Rachel Callahan

Pig of the Month – Giveaway!

September 15, 2011September 13, 2011 Rachel Callahan Football and I have a Complicated Relationship, Giveaways and Contests

Football season has officially arrived.

Oh – you already noticed, huh? Me too.

I actually have not attended a game yet – Chris took Ali on a date to the first one, and the second was an away game. But my time will come – yes, my time will come.

We have, on the other hand, started watching the sport in plenteous quantities. And, if you ask my husband, it’s not really watching football unless there’s pork involved. Which takes a LOT of time at the grill for Chris.

So when Pig of the Month contacted me and wanted us to try their BBQ (and give some away to you), I could nearly feel the hours my husband’s of prep and grilling time fall back into my lap.

Score!!

Pig of the Month is a family owned business that treats Bar B Que with the same regard and passion that I treat Greek Food: they try it in every city they visit. After scouring the country for the best, they opened up their own business, right from their kitchen! They’ve brought together the best tastes of the country, and are now shipping them to BBQ lovers everywhere!

They have awesome gift options, including, you guessed it – a Pig of the Month Package.

(Think Christmas Vacation Jelly of the Month Club – except a gift that would actually thrill the male race!!)

But besides their monthly packages, they have many other special and customizable packages of ribs, pulled pork, sauces, sides – you name it!

Their package arrived at my doorstep, and I excitedly opened it, knowing that a gift of this magnitude was going to make me Wife of the Year when Chris got home.

I appreciated their thoroughness: including the Moist Towelettes was a nice touch.

But besides the cleanup accessories, they included everything we needed for a football feast: Pulled Pork, a rack of ribs, and extra sauce.

All that Chris and I had to do was warm it up – a glorious change, if you ask me!!

The pulled pork was my favorite – it was tender, extremely juicy, and had a wonderful sweet taste to it. The ribs were awesome also – smoky, spicy, and tender. I didn’t need the extra sauce, but Chris tried it and loved it – he said it was thin, sweet, and spicy. It reminded him of a long-ago discontinued BBQ sauce of his youth, and he informed me that we’d be ordering more soon.

Would you like some pork delivered to your doorstep?

If so, Pig of the Month has offered to send one of you their tailgating special!

This package includes everything you’ll need for a fabulous feast:

FOUR racks of Texas Style Ribs,
A big Bottle of BBQ sauce,
and TWO pounds of pulled pork.
And, of course, Moist Towelettes.

If you would like to win this awesome Package of Pig, simply comment on this post and tell me what your favorite football (or football-aversion) tradition is!

If you’d like extra entries, you can get up to four of them by:

Liking Pig of the Month on Facebook.
Following Pig of the Month on Twitter.
Tweet, blog, OR Facebook about this giveaway.
Follow me on Twitter OR Facebook

(be sure to leave separate comments for your extra entries.)

This giveaway is open until Monday, September 26th. The winner will be randomly selected and posted on my giveaway winners page on Tuesday, September 27th.

Good luck!!

The Day He Received His Third Nipple.

September 13, 2011September 13, 2011 Rachel Callahan A Day in the Life, I embarrass myself just for your amusement., Just My Luck, Parent of the Year, Storytime, Weird Strange and True

Chris, upon changing Noah’s clothes for bed…

“Um, how did Noah get a third nipple?”

Well, you see, it’s a long story, babe.

It all started with a successful mall trip.

Too successful, really – I should have been suspicious of the trouble headed my way. I had managed to make it to two stores that I needed to go to, return two items to said stores, score a pair of $1.99 pajamas for Noah, let Ali spend some money she’d been saving, meet our friends and NONE OF OUR FOUR KIDS EVER CRIED, eat lunch, AND have a first two-kidded carousel ride – again with the no crying part.

Yes, successful indeed. I walked out of the mall, patting myself on the back while applying my SuperMom badge.

We arrived at the car and I parked the stroller beside it to begin the grueling process of loading two kids, baggage, and a stroller into the car. Right as I initiated my stroller emergency brake, a lady in scrubs walked up.

Wait a minute – those aren’t scrubs.

That, my friends, is a scrubs-colored pant suit – scrubs-blue from head to foot, and not because it was her required uniform.

Wow.

As I was pondering her wardrobial choices, I realized she was headed for the car directly next to mine. To which my stroller was blocking the way.

Of all the hundreds of cars in this parking deck and thousands of cars at the mall in general, and she HAD to be parked in the one right next to me, ON the side that I was utilizing for child loading. Awesome.

