Thank You: Private Eye.
I received a thank you note in the mail last week.
It was addressed to “Mrs. Callahan” and was signed “Mrs. [insert last name I’d never heard before here.]”
It was a rather generically written thank you card for a wedding gift that I did not remember giving. In fact, I recalled very few wedding presents I’d bought in the past year – we’ve journeyed past that state of being to baby presents. Which means that the only stage of life left is funeral flowers.
But this note. This puzzling note. I found it odd that she signed her name with no first name, indicating that she wasn’t sure who I was and she wasn’t sure that I was sure who she was.
Which would hint at the conclusion that I knew the groom, not the bride, but I knew no one of that name.
My first assumption was that she got a wedding gift from another Mrs. Callahan that she didn’t know, but still felt compelled to write a thank you note, so she looked up Callahan, threw a dart at my name, and sent me the thanks.
It made sense to me that I was never the intended recipient, as I didn’t believe I’d given the gift. But….I’m not listed in any directories. So I should never be The Default Mrs. Callahan.
Perhaps her wedding was so long ago that I had already forgotten her. But that sounds more like something someone in the Funeral Flowers stage of life would do.
The idea of me resting on my laurels with such a lack of closure was impossible.
So I began my usual internet stalking.
First, the return address on the outside of the envelope – searching that gave me the groom’s full name – I’d never heard of him.
Second. Facebook. He had no Facebook account. Not very helpful for stalkers, but not a bad plan for life.
Third. I searched for his marriage license in a vain attempt to locate the Bride’s first name. Couldn’t find it. Unusual….maybe they got married in the Bahamas.
Fourth. Broad Google Searches with a variety of terms. I gathered a bit more information on him and his relatives from the 1700s, but nothing helpful.
Fifth. LinkedIn. I completely ignore my LinkedIn account but it can be an extraordinarily helpful stalking tool.
He was there! And his profile picture showed him lovingly snuggled up to his new wife.
I enlarged the photo. Studied it. She looked slightly familiar. I had a hunch of someone she might be – who was someone to which I could have sent a wedding present.
I Googled his full name with her potential first name.
She was, indeed, someone I knew. And so I was, indeed, the present giver.
And it only took an hour of searching to accept it.
Hair Do You Like Me Now
It all started with Pillow Talk.
”Hey, dear. How do you think I’d look with black hair? Exceptionally pale, modern and edgy, glamorous, or freaky goth?”
“Um…I don’t know?”
“Well what do you THINK…? Because black hair does vastly different things to different people.”
“Seriously. I have no idea. Surely there’s an app for that.”
“Maybe I should wait until summer when I have a tan…”
Then, the next day, I saw that one of you ladies, Fi, had posted about the very app I needed:The ModiFace Hair Color App.
Yes, this was what my life lacked!
I started with this picture….
And gave it a whirl.
I actually liked myself with virtual black hair – no trace of goth…possibly a tiny bit glamorous.
The other black option seemed to give me white streaks. Which is fair.
Then I moved on.
Let’s try red! My hair will NEVER hold a titch* of red hair color. So I might as well have it while I can.
Okay. Maybe softer.
Not bad…Not bad.
I was on a roll. Why not go blond while I’m at it?
Or not. Wow.
But PINK. I’ve always wanted Pink! Pink I could do.
Maybe just a little more…
YES. I was made for pink.
I put them all in a grid and sent them to Chris – since he wasn’t helpful without pictures, maybe he could be helpful WITH pictures.
Then again, still not helpful.
* Titch is a word that Ali made up but continually insists is a real word that she heard on television. She uses it often and awesomely. Usage examples:
“I don’t have a titch of candy left!!”
“I could use just a titch more apple juice, please.”
“Noah!! Scoot over a titch!!”
I expect you all to be using titch by week end.
Moist of my Own.
Remember Moist, Birmingham’s mysterious and disgustingly named graffiti artist?
Well guess what.
He has an Etsy shop* now. Isn’t that just adorable?
…Because Etsy was just getting too full of smock and needed someone selling graffiti prints and…Bloody Razor Vial Necklaces??
Okay that’s just disgusting, Moist.
His lettering is fabulous. And I needed a memento from my thrilling interview opportunity. So I ordered my very own Moist Placard.
When my package arrived, I excitedly looked at the return address – after all, I don’t know Moist’s real name, even after stalking him a bit – just for my own curiosity.
I liked his choice.
And I liked his packaging style,
The placard was wrapped in what appeared to be vintage Birmingham paperwork, and my invoice was hand-printed on an old “Material Requisitions” form. He also included a few Moist Tags….I haven’t quite decided what to do with those yet but I should definitely wear one as my nametag at the next Homeschool Moms meeting.
I opened up my placard, which was signed on the back (and pre-drilled for hanging)…
And then turned it over to see my very own bit of Moist.
It was the most fabulous moist thing I’d ever held in my hands.
The entire package was Birmingham perfection.
And, naturally, I hung it in my bathroom.
Because where else are you going to hang a sign that says Moist?
* No representation is made that the content of his Etsy Shop is or will be G-Rated at any or all time periods. Browse at your own risk.
34 thoughts on “A Triad of Short Stories.”
I think you could definitely rock some black hair. I would never have the courage to do it, but then again I have never colored my hair at all. I have always been afraid of the outcome of home hair color. And I am way to cheap (aka frugal) to pay someone to color my hair.
I was the same way for …. 27-ish years. Then I started getting my hair colored opposite of most people – I get highlights put in everywhere BUT on top so that I can go 6 months in between and not have roots showing! I like it that way.
Unfortunately, my white streaks start showing up again WAY before I get my hair colored, though.
You’re too tan/olive-toned to look goth with black hair. To pull that off, you’d have to be pale and cool-toned, like me.
Also, I don’t think Ali made “titch” up. It’s a British word. Maybe she got it from Thomas the Tank Engine?
I can get pretty pale…but I’m still an olive-y pale. So maybe it’d help out.
And who knew?? Everyone is saying they’ve heard titch before. Thomas sounds like a perfectly reasonable explanation.
With the red hair, you could be Ashley and Wynonna Judd’s long-lost sister. That’s the look you were going for, right?
The pink goes best with the Moist plaque. Pink is edgy.
I HAVE always wanted pink hair…
but it would clash with so many of my outfits.
Rachel, you should order the bloody razor from Moist, send it to the bat labratory, see if they can get some DNA from the blood, and use your Google Stalking Skills to track down who he is!! **Insert Genius Laugh Here**
Moist is going to SO get freaked out by this concept and never speak to me again.
Hi Rachel – “titch” is totally a word. Ali probably did hear it on TV. I use it with some degree of frequency to indicate ‘a little bit’.
That’s exactly how she’s using it. So give her one point up on the IQ test, and take one point away from me.
I love the red hair! It does fade *really* fast, though. Lots of upkeep.
My granny used to say “titch.” I think it was supposed to be “touch,” but it came out that way because she had a pretty thick Kentucky/hillbilly accent. (Note: Nothing derogatory meant by the use of “hillbilly,” as I have more than a trace of that accent myself. It’s just the best label I can think of for that particular accent.)
My hair will not hold red *at all*. Seriously – it washes out in one day.
And yes! I can totally hear touch sounding like titch in a Hillbilly accent. And see your grandmother rocking on the front porch of a log cabin under a quilt and with a hound dog asleep by her side.
Love the post today.
And “titch” could very well be the new “fetch” from Mean Girls.
We use titch quite regularly. Ali wins.
If I ever need a private eye, I’m hiring you.
Thank you! Stalking is my favorite hobby. Unfortunately my best stalk ever can’t be published on the internet…until somebody goes to jail. Dangit.
You can totally pull off any hair color. I really like the red on you! Also, I use the word titch too!
I use the word titch all the time and always have. I don’t remember picking it up from something or from anyone. I’m reasonably certain it’s a real word that means small or a small amount. Love the Brony hair colors, btw. You can rock black…just saying.
Maybe Ali picked it up from YOU!!
I think my favorite was the lighter of the pink hair colors. It really goes well with your skin tone. My pony loving daughter and my brony (son) loved the darker one. But I have purple hair so my judgment my be swayed anyways.
The genealogist inside me perked up when you tracked the groom back to the 1700’s. I may remember this when I am pouring over microfiche and getting discouraged about an ancestor that just suddenly appeared with no previous record.
I do think that I remember my best friend (from North England) saying titch before.
i seriously love both the red and black hair on you.. especially with the variatioins due to the highlights in the pic. gorgeous. Also, think you should try something in violet/ purple.. bc all the cool kids do. :)
Yes! I made purples later – for me and Ali. She looks fabulous and I look like a witch.
I personally love the pink hair on you. And that you put the Moist art in the bathroom.
I have definitely used “titch” before. I’ve always mentally spelled it “tidge”, which apparently also works as a cross between tidbit and smidge. You have to love the English language!
We use titch at our house. In fact one of our favorite “remember that time” stories is when my mom started to say bit and finished up with titch. And I like you with red hair.
I love ALL of these. And I LOL’d at the fact that you have graffiti art hanging in your house! I totally will use titch, it just fits in all given instances. On your hair… Honestly, the way you have it now is my favorite, the others looked forced, but I do think a pink streak is a very fun idea!
I agree that titch is totally a world. My friend uses it all the time. Although, I must admit Ali is only the second person I’ve ever heard of to use it :)
According to the research I’ve done (AFTER all these comments), it’s a British colloquialism. So there you go!
I was going to say it sounded very British.
I like the “black” (which, just looks like very dark brown to me, so no chance of gothiness) and the darker red. Pink and purple are pretty great too. :)
And titch is absolutely a word… it’s a Britishism I picked up from my grandparents. I’m surprised it hasn’t cropped up on Downton Abbey, actually. ;)
(I just saw the above comment, but I’m letting my titch of input stand.)
I’ve definitely heard the word “tidge” before used in the way Ali uses titch. I think it’s in the same “unofficial word” category as “tump”.
Okay, your husband made me laugh the loudest with the pony comment! Although I think you might need stars and rainbows on you as well for that! I’m totally downloading that app. Very fun!
And also – I hope the person you gifted doesn’t read your blog and find out that you don’t remember her! HAHA!
That’s a cool app for the hair! I think you look great with the “black” hair. My natural color is jet black but I’ve highlighted for so long that it is lighter. I’ve heard the word “titch” used before. She must have heard it there too. :)
How long ago was the wedding? My son and daughter in law got married two years ago and still haven’t sent out thank you’s. It is going to bother me forever.
Two links on your blog in a week! Go me!
And I was going to comment to say that Ali probably got titch from a British TV show as we would totally say stuff like “could I just get a twitchy bit more of that cake?’ But I see everyone else has beaten me to it. I will throw this in though: titch can also be used for a small person, and there was a 1960s pop group called Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky Mick and Titch.