On Being Male.

Hi! Noah Here.

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So I guess you’ve been missing my guest posts, right?

Right??

Well, I’ve been busy.  Busy trodding down a path of an existential proportions, contemplating the meaning of life…as a boy.

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I’ve largely had to figure it out on my own, since The Sister Who Calls Herself Ali doesn’t even know the meaning of the word “mischief”,

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and the only other male in the house, The Servant Who Calls Himself Daddy, is so wrapped around her finger that … well – see?!?!

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Okay.  I’m not saying that he can’t be good for some good manly fun, too, but c’mon… fingernail polish??  DUDE.

I’m much more into cars and weapons, myself.

In fact, I recently discovered that The Servant Who Calls Herself Mommy is actually a kindred spirit in the latter area.

I was tearing apart her dressing area, as is my daily custom while she puts all of that colordey stuff on her face, and I MADE A DISCOVERY OF EPIC PROPORTIONS.

SWORDS!!!!!

 

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Right here under my nose all this time.  Medieval weaponry!!

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I slashed and I gashed and I flashed and in general brought havoc down on every living creature in my path.  I was a Knight of the Round Table.

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And then, upon further digging, I even found the matching shields!!!

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It was a prodigious day.

To go along with my preponderance of masculine tendencies, I’ve also come to prefer eating in a Paleolithic manner.

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But… as embarrassed as I am to admit this…I only have seven teeth.

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Seven teeth, no more, no less.  Seven being the number, which is enough to properly eat a stick of chalk…

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But, try as I have, not enough to even puncture a corn kernel.

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It bruises my male ego incalculably to divulge this next piece of data…

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But.  The Servant Who Calls Herself Mommy gives me Ali’s corn cobs…after she’s chewed them up.

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Repulsive, no?

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But I still can’t help myself.  Her leftovers are so.  Dang.  Tasty.

 

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Other than eating backwashed corn, my other manly pursuits have been drinking the shower water,

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Falling asleep sitting up, and then when The Servant was off guard for just a moment,

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Stretching my baby arms as far as I could and just barely reaching the epitome of copacetic pleasure, the wipe box.

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When she caught me, I turned on my irresistible masculine charm,

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And, as I handed her the wipe box, covered all of my evils with an innocent “uh-OOOOOH…”, which clearly promulgated to The Servant that everything was a complete misunderstanding.

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So clearly I’ve been busy. 

And I’ve only got dozens more ideas. 

The Servant Who Calls Herself Mommy?  She has absolutely NO idea what all I’ve got up my sleeves…and other garment openings.

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My Life On The Road.

Much of my childhood, unbeknownst to me, was centered around my Grandfather’s ongoing health and livelihood.

Sometime before I was born, the doctors told my Granddad that unless he got active and lost some weight, he would die very soon.  My Dad immediately began trying to figure out what he could do to get my Granddad interested in anything, and he decided on old cars.

Model T Fords, in fact.

And apparently, it was exactly what the doctor ordered.

Me and Granddad 2My Granddad, me in the middle of a belch, and my older brother JC who had clearly been shorn with a Tupperware bowl placed over the top of his head.

My Granddad lived to see me, many more grandchildren and great-grandchildren, and didn’t pass away until 2006 when I was pregnant with Ali.

Me and GranddadMy Granddad and I again.  Thanks, Mom, for those bangs.

Dad and Granddad’s lives revolved around buying, restoring, driving, adoring, and occasionally selling antique Fords.

T Model 18Covered bridges were a favorite destination on a Saturday drive.

This hobby significantly bled over into my own life.

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Besides being chauffeured in it when I was chosen as the prestigious Queen of my Brother’s baseball team, I remember a book report on Model Ts… a school presentation on Model Ts….learning to drive in a Model T (around the age of seven) which led to much confusion when there was no reverse pedal in a “real” car…and every family vacation that we ever took being a Model T tour.

T Model 11What?!? Tye-Dyed T-Shirt Dresses were SO cool back then.

We even ate from our Model T – Mom would prepare a batch of homemade Stromboli, wrap it in foil, and place it on the engine manifold.  We would head off in search of grand adventure, and when we got to where we were going, she’d pop it off of the engine and we’d eat our perfectly baked Stromboli.

(I had no idea that this was abnormal until recently, when a friend of mine refused to believe me when I offhandedly mentioned my Mom’s cooking methods.  I thought everyone’s parents utilized their vehicles as ovens in the early 80’s – I mean, Mom even had a cookbook for it.)

But back to Model T Tours.

You see, there’s this organization called the Model T Ford Club International.  It was mostly populated by unnaturally old northerners, but we were the token Young Southern members.  Mom and Dad were board members for a while, and even opened up their own chapter, the Heart of Dixie Model T Ford Club.

Every year, the MTFCI had a grand, week-long tour and road rally.  Which meant that you trailered your vehicle to that year’s location (the real Hard-Cores drove their vehicle across country to get there), you drove it around all week on rallies, scavenger hunts, and tours of locales and museums that only an octogenarian could appreciate, and you in general talked old cars, more old cars, and nothing but old cars.

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Which meant that I was bored a lot.

T Model 21My Kelly McGillis Top Gun Sunglasses made it all better, though.

This opportunity afforded me the opportunity to travel through 30 states and Canada and rack up the collection of many pen pals.

T Model 24Me, a Model T Tour friend, and my little brother Nick.

(What’s a pen pal? Well, that’s what we used to have to do before Facebook.  When you met someone out of state, you had to actually write them real letters – on real paper – and use a real stamp to mail it – and wait days or even a week for a response.)

We drove hundreds of miles in our Model T on those tours…it was bumpy, loud, windy, and quite comfortable.

T Model 14Clearly, there was no LATCH system for the installation of car seats.

