Vacation Paralysis.

My suitcase is still sitting in my floor, virtually untouched, except to retrieve my makeup and my razor.

(I need a couple other things but I’m having trouble finding them. I could probably discover them if I unpacked, but no.)

I finally finished downloading and editing all my photos, but now they’re laying in my computer in a gigantic heap, begging for the accompaniment of cohesive sentences.

Oh, vacation. It’s so hard to recover from.

I know. Y’all feel ridiculously sorry for me.

So I’ll just start writing, in bits and pieces, and maybe eventually I’ll work my way through our five days of complete bliss. Just don’t expect it to be cohesive. Because paralysis.

But we can do it. We can work through this together. If we really put our minds to it and focus.

So we dumped the kids off in their own paradise Tuesday night, then drove to Atlanta, from where we’d be flying out the next morning.

(For the record, the children have been counting down to this trip for longer than Chris and I have, and they weren’t even invited. But they knew they’d be staying at Gramamma and Pop’s for six days, which is a new record for them, and nothing could possibly be better than that in all of life.)

(Because they haven’t discovered the Caribbean yet.)

This trip was for the celebration of our fifteenth anniversary, as I’d been begging Chris to take me to a Caribbean Island for a while. After a few years of trying to find a place that fit within our budget and desires, and failing miserably, we roped in a travel agent. We told her we wanted a resort that was in a place where it was safe for us to run and explore without getting kidnapped or maimed a few blocks off the oceanfront.

She gave us two choices, one of which was a cruise, and we’re convinced we’re not cruise people, so she basically gave us one choice, which is exactly what we wanted her to do – Palace Resort on Isla Mujeres. She’d been there before, she vouched for the natural beauty and safety requirements, and she knew exactly which week we should go to have the cheapest flights.

It was exactly what we needed to finally enable us to leave the country.

Isla Mujeres is a small island 20 minutes off the coast of Cancun. It is only accessible by ferry, is a few miles long, and is quite safe (one of our cab drivers told us, “Oh yes totally safe! I’ve been here 28 years. In Cancun, someone gets killed every hour. Here – never! Totally safe!”), and it absolutely was the idyllic exploration landscape that we wanted.

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In fact, it was even more perfect than we could have thought to ask for, because we were quite literally nearly the only people exploring the island. Apparently, normal people come to all-inclusive resorts to sit on the beach and have food and drink brought to them all day – which was, for sure, delightful. In the environment of beached, immobile Americans, we were so bizarre that the staff giggled every time we left the resort in our running clothes.

But the complete solitude of the fantastically beautiful scenery only added to its complete intoxication.

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And the thing is, there were trails here. Beautiful paths carefully hewn into the rock ledges. As if some ancient culture many moons ago had actually been these strange running types, intent on exploring and appreciating their surroundings.

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These paths meandered through fascinating caves through igneous rocks, encircling both ends of the island’s lonely, lovely point.

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These paths weren’t always in ADA compliance, but were passable with careful steps and a feigned ignorance of the Spanish language.

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They had the most mindblowing view of the sunset on one side,

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And the very first view in Mexico of the sunrise on the other side – although I was never up early enough to see it. I did, however, enjoy watching a Dad and his son fishing  from a rock outcropping on that other side. That was good enough.

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Although the gorgeous water, rough rocks, and untouched sand were completely addictive,

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We enjoyed the run to those places just as much.

Tip-Toeing through the cemetery,

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Which, by the way, had a mighty fine oceanfront view of its own,

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Visiting the funeral home at the top of the cemetery,

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Also with THAT VIEW,

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Running past the dump and holding our breath,

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(ALSO OCEANFRONT. Seriously guys this was the dump’s view…)

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Peeking down all the interior streets,

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Gawking at the churches,

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And saving schoolchildren’s soccer balls from rolling down the street and into…you guessed it…the ocean.

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Real estate was a bizarre thing on the island. Both of these properties were equidistant from the beach,

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And well-armed walls hiding absolutely nothing were quite common.

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From what we could gather, there have been hurricanes here. And those hurricanes have left deliciously mysterious abandoned properties that incidentally go nicely with ancient tales of buried treasure.

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The island is absolutely aching for the outdoorsy community to discover it, buy up all of its ailing properties, and truly appreciate the stunning landscape.

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…Or leave it as our little secret. Either way is fine with me.

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More to come…and I haven’t even started talking about my new best friends the giant iguanas, or the fact that Mommy Guilt doesn’t even exist here.

For my Wistful Future Self.

A few weeks ago, I shared this video on Instagram. This is Noah’s current favorite phrase to me, thanks much to Farkle from “Girl Meets World.”


(You have to click it to finally make it stop…or it’ll just continue in an eternal loop.)

(As a note, I tried to get him to say “Hellllllooooo GiANN!!!” to the babysitter the other night but Noah told me, “No. NO. I…I just…I could NEVER do that.” So it’s nice to know I’m special.)

Anyway.

This moment made me realize that I rarely video my kids anymore. I don’t know why – I just don’t. I tried that one second a day trend last year and I made it to January 9th before giving up in frustration. Video is just not my strong point.

But, I don’t want to be sad one day that I don’t have their adorable little kid voices recorded – you know, when I’m old and empty nesting and telling other frantic frazzled freaking out moms, “You be sure to enjoy EVERY MINUTE!! It goes by in a flash!” and they flash their middle finger at me.

Yeah.

