How Hamilton is Actually a Parenting Self-Help Guide.

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Haven’t you always assumed that life would be more fun if it were a musical?

Me neither.

I never did understand how people could sing their lives in perfect rhythm and rhyme in real time – not to mention in harmony with their fellow life-livers.

However. Hamilton has changed my mind.

Due to the constant barraging of praise for Hamilton from those around me, I decided to give the soundtrack a listen on Spotify during a run. It was the most delightful thing my running ears had ever experienced – an engrossing storyline set to music that is both brilliant AND will make you run faster.

Since that inaugural, life-changing, interest-in-history-inspiring run, I have had no other songs in my head. I skipped an entire week of my Spotify “Discover Weekly” playlist. I made Chris listen to Hamilton on his birthday (he’s now a fan), and I have experienced the best runs of the summer, all while living and dying with A dot Ham.

And as it has been my brain’s story-on-repeat, it has also made it into my parenting. And thus, I am finally living that musical I never wanted to, belting out lines full of passion at my children when opportune moments arise.

If you haven’t listened yet, I insist that you do so (but not with the kids in the car – who knew the founding fathers had foul mouths and sketchy girlfriends? A Beka didn’t teach us that.)  And, once you’ve listened, here is my compilation of the lines best sung to your offspring, along with some suggested opportunities for their use…

 

“Moooom! Why do I have to clean my room??”

Because you’re Half-dead sittin’ in your own sick, the scent thick…

“But I can’t!! It’s too messy! Can you help me??”

The ten-dollar founding father without a father
Got a lot farther by working a lot harder
By being a lot smarter
By being a self-starter!

“Hey Mommy can I have a snack I don’t like this shirt I need a new pillow will you buy me some candy but I don’t WANT to go to the store when are you making dinner?”

While we’re talking, let me offer you some free advice.
Talk less, Smile More.

“Hey Mommy I told Daddy about your secret chocolates…”

Fools who run their mouths off wind up dead…

“Moooooom! She hit me with her light saber!”

Chaos and bloodshed are NOT a solution!

“Give it to me right now!”
“No! It was mine first!!”
”Uh uh! I found it!!”

I am about to send a fully armed battalion to remind you of my love!
Da da da dat da dat da da da da ya da!

When you see that kid toying with doing exactly what you just told them not to do…

You keep out of trouble and you double your choices!

When the children are ignoring you at record levels, just belt out at your highest volume…

The problem is I got a lot of brains but no polish
I gotta holler just to be heard
With every word, I drop knowledge!

Every night in bed with your spouse, talking about the children….

We are outgunned!
Outmanned!
Outnumbered, outplanned!

When you tell the kid to go do a chore and they try to distract you with a giant hug…

And no, don’t change the subject,
Cuz you’re my favorite subject,
My sweet, submissive subject!

When all the kids are asking for something different at once…

I cannot be everywhere at once, people –
I’m in dire need of assistance!

Texting the babysitter…

We are a powder keg about to explode
I need someone like you to lighten the load. So?

“But Mom!! She started it!”

Love doesn’t discriminate,
Between the sinners and the saints…

“But why am I getting punished, too?”

Death doesn’t discriminate,
Between the sinners and the saints…

When you catch the kid red-handed…

The challenge: demand satisfaction
If they apologize, no need for further action…

When the kid spills apple juice on your MacBook….

Pick a place to die where it’s high and dry!

When you get that text that the husband is on the way home…

No one has more resilience,
Or matches my practical tactical brilliance!

“But Mom! She tattled on me!!”

You have no control:
Who lives, who dies, who tells your story!

When they get their own apartment and then ask for money…

What comes next?
You’ve been freed
Do you know how hard it is to lead?
You’re on your own
Awesome. Wow!
Do you have a clue what happens now?
Oceans rise,
Empires fall,
It’s much harder when it’s all your call!

When you try to give them a kiss and they squeal and wipe it off…

You say our love is draining and you can’t go on
You’ll be the one complaining when I am gone…

You use this line every day. Obviously.

Ev’ry day you fight like it’s
Going out of style!

When the kids come home totally spoiled due to the The Grandparent Effect.

It must be nice, it must be nice to have
Gramamma on your side…
It must be nice, it must be nice to have
Gramamma on your side…

When the charming, adorable, endlessly endearing (to everyone but you) two-year-old has finally pitched the last fit you can handle…and it’s only 9:08 on a Monday morning…

Somebody gimme some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him!

When you hide under the covers in your bed so your kids can’t find you…

I’m erasing myself from the narrative!

When you find out the hard way that Daddy let the kids have loads of candy right before bed…

I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true –
Your father’s a scoundrel, and so, it seems, are you!

I have the honor to be your obedient servant,

R dot Call