On these annual tours, we spent five days each in the following places:

Wisconsin Rapids, Wisconsin,
Annapolis, Maryland,
Minneapolis, Minnesota,
Toronto, Canada (that trip was just my Dad and I),
Gulf Shores, Alabama (Yes, we actually hosted and put on that entire tour), and
Clear Lake, Iowa.

T Model 4My Dad and I in Canada.  Those aren’t bunny ears, it was a bandanna hair band.  Tied awkwardly at the top.  Mom wasn’t there, what can I say?

But the 1992 Iowa trip was definitively the end of an era.

It’s a two day drive to Iowa from Alabama.  So we set off in Dad’s ancient truck (two doors, no backseat, family of five – fun, no?) trailering the Model T.  Back then, kids could ride in the back of pickup trucks if you had a camper shell (or at least that’s what my parents told us), so we spent the two days sliding around the bed of the truck, trying to read books and do crafts and keep from mind-numbing boredom.

On the way up there, the truck blew a tire.  Dad fixed it and we continued on.

When we arrived, the plan was to camp on the hotel’s generous lawns with the rest of the tent campers.

But after the first night, the Hotel decided that we were tarnishing their lofty image, so they asked us to leave.

So we set off in search of a campground.

Then the Model T broke – like, BROKE broke – on our second day.

Which means that we got to drive the hundreds of miles of touring that was supposed to take place in the Antique car – in the truck, instead.

Because us kids just hadn’t had enough of the truck on the way up there.

We found a campground, along with the other tour campers, and we all set up for the night.  That night, there was an unbelievable wind and thunderstorm, tossing tents like tumbleweeds, and leaving those of us with our tents still in place sleeping in a foot of water.

So the next day, instead of fun tour stuff (in the truck), we headed to the Laundromat to dry all of our belongings.

At which time Mom set the dryer too high and melted my sleeping bag, giving it wormholes all over the inside that were surrounded by itchy, hard plastic.

We met a Pastor/Farmer’s wife at the Laundromat who offered to let us camp out in their barn, as it was supposed to rain all night long.

So naturally, we set off to the stranger’s house.

(Fifth night of sleeping somewhere different.)

Our tent had been destroyed by the rain storm, so we planned on camping out on the floor of the barn.

And of course, their barn was full of my biggest nightmare, giant cockroaches.

So I spent all night long in my itchy plastic sleeping bag frantically scanning the floor around me.

(Full Disclosure: My Mom says there were no cockroaches – that only us southern states are blessed with such things.  She says that I must have just been afraid that there would be cockroaches.  However, I distinctly remember cockroaches on those barn floors mere inches from my face.  I will leave you to your discernment to choose who to believe.)

On the last night of the tour, we were supposed to get taken home to dinner by a local family.  I was personally looking very forward to being in a nice, warm cozy house.

Each family found their pre-assigned match and headed off, one by one.  Then there were five families left, then four, then three, then two, then just us…

Because our family apparently got their times mixed up and never showed up.

Finally, it was blessedly time to go home.

Here we are, in front of the Cockroach Barn and the trailered, broken Model T, Mom and Dad totally faking smiles about the whole situation, and I’m holding my favorite part of the trip, a four week old Bunny, Jasmine (who turned out to be a boy), that I bought for $5 from the Pastor/Farmer and his Wife.

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(As an aside, Jasmine is the same bunny that had the intense pleasure of meeting my formerly blogged about Rabbit From Hell.  It was actually quite lucky for Jasmine that he didn’t turn out to be a girl.)

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So we piled up in the truck, anticipating two days of sliding around the truck bed and trying not to squish a baby bunny, which was far better than sleeping in Cockroach Barn.

Until somewhere around Nowhere, Kentucky.

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The axle on the trailer split in half.

Us three kids peeked out the window of the camper shell, watching and listening with both horror and fascination as my Dad totally and completely lost it.

In retrospect, I admire his ability to hold out for so long – I think day two would have had me flying back home.

But Dad – he stuck it out.  And although we didn’t go on another tour ever again, he has kept the family tradition alive.

TModel BMy Grandmother and her siblings, circa 1935

 

TModel AMe, my cousin Scott, my brother JC, and my cousin Nathan, circa 1986


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Cousins Eli and Andi, Ali, Noah, and cousin Tessa, 2011

Parenthood 2.0: The Response

Boy Child 1Oh look!! I finally got an answer from Tech Support regarding my Parenthood 2.0 issues and questions

Dear Motherboard,

Thank you for your email to our tech support department.  We will try to address all of your concerns and make suggestions for Boy Child 1.0 System Improvements.

Regarding the system crashes caused by running Boy Child 1.0 and Girl Child 5.0 simultaneously on the same Motherboard, this is not covered by your software support package.  Although we understand that many people choose to run these multiple programs congruously, they are not designed to do so.  Due to extremely intricate and unpredictable compatibility issues, multiple software packages that are run on the same Motherboard will always have some system conflicts.

However, here are some tips to try and help the issues you’re facing:

1. Try running Boy Child 1.0 on the Fatherboard after 5pm to lighten the server load and allow for a soft reset of the Motherboard.  However, this will activate the Jealousy function in Girl Child 5.0, so make sure that you rotate server load as needed.

2.  Activate The Tattletale Feature of Girl Child 5.0 to enable increased independent processing and prevent Boy Child 1.0 from causing severe system crashes or commandeering more of the operating system than it has the capability to handle.  However, depending on the font used within The Tattletale Feature, the Motherboard may identify the Tattletale Feature as Spyware and shut it down.  If this happens, simply run the Decrease Whininess function within the Girl Child 5.0 Tattletale Feature adjust the font from Curlz to Book Antiqua.

As for your other various issues with Boy Child 1.0, hopefully the following fixes will help.

It appears that a lot of your issues with Boy Child 1.0 are stemming from the Mobility Plug-In that you are currently using.  According to your system specs, you’re using Walking 0.04.  Remember that this Plug-in is still in Beta, and can cause serious issues until you upgrade to Boy Child 2.0.

