The Hero We’ve Been Waiting For. The Hero We Deserve.

OhMyGoodness Guys.

I have SUCH GOOD NEWS.

For the past two years, nearly everyone, on all quadrants of the political spectrum, have been living in existential dread. Overwhelming percentages of people have expressed a grave distrust in our political situation, and the entire world seems to have the same problems: political systems are hopelessly corrupt and no party seems to have the answer, nor do they have a single good-hearted candidate to bring people together.

But you already know all of this. It’s been a painful 18 months for all of us. So let’s not rehash why we need a hero in these trying times.

But I have delightful information to share with you.

We.

Have.

That.

Hero.

She’s come from a faraway place to save us all. She has a secret plan, and she’s going to unite us when no one else could.

That hero is Miley Cyrus.

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That’s right. Miley has put to bed her twerking, ball-riding, body-baring ways. Miley has mounted a knight’s steed on springs, and she is sure that she will be able to help her solve all our problems.

In a recent interview with Billboard (warning – she has not put away her language), Miley has shared that she is so committed to her cause of saving the world that she’s even sacrificed her adoration of drugs to do it. She’s completely clean, she exclaims, shocked at her own superhuman abilities…

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That’s right, y’all. TWENTY-ONE days of self-sacrifice from the depths of her heart to assist in saving the nation. But why Miley, you may ask? What is it about her specific set of skills that makes her our perfect hero? In her words (re: the day after the election)…

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That’s right. She’s gonna glue this place back together with her magical talent of being from the magical state of Tennessee. God did not give us very many people with this set of abilities. Thank goodness Miley is willing to use hers for good.

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And HOW exactly is she going to accomplish rebuilding our nation into one of likemindedness and American Utopia with her Tennesseean Superpower? Well. I hate to unearth Miley’s ground-shattering plan, but since she’s already done it, I’ll share it here with you, in the words of the great political commentator, TooFab

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It all makes perfect sense. All we have to do to change the world is have a 24 year old superhero be willing to jump into her phone booth and transform from this…

Screen Shot 2017-05-08 at 3.18.30 PMThey’re staring right at me how can I hear your politics

To this…all for us.

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All of American Goodness and Sanity is wrapped up in one woman’s clothing choices. And I, for one, have never seen a dress that made me more willing to agree with someone’s every political opinion. This is the answer we’ve all been waiting for.

Miley for President, y’all.

Charting New Territory.

In the world of baby-having, things have changed a lot since I partook – largely due to social media. And, much like all that’s changed in the world of wedding-having, I am not sad that I missed it. Any of it.

I’m not sad that Pinterest Pressure was an unknown substance 16 years ago, and I’m not sad that Gender Reveal Parties were as yet uninvented 7 and 11 years ago.

Back in my wedding day, you had a three-ring binder where you tore out pictures from actual paper Wedding Magazines to get ideas to show your florist and baker – in real life.

(I still have mine somewhere if any youngsters want to see a relic of the olden days.)

Back in my baby-having days, you bought a book to tell you What To Expect When You’re Expecting.

But now…they have charts and comparisons and infographics and everyone including your 7th grade gym teacher gets to know exactly when your baby is the size of an avocado.

And that’s what we’re here to talk about today. The whole “Size of My Baby” chart.

It’s always fruit.

Why is it always fruit?

We need something new in our size comparisons to en utero humans. Mainly because fruit comes in a variety of sizes. I’ve seen a grape the size of a plum and an apple the size of a clementine. I’ve seen a watermelon the size of a canteloupe and I so rarely see an actual butternut squash that how exactly is that supposed to help me know the size of your baby?

And also. When you get to the 36 week mark, it seems like there’s a better comparison to “size of my baby” than keeping on the whole fruit track.

So I made a more…creative chart.

Perhaps this is influenced by my rampant binge watching of Parks and Rec and identifying way too much with April Ludgate.

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And perhaps I’m a bit….non-traditional when it comes to life.

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After all, my children know just what to look for in order to determine whether roadkill is photogenic or not.

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And perhaps, just perhaps, there are a lot of pregnant ladies out there right now that are not feeling nearly perky enough to tell you excitedly that their baby is currently the size of a starfruit.

So I created a new chart.

Feel free to use this to help your pregnant friends along. And if you need me to make stickers for their weekly photographs, you just let me know. Because I am here to serve.

What's The Size of My Baby

 

 

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Love Me With Your Whole Emoji.

Of my 1,171 Facebook friends, approximately 1,500 of them currently sell something that involves a product, a downline, and a requirement of a plethora of Facebook posts.

My Facebook feed covers them all. Multiple times over. I will never be without the ability to buy Matilda Jane or Advocare or Avon or Young Living or It Works or Premier Jewelry or Jamberry or Pampered Chef or Plexus or Rodan & Fields or Scentsy or Thirty One Gifts or Tupperware or Usborne or Younique or BeachBody or doTerra or Isagenix or Juice Plus or Mary Kay.

Ah, what a world we live in.

Of those 1,500 retail shops in the strip mall that is my Facebook feed, approximately 1,800 have, in the past year, posted a status asking people to let them know, via emoji, how they feel about their business. The options given to describe said business include some variation of the following:

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But, oddly, they never ever offer the heartbreak emoji. Or the new and fantastic black heart emoji. I’m sure it’s just a simple oversight, but I feel like there needs to be an option out there for everyone and every opinion (because if 2017 isn’t about EVERY OPINION, what IS it about??), so I decided to write my own.

I don’t have my own business that involves a downline, sales levels named after precious stones (But if I did, I would be Double Purple Sapphire Diamond Titanium Level, y’all!!), or wildly fantastic motivational trips to Fiji, but I do occasionally mention my side project, Picture Birmingham, so that’s what I shall write my status for.

So. Let’s try this.

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I CANNOT WAIT to see what emoji you choose in response!!