What are You Wearing, New Year’s Eve?

New Year’s Eve is a fashion must, especially when you’re a mom who has no plans because her husband is attending a College Football Playoff Game.

You better look good for those kids covered in Christmas Candy Dust, ya know?

(For the record I could have absolutely flaunted my fashion fantasticness at said College Football Playoff Game, but I politely turned down the offer. My willingness to go to football while having a complete lack of interest does have a price ceiling, and certain seats are just too expensive for my butt to rest while I stare listlessly at my phone begging the end of the fourth quarter to arrive. Instead, my Dad will come over and watch the game “with me” while I stare listlessly at my phone and the children run magical circles of melted-chocolate-powered-energy around both of us.)

So, fashion. As usual, I turned to HauteLook to dress me for this momentous occasion.

And, as usual, I found what I was looking for – and a whole lot more. So I brought a few things for you to wear, as well.

Perhaps you’re looking for the perfect spot to wear on New Year’s Eve.

No, not the perfect spot to wear something – the perfect spot to wear.

28180D76-5E6E-4C9F-90F6-A9215DDE4A4B

If you don’t have time to order, this is a great craft to let those kids you have help you with. Just find a completely sheer shirt that you used to have use for in some prior exciting life,

2F682028-A3BC-4D1F-BAA8-3FC0E916612D

Then get your kids to cut out a giant circle out of white construction paper, use a bit of glue, and BOOM!! Fashion.

B82928BB-56BA-4C5D-AB85-EAEDCA62BEA2

 

Alternately, this is a great costume for a Dr. Seuss party.

I will not eat it in a pot,
I will not eat it in a spot.

And then, change into this outfit and…

I will not eat it in suspendered culottes.

5E52A4A0-C2A1-4444-924A-D63D21134A16
But really, nothing says “I’m partying hard on New Year’s Eve” like the back of your pants resembling the front of a 1991 seriously Long Butted pair of dress pants.

1B196287-E732-481C-B95F-AE53E0DABC7D

Would you rather distract everyone waiting for the ball to drop with your own balls? Then this next shirt’ll do it. Especially if you bling it up a little with your daughter’s craft set and make every one of these pom-poms a tiny spinning disco ball.

IMG_0513 2

Okay, okay I get it. You’re not all staying at home with young children for New Year’s. (Chris promises to be back well in time to kiss me at midnight, so Alabama better not go into overtime.) If you want to be a little fancier than I plan on being, I assume this is what all the young people are wearing these days.

IMG_0514 2

I am not, however, appreciative of them making the off-brand version of “Rihanna” out of my name.

Need to imply a pop star’s name without actually using it?
Just stick a Rach on it!

I know that cold shoulder shirts are all the rage this year – either to hate or to love, depending on your personal beliefs.

But how do we feel about cold armpit shirts?

IMG_0726

It’s not really an issue I was ready to face as a human being. How about you?

Thanks to the cold shoulder craze, we have all sorts of body parts that are jealously wanting to get a bit chilly. Let’s do a quick bullet list.

We have the Cold Clavicle Sweatshirt, perfect for moms who want their sweats and their sexy at the same time…

IMG_0728

The Cold shoulder / arm / midriff and…

IMG_0737

back shirt. How DO these women wear a bra?

IMG_0738

The cold “Let’s Put a Tassle on it” shirt,

IMG_0740

The cold “Please Don’t Choke Me” shirt,

IMG_0741

(In case you wanted to understand how it was connected…I cannot imagine how constrictive this shirt feels.)

IMG_0742

The Cold Curtain Shirt,

IMG_0743

The cold shoulder AND forearm sweater,

IMG_1576 2IMG_1577 2

The “Stripes O’ Cold” Dress,

IMG_1583 2

The Cold Hearted shirt,

IMG_1653And, my favorite cold product of all time,

The Cold Lower Thigh Denim Dress.

IMG_1656 2

It’s as if someone said, “This dress is covering too much. Like nearly every inch of her. We need more skin.”

IMG_1657 2

And in response, one of the designers, strung out on a bad cocktail of crack cocaine and French Fashion Education, said “I know JUST the skin to show!”

IMG_1658 2

Okay. Let’s get back to New Year’s Eve.

If you happen to be celebrating New Year’s Eve 1988, may I suggest this beauty.

IMG_0729

It makes me miss my Colors of Benetton Barbie something fierce.

IMG_0730

And this one..I don’t even understand where and when and how and who…but it’s 68% off, y’all!!

IMG_0731 2

You are looking at Seven Hundred and Forty Five Dollars and Three Cents of free Shop Top!

