The Hero We’ve Been Waiting For. The Hero We Deserve.

OhMyGoodness Guys.

I have SUCH GOOD NEWS.

For the past two years, nearly everyone, on all quadrants of the political spectrum, have been living in existential dread. Overwhelming percentages of people have expressed a grave distrust in our political situation, and the entire world seems to have the same problems: political systems are hopelessly corrupt and no party seems to have the answer, nor do they have a single good-hearted candidate to bring people together.

But you already know all of this. It’s been a painful 18 months for all of us. So let’s not rehash why we need a hero in these trying times.

But I have delightful information to share with you.

We.

Have.

That.

Hero.

She’s come from a faraway place to save us all. She has a secret plan, and she’s going to unite us when no one else could.

That hero is Miley Cyrus.

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That’s right. Miley has put to bed her twerking, ball-riding, body-baring ways. Miley has mounted a knight’s steed on springs, and she is sure that she will be able to help her solve all our problems.

In a recent interview with Billboard (warning – she has not put away her language), Miley has shared that she is so committed to her cause of saving the world that she’s even sacrificed her adoration of drugs to do it. She’s completely clean, she exclaims, shocked at her own superhuman abilities…

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That’s right, y’all. TWENTY-ONE days of self-sacrifice from the depths of her heart to assist in saving the nation. But why Miley, you may ask? What is it about her specific set of skills that makes her our perfect hero? In her words (re: the day after the election)…

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That’s right. She’s gonna glue this place back together with her magical talent of being from the magical state of Tennessee. God did not give us very many people with this set of abilities. Thank goodness Miley is willing to use hers for good.

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And HOW exactly is she going to accomplish rebuilding our nation into one of likemindedness and American Utopia with her Tennesseean Superpower? Well. I hate to unearth Miley’s ground-shattering plan, but since she’s already done it, I’ll share it here with you, in the words of the great political commentator, TooFab

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It all makes perfect sense. All we have to do to change the world is have a 24 year old superhero be willing to jump into her phone booth and transform from this…

Screen Shot 2017-05-08 at 3.18.30 PMThey’re staring right at me how can I hear your politics

To this…all for us.

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All of American Goodness and Sanity is wrapped up in one woman’s clothing choices. And I, for one, have never seen a dress that made me more willing to agree with someone’s every political opinion. This is the answer we’ve all been waiting for.

Miley for President, y’all.

Please Sell Me Beachfront Property in Wyoming.

Something about the marketers that have been trying to reach me lately has seemed a bit…off. So I saved their ads. For us to discuss.

Do I wear a hair tie around my wrist most days? Yes. Is Facebook secretly videotaping me so that they are aware of this behavior? Probably. Are we seriously to the point where we need jewelry that solely functions as a hair tie holder? Oh I do hope not.

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But I admit it – I clicked. Because I had to read more about this.

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Let’s break this down.

  • If your hair tie is dingy, your hair tie is dingy. Placing a dingy hair tie on a rose gold bracelet does not change the property of said hair tie. As shown in every photo ever of Trump’s NY Penthouse, gold does not a classy look make.
  • Worry-Free. “Go throughout the day worry-free.” My GOODNESS this bracelet has high standards. Because yes, my biggest worry every day is most definitely whether the spare hair tie I have is displayed in a stylish location.
  • And am I glad to see that it comes with a Certificate of Authenticity. There are creeper vans set up on every corner in Birmingham selling knock-off versions of this nineteen dollar work of genius.

But let’s move on to much wiser ways to spend our First World money.

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I will feel so much safer on the beach this summer if I’m wearing Teapot Block. I mean, look at Mrs. Pott’s complexion. It’s like fine china!

And then there was this.

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I mean, I definitely have stretch marks. And I think they might even qualify as tiger stripes. But if they looked this amazing, I’d proudly show that mess off!

(Maybe she was just a bit streaky when she put on her Teapot block.)

But perhaps if I sat like this while I drank my smoothie, my stretch marks would magically melt away!

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Please everyone take a minute and attempt to make this exact pose while sipping a drink that doesn’t have a straw. It’s literally impossible.

I saw this product at my once-a-year visit to Wal-Mart.

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Who sees…

a) Ripple
b) Nipple

Survey says….it’s totally nipple milk.

