Five Jeans That Shouldn’t Exist.

As I’ve noted a few times, I do about 90% of my shopping on HauteLook. I’m a fan of shopping on my phone, and I’m fairly good at gauging what will fit and what won’t. Plus, I return what I don’t want and everyone’s happy.

And they have some ahhhhmazing jeans on there. For ridiculously good prices.

But lately, I’ve been running across some jeans that have…concerned me.

Okay they’ve made me drop my phone and run screaming to find antiseptic for my retinas.

Allow me to escort you back to 1984 to start our journey in discussing five jeans that shouldn’t exist. Five pieces of denim so mistreated that they could win an abuse case against their manufacturer.

1. Culottes the size of Cuba.

IMG_1436

Oh yes. Those shorts would have even been acceptable at my track meets. The pleats alone contain more fabric than any single pair of shorts that I own. Or maybe all of my shorts sewn together.

And just in case you wanted to see how smoking hottt these shorts look with a little midriff showing (and I do mean a little)…

IMG_1438

I know right. These shorts are nearly too indecent to publish on the internet. Because nothing. Nothing I say. Uplifts your butt like fifty yards of denim straight from JoAnn Fabrics draping over it.

 

IMG_1439

Kim Kardashian is weeping in envy right this second.

But let’s move on.

2. The Overall Mini-Dress.

IMG_5604
This is Culotte Girl’s rebellious next-door neighbor. She’s the Kimmie to her D.J., The Betty to her Wilma. She says “I’m sexy and I know it but I want to look like an 18 month old boy.”

3. The Sleeveless Denim Romper. For those who want to look like their waist is ten inches wider than it actually is and that they took two pairs of Grandma Jeans and sewed them together.

IMG_5898

Please note: This model’s stats indicate that she has a 25” waist. Twenty-five inches. Which means that an actual human would look like the Michelin Man wrapped in shop towels if they attempted to wear this.

4. The “I might’ve just gotten attacked by a zombie…or maybe a melon baller” shirt.

IMG_5801

Button-up shirts were not meant to have shoulder cut-outs. It’s just weird made weirder still when in denim. And the gathering at the bottom-most point of the peek-a-boos look like a fitted sheet. And we all know that everyone hates dealing with fitted sheets.

Don’t wear a fitted sheet.

5. The Pocketless Jean Jort.

IMG_5825

Oh wait. That’s not from HauteLook, is it?

IMG_5824

(And whoever that is has a ridiculously messy living room.)

But you can’t say he’s not selling his product…

IMG_5826

I mean, if you can runway spin a jean jort, what level of confidence might you have in a tux?

IMG_5823

And really, who doesn’t love a good elastic waistband during the holidays?

IMG_5819

Okay, okay. Jorts can stay.

IMG_5820

But the rest must go.