Doilies Aren’t Shorts.

I know that summer is almost over (or very over) in some parts of the United States. Those of you in South Dakota and Colorado have already seen…snow??


However, we have at least another month, maybe two, of wearing shorts, getting sunburned, and sweating our brains out.

Especially at football games.

Saturday was no exception, and although I’ll have to wait until later in the season to do my annual Alabama Football Fashion Report (I require several Gamedays to gather a full spectrum of sample data), one trend was disturbingly apparent.

This year’s sorority uniform includes a heavy dose of Doilies as Shorts.

Thick, crocheted lace shorts that look like a craft project from Valentine’s decorations bought from Party City’s clearance bin in late March. Although I’ve been seeing them all summer around town, in the official uniform seen on Saturday they were worn with a severely unharmonious frat party t-shirt or a football jersey. I’m sure when Autumn does roll around, they’ll simply add their Ugg boots to the outfit to complete the discord.

This was the most oft-seen design, although see-through ones were also in great abundance.

Doilies as Shorts{Source: Express}

Sometimes the layers were so thick that it was hard to discern if the intention was shorts or an extraordinarily tiny skirt.

doily shorts{Source: Open Sky}

In black, they became casket-skirt ready. Do they put skirts around caskets? Of course they do.

doily shorts block{Source: Open Sky}

And the backside looked more like a Christmas Tree after the Grinch robbed it of its color.

Shorts{Source: Wet Seal}

If there were ever an appropriate time for me to say “I can’t even”, it is now.

Because I’ve spent the better part of the last five years fighting long butt, when all of a sudden this lacy shorts trend wants to come along and create a whole new fight: long crotch.

IMG_1084{Source: HauteLook}

Long, long, granny-panties-marries-granny-panties-and-has-an-inbred-granny-panties-baby long crotch.

No, please – no.

Let’s talk about where crochet can and should go:

1. Tablecloths.
2. Fancy curtains.
3. Baby Bonnets, if you’re into that sort of thing.
4. Shirts even – but maybe not in the form of the Bustier pictured above.
5. A doily for the back of your grandmother’s commode.
6. Maybe even swimsuit cover-ups, but I’d avoid any unfortunate targeting.

IMG_1078{Source: HauteLook}


Now let’s talk about where crochet doesn’t belong.

On your shorts.

That is all.

Clearly a good portion of the population disagrees with me. Are you one of them?