Zulily Strikes Back.

I used Christmas shopping as an excuse to go on a bit of a Zulily bender.

As such, when I got my credit card bill, it read something like this:

Zulily
Amazon
Zulily
Nabeel’s
Amazon
Zulily
Amazon
Nabeel’s
Zulily
Amazon

(Multiplied by 32.)

So I decided that I better put that little app aside for a long while, even if it did mean ending my Zulily Blog Series.

And I did.

…until a couple of weeks ago, when I got a notification that I quite mysteriously had a $20 credit. The only thing I can figure is that Zulily was distraught that I didn’t write a Twelve Days O’ Mocking Zulily Christmas Post.

(I’m kind of disappointed too, now that I think about it.)

And so I coasted back down that slippery slope into the land of Smock and Weird…and Weird Smock.

Like this piece, which I’m sure I will be seeing this summer, because nothing personifies The South better than spandex, camouflage, flip flops, and smock:

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If Honey Boo Boo doesn’t wear that for the swimsuit portion of her next pageant, there’s no justice in Dixie.

Male Smock makes me a bit misty-eyed, knowing that my son will never get to experience such pageantry due to husbandly rulings (and wife agreeings.)

(And yes, for the record, Ali did wear one smock one time. Then I washed that smock and it came out so wrinkled that it never stood a chance for a rematch.)

When it comes to Male Smock, you want to make sure that you dress them with appropriate career aspirations.

If you think that your precious rugrat is a genius that needs only the proper inspiration the achieve greatness, then this is the smock for you:

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But if you suspect that he’s more suited to bulldozing large piles of chocolate chip cookie dough to and fro, then Zulily has that covered, too.

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If your husband insists that you keep your Male Smock Tendencies a private affair, not to worry – you can always go with the Musical Smock Pillow Option (MSPO.)

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And if your daughter is rebelliously opposed to The Smock Look (as I was when a child,) you can help the brainwashing along by buying her this:

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It could have changed everything for my Mother.

Not into smock?

No worries!

Zulily has a plethora of Alternative Easter Sunday Options!

Because you really can’t say “He is Risen” better than you can with bedazzling and awkwardly placed tulle.

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And if you want to make sure that you’re raising the next Kardashianesque Reality Star, make sure that you thoroughly pad your daughter’s little self-esteem with this top*:

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* Faux glitter tears not included.

Easter, Reality Show Dreams, Smock Needs – Zulily solves all sorts of problems.

But wait – that’s not all!!

Have you been dressing your infant in softspot–to–toejam bows, yet still find that you’re not getting enough affirmation from your friends and family for your efforts?

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If so, then buy this jewel – it will help reinforce your absolute and utter Bowing Superiority.

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The above shirt is highly recommended with the following beanie-bow – the best option to ensure that their entire scalp circumference is properly adorned.

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So neither bows or smock are your thing. Let’s say you’re more of an animal print Momma.

Do you feel that all of the infant animal print offerings are too figurative?

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Giving just a taste of the print you crave, but not enough to make a full statement?

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Yes, Zulily carries those too,

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But they also carry the more literal interpretation that you have been searching for all of your life.

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Because you just can’t go wrong with three-dimensional trunks springing from your child’s chest and padded paws from her crotch.

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.

But you must consider your child’s needs, too.

Every single time I survey infants to seek out their preferences, one of their chief complaints is the lack of breathable clothing.

“More holes,” they say.

“Less warmth!”

Zulily is here for you, baby.

Clothe your little bundle of sweat with the flexibility and breathability offered by twelve inches of rhinoceros intestinal tract!

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Not recommended in areas where wasps or bees may be present, as they may mistake your child’s chest for their nest.

If you find that your little one really gets on with this no-shirt look, then on their next romper, skip the torso altogether and go for The Fly Fishing Look:

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But Zulily doesn’t just solve clothing conundrums.

No!

Does your infant disapprove of a thermometer being jammed into his sphincter?

There’s only one thing that can turn that frown upside down – letting porky do the dirty work.

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Or, if they prefer nose over tail, let Dumbo take on the job.

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But all of the above was the boring stuff.

Women’s Shoes are Where. It’s. At.

I leave you this collection with no commentary, because any amount of narration would pale in comparison to the products at hand.

Please scroll slowly.

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And all of the Lady Gaga impersonators said Amen.

Leave your comment below!

Comments

  1. I have no words. Do people really wear shoes like that??

  2. Wow. I thought it was tacky and inappropriate when I shopped for my pre-teen daughters and found way too many barely=there outfits. But a tube top for an infant? What were they thinking???

    And those shoes. Gah.