Augh. I had a lot of unloading and shuffling to do to get out of her way.

Ali in the car.

Bags in the car.

Purse in the car, WITHOUT the keys – keys in my hand.

So far so good.

She was waiting patiently, not yet tapping her OHMYGOODNESS HER SHOES MATCH HER PANT SUIT foot, but I could tell the tapping was gonna start any minute.

I started getting faster.

I pulled Noah out of the stroller, but his paci clip got hung on his stroller and ripped off.

Now I was holding Noah, paci clip, and trying to figure out how to close the stroller one-handedly to get it out of her way – foot tapping would NOT wait for me to put Noah in the car first – I could sense it.

I had to ditch something, so I quickly reapplied the paci clip with the zero free hand that I had.

This was the wrong decision.

Noah immediately looked shocked and started crying – dang it!! What have I done?!?!

I unclipped the paci clip, frightened at what I thought I did.

I lowered his shirt and looked.

I had indeed. I had clipped his paci clip one layer too deep.

Thoughts started flooding my mind…

I AM A HORRIBLE, DESPICABLE, NO GOOD MOM.

…but wow – that looks exactly like a third nipple.

I AM AWFUL, DESERVING THE DEEPEST DEPTHS OF PUNISHMENT.

I wonder how long he’ll have a third nipple from this incident…and will he name it Nubbin’?

I AM THE SCUM ON THE BOTTOM OF A SCUM’S SHOE.

I can’t believe a paci clip company could make such a dangerous product…after all, it’s all their fault, right?

NO NO NO. IT’S MINE. ALL MINE. I DESERVE TO BE EATEN BY R.O.U.S. WHILE BURNING IN A FIRE SWAMP.

I still can’t believe how much that looks like a nipple. The design of that paci clip jaw is uncanny.

I finally managed to close my gigantic stroller zerohandedly, comfort my baby about his new feature, and get tri-nippled baby into the car.

Did I just hear a foot tap?!?

I glared at her car through my window. I hope you’re happy with the price I paid!!

(Or Noah paid, rather.)

…And that, dear husband, is how your son got his third nipple.

A Compromise of Morals.

September 12, 2011September 13, 2011 Rachel Callahan Denim Drama, Don't Listen to my Fashion Advice, Newbornities

I swore that I would never do it.

Besides the commercials being completely and absolutely disturbing,

They were voted, by you, to be Mom Jeans.

And they are – Mom Jeans for Babies.

The washed denim – horrifically 80’s.

The Pocket Placement – deplorably Bill Blass-esque.

(If your pocket gets lost in a wedgie, you MIGHT be wearing Mom Diapers.)

But when Chris found out we were having a boy, he told me I had to do it at least once – I HAD to put him in Denim Diapers.

Stupid looking fake fly and all.

I held out as long as I could. But then my guilt got the best of me.

I ran out of diapers last week, and my order from Amazon wasn’t going to be in for a few days.

I scoured Target for a diaper price that wouldn’t make me shudder. There was one last box on the clearance endcap – denim in styling – they were apparently about to be discontinued for the season.

I sighed deeply.

I picked them up, squashing my inner Anti-Mom-Jeans screams of agony.

When I met up with Chris on the other side of the store, I announced my good deed, expecting great applause and appreciation.

“I did it. I finally did what you told me I had to. I got Denim Diapers.”

“What? I said that?”

“Yes. Don’t you remember? You told me I had to – just once.”

“Nope – I have no recollection of that. But now that you mention it…”

DANG IT.

Sorry, son.

But at least Long Butt looks cute on you.

Frequently Asked Idiocies.

September 8, 2011September 8, 2011 Rachel Callahan "Deep" Thoughts by Rachel, Uncategorized, Utter Silliness

After 54 hours, our power was thankfully returned to us late last night.

During those 54 hours, I had nothing better to do than repeatedly dial Alabama Power’s automated system enough to crash their server. I also checked out their website, and in said process, I read their FAQs.

I discovered that their frequently asked questions are, apparently, asked by people so delirious from their lack of power that they have lost all common sense – nay, they have lost all intelligence.

Despite the awesomely ridiculous questions, Alabama Power’s answers are lovingly patient and have the aura of parental affection in their careful explanation. But I cannot help but read between the lines of their overly explanatory answers and see what they’re really thinking – I believe that they’re having a completely different dialogue in their head.

