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Doilies Aren’t Shorts.

September 15, 2014September 14, 2014 Rachel Callahan Don't Listen to my Fashion Advice

I know that summer is almost over (or very over) in some parts of the United States. Those of you in South Dakota and Colorado have already seen…snow??

Weirdos.

However, we have at least another month, maybe two, of wearing shorts, getting sunburned, and sweating our brains out.

Especially at football games.

Saturday was no exception, and although I’ll have to wait until later in the season to do my annual Alabama Football Fashion Report (I require several Gamedays to gather a full spectrum of sample data), one trend was disturbingly apparent.

This year’s sorority uniform includes a heavy dose of Doilies as Shorts.

Thick, crocheted lace shorts that look like a craft project from Valentine’s decorations bought from Party City’s clearance bin in late March. Although I’ve been seeing them all summer around town, in the official uniform seen on Saturday they were worn with a severely unharmonious frat party t-shirt or a football jersey. I’m sure when Autumn does roll around, they’ll simply add their Ugg boots to the outfit to complete the discord.

This was the most oft-seen design, although see-through ones were also in great abundance.

{Source: Express}

Sometimes the layers were so thick that it was hard to discern if the intention was shorts or an extraordinarily tiny skirt.

{Source: Open Sky}

In black, they became casket-skirt ready. Do they put skirts around caskets? Of course they do.

{Source: Open Sky}

And the backside looked more like a Christmas Tree after the Grinch robbed it of its color.

{Source: Wet Seal}

If there were ever an appropriate time for me to say “I can’t even”, it is now.

Because I’ve spent the better part of the last five years fighting long butt, when all of a sudden this lacy shorts trend wants to come along and create a whole new fight: long crotch.

{Source: HauteLook}

Long, long, granny-panties-marries-granny-panties-and-has-an-inbred-granny-panties-baby long crotch.

No, please – no.

Let’s talk about where crochet can and should go:

1. Tablecloths.
2. Fancy curtains.
3. Baby Bonnets, if you’re into that sort of thing.
4. Shirts even – but maybe not in the form of the Bustier pictured above.
5. A doily for the back of your grandmother’s commode.
6. Maybe even swimsuit cover-ups, but I’d avoid any unfortunate targeting.

{Source: HauteLook}

Now let’s talk about where crochet doesn’t belong.

On your shorts.

That is all.

Clearly a good portion of the population disagrees with me. Are you one of them?

35 Things to Do in Birmingham.

June 23, 2014July 21, 2020 Rachel Callahan Actually Possibly Informational, I Love Birmingham, Pop Post, Popular Posts

I’ve lived in Birmingham my entire life. Seriously – even college. The longest I’ve ever been away from this city was six weeks at the age of 16 when I went overseas.

As a kid, Birmingham was clearly a dying city. My parents told stories of what it once was, but it was impossible to imagine. Downtown was boarded up, everything happened in the suburbs, and we were all bored.

There was nothing to do.

In the past five years, my city has gone through a beautiful metamorphosis. Residents began having a new sense of optimism and burden to invest in the city. Things began to actually change, and all of a sudden, we had a vibrant, beautiful, exciting city.

(Did you know that we have the number one amount of green space per capita in the nation? A great deal of that has been created in my adulthood.)

It’s officially summertime, and it’s time to get out and explore the city – both the new and the old. If you’re not from Birmingham, you’re on your own. (And you should really consider moving here.) If you are from Birmingham, here are my suggestions.

1. Hike the trails at Red Mountain Park. [Free] They’re beautiful, have fascinating iron mining relics, and some pretty stunning views. Make a checklist of the major lookouts and treehouses and find them all.

Some of the trails even look like this. How much more magical could Birmingham get?

2. Tour Birmingham’s Local Coffee Shops. [Cheap] My favorites are Seeds Coffee Company, Church Street Coffee and Books, Octane, Urban Standard, The Red Cat, Hart and Soul, and O’Henry’s. Tell me if you discover any more jewels.

3. Go shopping at The Grand River Outlet Mall. [Free to as much as you want to spend] – They have a great kid’s play area, fantastic shops, and even better deals. Make sure you stop by the welcome center in the food court and get a coupon book.

While you’re in the area…

4. Find the Leeds Memorial Park. [Free] The slides there are taller than any other slides in Birmingham. AND they still have a merry-go-round! If you have children who like thrills, it’s great. And if they don’t, there’s a little kid park, too. If you need lunch afterward, check out Rusty’s BBQ. Rusty will make you feel at home, and he has the best white sauce in the city.

5. Eat a hamburger and enjoy the views at Tip Top Grill on Shades Crest Road. [Super Cheap] And while you’re there, walk down to Lover’s Leap. Just hold your kid’s hands well.

6. Visit Aldridge Gardens in Hoover. [Free] Take a stale bag of bread to feed the fish, ducks, geese, and turtles – they’ll be expecting it. Also, find the totem pole on the other side of the lake – it’s pretty fantastic.

