1. Don’t pack any more than you can carry, by yourself, while holding your baby, because your husband will need to be gone for approximately two eternities while signing paperwork for the rental car.
2. Point number one is completely impossible. Therefore, bring a friend. Two kids versus two parents in an airport is outnumbered, no matter what the numbers say.
Plus, we all know that non-parents are much more entertaining than parents. Especially in crowded airports.
3. Make sure your kids study the safety guide – you know, just in case.
4. However, don’t let them study the safety guide too closely, or they’ll decide that they really want to crash so that they can slide down that cool yellow inflatable slide.
5. The Sky Mall Catalog is great entertainment for a baby – although the next person in your seat may not appreciate the ripped out, wadded up, and slobbered on pages.
6. No, the Sky Mall Catalog most certainly doesn’t have germs on it that would be harmful for a baby. Why do you ask?
7. Babies that dislike car seats will love airplanes. Because who wouldn’t rather be cuddled by their Mommy than 5-point-safety-harnessed into a tiny jail cell?
8. However, don’t expect said baby to sleep on an airplane, no matter how tired he should be – he will know something very exciting is occurring.
8. If you find yourself tapping your foot to bounce your non-sleeping baby and then you happen to look out the window and see the airplane wing bouncing at the same rate as your foot, STOP IMMEDIATELY.
9. Then, of course, you will laugh at yourself for thinking that you made the wing bounce, so you will tell your husband about it. Upon which he will laugh at you, and then say, “But, uh…don’t tap your foot anymore, okay?”
10. Make sure that your four year old pees as many times as possible before boarding a plane. No adult human body can possibly shove itself into an airplane bathroom with a four year old – at least not without touching any oh-so-much-more-germ-infested-than-the-Sky-Mall-Magazine surfaces.
11. If you fly to a later time zone and skip naptime, your four year old might sleep until 10 AM every day. However, your baby will ensure that you don’t oversleep by waking up even earlier than normal, seemingly impervious to internal clock normalities.
12. A trip to a different kind of beach may make beaching with children infinitely easier – as much as our Alabama snow white soft sand is gorgeous, Atlantic Ocean hard beaches make things like strollers possible, and is acceptable to kids who normally have an aversion to walking in sand.
13. Also easier: the hard sand offers portion control of how much sand a baby can pick up at once.
14. But it’s still wise to plug them up to prevent too high of a level of microscopic sea creature ingestion.
15. The harsh Atlantic winds will keep your hair a horrific mess for the entire trip. This will be only magnified in it’s disgustingness by your four year old’s hair of ocean breeze awesomeness.
16. You should never harbor feelings of intense jealousy for your four year old. It’s just unhealthy.