Some of the issues documented so far with this Walking 0.04 Beta are:

a. Files disappearing from Fridge 4.0 and Bookshelf 3.0
b. Crashes in Coffee Table 9.0
c. Boy Child 1.0 procuring an Independence Trojan Virus that can cause multiple occurrences of the Blue Scream of Death when you try to quarantine said Virus.

(However, this Independence Trojan Virus can help with one of your other issues, which is transferring Boy Child 1.0 from a Laptop to a Desktop.  We recommend that you make this transfer before wiping the Virus from the system.)

(As a side note, it has been documented that this transfer can create an unexpected side effect within the Motherboard of a spontaneous running of Tears 3.5 and Sentimental 8.9.  Proceed with caution.)

Regarding your issues with getting the Blue Scream of Death when emptying the Recycle Bin, try running another process on Boy Child 1.0 simultaneously, such as a the Stuffed Animal or Squeaky Toy Functions.

Do not use compressed air on any areas of Boy Child 1.0.  If the Blue Scream of Death occurs when cleaning earboards and navelboards with Q-Tips, just leave them as they are.  Remember that no amount of dirt buildup will keep Boy Child 1.0 from running at optimal levels.

As far as the constant rebutts go, this is an unavoidable issue that will persist until you upgrade to Boy Child 2.5 and simultaneously run the Potty Training Plug-In.  DO NOT install the Potty Training Plug-In on an earlier version of the software or without backing up your system first – it can create severe system-wide file damages.

As far as installing Boy Child 1.0 on a Nursery Server, we hope to address this in later versions.  Just continue letting the Nursery Server administrator know that the crashes are very short-lived, and that you’re sorry for the damage to their network.

Regarding Boy Child 1.0’s Word Processing Skills, these are greatly improved upon the installation of Boy Child 1.9.  However, we recommend using the Sign Language 3.2 Plug-In until you are qualified for the software upgrade.

You are, however, qualified to upgrade to Boy Child 1.6 – this may help some of your issues.  Proceed with caution, though, as the spreadsheet functions get even more aggressive in the newer versions.

In fact, Boy Child software systems will continue to spread sheet throughout the network all the way up through the Boy Child: College Dorm version.

There have even been reported instances of the spreadsheet functions still exceeding their intended capacity in Boy Child: Newlywed Years.  Trying to minimize usage of spreadsheet functions in earlier versions can help prevent such extended issues.

As for the lack of Hibernate and Sleep modes when running Boy Child 1.0, we recommend that you turn off all system monitors overnight to allow for a hard reset of the Motherboard. Do not try to run any overnight programs, including system scans – this can cause severe slowdowns during the regular operating hours.

Regarding the Mute Function within Boy Child 1.0, we have found that placing an industrial-strength piece of Duct Tape over the speakers really helps.  Just make sure that you remove this fix before attempting to install Boy Child 1.0 onto a Nursery Server.

And finally, regarding the input and output jacks being mixed up: ALL jacks on all Boy Child software packages are two-way, especially when Marbles 5.2 or English Peas 8.5 are simultaneously run with Boy Child 1.0.  There is, unfortunately, no fix for this issue.

Sincerely,

Rajiv Gidwani
Technical Support Specialist

 

For the transcript of both parts of this conversation to read or share, click here.


A Foodie Conference, From the Non-Foodie.

Last weekend, I stepped out of my comfort zone (which is right here behind this computer screen) and attended the Atlanta Food and Wine Festival.

By myself.

Without knowing a single soul that would be there.

A bit intimidating, but also exciting.

I went because I love food.  I really love food.

But the minute I stepped into the first event, I knew that I was THE least educated person in the room.

Don’t get me wrong – I feel that I am a decent cook, and am also fairly knowledgeable about the wonderful places to get great food out in Birmingham.  However, I am not what you would call a “fine diner”.  When I see a menu that starts listing a dozen mysterious things that the food is braised, infused, rendered, and tempered with, I get scared and order the Tilapia.

{Insert Shame Here}

So yes, the curators of the event might at this moment be second guessing themselves for inviting me, but it’s too late now!

For our welcome to the conference, we had an unbelievable spread of antipasto (is that the word?) and artisanal cheeses.

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I was all nervous and dropped a blueberry, but managed to get a few things onto my plate successfully.

And, upon my first bite of cheese, I was questioning my entire eating lifetime up to this point.

And I knew then: This conference was not going to leave me the same.  I was either going to become (or aspire to become) a total Foodie of Anthony Bourdain proportions, or I was going to feel unworthy to ever partake of food again.

But back to this amazing cheese.

I think it might have been Brie (I do like Brie) but I really have no idea, and I certainly wasn’t going to ask anyone and get definitively labeled as The Conference Idiot first thing in the morning.

So.  If any of you more-foodie-than-I people out there can identify this cheese,

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then you might be responsible for some extreme weight gain in my future.

As I was eating, servers were walking around with other treats.  Most noticeably (at least to me), these ice cream sticks:

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I got one from the third row, right as a girl next to me got one from the top row.  She tasted it, and said “Ooh!! Is this Bleu Cheese?  Or perhaps Gruyère?”

“Mine just tastes like Ice Cream.”

And then I realized that I’d just let onto my Foodie Idiocy, but hoped she would think that mine was different than hers and really was just ice cream.

Until another person walked up, got the exact one that I had tried, and said, “Oh! I think this is Bleu Cheese!!”

I quickly slunk away before I could embarrass myself further.

…but it DID taste like Ice Cream.

The Festival is broken into several different elements: learning sessions, the tasting tents, and dinners and special events.

The learning sessions are much like learning sessions at any conference (like the ones I attend at BlogHer), except that you get to eat gourmet food while you learn about it.

(Perhaps BlogHer should consider incorporating this?)

