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Fall Fashion Report, For The (Drastically) Shorter Consumer.

October 15, 2009 Rachel Callahan Don't Listen to my Fashion Advice, Toddlers: The Experience

There’s a lack of toddler fashion analysis in the media today. You can’t find it in Elle. You can’t find it in Marie Claire. You can’t even find it in Cosmo. So Ali and I have recognized this reporting gap and have decided to fill it.

Just because you have less stature than an umbrella doesn’t mean you can’t be a style icon. Don’t sell yourself short!

The funkier, the better. There is nothing wrong with mixing flowers and stripes. To really turn up the funk, be sure to wear your Hello Kitty boots. On the wrong feet.
Another great way to showcase your style is to choose your glasses based on the highlights of your shirt. Not the main color, mind you – that’d be too matchy-matchy.
Corduroy Stripes are also a great way to show your style. A great tip to remember: if a pair of pants would look like clown pants on an adult, they’re perfect for a toddler.
However, clown pants or not, an outfit may feel a little bland to a two year old. So there’s nothing wrong with adding accessories.
And an extra skirt.

And a Greek dancing skirt.

In fact, when in doubt, just wear your entire toddler wardrobe at once.
Fall colors are perfect for a fall wardrobe, especially paired with Mommy’s high-school-era favorite style of shoes. Oh, the good old days of wearing Bostons in High School…
It’s not ALWAYS necessary to be dressed up. Even in your best friend comes over dressed in a pretty pretty party dress, if you are at your own house, it is fully permissible to stay in your jammies all day.
As long as you pair it with some classy accessories:
And finally, for extra dressy occasions, it never hurts to borrow clothes from said best friend. After all, the dress is always pinker on the other side…
Oh – and Wings are TOTALLY “in” this year for the most formal of occasions.

And, that’s a wrap.

To the fashion editors of Elle, Marie Claire, and Cosmo who are reading this post and absolutely DYING to pick it up for your publication: I am willing to talk. But you should know that my models are quite the divas and demand generous royalties.

The "Tamer" Parts of the Trip.

September 8, 2009 Rachel Callahan Delicious Greekness, Don't Listen to my Fashion Advice, Football and I have a Complicated Relationship

Well, you’ve of course already heard about the most, um, “interesting” part of our trip, but in addition to our Dragon*Con adventures, we had a completely packed-with-activity Atlanta weekend.

We stayed at Twelve Hotel this year, and in spite of their apparent naming chosen by a Twelve Year Old Boy (besides the name of the hotel, the restaurant was called “Room” and the bar was called “Lobby”), it was a great hotel.

Chris doesn’t feel like he gets his money’s worth out of a hotel unless we use the pool. I’m not so much of a hotel pool kind of girl (I don’t know why – just a random quirk), but being the good wife that I am, I joined him.

The pool was rooftop, so we could watch all of the Atlantians in rush hour stress:

While we got to enjoy this serene view:

As it WAS afternoon rush hour, the sun wasn’t exactly still high in the sky, and it was an overcast day as well. So, in his quest to get his money’s worth, it took Chris about 20 minutes to get this deep into the frigid pool, one centimeter at a time:

Yes, that smile was frozen on.

I, however, was perfectly satisfied getting our money’s worth on the lounge chairs. At which it didn’t take Chris too long to join me.

Friday night, we took our traditional trip to Taverna Plaka. Our waiter was especially enthusiastic and convinced us to get up and dance, arm in arm, with most of the other patrons around the entire restaurant.

I would have a picture, but my arms were tied up with Chris on one side and a very bouncy lady on the other.

And Greek dancing can really take it out of you. It was the first of many times during the weekend that I was thankful for Jillian and her Shred for getting me in shape.

At any rate, all of us patrons either wore out or wanted to get back to our dinner (they were just delivering ours as our waiter was dragging us to the other side of the restaurant), and so ALL of the waitstaff joined in and did their own very fast, very impressive crazed dance around the restaurant:

It was NOT a good time for anyone

to need a drink refill.