Anyway. Noah has been kind enough to take matters into his own hands – to help me remember him as he is now forever. He’s learned to audio text me from his iPad. And I figured out how to save them onto my computer.

Sometimes, his messages will remind Future Me of the phrase that was the soundtrack of my life.

And sometimes, his  messages will remind Future Me of how long he could draw out an interruption of, say, me teaching his sister math, just to tell me…

(And then, you know, I feel all the guilt for being frustrated for math interruptions when all the kid wanted to tell me was that he absolutely adored me.)

And then some of his messages are so fantastic, so wistful, so delightful, that they will be the very ammunition that makes me tell that poor young mom to enjoy EVERY MINUTE.

Because I will miss being worshipped endlessly like this when he is a college student who never has time to call his Mom unless he runs out of Mac and Cheese.

But Noah does not, however, leave me hanging in this flux of eternal sentimentality. He doesn’t mind at all reminding me of what else he might like to call me.

But who knows. Maybe I’ll be so crazy that I’ll wish for that one day, too.

Surely not.

The Road to Purple Hair.

Since I’m having a rare introspective + selfie posting week…..

So I finally got the purple highlights that I always wanted. Okay maybe not always because there was that one time I attempted to get pink hair but that was just a misguided desire for purple I’M SURE OF IT.

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But OF COURSE, Prince had to die and make everyone think I got it in honor of him.

It’s my purple hair, Prince! Back off!

(But sorry for the disrespect, sir Prince. Also sorry that I don’t know any of your songs.)

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The process was definitely a process, and one that I documented by text for my husband, as he was somewhat taken aback when I mentioned that it would take over four hours.

“How could any haircut take four hours? The only haircuts I’ve ever gotten were walk-ins. I don’t understand these things.”

“I’m not even getting my hair cut, honey.”

Luckily, though, the man loves long hair and constantly reassures me to spend whatever I like on and do whatever I like to my hair – just please keep it long.

So. Lest you want to know the steps to purple highlights, here you go.

1. You absolutely MUST have a coloring wizard. My delightful and talented stylist, Wendy Stuckey at Morgan Ashley Salon, adores color and was willing to take on the challenge and fun of turning my hair purple. DO NOT ATTEMPT PURPLE ON YOUR OWN, people. It will look like you attempted it on your own. I’ve seen it. It’s scary.

2. Work through your fears of being too old for purple hair. You might be, but who cares. Right? Right. And anyway if you don’t know any Prince songs then you’re DEFINITELY young enough for purple hair. Right? Right.

3. Bleach comes first. She left it on extra long in hopes that next time, we can just touch up the purple and not have to do bleach, which would greatly cut down on the time involvement. Although the bleach did have the lovely side effect of making my hair thicker. And of looking like a tin-head conspiracy theorist gone mad, according to my husband.

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4. Rinse bleach after significant bleaching has been accomplished, apply gloss (fancy word for toner) and allow to sit. Forever. With a super sexy hairnet.

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5. Rinse and dry hair, show off blond highlights to husband to make up for previous photo of sexy hairnet.

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(He said I looked like a ghost. With good hair.)

6. Have a team of hairdressers (okay two) begin purpling your hair, all while clipping parts of your hair up to make you look like as much like Donald Trump as possible. They enjoyed this phase the most.

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7. Once all purple is applied, sit under a team of hair heaters. And wait some more.

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8. Finally, dry and style and gaze at the fabulousness of purple highlights. And know that all that sitting and waiting and Donald Trumping – it was totally worth it.

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Yup. Totally.

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Self-Esteem Lessons From the Petting Zoo.

So. Not-Crazy-Renee and I took our kids to Oak Mountain State Park on Friday. We went on a hike, and then to the petting zoo. The goats, peacocks, donkey, and pony were as much fun as usual, and the mixture of animals and children made for delightful photographic opportunities.

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At one point, I took a couple of pictures of Not-Crazy-Renee hanging out with my favorite petting zoo character, the donkey. He’s really quite the best.

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I noticed in the pictures (and really several times that day) that Not-Crazy-Renee was looking mighty hot. When I sent her the pictures, she noticed also, and thanked me for providing her the first pictures of herself that didn’t make her say “Holy Baby Weight, Batman!!”

To pay me back for taking FABULOUS pictures of her (and her children), she sent over a photo she snapped of me feeding the goats (because my children had shoved their bags of feed into my hands due to their premature tiring of their goat following.)

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I couldn’t even look at the photo but for a second – I was not happy. I have body image issues just like 99.9% of women. I especially struggle with seeing photos of myself, like 99.8% of women (the .01% post selfies all the time and I’m all like HOW ARE YOU SO GOOD AT THAT? And stop.)

Many times, I have complained to friends of the struggle of not knowing which me with the real me -Mirror Me or Photo Me?? I want it to be Mirror Me. Because when I look in the mirror, I’m usually not unhappy. But Photo Me – she kills me every time.

Naturally, I spent the entire evening internally obsessing over new nutrition plans and calorie counting and maybe I need to add some other forms of exercise in with my running, as one does. You know the drill. It’s the plight of women.

(And if you don’t, I envy you greatly.)

The next morning, as I was getting ready to go on a run that I really didn’t feel like doing but I was going to because of that DANG PICTURE, I looked in the mirror in a very similar exercise shirt to the one I had worn the day before. I was again befuddled at the difference between me Mirror Me and Photo Me.

WHY can’t they be the same person? And WHICH one is really me??