Which is why I chose to rewrite their answers during my hours in the dark.

In bold are the actual, real, sadly most frequently asked questions, according to Alabama Power…

Does Alabama Power turn off power before a storm?

Alabama Power actually answers, “No. When a major storm strikes, Alabama Power’s computerized system keeps up with the lines and substations that go out of service… If power were turned off, Alabama Power would have no idea where the major damage was and restoration would be slowed…”

What they wish they could say:

Thank you for that wonderful question. I am now marking your account with the notation of “conspiracy theorist”.

You DO realize that we want to make money here, right? But, more importantly, we don’t want our houses bombed by all of the maniacal Spann fans who await with great anticipation for a storm event so that they can drool all over their television, swooning over his adorable suspenders and rolled-up sleeves.

While we’re at it, we’ll go ahead and fill you in: Yes, man really did walk on the moon, no, our government isn’t run by UFOs, and no, Elvis does not live on a remote island off of Antarctica.

Geez, people.

Should I stop the crews in the bucket trucks to let them know my power is out?

Alabama Power answers: “No. While Alabama Power line crews are happy to assist customers where possible, stopping them to ask questions or make special requests only slows restoration.”

What they wish they could say:

You know how you shouldn’t look a flying bird in the eye for fear of getting a gift in said eye? The same goes for our guys in the bucket trucks, as we arm them with bucketfuls of the wet and lumpy variety of bird crap to toss down on anyone that feels the need to inform them that their power is out. They know.

Why are crews leaving my neighborhood when the power is still out?

Alabama Power explains: “Be assured Alabama Power crews are not leaving because it’s “the end of the work day”. Crews could be leaving for a variety of reasons: they need to pick up more supplies to continue restoration; conditions have become unsafe; or the problem needs additional work.”

…or MAYBE they’re leaving because you went out to tell them your power was out, and they made the logical decision to restore power to other less annoying neighborhoods first. Or maybe they ran out of bird-crap-filled bowls.

Should I call Alabama Power every day that my power’s out to make sure the company knows I don’t have electricity?

Alabama Power responds: “Following a severe storm with widespread power interruptions, customers should wait a reasonable amount of time before calling…the company knows where the power is out due to it’s automated system.”

What they wish they could say: We know you’re going to call every half hour anyway, so by all means – call to your heart’s content. We’ve front-loaded our system with enough automation to make sure that you never reach an actual human in the process, so have at it!

But you might like to know: the reason that the estimate backs up every time you call is because we’re marking you and your ridiculous number of phone calls, and each call costs you one hour of unrestored power. See ya next month, suckers!!

If my home has structural damage, can’t Alabama Power go ahead and turn power back on before repairs are made?

Alabama Power Explains: “No…As a general rule, a licensed contractor must make repairs and an inspection permit issued by the county before Alabama Power can restore electricity to a damaged structure.”

What they mean is: We would LOVE to wire your house back up and fry you to another state, but then we’d get sued by your slightly smarter relatives, so we’ll refrain.

Will my account with Alabama Power be credited for the time I was without power?

Alabama Power (oh-so-patiently) points out the obvious: “Alabama Power customers are only charged for electricity they use; it’s not like cable television service, where you pay a flat, monthly fee whether you watch the cable channels or not. Therefore, if your power is out, you will not be charged for it.”

What they’re totally thinking is:

While we can’t accurately charge you for power consumed during your outage period, we do request that you submit a report of your battery and generator usage so that we can bill you appropriately for alternative power sources.

Thank you, Alabama Power, for my restored electricity, my restored sanity, and your fabulously entertaining FAQs. You kept me alive with them during my darkest hours, and for that I am eternally grateful.

The Nature Channel Presents: The Blogger in Peril.

September 7, 2011September 7, 2011 Rachel Callahan Blogging: the therapy., Just My Luck

See the indigenous blogger, trapped like a ravenous wild dog in a one foot cage, slowly losing her mind. See her as she begins talking to her child’s balloon, wishing in vain that it was a Volleyball with a face painted on it.

This blogger is on her third day of having no power. This tragic and hazardous environmental condition is a sad result of Tropical Storm Lee’s violent winds and rain that ravaged her village on Monday, knocking down countless trees and power lines.

One would think that living four hours inland would protect this blogger from tropical storms and such, but one would be wrong.