We enjoyed our Greek feast:

And eventually, the lone bellydancer came out to see us:
Don’t get a neck cramp, honey.

We were sitting outside at plastic deck furniture, so she (fortunately) couldn’t get up and dance on OUR table.

The next day, after the Parade of all Parades, We headed to Gameday and all of the fanfare at CNN Center and Centennial Park:

Yes, we were very shiny. It was a long walk. Note: second time of the weekend that I was grateful for Jillian and her Shred.

And, of course, I had to check out a bit of the latest Atlanta fashion (things always hit there a bit earlier than they make it to Birmingham, thereby giving me much fodder to be amazed at).

Obviously, leggings are in style with the force of a spandex brigade, and are still as bizarre as they were last year when I tried on the Gold Lamé Leggings of Shame.

Except this year, the styles are apparently a bit lacier.

You could purchase Lace Peek-a-boo paneled leggings:

But why stop with panels when you can just Completely Commit to Lace Peek-A-Boo?

But if you’re really wanting to add a bit more class to your leggings, definitely go with Victorian Ankle Buttons:

Oh – and football. I suppose you might have thought I had forgotten about it by now. But we had a great time at the game – our seats were higher than I had ever sat in a stadium – LITERALLY the last row.

Note: five hundred and sixty seventh time of the weekend that I was grateful for Jillian and her Shred.

I really love heights, so I enjoyed our seats, but it really did feel like the stadium went straight down from beneath us, so I can imagine that people who don’t like heights so much might not have been able to stomach our vantage point:

However, another benefit of the back row is that no one is behind you to spill beer in your direction. LOVE it.

AND, there was a shallow space between the back wall and our seats, so had I felt the need to sleep through the game like the olden days, it would have been much more comfortable for me, and MUCH less constricting for Chris:

I definitely discovered my calling at this football game: real-time tweeting. Admittedly, I often have trouble staying focused on the game, but I had SO much fun tweeting the game from my perspective that I actually paid MORE attention to the game than ever before.

I felt as if I were on the very cusp of social media news reporting…as if I were making history with my many Hokey Jokes. I mean – how cool is it that the NCAA almost banned tweeting at games? I almost wish that they had so that I could have felt like an underground, forbidden, repressed reporter.

But I pretended, anyway. And, if you have any interest in reading these ground-breaking tweets, I preserved them for all of social media history to come at B-Sides.

Oh – and lest you think that Dragon*Con was the only place that Zombies were in abundance, that is not the case. Apparently, zombies are very stylish this year, and the Alabama Flag Core was proud to represent:

Because, of course, the entire halftime show had to be a tribute to Michael Jackson, which can’t be done properly without “Thriller”, which can’t be done properly without a Zombified Flag Core.

At any rate, the game was quite exciting (which means that it was QUITE stressful for poor Chris and for the guy in front of me that really needed anger management classes), but by the end, Chris had a smile on his face:

Notice the empty Virginia Tech side of the stadium? Yeah, they were hokey and left early.

New Studies Prove that Replacing Mom Jeans Can Result in Surgery-Free Liposuction.

March 9, 2009 Rachel Callahan Actually Possibly Informational, Denim Drama, Don't Listen to my Fashion Advice

In my last post on Mom Jeans, I promised to show you that it can be done – you can be an older, or more “mature” Mom and not have to wear Mom Jeans. In fact, my aim was to show that someone who already admittedly wears dreadful Mom Jeans can be miraculously transformed simply by wearing the right cut of denim.

My Mom had agreed to be my subject for this before the first post was published, but I was afraid she would back out after seeing the graphic detail that I included in my project. However, when I saw her at a family lunch the day after it posted, she told me she was ready to go the next day.

My Dad, however, was not as impressed with my post. He didn’t find it funny at all, and just said that it proved the point that “women dress for other women, not for men.”

To which my Mom quickly shot back, “Of course they do!! If we dressed for men, we couldn’t go out in public!!”. To which Mammaw (my Grandmother) chimed in, “Too true!”

You really need to experience a meal with my family. The conversations we have. . . they are too joyous for words.