  3. Oh my goodness! I had no idea such tackiness existed – and I’ve been to Wal-Mart!
    The poor baby in the Serendipity ad looks like she’s afraid the bows are going to eat her.
    And the shoes??? You’re right – there are no words! But Purple McGillionare is a great name for shoes ;-)

  4. Those shoes look like the belong on Hunger Games. I say bring back the Zulily posts!

  5. I get emails from Zulily all the time (even though I don’t remember signing up for them and I have no children to torture with horrible clothing choices), but I’ve never actually seen the site. Based on what I’ve seen in your posts, their buyers must be specifically targeting items that look like Kim Kardashian and Lady Gaga had a baby, and that baby threw up an entire website full of incredibly trashy and/or bizarre clothing. For babies and little kids to wear. I have no words, either.

  6. WHAT?!

    Also I didn’t know about Southern smock culture before reading your blog. I thought it was only used for summer beach cover up s…I have two of those but they don’t have little hearts and flowers stitched into them! I think you’re allowed to be a little cheesy at the beach.

    • I know what you’re talking about, and that isn’t smock – no worries! We have those too. It’s only smock if the gathering has embroidery on top of it.

  7. Melanie Miller says:

    BAHaHaHaHaHaHaHa!!! Oh. My. Word. Is this for real?!?

    I particularly love the zebra cuffed leggings and the CAT DISCO shoes.
    *snicker*
    Seriously. What are they thinking?
    “snort*
    It’s too much, Rachel.
    Carry on with the mocking, carry on!

  8. OK now my eyes hurt!

  9. I LOVE Zulily, LOVE it. It’s my fave shopping site! Now, that said…I think they send you the *special* blogger email! LOL. I find the *cutest* stuff on there. And not a single smock to be found!granted, I refuse to open a store that has smock in the name! LOL. I did see those shoes! I DIED laughing!! And my DD wants the glitter shirt with a desperation that knows no bounds (but she already has the Little Miss Sassy Pants outfit, so she’s outta luck)! I love your Zulily posts, they crack.me.up. Esp because I NEVER seem to find this crazy stuff over there! Nice work!

    • Well, as I said, I had to cut myself off because I spent too much. So I definitely find the cute stuff too – it’s just that the weird stuff is so much more fun to look at…

  10. Animal rectal thermometers….I have been scarred for life…

  11. All I could think when I saw that pig thermometer is that it looks just like a meat thermometer. Just hope Dad never gets mixed up and mistakes it to test the hamburgers.

  12. How do kids walk with giant cuffs and/or ruffles around their ankles? My poor kids had enough issues with walking in normal pants. I’m not saying they got their clumsiness from me, but I will say all my jeans have holes in the knees.

  13. Ha hahah, I love Zulily, and sometimes they have the oddest combinations of designers! Sometimes I click on those links just to see if any of them truly do sell out. Who buys those things?!

    (Although, I was SERIOUSLY considering buying that green and red Abigail shoe. LOVE. IT. The furry woman’s boot looks like an alpaca foot though).

  14. Zullily. Bless their hearts.

    With that said, I have actually found some cute stuff on there, but it’s always sold out.

  15. Eleanorjane says:

    Ha! Those shoes look like someone in China made a reasonable sensible shoe then someone somewhere else went *crazy* with embellishments. It’s like they had masses of bits of ribbon, feather, fur, studs etc that they needed to get rid of for some reason so they threw as much as possible at each shoe.

  16. Wow. Those shoes. You’re right, no words! I too have been taking a Zulily break since the husband wasn’t liking the credit card statement. Looks a lot like yours! It’s the free shipping after the first thing. It makes it sucks better deal to buy things in bulk! Haha:)

  17. Those purple mcgillianaire (?) shoes scare me! Is smock a new popular thing for kids? I don’t remember seeing or buying any smock for my son. He’s twenty now so I’m talking 15 to 20 years ago. Maybe I just missed the memo. Not surprising!

  18. Clearly I’ve never had much exposure to Zulily as I can’t IMAGINE what on earth you find there to actually spend money on!! This stuff always baffles me!

  19. Lindsey Murphy says:

    1. They need to make boy smock with calculators and the Excel logo on them…you know…for the business men and accountants out there. That and a Starbucks one for all the guys who get liberal arts degrees.*
    2. Those shoes look like they belong in Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland. Oh my goodness.
    3. That elephant outfit…it could be worse. At least the trunk was on the chest and the pawprints were on the crotch
    and not the other way around….

    * no hate to the liberal arts dudes. my husband and I both have liberal arts degrees…so we speak from experience…

  20. Gotta be honest, I was pretty excited to see this latest in your Zulily series! I really enjoy your blog – I’m not sure how you aren’t making the big bucks from it! :)

  21. wow. having never shopped on zulilly or even looked at it, i would have to surmise that all their stuff is crazy weird based on your posts ;)

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