Zulily: I Can’t Help Myself.

I’ve been trying to stay away.

Really, I have.

I came to the conclusion that my Zulily purchases were pure fluff – not things that I needed for the propagation of my family.

Wait…that’s not quite the right word.  They weren’t NECESSITIES.  You know what I mean.

However.  I ended up with a credit because something didn’t fit right (Zulily is really nice when it comes to credits), and so I began my daily Zulily browsing habit again.

And I must say, I had missed the entertainment.  Now if I could only get the entertainment without the shopping temptation…

But really – who could resist an Eggplant Romper?

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And what kid doesn’t want Strawberry Crotch?

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(Thank goodness they stitched an explanation on those shorts – just in case you were confused and thought it was, perhaps, an albino tomato.)

Or on a bad day, Ladybug Crotch?

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The mid-munch quality of those cheeks is by far the most disturbing thing I’ve seen in at least 26 Zulily Browses.

And for the kid who already has everything (sewn on their crotch), it’s such a relief to know that you can now purchase Two-Pandas-In-A-Helicopter Crotch.

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This next one tempted me based on price alone. I mean, how GREAT must a pair of hideously sewn grey shorts BE to originally cost $67??

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If I bought these, I’d be getting nearly a whole leg of those ugly shorts for FREE!!!

And free is better than ugly any day.

Zulily also has a way of transporting me to a land of nostalgia long ago lost in the gifting and re-gifting of highly favored wedding presents

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And then there was this one…apparently, for child stilt-walkers.

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For the Mother who doesn’t discriminate between different types of tastes and prefers them to be all thrown together, this next one might be The Trifecta of all that Zulily stands for.

Smock, Animal Prints, And Peace Signs.  All wrapped up in one fantastic bikini.

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And since there’s no better way to declare your Angelicness than writing it with RHINESTONES on the BUTT of SKIN TIGHT LEGGINGS, Zulily has you covered…kinda.

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And of course there’s the DJ Lance Costumes.  Because what parent doesn’t want their kid to grow up to be an exceptionally odd, seemingly tripping, curiously tall adult who dances with puppets?

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But you know what you’ve gotta do if you REALLY want to be a good example… right?

Get the matching adult costume.

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That father and son duo would beat any Hanna Andersson matching outfit set EVER.

(Even the plaid Christmas pajamas.)

My favorite discovery, though… perhaps my favorite Zulily item ever – is this one:

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The tie chair.

In many, many different patterns,

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…to keep your kids from falling when a high chair isn’t available.

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You know – it’s for safety.

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Does that kid look like she needs to be tied in a chair for safety?

Nope.

We all know what it’s really for.

It’s to get your kid to sit still for one blinkin’ minute so that you don’t have to repeat 56 times,

“Get back in your chair – it’s dinner time!”

“No – come back.  Don’t smear your strawberry into the couch!!”

“Stop licking the floor! SIT BACK DOWN IN YOUR SEAT!!”

“KETCHUP DOESN’T CLEAN WINDOWS.”

“IF YOU SHOVE ONE MORE GREEN BEAN BETWEEN THE PIANO KEYS, I’M GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW WELL GREEN BEANS CAN BE SHOVED!!!”

Let’s call it what it is, people.

Mealtime Bondage.

And a mighty good idea.