I was excited about the first learning session I chose, because not only was it focused on Greek Dining, but it was curated by my favorite Atlanta restaurant, Kyma.

We learned about Greek Food, Wine, Geography, History, and techniques while we ate these amazing platters..

Creamy Eggplant Caviar, Raw Ahi Tuna, and a Tomato Chip on top, made out of tomatoes from Santorini, Greece.

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Lamb Shank with Trahana Pasta (Pasta made with sour yogurt and flour) and Fennel made five different ways,

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And for dessert, Banana Kataifi (banana wrapped in shredded filo glazed in Greek Honey) with flourless chocolate cake and yogurt sorbet.

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All three of these dishes competed as the best food that I ate all weekend.  They were stunning.

They also taught us all about Greek Wines, but as little as I know about food, I know exponentially less about wine.

He started out with “About these wines, I’m not going to be all heady and intellectual.  I’m going to be basic.  So….”

And that’s all I understood of the entire speech.

Later that afternoon, I checked out the tasting tents.  They contained endless rows of different Tasting Trails, which allowed us to sample how each southern region does a type of cuisine.

Tasting Tents Atlanta Food and Wine Festival

Dozens of amazing dishes were available for the taking.

On the Bar-B-Q trail, I preferred my hometown favorites, Jim N Nick’s, who were serving their Bar-B-Q Pork Taco.

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(I wrote more about Jim N Nick’s and what they are doing to revitalize the Southern Hog Farming Industry on Alabama Bloggers.  I promise – it’s fascinating.)

On the Southern Snacks trail, I fell in love with the idea of Pimento Cheese Stuffed Eggs by The Hungry Peach.

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Brilliant, no??  I will be stealing this idea for our next family get together.

On the Southern Sweets Trail, I was surprised by the delicious vegetable cookies from Cookie Underground.

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Other great offerings were fruit snacks done right,

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Fried Chicken,

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And seafood.

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(It was on the seafood trail, though, that I definitively decided to never eat mussels ever again.)

For dinner, I was thrilled to get to eat more food from Kyma.

I think I counted eleven courses in all.

Which means that I was there from 8:15 to nearly midnight.

Attempting to converse with strangers.

Like, small-talk style.

And I realized something about myself: I’m not one of those bloggers that is so excited for everyone to know I’m a blogger and shoving business cards as fast as I can.

In fact, I think I need a fake business card.  Because once I give you my business card, it kinda precludes my ability to blog about you, right?

Also, it seems that conference attendees are naturally wary of bloggers, as if they know that we want to blog about them.  One girl in particular wrote down my blog information with a very accusatory arch to her eyebrow, as if to say, “just in case you get any ideas…”

But luckily, I sat with two charming couples, one with which I had a lot in common (geekiness especially), and the other of which kept us laughing all night long.

(In a good way, of course.)

But both couples understood the plight of the blogger.  In fact, Geeky Husband begged me to blog about him – even if it was horrible and awful and embarrassing – just so that he could say he’d been blogged about.

(Consider yourself blogged.)

As for the rest of the guests… well, I’ll try to get those fake business cards before my next conference.

(Just kidding!!!)

(Kinda.)

Back to our meal.

The lighting was rather challenging for my poor camera skills, but I did manage to snag a couple of pictures.

One of our appetizers was Chris’ favorite Greek Dish, Saganaki (for which I gave you our recipe not long ago), topped with wild mushrooms and my first ever taste of Foie Gras.

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…so now watching Anthony Bourdain should make so much more sense.

And I broke my cardinal No-Oyster-Ever-Again rule because – hey – it was covered in Avgolemono and Caviar! It has to be good, right?

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The Avgolemono and Caviar were divine.

However, I am back to being a No-Oyster-Ever-Again type of girl.

The Octopus, however, was phenomenal.

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Yes, people.  Eat Octopus – you will be glad you did.

The next day, I excitedly went to a cheese session, hoping to rediscover my first bite of the conference.

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But, although these cheeses were quite tasty, they were not the elusive cheese I was looking for.

(Feel free to step in and tell me the name of my mystery cheese.  I know that one of you is foodie enough out there to identify it on sight.  Right??)

I had an amazing two days, learned a lot, embarrassed myself a little, and ate some dang good food.

Am I now a foodie?

I’m pretty sure that foodies everywhere would be horrified if I categorized myself as one of them.

But my eyes have been opened to the fact that, perhaps, when the menus get a little complicated, I should dive in, rather than just ordering the Tilapia.


Regarding Those That I Mother.

As a blogger, I find myself quite self-conscious about not drowning my corner of the internet with vast quantities of photos of my kids.

Despite the fact that I have really cute ones.

(Am I allowed to say that?)

But you know what?  Yesterday was Mother’s Day.  And the day before that, I wrote.  About important stuff.   And so I’ve decided that today I’m entitled a shameless, completely indulgent post full of photos of my kids.

So stop rolling your eyes.

(I’m talking to you!!)

And just give me this post for Mother’s Day.

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And, my favorite photo of the year so far, what happens when you try to photograph one child while holding the other child within arm’s reach of aforementioned photographical muse:

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So there you go.  Consider yourself drowned.

Happy Mother’s Day, from Time Magazine.

Time Magazine Coexist

You might have seen it by now.

You might have even seen it before it came out, like I did.

Time Magazine, in an apparent celebration of Mother’s Day, published the following issue on Friday:

Time Breastfeeding Cover

“Are You Mom Enough?”

The title immediately infuriated me.  The challenging, smug look on her face, the nannie-nannie boo-boo (no pun intended) expression on the half of his face that we can see…I was shocked and horrified.

…And I was immediately heartbroken for all of the mothers that would have their open wounds of Mommy Guilt seared with the acidic poison of this blaring statement.

Let me first beg you to believe that this concept is a fallacy.

