Zulily Strikes Back.

I used Christmas shopping as an excuse to go on a bit of a Zulily bender.

As such, when I got my credit card bill, it read something like this:


(Multiplied by 32.)

So I decided that I better put that little app aside for a long while, even if it did mean ending my Zulily Blog Series.

And I did.

…until a couple of weeks ago, when I got a notification that I quite mysteriously had a $20 credit. The only thing I can figure is that Zulily was distraught that I didn’t write a Twelve Days O’ Mocking Zulily Christmas Post.

(I’m kind of disappointed too, now that I think about it.)

And so I coasted back down that slippery slope into the land of Smock and Weird…and Weird Smock.

Like this piece, which I’m sure I will be seeing this summer, because nothing personifies The South better than spandex, camouflage, flip flops, and smock:


If Honey Boo Boo doesn’t wear that for the swimsuit portion of her next pageant, there’s no justice in Dixie.

Male Smock makes me a bit misty-eyed, knowing that my son will never get to experience such pageantry due to husbandly rulings (and wife agreeings.)

(And yes, for the record, Ali did wear one smock one time. Then I washed that smock and it came out so wrinkled that it never stood a chance for a rematch.)

When it comes to Male Smock, you want to make sure that you dress them with appropriate career aspirations.

If you think that your precious rugrat is a genius that needs only the proper inspiration the achieve greatness, then this is the smock for you:


But if you suspect that he’s more suited to bulldozing large piles of chocolate chip cookie dough to and fro, then Zulily has that covered, too.


If your husband insists that you keep your Male Smock Tendencies a private affair, not to worry – you can always go with the Musical Smock Pillow Option (MSPO.)


And if your daughter is rebelliously opposed to The Smock Look (as I was when a child,) you can help the brainwashing along by buying her this:


It could have changed everything for my Mother.

Not into smock?

No worries!

Zulily has a plethora of Alternative Easter Sunday Options!

Because you really can’t say “He is Risen” better than you can with bedazzling and awkwardly placed tulle.


And if you want to make sure that you’re raising the next Kardashianesque Reality Star, make sure that you thoroughly pad your daughter’s little self-esteem with this top*:


* Faux glitter tears not included.

Easter, Reality Show Dreams, Smock Needs – Zulily solves all sorts of problems.

But wait – that’s not all!!

Have you been dressing your infant in softspot–to–toejam bows, yet still find that you’re not getting enough affirmation from your friends and family for your efforts?


If so, then buy this jewel – it will help reinforce your absolute and utter Bowing Superiority.


The above shirt is highly recommended with the following beanie-bow – the best option to ensure that their entire scalp circumference is properly adorned.


So neither bows or smock are your thing. Let’s say you’re more of an animal print Momma.

Do you feel that all of the infant animal print offerings are too figurative?


Giving just a taste of the print you crave, but not enough to make a full statement?


Yes, Zulily carries those too,


But they also carry the more literal interpretation that you have been searching for all of your life.


Because you just can’t go wrong with three-dimensional trunks springing from your child’s chest and padded paws from her crotch.



But you must consider your child’s needs, too.

Every single time I survey infants to seek out their preferences, one of their chief complaints is the lack of breathable clothing.

“More holes,” they say.

“Less warmth!”

Zulily is here for you, baby.

Clothe your little bundle of sweat with the flexibility and breathability offered by twelve inches of rhinoceros intestinal tract!


Not recommended in areas where wasps or bees may be present, as they may mistake your child’s chest for their nest.

If you find that your little one really gets on with this no-shirt look, then on their next romper, skip the torso altogether and go for The Fly Fishing Look:


But Zulily doesn’t just solve clothing conundrums.


Does your infant disapprove of a thermometer being jammed into his sphincter?

There’s only one thing that can turn that frown upside down – letting porky do the dirty work.


Or, if they prefer nose over tail, let Dumbo take on the job.


But all of the above was the boring stuff.

Women’s Shoes are Where. It’s. At.

I leave you this collection with no commentary, because any amount of narration would pale in comparison to the products at hand.

Please scroll slowly.
























And all of the Lady Gaga impersonators said Amen.