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Crochet Shorts: The Review.

March 23, 2015July 5, 2019 Rachel Callahan Don't Listen to my Fashion Advice, Uncle Leo, Utter Silliness, Weird Strange and True

There has never been any news article released that both my readers and friends felt such unanimous urgency to send to me than Crochet Shorts for Men made out of recycled vintage afghans. The tweets, Facebook messages, emails, texts, and IRL “You have GOT to SEE THIS!” lasted for well over a month.

Perhaps it was because of my post about Doilies not being Shorts, and people needed to know – were blankets as shorts a better choice?

I came very close to ordering a pair – just for you guys. After all, if you all love me enough to bombard me with this information so thoroughly, I owed it to you.

But, thankfully for my budget, I have a family member that is just weird enough to buy them for himself.

No, Not Chris.

Uncle Leo.

If you’ve been around for long enough, you should also remember that Leo is the self-taught toenail artist who makes fantastically intricate three-dimensional artscapes out of his carefully saved clippings for his cherished wife.

(If you don’t know, you need to click through and then come back.)

But he is also well-known in his hometown for his eclectic fashion statements, and can often be easily picked out of a crowd at the Flora-Bama (I’ve actually had one blog reader do just that – and even introduce herself to him.)

So wearing Crochet Shorts with a tuxedo suit to a Mardi Gras Ball was perhaps the most appropriate use that this New American Fashion Staple had ever experienced.

And, after the ball, because he loves me, he shipped the shorts to me.

To share with you.

The pattern is quite generous in its hole size, so before I could put them on, in the name of decency, I had to start with some “Undershorts”.

So the process of modeling Crochet started here:

(I’ll have you know that I painted my toenails for the first time post-Winter just for this photo shoot. You’re welcome.)

Then it was time for the shorts.

Now granted, they were made for Leo. And Leo and I are not identical in size.

Which is when the first feature of the Crochet Short, the drawstring, comes in very handy.

But let’s talk about that drawstring.

Its sharp edges tend to cut straight through layers of epidermis, all while creating a serious crochet bunching issue, especially when cinched, adding to one’s waist a small intertube made of yarn. The effect is…unsettling.

My thoughtful photographer and dearest husband went behind my back and captured an image that shows how very deeply that waistband cut, all while adding extreme inches as it did so.

But OH.

The Butt.

If ever anyone wanted a Kardashian-Sized Kaboose, Crochet Shorts will provide. They are the Fairy Godmother, the Genie in a Bottle, the Avada Kedavra of the small backside.

I MEAN. I know that running has grown my butt. But it’s not that size.

To convince myself of that fact after I perused, mouth agape, the photos of my rear view, I had to go put on a pair of blue jeans (after all, that’s the way my butt is the most comfortable being photographed) and drag my cameraman back out to the porch, despite the fact that it was after dark.

How do those shorts make my whole top half look two sizes bigger, too? They are magical in all the wrong ways. And there is something so intestinally inappropriate about the downward design of that chevron.

Oh – you want to see the front Chevron? Even worse.

Overall, they just didn’t seem like they were meant for me.

Or, perhaps, I was not meant for them.

They deserved better.

So I tried them on a different model.

Yes – it was clear.

Crochet Shorts are meant for the naturally cute – like Noah and his Great Uncle Leo.

10 Best Hikes and Runs in Birmingham.

March 20, 2015April 2, 2016 Rachel Callahan Actually Possibly Informational, I Love Birmingham, I'm a Glutton for Adventure

It’s the first day of spring, guys. I can nearly feel all of the viruses and bacteria of this infested winter die. Isn’t it wonderful?

And it’s time to get back outdoors and enjoy our beautiful state. We’re blessed with winters that are mild enough to allow us to comfortably be outside regularly, but the blooming of spring and the warmth of the sun make it so much more invigorating.

Hiking and running are favorite activities in our family, and Birmingham has some spectacular places to explore on foot. Below are our ten favorite places to get outside on a beautiful day, in no particular order.

1. Moss Rock Preserve. (Hike, Walk) – Located in Hoover, it has 12 miles of hiking trails, a boulder field that is kid (and teenager) heaven, and many waterfalls. Moss Rock is a perfect place to go to enjoy nice weather, but it is almost completely shaded, so dress for it to be about 5-10 degrees cooler than it really is.

Located just below the boulder field, this is one of my kid’s (and their cousin’s) favorite places. I wish I was their height so it could be mine, too.

