Hi there – Noah here. The servant that calls herself “Mommy” told me that I had a lot of fans from my last post, so I decided to guest blog for her again. Plus, both servants ditched me at the Grandparents for the first time and fled town to one of Mommy’s favorite places for the weekend, and even though I wasn’t around to consume her every waking second, she still couldn’t find the time to blog.
I wonder what they were doing all that time…
Anyway. In my last post, I wrote my Memoirs. So today, I want to write about my future. I have aspirations for my life, and I’m not just going to lay around and let life pass me by, even if I don’t know how to sit up quite yet!
I want to go to Hollywood.
No, not just because I’ve been watching American Idol with the servants. Besides – that guy with the big lips kinda scares me – especially since the Mommy Servant told me that would happen to my lips if I ate too slow.
I guess that’s how his lips got that way.
Anyway. Hollywood. I want to be an actor.
And so, I’ve been working on my auditioning skills.
First, I started with simple characters…
Such as…an old, beer-bellied Italian Grandfather giving a long-winded speech to his glazed-over grandchild:
A cheering football fan, slightly wild-eyed-passionate-for-my-team, but not quite to the killing-trees state of “fandom”:
That annoying student that there’s one of in every class – the one who can’t help but have a comment on every single stinkin’ thing the teacher has to say:
And the traumatized employee on which the boss blows up.
After perfecting those AWESOME characters, I wanted to show how talented I am at impressions – to prove that I can handle just about any role that Hollywood would allow me to play…you know, in case they decide to hire me and that E-Trade baby to remake some old films.
Chloe from 24, with that characteristic “something smells” look on her face:
(I think something DID smell in that audition clip…)
Romeo, speaking up to Juliet on her balcony:
(That audition can also double as President Obama during a rousing speech. Man I’d love to play him in his Memoir Movie one day, but the Mommy Servant said something about me not having the right genetics…whatever that means.)
Jason Bourne, recklessly driving a small European sports car through the streets of Paris:
Jackie Chan, in every movie he’s ever been in:
I worked the hardest on Harry Potter. I wanted to show my ability to act out an entire Harry Potter Scene, one-baby-style. And it’s pure magic, I tell ya…
Professor Snape, casting an Expelliarmus!!
Harry, blocking the spell!!
Snape, becoming confused and befuddled after Harry’s Confundo spell!
Hermione, scolding Harry with great disapproval for fighting with a Professor!
Ron, looking a bit shocked and confused over the whole thing!
And finally, Dumbledore, wand drawn, arrives to break up the fight!
– Oh wait – I’m getting a call from my agent…
“Good work, son. Impressive acting skills. But if you want to be an A-Lister, you’ve gotta be able to put on a million dollar smile with which to charm all the ladies. Do ya have it in you?”
Oh yeah…I can make Justin Bieber look like Gary Busey when he’s compared to me!! Sending over my head shots now…
“You’ve got yourself quite a future, son. And I’m especially glad to see you grew some eyebrows. But if you really want to show up Bieber, you might want to consider some bangs.”
Maybe if I push hard enough…
Um, no bangs came out, but does anyone happen to have a fresh diaper?