Motherhood is not about achieving some nirvana of Completely Self-Sacrificial Devotion to your children.  Motherhood is already one of the most self-sacrificing acts of the human race as it is, without turning it into some Extreme Sports Competition of who can do it the hardest, most impressive way.

Whether we’re breastfeeding our soccer-aged son on the cover of a magazine or not, we’re ALL working with agonizing intensity to do what is best for our children.

Motherhood is about bringing your child up in the way HE should go, not in the way anyone else tells you it should be done.

Proverbs 226

Whether that’s breastfeeding until they’re three, not breastfeeding at all, letting them sleep in a crib, letting them sleep with you, or a myriad of other parenting decisions.

I read the article and all of it’s associated supplements, and surprisingly enough, none of it was offensive.

It was a biography of Dr. Sears, the founder of attachment parenting.  The author interviewed he and his wife, talked about their own upbringing and experiences that influenced their ideas, and then poked holes in many of his theories, as well as a bit of fun at some of his more extreme ideas.

The article actually leaned in the opposite direction of the cover.

But here’s the thing.  The cover, which is all that most Moms will ever see, tells a story of harsh, classist, guilt-ridden judgment that almost none of us are doing enough for our children.

And, thanks to the virility of this photo on the internet, there are going to be a lot of Moms barraged with the image this weekend, on a weekend that is supposed to be in celebration of Moms, and in appreciation of Moms.

Did Time Magazine think about the pain and heartache that a statement like this could inflict?

Did they think about how it would make Moms feel that physically couldn’t nurse their babies?

Did they think about how it degraded women who couldn’t get pregnant?  Or who were on the heartbreakingly intense roller coaster of fertility treatments?

We are hard enough on ourselves.

We are hard enough on each other.

We do not need the national media perpetuating our already existing Mommy Guilt – guilt that constantly hounds us, screaming in our ear that if we don’t do it a certain way, then we must love our kids less, and we will end up with detached drug-dealing seven-year-olds, and we ourselves will grow old lamenting our poor parenting job.

So here’s my plea.

Please remember this weekend that you ARE Mom enough.  That God has equipped YOU to raise your specific children, and that He has given YOU the instincts to know what is best for your child.

Listen to God, listen to yourself, listen to your husband, and take everything else with a grain of salt.  Or maybe a pound.

Dr. Sears, your friends, and your family might have good advice, but in the end, you and your husband are the only ones equipped to make the best decisions for your family.

Again I plea, let’s Coexist.  And that includes you, Time Magazine.

Happy Mother’s Day, Ladies.

You ARE Mom Enough.

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Typically 2,310 Miles Apart.

I’ve had opportunities to get to know several of you a lot better lately, and I’m loving it.

…Meridith has been, by request, making me aware of differences in dialect and habits between me and Australia.

…EleanorJane, my resident differentialist between New Zealand and I, just moved to England and, therefore, has a whole new set of interesting facts to share.

…and Kristin has been enabling me to reminisce on my college days, as she’s a professor at my alma mater.

(We were even able to put together that I took a class from her Dad 12 years ago!  I love our small big city.)

I’ve also had the opportunity to meet several of you in real life recently, which is nearly as exciting as Leo unveiling a new piece of Toenail Art.

…We stopped off in Greenville, SC on the way to our family vacation to meet Lindsay, who was an excellent tour guide for her awesome city.

…After years of tweeting, I was finally able to meet Brandi at our Alabama Blogger meet-up last week, as well as hang out with some of my favorite local bloggers, Jamie, Kat, Robin, Amy, and Matt, and a new local blogger, Michael.

…And our whole family has deepened our relationship with Giann, who has become our beloved babysitter, even scoring her own line item in our family budget.

In short,

I love y’all. 

All of you.

And those of you I don’t know yet, I love you too – in advance.

So it makes total sense that, last weekend, I packed up my whole family and drove to Atlanta to meet a Washington State blog reader and her family.

One of my longest blogging friends, R (who is wisely more cautious with her online identity than I), was on vacation with her husband, kids, Mom, and Aunt.  We’ve been in nearly daily blog contact for the last four years and have both always agreed that if we had happened to live near each other, we would be best friends.

So we knew that if either of us ever got even relatively close to each other, we absolutely MUST take the opportunity to meet.

They were flying out of Atlanta and back to Washington after a trip to Disney World and the Florida Gulf Coast, so we booked rooms next door to each other at an Embassy Suites in Atlanta the night before they left.

And, even though we had a 2.5 hour drive from Birmingham and they had a 7 hour drive from Orlando, they didn’t have to drive through Talladega…on race weekend.

That, my friends, is sacrifice.

A sacrifice that R clearly couldn’t comprehend:

Talladega

But, shockingly enough, we must have hit it at exactly the right time, because we were able to pass by without getting a single beer thrown through our window, or peed on by any dudes standing on the top of their campers yelling “yee-HAW go Number Ayety Ayete!!!” while they relieved themselves from the roof.

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At which point, Chris asked, “See, aren’t you glad I’m just a football fan?  I could drag you out to NASCAR on the weekends.”

“No, no you wouldn’t.  Because we would not be married if you were a NASCAR fan.  That would have clearly been a deal breaker.  Being a football-fan-by-marriage is very near the precipice, but NASCAR would have been over the cliff.”

But we finally arrived, and transforming our relationship from screen to IRL was as natural as I had always assumed it would be.

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…except for the fact that I am never more aware of how ridiculously often I say “y’all” until I’m around a bunch of people from Nonyall Country.

Y’all know what I mean?

We were able to take them to one of our favorite Birmingham-based restaurants, Jim N Nicks, that just happens to have locations in Atlanta.  After telling them everything that was delicious and southern and fabulous, I asked R my favorite question for visitors.

“What’s the weirdest thing y’all’ve noticed about the south?”

(Besides the word ‘y’all’ve’.)

“All of the ‘boiled peanuts’ signs along the highways!!”

