it a 9 and let us have what we want?

Why does an 18 month old get their own half-year size, but there’s a two-year gap when many pre-adolescent growth spurts start happening? Do babies deserve less ill-fitting clothes than angsty and changing little girls?

And most importantly, I DON’T WANT TO BUY MY SEVEN-YEAR-OLD CLOTHES THAT ARE TAGGED FOR A TEN-YEAR-OLD. That smells of tween spirit. And I am not prepared for running a Tweendom.

Please enlighten me, Moms-that-are-ahead-of-me. I NEED YOU.

Search Results for : Gap