So I decided to take a picture of Mirror Me and see if Mirror Me would stay Mirror Me when inserted into a photo. I NEEDED TO KNOW.

Mirror Me did indeed stay Mirror Me.

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Further befuddlement.

I had even shot the photo more straight-on, trying to get a bad angle in there to make sure I wasn’t fooling myself. I wasn’t sucking in or anything – I needed THE TRUTH. I even let my bra strap side fat hang out!

I then took a selfie without the mirror involved just to make sure Mirror Me wasn’t lying.

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(Let me assert here that none of this was done in the interest of a future blog post – it was all done due to my own ridiculous vanity, confusion, and Quest For The Real Me.)

Then I put my Mirror Me Selfie and My Not-Crazy-Renee photo next to each other, zero edits on either one.

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I was blown away. And I realized that my photo collage seemed very familiar….if I just swapped the order of the two pictures, I could sell $200 per month diet pills by saying this was my before and after!

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I have known about the power of angles for a long time, and have believed in it fully in the case of how my face looks, but I’d never completely allowed myself to believe it with my body image. So this was a huge moment for me. It helped me realize that I’ve got to stop freaking out about photos. Because cameras lie. All the time. And even the most most beautiful celebrities get horrendous photos taken of them sometimes.

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(Oh look at that. Even Beyonce.)

After staring at my two photos for an extended and entirely ridiculous amount of time, I went on my run, feeling much more awesome about myself. Every glance I caught in a window looked skinnier, stronger, and more confident than my last run had because, as I’m well aware, what I look like mentally is 90% what what my head thinks I look like.

So. Next time you see a horrible photo of yourself, and you immediately vow to start a new diet and make your life more miserable with disgusting cardboard food or perhaps just liquids, go look in a mirror. And maybe even take a selfie.

Because it was just a bad photo.

Not-Crazy-Renee and I still love each other (well, she might love me more than I love her – at least for 22 hours,) and in actuality, we both helped each other out with our photos. I helped her realized that she has indeed lost all that baby weight (and she has – it wasn’t just trick photography), and she helped me realize that I need to quit letting my mental image of myself be dictated by Photo Me. I’m sure the truth is somewhere in the middle, but from now on, I’m going to believe that the real me is Mirror Me.

Oh – and because I know you wanted this to be a Not-Crazy-Renee story and not some introspective revelation, just to let you know, Not-Crazy-Renee is just as Not-Crazy as ever – especially when she uses text dictation.

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Rachel, Mommy Matchmaker.

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One of my good friends is moving away.

I’m not happy.

Her moving date is over a year away, granted, but I’m still not happy.

However, luckily for her, and thanks to all of you random people who befriend me in other cities, I happen to know someone in the city/state she’s moving to. A blog reader – one of the ones that I’ve actually met in real life while passing through said other city. Because I genuinely do love getting to know all of you – even if I don’t always have time to chat as much as I used to.

(So much angst and guilt about my inability to do so. SO MUCH.)

Anyway. Blog-reader-in-other-city who is now future friends with my friend who is leaving me for other city (are you following so far?) suggested that I become an entrepreneur. That I should open up internet shop – mommyfriendsonly(dot)com.

I mean there’s Farmers Only and Christian Mingle and 420 Singles (because it’s SO hard for pot smokers to find fellow pot smokers, apparently) and even Ugly Schmucks (for people who feel unattractive and/or those who value personality first.)

And, since we’re making a list, here are some other specialty dating sites you can join:

Trek Passions – so that you can find that unique someone that prefers Star Trek: Voyager over ST:TNG. There’s gotta be one out there.

Mullet Passions – Because two Mullets make a right.

Meet an Inmate – In case you’ve always wanted to find yourself an incarcerated boyfriend or girlfriend. According to the website description,

Even though these men and women are in prison, it doesn’t mean that they are bad individuals. The majority of these inmates are loving, clever, reliable, sexy and very passionate. They enjoy sports, music, arts, etc., just as you do. However, they are convicted felons and caution should be used.

Opposite of the earlier mentioned Ugly Schmucks, there’s Darwin Dating. Described as,

Darwin Dating was created exclusively for beautiful, desirable people. Our strict rules and natural selection process ensures all our members have winning looks. Those strict rules ban, among other things, saggy boobs, sweat patches, nerdy glasses and cackly laughs.

I mean, who has sweat patches on their Match profile pics? And no saggy boobs – I guess post-breastfeeding moms are no longer natural-selection-appropriate. EVEN THOUGH WE’RE THE ONES PROPAGATING THE SPECIES.

But I digress.

Salad Match – to help you find a date that likes the same salad toppings you do!

…which is ridiculously inefficient, since Chris and I are perfectly salad matched because of our opposite tastes. He gets all the croutons, bacon, and peppers, and I get all the tomatoes, olives, and onions. Salad Match would have never let us find each other!

So why shouldn’t Moms have a website where they can find compatible Mom Friends? And also girlfriends in general, for those who aren’t Moms?

There is no good reason. I am not going to be making this website, but there is still no good reason.

But here’s the thing. By the fact that all of you are reading my blog, you are, already, matched up by your twisted and kooky sense of humor. And you’re a little dark, too, as you apparently don’t mind all of my train wreck stories. I mean, how could you not be compatible with one another when you enjoy reading about someone else’s colonoscopy and multiple poo disasters?? Not to mention roadkill photography

Anyway. Between your already identified darkly entertained side and the fact that I’ve gotten to know so many of you over the years, I could totally match-make many of you – especially since some of you live in the same cities.