7. Eat an outdoor dinner (or lunch) at Chez LuLu. [Moderate] Leave the kids with someone else if you can – it’s quite romantic.

8. Go to a Movie in the Park at Avondale Park. [Free] The amphitheater there is fantastic, and they have a fantastic operation headed up by Marco of Silvertron Café, which is where you should eat before attending.

9. Hike The Ruffner Mountain Nature Preserve. [Free] A largely forgotten jewel of Birmingham, this mountainside is fantastic. The views are well worth the hike, with or without kids – just don’t try to bring a jogging stroller.

While you’re in the area…

10. Eat lunch at The Irondale Café (of Fried Green Tomatoes fame – the food and the movie), then watch trains go by. [Cheap] Make sure you appreciate train graffiti – it’s quite magnificent.

11. Take the kids to The McWane Center. [Moderate] It’s fun, sneakily educational, and is a great thing to do when it’s too hot to go outside.

12. Go to an ArcLight Stories night. [Cheap, not with kids] This is a unique and fascinating event where several people tell short stories from their lives. You will laugh, you will cry, you will learn to appreciate humanity.

Photo provided by ArcLight Stories

13. Cool down at Steel City Pops in Homewood. [Cheap] If you need lunch to boot, Nabeel’s is around the corner and Little Donkey is next door. Tip: If you have a popsicle aversion like I do (even thinking about the feeling of biting into a popsicle makes me cringe,) get a milk-based one. They’re soft and quite manageable.

14. Go to a movie at The Alabama Theatre. [Moderately Cheap] It’s unforgettable.

15. Plan a walk downtown. [Free] You’ll be amazed at the things you notice.

16. Go on a Scavenger Hunt at Crestline Park. [Free] The contest is closed, but you should still be able to find the clues!

17. Canoe the Cahaba River. [Moderate] I have very fond memories of doing this as a kid, and seriously want to do it as an adult. We did tube the Cahaba a few years ago, and I must say I was a fan of Lazy-Man’s’-Canoeing.

18. Go on a Sunset Walk along the Ridges of Red Mountain. [Free] You knew I was going to suggest this, right? I guarantee it will change your outlook on the city forever.

19. Go to a Birmingham Barons game. [Moderately Cheap] Experience why this stadium is changing the face of Birmingham.

While you’re down there…

20. Visit the LightRails. [Free] It will make any night cheerier.

21. Take a short walk on the Irondale Furnace Trail. [Free] It’s a fun and easy view of some of Birmingham’s industrial history, as well as a gorgeous taste of nature.

22. Railroad Park. [Free] It’s one of our favorite places to hang out after dinner as the sun is setting. They have playgrounds, lakes, walking trails, and more.

23. Discover the hidden trails at the Birmingham Botanical Gardens. [Free] That place is GIANT. You have no idea.

24. Drive a little over an hour to Spring Valley Beach Water Park. [Moderate] It’s been a few years since we’ve visited, but we loved it. They have waterslides, a huge pool, and they allow you to bring in all of your own food.

25. Spend a day hiking, swimming, BMXing, or relaxing at Oak Mountain State Park. [Cheap]

26. Try out the Zip Lines at Red Mountain Park. [Moderate] We did this and it is fantastic. And although it makes a great date, kids can do it as well – that is, if your kids are braver than mine.

27. Visit Vulcan, of course. [Cheap] The free park is improved and better than ever, but it’s worth a few bucks to go to the top and see his view of the city. Also, those few bucks get you into the museum, which is always worth a walk-through.

28. Visit Tannehill State Park. [Cheap] I feel like half my childhood happened at Tannehill. And they’re all good memories.

29. Visit The Birmingham Zoo. [Moderate] Go in the mornings – the animals are always perkier, unlike me.

30. Walk along The Jemison Park Nature Trail. [Free] It’s beautiful, easy to manage, and shady. It also has a unique way of getting across the creek.

31. Learn in Downtown – visit The Birmingham Museum of Art and The Birmingham Civil Rights Institute. [Free/Cheap]

32. Take a tour of Sloss Furnaces. [Cheap] Make sure you bring your camera – it’s more beautiful than you might think.

33. Head to the Gardendale Splash Pad. [Free] They also have an adjoining playground when it’s time to dry off.

34. Go on a drive through Mountain Brook and see who can spot the biggest house. [Free] Feel free to pretend that Birmingham’s royalty lives here.

35. Go to Bessemer and eat at The Bright Star. [Moderate] You’ll immediately feel like you’re stepping back into Birmingham’s past.

Enjoy your summer. Explore. And let me know what you find.

And if you’re not in Birmingham, what do I need to come experience in your city?

You might also like 10 Best Hikes and Runs in Birmingham, Where to find Birmingham’s Sunsets, or 30 Hiking Destinations in Birmingham.

See more pictures of magnificent Birmingham sights at Picture Birmingham, my photo site that benefits The WellHouse, a local ministry that rescues victims of human trafficking.

School Completion Badge: Unlocked.