“Oh – you mean the ones that spell peanuts ‘P-Nuts’?”

“YES!!! It only saves one character – why do they do that?!?”

“I’ve wondered that very thing myself for years.”

(And anyway, P-Nuts sounds like some manufactured, laboratory peanut, or perhaps  “made from peanut product” or something.  Buy peanuts, not P-Nuts, people!!)

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Ali and K are the same age, and they immediately bonded over pestering Noah.

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…something that he doesn’t seem to mind so much.IMG_2714

(Yet.)

When we left the restaurant, we had a 25 minute ride to the hotel.  Ali and K were already inseparable, so K rode back with us.

As we were getting in the car, Chris whispered, “I don’t know if I would be that trusting.  I mean, we just met these people, and they’re letting their kid ride with us?!  Wow!”

“Babe, R and I have been friends, talking daily, for four years.  We DID NOT just meet.  It just seems that way.”

“Oh.  Well, I guess that makes sense.”

At the hotel, they increased their closeness over technology.  Because that’s the medium that kids use these days to get to know each other, you know?

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(Well, at least that’s what her mother and I used.)

Meanwhile, Noah and S were also getting cozy.

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Later, the kids had a rousing game of Wolf and Sheep, where those ridiculous cylindrical hotel pillows actually came in handy – as a battering ram to protect the girls from the Big, Bad, One Year Old Wolf.

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Over the cacophony of our children, the parents also bonded – nearly as much as the kids did.  Chris and I kept them up way too late talking (as southerners tend to do) and then felt terribly guilty about it (as southerners also tend to do).

And it was sad for all to say goodbye.

Because that’s the thing about blog friends – it’s both wonderful and heart-aching all at once.  You make close friends that live thousands of miles away, and then you find yourself wishing with all of your heart that they could all move next door, immediately.

Yes, all of you.

Parenthood 2.0

Boy Child 1

Dear Tech Support,

I recently upgraded my software to Boy Child 1.0.  I’m also running Girl Child 5.0 and was previously running Boy Child 0.11 without incident, but upgrading to 1.0 seems to be causing some conflicts.

Boy Child 1.0 is constantly overrunning Girl Child 5.0’s processes, creating both programs to either freeze up or melt down.

Also, Boy Child 1.0 and Girl Child 5.0 are trying to utilize the same MOM Memory simultaneously, and this is causing system crashes and serious sluggishness in performance.

I am afraid that these issues could be frying the Motherboard.

But besides that, the new version of Boy Child seems to have some serious bugs.

First of all, I am getting the Blue Scream of Death when trying to perform several crucial functions within the program, such as emptying the recycle bin, removing small and/or sharp objects from the program, and even regular system maintenance.

For instance, quite a bit of dust build-up occurs in the program’s earboards and navelboards, but when I try to clean it out with Q-Tips, I almost always get the Blue Scream of Death, or  Boy Child 1.0 boots me out of the software.

Perhaps would it be more effective to use compressed air on these areas?

I am also having to perform constant rebutts, as Boy Child 1.0 seems to have some sort of system virus or malware that causes all sorts of random crap to smear across the screen.

I have found that Boy Child 1.0 performs best on a laptop, but I would really prefer to run it on a desktop.  Do you have any recommendations on making this transition any easier?

Also, what are the licensing limits to Boy Child 1.0?  I have been able to successfully install it onto other similar operating systems, but when I try to install it onto a Nursery Server, it crashes the entire network.

Clearly, the administrators of the Nursery Server do not appreciate the effect that it has on the rest of their programs.

Another issue I am having is that Boy Child 1.0’s Word Processing skills are drastically lower than Girl Child 5.0’s are, and even lower than when I was running Girl Child 1.0 Beta.  Do you have any updates coming soon to increase the Word Processing effectiveness?

The Spreadsheet function, however, is quite impressive.  Boy Child 1.0 can spread sheet throughout the entire network quicker than Girl Child 5.0 can process what is happening and spit it out into a Word Document.

Also nice is the extremely Hi-Speed network on which Boy Child 1.0 runs.  There are hardly ever breaks in connection, nor are there software outages.  However, Boy Child 1.0 does seem to have be non-compatible with the operating system’s Sleep and Hibernate modes, since it seems to constantly be uploading kilobytes and downloading megabytes.

I also cannot figure out how to use the mute function within Boy Child 1.0.  It wreaks havoc on the system’s speakers, often producing a loud screeching noise that is quite unpleasant.

(This often occurs congruously with the Blue Scream of Death.)

Finally, Boy Child 1.0 seems to have mixed up the input and output jacks.  It often sticks things into the nose jack, and expels things from the mouth jack.  It doesn’t seem like either of these should be two-way channels.

Any help that you can offer with these software issues would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

The Motherboard.


 

Dear Motherboard,

Thank you for your email to our tech support department. We will try to address all of your concerns and make suggestions for Boy Child 1.0 System Improvements.

Regarding the system crashes caused by running Boy Child 1.0 and Girl Child 5.0 simultaneously on the same Motherboard, this is not covered by your software support package. Although we understand that many people choose to run these multiple programs congruously, they are not designed to do so. Due to extremely intricate and unpredictable compatibility issues, multiple software packages that are run on the same Motherboard will always have some system conflicts.

However, here are some tips to try and help the issues you’re facing:

1. Try running Boy Child 1.0 on the Fatherboard after 5pm to lighten the server load and allow for a soft reset of the Motherboard. However, this will activate the Jealousy function in Girl Child 5.0, so make sure that you rotate server load as needed.

2. Activate The Tattletale Feature of Girl Child 5.0 to enable increased independent processing and prevent Boy Child 1.0 from causing severe system crashes or commandeering more of the operating system than it has the capability to handle. However, depending on the font used within The Tattletale Feature, the Motherboard may identify the Tattletale Feature as Spyware and shut it down. If this happens, simply run the Decrease Whininess function within the Girl Child 5.0 Tattletale Feature adjust the font from Curlz to Book Antiqua.

