The Romper’s Creepy Uncle Has Arrived.

I tend to be a late adopter of new fashion trends. I like to justify that this is with good reason – as trends take hold, they get tweaked and redesigned, and if said trend withstands the test of time, the end result is much more flattering than where it started. Skinny Jeans are a perfect example of this. When they came out, their shape turned everyone into an upside-down triangle drawn by a three-year-old (three-year-olds draw their upside-down-triangles with wiggles and lumps everywhere.) But as their roots in fashion took hold, the fabrics, colors, and cuts became much more of a delight to the typical woman’s body.

I haven’t gotten here with rompers yet, but I will admit that I’m close. I have finally started seeing rompers that give shape and don’t just look like a kindergartener’s favorite outfit and/or a 1985 floral bedsheet with a fitted corner at the waist. Rompers used to make everyone look five sizes too big, but now they’re starting to nearly show kindness to the female form.

That was, until rompers went to a frat party, got totally high, and had THE BEST IDEA EVER, DUDE.

I hereby introduce, the RompHim.

Just launched as a Kickstarter two days ago, the RompHim is, you guessed it, a romper for the fashion forward man.

RompHim PictureSomebody please tell Models #2 and #5 that 100% cotton rips scary easy.

That’s right, ladies: for the tiny price of $95, your husband can look like he just woke up, bleary-eyed, to see Peter Pan at his window.

RompHim Peter PanJohn and Michael Darling! Come down from that windowsill at once!!

Except that it’s not for off-broadway reproductions of British classics. It’s for hip Millennials drinking craft beer and wearing multiple all-access bracelets (or psych ward ID bracelets – can’t read the writing from here.)

RompHim 6Do you think Chip and Alex gave their real names? If you rearrange the letters it spells HELP BEING BLACKMAILED AND/OR WILL BE BLACKMAILED IN THE FUTURE

So let’s discuss the details. What is a RompHim, really? And more importantly, WHY??

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FLATTERING CONTOURS, Y’ALL. As flattering as crochet shorts.

The RompHim is ideal for framing your assets while playing pool, bunching open awkwardly while hanging out at the fence with a neighbor, looking AHH-MAZING in your next street mural selfie, and most definitely for being a nice, thick, barrier from awkwardness the next time you find yourself sitting on the shoulders of another man.

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So if these are situations you find yourself in daily, then by all means buy yourself a RompHim. Or three.

But wait!! For just a measly $190, you can have the limited edition, perfectly wrinkled Southern Staple RompHim and show your patriotism while you romp.

RompHim 7(Secret Edition Confederate Flag RompHim available upon request. Most Likely.)

So, my girls: next time you know your guy is headed to a football game, or a hunting trip, or a multi-day hiking trip, make sure he’s properly outfitted in a RompHim. And maybe with that fiiiiiiine fur jacket on the Mister Model #6.

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And no worries that the RompHim won’t get produced en masse – it tripled its 30 day fundraising goal in less than 2 days.

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So gird your loins and prepare your hearts: you just might be exposed to an in-real-life RompHim this summer.

The Hero We’ve Been Waiting For. The Hero We Deserve.

OhMyGoodness Guys.

I have SUCH GOOD NEWS.

For the past two years, nearly everyone, on all quadrants of the political spectrum, have been living in existential dread. Overwhelming percentages of people have expressed a grave distrust in our political situation, and the entire world seems to have the same problems: political systems are hopelessly corrupt and no party seems to have the answer, nor do they have a single good-hearted candidate to bring people together.

But you already know all of this. It’s been a painful 18 months for all of us. So let’s not rehash why we need a hero in these trying times.

But I have delightful information to share with you.

We.

Have.

That.

Hero.

She’s come from a faraway place to save us all. She has a secret plan, and she’s going to unite us when no one else could.

That hero is Miley Cyrus.

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That’s right. Miley has put to bed her twerking, ball-riding, body-baring ways. Miley has mounted a knight’s steed on springs, and she is sure that she will be able to help her solve all our problems.

In a recent interview with Billboard (warning – she has not put away her language), Miley has shared that she is so committed to her cause of saving the world that she’s even sacrificed her adoration of drugs to do it. She’s completely clean, she exclaims, shocked at her own superhuman abilities…

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That’s right, y’all. TWENTY-ONE days of self-sacrifice from the depths of her heart to assist in saving the nation. But why Miley, you may ask? What is it about her specific set of skills that makes her our perfect hero? In her words (re: the day after the election)…

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That’s right. She’s gonna glue this place back together with her magical talent of being from the magical state of Tennessee. God did not give us very many people with this set of abilities. Thank goodness Miley is willing to use hers for good.