The creek always houses fantastic reflections from the tree covering above.

True to its name, there are all kinds of moss (and ferns) to be discovered.

Waterfalls are in abundance. Try to go after a good rain!

The boulder field is situated on a steep incline, so it’s easy to go out onto the top of the rocks.

There are some passes through those boulders that only tiny people can fit. You have been warned.

The kids call this “The Desert” – it’s a solid rock slab going uphill. It’s great for games – all sorts.

The top of the boulder field is a great place to stand and stare. For obvious reasons.

Pros: Plenty of paths, lots of interesting things to discover, lovely waterfalls.

Cons: There are a lot of creek crossings with no actual crossing. Rock balancing is a must, and sometimes, when the water is high, it can get a bit treacherous for little legs.

2. Red Mountain Park. (Hike, trail run, walk.) There are so many trails to be discovered here – long and short, difficult and flat. There are beautiful overlooks, historic mining relics, rail ruins that make the perfect photo backdrop, and plenty of surprises to discover on your own. They also have fantastic adventure opportunities, such as a zip line course and an 80 foot climbing tower.

The view from Grace’s Gap, one of the many overlooks, is a thrill. This is the zoomed in view.

…And this is the actual view.

The SkyHy Treehouse is my kid’s favorite part of the park. The suspension bridge is just sturdy enough to feel comfortable, and just flexible enough to give an eight-year-old an adrenaline rush.

The mining ruins make every trip out to Red Mountain Park count as a school day. Alabama History for the win!

This old rail bed, more overgrown with forest as you walk further, fulfills every kid’s dream of playing on train tracks.

Pros: Many different walks, 12 miles of trails, many terrain options, great views and activities.

Cons: Many trails are not easily accessible with a jogging stroller. Also, keep this trail map handy on your phone – there are so many trails that overlap and cross each other that it’s sometimes difficult to keep it straight.

3. Ruffner Mountain Nature Preserve. (Hike, trail run, walk) I’ve lived in Birmingham all my life and am ashamed that my first visit to Ruffner Mountain happened in my 30s. It’s another great nature preserve with many trails – many more than I’ve traversed. We almost always take the same one – we park on the backside of the preserve (at the baseball fields) and take an easy .65 mile hike to the Birmingham overlook. It’s a relatively easy trail that has a couple of different-facing views on the way. And the overlook is one of the best spots to catch a big sky sunset in Birmingham.

The colors are beautiful all year long, but especially in the fall.

This overlook faces an old quarry.

Even Winter Walks are beautiful at Ruffner Mountain.

Pros: Close to the city, many different trails.

Cons: A lot of altitude changes.

4. Jemison Trail. (Walk, run) This lovely two mile trail in the heart of Mountain Brook is fantastic for exercising. It has many different parking and entry points, wide paths, flat trails, a creek for distraction, and numerous park benches along the way. Also, if you have kids with you, plan your walk/run so that you can go out into Mountain Brook Village, and bribe them with a stop for candy at Swoop halfway through – it’s a multi-generational tried and true way to get kids to love exercise.

Jemison Trail is one of the best runs in the city because of its easy access and extreme mileage variability. It can be made into a 4-6 mile loop using Montevallo Road as the other side, or it can be combined with Lakeshore Trail to get a 10-12 mile loop, or climb the mountain to the top of the city and visit all three Mountain Brook Villages for an 8-10 mile loop.

The stepping stone bridge about halfway through the trail.

The view from the stepping stone bridge.

The trail is half paved, half gravel.

The water wheel house across the road from Jemison Trail – you’ll also notice a sketch of this house on the doors of Mountain Brook Police cars – interesting, since it’s actually a private residence. I’d feel pretty safe if my house were on the side of every police car in my city.

A Swoop fan for life – her future running career has been powered by the promise of their candy.

Pros: Super flat, convenient, mostly paved.

Cons: Right against the road, therefore not so rustic. Also, if there’s been a heavy rain, the stepping stone path over the creek is covered up, so plan accordingly.

5. Lakeshore Trail. (Walk, run, bike) This 2.5 mile sidewalk is perfect for an easy, mindless run. It semi-connects to Jemison Trail via Brookwood Mall, and also skirts alongside the creek. Being in the flood plain, there’s also often a “lake” on the other side, convenient since there hasn’t actually been a lake at Lakeshore Drive in quite some time.

There are several places along the creek that have beautiful vistas.