IMG_0734

My favorite part of this outfit, though, was the clearly photoshopped Thigh Gap. No human in the world’s body curves to make a perfect teaspoon.

IMG_0733

And on that note, Happy New Year.

May you not spend your 2017 trying to attain a teaspoon crack.

A Spring Wardrobe Reassessment.

It’s beautiful outside (at least if you live in Alabama) and definitely the season to start thinking about new wardrobes and shorts and tank tops and all the summer things!

(Except bathing suits. They are never to be thought about. Or tried on in dressing rooms with rigged mirrors that make one look 100 pounds heavier. Swimsuits are a conspiratorial plot against female humanity.)

Anyway.

Shopping.

As usual, I have been doing all my shopping at HauteLook. They have fabulous prints! And adorable pieces! And….these?

IMG_8016

What is happening. Is this Jasmine-Chic with a bit of I Dream of Jeannie thrown in? And is that flimsy kitchen valance the only thing that is keeping the world from seeing her goods?

IMG_8017

It kind of looks like a butt handkerchief. And I sincerely hope she doesn’t sneeze.

But wait! There’s more! A matching shirt, in fact! And in this picture, it appears that she loaned her buttkerchief to someone else!

IMG_8007

PLEASE do not miss that this is 64% off and yet, still $109.97. Because apparently, exceptionally weird people are also loaded.

But if you just love the knee-length jams look but would prefer a bit more coverage, well there’s this.

IMG_8009

If there’s ever a mash-up movie called 50 Shades of Twilight, I’m pretty sure this will be in wardrobe.

This one, though. I can just hear CFDA Lifetime Achievement Award Winner Michael Kors saying “We NEVER put fringe there, ladies. Do you realize what that LOOKS like??”

IMG_8015

No. Instead, we sew an oversized shirt from 1986 to a few thrown-together graduation tassels and call it a dress.

IMG_8013

Or we get really excited with our tassels and sheer shirts and make our 24-inch-waisted model look like she’s 48 hours postpartum.

IMG_8010

(And yes. It’s just as frightening from the back. Spiderman gone very, very awry.)

IMG_8011

A post-childbirth collection is not complete without the “I just stopped nursing and my boobs turned into empty grocery sacks” corset, though.

IMG_8005

And what would the collection be without a “I got up to change the baby’s diaper in the middle of the night and somehow got in a fight with their onesie and the onesie won” pants?

IMG_8001

(Or from the back, it’s the “My baby has gotten too long for their onesie so I just unbutton it and let it hang like inverted chaps” look.)

IMG_8002

Then there’s the “My baby is exhausting me so thoroughly that even my boobs are asleep” shirt.

IMG_7407

And there’s always the “My baby crapped their pants and their bed and their walls and their rug and their ceiling and the top shelf of their closet and I need a HAZMAT suit to enter the room” wardrobial need.

IMG_6300

But let’s move away from parenthood. Because childbearing or not, NO women want to be seen looking like a walking menstruation.

IMG_6319

I MEAN. What Martian created that design and said, “yeah! Let’s go with that!”

Then again, maybe it was this guy.

IMG_6467

That’s right. Those flannel shorts come with built in compression leggings. Because if you’re going to wear flannel shorts, you don’t want to sacrifice circulation to do it.

Speaking of flannel.

Have you ever wondered what happened to all your grunge friends from the 90s? The ones you listened to Nirvana CDs with while sitting on your bean bag in the basement?

Well, I’m here to tell you exactly where they are.

They got sewed into this skirt.

IMG_6434

But this skirt is even more special than just the resting place for all your high school friends. It’s Foo Fighters in the Front, Scarlett O’Hara in the back.

IMG_6433

A FLANNEL BUSTLE, y’all.

They also want you to know that just because you’re a homeschool mom…

IMG_6430

doesn’t mean you can’t show off your sexy shoulder blades.

IMG_6431

I totally want to wear that to my next homeschool meeting.

But  back to flannel for a hot minute. We’ve all had that moment where we’ve been all like “I really want to jump out of an airplane but I want to express my style while I do it. Oh – and I need some good pockets because I can’t jump without my cell phone!” Right? Well. Do I have a solution for you.

IMG_6056

She’s so ready for whatever life throws at her. Including bird poop on the way down.

And then the feeling of “I want to reclaim my youth with a pair of Birks, but I also want to reminisce about the orange shag carpet that was in my bedroom.”

Great news! You can do both at once!!

IMG_6046

I know. This really deserves a closer look.

