I know that summer is almost over (or very over) in some parts of the United States. Those of you in South Dakota and Colorado have already seen…snow??


However, we have at least another month, maybe two, of wearing shorts, getting sunburned, and sweating our brains out.

Especially at football games.

Saturday was no exception, and although I’ll have to wait until later in the season to do my annual Alabama Football Fashion Report (I require several Gamedays to gather a full spectrum of sample data), one trend was disturbingly apparent.

This year’s sorority uniform includes a heavy dose of Doilies as Shorts.

Thick, crocheted lace shorts that look like a craft project from Valentine’s decorations bought from Party City’s clearance bin in late March. Although I’ve been seeing them all summer around town, in the official uniform seen on Saturday they were worn with a severely unharmonious frat party t-shirt or a football jersey. I’m sure when Autumn does roll around, they’ll simply add their Ugg boots to the outfit to complete the discord.

This was the most oft-seen design, although see-through ones were also in great abundance.

Doilies as Shorts{Source: Express}

Sometimes the layers were so thick that it was hard to discern if the intention was shorts or an extraordinarily tiny skirt.

doily shorts{Source: Open Sky}

In black, they became casket-skirt ready. Do they put skirts around caskets? Of course they do.

doily shorts block{Source: Open Sky}

And the backside looked more like a Christmas Tree after the Grinch robbed it of its color.

Shorts{Source: Wet Seal}

If there were ever an appropriate time for me to say “I can’t even”, it is now.

Because I’ve spent the better part of the last five years fighting long butt, when all of a sudden this lacy shorts trend wants to come along and create a whole new fight: long crotch.

IMG_1084{Source: HauteLook}

Long, long, granny-panties-marries-granny-panties-and-has-an-inbred-granny-panties-baby long crotch.

No, please – no.

Let’s talk about where crochet can and should go:

1. Tablecloths.
2. Fancy curtains.
3. Baby Bonnets, if you’re into that sort of thing.
4. Shirts even – but maybe not in the form of the Bustier pictured above.
5. A doily for the back of your grandmother’s commode.
6. Maybe even swimsuit cover-ups, but I’d avoid any unfortunate targeting.

IMG_1078{Source: HauteLook}


Now let’s talk about where crochet doesn’t belong.

On your shorts.

That is all.

Clearly a good portion of the population disagrees with me. Are you one of them?

25 thoughts on “Doilies Aren’t Shorts.

  1. Timely post- I saw a girl wearing doily shorts the other day. I’m afraid I was rude because I kept staring at them at the grocery check out lane, trying to figure out why, why would someone do such thing to themselves?!

  2. Crochet can go pretty much anywhere, IF you have skill and taste. Unfortunately, fashion and taste are far from the same thing.
    Crochet is my baby, don’t throw it in the naughty corner just because someone misused it! I still like my scissors despite the high/low skirt trend (which I can’t stand!).

  3. I’ve seen a few college girls around town in doily shorts, and they are universally unflattering. They make even the tiniest girls look lumpy, and there appears to be no way to keep one’s entire backside stuffed inside them. LOVE the Alabama Football Fashion Report!

  4. “Long, long, granny-panties-marries-granny-panties-and-has-an-inbred-granny-panties-baby long crotch.”

    I lost it.

  5. These shorts were actually very popular a few years back abd I owned them in off white and black but both have since been tossed to the eBay pile. Definitely over them now though!

  6. I like the skirts (on skinny girls…I definitely wouldn’t wear one) made out of “doily material” but definitely not the shorts! Long crotch is always a big NO!

  7. As usual, right-on-the-money and humorous as well :) The long crotch is definitely something to be shunned – I never quite understood why the “high-waist” shorts/pants came back in-style….

  8. I just noticed these out in town the other day, on sorority girls with their big sorority shirts. Definitely not a cute look. Beats buttcheek shorts, but only just.
    Also, you have a lot of followers named Rachel.

  9. Amen.
    One additional announcement: Can everyone please step away from the super tiny, looks-like-uncomfortable-underwear, smaller than bikini bottoms, high waistest, denim shorts!y

  10. I could never get away with wearing these shorts; however, I did see a teenager at the Orlando airport wearing a pair, and oh my goodness, I was so jealous how she carried it off. Her shorts were not as high-waisted, plus she paired it with a longer tank top. They were short, but not scandalous. She was also perfectly tanned which makes a huge difference.

    My daughter had a pair of similar shorts last year (she was 12 months) and they looked really cute on her, but they were completely see-through! I didn’t have her wear them because I didn’t want her to advertise what brand of diapers she wears! Ha!

  11. No girl I’ve ever seen wear these looked like any of these models. And as one who crochets, I have never had anyone request these, which is a good thing, ’cause I’da said NO. I have had a request for and made a swimsuit coverup though, complete with no unfortunate targeting issues :-)

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