Why Alabama Lost.

So Alabama lost. Did you hear?

My husband handled it awfully well – I think he nearly tuned out the last fifteen minutes of the game, clearly as a psychological coping mechanism. But it was effective, as the children didn’t get woken up by screams of agony and defeat, which is a much better fate than most of the children in our great state.

I have a theory about what happened this year. Why they lost a game in the regular season, and why they lost this playoff game that they were clearly supposed to win.

It was the fashion.

Every year I collect the latest and greatest of Alabama Fashion Trends for you, and this year was no exception – at least, in the fact that I tried.

But the fan’s hearts just weren’t in it this year. Gone were the grown ladies wearing tutus and the grown men wearing curious houndstooth rice farming hats. No more were the bedazzled and appliqued jeans or matching full-length sequined robes (with the fur.)

And if the fans weren’t plugged in, how were the players supposed to be powered?

If the fans weren’t committed, can we really expect Saban to be able to work magic?

No, fans. We cannot.

Alabama Football is fueled just like Neverland – on belief.

If you don’t show your belief and show it loudly, Saban Pan can’t fly, the Lost Boys can’t defeat Captain Hook, and all the cheering Tinkerbells in the world won’t be able to bring magic back to the island.

No. Instead, this year’s fanwear was largely made up of dead things.

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I mean. A LOT of faux animals died to be paired with a pom-pom stuck in a boot.

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And I wasn’t the only one noticing.

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That’s right, Houndstooth Legging Lady. You are SO last year.

Seriously. How many Ewoks should have to die for one girl to attend a football game?

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And the dead things weren’t limited to vests, either. If you don’t have anything else to wear, just cut the last twelve inches off of your Abominable Snowman Outfit and wear that!

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Snowman says hi.

C’mon, Alabama. We can’t fuel a team with such indifference. If you’re going to wear a dead animal, at least do it right.

Even Florida can do that.

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And then there were the tight things.

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Taking Lace where no lace has been before…

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Everything so Boa-Constrictor tight that their owner might be the next dead thing to be worn by another fan.

Gameday Fashion 11Lifts and separates – all the way up!

(But I will admit that it did give me a tiny thrill to see that someone actually did buy the Ace Bandage Hosiery from HauteLook. I’m sure it was on my recommendation.)

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And of course there were doilies as shorts.

Paired with boots,

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Paired with jerseys.

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Because doilies are the new black.

It’s just the facts – the fan base didn’t play offense or defense with their fashion choices this year.

Okay no there was a little offense.

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But between Ill-Fitting Plaids,

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Eternally confusing butt messages,

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And frightening onesies,

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The team just couldn’t pull it off this year.

In fact, almost all of the fans seemed much more interested in themselves than in what we were all supposedly there for – the players.

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But let’s give it up for the few fans who still cared – who still believed – who still did their part to help create the ever-needed football pixie dust.

It was to them that we owe our twelve wins.

Thank you, Top Hat Man, for reducing the earth’s supply of natural houndstooth with the making of your fantastic show of belief in the team. But no thank you, for standing between me and my sunset.

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Thank you, Spandex-Wearing Man, with your wig conspicuously on opposite sides than your shirt and socks, for doing your part. For showing your belief. For powering the team.

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(No thank you, sunglass-wearing-man in the background, for laughing at he who is committed to the program.)

Thank you, Cruella De Vil’s daughter, for stepping right out of 1986 to come believe in your team. In our team. In the nation’s team.

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Thank you, Awesomely Hip Baby, for stealing Saban’s hat to infuse it with some of your infant magic.

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Thank you, Grandma who put a little something extra over your work pants and under your hoodie, for reminding us of the power of the houndstooth miniskirt, regardless of its pairing.

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THANK YOU, Pom-Pom Girl, for giving Saban the pixie dust of ten Tinkerbells. No thank you, Pom-Pom Girl, for reminding me of my rather traumatic Junior High days.

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Thank you, Coordinated Couple, for bringing the Yin and Yang to Gameday.

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And thank you, Converse-Wearing-Santa, for asking Saban what he wanted for Christmas….

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Even if you didn’t deliver.

But it’s not your fault, it’s the other fan’s.

Next year, people. I expect you to trade in your dead things and doilies and put on the Spandex, Pom-Poms, and Fuzzy Hats.

THEN we can win a National Championship again.


To see my collection of Gameday Fashion posts, click here.

It’s Fashion, Y’all. Gameday Fashion.

I wasn’t going to post one this year.

I know, I know – it’s tradition.

But I live-tweeted it instead on a particularly fun gameday, and I thought that was good enough.

Apparently it was not.

I had people who missed it. Or wanted it all again. And some that even said “it’s all they wanted for Christmas.”

Weirdos.

I am not one to let people down, regardless of how bonkers their requests are, or how disappointed most fans may be that Alabama is “just” playing in the Sugar Bowl tonight.

(When I was a kid I pictured a gigantic bowl full of sugar with dozens of tiny football players running through it like maggots. Everyone else did too, right?)

At any rate, I present to you: The 2013 Collection of Gameday Sightings.

And those sightings were not limited to humans – even the Wall-Es in attendance got dressed up real nice.

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(Who brings their bulldozer tailgating with them?? The same people who name their kids Krimson Tyde, if I had to guess.)

But aside from heavy machinery outfitting, It doesn’t have to cost a fortune to be gameday-appropriate. Sometimes it might even cost suspiciously too little.

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Don’t expect those boots to make it in AND out of the stadium before unraveling.

But shoes were a big deal this year – after all, they can make or break the cohesion of your look.

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Shoes can also be useful in identifying your body if you get caught up in a stadium trample.

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Shoes can keep the flow of your outfit going from your hips to your toes,

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And shoes always set off the sexiness of your jeans.

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Oh. And did I mention how much Toms loves Alabama Football? Because they do.
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But remember – the walk to the stadium is long and tedious. Although team colors are important, comfort is much more so.

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But if you just can’t find that perfect pair of gameday shoes, you can always wear them on your chest.

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Legwear is also vital to consider on gameday.

Or rather, the lack of legwear.

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Because it’s Alabama, where pants are always optional.

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Even in boot + knee sock weather.

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But that’s okay. Because God approves of all forms of Alabama Fandom.

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And He doesn’t mind AT ALL when His favorite football team’s fans take his Holy Scriptures and turn them into cheers.

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(But perhaps this is why he gave Auburn all the sunsets and sunrises.)

But God isn’t the only notable Alabama fan.

On gameday, you can spot Johnny Depp and Zach Galifianakis,

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random dudes that find Flora-Bama wife-beaters to be perfect Alabama attire,

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And Vin Diesel. Wearing HexBug-sized Houndstooth.

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So clearly, like Stacy’s Mom we’ve got it going on.

Also, we have overalls and we know how to use them. We’ll do stripes.

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We can rock Houndstooth up one leg and down the other.

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We can even do random farm animals and make it look awesome.

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WE EVEN HAVE MONOGRAM KIOSKS ON OUR SIDE, PEOPLE.

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When monograms are for us, who can be against us?

Hurting our chances of winning, however, is the fact that we believe leggings can be pants.

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And that we assume chevron can be worn vertically. While straddling a chain fence.

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But our ability to successfully layer houndstooth and houndstooth TOTALLY makes up for that.

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And, just like at any social occasion, you run the risk of showing up dressed just like your best friend. Or twin sister. Whatever.IMG_3269

To mitigate that possibility, just show up to the game in your bathrobe.

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Or, if you prefer, in Mom Jeans or custom-shredded leggings.

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And if you want your Mom Jeans to be your own dirty little secret, there are festive solutions for that, too.

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But we must always remember.

ALWAYS REMEMBER, people.