IMG_6048

Yup. It’s raw hamburger meat on a shoe.

But. Of course HauteLook also offers many basics. Wardrobe staples. Things that every girl needs. Like a plain white tee.

IMG_5944

Huh.

That’s funny.

I wonder why it describes it as a “Print” Tee?

I should turn it around and see the back.

IMG_5945

Because nothing says “I’m worth it and you should really woo me” like YELLING IT FROM YOUR BUTT.

Also, they have this lovely, simple, black shirt.

IMG_5942

…that has quite a mouthful to say from the rear view.

IMG_5941

Voice Mail. SEND THE PAST TO VOICE MAIL. WHO still talks about voice mail?!

I mean. If I’m going to be passive-aggressive behind my back, I at least want to mute my past’s text messages.

Modeling is a Dog’s Life.

A few months ago, I shared with you the inner thoughts of indignant models. Their expressions said it all – we felt their sadness, their resentment, and their rage over what they’d been forced to wear.

Two days after publishing that post, all of the model’s heads were mysteriously cropped out of the new batch of HauteLook photos. Do I think HauteLook read my blog and made a procedural change to rid themselves of the negativity emanating from their models? Probably not. Is it a very strange coincidence? Most definitely.

However, they do occasionally still let the faces of their models be experienced.

And last week, I met a brand new set of models. Models that seemed no happier at where their career had led them than the first batch.

Yet these models were dogs. The happiest creatures on earth. Supposedly.

But you know how to depress the happiest creatures on earth? Dress them like humans – the saddest creatures on earth.

IMG_7293

Strip them of their canine pride and castrate them into short and overly hairy humans and watch their effervescent joy vanish instantaneously.

IMG_7289

To further add to the humiliation, dress the dogs in the least flattering categories of human garments in existence today – Bridesmaid Dresses,

IMG_7287

And scrubs.

IMG_7280

Even the dogs that were “blessed” with the Hot Topic options looked ashamed of their forced trans-species status.

IMG_7283

All of the poor souls looked much more like they were auditioning for an ASPCA commercial than trying to sell us these adorable outfits.

IMG_7272

In the arms of an angel… (Or a Bedazzled Monster Shirt)

IMG_7268

Fly away from here… (And from this potholder called a “tank”)

IMG_7269

From this dark, cold hotel room…. (And this studio where they shove shirt after shirt over your oversized and most likely quite sensitive ears)

IMG_7270

And the endlessness that you fear… (What you really fear is crapping on your train and not being able to rub it off when you scoot across the studio flooring)

IMG_7275

You are pulled from the wreckage… (Or from pajamas that let your junk hang out)

IMG_7285

Of your silent reverie…. (We all know “misery” would have been a better word than “reverie” right there but Sarah had to be all artsy and stuff – just like this clever Hawaiian-themed tank is all artsy…and stuff)

IMG_7274

You’re in the arms of an angel…. (Or in the grip of a – what the crap is that thing?!)

IMG_7276

May you find some comfort here… (Because nothing has ever looked more comfortable than this Blossom relic)

IMG_7291

Some comfort here. (Unless you try to pee into your dress and then everything is going to get all moist and uncomfortable really quickly.)

IMG_7279

After the clothing shoot, they attempted to give the dogs back their dignity in a collar photo shoot.

But it was too late. The damage was too deep, too cutting to the core of who they were.

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance… (While praying to God for deliverance from these flashy-bulb humans)

IMG_7282

For a break that would make it okay… (Does she look like this makes it okay? She does not.)

IMG_7281

There’s always some reason to feel not good enough… (Like the memory of all. those. dresses.)

IMG_7292

And it’s hard at the end of the day… (Because your belly is chafed from all the wardrobe changes)

IMG_7284

I need some distraction, oh beautiful release… (Seriously release me so I can go eat grass until I vomit) 

IMG_7290

Memories Seep from my veins… (Of hoping desperately that the bright light would be a UFO coming to rescue me)

IMG_7286

Let me be empty….  (Seriously I’ve had to pee for hours)

IMG_7277

And weightless and maybe… (Maybe I’ll find a Cone of Shame to wear to feel better about myself)

IMG_7273

I’ll find some peace tonight… (Or at least a pack of feral dogs to drink gutter water with until I forget this day)

IMG_7278

In the Arms of an Angel. (Or this Skull and Crossbones Sweater Vest. Because all humans who wear sweater vests also just LOVE skulls and crossbones.)

IMG_7288

For just sixty cents a day, you can rescue one of these dogs from the misery of a modeling career.