I explained to my Dad in my most analytical voice that actually that is NOT true. Women dress for themselves primarily. All women really just want to “feel good” about how they look. They do, however, secondarily dress for other women, tertiarily dress for their husband, and quaternarily dress for other men.

I didn’t use tertiarily and quaternarily in my original speech, but I do love those words, even if they are improper versions of tertiary and quaternary.

So we promised to meet at the research facility the next morning.

Then I got nervous.

What if I couldn’t pull this off?

What if she hopelessly had The Dreaded Long Butt and my theories were wrong?

What if it truly was not avoidable in some cases?

Oh, the anxiety was gripping.

But I was relieved, delighted, and a wee bit shocked at the outcome of our research. So, without further ado, here is my report:

The Study of the Replacement of Mom Jeans in Moms over 50 Years Old

Hypothesis: That the condition known as “Long Butt” and proven as simply a wardrobe mistake in previous works can also be replaced with much more flattering looks even for more mature Moms, and that proper dressage in appropriate jeans can be potentially life changing.

Research Laboratory: Riverchase Galleria.

Test Subject:

Subject C: Sara.

Aliases include: Mom, Grammama, Miss Sara.

Age: 57.
Height: 5’5″.
Size: 12-14.
Mom Status: 3 Kids – ages 29, 27, and 22; 2 Grandkids – ages 2, and 9 mos.

Subject C is a self-admitted Mom Jeans wearer. After reading The Researcher’s prior research, she admitted to committing all of the cited Mom-Jean crimes. This fact changes the research methods from trying to prove a point to prevent Mom Jeaneage to actually trying to reverse the current Mom Jean situation. Which can be woefully seen in the subject’s Natural Habitat: Testing Standards: As opposed to the prior research, we did not stay only in her current size of jeans, as we are trying to fix an issue here, not just prove a point. However,regardless of how bad The Researcher would have liked to have modified the rest of her clothing to match the new jeans, they were kept the same in the name of proper research standards. Fixing everything else will have to be another test for another day.

Testing Oversight: Provided by Ali,LLP. Yes, she lost her partner, Radford. However, she DID have some help from Elaine, our fitting room associate, who can be seen in some of the pictures as well.

Here is the research team (photographed by the above mentioned Elaine), which included Ali, LLP; The Researcher; and Subject C:

Our first and most productive stop in our research was Ann Taylor. This store ended up being a perfect fit for Subject C’s body phase.

An important factor of finding the right jean is to first recognize that us as women go through many body “phases” from the time we’re 10 years old until we die. I mean, NOTHING stays the same for long, does it?

So you must be willing to try jeans at different stores until you find the one that fits your current body phase the best. Most stores cater to a specific age group, which can help steer you in the right direction, but still may not be entirely right for you. For example:

Delia’s – Typical body phase market = 12-20 years old.
Express – Typical body phase market = 15-30 years old.
Gap – Typical body phase market = 20-35 years old.
New York & Company – Typical body phase market = 25-40 years old.
Ann Taylor – Typical body phase market = 30-50 years old.
Chico’s – Typical body phase market = 45-70 years old.
Sear’s (where all Mom Jeans in previous post were tried on) – Typical body phase market = 70-150 years old, or for anyone who just happened to time warp straight from the 1980’s.

Disclaimer: all above data is in The Researcher’s approximations, and is not information from the mentioned stores.

Back to the data. For comparison, here is the view of Subject C’s natural habitat again:
And here is the first pair of jeans (size 10) that Subject C tried on at Ann Taylor (and please forgive the flash, but The Researcher couldn’t pull Subject C away from the mirror after changing her life):YES. It’s true. Subject C DID, in fact, just lose 30 pounds and have a 50% butt shrinkage factor before your very eyes. The Researcher AND Subject C were completely floored.

Let’s point out the factors that contribute to this amazing transformation.

1. Length: This was discussed at length (no pun intended) in prior research, but this is a perfect example. Having jeans that are short give the effect of the worst, most unflattering pair of “skinny jeans” ever, because they bring all of the attention to the smallest part, ankles, giving the effect of a triangle:
Subject C was insistent that the new jeans were too long, but even though they seem long by traditional standards, the results are undeniable. Jeans that almost come to the floor dramatically lengthen the leg.