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And HOW exactly is she going to accomplish rebuilding our nation into one of likemindedness and American Utopia with her Tennesseean Superpower? Well. I hate to unearth Miley’s ground-shattering plan, but since she’s already done it, I’ll share it here with you, in the words of the great political commentator, TooFab

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It all makes perfect sense. All we have to do to change the world is have a 24 year old superhero be willing to jump into her phone booth and transform from this…

Screen Shot 2017-05-08 at 3.18.30 PMThey’re staring right at me how can I hear your politics

To this…all for us.

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All of American Goodness and Sanity is wrapped up in one woman’s clothing choices. And I, for one, have never seen a dress that made me more willing to agree with someone’s every political opinion. This is the answer we’ve all been waiting for.

Miley for President, y’all.

Please Sell Me Beachfront Property in Wyoming.

Something about the marketers that have been trying to reach me lately has seemed a bit…off. So I saved their ads. For us to discuss.

Do I wear a hair tie around my wrist most days? Yes. Is Facebook secretly videotaping me so that they are aware of this behavior? Probably. Are we seriously to the point where we need jewelry that solely functions as a hair tie holder? Oh I do hope not.

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But I admit it – I clicked. Because I had to read more about this.

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Let’s break this down.

  • If your hair tie is dingy, your hair tie is dingy. Placing a dingy hair tie on a rose gold bracelet does not change the property of said hair tie. As shown in every photo ever of Trump’s NY Penthouse, gold does not a classy look make.
  • Worry-Free. “Go throughout the day worry-free.” My GOODNESS this bracelet has high standards. Because yes, my biggest worry every day is most definitely whether the spare hair tie I have is displayed in a stylish location.
  • And am I glad to see that it comes with a Certificate of Authenticity. There are creeper vans set up on every corner in Birmingham selling knock-off versions of this nineteen dollar work of genius.

But let’s move on to much wiser ways to spend our First World money.

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I will feel so much safer on the beach this summer if I’m wearing Teapot Block. I mean, look at Mrs. Pott’s complexion. It’s like fine china!

And then there was this.

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I mean, I definitely have stretch marks. And I think they might even qualify as tiger stripes. But if they looked this amazing, I’d proudly show that mess off!

(Maybe she was just a bit streaky when she put on her Teapot block.)

But perhaps if I sat like this while I drank my smoothie, my stretch marks would magically melt away!

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Please everyone take a minute and attempt to make this exact pose while sipping a drink that doesn’t have a straw. It’s literally impossible.

I saw this product at my once-a-year visit to Wal-Mart.

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Who sees…

a) Ripple
b) Nipple

Survey says….it’s totally nipple milk.

I feel like the Arby’s marketing team was located in a state where pot was legal when they came up with this utterly brilliant catch phrase…

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I hear they hired the same marketing firm that promoted this amazing individual.

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I get Mickey Mouse or Peppa Pig. But if you can be Batman OR Elsa, you’re worthy of a phone call.

These people reached out to me – clearly I really should have taken them up on their amazing offers. Or should have just responded with an annotated version of their letter – marked up with all of their spelling and grammatical mistakes.

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I love Amazon. I live on Amazon. I really do. But I don’t like Alexa (I have Siri! Why do I need Alexa? And she’s totally a Russian spy), and furthermore, this new version of their household stalker is just downright creepy.

IMG_6554 sDidn’t feel like you were giving The Great Powers That Be enough information with their listening-in devices? No problem! Now you can add a camera to it! Be sure to keep it somewhere central so that you can be surveilled as efficiently as possible.IMG_6555 s

At first, it seems like they’re trying to put Instagram Husbands out of business. Who needs a dude to take that 500th photo for the ‘gram when you have Echo Look?

But no. They’re trying to off Instagram Wives.

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Yeah. This is totally for men. Obviously not marketed toward women. That guy totally has a personal lookbook of his outfits of the day. #OOTD.

I’ve got total FOMO (Fear of Missing Out, for those of you who don’t keep up with the latest Internet abbreviations) on this one. Am I the only one that doesn’t have $96 heeled bedroom shoes?

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I guess if I were more of a chemise and robe girl, I’d totally understand.

 

This billboard is in Birmingham, confusing me on the regular.

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Are we trying to,

a) Keep hot dogs out of hospitals (do most hot dog choking situations happen within hospitals? Because if so shouldn’t we keep hot dogs in hospitals because that’s a really convenient place to find a Heimlich Helper?)

b) Install anti-hot dog devices in patient’s throats to prevent future hot dog scenarios?

c) Lock all at-risk hot dog eaters up into a non-hot-dog cell to keep them from being able to reach their torpedo of deadly meat?

(Disclaimer: As a child, I choked on hot dogs so often that my mother peeled all of my doggy dinners. So clearly I should be ALL FOR this movement.)

By degree, I am an accountant. I am not, however, a Certified Management Accountant. But OBVIOUSLY, every CMA I know uses this exact method to flaunt their superiority. And seeing it totally makes me want to earn one.

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CMA®: Professionals so very committed to their jobs that they have nothing in their lives that is more notable to tat.