As for your other various issues with Boy Child 1.0, hopefully the following fixes will help.

It appears that a lot of your issues with Boy Child 1.0 are stemming from the Mobility Plug-In that you are currently using. According to your system specs, you’re using Walking 0.04. Remember that this Plug-in is still in Beta, and can cause serious issues until you upgrade to Boy Child 2.0.

Some of the issues documented so far with this Walking 0.04 Beta are:

a. Files disappearing from Fridge 4.0 and Bookshelf 3.0
b. Crashes in Coffee Table 9.0
c. Boy Child 1.0 procuring an Independence Trojan Virus that can cause multiple occurrences of the Blue Scream of Death when you try to quarantine said Virus.

(However, this Independence Trojan Virus can help with one of your other issues, which is transferring Boy Child 1.0 from a Laptop to a Desktop. We recommend that you make this transfer before wiping the Virus from the system.)

(As a side note, it has been documented that this transfer can create an unexpected side effect within the Motherboard of a spontaneous running of Tears 3.5 and Sentimental 8.9. Proceed with caution.)

Regarding your issues with getting the Blue Scream of Death when emptying the Recycle Bin, try running another process on Boy Child 1.0 simultaneously, such as a the Stuffed Animal or Squeaky Toy Functions.

Do not use compressed air on any areas of Boy Child 1.0. If the Blue Scream of Death occurs when cleaning earboards and navelboards with Q-Tips, just leave them as they are. Remember that no amount of dirt buildup will keep Boy Child 1.0 from running at optimal levels.

As far as the constant rebutts go, this is an unavoidable issue that will persist until you upgrade to Boy Child 2.5 and simultaneously run the Potty Training Plug-In. DO NOT install the Potty Training Plug-In on an earlier version of the software or without backing up your system first – it can create severe system-wide file damages.

As far as installing Boy Child 1.0 on a Nursery Server, we hope to address this in later versions. Just continue letting the Nursery Server administrator know that the crashes are very short-lived, and that you’re sorry for the damage to their network.

Regarding Boy Child 1.0’s Word Processing Skills, these are greatly improved upon the installation of Boy Child 1.9. However, we recommend using the Sign Language 3.2 Plug-In until you are qualified for the software upgrade.

You are, however, qualified to upgrade to Boy Child 1.6 – this may help some of your issues. Proceed with caution, though, as the spreadsheet functions get even more aggressive in the newer versions.

In fact, Boy Child software systems will continue to spread sheet throughout the network all the way up through the Boy Child: College Dorm version.

There have even been reported instances of the spreadsheet functions still exceeding their intended capacity in Boy Child: Newlywed Years. Trying to minimize usage of spreadsheet functions in earlier versions can help prevent such extended issues.

As for the lack of Hibernate and Sleep modes when running Boy Child 1.0, we recommend that you turn off all system monitors overnight to allow for a hard reset of the Motherboard. Do not try to run any overnight programs, including system scans – this can cause severe slowdowns during the regular operating hours.

Regarding the Mute Function within Boy Child 1.0, we have found that placing an industrial-strength piece of Duct Tape over the speakers really helps. Just make sure that you remove this fix before attempting to install Boy Child 1.0 onto a Nursery Server.

And finally, regarding the input and output jacks being mixed up: ALL jacks on all Boy Child software packages are two-way, especially when Marbles 5.2 or English Peas 8.5 are simultaneously run with Boy Child 1.0. There is, unfortunately, no fix for this issue.

Sincerely,

Rajiv Gidwani
Technical Support Specialist

 


The Sequel, Parenthood 2.1, can be found here.

 

She Has a Dream.

“Did you see this picture I’m working on? I’m an artist!”

“Yes, you’re a very good artist!”

“Well, I’m an artist now – while I’m a kid.  But I’m going to be a Princess Ballerina when I grow up.”

“Well, you can do the ballerina part, but probably not the Princess part.”

I immediately regretted my words.

I should be better about allowing her to believe in fairytales and impossible dreams!  I’m raising her to be way too much of a realist, and at five years old!  I’m a horrible mother.

“Why can’t I be a Princess?”

I’ve got to go with it now…

“You have to marry a prince to become a princess.”

“Well, I’m going to marry Ethan. I already know that.”

“Exactly.  And he’s not a prince.”

“But he could become one…”

“Nope.  He’s not a Prince because Miss Nikki and Mister Blake aren’t a King and Queen. You can’t just become a prince – your parents have to be a King and Queen.”

“But girls can become princesses!”

“You mean like Princess Kate that married Prince William – do you remember watching her wedding?”

“Yes – like her.”

“A girl can become a Princess by marrying a Prince.  But a Prince has to be a Prince first.  And, unfortunately for you, there are no Princes in the United States.  So you’re going to have to move to another country if you want to marry a Prince.”

“Okay then.  So what countries have princes?”

“Well, there’s England… and The United Arab Emirates… and I’m sure there are a lot of others.”

“Tell me ALL of the countries with Princes, please.”

I pulled up Wikipedia… Ah! List of countries by system of Government.

“Okay.  There’s Andorra…Antigua and Barbuda…Australia… – NOAH! Take that out of your mouth! – The Bahamas… Bahrain… are you getting all of these?”

“Yup.”

The list continues for some time while Noah repeatedly tries to use my distracted state to create mischief…

“Lesotho…Liechtenstein…Luxembourg…Malaysia…Monaco – NOAH! GET OFF THE COFFEE TABLE!! DOWN, BOY!! …Morocco… – have you decided where you’re going to go yet?”

“No – I think I’ll wait until  I grow up to decide.”

“Qatar…Saint Kitts and Nevis…Saint Lucia…Saint Vincent and the Granadines…Saudi Arabia… – but I don’t want you to go to Saudi Arabia, though – okay?”

