Disclaimer: More-Serious-Than-Usual Post to follow.
I am going to earn the title of Mom of Two Kids ANY DAY NOW.
And I am totally unprepared.
My house is a wreck (because I’m unwieldy and exhausted and constantly contracting and therefore don’t feel like doing anything), thank you notes are not written, Christmas presents, although bought, are not wrapped (I’m thinking that reaching over a newborn to wrap them would be easier than reaching over the current state of my belly, but I’m starting to panic a bit about that assumption), and in general things aren’t exactly ready.
But unfortunately, since I seem to have as little of the Nesting Gene as I do the Popping-Out-Belly-Button Gene, I just can’t seem to get it together enough to not feel a little panicky on the inside.
But besides all that physical stuff, I’ve been doubting my mental preparedness to have a newborn again. I’ve been open about my struggles with the newborn phase with Ali. And, although I have lots of reasons to think that I will do MUCH better this time around (and I really am quite excited about having a teeny tiny baby to cuddle with again), I’ve still not been confident in my state of fully grasping what is to come.
(Especially since I am to that stage of being completely and absolutely fixated on GETTING THIS BABY OUT OF ME AT ALL COSTS.)
(As if they’re easier when they’re on the outside or something.)
But at any rate, my multiple levels of complete unpreparedness hit me Tuesday night, because the next day, I planned on asking my doctor to – you know, do That Thing That Doctors Can Do that helps send most women into nearly immediate labor.
And so, as I was laying in bed, realizing that it actually could be my last night before having a baby, I started having mini-panic-attacks as I thought of each and every item that was currently out of place in my house and mind.
Wednesday morning before heading to the doctor, I was doing my bible study (despite the odd mix of excitement and panic that only a deeply-pregnant-woman can experience), and God directed me to a verse.
That is now MY verse for the next few months.
It was, of all places, in Proverbs 31 – you know, the Chapter of Extreme Guilt and Conviction for All Women Everywhere. Although an inspiring and exhorting chapter, it would not be my first choice to look for an ENCOURAGING verse. But God’s just cool like that, and He spoke exactly what I needed to hear for the Newborn Phase:
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
This verse may not seem like much to anyone but me, but it spoke to my very soul.
Part of the reason that my transition with Ali was so difficult was that I found myself alone, every day, quietly not being the Type-A-Overdrive-Productive person that I had always been, for the first time in my life. It was easy to get lost in despair and worry because I had nothing to distract me or keep me busy, something that I personally need for mental stability.
If I had been blogging when Ali was a newborn, I probably would have had SO much more of a healthy mindset – blogging really does wonders to help me have an outlet to find the amusing and ridiculous in the mundane and even in the chaotic and disastrous. And so, with this verse, I love that God not only gave me permission to laugh at the crazy days to come, but that in so doing, I will be able to have strength and dignity through it all, because I’m not despairing or getting lost in the mire.
Although I don’t know if this encouragement makes sense to anyone but me (which is just fine since it is, after all, MY verse), I am thrilled about the idea that enjoying and laughing at the days to come, no matter what they bring, can actually help me have strength and dignity, and therefore preparedness, for what might have otherwise been, at times, despairing.
And, as usual, I love God’s timing in giving me this verse at JUST the moment I needed it. Although my doctor didn’t do The Procedure this week, he promised to do it Tuesday. But regardless of whether it works or not, at some point in the next eleven days, I am most certainly guaranteed to have a new baby.
And, although my house may not be perfect or my Christmas presents wrapped before Noah’s arrival, I feel much more at peace and ready to tackle – and enjoy – and laugh at – and genuinely be thankful for – the blessed newborn phase to come.