I feel like the Arby’s marketing team was located in a state where pot was legal when they came up with this utterly brilliant catch phrase…

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I hear they hired the same marketing firm that promoted this amazing individual.

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I get Mickey Mouse or Peppa Pig. But if you can be Batman OR Elsa, you’re worthy of a phone call.

These people reached out to me – clearly I really should have taken them up on their amazing offers. Or should have just responded with an annotated version of their letter – marked up with all of their spelling and grammatical mistakes.

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I love Amazon. I live on Amazon. I really do. But I don’t like Alexa (I have Siri! Why do I need Alexa? And she’s totally a Russian spy), and furthermore, this new version of their household stalker is just downright creepy.

IMG_6554 sDidn’t feel like you were giving The Great Powers That Be enough information with their listening-in devices? No problem! Now you can add a camera to it! Be sure to keep it somewhere central so that you can be surveilled as efficiently as possible.IMG_6555 s

At first, it seems like they’re trying to put Instagram Husbands out of business. Who needs a dude to take that 500th photo for the ‘gram when you have Echo Look?

But no. They’re trying to off Instagram Wives.

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Yeah. This is totally for men. Obviously not marketed toward women. That guy totally has a personal lookbook of his outfits of the day. #OOTD.

I’ve got total FOMO (Fear of Missing Out, for those of you who don’t keep up with the latest Internet abbreviations) on this one. Am I the only one that doesn’t have $96 heeled bedroom shoes?

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I guess if I were more of a chemise and robe girl, I’d totally understand.

 

This billboard is in Birmingham, confusing me on the regular.

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Are we trying to,

a) Keep hot dogs out of hospitals (do most hot dog choking situations happen within hospitals? Because if so shouldn’t we keep hot dogs in hospitals because that’s a really convenient place to find a Heimlich Helper?)

b) Install anti-hot dog devices in patient’s throats to prevent future hot dog scenarios?

c) Lock all at-risk hot dog eaters up into a non-hot-dog cell to keep them from being able to reach their torpedo of deadly meat?

(Disclaimer: As a child, I choked on hot dogs so often that my mother peeled all of my doggy dinners. So clearly I should be ALL FOR this movement.)

By degree, I am an accountant. I am not, however, a Certified Management Accountant. But OBVIOUSLY, every CMA I know uses this exact method to flaunt their superiority. And seeing it totally makes me want to earn one.

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CMA®: Professionals so very committed to their jobs that they have nothing in their lives that is more notable to tat.

Unearthing a More Colorful Brain.

“1 is red – right, mom?”

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This matter-of-fact question Noah asked Monday morning while doing his math (in my dirty dressing room floor as I hung up clothes) turned his school day on end. What followed was a fascinating day of me interrogating him while becoming more and more intrigued with his brain as he very factually and without hesitation answered all of my inquiries.

“Do all numbers have a color?”

“Yes!”

“0?”

“Black.”

“2?”

“Yellow. 5 is yellow too.”

“3?”

“Blue.”

“4?”

“Orange. And 6, 7, and 8 are purple, 9 is pink. 10 is obviously red and black.”

Now it made so much sense why, after deciding to use colored pencils for math a couple weeks ago, he had started to want to do more math each day.

“What about letters? Do they have colors?”

“Obviously. A is red. B is blue and pink. C is yellow and D is brown. E is orange and F is blue and purple.”

“Days of the week? Do they have colors?”

“Yup. Yesterday was a yellow day and the day before that was a red day. Wednesday is probably a brown day. Brown or beige.”

“So what about Saturdays?”

“What did I just say that they were?? Red, Mom!!”

I had just discovered that my six-year-old had grapheme-color synesthesia. AND I WAS TOTALLY GEEKING OUT.

Grapheme-color synesthesia: When an individual’s perception of numerals and letters is associated with the experience of colors. Like all forms of synesthesia, Grapheme-color synesthesia is involuntary, consistent, and memorable.

I’d heard about synesthesia in all its forms in my psych classes in college (a fascination that I pursued in my electives), and had more recently listened to a podcast about a woman with Mirror-Touch Synesthesia – a very real and terrifying condition that caused her to physically feel everything that she saw anyone else physically experience. Hug, punch, shivers, itches – whatever.