LSU Fans are weirder than Alabama fans.

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Thank God for LSU.

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Alabama Fashion Report: 2012.

You might have noticed that Alabama has won a lot of football games over the past few years.

In fact, as of last Saturday night, they will, yet again, be in the National Championship.

From what I’ve heard, there are some people, somewhere out there (cue Fievel), that do not like this development.  Some people that grow tired of Alabama playing in this game, time after time (cue Cyndi).

And that’s okay.

As a football wife, I understand “tired.”

But I’m sure that those people are none of you.

So with that in mind, I am here, with the plethora of photos I took at Alabama Games this year, to help you prepare your wardrobe for January the seventh, on which date I am confident that you will be cheering for my husband’s* beloved team.

And you won’t be in bad company – many, many new fans have joined the Tide Ranks during this new era of winning.

Hello Kitty, for one, is now an Alabama fan.

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Also?  God.

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…Because it’s not at all presumptive, disturbing, and otherwise completely sacrilegious to screenprint a HOUNDSTOOTH CROSS.

Mickey and Minnie have come around to the ways of the Elephant,

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As well as Taiwanese Farmers that happen to reside in Alabama.

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So now that we’ve established the prevalence and therefore legitimacy of your newly appointed fandom, here are some options for you.

Accessories are the building blocks of your outfit.

So let’s start with a purse.  Houndstooth flowers are the perfect way to show your blooming team spirit.  For appropriate proportions, your flower should be approximately 78% of the size of your head.

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This should not be hard to measure, because it is a completely foregone assumption that you will have a hat.  A Houndstooth Hat.  A Bedazzled Houndstooth Hat.

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Your other option is a nice crochet, also available in – you guessed it, houndstooth.

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And of course your children will need proper BBTTH’s**.

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Boots are expected.

You can go with the 2012 Standard Issue Sorority Girl Boot,

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But the Standard Issue changes quite frequently, and as such will only last you for one season.

(For example, note the 2010 Standard Issue Sorority Girl Boot.)

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So instead, I recommend that you choose something more classic.  More timeless.  More loyal to your team.

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If you don’t wear boots, the consequences are grave.

You will be tied down, blindfolded, gagged, and involuntarily issued a real Alabama Tattoo.

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So we’ve got your accessories covered.  Let’s move onto pants.

Which, as opposed to your accessories, are completely optional.

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But if you do choose to wear pants, definitely go with something printed or embroidered.

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And never forget: the more rotating team symbols you can get embroidered onto your butt, the more expensive it looks.

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When it comes to shirts and dresses, you should always strive to match your friends.

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Because there’s nothing that shows team solidarity than grown women in identical clothing.

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It’s guaranteed to make the players play better.

Really.

Let’s move on to prints.

Houndstooth, of course, is the standard print.

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But your loyalty can’t be really proven unless you pair your Houndstooth with Houndstooth.

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If you want to be different, try Chevron (the New Houndstooth),

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Othello,

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Bucket,

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Or Spandex.  Because when worn tight enough, it’s absolutely a print.

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No outfit is complete without the proper vehicle.

One hot item is a motorized, custom-painted Alabama Tricycle.  Best when paired with a Crimson Roll-Hawk atop your head.

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If you don’t have enough room in your fancy Alabama car for your friends, you can always add on.

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And of course you can’t go wrong with classics,

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Slightly newer classics,

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classic wannabes,

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or motorized football helmets.

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Clown Cars, when painted well, will also compliment your outfit nicely.

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If you have a pet, you will need to be prepared to increase your accessories budget.

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As well as your tattoo budget.

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But if all of your wardrobe intentions fail, then by all means just show up in your Snuggie and you’ll be fine.

 

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* My husband is not Nick Saban.  Nor is he AJ McCarron or Mal Moore or Bear Bryant.  But those facts do not get in the way of his passionate ownership of his team.

** Bows Bigger Than Their Heads.