The “lake” when it was frozen over this winter.

If you go out the Green Springs Highway side of the trail and turn right onto Old Green Springs Road, you will find this always changing and entertaining bridge – that is, if you like graffiti.

Pros: Super flat, can be used by runners or bikers, mileage marked every .25 miles.

Cons: Not too interesting for children, less rustic.

6. Boulder Creek Nature Trail. (Hike) Situated right behind the Vestavia Library in the Forest and accessible from their back door, this nature trail feels surprisingly remote to be right off Highway 31. Ali and I recently checked it out for the first time, and were quite surprised at its depth and natural beauty. It flanks both sides of a fairly steep ravine through which Patton Creek runs, has a nice waterfall at one end, and is quite a beautiful hike.

Patton Creek in the bottom of the ravine

The origin of the name “Boulder Creek” becomes apparent quickly.

There are some seriously steep moments on this trail. Thank goodness for hand rails!

Pros: Beautiful, convenient, surprisingly scenic.

Cons: Not stroller accessible, narrow trails along ridges, a good deal of altitude change.

7. Irondale Furnace Trail. (Walk, Run) – Starting on Stone River Road in Mountain Brook, this gem of a trail is difficult to find, but well worth the effort. It’s only 1 1/3 miles long, but it’s stunningly gorgeous (especially in Fall and Spring), and has its own set of ruins halfway down the trail. It can also be combined into a running loop, as it empties out onto Old Leeds Road near the Jemison Trail/Montevallo Road loop referenced earlier.

Pros: relatively flat, convenient, not crowded, an easy walk.

Cons: Short and hard to find (Reference the map at the bottom of the post.)

8. Aldridge Gardens. (Run, walk) – Aldridge Gardens is a gem of Hoover that I’m constantly surprised by how many people have never visited. The perfect place for letting kids run off some energy, it has an endless supply of fish, ducks, and turtles to feed, a beautiful lake for practicing your reflection photography, a half-mile walking trail along the lake, and the wonderful hidden secret of The Fairy Garden.

The Fairy Garden is something that must be experienced rather than photographed, but it is a settlement up the hill on the far side of the lake (take the upper trail and it will lead you right to the fairies.) It includes fairy houses and settlements, and three giant bins labels “Rocks”, “Sticks”, and “Pine Cones.” Kids collect and sort the items so that the fairies have building supplies the next night. There must be fairy magic involved because it’s endlessly entertaining. So if you want a nice walk around the lake and then an opportunity to sit in silence for a few minutes, take your kids up to collect items for the fairy construction workers.

The colors light up in Autumn and Spring at Aldridge Gardens.

This guy is always hungry, waiting for thoughtful kids to come place rocks in his mouth.

The animals are very kind to the children. Except for the hissing Geese, if you don’t have food for them.

There are plenty of benches for walk breaks.

Pros: Perfect for children, many different gardens to explore, beautiful scenery.

Cons: Trails are relatively short.

9. Oak Mountain State Park. (Hike, Walk, Run, Bike) – Oak Mountain is the most diverse state park I’ve ever visited. With 9,940 acres, they have easy walking trails, steep hikes, a 22 mile biking loop, and dozens of activities – it would take many visits to run out of new things to try. We have not yet put Oak Mountain to nearly the use it deserves, but the trips we have taken have been perfect.

The Lake Trail is 2.3 miles long, and is a great trail for running, walking, or biking. It goes over a dam on the lake with the amazing view below:

The hike to King’s Chair along the Blue trail is well worth the climb – and there is certainly a climb.

The lake is always relaxing to sit along, and includes a beach.

The architecture of some of the buildings have a magical, old-world feel to them.

Pros: Endless supply of every sort of hike, bike, run, or walk.

Cons: Make sure you have a map if you set out on a new trail – there are so many connectors and trails that it can get confusing.

10. The Chief Ladiga Trail (Run, Bike, Walk) – This is the furthest recommendation from Birmingham, but there’s a good reason for including it. IT IS AMAZING. The Chief Ladiga Trail is a Rails to Trails project that goes from the Weaver-Anniston city line to the Georgia-Alabama state line, for a total of 33 miles. It then connects with the Silver Comet Trail in Georgia, which is a 61.5 mile rail to trail that goes all the way to Smyrna, right outside Atlanta.

Since it is a Rails to Trails project, the grade is nearly nonexistent, it’s relatively straight, and it goes through beautiful countrysides and small towns. A good chunk of the trail travels through the Talladega National Forest, which is simply stunning.