So I created a group.

I’ve been meaning to make a group for other reasons for a while, now – and actually I did make it last August and just never used it – and now I kind of feel like giving it a whirl. Both because I think that many of you would like each other very much, and because I have some stories I want to share that I don’t necessarily want sitting on the front page of my blog for all the crazy commenters out there to find. Or my Dad.

(Sorry, Dad – there are just some things you don’t want to read about.)

So here it is. A Facebook Group. (I know, I know…Facebook is the worst. But it’s kind of the best for groups.) So if you’d like to join, just click and request. I’ll approve you all (after I stalk you thoroughly to assure the group that you’re not an ax murderer or if you are that you only chop up non-bloggers or non-friends of bloggers,) and within the group we can discuss all sorts of fascinating subjects. I can answer questions easily, I can share stories I can’t share otherwise, and you can get to know each other. And maybe, I’ll even match a few of you up to your new best friends.

I can’t wait to get to know you all better! Click here to join…

Disclaimer: Due to the nature of the posts I plan on sharing, I highly recommend this group only for women. If any three of you loyal male readers want to sue me or just blast me in the comment section for sexist-group-creation, I get it. I’m an awful human. As a sincere apology gift, allow me to send you my very detailed 3,000 word post about the new way I’m dealing with my menstrual cycle, and after reading, you can decide whether or not you still care about being in the group. If so, come on in. 

A Bathroom Conundrum Worth Discussing.

Saturday afternoon, Chris took me out on a date.

He arranged babysitting, made reservations, gave me specific instructions (put your hair up and bring your camera), and that’s all the information I got. I had no idea where we were going or what our date entailed.

I WAS surprised when I was still in the car an hour and a half later, but hey. One must go where the date takes you. And the drive was lovely – fields of flowers with cows idly grazing, baby foals being nudged along by their mothers, the occasional cluster of goats being herded by giant white dogs, Alabama mountains, and fantastic rural haunts like “Hick’s Poor Man’s Store” and “Mister Willie’s Family Restaurant”.  All of these would have made lovely photos for this post, but apparently that wasn’t on the date agenda, and anyway there weren’t exactly shoulders on this two-lane country road.

There were also lovely smells wafting into his convertible (hence my hair being up) – until we passed a pile of manure and then not-at-all-so-lovely smells.

But anyway.

We arrived at dinner in a small lakeside city a couple of hours north. The restaurant chosen was one we’d never been to, but had both heard of from prior trips to said city. It was one of those quirky, small restaurants that’s located in an old house. Do y’all have that type of restaurant outside of Alabama? I know Georgia does, because we had one of our quirkiest meals ever at The Olde Pink House.

But that’s not today’s story.

In this house restaurant, there were a couple different very small dining rooms (I think we ate in a bedroom), a cozy feel, and very winding hallways.

Since we had driven two hours to get there, I of course needed to visit the restroom immediately. It took me a minute, but I located it down a hallway that also housed a very squeezed-in-the-hallway bar. Because it was an old house, there were two choices, both individual bathrooms, one down the hall from the other. The one I went in was the bigger one – big enough that you assumed it used to have a claw-foot bathtub or some other sort of antique bathing option. The other bathroom, down the hall a bit but still in view of former-clawfoot bathroom, was clearly the old house’s pocket bathroom. It barely had room for a toilet and a sink and the leftover floor space for a very careful turnaround from the sink to the door when it was time to leave.

I headed back to our table for a lovely, lengthy meal at this tiny old house.

After our dinner of potato croquettes and filet mignon with a coffee rub and all sorts of deliciousness, it was time to go. Chris had sunset plans (hence the camera), and the meal had taken slightly longer than he had anticipated. But because I have the bladder of a 5 week old bunny, I hurried back to the bathrooms for one last visit.

When I arrived, both were occupied and there was a gentleman waiting. The bigger bathroom opened up, so he took it. Shortly thereafter, the tiny bathroom became available, so I turned sideways and squeezed in.

As I walked out of the bathroom, there were two more people waiting – older ladies – I would guess in their late 70s or early 80s, chatting as women do.

They saw me exit the restroom, and the woman that was first in line headed toward it and said,

“Hey Judy if you want, you can just come on in here with me.”

I was passing them as this offer was made, and I whipped my head around with an eyebrow raised.

Judy shook her silvery curls and quickly said, “Oh but I think it’s just a single…”

Judy’s friend interrupted. “That’s okay! You can still come in here if you don’t mind.”

I watched as Judy, clearly the non-dominant friend in this situation, sadly followed her friend into the bathroom.

Now.

I had just come out of the tiny bathroom. The one with NO room for an audience. And I understand that women like to go to the bathroom together and it’s what we do and all, but pure logic here makes the presumed assumption behind the offer make zero sense.

I had no indication at all that Judy’s friend, this delightfully blue-haired 80 year old woman, was making anything other than a helpful offer to Judy. The tone in which she invited Judy into the bathroom was obviously one of convenience. As if to say “Hey Judy to make sure you get the next bathroom available, just come on in here with me.”

Which is where I got completely and infinitely confused, as her opportunity cost and game theory and all that was seriously off base.

If Judy waits outside the bathroom, she gets two options – because maybe the guy who went into the big bathroom would get out before Judy’s friend does – in fact, it’s probable that he will. Judy’s friend has pantyhose to try to wriggle back into, after all.