See that she has begun to lose hope. The elusive sighting of an Alabama Power Bucket Truck has become her Loch Ness Monster, her proof of WMDs – she’s quit believing that it could ever actually happen. She has even almost quit jumping up and running to the window when she hears a diesel engine, because the crushing disappointment of seeing the FedEx man instead is too much to bear.

This indigenous blogger is not nearly as bad off as she could be, though, thanks to the help of a small generator. The Scientists studying the habits of the indigenous blogger have been able to discern a lot about their needs by observing what the generator is being used to power: the refrigerator, the coffeemaker, one light, a cell phone charger, her child’s noisemaker, and wi-fi.

Watch the blogger as she paces in front of her full and beginning-to-smell dishwasher, wishing there was some way to hook it up to the generator.

See the blogger as she tears at her clothes and gnashes her teeth, refusing the idea of washing the dishes by hand.

Turn away from your computer screen so that you don’t see the blogger pluck a dirty spoon out of the dishwasher with which to stir her coffee.

Watch the blogger’s misery as her inbox piles up and her comments go unanswered. The guilt – oh, the guilt.

Observe the blogger as she slowly wilts away, the darkness of her home grabbing her and engulfing her…

HEY! IS THAT A DIESEL ENGINE??

CURSE YOU, UPS!!!!

Meanderings About 30.

September 6, 2011September 5, 2011 Rachel Callahan "Deep" Thoughts by Rachel, Blogging: the therapy., Every Now and Then I Can Be Sappy Too., The Blissfulness of Life

(Alternately titled: A Completely Self-Indulgent Egomaniacal Post About Nothing But Me.)

A few weeks ago, upon meeting someone in real life for the first time, they told me,

“Wow! You look so much younger in person than you do in your twitter picture!!”

Thanks!

Hey waitta minute … how old have I been looking???

Is the entire internet looking at me and thinking “Wow, she should have really stuck with that face cream regimen” ?!?!

I know, I should have stuck with the face cream regimen, but that’s beside the point.

(I hate greasing my face up, what can I say.)

Anyway. After getting on Twitter and bemoaning my ancient looking self, my blogging friend and fabulous photographer, Amy, ever-so-kindly (and tactfully, not pointing out how awful my former self-shot photo really was) offered to take some photos of me.

Being that I’m used to taking pictures and not being taken, it took a little bit of time to stop feeling so. dang. awkward.

But Amy was wonderfully gracious with my complete inability to pose, and thankfully told me exactly what to do.

She also managed to catch a couple of the kids and I,

Including one that epitomized the constant multi-directional pull of two kids.

I love that photo.

And I know, all you Moms of five kids are thinking “You should see what my photo would look like.” And I would like to see that photo – very much.

While I was going through these pictures, I had a nasty realization: these would probably be the last photos taken of me in my twenties.

In a month, I’m leaving this decade forever, something I’m having a little less than a joyous attitude about.

(October 9th, in case you want to send flowers…or a sympathy card.)

Up until my last birthday, the joy of having a day, week, month, or however-long-I-could-stretch-it-out all about me completely outweighed the pain of aging.

… but I don’t feel like a thirty-something.

And really, maybe no one does. Maybe we all stop aging in our minds somewhere around 25, and never re-catch up to ourselves. But there was just something illogically wonderful about feeling “the same age” as a 20 year old based solely on the fact that we had the same first digit.

So I went back to see what I looked like before this decade.

Six months before I turned 20,

One month before I turn 30.

Besides the obvious lack of tan and a few wrinkles here and there, the last decade has been good to me.

Too good, really. And I don’t mean to my wrinkly face.

Here’s the real deal:

My teens gave me him,

My twenties gave me them…

How could my thirties possibly compete??

Worlds of Nightmares.

September 4, 2011September 4, 2011 Rachel Callahan Kids: The Experience., Weird Strange and True

“The worlds of imagination and knowledge that it will open up for her are endless!!”

Chris said, trying to convince me to teach Ali how to read.

“Once you know how to read, you can teach yourself almost anything!”

I didn’t want to.

She had just turned four, and had rebuffed every effort I’d made thus far to teach her to read.

But being the submissive, agreeable, eager-to-please, nearly perfect-in-every-way wife that I am, I set out to make my husband’s wishes come true.

And, surprisingly enough, Ali must have gotten the memo. With a little help from a program that got her interested in the idea, she quickly picked up the first concepts, and the idea of being able to read anything got her excited to learn more.

