Zulily Lace and a Pretty Face.

Hey – you know what?

It’s almost Christmas.

Or at least according to Zulily.

And you do not want to miss out on your one chance all year long to have “Ho Ho Ho” embroidered on your daughter’s butt.

zulily

Also. I get that Santa is this nebulous somewhere-between-human-and-angelic-hosts kind of guy, but I still don’t want my daughter professing love for him or anyone else on her hind regions.

zulily

And then there’s this piece. There is so much about it that confuses me.

zulily

In case you can’t read that lovely font, it says “Santa’s Lil Diva Loves Couture.”

The only explanation I can come up with is that the back says “But my Mommy will only dress me in this so SEND HELP NOW.”

So I guess I won’t be doing my Christmas shopping at Zulily.

However, this would make an awesome baby shower gift.

zulily
“Perfect to wear in an airport, a carnival, or to Wal-Mart!”

Can you even begin to imagine the flocks of creeptastic strangers that shirt would magnetize?

This one is much more reflective of the expecting mother’s soul.

zulily
Nothing says “We’re your completely normal neighbors” like this lawnsculpting choice:

zulily
Also, little is more comforting than the Travelocity Talking Gnome at the edge of your yard.

zulily

I just hope that he spontaneously starts conversation with passerby.

The Rooster’s severe neck-cramp is the least puzzling thing about this accessory.

zulily
Fanning Roosters aren’t your thing? No worries! There are options!

zulily
When it comes to dinnertime, I never feel hungry unless I can eat off of a shoe.

zulily
…especially if there is proper toe-division – it really gives that authentic toe-jam feel to my guacamole.

zulily
I got a text from my friend Christen one day alerting me to drop my kids right then and hop onto Zulily – she didn’t want me to miss Adult Hooded Footie Pajama Day!

zulily
Because nothing says “My Mom still pours my cereal for me” like a fully-grown man in AHFPs.

zulily
Or “when I signed up to be a male model, this was not what I envisioned.”

zulily

 

In other news, if Honey Boo Boo were to attend Abby Lee Miller’s dance studio, she would most certainly be wearing these shorts.

zulily
And Zulily is doing a fabulous job of recreating the reputation of the whale tail.

zulily
My favorite Zulily find ever, the Crotch-Munching Ladybug, is back and cheekier than ever,

zulily
And she brought a very hungry friend.

zulily

I’m not sure which is worse – those teeth or their insistence of bringing happiness.

The only thing I can assume is that some of these clothes are imported from Venus and they have a very different child-fashion-scene there, where protruding elephant trunks are highly regarded.

zulily
“Helps soften the impact when running into walls!”

And where it’s normal to get your toddler to run on a treadmill, or hop, if they follow the footprints.

zulily

(Which includes a calorie counter. Because all toddlers should be tracking.)

zulily

Recently, we’ve talked about monogramming. Many times, we’ve talked about smock. So it makes sense that Zulily would pick this very week to combine the two in a glorious upheaval of humanity.

I am positive that the panel of smock on this piece was an afterthought to increase the selling value of the item in question.

zulily

But on this one, the smock left no room, so it required a side-monogram. Just in case you forget who that right thigh belongs to.

zulily

If you’re looking to get the least bang for your buck on complete and utter un-resaleability of your kid’s items, then by all means – go with a personalized kitchenette.

zulily

But of course you’ll need one for each individual kid – after all, only one name fits.

zulily

And for the little men monogrammees out there, you’ve always got the option of completely illegible fake ties.

zulily

(For the record, I actually am ordering a monogrammed item this week. This cape with an N will be Noah’s.)

Cape

But in case you prefer lace over smock and monogram, I found you this.

zulily

And this, which includes $43.01 of free lace!

zulily

So go dress those babies. And dress them well.