2. Leg line: This goes hand in hand with length. Besides the length being too short, the cut of Subject C’s old jeans was “tapered”. This just heightens the triangle effect. Notice that her 2 year old Granddaughter understands the importance of length AND leg line better than Subject C:
Subject C’s new length and leg line, which is “boot cut” (MAYBE the length is a quarter of an inch too long, but it would be perfect if Subject C would wear ANY KIND OF HEEL AT ALL):
2. Pocketage: I will not dwell on this point because it was belabored quite thoroughly in prior research. If you don’t know what I am referring to, PLEASE go back and get a refresher, as this is the most pivotal point of all research done.

Previous butt:New Butt:
The Researcher sincerely had NO IDEA that Subject C had such a non-Mom, curvy-and-not-flat-or-long butt under there. If this isn’t proof enough that it’s all in the pockets, then nothing is.

3. Modern cut and Detail: Notice the modern pocket stitching and the fading detail in the front. The Researcher seriously COULD NOT believe how skinny Subject C looks at this angle.
The Researcher’s husband, upon seeing this picture of his Mother-In-Law, said, “That looks like YOU, not your Mother!!”

Of which The Researcher is choosing to take the compliment that she transformed Subject C, rather than taking the insult that her husband told her that she looked like her Mother.

Final pictures of this pair, just to reiterate the point that there absolutely MUST be a bucket of 30 pounds of prior body weight sitting in the corner of that Ann Taylor dressing room:
Can you believe that butt gets free coffee at McDonalds?! She may start getting carded!

And a front view of a thoroughly shocked and excited Subject C, upon discovering the body she didn’t think she had:

The above jeans were $79, but were on sale for $39. They were purchased by The Researcher for Subject C as payment for any and all intended or implied insults in this research document. Hopefully this doesn’t violate any ethics in research clauses, but the Oversight Committee DID approve of the purchase.

The second pair of jeans we researched were the Trouser pant. The Trouser Pant is a sophisticated, modern, yet mature look for those not yet convinced of the hip leg cut illustrated above. They are more dressy, and can be done very right or very wrong.

First, done right:

Notice the flapped pocket, the still-tapered fit, and the modern wash.
The Researcher still felt that the above pair were too baggy (size 10), so she went and got Subject C a Size 8 (at which point Subject C fainted onto the floor). And although The Researcher felt that the fit was better, Subject C was quick to point out that it did, indeed, create a Muffin Top (lingo that Subject C obviously learned from The Researcher’s prior research):
So the Researcher agreed that concessions could be made for a looser fit, but only to avoid Muffin Tops.

Now, let’s look at the Trouser pant done wrong. This was at a different store (which will remain unnamed since we found nothing positive there, but we can just say it was an “Older Age Ranged Store”):
This trouser pant presents multiple problems:
1. No Shape/Too Baggy: The leg cut is more like a very poorly tailored pair of dress pants, and so they end up looking very unflattering.

2. Pocket: The flap pocket is preferred in most cases, because it draws attention away from any potentially saggy-looking lower-butt curvature. Also, if one’s shirt covers those tiny pocket entries, then it has major potential to just look like the Grandma Jean, as defined in prior research:
Here is another Trouser Pant done wrong, except in the opposite direction. These were tried on at a “Younger Age Range” store:
The wash and length were good, but the rear was too tight, which was just accentuated by, again, having no pocket flaps to detract attention from the fit.

After all of this research, the consensus was definitely that Ann Taylor was the ideal store for Subject C’s body type.

So now research has proven the Mom Jeans/Long Butt Theory both ways. Subject A and B, who didn’t wear Mom Jeans, showed that they can have a Long Butt by wearing Mom Jeans. Subject C, who has been wearing Mom Jeans for decades, has shown the immediate and dramatic improvements that come about by NOT wearing Mom Jeans.

And with that, I leave you with hot Subject C’s profile:
Who knew she was such a hot Gramamma??

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