In an effort to help, my Mom pulled out a bunch of old, dusty reading books and gave them to me.

“They’re old, but they’re good – they have different levels, and every word in the book is based around a particular reading concept.”

So Ali and I began to read these books.

And immediately, I saw Chris’ point – there were most definitely worlds of imagination that these books were opening up for her.

First, there was the one where Dad was waxing the car, and then the cat jumped on it…

Okay. So Dad has a temper.

Then we got to the next page…

“Mommy!!! IS DAD HITTING THE CAT?!?!?”

“No, baby… I’m sure he’s just petting him.”

“THEN WHY IS THE CAT CRYING?!?!?!”

“I think he’s just wiping his eyes. Maybe he was cutting onions or something.”

Awesome. Nightmares from our reading books.

Sam the cat continued his pitiful journey, streaming tears around the block.

But, besides animal beating, Ali learned quite a bit from these old books.

Like, for instance, she learned how quickly you can tan:

And, apparently, change your ethnicity in the process.

Also, she learned that Blue Jays are violent creatures that should be avoided at all costs.

And, just in case Ali needed any more ammunition to fuel her belief that bicycles were dangerous contraptions, there was this story:

Hey – at least Sheldon didn’t CRUSH HIS HAND.

And really, what four year old doesn’t need the lesson of the dangers of fireworks?

Yes, Ali, Fireworks can indeed leave you and your pets in a bloody, mangled mess.

However, touching freshly sharpened axes with your fingertips, this is not dangerous at all!

But there were some useful lessons, too – such as, how to get the cat pee out of your sand box:

And also, something that every kid needs to know – what time Star Trek comes on.

But yes, Chris was right. With the worlds of imagination these books have opened up for her, she’ll have the emotional fortitude to tackle Stephen King by next week.

The Euphoria of Burlap to Cashmere.

September 2, 2011September 3, 2011 Rachel Callahan Delicious Greekness, Storytime, The Blissfulness of Life

I had a moment of indescribable elation this past Wednesday.

I was on my way to get my hair cut, enjoying one of those solo car rides I just talked about with my Pandora blasting music, and I was loving every song it was choosing.

Thumbs up, thumbs up, thumbs up.

Then a very familiar voice came on.

That sounds like… but I don’t know that song – it couldn’t be!!

I picked up my phone and looked.

It was.

Burlap to Cashmere?!?!?

How could it be… there’s no way!!

~~~ Backing up 12 years… ~~~

I’ve told the story of how Chris and I met, became best friends, and eventually fell in love all while playing together in a “band” (and I use that term loosely).

1999 – it was a fabulous year, completely centered around playing and listening to music, including both Chris’ original songs and other artist’s music.

But at the very core of that year was Burlap to Cashmere.

A couple of months before I joined the band, I had rather accidentally discovered this fantastic band. They only had one CD, if you didn’t count their small sampler album. Their sound was unlike anything I’d ever heard – a melding of Simon and Garfunkel, Greek folk music (and thereby extraordinarily appealing to my Greek blood), and modern rock. The guitar riffs were mind-blowing – I played classical (finger-style) guitar, so I was familiar with the coordination and speed that it took to play like that, but I absolutely couldn’t imagine how anyone’s fingers could move that fast.

One of the first things I did when I joined the “band” in February of 1999 was pull out my Burlap to Cashmere album. Chris immediately fell in love with them too, an early sign of our perfect compatibility.

We began to stalk the band together. In May, they came to Birmingham. We went to see them at the former 5 Points Music Hall, taking my brother JC along with us. Chris and I were “just friends”, but there was definitely some magic that happened at that concert as we were pressed directly up against the stage, obviously lacking the acceptable amount of social distance between us that is to be expected for said status of just friends.

(My poor brother, awkwardly forced to witness his little sister’s budding romance.)

Chris and I were both completely in heaven for the opportunity to see this phenomenal and seemingly impossibly complex music played live…and also for the opportunity to stand so close to each other.

(Sorry, JC.)

In June, despite the fact that I was already well aware I was going to marry Chris, we were still “just friends” (something about Chris being 22 and me being 17 and him feeling horribly guilty for being attracted to a “kid”), but we were unquestioningly the best of friends. For my High School graduation present, Chris got us tickets to AtlantaFest on the day that Burlap to Cashmere would be playing.

For some strange reason, my parents allowed me to leave town with this old guy, and we spent the day going from concert to concert, all ending in the with the perfection of yet another surreal concert by B2C, within a month of the first, again, in the front row, up against the stage.

Although Chris somehow managed to not allow himself to admit it for another month, there was no longer any doubt that we were in love after that trip. Burlap to Cashmere’s song, Eileen’s Song, became the answer to the cheesy teenage question, “Do you guys have a song??”, and the fabulously romanticized memories of going to those concerts together in that magical we’re-completely-in-love-but-haven’t-admitted-it stage of life forever sealed Burlap to Cashmere as the soundtrack of our relationship.

And, just like untimely deaths of musicians only make them more infamous, the breakup of Burlap to Cashmere in 2001 (the year we got married), before they even had the chance to make another album, only made those few songs more special to us. We researched their whereabouts endlessly, but all we ever found was their statements that they would never get back together, and no matter how hard we tried to wish them back into existence, it wasn’t going to happen.

For the past 10 years, we’ve pulled out that one perfect CD, Anybody Out There? , any time we wanted a wistful, romantic reminder of our youth. I literally wore my copy completely out and had to buy another CD. When you ask either of us what our favorite artist is, we still unwaveringly name them – a band that lasted all of three years and has been dead on the table for the last decade.

Their lead singer, Steven Delopoulos, came out with a couple of solo albums that we quickly gravitated to, but without his cousin’s amazing harmonies and guitar impossibilities, it wasn’t quite the same. It was somewhat like a blurry dream of what had been, but nevertheless, a dream was better than nothing.