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But instead, because Judy obeyed her friend, not only does she have to squeeze in the impossibly tiny bathroom, watch her friend pee, and awkwardly not notice if any passing of the gas slips out (and what if Judy knew that SHE had passing of the gas that needed to happen?? Now she has to hold it forever?!), but she loses the opportunity to relieve her own bladder even sooner – because the big bathroom option is now off the table.

 

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I DO hope her Depends underwear survived her plight. And I hope that Judy NEVER EVER finds herself chatting with her friend while waiting on a Port-A-Potty.

So. Lest you miss it, the moral of this extremely important opinion piece is, friends don’t pressure friends into joining them in one-hole bathrooms. And also, #PrayForJudysPantyhose.

Finishing by the Skin of my Teeth.

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We. Have finished.

Like the Loaves and the Fishes, God somehow multiplied our days and we got in not the 165 required minimum, and not the 175 recommended, but 176 school days. One hundred seventy-six days of school since I took this picture.

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Despite the wreck.

Despite spending a full week and the better part of a month in bed.

Despite 44 trips to the Physical Therapist.

All of the good in this school year is owed to Ali’s ridiculous sense of responsibility, which translated into her deciding she’d get up early every day and try and finish as much school as she could before I even got out of bed. She’s the teacher’s pet for sure.

Noah’s 4K education might not have been as stellar as it could have been, but I’m not too sad at what we accomplished. He can do basic addition and subtraction, and miraculously, the kid is actually learning how to read – despite how adamantly it goes against his belief system.

But, because pictures are more fun than words, before I continue, let’s look at a few more before-and-afters. Because they make me happy. And maybe at least one or two of you happy, too. (I’m looking at you, grandparents.)

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That last picture may disprove my statement of “Noah is beginning to read” but I swear he does know how to tell whether letters are upside down or not. I think.

And yes, in other news, Ali went from being a kid to a tween this year. For sure. (And I never blogged about her getting braces? Yeah I missed that somehow.)

But at any rate, these students are ready for summer. And so is their teacher.

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Despite us getting in our recommended number of days plus one (an extra day is like a piece of flair in the homeschool world) AND our registrar emailing me back to congratulate me on being the FIRST mom to get ALL my paperwork filed for the school year,

I kinda bombed as a teacher this year.

I mean, it’s not totally my fault and I shan’t take the blame for it. But even after the recovery, I never could get back in control of my organization. My school records that I so lovingly keep? Uh, yeah. I think that stopped around October. Science Experiments? Not a one. Fun craft projects? Zero.

I get a D- in Fun for the two-turd-fifteen school year.

But because of that, I’m obsessively determined that next year is going to be AWESOME. And so, three days before the last day of school, I was organizing and researching and making decisions and ordering textbooks and creating my own hands-on Alabama History curriculum and….

Y’all really might want to consider getting me committed for a psych eval. I think I’m manic. I’m certainly not myself.

 

(No but really I’m super excited about my Alabama History plan. Ali is fascinated by Birmingham and Alabama history, and I don’t want to kill her interest by shoving a terrible textbook at her. If anyone else really hates the awful and sparse Alabama History textbooks, comment and let me know. If there’s enough interest, I’ll share my plans later in the summer, and perhaps blog them separately throughout the school year. So far, the plan includes a vast number of field trips, a good number of library books, historical photo books, biographies, and interviewing some of our older friends and family to see what Alabama was like while they were growing up. And also we’re studying Botany for Science, so that our hikes can serve as history and science outings since most of our hiking destinations are at old iron mining sites. I told you I’m manic.)

Anyway.

Friday was the last day of school, and as such, we planned a family celebration and secret family meeting for that evening.

We ate at one of the kid’s favorite restaurants, La Paz, then guided them out to the ever mysterious and magical clock tower in front of the restaurant.

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…It wasn’t that creepy outside when we had our meeting – but it was slightly raining.

 

We had prepared a two page secret meeting agenda: “Rules of Summer” and “Summer Fun” sheets to inform the children of all that the summer would contain.

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Chris and I took turns making their eyes light up,

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And hands scramble to write down events in their planner.

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They were even excited to hear about the rules of summer, because although we’d been telling them that we were going to have an iPadless summer like last year, we changed our minds at the last minute and decided that they could have limited iPad time during quiet time so that I could actually have time to write and work and stuff without (maybe) Noah constantly begging me to play with him.

As the last item on the agenda, we set them to work making their Summer Wish Lists – what would you like to do this summer?

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(Thankfully neither of them is smart enough to request a trip to Europe, but we did decline a request for a trip to Disney World.)

…And then we went to get FroYo. Because that’s what one does after a Secret Family Meeting under the Clock Tower.

Hallelujah for Summer.

Not ANOTHER Outdoorsy Post.

 

So I took 2,457 pictures this past weekend while we were at Oak Mountain, and edited and kept 265. It took me approximately 16 hours to go through them all and save and edit, so I decided that I would subject you to more of them. Because I deserve your attention, guys. And also because they sucked away all my time and I haven’t had time to write anything else.

Sometimes you jump over the creek,

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and sometimes the creek jumps on you.

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Tiny flowers make me happy.

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Running to the top of a hill to check out some ruins. Turns out, it was a fireplace. I’m sure it was left behind by the vikings or something.

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It took a day to get him in the water. But this was a starting point.