We have biked and run 20 miles of this trail at different times, and plan on biking or running the entire trail (and the Silver Comet Trail) as we have the opportunity.

Here are some sights along the trail in the Talladega National Forest:

This post has been just a taste of all of the great places to hike and run in and around Birmingham. A few other places that are well worth the visit include:

– The Botanical Gardens – they have way more trails than you might think, and the gardens are very invigorating.

– Downtown – a run through Birmingham will give you a whole new appreciation for the beauty of our city, and you will notice many things you’ve never seen before.

– Star Lake – Although it’s a short loop, it’s a beautiful one, and easy to get to. It’s great for a small window of time to exercise.

– The Tuscaloosa River Walk – if you find yourself in Tuscaloosa, you must check out the beautiful path along the river.

So get outside, Birmingham, and enjoy Spring.

More Resources:

– Here’s an interactive map of all of the places mentioned in this post:

– 35 Things to do in Birmingham
– 38+ Places to find Birmingham’s sunsets
– 30 Hiking Destinations in Birmingham
– Five Star Trails: Birmingham, book by Thomas Spencer – if you want all of the details, down to where to enjoy the annual run of the spotted salamanders and what flower blooms when and where, then check out this book. It opened my eyes to several trails I’d never even heard of, and helped create my bucket list of trails to visit soon.
– Picture Birmingham, over 500 photos of Birmingham (including many from above), indexed by location, and available on prints, canvas, note cards and more, with 100% of the profits donated to The WellHouse to help rescue victims of human trafficking.

Half Notes.

March 11, 2015March 10, 2015 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, Just My Luck, Running

Okay.

You guys have put up with not one, but two posts about running races in the past two weeks.

And I am well aware of how obnoxious runners are to non-runners. I was a staunch non-runner for 32.75 years and had zero intentions of ever becoming a runner and would’ve totally told that joke, “Hey. How do you know if someone is a runner? Don’t worry – they’ll tell you!”

…Until my stupid Dysautonomia got bad enough that I was willing to attempt the one thing I didn’t want to do to help it – and it worked so well and so instantaneously that I’ve run nearly daily for the last nine months.

So I get it. And I promise not to write another race post.

With that said, I went out of town with Chris last weekend to r*ce in my first h*lf m*rathon.

(See? This is about a date weekend away. Not another r*ce.)

We are experts at planning trips away the weekend of Daylight Savings Time, because we totally get to skip the adjustment by sleeping in with no children.

(And stick it to my parents, who have to deal with losing an hour with our kids.)

(Sorry Mom and Dad.)

So we skipped town around lunchtime on Friday and drove to Tuscaloosa. We did what you’re supposed to before a r*ce and ate giant plates of pasta with Chris’ brother Joey and sister-in-law Heather, who were going to be r*cing with us.

This was the juncture at which Chris thought it was time to mention to me that our r*ce started at 7 the next morning.

SEVEN.

A.freaking.M.

And I was talked into this trip based on being able to skip losing an hour. And then they tell me I have to get up at who-knows-what-time to go stand out in the freezing morning air so that I can pay good money to do what I could do for free later that afternoon in the nice warm sunshine?

I now see why people hate runners.

Because runners are stupid.

But I played along. I woke up on a Saturday morning in the 5 o’clock hour (that should not even exist on Saturday morning), pulled on my leggings as pants (I admit it – they make me feel like a superhero) and might have called my husband a “frickin’ idiot” when we walked out of the hotel into the 27° morning air.

Naturally, my car was also not ready for such early-morning torture, and was snoring under a thick blanket of frost.

Chris asked if I had an ice scraper.

“No, but remember? I learned that defrost actually *de-frosts your windshields* last year!! It’s so cool. Let’s just wait on that!”

But this was the first r*ce I’d ever run with my husband. And I learned that he is indeed quite antsy on r*ce mornings.

So he rooted around in my Chick-fil-a-covered back seat floorboards, found the most scraperish thing available (a DVD case), and began leaving claw marks across my windshield while I went back to muttering under my breath about his insanity.

This is how Alabamians scrape ice, y’all.

I then noticed that the sun was rising behind us and was all like, “ooh! We should drive back there just for a minute and take a picture!”, to which Chris said, “You DO realize that we’re not supposed to show up at the race right when it starts, correct?”

