I’ve been trying to stay away.

Really, I have.

I came to the conclusion that my Zulily purchases were pure fluff – not things that I needed for the propagation of my family.

Wait…that’s not quite the right word.  They weren’t NECESSITIES.  You know what I mean.

However.  I ended up with a credit because something didn’t fit right (Zulily is really nice when it comes to credits), and so I began my daily Zulily browsing habit again.

And I must say, I had missed the entertainment.  Now if I could only get the entertainment without the shopping temptation…

But really – who could resist an Eggplant Romper?


And what kid doesn’t want Strawberry Crotch?


(Thank goodness they stitched an explanation on those shorts – just in case you were confused and thought it was, perhaps, an albino tomato.)

Or on a bad day, Ladybug Crotch?


The mid-munch quality of those cheeks is by far the most disturbing thing I’ve seen in at least 26 Zulily Browses.

And for the kid who already has everything (sewn on their crotch), it’s such a relief to know that you can now purchase Two-Pandas-In-A-Helicopter Crotch.


This next one tempted me based on price alone. I mean, how GREAT must a pair of hideously sewn grey shorts BE to originally cost $67??


If I bought these, I’d be getting nearly a whole leg of those ugly shorts for FREE!!!

And free is better than ugly any day.

Zulily also has a way of transporting me to a land of nostalgia long ago lost in the gifting and re-gifting of highly favored wedding presents


And then there was this one…apparently, for child stilt-walkers.


For the Mother who doesn’t discriminate between different types of tastes and prefers them to be all thrown together, this next one might be The Trifecta of all that Zulily stands for.

Smock, Animal Prints, And Peace Signs.  All wrapped up in one fantastic bikini.


And since there’s no better way to declare your Angelicness than writing it with RHINESTONES on the BUTT of SKIN TIGHT LEGGINGS, Zulily has you covered…kinda.


And of course there’s the DJ Lance Costumes.  Because what parent doesn’t want their kid to grow up to be an exceptionally odd, seemingly tripping, curiously tall adult who dances with puppets?


But you know what you’ve gotta do if you REALLY want to be a good example… right?

Get the matching adult costume.


That father and son duo would beat any Hanna Andersson matching outfit set EVER.

(Even the plaid Christmas pajamas.)

My favorite discovery, though… perhaps my favorite Zulily item ever – is this one:


The tie chair.

In many, many different patterns,


…to keep your kids from falling when a high chair isn’t available.


You know – it’s for safety.


Does that kid look like she needs to be tied in a chair for safety?


We all know what it’s really for.

It’s to get your kid to sit still for one blinkin’ minute so that you don’t have to repeat 56 times,

“Get back in your chair – it’s dinner time!”

“No – come back.  Don’t smear your strawberry into the couch!!”

“Stop licking the floor! SIT BACK DOWN IN YOUR SEAT!!”



Let’s call it what it is, people.

Mealtime Bondage.

And a mighty good idea.

28 thoughts on “Zulily: I Can’t Help Myself.

  1. Dear God I thought Zulily was for CUTE items. Not horribly terrifyingly entertaining pieces of “clothing.” (I place that in quotes because I’m not quite sure some of those pants could truly be classified as such given the bad taste and style.) At least I know the market for the chair tie up’s, its likely the same market that shops for the backpack leashes. Both are useful for preventing your child from “escaping.” Though I’m a tad mystified on the issue myself since I could swear my own mother repeatedly wished we would just “disappear” some days.

    1. Oh they have plenty of cute items – with some really fascinating “other” items thrown into the mix. I’m just magnetically drawn to those “other” items.

  2. HAH! I haven’t been looking close enough to see these bad choices. And is it crazy that one day the zulily sale started notification was my alarm clock on my phone?!?!?! I look daily, but usually if I think about it a while there’s nothing I need. I keep looking. And one day I figure there will be something I can’t live without. I got Erin Condren gift cards last year and am watch for those.

    1. I KNOW – and think how much worse it’d be if you had a little girl! I’m constantly mourning missing out on all of the cute baby girl leg warmers and such.

  3. Hmmm, the tie chair would be useful for my five-year old. I have threatened to pull the high chair back out and buckle him in if he didn’t stay in his seat during dinner.

    1. Tell me about it! My five year old doesn’t realize that it’s possible to have your butt in the seat without one leg off the side of the seat and on the floor, ready for a quick getaway.

  4. Hmmm, I wonder if that seat cover would work for a wandering almost 5-year-old? lol I’ve been tying him to his chair with my apron, which I would like back some time. lol

  5. Is this Zulily or Regretsy with these unfortunate baby clothes? As usual your post caused much snickering and snort laughing! And, for the record, I can’t believe that those chair-tying thingies aren’t selling like hotcakes. Although, back in the day when we would visit my grandparents, chair-tying was done the old fashioned way- sitting on a pile of old phonebooks and tied around the waist with a big dishrag or one of my grandmere’s aprons. That’s how we rolled!

  6. For those who would like to try the portable high chair seat/tie-thingy and still have the option to return you can find a similar item on Amazon. http://www.amazon.com/My-Little-Seat-Colored-Stripes/dp/B001JQLCOM/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1346345116&sr=8-4&keywords=travel+high+chair

    And it sounds like it would work for a 5 year old if they are really small – weight limit is 35 lbs.

    Another great post Rachel! All I want to know is who would even think to design some of those outfits, much less sew them up?

    1. I actually have this for my 10 month old son for when we travel. It has shoulder straps (Zulilly didn’t) to give it the 5 point harness. Worked great too! =)

  7. nice! it seems like it could be a safety hazard if the kid threw his weight and the whole chair tipped over. but that could happen even without being tied to it.

    i thought of you the other day when a smock zulily add was on my facebook page :)

    1. I guess the idea is that he’d just throw his face into his bowl of oatmeal.

      Not that I feed my kids oatmeal, but it makes a better visual than nutrigrain bars.

  8. Last Halloween I was unlucky enough to have to make a trip to the pediatrician’s office with my kiddos. Guess what the pediatrician was wearing. Yes, the DJ Lance Rock costume. The kids loved it, but I have to say, I got a bigger laugh about it than they did.

  9. Thanks for giving me a laugh. Those grey shorts are hideous. I deleted that app because I keep buying the cute little girl clothes that never fit right. I didn’t know they’d give credits…. nope I better keep it deleted.

  10. I looked at that and kept thinking, “That looks like a choking or hanging hazard in and of itself.” Bizarre. Also, with the amount of food that would get hung up in that thing at every meal, you’d have to wash it twice a day. (Well, not if you’re me. But probably if you’re a normal person.)

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