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The hike down to Peavine is terribly steep with lots of boulders and climbing involved. Hence why I packed her several pairs of workout clothes. But no. She wore a maxi dress. Makes for better pictures, anyway.

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And also, she totally didn’t care.

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One of the things the State Parks asked me for were pictures of people using the Equestrian Trails. Luckily for me, a trail went right past our cabin. I spotted a group of riders, ran ahead on another trail to intersect their trail, accosted them, asked if I could take their pictures, ran ahead of them on the Equestrian Trail careful not to step in any giant piles of crap, and then took each rider’s picture as they came by.

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All the horses seemed to love the attention, but this horse was quite convinced that my camera was certainly a lump of sugar waiting just for him to attempt to eat.

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I found this thistle on a walk. It made me happy.

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This was the point that I realized I could walk for months and never run out of different and fascinating trails.

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When I got up at 4:45am to hike up to King’s Chair in the dark, I was supposed to meet friends and hike with them. But it was dark and I couldn’t recognize anyone and I panicked that I was going to be left all alone in the dark so I started hiking by myself. When I came up the last hill to King’s Chair, it was such a spectacular sight to see so many people lining the cliffs.

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I was able to find my friends for the hike back down. You know when it was light and I had no trouble at all seeing my feet.

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But before we hiked back down, I was sure to elbow my way to the front of the 80+ people watching the sunrise to snag a few pictures. I know. RUDE.

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I seriously had no idea that the Oak Mountain demonstration farm existed. That they had an Pony and Peacocks and a Donkey made it all the more fascinating – this was not your usual petting zoo fare.

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I also adored that the Peacock kept showing off its wonder and the goats were like “We’ve ALL SEEN YOUR AMAZING FEATHERS. Just staaaaaahp.” Actually they didn’t even care that much. They just ate their grass and ignored him.

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The Donkey was the Peacock’s antithesis. Poor guy had a perfect Eeyore expression.

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We became besties.

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Until Noah bought a bag of food. Then he abandoned our BFF relationship and took up with Noah.

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But the Peacock, who was as vain as the cliche suggests, was happy to pose for an Emo photo shoot.

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He even picked out the perfect rustic brick wall for a backdrop to make his features shine.

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At least two of the goats were noticeably pregnant – both in their belly size and the fact that they’d shank a baby goat to get to the food. And they did knock several with their horns – they’re clearly going to make great moms. BUT. They were also SO pregnant that you could feel the baby goats squirming around inside – and see their bellies being kicked and jostled. So I guess they deserved their edgy attitude.

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Ali adored canoeing as much as I do. I’m trying to convince her to go on a canoe trip on the Cahaba, but she’s quite convinced that she’s a lake canoer, not a rocky riverbed canoer.

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I have no idea why Noah struck this pose. But I hear he’ll be starring in Zoolander 12.

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And finally, here are some of the random strangers that let me take their pictures for the State Park’s Photo Collection. Because Random Strangers are the best.

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Aaaaand….now I’m ready to go back. Who’s with me?

On Running Away While Staying in Town.

Starting Friday afternoon, I took an unexpected four day/three night vacation.

…Something about that sounds like I went to prison, but no.

We, as a family, discovered the pure joy in taking a completely unplanned weekend getaway.

It all started at noon on Friday. Chris had told me he was going to be trail running the next morning at Oak Mountain State Park, and he’d love for us to join him out there for a day of family fun after his run. I also help out the state park system every now and then to provide them with pictures for marketing to help keep the state parks open (because we’ve had our share of State Park…and all other sorts of governmental drama in Alabama lately), and they had requested some specific pictures not long ago. It hit me that this might be a perfect weekend to stay in one of the cabins there, take pictures, play as a family, and get away. I checked with Chris, and he told me that in fact there was also a Birmingham Ultra Trail Society (BUTS, my favorite group acronym ever) trail run up to King’s Chair for sunrise on Sunday, and that I should go to that.

Well that sealed the deal. There’s no way I’d do a pre-dawn trail run if I weren’t staying 2 minutes from the starting point. This was a fantastic chance to see something I’d probably only see once in my life, and I was for sure now. This needed to happen.

But the chances that the ten cabins in the biggest state park in Alabama were not all booked seemed farfetched – especially since it was 3pm on Friday before I was able to check. But I contacted them anyway. And to further the trend of everything coming together for us, a wedding had just been cancelled and eight of the cabins were now available.

I mean sure. I was sad for the people who cancelled their wedding one day beforehand, but, better to realize mistakes before rather than after the nuptials. My condolences / congratulations, former couple.

And I was appreciative of the sudden availability of cabins.

It was 3:13pm when I got confirmation that we had a cabin for two nights and began packing. Check-in was at 4pm. I pulled out of my driveway at 3:59pm, everything packed except for Chris’ clothes, which he would get on his way after work.

I was pretty proud of my mad packing skills.

I have so many pictures to go through and thoughts to sort out and I’m sure I’ll come back and share more about our trip, but until then, here are the nine reasons why this spontaneous jaunt half an hour away might have been the best family vacation we have ever taken.

