If I Were The President of Graco, all infant car seats would come with attaching PopeMobile-style glass cubes –

So that if a baby wanted to hear himself cry on every single stinkin’ car ride, he could feel completely free to do so – without subjecting the rest of his family to his lung’s capacities.

If I Were The President of Pampers, I would not be so ashamed at my product’s ability to contain poo that I wouldn’t even show the product on the packaging:

Diapers No Diapers
In fact, I’d enhance the product’s poo-catching abilities by adding suspenders:


Not only does it keep the product in place, but it adds a stylish touch that helps boost any (tiny) man’s confidence.


…until a Wardrobe Malfunction occurs, anyway.


If I were the president of Car-Freshner,
I’d do away with those awful smelling Pine-Sol Scented Air Fresheners…

Car Freshener

And I’d invent a Car-Freshner scented with the only thing that smells better than New Car Smell – that’s right, New Baby Smell:


…and I bet you thought this post had something to do with politics.

18 thoughts on “If I Were The President…

  1. I love the idea of the glass cube around the car seat — I need one of those for Rachel. Noah is SO cute. I love his smile and his chubby little legs.

  2. One of my favourite ‘I’m not a parent, thank God” moments was a friend putting her wailing baby in the car one night. “Waaaaa!” (shut car door) (muted “waaaa…”) (open front car door) “Waaaa!” (shut front car door) (muted “waaa…”) (Drive away with the “waaa…” trailing off as she got further away) :)

    PS – I know you all love babies and parenting, so don’t shoot me, I just thought it was funny… :)

  3. I have a friend who would be totally with ya on the “baby smell” air freshener.

    And all I have to say is your poor, poor baby. Someday he’s going to pay you back for all of the stuff you’re putting him through!

    Incidentally, those suspenders are scathingly brilliant. :)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *