Baby v. Food

Hi! Noah Here.

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And welcome to Baby v. Food!

Baby V Food

I’m a food fanatic who’s only been eating for about two months, but I haven’t yet met anything I didn’t like to eat – food or otherwise.

Now I’m on a mouthwatering journey to pig out as often as possible, and take on the Mommy’s most legendary eating challenges.

I’m no competitive eater, just a regular baby with a serious appetite.

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Today, I’m visiting The Servant Who Calls Herself Mommy’s kitchen. They serve gigantic portions of miniature goldfish, fruit, crackers, and pretty much whatever food scraps The Servants decide to share with me.

I am constantly astounding The Servants with the portion sizes that I can put down. So today, The Servant Who Calls Herself Mommy has prepared a massive food challenge for me.

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It’s ginormous.

It’s epic.

It’s bigger than my head!

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That’s right, people.

5 Club Crackers,
50 Goldfish,
2 colossal Strawberries,
21 Blueberries,
and a whole fruit cup of Mandarin Oranges!!

Of all of the babies that have taken on this challenge, ZERO have succeeded.

If I can finish this whole meal in 30 minutes or less, I will get my picture put on the wall of fame, will get a T-Shirt stating that I Survived The Baby Challenge, and most importantly, I will win a new high chair cover so that I can get rid of the awful girly toile left over from The Sister!

But there are rules to this challenge.

1. No milk.
2. No diaper changes.
3. No mid-meal napping.
4. No hiding items in my bib.
5. Paci use allowed only for brief intervals to aid in swallowing.
6. And, again, I only have 30 minutes.

With a plate of Baby Euphoria stacked between me and eternal food glory, I’m ready to take on this challenge!

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This is my ultimate hunger quest. This is Baby v. Food!!!


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Start the clock, people, and give me my first bite.
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Ohhh YUM.

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… the crunch of that goldfish is just right, the delicate mixture of gold and fish prepared perfectly. It just makes me want to sink my teeth into it!!

…if I had any.

Now. It’s time to get to business. The first strategy I’m going to employ is to eat an even mixture of all of the foods, letting the juicier fruits help me break down the drier crackers.

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I also will liberally employ the Not Chewing Technique – which The Servant Who Calls Herself Mommy will discover tomorrow in a most gruesome way.

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I feel great. The Club Crackers are fresh, crisp, and delicious, and those pre-packaged, preservative-pumped Mandarin Oranges just can’t be beat.

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Ten minutes in, and I’m already making huge progress!

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…But those crackers are beginning to catch up with me.

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I wanna puke,

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I wanna poo,

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…but I manage to hold it together and demand that The Servant give me another bite.

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Oh, that bite went down hard.
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But I press on.

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…as do all of those goldfish on my stomach lining.

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Twenty minutes in, and I’ve had all I can take. The thing I was afraid of is actually starting to happen – I’ve hit The Wall.

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Here comes The Sister Who Calls Herself Ali! Just as I thought I was going to let all of those goldfish swim free,

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She is cheering me on!

She believes in me!

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I can do this!! For her, and to finally rid myself of that embarrassing toile!!

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Four … more … bites …

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Three … more … bites …

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Two … more … bites …

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ONE!! MORE!! BITE!!!

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I DID IT!!!!

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In this epic battle of Baby v. Food,

BABY WON!!!

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I will now be taking questions from the audience.

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Yes, the young lady to my left.

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Baby, what do you think about the fact that The Servant Who Calls Herself Mommy forgot that she wasn’t supposed to be feeding you strawberries until you’re one year old?

Well, I appear to not be allergic to them, but I’ll let you know for sure in the morning.

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Yes, you over there to my right.

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So Baby, how do you feel right now?

I feel like I need to be wearing about eight Pampers.

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That’s all we have time for, so thanks for joining us for today’s episode of Baby v. Food!!!

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If you want to see the extended edition, where I reenact a backwards version of Jonah and the whale,

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Go to my travel blog…or don’t. No one wants to see that.