  1. We didn’t overplan or overpack – we had (nearly) everything we needed with only 45 minutes per adult of prep and packing. The things we forgot (mental notes for next time): folding chairs, paper plates and cups (there were real plates and cups in the cabin but who wants to do dishes), and a net to catch bugs, frogs, and turtles (just kidding, turtles. Kinda.)
  2. There was no internet and spotty cell service (“Tranquility Lake” might be code for “You might as well throw your devices out the window”.) We perfected the cell spots around the outside of the cabin for checking in and not being totally unplugged, but the forced unpluggedness was really quite lovely. Chris and I sat on the porch every night, listened to the extraordinarily loud (and, we suspected, amorous) frogs,  and felt no guilt about the fact that I just couldn’t blog and Chris just couldn’t read Twitter. I mean sure I could’ve written and published later, but I didn’t. I only opened my computer for photo editing.
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  3. The cabins are at an ideal location within Oak Mountain. There are 10,000 acres out there, so you can drive 6 miles between various activities. But at the cabins, there’s an unofficial trailhead as many trails cross paths there, there are canoes and boats, there’s a few tiny beaches and a lovely dock, and a gorgeous waterfall I didn’t even know existed less than half a mile away. So there was plenty to do, and also plenty to keep the kids entertained while we were at the cabin.160417_MG_0522

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  4. We decided on Sunday that we wanted to stay an extra night, and so Chris was able to just commute to work the next morning. I remember doing this as a kid from Tannehill State Park – we would “vacation” during the week, and my Dad would just drive in to work every day. I’ve always wanted to recreate this experience, but Tannehill is way too far from Chris’ office. Oak Mountain isn’t super close, but it’s not undoable. We are definitely looking at doing this more often, and would LOVE for friends to rent other cabins at the same time, and just have complete and absolute kid heaven.
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  5. The lake is small enough that Ali and I or Ali and Chris could canoe (she adored it) while Noah played at the dock (he allowed me to take him on a couple canoe trips but wasn’t a voluntary fan) and whichever responsible adult was in the canoe could keep an eye on him. Noah also could yell to said canoe, but somehow couldn’t hear me yelling back “BE QUIET!!” The kid doesn’t understand the meaning of “Tranquility Lake.”
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  6. There are SO MANY DISCOVERIES to be made at Oak Mountain. We still can’t even comprehend it all. Besides there being a ridiculous number of miles of trails (over 60) and many of those trails being vastly different in terrain and foliage, there were all sorts of things we didn’t even know existed. Like the demonstration farm with peacocks and donkeys and goats? No idea that was there. And Flip Side, the zip line ski park? I knew it was there, but just barely, and we haven’t done it yet but OH MY GOSH it looks fun. And then there are paddle boats and kayaking and paddle boarding and the BMX track and even golf. For so long we stayed at many other state parks but never Oak Mountain because “it was so close to home it didn’t feel like vacation.” We were wrong. SO WRONG.
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  7.  Our kids are at the perfect age for outdoor vacations. They hiked without complaining (mostly), endlessly played together perfectly, thanked us many times for taking them on a last minute trip (they found out about it 15 minutes before we walked out the door and didn’t know where we were going until we arrived), and enjoyed the lake without us worrying about them. I mean, I want to take the kids to Disney, but based on our track record, I think that perhaps we may be more cabin-in-the-woods kind of family than a theme park kind of family.
  8. Something about the unplannedness made it feel that much more relaxing. It was such a surprise to our systems that we all four appreciated it so much deeper than usual. It’s probably a feeling that is entirely unrecreatable, but it was just magical.
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  9. King’s Chair is an awesome hike and view, but one I’ve never done with kids (too steep) or for sunrise (too dark.) Staying out there for so long made both challenges much more attainable, and I did both. In the same day. My feet nearly fell off.

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So, friends and family. We will be planning more cabins-at-Oak-Mountain trips soon. And you really should consider joining us. Because I think we might have discovered Heaven In Birmingham.

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More pictures and less words to come…

Exploring Secrets in Birmingham.

A couple of weeks ago, I shared 30 really cool places that the kids and I like to visit on hikes. But, regardless of the destination’s level of “knownness”, pretty much all of them are on the grid. They can be found on hiking maps, they’re not hidden, and they’re available for public use.

But since I published that post, various people have been whispering in my ear. “But did you know about this place? It’s kind of a secret though so you can’t publish the location online…”

And so the kids and I have been tracking down and finding some of the “secret” destinations in Alabama.

Why are they secret?

Well, there are some places in nature preserves that they don’t want the public accessing – whether it be for safety or preservation or liability or whatnot. And then, there are some places that special interest groups don’t want overrun by people, because, well, humans can be jerks.

(Not you. Obviously not you. You’re not a jerk at all. But we’ve all encountered jerks. Or the evidence of jerks past.)

One thing I’ve been wanting to do with the kids for quite some time is a fossil hunt. I remember my Dad taking my siblings and I on a fossil hunt when I was a kid, and it is such a fond memory. We sifted through a giant quarry of slate, broke open rocks, and found plant and animal imprints. Alabama is one of the richest places to find fossils in the United States, but you have to know where to look – and therein lies the problem.

Fossil groups are famously secretive about their spots, and all of my internet searching proved useless when trying to find a spot to hunt. I even asked my parents where it was my Dad had taken us, but it was in a construction site that was long ago developed.

However, someone shared a spot with me recently. And ironically, it was five minutes from our house.

We went the very next day, and some of their leftovers were still there, giving us a great head start on our hunt.

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I was pretty excited. As were the kids – I mean their excitement lasted for like a whole three minutes and a half.

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The spot was on a river, so I sent them out into the water to find more slate.

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They were way more interested in bridge ruins, but did some rock-picking-up as well.

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…Until Ali screamed and dropped something back in the water.

