So I wear leggings as pants.
Clearly, that came as a terrible shock to many of you – at least based on the comments, the Facebook conversations, and the in-real-life justifications I’ve had to offer since making my grand admission.
So, in an effort to regain your confidence, I’d like to present you with a few “At least I don’t wear these” items, compliments of HauteLook and Target.
(I realize that I’m simply yet again setting myself up for later recants, but surely not. Surely. Not.)
I may be wearing athletic leggings as pants now, but at least I don’t wear these.
“When leggings as pants aren’t edgy enough for you anymore, try hose as pants wrapped in brightly colored Ace Bandages!”
I cannot help but wonder the state of the crotch. Are we talking mummy-in-a-diaper or celebrity peek-a-boo?
If you prefer to mix and match your hosiery and metallic Lycra, there’s this variety:
* Note: anyone without thigh gap, which includes me and 99% of the world, will get exactly one wear out of these pants before getting a run in that frighteningly thin seam.
If you prefer to look like the Tin Man halfway through the shredder rather than C-3PO, they have you covered as well.
However. Any and all leggings ever made are better than a dropped-crotch pant.
Especially a dropped-crotch sweat pant. With heeled boots.
Because nothing says “I wear granny panties and Depends and maybe Pampers too” like a crotch that intentionally comes down to your knees.
Speaking of Granny Panties.
Can anyone explain to me why you want Granny in the front, party in the back?
If you’re going to wear a thong, wear a thong. If you’re going to cover the bottom half of your rib cage with your underwear, cover the bottom half of your rib cage with your underwear. You can’t have it all.
But let’s talk about what we’ve come here to talk about: What not to wear when running.
1. Don’t wear a sports bra that looks like it may have been hired to strangle you.
2. Or a sports bra that looks like it just finished touring with Lady Gaga.
3. In general, don’t give your boobs the opportunity to jump out the top of your top. It’s not good for aerodynamics.
4. Don’t wear pants that were upcycled from your fifth grade class photo backdrop.
Because no one needs flashbacks of their pimply tween face when they see your butt.
5. Don’t wear “pants” that look like you just escaped from a cult.
Because then everyone will assume you’re running from a bearded long-haired dude with 15 wives and 167 children, and you’ll be slowed down by dozens of offers to help.
6. Running skirts are weird. And they’re weirder still if printed with a 3-D Magic Eye poster from 1992.
After all, you don’t want to make other runners go cross-eyed trying to see your secret message. Unless you’re in a race. Then by all means make the other contestants trip.
7. Shoulder Peek-A-Boo is not meant for running. We’re running, ladies, not clubbing in Miami.
8. Unless you’re thighless, Dr.-Seuss-colored vertical stripes and spandex aren’t usually a good mix.
And most importantly,
9. Do not. I say DO NOT. Run. In a Thong.
I don’t care if it claims to be a performance thong.
So what if it says it wicks moisture. Exactly where do you think it’s going to send it?!
And you think your shoes rubbing your feet can cause chafing…you do not want chafing in the places a thong can travel.
And after a marathon, no amount of laundry detergent could make that thing sterile again. Assuming it doesn’t pop and smack you in the face on mile 22.
Let’s all just agree that VPL is okay when running – because the alternatives are deadly.
13 thoughts on “Things In Which You Shouldn’t Run.”
I have been a runner for a little over ten years now and the more years I’ve ran the more open I’ve become to the vast amount amount of clothing options available. In the beginning I wouldn’t have considered tights by themselves, who would do that!?!? Now I proudly sport them as well as short tight shorts even when treadmill running in the winter (they’re just more comfortable!). My outside gear has gotten increasingly geeky. From my belt (basically a fanny pack) to my reflectors when it’s dark outside (no, I don’t work construction) I wear what will keep me safe, happy and comfortable. May you have many more miles filled of pure awesomeness and when they aren’t, may you do your best to make it through!
My husband has that belt! I tend to make fun of him. ;-)
If I ever get brave enough to wear those tiny shorts, it’ll be a miracle. And my thighs will have had to shrink significantly.
The product name for some of these is amazing. Like stripper sport tank? Which is it? For strippers or sports?
Katie!! Strippers can do sports, too!! That’s what equal opportunity and Title IX acts are for!!!
As long as you PROMISE to never run in a sports bra! My kids always ask why that person is running in her underwear? I still don’t have a good response.
I keep meaning to answer this and I keep forgetting. The night after I read this comment, I dreamed that I was running in my sports bra.
Thanks. Thanks so much.
I don’t think I will ever understand any of the above clothing choices. Whether one is running in public or simply lounging in the privacy of their home, none of those should ever be worn! Especially a running thong…ouch!
This is all very good advice but you failed to answer one burning question: why is #3 called a stripper tank? Is that so she can run to her stripper job? Or perhaps run from it?
Oh well, no worries about the boobs popping out of that one top while running, clearly you got mixed up and were browsing in the wrong sport, per the description… :) excitedly awaiting THAT blog post!
Good grief, number 5 is just heinous. Someone is clearly trying to make harem/droopy-crotch pants a thing again, but I just can’t imagine anyone actually wearing those.
I actually kind of enjoy the school photo backdrop pants. But only for exercising. Or in my case, Netflixing and drinking coffee.
I totally laughed out loud at the 5th grade photo drop pants because YES I had that awesome backdrop! Those were the days. Haha :) I’m glad you don’t wear these! Some of them are seriously scary! But I guess for those elite few who weigh 90 pounds and run miles and miles every day they would work.
I saw a story on Good Morning America today that said ‘athletic leisure wear’ is the latest trend . . . My first thought was ‘yay, now my stay-at-home-mom wardrobe is socially acceptable’, still not sure I could do leggings as pants though. ;)