Synesthesia is a phenomenon where two or more senses are triggered by each other in an involuntary way. Color Synesthesia is the most common, and approximately 1% of the population experiences it. A theory is that it is associated from first memories of learning the letters – kids latch onto the colors of their refrigerator magnets, or the letters in their alphabet book. But this was disproven when they discovered synesthetes who couldn’t possibly have had those early life associations. I can’t help but wonder if there is still some connection there, and if more kids have synesthesia now that they learn their letters with blazingly colorful learning apps.

There are many more bizarre synesthesias, such as where you experience tastes when certain words or sounds are spoken, where smells have a color, when time has a spatial place around you, and where letters and other things are personified as little personalities. Often, people who are synesthetes will experience more than one type, so we had other fun conversations yesterday as well, such as,

“What color is the smell of chicken fingers?”

“What?? Mom! That’s disgusting!!”

“Where is Wednesday? Is it to the left or right of you?”

“I have NO idea.”

I found an online test for synesthetes and started Noah on it. It asks you to pick a color from the whole spectrum for each letter and number, randomized and multiple times, to see if you’re consistent with your answers. It was a bit long for a six-year-old’s attention span, however, so we haven’t finished it yet. But it was delightful to listen to his dialogue as he tried to pinpoint the colors.

“No…it’s a little lighter than that…more of a lavender. Mom, how do I get this to be lighter?”

“It’s more of a green-yellow. No, not that green. Not that one either.”

“9 is definitely pink. Not green. Help me get off the green!”

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What fascinated me most was his complete consistency. When he got to B on the test, he asked “B is blue and pink. How do I do that on here? Should I just pick one or the other?”

All day long I randomly asked him the color of numbers and letters and he’d shoot back, with complete accuracy, what he’d told me before. I kept a running note in my phone because there was no way I could possibly remember his answers from one ask to the next.

While he was taking the test, Ali walked in and asked what he was doing. I explained to her that Noah saw letters and numbers in color.

“Oh! I do too. 1 is blue, 2 is lime green – “

“WRONG!” Noah didn’t even look up from his test to inform his sister that she was categorically incorrect about the properties of numbers.

Ali wasn’t so convinced that letters had a color, but she did think days of the week had color.

She started going through her list, with very specific colors, like “Tuesday is lime green and light yellow mixed together” and when she got to Friday,

“…and Friday is sunshine yellow…”

Noah piped up, appalled, “What?!? That’s Sunday!! You’re so weird.”

I had never had a more surreal conversation with my children, and I was loving every minute of it. I had turned into psychologist mom and there was no going back.

I found this picture online and showed it to him.

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“What is in this picture?”

“Fives and twos.”

“How many twos are there?”

Without taking even a second to count, he said “there are six twos,” then pointed them all out. Because apparently, his brain comprehends them much bolder than my brain does.

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(I did ask him if he saw them in color or in black and he looked at me like I was crazy. “They’re black, Mom!!”)

The next morning, I had the kids separately make their color charts.

This is Ali’s:

Ali Synesthesia Chart

I checked it against my note, and she Ali stayed consistent with her choices, other than flip-flopping on 5 and 8 being light blue / dark blue.

And this is Noah’s. The really bold characters are due to the fact that they are supposed to be purple, and he wasn’t happy that they looked a little pink on first pass.

Noah Synesthesia Chart copy

The only deviation he made from the day before was that he decided that 7 was actually green, not purple. Additionally, he informed me that uppercase e’s are yellow, but lowercase are orange – and he preferred lowercase. I asked if all uppercase and lowercase letters were different, but he said only e and f – uppercase f is blue and purple (he got mad at himself for forgetting to add blue to it, although he did draw the dual-colored B), but lowercase is beige.

One interesting fact that I found while researching: although each synesthete has their own color-mapping, the majority make A red and O white or black. Noah has consistently told me that A is red and O is blue or black.

I have no idea what this brain phenomenon really effects, other than my children’s minds being delightfully more colorful than my own, but I’m excited to figure out how to integrate it into their education.

Noah Colors

As is, apparently, Noah.

So it might be worth the question – offhandedly, out of nowhere, to your kids:

“Hey – what color is the number 5?”

Report your findings immediately.

Note: an update can be found here.