Oh yeah.

The Race Day Antsies.

But being the good husband that he is, he drove me backwards for approximately 100 feet before promptly turning around and heading toward the starting line.

We arrived, and it was inhumanely cold. Serbian Serfs wouldn’t have to work in this weather. But I found a sunny spot and stood in it, ignoring the fact that my feet were slowly freezing onto the pavement, because at least the big ball of light was keeping my eyelashes from icing over.

About ten minutes before r*ce time, I realized I needed to pee.

Of course.

So I joined the long line at the port-a-potties to wait my turn. When I was three people back, a hot blond with thigh gap came bursting out of one of them.

She looked around wildly and said to all three dozen of us waiting, “I would NOT go in there! It is JACKED UP!”

This was a first for me – a hot blond with thigh gap admitting to jacking up a bathroom, however portable it may be.

And then she finished her thought.

“I got stuck in there! The lock would not unlock! I had to beat on the door and shake it up and down to get it open!”

Well now. That does make more sense.

Finally, two minutes before race time, it was my turn in the long line of rubber poo boxes. And guess which one was vacant – just in time.

Yup. Jacked Up.

I ever so barely locked Jacked Up. And God Shined Down Upon Me that morning when Jacked Up opened without trouble.

I ran to the starting line, found Chris, Joey and Heather, and explained about the horrors of Jacked Up – just before the r*ce began.

In the chaos of the starting line and my recovery from Jacked Up, Chris and I somehow got ahead of Joey and Heather. Chris kept looking back for them, but the crowd was too thick. So at the one mile mark, he gave me a choice.

“You can either take off and run as fast as you want, or you can go back with me to find Joey and Heather.”

“Um. You just said ‘go back’. What exactly do you mean when you say ‘go back’ and do you realize this is a r*ce?”

(Note: Chris is a much nicer person than me.)

“I just mean walk for a bit until we can find them.”

”Walk. In my first h*lf m*rathon. I love you and I love Joey and Heather but I CANNOT WALK.”

“Then go. Be free. Have fun!”

So I took off. And my Type-A-Competitive-Spirit unleashed within me as I began gleefully passing person after person, sizing them up to see if they were in my age bracket and hoping that they were. Every time a runner in front of me took a short walk break, I pounced upon them like a hungry Hyena discovering a nearly dead animal.

I’m a terrible person. A terrible, horrible, over-competitive person.

I quickly found out that I could not drink while running, and I refused to walk through the water stops. So I began skipping them.

Hydration is for sissies. And I had sissies to pass.

I finally allowed myself to walk for about thirty feet when my hip started hurting at mile 11, and then I walked through the final water break, despite the wretched feeling of my opponents passing on the left.

I finished at 2:14:39, in 473rd place. I so wanted to be first. But I was just barely (over an hour) late for that.

I received my medal, and all I could think about was how embarrassing it would be for any Auburn fan runners.

I’m surprised they weren’t yelling “Roll Tide” as we crossed the finish line.

Chris and I went back to our hotel room, which was on the University of Alabama campus, to de-salt our bodies. This was the point that I began to hurt.

No normal running aches and pains – no, not for me. I got the world’s most uncomfortable stomachache. Which turned our day in Tuscaloosa into a day in the hotel where I alternately napped, moaned, and googled appendicitis.

Apparently, you can shake a bowel loose if you r*n too fast.

We finally left for a while, when Chris bought me Pepto Bismol and a thermometer and repeatedly asked if I wanted to go to the ER. But it was sunset. And you can’t go to the ER during sunset.

While we were watching the sun set into Bryant-Denny stadium like an egg dropping into a frying pan, a red Ford Explorer careened by, hitting a light pole or curb as it did. A few seconds later, a police car flew through the same intersection, sirens blaring.

NO. WAY.

We were witnessing our first police chase.

More sirens clouded the air, and the Explorer only made it another couple blocks, where he {quite conveniently} crashed into a rehab center.

The excitement was palpable, and I’m sure the chase had nothing to do with the legions of fraternity parties going on just a block away, all of their stately colonial mansions enshrouded in security trash bags.

We went back to our hotel room and watched back-to-back Adam Sandler movies, listened to the frat parties wafting bad versions of “Uptown Funk” through the windows, and I laid, still in pain, insisting it would be better by morning.

And I am happy to report that shaken-up bowels absolutely do rearrange overnight – even on nights when you lose an hour to Daylight Savings Time.

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