“AUGHHHH! I just picked up a giant jawbone with teeth still on it!!”

“WHERE?! Get it again!!”

“I don’t want to touch it!!!!”

“But how cool?? A JAWBONE!! Find it!”

“Hold on let me get a sock to put over my hand.”

By the time she got back to searching, the jawbone could not be found. I even braved the cold water to see if I could find it, but apparently it floated down the river to greener pastures.

Every time Ali has told the story of picking up the monstrous jawbone, it’s gotten bigger. It is currently the size of a small elephant. Perhaps a Wooly Mammoth. But whatever it was, it would have been a museum piece. She’s sure of it.

We cracked a bunch of rocks and found dozens of fossils. Fossils are oddly hard to photograph, so you may just have to trust me. All were plants except for one small shell imprint – the circle on the middle rock. I swear – up close, they’re so intricate. I guess I’m just not a qualified fossil photographer.

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Another day, we set out to find a hidden quarry, only accessible by a cave, that a friend told me about. She gave me detailed instructions on how to get there, but since it was off the map, I was left to my own listening skills.

One particular sentence she said was important.

“When I’m looking for it, I always say, ‘is this the trail? No…is this? No…”

That’s vital information.

Because I took the second trail I found, and it was definitely the wrong one.

The trail went up a steep mountainside, as did the right one, but the wrong one was very nearly unclimbable. Especially for little legs.

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There was crying. There was slipping down the mountainside. There was a VERY muddy backside.

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(Later, he insisted he didn’t need a bath – just a change of pants. I did not agree.)

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But we finally made it up the hill and discovered the wrong quarry.

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There was no promised cave, there was no 360 degree rock surround, but hey – we’d made a discovery.

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Which was cool and wonderful – until it was time to go back down The Impossible Trail.

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Noah decided to take the whole thing on his butt, because why not when your butt is already black with forest.

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It took some convincing and begging and bribery, but I managed to somehow manipulate my darling children into taking the next unmarked straight-up-the-mountain trail, which oh-so-thankfully was the right trail and not nearly as harrowing as the wrong one had been.

At the top, there was the promised cave…

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That was perfect for walking through…

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Which led to a magnificently surrounded ecosystem.

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Was the pain and anguish of the wrong trail worth the end result?

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Absolutely. But I was begged, bribed, and forced to promise to never take them on the wrong trail ever again.

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I’m not gonna lie. Pulling my five-year-old up a mountainside created some serious soreness in my body. But that soreness was overlooked when the very next morning, my Dad texted me and requested that I entertain him and the three cousins. They were staying overnight with my parents, and my Mom needed to paint the house, and Dad needed to remove the children from the area so that she could accomplish her goals.

I eagerly told Dad, “There’s a secret quarry! And a cave! Y’all will love it!”

My kids groaned.

“YOU PROMISED YOU’D NEVER TAKE US ON THAT TRAIL AGAIN!!”

“I won’t take you on the wrong trail. I promise.”

And I didn’t.

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I led our little hiking troupe back to the right trail, up the mountain, and to the cave and secret quarry.

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The five kids ran into the quarry and immediately began climbing the walls like cracked-out hamsters escaping an open cage. Dad and I immediately began wildly looking in every direction, counting to five over and over again.

And it wasn’t an easy count to five, either. Can you find all five?

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They’re there. Some higher than others.

One repeatedly got even higher (look to the left of the tree…children should never just be dots in the horizon.)

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Obvs, he got put in time out. Twice. By his grandfather.

The youngest started climbing a wall, too, then looked down and panicked.

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While she screamed and cried and flailed herself until she nearly slipped, thereby making her scream and cry more violently, I hurriedly climbed the wall to save her, all while nearly slipping myself.

Right as she and I returned to earth, my Dad pointed up the giant patch of poison ivy we had just traversed through.

Not surprisingly, I am still poisoned. And she is perfectly fine.

My Dad got tired of counting to five and putting one particular child in time out, so he decided to start a story circle. It was a killer Granddad move. He began a story, then each kid got a turn adding to it.

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There were pirates and bears and adventure abounding. It kept the boys still for two whole minutes, and the girls entertained for at least ten. At any rate, it was long enough for me to go set my camera up and take a cave selfie using my phone to shoot through my camera like the geek that I am.

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I even took an eternal photo – with glee and geekery!

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I know. I’m stupid. But Noah was impressed, anyway.

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Chris met us there and we began to hike out, but not before all children but Ali cried from skinning a knee or getting stuck on a cave wall or whipping themselves in the eye with a large branch while trying to catapult their backpack from said branch.

(In true Granddad fashion, my dad mumbled under his breath, “If you’re gonna be stupid, you gotta be tough.”)

Dad grumbled several times about being too old for this, but considering that he’d made it this far, I figured he was doing pretty well for an old guy who left his blood sugar snack in the car.

…But because of that snack being left behind, when Chris asked if we wanted to hike up to the overlook before we finished our hike, I was able to say the phrase in full literalness,

“We can’t hike any further because Dad left his nuts in the car.”

And at that point, my life was complete.

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Editor’s Note: After our hike we ate lunch at Chick-Fil-A, where Ali managed to run into the playplace door and bang up her leg, causing the fifth of five cousins to shed tears. After feeding all five of them and rounding up all five of them from the playplace, I agreed with Dad – I’m too old for this stuff. And whether or not he ever asks me to entertain him again is quite questionable.