“Why not?”

“Some men aren’t very nice to women in Saudi Arabia.”

“Okay – I won’t go there.”

(I mean…I personally am dying to visit Saudi Arabia, due to my complete obsession with the secrecy of it all.  However, I don’t think that I want my tiny daughter headed over there to score herself a Prince.)

“Tonga…Tuvalu…United Arab Emirates…United Kingdom…Vatican City… And that’s all of them!”

“Great.  Now can you write all of those down for me?”

“Um, no.  But I’ll read them to you and let YOU write them down.”

“No thanks.  Just keep that list for me.”

“Okay.  Let me know where you think you’ll head off to.”

“Okay – I’ll be thinking about it.”

And I sighed with relief.

Clearly, I did not destroy her dreams – she, like her father, just likes to have all of the facts clearly laid out so that she can plan ahead properly.

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So now the only question is, when she’s a Princess, what does that make me? The Queen-In-Law?  The StepQueen?  The Princess Mum?

I’m off to work on my crown.

What Happens in the Bank…

I’ve had to do a lot of banking lately.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m an accountant during naptimes.  And so I’ve recently needed to open up a few new accounts for a business.

Unfortunately, a stay-at-home-Mom cannot go into a bank branch during naptime.  So one has to take their two children along with them during a non-naptime period for that sort of work.

(This being more unfortunate for the bank than for me, but fairly unfortunate for me also, after I’ve taken a stupid breakable apple away from my one-year-old for the tenth time.)

(Why does a bank need breakable apples anyway?? This does not instill confidence regarding their financial stewardship abilities.)

Within this flurry of banking, the pinnacle of my banking discomfort occurred when I found myself sitting, waiting, dying, in a bank branch for an entire HOUR.

With two kids, one of which was sick, the other of which was hyped up on bank suckers.

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As an aside, this was also the same bank branch that once told me at the drive-thru, “Here’s a sucker for your daughter.  Sorry it took so long – I was trying to find one without hair on it.”

So change that to “hyped up on nasty hairy bank suckers.”

Noah was busy attempting to lick the office manager’s window with his paci still in and Ali was completely preoccupied with seeing how quickly she could skip through the length of the bank.

(What? Do you know how long it takes to run across a bank in the attempt to keep a toddler from licking foreign glass?  Don’t judge until you’ve sat with two kids in a bank for an hour.)

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Fortunately, this bank is completely unpopular (probably because of their hairy suckers), and, therefore, largely uninhabited.

However, the customers that did come through were…a welcome diversion to my current situation.

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Customer A: A Businessman, clearly having been playing golf that morning instead of doing business.

Scratch that.  A salesman.  I could tell by the way he walked in and warmly greeted my BABY.

He’s not a prospective client, dude.  Just a kid with a gallon of lime green snot leaking from his nose.  Move along.

So salesman went up to the counter, reached across the counter, and grabbed the male banker’s hand – not to shake, but apparently just to hold.

He continued his grip on Male Banker’s hand (as Male Banker clearly tried to pull away, leaving the salesman only three desperate looking fingers in his grasp) as he stated everything that he needed that day.

“Hi there!!  How are you guys doing today?? It’s lovely outside, isn’t it?  I need to make a deposit, and oh – I need to order checks.  Can you put in an order of checks for me?”

Male banker, still in grasp, answered, “Well, I’m working on something for her right now, but I’ll take care of it later.”

Salesman finally loosened his grip long enough for banker to escape, then he headed over to the female teller.

(She quickly secured both her hands beneath the counter.)

He loudly introduced himself while trying to reach something, anything over the counter, and, when he saw he wasn’t going to achieve handholding status with her, he finally left, but not without giving Noah another shot at a sales pitch.

The bank got relatively quiet again (except for the sound of Noah bouncing his head down the glass wall to make that weird skin-to-glass squeaky sound, and Ali begging me to let her out of the chair in which I had temporarily confined her).

Then a girl walked in wearing sweat pants and grasping a wad of cash in her hands.

She walked up to Male Banker (thereby stalling my transaction even further), and began chewing him out for standing her up last night.

“We were supposed to get a beer last night!! Don’t you remember?  You think you can just stand me up like that??”

“Uh, yes.  How about tonight?”

“You don’t get to be picky!! You think you can just choose when we get a beer???  No.  It doesn’t work that way.  I don’t want to get a beer tonight.”

“Um, okay.  How about next Tuesday?”

“(pouty) Okay fine.  Next Tuesday. (then suddenly thrilled) That will be awesome!!!”

She deposited her large wad of cash with the female teller, (as Male Banker was still working on my ridiculously timesucking needs), all while making small talk with Male Banker.

“So where do you think I should take Ben to get a beer?”

“You should take him to such-and-such bar.”

“No, he wouldn’t fit in there at all.”

“Oh.. I don’t know then.”

“Oh! And by the way, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time last night!  That was cool…”

“Um, I thought he already had?  Or is this a new boyfriend?”

“Yeah, this is a new one.”

“Oh.  Well, congratulations.”

She finished up her transaction, walked over and tickled my snot-covered baby with her man-juggling hands, and then left.

After an eternity of watching my children coat the lacquered furniture in sucker stick and snot wads, Male Banker called me up to the counter, and I hopefully ran up.

“I can’t open your account yet.  I need you to get signatures on this stack of paperwork first.”

“You mean.  I’ve been waiting here.  For an HOUR.  And you.  still.  won’t. take. my. money????”

At that moment, Noah came running up to me and wanted me to pick him up.  And as I did, the combination of his velocity transference and my intense banking dysphoria threw me off balance, and I fell, in flailing disgracefulness, flat on my back, with Noah landing happily on my abdomen.

Male Banker cautiously stood up and looked over the counter and onto the floor where I now laid…and just stared, silently and unfazed.

And then I realized: I was just another Bank Freak.