~~~ Back to Wednesday. ~~~

Considering that I know all twelve Burlap to Cashmere tracks backward and forward, the sensation of hearing a new song was quite world changing. I quickly did a Google search, and found out the news I’d always wanted to hear: they were back together again!! And they just came out with a new album a month ago!!!

I called Chris, nearly hyperventilating with excitement. We both downloaded the new album immediately, and I begged him to become a groupie with me, easily convincing him that nothing would be better for us than to quit our day jobs and travel around the country, rekindling our stalking of B2C.

(Fortunately for our kids, they’re not on tour yet.)

The only way I can describe the sensation of that moment of discovery is that all of the feelings of romance from our “just friends”, dating, engagement, newlywed, and married days were combined and rekindled afresh in an instant. All that I wanted to do was put the kids to bed, crank up their new album, light some candles, and cuddle up on the couch with Chris.

It’s powerful stuff, people.

So if you need us for the next few days, we’ll be in a state of constant euphoria and complete romance. We’ll get back to you.

Editor’s Note: Burlap to Cashmere released their tour dates the night before I published this, and they will be in Atlanta (2.5 hours away) on my birthday. Obviously, this was meant to be. And it made present shopping really easy for Chris. So we will be having an Atlanta date next month and resume our romantic, stalkerish behaviors of Burlap to Cashmere!

Mommy Benefits Package.

August 31, 2011August 31, 2011 Rachel Callahan Kids: The Experience., Newbornities, The Unions of Family, Utter Silliness

United Mommy’s Union (UMU)

New Policies and Announcements

August 2011

Dear UMU Members,

I hope that you have all had a wonderful summer full of perfectly behaved children who spent their days idyllically reveling in their summer vacations, but are now thrilled to be back in school and studying up a frenzy. Right?

We realize that we have not been in touch with all of you union members in far too long, but that’s due to a frightening lack of opportunity to communicate due to increased demands from the UBU and UKU. However, we bring good news with today’s subject matter.

We’ve been in talks with the various unions, including the United Baby Union, United Toddler’s Union, and United Kid Union to make some long-overdue modifications to your Mommy Benefits Packages.

We’ve worked very hard to fight for your rights, including enduring some pretty severe sleep strikes.

But we’ve fought back, as well. As most strikes go, we have been involved in an embroiling battle of manipulation, concessions and threats, and removals of privileges.

For instance, when certain members of the United Baby’s Union went on sleep strike after trying apple juice for the first time, we fought back with a new rule: they are never, ever, ever, ever EVER allowed to have apple juice EVER again.

Okay, fine. That’s not very realistic. When they go to college, they can experiment with apple juice.

But that’s beside the point. Let’s get to what everyone really cares about: Mommy Benefits Package Amendments.

We all know that the Mommy Benefits Package is pretty slim in some areas. Vacation days are hard to come by, and the idea of sick days is nearly laughable. Lunch Breaks are more like Lunch Labor, and afternoon nap breaks are spotty at best. Although we cannot fix some of these larger issues, we have tackled some of the smaller ones – ones that, although seemingly inconsequential, can still greatly increase quality of life.