May 20, 2014May 19, 2014 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, Homeschooling: Not just for the socially awkward anymore., Kids: The Experience.

Let’s talk about what changes between the beginning and the end of the school year.

1. The transition from fully Pinterested-Out, pre-printed and thought-out signs to OHDEARCRAPINEEDTOMAKEASIGN moments that happen approximately 30 seconds before the photo is snapped.

(I wouldn’t have even remembered to notate the last day of school with a picture except that my Facebook Feed was full of other Moms who remembered all by themselves.)

2. First Day of school semi-coordinated outfits…downgraded to mismatched pajamas and hair that hasn’t been brushed in at least three days.

3. Good lighting, calmly posed photography to “IF YOU DON’T SIT THERE AND LET ME TAKE YOUR FREAKING PHOTO YOU WILL NOT GET A SINGLE PIECE OF CANDY FOR LIKE AT LEAST AN HOUR!!”

4. My subjects seemed to have developed a serious slump. Clearly we didn’t do Charm School this year.

5. And oh yeah – they look older.

Sniff.

(Too bad one of them doesn’t act it.)

Now for the Official Report Card.

Just like last year, Noah had a great first half of the year and not-so-great second half.

The first semester, he was all about it – playing Legos, coloring, doing stickers, and sitting in my lap so as to utilize my fantastic artistic abilities to aid his entertainment.

But the second semester he was angry. Very, very angry.

And when he wasn’t angry, he was using his talents for evil, disturbing the peace to which his sister holds so dearly.

NOBODY spills Ali’s paintbrush water.

Okay yes they do.

On an unrelated note…Noah’s going to Preschool next year.

Really – I swear – It’s not Troubled Toddler Boot Camp. We’d always considered sending him when he was three because his Godmother is an absolutely fabulous three-year-old preschool teacher, and I knew that both Noah and she would love to have a year of school together.

And Ali and I would love to do school without an angry toddler throwing things at us.

(Okay he’s not that bad.)

(Sometimes.)

As I’ve always said about Homeschooling, we take everything one year at a time, with prayer and over-analysis, as to what works for each kid and our family that year.

And we think three half-days a week of preschool will be awesome.

Noah will probably come home again and actually start homeschooling the year after that, but we’ll see where God leads when the time comes.

As far as how mine and Ali’s school year went, it was surprisingly good, despite my health issues that did add a level of difficulty.

We both enjoyed our decision to use textbooks (as old school and hipster as it may have been,) and plan on doing the same next year. Our favorite choice was BJU’s reading program – despite some really hilarious legalistic overtones in a few stories (which gave us great conversation opportunities,) they even provided Ali with artistic relief amidst reading comprehension.

What’s that? You want to see one of the ridiculously legalistic stories?

Sure. Why not?

(As long as you promise to keep in mind that most were not like this. But the few that were really went for it.)

Yes Reggie, your train painting is great. Thank you for eagerly trying to please me, your mother. BUT NO, It is not pleasing to God. And it’s certainly not good enough for God’s Museum.

But wait! There’s more!

Good job Reggie. Way to spend all night trying to please me with your holiness. But no. IT’S STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY GOD MUSEUM.

NOT EVEN ON THE BATHROOM WALL.

And then there was this page in another story, which we quickly deemed the worst “Good Morning, sis!” ever.

Because what kid would want to miss a “Dead Man Overboard” moment?

Despite these winners, we actually ended up doing the First and Second Grade reading program this year because Ali enjoyed it so much.

The A Beka math went well, although I think Ali needs some work in speed. (Or at least not procrastinating.) We did not end up using the BJU bible program or Handwriting Without Tears – we just did our own thing in both of those subjects, and I’m going to reassess for next year.

I also administered Ali’s first Stanford Achievement Tests this year, which was a fascinating process.

(I’ve had a lot of people ask me how I got my hands on such contraband – I discovered that individual homeschoolers can order the tests from A Beka Testing. It was relatively inexpensive, but make sure you download the instructions off the website, because they don’t come with the tests and you’ll need to know how to fill in the school information bubbles if you want to actually get your results back.)

Originally I was just doing it “just because” – I figured Ali would enjoy it (being that she’s a SuperGeek like me), and that it was good practice. However, it ended up being invaluable. I learned several things:

1. It is dang hard to give your own kid achievement tests – especially when you know they know the right answer but are just thinking about the question wrong. But you must follow the script only or it’s not standardized. Therefore, it was great practice in self-control for me. Fortunately, when Ali hits third grade they’ll be administered by our cover school and my personal agony will end.

2. It revealed a couple of educational gaps we had – in particular, specific language issues like capitalization and punctuation. It helped me plan for next year to better cover those areas.

3. It gave me the confidence that we really are on the right track – she did extremely well, and, as predicted, adored the testing. Bubble-Filling-In runs deeply in our family.

4. It has been fifteen years since I have been able to geek out at the statistical goldmine that is Achievement Test results. Oh how I love, love, love percentiles.

And…that about covers our year.

How was yours?

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