I know that many of you Mommies out there – Mommies that are clearly better, more loving, more devoted Mommies than I – cease and desist the ingestion of all caffeine the minute you find out you’re pregnant, and with miraculous levels of self-control, don’t resume until you finish nursing.
I salute you.
I, however, am not one of those angelic beings. I have made that clear.
However, as of late, Noah’s napping practices have been tragic.
…Which is creating a severe time shortage, which is causing sub-par blogging, which is causing great personal angst. And for that, Noah seems completely unapologetic.
(Good thing he’s so cute.)
I tried everything I knew and a few things I didn’t to help the kid get a bit more nappage in, but nothing worked.
Finally, I had to face the truth: it could be my fault.
I don’t drink that much caffeine – especially since I cut out (most) coke drinking when we started our diet – but my morning cup of coffee and I are fairly intimate.
But naptime – it’s sacred. It must be guarded, coddled, and maximized at all costs.
With my sanity hanging in the balance, I decided it was worth a try. I promised myself that I wouldn’t touch a drop of caffeine ever again…or for a couple of days, whichever came first.
And so, herein lies the journal of decaffeination.
Last Day of Caffeination: Noah napped twenty minutes in the afternoon. And only an hour and a half in the morning. And, since Ali only naps in the afternoon, that made my alone time equate to all of… twenty minutes. I get more smoke breaks at the office than that – or I would, if I worked in an office and if I smoked.
I woke up rather wide awake – first thought was “maybe this won’t be too hard after all.” I made it through the morning without any Nectar of Energy AND without harming any living being. The only slight hardship came that afternoon when I realized that I couldn’t do my usual drive-by of the Ghirardelli Chocolate Covered Espresso Bean canister – a tragedy indeed.
Noah did sleep better…ish. Not at the levels I desired, but there were blessedly no 20 minute naps.
Day two was regrettably a Monday. I did not wake up so wide awake. In fact, waking up itself was nearly impossible, as my eyelids staged a nasty strike.
Also, a painful dose Coffee Deprivation Depression set in at about … 9 AM.
Coffee Deprivation Irritability quickly followed.
…Which was only magnified with the power of ten bolts of lightning when Noah only took a forty minute morning nap.
I’m doing this for what?!?!?!
Luckily, he saved himself from eviction by taking a 2.75 hour afternoon nap, his best in weeks.
The sleeeeepies hit. The daily afternoon storms did not help.
Nor did Noah’s ridiculously non-napping practices, continuing unmercifully despite my saint-like sacrifices.
Two thirty minute naps nearly put me over the edge, almost making me guzzle an entire gallon of coffee in protest.
Also, I may have learned how to breathe fire.
(If only I could have learned how to breathe caffeinated fire…)
I did accidentally have caffeine at lunch – I ordered unsweet tea without even thinking about it.
And oh, it was good.
After mediocre naps, I rebelled and had caffeine at dinner. But apparently, my body had adapted to a non-caffeinated lifestyle – sleep eluded me that night, leaving me nothing to do but mutter nasty things under my breath.
Noah and Ali went to spend the night with Gramamma, leaving me alone with my pump and no naps to maintain.
I absolutely let loose.
All of my caffeinic self-control completely vanished, and I devoured every smidge of energy-bringing item in the house. My bliss was literally palpable.
(And, for the first time in a week, I had the mental energy to come up with words like “palpable”.)
And no, I didn’t spend a single second of that blissful caffeine high worried about the effect of the Red Bull Breastmilk I was pumping, because it wouldn’t get used until the next visit to Gramamma’s house.
A week had passed – the absolute maximum length of experimentation in this sensitive area. I reviewed my napping logs and levels of angst for the week. No patterns or improvements could be found, so I decided that caffeine, maybe in slightly more moderation, was going be granted clemency for the safety of everyone involved.
Then I immediately began forming my next napping theory.
(Without a theory, there’s no hope left in the world.)
New Theory: In order to not wake him between eating and napping, I hadn’t been burping him (I assumed, of course, that I was providing burp-free substances).
This week’s journal: The Belch Report.
I lead a fabulously glamorous life.