One particularly malodorous Mommy Task is the job of butt-wiping, so we have tackled this issue with all hands in, in a manner of speaking. This job includes diapered butts and potty-trained-but-not-yet-thorough-at-wiping-one’s-self butts. Although the first type can be, to some degree, wiped at our own discretion when it comes to timing, the latter is typically an on-demand service.

…which can have particularly poor timing.

So, although we acknowledge our unavoidable duties in this area, we have asked for one concession from the United Kid’s Union: That, in the case that we are in the middle biting into a delicious morsel of food when we receive the I poooooooped!!! Come Wiiiiiiiipe Me!! call, we are allowed to finish chewing AND swallowing said bite before answering the call.

And, in the case of the diapered butts, we have also requested a concession. Although we at the UMU understand the deliciousness of canned Mandarin Oranges, and can even concede to them being a favored food demanded at every meal, we do ask that the members of the UBU be kind enough to better crush the individual orange capsules with their gums before swallowing. This will help prevent the especially foul sensation of orange capsules bursting from beneath a wet wipe when being cleaned from the other end.

Gag.

In other feeding-related items concerning the UBU, we have requested that they make a more improved effort to spit out their food everywhere, rather than just focusing on the hard-to-clean crevices of their high chair, sleeves, and thigh rolls.

And, although we agree to share our hard-earned dark chocolate fudge ice cream with them, we request that they not subtly drip it down their thigh, thereby making everyone that sees them for the rest of the day gasp in horror at what appears to have dripped out of their onesie and been allowed to dry onto their thigh.

And finally, we have fought and won the battle for a moment of Mommy respite. Although the thought of achieving solitude for every Mommy bathroom break made the UTU and UKU laugh out loud, we did achieve a compromise: they agreed to allow one out of every ten Mommy Bathroom Visits be unaccompanied and uninterrupted, and even with the door closed. Fabulous, no??

These Mommy Benefits Package Amendments are going into effect this month. If you have any particular items of future amendment interest, please submit them below for further union negotiations.

New Music by Mat Kearney – Giveaway!

August 30, 2011August 30, 2011 Rachel Callahan Giveaways and Contests

Do you remember that invigorating feeling of being sixteen, driving by yourself for the first time, and cranking up your favorite song as loud as you JollyWellPleased?

The freedom – the excitement – the independence.

Being a Mommy can really help you appreciate those moments all over again, because now I have that exact same feeling every time I get in the car to go somewhere – when by myself.

I pop out that kid’s CD with relish, and with a thrilling feeling of self-importance, put in any CD that I would like to listen to, knowing that NO ONE is going to request anything different, quieter, louder, or even ask for a deep explanation of the meaning behind the song.

The freedom – the excitement – the independence.

I received the new Mat Kearney CD in the mail right before one of these rare jaunts by myself, so I gladly popped it in for my indulgent car ride.

I’ve been a peripheral fan of Mat’s for a while, as he would pop up in my Pandora mix or on the radio. His positive messages wrapped in a unique, fresh sound always caught my attention, so I was excited to give his new CD a listen.

And I wasn’t disappointed. The best way I can think to describe his music is “thoughtful.” In fact, I wasn’t five minutes away from the house before I was completely lost in my mind, thinking about random things from my childhood that I hadn’t thought about in years. I got to the interstate and literally had to slow down for a minute and focus to remember where I was going – oops!!

His mellow sounds, somewhat like Coldplay but with a bit of Maroon 5 kick thrown in, are very relaxing and happiness-inducing. Perfect for those rare journeys out in the car by myself, but also totally acceptable to be played with kids in the car – that is, if they’ll let me.

If you would like a chance to win a free download of Mat Kearney’s new Album, Young Love, simply comment on this post and name your favorite music to listen to when you’re alone! Or, if you want to be nostalgic, tell me what you listened to when you first started driving.

You can earn up to four extra entries by:

Liking Mat Kearney on Facebook.
Tweet, blog, OR Facebook about this giveaway
Subscribe to OR Follow my blog
Follow me on Twitter OR Facebook

(be sure to leave separate comments for your extra entries.)

This giveaway is open until Monday, September 12th. The winner will be randomly selected and posted on my giveaway winners page on Tuesday, September 13th.

Good luck!!